Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - Jerry's Painting - full transcript

Good morning, Ben.

- Oh. Sorry.
- Sorry.

- Did I scare you?
- No.

I just wanted to remind you

of the art show
that's happening tonight

at the Community Center.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

- Great. Great.
- Yeah.

Well, that sounds cool.

That sounds like something
that'll be a big success,

you know?



I mean, like everything
that you, uh--that you put

your--your--your paws on--
your fingers.

Leslie Knope!
Ben Wyatt.

Ben, great news--

do you remember
the woman I told you about

from the County Commissioner's
office?

- Um, vaguely.
- Sure you do-- Cindy Miller.

Anyway, she's agreed to go out
on a date with you.

Oh, you asked her out
for me?

And you're gonna love her.

She is interesting, smart,
and beautiful, inside and out.

Inner beauty
is very important.

And outer beauty is also
very important.

I thought you had a rule



about inter-government
relationships.

Oh, don't worry.

Her department is
completely separate from ours.

This isn't anything like your
affair with Tom Haverford.

- We weren't--you--you--
- I'm sorry.

- Who are you calling?
- Cindy Miller.

Cindy Miller!
Chris Traeger.

Guess who is standing
in this room

- with me right now.
- Oh, um...

Ben Wyatt.
Ben, say hello.

Uh, hi, Cindy.
Sorry.

Hi.
No apology necessary.

It's just Chris being Chris.

How are you doing?

Ooh, sparks are flying!

I may have to call
the fire department.

That's a government joke.

I love setting people up.

Here's my secret--

I determine
someone's best qualities,

and then I find someone else
with compatible qualities.

And I bring them together.

Ugh. God, this sucks.

Oh. Why don't you just go
home for the rest of the day?

I can't go home, 'cause I
have this art-show opening

at the Community Center.

And I can't stay here
because I see Ben.

And I can't date Ben because
of Chris' stupid rules.

- I feel so...
- Powerless.

Yeah.
I'm like that lightbulb--

weak, flickering,
barely giving off any light,

unable to make out
with the lightbulb

I want to make out with.

You know what might
make you feel better?

- A hug?
- Paxil.

Do you want me to get you
a prescription?

Ugh.

Hey, Tom,
uh, question for you--

do you know anyone who's
looking for a roommate?

- How hot?
- I--what?

How hot is the woman that's
looking for a place to stay?

- No, it's me. I'm looking.
- Oh, come on, that's not fair.

You shouldn't have led me
to believe

- it was a beautiful woman.
- I didn't.

I've been staying

at the Pawnee Supersuites
Motel for seven months.

It's a charming little inn

with wonderfully random
wake-up calls,

delightfully unstable
temperatures,

and, as of yesterday,
bedbugs.

"Four stars!" Says nobody.

I wish I could help you out,
Benihana, but I can't.

I have a one-bedroom.

I can't have a dude
sleeping on my couch

- if and when I bring home a lady.
- Mm.

I have a ritual,
and it starts on the couch.

- Ecch.
- We sit down.

- Okay. Yep.
- Clap my hands.

- Lights dim.
- I understand.

- Boyz II Men...
- Please stop.

- Fades in.
- Nope. Nope.

You don't need to explain
the ritual-- I'm good.

Oh, you know who might
be able to help

a homeless dude,
such as yourself?

This is awesomely perfect.

Burly just moved in
with his rich girlfriend,

and we need help
with the rent.

We have
a couple house rules, though.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

You can't use
the front door.

You have to climb in
through the back window.

No personal
phone conversations.

If you ever speak to me
in Spanish,

please use the formal usted.

And no electricity
after 6:00 P.M.

She's joking.

Okay.

You can use as much
free electricity as you want.

- It's free.
- Couple more rules--

if you ever watch
a sad movie,

you have to wear mascara

so we can see whether or not
you've been crying.

There's no noise allowed
on mondays

and no TV after breakfast.

She is lying again.

She is--
'cause it's hard to tell.

No. We leave the tv on
all day long

so burglars think that
we're home when we're not,

which is my idea
that I'm trying to patent.

So you want to move in
tonight?

Yeah. Sure.
That'd be great.

- You want my gum?
- Mm-hmm.

Ugh. Ron, can you make
the opening remarks?

I-I just--
I'm not in the mood.

Neither am I, ever.

What's wrong with you?
You live for this kind of stuff.

I don't have it in me
right now.

Ron, please, do it for me.

Make the speech.
Ron. Please. Please.

- Give the speech, Ron.
- No.

- Yes. Please. Ron.
- No.

Please.
Please give the speech.

