Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Soulmates - full transcript

Pawnee is, as you all know,

the fourth most
obese city in America.

Soon to be number three.
We're coming for you, San Antonio.

No, we are not.
We are slimming down.

Starting right
here at City Hall.

I am implementing a
government-wide health initiative.

We could have a City Hall
dodgeball league!

I have first pick,
and my pick is Ron.

CHRIS: Great idea!
Keep 'em coming.

Now, if anybody would like to join me,
I will be running backwards

up the big hill
behind the Walmart.



Don't freak out,
but Joe from Sewage

just unhooked your
bra with his eyes.

What?

Oh, boy.

Hi, Joe.
What's up, Knope?

Looking good these days.
What do you say?

Van's out back.
Let's roll.

Where is this coming from?

I don't know.
You're putting out some vibe today.

It's just driving me
crazy.

Listen, if you're
looking for a good time,

why don't you come on down
to the Toilet Party?

That's what we call
the Sewage Department.

Great. Okay.



Liking the view.

Still got it, Joe.
LESLIE: No, you don't.

Christopher.
Got a second?

Oh, hey, Ron.

Listen. I've eaten
a commissary hamburger

for lunch every
day for 12 years.

I just wanted to make sure this
pointless health crusade won't affect

the only part of
my job that I like.

Oh, no,
those hamburgers are gone.

Red meat can cause sluggishness,
heart disease, even impotence.

Has the opposite
effect on me.

You ever tried
a turkey burger?

Is that a fried turkey leg
inside a grilled hamburger?

If so, yes. Delicious.

A turkey burger. You take lean,
ground turkey meat,

you make that into a burger
instead of red meat.

Why would anyone
do that to themselves?

What if I told you that I could make
a turkey burger that tastes better

than any other
burger you've ever had?

Challenge accepted.
Cook-off later today in the courtyard.

If I win, hamburgers remain
in the commissary.

What do I get if I win?

The rarest jewel of all.
Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

I like that.

We're on.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I actually checked out

that snow globe museum
that you recommended,

and it was pretty awesome.

Yeah.
I have to say.

I mean, I did get in
trouble for shaking one...

Yeah, I'm not
allowed there anymore.

So, I have some ideas
for the health initiative.

Oh, okay.
How about I swing by later

and we'll just, you know,
we'll go over everything?

Or we could go out
after work.

You know, go to J.J.'s or something,
grab a bite?

Um, I don't think I can.

But why don't we just talk about
it later, in this building?

Okay? All right.

But, you're great.
And you have great ideas. And...

Uh...

Bye.

Bye, babe.

Hey, I brought this cholesterol
testing kit for the health thing.

Okay, let's do it. So, I asked
Ben out to dinner and he said no.

What?
Yeah.

He seemed really into you.
What did he say exactly?

He was like,
"Huh? What? Uh... Bye."

And then, he walked into
an office that wasn't his.

You know what? If he doesn't want
to go out with you, he's nuts.

You're awesome, and there's a
million other guys out there.

I have been having so much fun
just dating a bunch of people.

I know. Who was that guy you
were talking to out there?

And then also kissing?

I was... Crap on a crayfish.
That really stings.

I haven't
pricked you, yet.

Oh, sorry.
I was just picturing it.

You know what?
Maybe you need to cast a wider net.

Have you thought
about Internet dating?

Really? I don't think that's for me.
You're a monster.

Still haven't
done it, yet.

You know what? I'll help you
set up a profile. It'll be fun.

All right. Yeah, let's do it.
Okay. Good. I'm glad that's over.

Oh, it's not.

(BLEEP) you, Ann!

Who the hell is Forp?

I don't know.
I couldn't really hear him.

It sounded like
his name was Forp.

Get his number?
No.

Good girl.

Ron Swanson. April Ludgate.

Hey, I'm just gonna pop over
to Grain 'N Simple

to get the very
best ingredients

for my burger.
Do you wanna come?

What is Grain 'N Simple?

It's a health food store.

Pawnee doesn't have
a health food store.

No, but Snerling does.
And it's only a 40-minute drive.

What are you doing, Andy?

I'm getting healthier snacks
for the shoeshine stand.

Chris is a food genius.

Did you know that the food
you eat becomes energy?

Yeah. Boom.
That's spaghetti.

Nachos. That's a cookie.

That's my husband.

See you tomorrow?
Okay.

Is that a different guy
from earlier?

What?
Never mind.

You ready to
rock this profile?

All right.

Yellow-haired female.

Likes waffles and news.

