Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Soulmates - full transcript

Pawnee is, as you all know,

the fourth most obese city
in America.

Soon to be number three.

We're coming for you, San Antonio.

No, we are not.

We are slimming down...

Starting right here at City Hall.

I am implementing

a government-wide health initiative.

We could have
a City Hall dodgeball league.

I have first pick, and my pick is Ron.



Great idea. Keep 'em coming.

Now, if anybody would like to join me,

I will be running backwards
up the big hill

behind the Wal-Mart.

Don't freak out,

but Joe from sewage just
unhooked your bra with his eyes.

What? Oh, boy.

Hi, Joe. What's up, Knope?

Looking good these days.

What do you say? Van's out back.

Let's roll.

- Where's this coming from?
- I don't know.

You're putting out some vibe today.

It's just driving me crazy.



Listen, if you're looking
for a good time,

why don't you come on down
to the toilet party?

That's what we call
the sewage department.

Great. Okay.

Liking the view.

- Still got it, Joe.
- No, you don't.

Christopher, got a second?

Oh, hey, Ron.

Listen, I've eaten
a commissary hamburger

for lunch every day for 12 years.

I just wanted to make sure

this pointless health crusade

won't affect the only part
of my job that I like.

Oh, no, those hamburgers are gone.

Red meat can cause sluggishness,

heart disease, even impotence.

Has the opposite effect on me.

You ever tried a turkey burger?

Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?

If so, yes. Delicious.

A turkey burger--you take
lean ground turkey meat,

and you make that into a
burger, instead of red meat.

Why would anyone do that
to themselves?

What if I told you that
I could make a turkey burger

that tastes better than any
other burger you've ever had?

Challenge accepted--

Cook-off later today in the courtyard.

If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.

What do I get if I win?

The rarest jewel of all--

Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

I like that. We're on.

You know, I can't
believe I'm saying this,

but I actually checked out that,
uh--that snow globe museum

that you recommended,
and it was pretty awesome,

I have to say.

I mean, I did get in trouble
for shaking one.

Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

So I have some ideas
for the health initiative.

Okay. How about I swing by later,

and we'll just, you know,
maybe go over everything?

Or we could go out after work--

You know, go to JJ's
or something, grab a bite.

Um, I-I don't think I can.

But why don't we just talk
about it later

in this building?

Okay? All right.

But, uh, you're great,
and you have great ideas,

and...

Um...

Uh, bye.

Bye, babe.

Hey, I brought
this cholesterol-testing kit

for the health thing.
Okay, let's do it.

So I asked Ben out to dinner,
and he said no.

What? He seemed really into you.

What did he say exactly?

He was like, "huh? What?
Huh? Oh. Bye."

And then he walked into an
office that wasn't his.

Oh. You know what?

If he doesn't want to go out
with you, he's nuts.

You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.

I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.

I know. Who was that guy
you were talking to out there

and then also kissing? I was--

Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.

I haven't pricked you yet.

Oh, sorry. I was just picturing it.

You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.

Have you thought
about Internet dating?

Really? I don't think that's for me.

Aah! You're a monster.

Still haven't done it yet.
You know what?

I'll help you set up a profile.
It'll be fun.

All right, yeah, let's do it.
Okay, good.

- I'm glad that's over.
- Oh, it's not.

You, Ann!

Who the hell is "Forp"?

I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.

It sounded like his name was Forp.

- You get his number?
- No.

Good girl.

Ron Swanson.
April Ludgate.

Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to grain 'n simple

to get the very best
ingredients for my burger.

- Do you want to come?
- What is grain 'n simple?

It's a health-food store.

Pawnee doesn't have
a health-food store.

No, but Snerling does, and
it's only a 40-minute drive.

What are you doing, Andy?

I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.

Chris is a food genius.

Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?

Yeah. Boom! That's spaghetti.

Nachos.

That's a cookie.

That's my husband.

- See you tomorrow?
- Okay.

Is that a different guy from earlier?

- What?
- Never mind.

You ready to rock this profile?

All right.

Yellow-haired female

likes waffles and news.

Sexy, well-read blonde

loves the sweeter things in life.

Much better.

- Hobbies?
- Organizing my agenda.

Wait, that doesn't sound fun.

Um, jamming on my planner.