- Please give the speech.
- No, I won't.

- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes...
- No way.

- Please. Please. Please...
- No.

- Yes. Yes. Yes.
- All right! Damn it, woman.

Okay, everyone, shut up!

And look at me!

Welcome
to Visions of Nature.

This room
has several paintings in it.

Some are big.
Some are small.

People did them,
and they are here now.

I believe
that after this is over,

they'll be hung
in government buildings.

Why the government is involved
in an art show is beyond me.

I also think it's pointless

for a human
to paint scenes of nature

when they could just go
outside and stand in it.

Anyway, please do not
misinterpret the fact

that I am talking right now
as genuine interest in art

and attempt to discuss it
with me further.

End of speech.

And this is the TV room.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Could you throw that
in the trash can?

I was just here, like, three
weeks ago for your wedding.

What happened?

I don't know.
Burly moved out.

He was the one
that did all the cleaning

and throwing away and stuff.

Wait, he moved out,
like, a week ago.

You guys made this mess
in a week?

Well, I always think
April's gonna clean up.

- And I never clean up.
- It's cute, right?

- No.
- Yes, it is.

Are you guys frying marbles?

We were checking to see
if the fire alarm worked.

It doesn't.

The biggest challenge
to picking

the perfect roommate

is finding someone
who's willing to pay

more than their share of rent
without knowing it.

I think
we found that in Ben.

You forgot to paint
a painting, son.

So for my painting,

I chose one of my
very favorite Greek myths--

the centaur goddess Dyaphena
slaying a great stag.

- It's, uh, stunning.
- It's breathtaking, Jerry.

- Yeah. Really is.
- Wow. Thanks, guys.

Hey, Leslie, you should
really come over here and look

at Jerry's painting.

Oh.
Oh, my God.

That's me.
Is that me?

What?
No.

Oh, jeez, it does look
like you.

You're just realizing
that now?

That's what you see
when you close your eyes

at night, Jerry-- topless
Leslie glued to a horse.

Okay, Leslie,
I am just so, so sorry.

Dyaphena--
she is this powerful goddess.

And I've been thinking a lot
about powerful women.

And subconsciously,
I painted you.

I'm sorry.
I'm gonna take it right down.

No. Leave it up.

I love it.

I don't know
how to explain it.

Every time I look at it,
I just think to myself,

"what can't
that centaur woman do?"

Besides ride an escalator
and drive a car.

Art can be so magnificent.

Oh, my God.
The baby is Tom.

What?

This is easily
my favorite painting ever.

What the hell, Jerry?
Look at my potbelly.

I look like a pregnant baby!
And why am I so scared?

All right, we got to take
this down now.

Isn't going anywhere, Tom.
No, this painting

it's staying right here.

Hello, fellow lover
of the arts.

Welcome to the painting.

What--is that you?

- Looks hot.
- Thank you.

This guy's in it too.
He's the little fat baby.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

What's going on over here?

Baby rolls?

Oh. We've been trying to grt
that light fixed for months.

- Thank you.
- Thank her.

Good morning, Tom.

She marched into my office
this morning

and told me she wouldn't leave
until I got this done.

Hmm. Well, I'm glad
someone's feeling good.

They're gonna hang that
painting in a public building

where anybody can see it.

In one brushstroke,
Jerry has killed

the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me
years to cultivate

and replaced it with a fat,
brown, baby vibe,

which is not as cool
of a vibe.

Hey, Aphrodite,
Chris needs you in his office.

Hmm.

When you're done with the
light, fix the printer.

I don't know
how to fix printers.

Learn it.

- Leslie, should I go too?
- This isn't about you, Jerry.

It's my painting.

Why am I upset?

Uh, let's start
with government-funded

animal porn.

Oh, I'm not sure
that's fair.

I want it destroyed,
and I want a statement

from this office apologizing
for an obscene depiction

of bestiality.

Be--bestiality?

It is a picture
of a centaur--

a beautiful half person,
half horse.

And how did it get
like that?

Who had sex with what
and gave birth to which?

Miss Langman, we hear
you, we understand you,

and we are going to do
whatever we can

to come to a solution.

Destroy it.

Destroy it?
I mean, is she serious?

Do you find this
personally offensive?

Not personally, no.

No, personally, I enjoy
a good artistic depiction

of the human form.

I've dabbled
in nude sculpture.

I've posed nude.

In college, I was in a nude
production of Cats.

Mm.

But I am not
in the nude now, am I?

Because we're
in a government building.

And that would be
inappropriate,

which is what I think
Marcia is saying.

So take care
of the situation.

That painting
is not gonna be destroyed.

