Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - Eagleton - full transcript

- Good morning, Ron. - Morning.
I know how much you enjoy paperwork, but don't hover.
Nice bench. Is that new?
No, that's been there since the '90s.
What are you doing for your birthday on Friday?
Nothing. I never...
Aha!
Oh, God.
Birthday, birthday, birthday
It's your birthday
It's your birthday, and I know when it is
Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is.
He's even had it redacted on all government documents.
Three years of investigations, phone calls,
Freedom of Information Act requests, and still, I had nothing,
until a well-placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin-Robbins revealed
Ron's birthday is on Friday.
Damn it. I was so careful.
Well, you blew it.
All for a free scoop of Rum Raisin.
Was it worth it, Ron? Was it?
I command you to do nothing.
I'm not gonna do nothing. I'm gonna do something.
And it's gonna be really big.
I have a lot of years to make up for.
I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss,
and I especially don't like people celebrating
because they know a piece of private information about me.
Plus, the whole thing is a scam.
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
They put up a fence.
Who?
- No! - What's that?
There's a small park on the line between Pawnee and Eagleton, and...
Last night Eagleton put up a fence around their side
to keep us disgusting Pawnee hobos off their precious land.
There's even a security guard. You got to show Eagleton I.D. to get in.
Eagleton is a bunch of rich snobs.
And that's coming from someone who has a Mercedes.
With a Harman Kardon Logic 7 surround-sound system.
Who builds a fence to keep kids out of a playground?
Three words... Lindsay Carlisle Shay.
Who?
Lindsay Carlisle Shay and I used to be best friends.
We worked together at the Pawnee Parks Department.
Then she went to work in Eagleton
and "fixed her deviated septum" and lost 35 pounds and lost something else.
What was it again?
Oh, yeah. Her soul.
Is the Eagleton side really that much better than the Pawnee side?
To be fair, yeah.
Our side is this scrappy piece of land
where kids go to smash fluorescent light tubes.
But it has a lot of heart.
That's what people always say when something sucks.
We should stand up for our town, okay?
Pawneeans are just as good as Eagletonians,
although on average, we are several inches shorter
and 80 pounds heavier.
People in Eagleton are straight up mean to us.
I would never set foot over there.
But it's the only place that I can get my Bumble and Bumble hair care products,
so I'm there every eight days.
Okay, well, I am on "Operation No More Fence,"
so I'm putting you in charge of "Operation Ron's Party, colon, Shock And Awe."
I am all over it.
I just need you to do what's on that list.
Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying.
But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.
It's the only park in our neighborhood.
I mean, where are my kids supposed to play, the rock quarry?
There's rocks in there.
Why don't we just set fire to the fence? You know, set it ablaze.
That's arson.
Well, let's leave that up to the lawyers. The point is, it would work.
Why don't we build a fence around their fence?
- Why? - It would give us two fences,
so if they needed to get to their fence for maintenance and whatnot,
their pants might get caught.
My son Joey tried to scale that fence to play on the Eagleton side,
and he fell and hurt his arm.
You need to get those people to tear that fence down.
This woman's right.
I promise you, citizens of Pawnee,
and sweet, brave Joey,
I will tear down that fence.
Okay, I'm just gonna suggest one more time that we burn it down.
But whatever you guys think.
Yeah. Great.
Yes, hi.
I have a question about your inflatable saxophones.
Do those come in different sizes?
I'm gonna need about 40 dozen of those.
Also, what about your neon gangster fedora hats?
That was rude.
Whatever's going on here, stop it immediately.
I was just talking on the phone.
- To whom? - It was personal.
I would never make a work-related call. You know that.
- Lindsay! - Leslie Knope.
- Hi. - Hi.
Has it really been five years?
It has. You look amazing.
Thank you. This place hasn't changed a bit. Still loveable, but grimy.
Hello, there. I'm Ben Wyatt. I'm assistant city manager...
Hi, Dan.
- Ben. - It's not important.
It won't come up again.
This is Ann. She is my best friend.
Hi. Now.
And she's a nurse, and she works at a hospital.
Oh.
- Nice to meet you. - I'm sorry. It's just, nursing...