Favorite place?

Upstairs there's this mural
of wildflowers,

and I like to sit on a bench
in front of it.

Really?

It could be anywhere in the world--

Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.

No, just the bench
in front of the mural.

What about, like,
an actual meadow

- where wildflowers are?
- Ew, Ann.

I'm scared of bees. Mural.

Okay, what do you think of dogs?

Love.

- Cats.
- Love.

- Fish.
- Love.

Turtles.

No opinion.

They're condescending.

Describe your ideal man.

He's dark and mysterious,

and he can sing,
and he plays the organ.

I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.

Mm.

Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.

Hey, Chris.

Amber, Annie, Bill, Johnny.

No, I don't plan to buy anything here.

I buy my burger ingredients
at food and stuff,

a discount-food outlet
equidistant from my home

and my work.

I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.

Shh.

Look at that thing.

Nature is amazing.

Okay. Oh, my God.

A 98% match.

That's a soul-mate-level match.

I've never seen anything
this high before.

Awesome.

Okay. I know what you're thinking.

And you know what?
You have to forget about Ben.

He had his chance, and he blew it.

This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.

Yeah. Okay...

Entire universe of guys
I might date,

let's see what you got.

Ah!

Craig, your service is crap.

- Can you be more specific?
- Yes.

Your soul-mate match
was totally wrong for me.

I mean, I like him as a friend
and everything,

but I'd never go out with him.

He's like a little sister to me.

We have a very sophisticated algorithm

that's paired up thousands of couples.

I actually met my wife on the site.

Really? Well, that's not gonna last.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

Your marriage is a sham.
Good-bye, Craig.

See you, sweetheart.

Wow, he seems nice.

Eh. He kind of lives in a barn.

- What's up?
- What's wrong with me?

Why do good guys hate me
and gross guys love me?

Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You are an intelligent,
classy, attractive woman.

But for whatever reason,
right now

only douche-y guys are buying
what you're selling.

So I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.

A douche-vestigation.

Nice.

Hi, Joe.

I know you're gonna take this
the wrong way,

but can I talk to you
for a second?

You can do anything to me
for any number of seconds.

- Hmm.
- Would you like to talk outside

- in my van?
- No. Here's fine.

I was flattered
by what you said earlier.

And I was just wondering, what
do you look for in a woman?

She can't be in a wheelchair,

no canes, no gray hair.

So basically
you're just attracted to me

because I'm not an elderly person.

Yeah.

And as I aforementioned,

you have a killer dumpster.

What does this do?

Would you like to sample
our vegan bacon?

100% meatless.

Yes, please.

Another, please.

Sure.

S-sir, is there a problem?

I'm just making sure
no one ever has to eat this.

I-I don't think
I can give you anymore.

I want one.

Yeah, I'm calling to lodge a complaint

about the seaweed and almond
under-eye cream

I purchased from you guys.

Oh, my problem is it smells terrible.

Yeah, I even mixed it
with another under-eye cream,

and it still smelled,
so I ruined two eye creams.

Yes, I will hold.

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be ♪

♪ forever young ♪

♪ do you really want to live ♪

♪ forever? ♪

What's this?

Dragon fruit.

What's this?

A kiwano or horned melon.

- What's this?
- A peach.

I knew that.

Wow.

Fresh lettuce
is my all-time favorite food.

What's your favorite food?

Oh, I take skittles,

and I put it between
two starbursts.

- You know what I call it?
- Skittle sandwich.

That's pretty good.

No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

It's nice because the flavor
of the starbursts

really bring out

a similar flavor in the skittles.

♪ Forever young ♪

- * I want to be forever young *
- Hey, Tom.

Um... What's up?

Do you want to go to lunch?

Uh, no, I don't really feel
like going to JJ's.

We can go anywhere.

Your choice. I'm buying.

Can I get apps and 'serts?

'Serts are what I call desserts.

Tray-trays are entrees.

I call sandwiches Sammies,
Sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.

Air conditioners
are cool blasterz, with a "z."

I don't know where that came from.

I call cakes big old cookies.

I call noodles long-ass rice.

Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick.

Chicken parm
is chicky-chicky parm-parm.

Chicken cacciatore-- Chicky catch.