Sexy, well-read blonde.
Loves the sweeter things in life.

Much better.
Hobbies?

Organizing my agenda.
Wait, that doesn't sound fun.

Jamming on my planner.

Favorite place?

Upstairs, there is
this mural of wildflowers.

And I like to sit on
a bench in front of it.

Really? It could be
anywhere in the world.

Paris, Hawaii,
the Grand Canyon.

Nope. Just the bench
in front of the mural.

What about, like,
an actual meadow where wildflowers are?

Eww, Ann.
I'm scared of bees. Mural.

Okay. What do you
think of dogs?

Love.

Cats?
Love.

Fish?
Love.

Turtles?

No opinion.

They're condescending.

Describe your ideal man.

He's dark and mysterious.
And he can sing. And he plays the organ.

I think you just described
the Phantom of the Opera.

Hmm.

Ah, Nirvana. Hey, guys.

ALL: Hey, Chris.

Amber. Annie. Bill. Johnny.

RON: No. I don't plan
to buy anything here.

I buy my burger ingredients
at Food and Stuff,

a discount food outlet equidistant
from my home and my work.

I came here for the same
reason people go to the zoo.

Shh.

Look at that thing.

Nature is amazing.

Okay.

Oh, my God. A 98% match?

That's
a soul mate-level match.

I've never seen
anything this high before.

Awesome.

Okay. I know what you're thinking.
And you know what?

You have to forget about Ben.
He had his chance and he blew it.

This computer could have found
the future Mr. Leslie Knope.

Yeah. Okay. Entire universe of guys
I might date, let's see what you got.

(EXCLAIMS)

This is Craig at hoosiermate.
com. How can I help you?

Craig, your service
is crap.

Can you be more specific?

Yes. Your soul mate match
was totally wrong for me.

I mean, I like him as a friend and everything,
but I'd never go out with him.

He's like
a little sister to me.

We have a very
sophisticated algorithm

that's paired up
thousands of couples.

I actually met my
wife on the site.

Really?
Well, that's not gonna last.

Excuse me?
You heard me.

Your marriage is a sham.
Goodbye, Craig. No, actually...

See you, sweetheart.

He seems nice.

Eh, he kind of lives
in a barn. What's up?

What's wrong with me?
Why do good guys hate me

and gross guys love me?

Diagnose me.
You're a nurse.

There's nothing
wrong with you.

You're an intelligent, classy,
attractive woman.

But for whatever reason,
right now,

only douchey guys are
buying what you're selling.

So, I should go and ask them
what they think I'm selling.

A douche-vestigation.

Nice.

Hi, Joe. I know you're gonna
take this the wrong way,

but can I talk to
you for a second?

You can do anything to me,
for any number of seconds.

Hmm.

Would you like to
talk outside in my van?

No, here's fine. I was flattered
by what you said earlier.

And I was just wondering,
what do you look for in a woman?

She can't be in a wheelchair.
No canes. No gray hair.

So, basically,
you're just attracted to me

because I'm not
an elderly person.

Yeah. And as I aforementioned,
you have a killer dumpster.

What does this do?

Would you like to sample our
vegan bacon? 100% meatless.

Yes, please.

Another, please.

Sir? Is there a problem?

I'm just making sure no
one ever has to eat this.

I don't think I can
give you any more.

I want one.

Hey.

Yeah, I'm calling to
lodge a complaint about

the seaweed and
almond under-eye cream

I purchased from you guys.

Oh, my problem is
it smells terrible.

Yeah, I even mixed it
with another

under-eye cream
and it still smelled.

So, I ruined two eye creams.
Yes, I will hold.

(SINGING) Forever young,
I wanna be forever young

Do you really
wanna live forever

What's this?

Dragon fruit.

What's this?

A kiwano, or horned melon.

What's this?

A peach.

I knew that.

Wow! Fresh lettuce is my
all-time favorite food.

What's your favorite food?

Well, I take Skittles,
and I put it between two Starbursts.

You know what I call it?
Skittle sandwich?

That's pretty good.
No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

It's nice because
the flavor of the Starbursts

really bring out a similar
flavor in the Skittles.

Forever young I wanna be...

Hey, Tom.

What's up?

Do you wanna go to lunch?

No, I don't really
feel like going to J.J.'s.

We can go anywhere.
Your choice. I'm buying.

Can I get apps
and 'zerts?

'Zerts are what
I call desserts.

Tray-trays are entrees.

I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles,
or Adam Sandlers.

Air conditioners are
cool blasterz, with a Z.