Every great work of art
contains a message.

And the message of this
painting is, "get out of my way

unless you want an arrow
in your ass, Marcia."

Morning, roomie.
How'd you sleep?

Well, there were no bedbugs.
Also no bed.

I'm gonna go buy a bed.

- Fork.
- I'm sorry...

Are you eating turkey chili
off of a frisbee?

It's pretty cute, right?

No. Do you know
what "cute" means?

What have you got against
turkey chili for breakfast?

What have you guys got
against washing dishes?

We don't have
any dishes, okay?

Burly took them all
when he left.

Now I bet you feel
like a jerk.

Oh, God. Okay, I might need
to not stay here anymore.

No. Sorry, dude.

We already spent your money
on a new Xbox 360

and more frisbees
to eat off of.

- You got to stay.
- Oh, God.

Okay. All right.
Here's the deal--

We're gonna clean
this place up, okay?

And then I'm going to teach
you how to be adults.

Cool.
We'll get to be adults.

Gee, golly, thanks, mister.

Fork.

Hello, I'm Perd Hapley

and welcome to
Ya' heard? With Perd.

Today's show begins now.

Is this art,
or is it pornography?

Here to answer this question

is Parks and Recreation
deputy director Leslie Knope.

Perd, it is a beautiful work
of art.

Governments should not be
in the business of censorship,

especially when a painting
is as awesome as this one.

But this
is where the controversy

of this story
gets even more controversial.

You are the subject
of this painting--

half woman, half horse,

with what some would say
are human breasts.

I am not the subject.

The subject is strong and
empowered women everywhere.

But it--it does look
a little bit like me.

Leslie, for our viewers
at home who might not know,

are centaurs real?

- No.
- You absolutely sure?

Okay. So you always
separate your lights

from your darks.

That's racist.

And then you get
your laundry d--

Where's your
laundry detergent?

Right. Here we are.

Okay.
This is, uh, bubble bath.

You guys--you wash your
clothes in bubble bath?

Eh, bubble bath,
clothes soap, same thing.

No, it's not.

Well, they both
make bubbles, so...

It was never our intention
to offend anyone.

I guess some people object
to powerful depictions

- of awesome ladies.
- Okay.

Also joining us today
is a different person,

pornographic film actress
Brandi Maxxxx.

Pleasure to be here.

Brandi, you've starred
in over 200 adult films,

some which are very good.

When'd you get
in the business?

- Last year.
- Fantastic.

Now, this painting right
here-- art or pornography?

Perd, I think this whole
debate is ridiculous.

What Leslie and I do
is obviously art.

Oh, hang on.

Um, there's a big difference
between an oil painting

of a Greek myth
and a pornographic movie.

It's okay, Leslie.
I got this one.

What?

What Leslie and I
want people to know

is you should be able
to have sex anywhere you want

and show it
anywhere you want,

whether
it's girl-on-girl action,

bondage, or what have you.

Okay. Hang on.

Pornography is very difficult
to define.

Um, in fact,
it was justice Stewart

who once said,
"I can't define pornography,

but I know it
when I see it."

Brandi, how would you define
pornography?

For me, it's when the penis
goes in.

All right, we need to do
some basic organization.

Where do you put your bills
when they come?

I read the magazines
and give the rest to Andy.

Which I organize
into a pile or stack

that I put into the freezer.

- Why?
- So they won't get lost.

Bingo.

Okay, you have to pay these.

Good thing
I didn't lose them.

Okay, new lesson--
basic finance.

I'm gonna teach you
how to balance a checkbook.

Okay, I am going to teach you
how to open a bank account.

Bank account. Good.

Brandi,
I'm Thomas Haverford.

I just wanted to say
I thought you made

some excellent points
up there.

I totally agree with you
that people should be allowed

to have sex
in public places.

You look familiar to me.

Hmm, maybe you've seen me
down at the Snakehole Lounge.

I'm a part-owner there.

That's you in the painting.

You're the fat baby!

Aww... that's so cute.

- Oh, you're into that?
- No.

Damn it, Jerry.

Imagine my horror.

I'm hanging upside-down
with my gravity boots

watching Perd.

I see you with your painting.

And I am startled
and disappointed.

Well, I did not know
that Brandi was gonna offer me

a role in her next film.

I urge you not to take
that role.

I'm not going
to take the role.

That's good to hear,
because, recently,

you've been
a little unpredictable.

I'm sorry that I'm trying
to defend

a beautiful work of art.

- Thank you, Leslie.
- Stand down, Jerry.

- This isn't your fight.
- You've left me no choice.