I call eggs pre-birds or future birds.

Root beer is super water.

Tortillas are bean blankies.

And I call forks...

Food rakes.

Yeah, you can get
as many 'serts as you want.

Well, let's get in my go-go mobile.

Car.

This'll be fun.

Let's say you rub a bottle
and a genie comes out

and gives you three wishes--
What would those wishes be?

- Come on, Leslie.
- This'll be a fun game.

Three wishes. Go.

Okay, first wish,
I have a huge house

with a ton of balconies.

Yeah, okay.

And I would just stand out
there observing my empire,

like a drug dealer
in a Michael Bay movie.

And I'll just spend my time
out there reading my iPad

and drinking espressos
in a terrycloth robe.

Wish number two.

Okay, I'm the CEO
of the Spike TV Network.

And my best friend / personal assistant

is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.

And we create
a raunchy animated series

based on our friendship called
Tommy and the Foxx.

Okay, we don't have
to do this anymore.

No, no, I'm into it now.

Wish number three--

They remake Point Break.

I play both roles--

Keanu and Swayze.

I think if you continue
cross-training the way you have,

you're gonna--

I don't see any ingredients.

- Have you bought ingredients?
- Nope.

- Do you need help shopping?
- No.

Are you hurt?
Can you move?

Never felt better.

Chris!

Can I get these?

I said one thing.

Eh. Honey?

Pinwheel.

Let's play a different game.

I'm gonna say stuff about me,

and you say,
on a scale from one to ten,

how interested in
that thing you are.

Ready? Okay.

I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.

- One.
- I have read

five biographies
of Eleanor Roosevelt.

- One.
- I work

- at the parks and recreation...
- One.

- That's what you do.
- One.

I once kissed
a girl in college...

Eight.

Where I graduated
Summa Cum Laude in history.

One, zero, negative a billion.

Don't talk about it
anymore, please.

I love food and stuff.

It's where I buy all of my food...

And most of my stuff.

Hey, can I get these?

How much are they?

Two bucks apiece.

Good deal.

Anything else?

Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

So the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?

Wendy, Lucy. All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?

No. I really liked them,

and they happened
to have nice breasts.

You're acting really weird.

W-what'd you even
buy me lunch for--

Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?

Okay.

Promise not to tell anyone?

- Sure.
- This is insane.

98% match.

Soul-mate-level match.

You want to date me.

This is a date.

This is not a date, okay?

Uh, you took me to a
fancy restaurant.

You paid for my meal.

And you're trying to get
to know me better.

I was just trying to figure out

why only sleazy guys
are into me right now.

Nice try. You love me.

♪ Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford ♪

♪ dating in the day,
dating in the night ♪

♪ dating all day
'cause he's keeping it tight ♪

All right, Tom, enough.

♪ Dating in the car,
dating on the floor ♪

♪ dating everywhere,
'cause she wants some more ♪

Hey, Tom, I'm just printing
out these health tips.

- Can you grab them for me?
- One second.

I'm just looking
at some real-estate listings.

Oh, this is perfect for us--

Three bedroom,
and, oh, God, Les,

it has that dream closet
you've always wanted--

- A walk-in closet.
- Oh, God.

Hey, hey, Boo.

What's wrong? Where'd you go?

- Come back to me.
- Stop it.

Don't disappear on me.
I need you, Boo.

All right.
Uh, let's get into it.

What do you guys have
for health tips?

Ben, if it's okay with you,

Leslie and I are gonna lead
the meeting today

because of our deep
spiritual connection.

Oka-- All right.

Is everything okay?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

Everything is great, Ben.

Les and I just had
something magical happen today

at lunch.

There is some weird juju
in this room right now.

Office yoga.
We do stretches at our desk

or next to our desk
or in a chair--

always good for you.

Um...

We give everyone pedometers,

and we have a contest--

Whoever takes the most steps
wins a prize.

You know, anything to get
their heart rate up.

You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?

Doing it.

Talking about sex with my boss.

Can you excuse us for a second?

Yeah.

Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?

Ow! Let me get out of the chair!

Hey! What is wrong with you?

Leslie, it's the workplace.

You're being a little bit
too feisty right now.

You are being a little bit
too much of an ass right now.

Okay? Knock it off.