You must be so tired and sad.
It's really nice outside. Shall we speak in my courtyard?
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for stopping by.
I was passing through Pawnee anyway.
I do a lot of charity work here.
There's only so much you can do.
You know, I found a picture of you from back in the day.
Oh.
Look at that.
Let me get a closer look.
So let's talk about Lafayette Park.
Oh, yes. The fence.
I'm only trying to protect our children.
Come on, Lindsay, this isn't you.
When we used to work here together,
we loved the fact that parks were for everyone.
That's what makes them so great.
You know what's really great?
A private park that's not for everyone.
- Wowsers. - What do you care?
It's just a crappy little park.
Well, someone once told me
that there's no such thing as small parks,
just small ideas.
Hmm.
And that someone
was this woman.
You can take it if you want. I have many copies and the negatives.
And I have a JPEG.
The fence stays up.
- Lindsay, if we... - Sweetie,
and I mean this in the nicest possible way,
Pawnee is and always will be a dirty, little nightmare
from which you will never wake up.
But it was good seeing you.
What? I'm not asleep. I'm awake.
I'm wide awake, and I got my eyes on you.
That's what I would've said if I had thought of it in the moment.
What did I say instead?
Wow! This is where they have their public forums?
Yeah, it's not that great.
They had a valet.
Yes, Eagleton is nicer than Pawnee.
And, yes, because of their cupcake factory, the air always smells like vanilla.
Oh, yeah. Wow.
But their people are not inherently better than our people.
The only thing they beat us in is life expectancy, beauty pageants,
and average income. Who cares?
Factoid alert.
Eagleton was founded by former Pawneeans.
Pawnee was established in May of 1817.
And by July,
finding the smell unpleasant and the soil untenable,
all the wealthy people evacuated to Eagleton.
Hello, Pawnee.
Welcome to our public forum.
Hi, I'm Thomas Montgomery Haverford.
- Okay. - Well, nice outfit.
What, did you just come from the stables?
Yes. I was just at the stables.
You look like you've been working hard.
You have a million fly-aways right now.
Would you like to borrow a mirror or a self-help book?
I would not.
I would like you to get off your high horse, Lindsay.
Pun intended.
You know if I had your job, there would be no fence there.
Well, you don't have my job because you knew you couldn't handle it.
The forum is beginning.
We've got a little bit of Eagleton business,
and then I'll introduce you. - Great.
Look how pretty the people are.
Hey, Ron.
How's the street parking at your house?
What?
Can you handle, like, 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
There is no street parking at my house.
My house is not even on a street.
Do you have space for, like, a huge circus tent?
Hey, Ron. Have you seen... What the hell?
No!
Oh!
Well, looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
These were for a sick child at the hospital.
My office, now.
- I don't work for you. - Don't care.
Decisions, decisions.
I think I'm gonna go with the porcini mushrooms and boursin, s'il vous plaît.
...that the Eagleton-Pawnee fence does a lot more harm than it does good.
Hello. I'm Bertram Rolands, a citizen of Eagleton.
With all due respect, Ms. Knope,
can't you just clean up your side of the park,
put some new equipment there?
Well, we would love to do that,
but, unfortunately, money is tight right now.
Hello. I'm Christine Porter.
I want to respectfully say that I'm in favor of the fence.
I see it as a kind of punishment for Pawnee
that might inspire your town to clean up its act.
Well, I would like to respectfully say
that any child should be able to play in any park,
regardless of wealth or status.
Anyway, this is Joey Plunkett.
Joey, wave to the audience.
Oh, you can't, because you broke your arm
climbing that fence.
- I can wave with this arm. - No, you can't.
Both your arms are broken.
All due respect, I recognize that boy.
He was caught selling fireworks to Eagleton kids.
Well, with more due respect,
a lot of boys do that in our town. You cannot be sure that he is the one.
This is a perfect example of how we're going to help you.
Here's to you, Joey, and your mother
and to every Pawnee citizen who might have a bright future
if they fundamentally change everything about themselves.
- Thanks to Leslie Knope. - I'm not done.
Isn't she trying her hardest?
So cute and so good.
I'm only gonna ask you this once.