I've convened a meeting
of the public arts commission,

and we will abide
by their decision.

Fine with me.

Public art commission,
filled with hippies

who love public art
and sometimes weed.

Jackpot.

I would just like
to introduce myself.

My name is Chris Traeger,

and I am a big fan of art.

Council, I
am not opposed to pornography.

In fact, you could say
I'm definitely for it.

If I had my laptop with me
right now,

I would show you
a well-hidden folder

with gigabytes of proof.

However, this... thing...
is... disgusting...

And wrong.

Please let the record
reflect that the fat baby

is referring to the painting.

Hey! I am not a fat baby.
I'm a small, slender man--

similar to actor Taye Diggs.

So let the record
reflect that--

that I look like Taye Diggs.

Members
of the Public Art Commission,

good afternoon,
and good art.

Every great society
has always supported

artistic expression.

- The Romans...
- Perverts.

- The Greeks...
- Gay perverts.

To great societies
in Europe.

Europeans.

There are some members
of this Community

that would like to demonize
this painting.

And when they do,

they in fact demonize
art itself.

What is or isn't art is up to
every free-thinking American

to decide on their own.

Uh, yeah, it's in the bag.

We've decided
that the painting

should be destroyed.

- Yeah! Burn it!
- Whoo!

What?
Are you serious?

You're supposed to be in favor
of public art.

Yeah, well,
there are nipples in it,

so it just seems like we ought
to be safe and destroy it.

Okay. Here is a list
of errands

and things
that human adults need.

Also, I'm giving you
an advance

on next month's rent.

And I want you guys
to go to Bed Bath & Beyond

and buy everything
on that list.

Or we could buy a Wii.

You can handle this.

I don't know, man.

Why don't you just do it?

No, I can't.
I--I...Have a date.

Ooh, what's his name?

It's actually not--

uh, Chris set it up.
Never mind.

The point is, stick to the
list, and you'll do great.

I have total faith in you.

There's, like, a 30% chance
they'll both die.

So how do you want
to do this?

Burn it publicly
or burn it privately,

and I put the footage
on my blog or...?

You've made
your point, okay?

Look, this painting
is very important to me.

It doesn't need to hang
in a government building.

Just let me take it home,
and I'll keep it there.

What do you say?

I say this painting
is going to burn--

first here, then in hell.

Do I need
to get this validated?

- I don't--I don't know.
- No?

Okay, then, great.

I'm just gonna
pull my car around,

and you can load it
in the back.

No.

- Hey! Come back here!
- Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

This place is amazing.

Oh, my God, they have a
thing that makes sherbet.

We need five of those!

No, we need to stick
with what's on the list.

First things first,
oven mitts.

Where are the oven mitts?

Oh, my God. They have
all the As-Seen-On-TV stuff!

- Nuh-uh.
- Shake weight, Iron Gym...

Miracle Hand Repair,
Big Top cookie,

- Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.
- Honey.

- Oh, my God.
- Honey, honey, listen to me.

Get it all.

Grab everything
that we've seen it on TV

and put it in this cart
right now.

Iron gym--
I am gonna get so buff.

Oh, my God.
Marshmallow shooter.

Marshmallow shooter!
Get two.

Wait, what
about the Magic Bullet?

Yeah. I've seen that.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I was at a meeting
around the corner,

and some people wanted
to destroy this painting,

so I brought it here.

Where's Andy and April?

They're out shopping.

- What are you doing here?
- I moved into the spare room.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Huh.

Can I come in?
Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Of course.

Why do they want
to destroy it?

Well, it's a painting of me
as a centaur.

- Okay.
- And it's a nude.

Oh.

Just basically, like,
the "chestal" region.

- Uh-huh.
- Mostly.

You don't have to look at it
if you don't want to.

- No, no, no.
- It's very classy.

Yeah, no, I'm sure it is.

Oh, man. It's Chris.
Got to take this.

- Okay.
- Hi, Chris.

Leslie Knope, you need
to bring that painting back.

What painting?

Leslie,
you have the painting,

and you need to bring it
back in.

I think I've been
pretty fair with you.

And I'm starting
to feel angry.

And I don't like
feeling angry.

My heart is racing.

It's going
literally 45 beats a minute.

I'm sorry.

If I could just explain
to you my point of view--

You will bring that painting
in tomorrow morning

and surrender it
to Marcia Langman.

And that's that.
Do you understand me, madam?

Yes.

- Hehe
- Manipedi--

What are we doing?

We didn't get a single thing
that Ben told us to.

Sure we did.
We got the Marshmallow shooter.

That's-- I don't think
that's on the list.