I can't fight this feeling anymore.

You and I--

We're dating.

You should be so lucky.

- Leslie.
- Huh?

Tom.

They should fix that.

It was all-- just a joke.

I can assure you, there's
nothing romantic going on

- between me and Tom.
- I have a very strict policy--

No office relationships,

particularly between
a supervisor and an employee.

The taxpayers pay us,

so we can't have anything

appearing even
remotely scandalous.

I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,

- I'm gonna have to suspend you.
- I understand.

Look. Cucumber flower.

Wow. That's so cute.

Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.

What?

So just type up
those ones we talked about,

and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.

Yep.

- Hey, Tom.
- Yep.

Um...

What was all that stuff
with you and Leslie?

Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?

Fine.

We got matched up
on an online dating site.

And I was messing with her.
She got pissed.

So she took me out
in the hallway and kissed me

- out of revenge.
- Really?

And as much as it pains me
to admit this,

it was not disgusting.

Okay, well,
I don't need the details.

I'm just saying,
she knows what to do.

- All right.
- Like, I was impressed.

- Yeah.
- It was stirring.

- Good-bye.
- It felt like--

- Can-- Yep.
- All right.

- Just-- All right.
- Anyway, like I was saying...

I humbly place before you

my east meets west patented
Traeger turkey burger--

An Asian fusion burger

made with Willow Farms
organic turkey,

a toasted tallegio-cheese crisp,

papaya chutney,
black truffle aioli,

and micro-greens
on a gluten-free brioche bun.

- Enjoy.
- Mmm.

This tastes as delicious
as Beyonce smells...

I'm guessing.

What is this in here-- Saffron?

Wow, somebody's got a sharp palate.

I love the umami flavor.

Stop being so pretentious, Kyle.

- Sorry.
- Here's mine.

It's a hamburger
made out of meat on a bun

with nothing.

Add ketchup if you want.

I couldn't care less.

Ron, I'm so disappointed.

I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.

Never mind. This is better.

- Way better.
- Mmm. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Kyle?

Sorry, Andy. Ron's is better.

Damn it, Kyle.

Oh, my God, it's so much
better, it's crazy.

Turkey can never beat cow, Chris.

Sorry.

I don't understand.

I-I-I've tinkered
with this recipe for years.

Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had hamburger.

This is better.

The commissary will
continue to serve

horrifying,
artery-clogging hamburgers.

Man, we spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.

I know. Hard work never pays off.

Cooking is dumb.

I swear on this dead crow

that I will never cook for you.

I love you.

I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings

after I forced you
to break up with Tom.

Oh, we weren't-- No.

No hard feelings.

'Cause it's just
a real bugaboo of mine.

And it applies to everyone.

Just the other day, Ben told me

that he might want to
socialize with somebody

from the government,
and I said, "I'm sorry"...

- "Not possible."
- Really?

Did he say who?

No, and I didn't ask,
'cause it's irrelevant.

He oversees every department.

It simply can't happen.

This is literally the best
thing I've ever eaten.

Mmm. And it's so bad for me.

I'm gonna have to jog
while I digest this.

Excuse me.

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.

Well, uh, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.

Also, what's chutney?

- No clue.
- Yeah.

Hey, I never got to tell you
the rest of my ideas.

You want to go somewhere
and talk about 'em?

Yeah. Yeah,
I'd love to.

Um, let me get some actual food

and then-- do you know

that wildflower mural
up on the second floor?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

You want to meet there?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Sounds good.

I don't know
if the online thing is for me.

I prefer to meet people in person.

It's like door number two

on Let's Make a Deal.

Do you want the thing that you have,

that you know you like

but isn't perfect,

or do you give it up for
what's behind door number two?

I think I like what I have.

I'm gonna try to make it work
with Tom.

I'm kidding.

How did you and I get matched up?

I made 26 profiles,

each designed to attract
a different type of girl.

Tom A. Haverford,
sporty and sexy.

Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.

Which letter did you get?

"N." Tom N. Haverford.

The "N" stands for "Nerd."

I never even check that one,

'cause no one ever responds to it.

Okay, well, whatever.

Tom N. Haverford collects globes.

Great. That's enough.

His favorite movie is books.

Donna.

Every time I want you
to shut up from now on.