What is going on with my birthday?
Oh, my God. Ron, it's your birthday.
- Happy Birthday. - Shut your damn mouth.
This is a fun conversation.
Just tell me what Leslie is planning.
Honestly, I don't know. I haven't heard anything.
Why don't you tell me what she did for your last birthday?
Oh, well, that was intense.
She totally surprised me.
She kidnapped me from work,
and then she took me to that place, Señor Vega's,
you know, where the mariachi band comes out.
They put a big sombrero on you, and then everybody sings "Happy Birthday"?
Damn it.
And then we went back to my house,
and she invited basically everyone I knew,
and she had this great guy doing face painting,
and I had my face painted like a fairy tiger.
Ugh.
Also, she did it, like, a week before my birthday,
which is genius, 'cause I had no idea it was coming.
And then there was a bouncy castle.
Did you know they made those for adults?
Mmm-hmm.
Maybe I'll change it up this time. Can I try the andouille sausage?
- Tom, let's go. - What? No.
Hey, not you too.
It's gross. I don't like it. It's disgusting.
Did you guys get your public forum gift bag?
There's an iPod touch in here.
Man, she used to not be like this. Eagleton really changed her.
Yeah, what exactly happened between the two of you, anyway?
Five years ago, Eagleton offered me that job.
And you said no? Are you insane?
I talked it over with Lindsay, and we made a pact
that we would stay in Pawnee together
and work hard and fight to make Pawnee a better place to live.
And then they offered her the job, and she took it and disappeared.
Wow.
Verbena-scented soy candles!
You want me to do what, now?
Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something,
and make her take April and freeze their bank accounts.
I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
No, it has nothing to do with her work.
I don't want to get into it.
Ron, look, this is me, okay?
You know you can talk to me about anything.
Well, it's my birthday on Friday.
Hey! Happy Birthday.
I'm ending this right now. I'm just gonna leave early and go home.
Unless...
That's exactly what she wants me to do.
All right, everybody just grab a bag and open it up
and then try to find some dirty stuff in there.
What are you doing?
Eagleton treats us like garbage. We're gonna treat them like garbage.
We're gonna take these bags of trash,
and we're gonna throw it over to their side of the park.
And then we're just gonna let the stink and the raccoons run wild.
Well, isn't that just playing right into what they think of you?
Oh, my God. What am I thinking? Let's just stop this.
Put everything back in the truck.
- Let's back it up. - No, no, no, no.
Leslie, you promised we could throw garbage everywhere.
Wow.
I didn't expect to see the whole Parks Department here,
although it is, sadly, one of the nicest spots in town.
I am so sick of this, Lindsay.
Wait, Leslie. I've got this.
You listen to me, Lindsay Carlisle Shay.
Why don't you take your fancy dog,
get in your Escalade,
and if you have any job openings,
maybe you should let me know about 'em.
- Come on, man. - No!
I'm sick of being treated
like I'm not willing to relocate to Eagleton, because I am!
So here's what you could do, lady.
Take this resume
and shove it into your human resources slot.
Oh, yeah! Shove it there!
No.
You might have a fancy car and a mahogany purse,
or whatever rich people have,
but I remember something that you're trying to forget.
You're a Pawnee girl.
No, Leslie, I'm not.
Well, then why do you come here at dinnertime
and get takeout from the legendary J.J.'s Diner?
It's not for me.
These waffles make great dog laxatives.
Don't you dare
feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
Sambuca need to make?
There you go.
- Leslie. - How dare you?
- No! - Get her, Leslie!
No!
Garbage fight!
Ugh!
I want her arrested for attempted murder.
For God's sake, Knope. Get a grip.
Thank God you're here!
I want her arrested!
She attacked me,
and then she hurled my Kate Spade headband somewhere.
I think my Eagleton colleagues would agree
that we don't want to make a federal case out of this,
so I suggest you both apologize to each other,
and we pretend this never happened.
I will never apologize to her.
- Nor I her. - "Nor I her."
I doth proclaim to be a stupid fartface.
Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fartface?
Ladies, if you don't apologize,
we're gonna have to toss the both of you in jail.
So just swallow your pride...
Say you're sorry.