- But I want it.
- I want it too.

But I also kind of want
my own fork...

Just 'cause you eat
really slow,

which is cute,
but also super annoying.

- Fine.
- What? What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just adults
are boring, and I hate them.

And I don't want to buy
all this stupid, boring,

adult stuff
and become boring adults.

Hey, listen to me.

Yes, we're gonna get
a dish rack,

and shower curtains,
and a cutting board.

But if you think
for one second

I'm not also gonna get
that marshmallow shooter

so that I can shoot you
in the face with marshmallows

when you're asleep,

then you're
the dumbest woman I know.

You're gonna make me cry.

You're a levelheaded person.
What do I do here?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it is one of the
basic rules of government

that you shouldn't offend
people.

Yeah.
I guess you're right.

I just-- I'm so annoyed
by all these rules lately.

- Me too.
- Ha ha.

Hey, Leslie.
What are you doing here?

Hey. Um, well,
I, um, I stole a painting.

And, um, I was hoping you guys
would help me hide it.

I like it.
It's very simple.

No, it's on the other side.

Oh, my God.
Is that you as a naked horse?

Does it look like me?
I don't even--

Leslie, I mean, not to be
inappropriate or anything,

'cause you're my boss
and my friend,

but I would totally hit that.

- So would I.
- You guys are sweet.

Okay. I should go
and hit the road with this.

And, um...
Okay.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Bye, Leslie.

So how'd we do?

I don't know.
Does this answer your question?

No.
Did you buy plates?

Oh, plates.

Leslie, what are you doing?

Say good-bye to Dyaphena.

I have to turn her over
to stupid Marcia Langman.

- Really? Oh.
- What?

I mean, to be honest,

that seems like the kind
of thing I would do.

And I didn't think
you would give in.

Come with me.

- Hey, man.
- Roomie!

Dude, it's super fun
to eat cereal

from a bowl with a spoon.

- Thank you for that.
- No problem.

Though, you know,
you're not supposed to

bring your dishes
into work, right?

Ha ha.
Good one.

I'm serious.

What's going on
between you and Leslie?

I noticed a weird vibe
when we came in the room.

Nothing.
I mean, we're friends--

just regular friendship...
develop-- development.

Come on, roomie,
you can tell me.

I know there's something.

I bet you I can guess
what it is.

She stole money from you.

What?
No, no, Andy,

she did not.

I think we like each other.

But Chris has
this very strict rule--

co-workers can't date.

So, you know,
it's not even an option.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, first of all, Leslie--
she's, like, the coolest ever.

You've chosen well.

And secondly, hey, man,
if it's gonna happen...

It's gonna happen.

Look at me and April.

If you're anything like us,

three weeks from now,
you'll be married, my friend.

I'm glad you finally came
to your senses.

I know that's not an easy
journey for you to make.

Let's take a look at
it first, shall we?

Whoa! It looks amazing!

I had the artist paint
over the Original.

- Feel free to destroy it.
- No!

But I think you'll find

no one could possibly
be offended,

unless, of course,
they have a problem

with centaurs having
modern haircuts.

There were many kinds
of Greek goddesses.

Some were lovers.
Some were warriors.

And some were tricksters.

I am so glad
that this got resolved,

because I hate being angry.

- Hmm.
- Ben!

- Come in here.
- Okay.

How did your date
with Cindy go?

Uh, you know,
she wasn't really my type.

She's a tall brunette.
You always like tall brunettes.

Well, not exclusively.

Historically, yes,
exclusively.

He said he didn't like her,
so it's over.

Okay, well,
I'm gonna keep trying,

- because you are incredible.
- Thank you.

And you deserve
someone amazing

and smart and beautiful.

- Thank you.
- A real goddess.

- Exactly.
- Mm.

Hey! ...what about Shelly,
from the health-food store?

I don't know who that is.

Her brother died
climbing Everest?

Great.

- Interesting, right?
- No.

Nice job, Jerry.

You look
like Enrique Iglesias.

- Just wish I had more time.
- Why?

This is amazing.

It looks like me,
and I look awesome.

Is your penis
between the front arms

or the back legs?

- Yeah, where's your penis?
- Damn it, Jerry!

Gail... I know Jerry
is your husband.

Look, I can promise you
there's absolutely nothing

going on between us.

No, no, I did not pose
for that painting.

But thank you
for thinking I did.

Okay, well... sure.
Hold on.

Gail, sweetheart, you have
nothing to worry about.

Okay?

I'm not gay,
neither is Jerry,

and I didn't pose for him.

I promise you, hon,
Jerry only has eyes for you.