We hope you enjoy your evening here
at the Eagleton holding cell.
Can I offer you anything... herbal tea, Greek yogurt?
No.
Morning, Ron.
Ooh, dude, you forgot to put a shirt on.
I do it all the time. It's fine.
- I slept here. - Sweet.
So a little birdie told me it's your birthday coming up.
How about a free birthday shoe shine?
What did this little birdie tell you
is going to happen for my birthday?
Oh, nice try, Ron. You're not getting anything out of me.
Andrew, please.
Ron, look, I love you like a father
who's not that much older than me...
like a young Uncle...
or like, uh, you were my camp counselor,
but we're adults, so we hang out,
and it's not weird, you know.
Or, actually, here's what it is.
- You're my Lacrosse coach. - I get it. I get it.
What's the point?
Well, coach,
Leslie swore me to secrecy, so I can't say anything.
I owe her so much. I can't ruin it for her.
- Well, I respect that. - Mm-hmm.
- See you later. - Okay...
Not if I see you first, Uncle Ron.
And I probably will,
'cause Leslie assigned me to the kidnap squad.
Hey, jailbird.
Beautiful Ann, thank you for coming to get me.
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
Are you okay?
It was a rough night, but I survived.
Scone?
- They only have maple walnut. - Yeah. Thank you.
Why did you get arrested? What did you do?
The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee...
And punching Lindsay in the face
and shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
But in my defense, I believe that assault should be legal
if a person is a jerk.
Why are you letting her get to you like this?
Because she's a stupid jerk...
Because we were best friends
and then she sold out everything that we believed in.
And the worst part?
To her, our friendship...
it's like it never happened.
Well, first of all, this color looks amazing on you.
Thank you.
Second of all, the whole fence thing...
she's obviously trying to get a rise out of you.
Third of all, she knows she only got the job
because you turned it down, which must drive her nuts.
But most importantly, you say the word,
and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God. Okay, we have a lot of work to do.
Ann, put these scones in your bra.
- Let's go. - Okay.
Can we just stop off at the, um, lobby?
'Cause the prison gift bags are amazing.
Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter.
Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter.
Hey, batter, bah.
Lucas with a crazy base hit!
Dude, stop rooting for the other team.
You're just mad 'cause they are lighting you up.
- What's going on here? - Hi, Lindsay.
Introducing the Pawnee wiffle ball league.
It's an idea that I came up with
after my best friend, Ann, over there
said she wanted to bash your head in with a baseball bat.
And I want to thank you for the fence.
There's no way we could afford that high-quality wood.
What if someone hits a home run?
How will you get the ball back?
One of the many Eagleton kids who signed up
will just pop over and grab it.
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
- Why? - I don't know.
I thought maybe you could bust out your old jazz sweatshirt,
and you and I could go to Sullivan's for a beer.
Yeah, I do still have that sweatshirt.
I know you do.
Foul ball!
- You did all this in a day? - Yeah.
All right.
I work with some really great people.
Good job, guys. Great job.
Hey, did you hear the news?
Ben and Chris want us to go into Conference Room "C"
for a meeting.
Let's get this over with.
Happy Birthday, Ron.
Ann said you had a big party...
sombreros, karaoke.
Yeah, I did that for Ann.
Why would I throw Ron Swanson an Ann Perkins party?
What about the giant list of things April was doing?
That was just a list of ways to mess with you.
- She do 'em all? - She did indeed.
So I have rented Bridge on the River Kwai
and The Dirty Dozen.
Artie from security is outside the door,
so no one will bother you.
And a cab will be here whenever you're ready
to take you home.
Thank you.
Do you remember what you said to me five years ago
when Eagleton offered me that job,
and I asked you for your advice?
Uh, "do whatever the hell you want.
What do I care?"
Right, but then, after,
when I pressed you, what did you say?
I believe I said
that I thought we worked well together
and that I might disagree with your philosophy,
but I respected you.
And I said that you'll get
a lot of job offers in your life,
but you only have one hometown.
Yes.
That's how I remember it.
This, by the way, is a one-time-only situation.
Next year, your birthday party is gonna be a rager.
Mmm!
Mmm.