I don't know
where that came from.

I call cakes
big ol' cookies.

I call noodles
long-ass rice.

Fried chicken is
fry-fry chicky-chick.

Chicken parm is
chicky-chicky parm-parm.

Chicken cacciatore?
Chicky catch.

I call eggs
pre-birds or future birds.

Root beer is super water.

Tortillas are bean blankies.

And I call forks food rakes.

Yeah.
You can get as many 'zerts as you want.

Well, let's get
in my go-go mobile.

Car.

This'll be fun. Let's say you rub
a bottle and a genie comes out

and gives you three wishes.
What would those wishes be?

Come on, Leslie.
This'll be a fun game.

Three wishes. Go.

Okay. First wish? I have a huge
house with a ton of balconies.

Yeah. Okay.

And I would just
stand out there

and survey my empire, like a drug
dealer in a Michael Bay movie.

And I'll just
spend my time out there

reading my iPad and drinking
espressos in a terry cloth robe.

Wish number two.

Okay. I'm the CEO of
the Spike TV network.

And my best friend slash personal
assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.

And we create a raunchy animated
series based on our friendship,

called Tommy and the Foxx.

Okay. We don't have
to do this anymore.

No, no. I'm into it now. Wish number
three. They remake Point Break.

I play both roles.
Keanu and Swayze.

I think if you
continue cross-training

the way you have,
you're gonna...

I don't see any ingredients.
Have you bought ingredients?

Nope.

Do you need help shopping?
No.

Are you hurt? Can you move?
Never felt better.

Chris! Can I get these?

I said one thing.

Honey?

Pinwheel.

Let's play a different game.
I'm gonna say stuff about me,

and you say,
on a scale from 1 to 10,

how interested in
that thing you are.

Ready?
Okay.

I love sunshine and fresh
air and early-morning walks.

One.
I've read five biographies

of Eleanor Roosevelt.
One.

I work at the Parks
and Recreation... One.

That's what you do.
One.

I once kissed
a girl in college.

Eight.

Where I graduated summa
cum laude in history.

One. Zero. Negative a billion.
Don't talk about it anymore, please.

RON: I love Food and Stuff.

It's where I buy
all of my food.

And most of my stuff.

Hey, can I get these?

How much are they?

Two bucks apiece.

Good deal.

Anything else?

Nope. Just the crows
and the beef.

So, the only thing that's
important to you is hotness?

Wendy? Lucy? All you cared about
was the shape of their boobs?

No, I really liked them,
and they happened to have nice breasts.

You're acting really weird.
What did you even buy me lunch for?

Just so you could yell at me
for what I like about women?

Okay. Promise
not to tell anyone?

Sure.

This is insane, but you and I got
matched up on hoosiermate. com.

98% match.

Soul mate-level match.

You wanna date me!
This is a date!

This is not
a date, okay?

You took me to a fancy restaurant,
you paid for my meal,

and you're trying to
get to know me better.

I was just trying to
figure out why only

sleazy guys are
into me right now.

Nice try. You love me.

(SINGING) Leslie Knope,
Tom Haverford

Dating in the day,
dating in the night

Dating all day 'cause
he's keeping it tight

All right, Tom. Enough.

Dating in the car,
dating on the floor

Dating everywhere
'cause she wants some more

What, yeah,
oh, we're going to, yeah...

Hey, Tom,
I'm just printing out these health tips.

Can you grab them for me?

One second. I'm just looking
at some real estate listings.

Oh, this is perfect for us.

Three-bedroom, and...
Oh, God, Les.

It has that dream closet
you've always wanted.

A walk-in closet.

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, boo.
What's wrong?

Where did you go?
Come back to me.

Stop it.

Don't disappear on me.
I need you, boo.

All right. Let's get into it.
What do you guys have for health tips?

Ben, if it's okay
with you, Leslie and I

are going to lead
the meeting today,

because of our deep
spiritual connection.

Okay. All right.
Is everything okay or...

Oh, yeah.
Okay.

Everything is great, Ben.

Les and I just had something
magical happen today at lunch.

There is some weird juju
in this room right now.

Office yoga. We do stretches
at our desk or next to our desk

or in a chair.
Always good for you.

We give everyone pedometers
and we have a contest.

Whoever takes
the most steps wins a prize.

Anything to get
their heart rate up.

You know what else
gets people's heart rate up?

Doing it.

Talking about
sex with my boss.

Can you excuse us for a second?
Yeah.

Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?
(EXCLAIMS)

Let me get off the chair.

Hey...
What is wrong with you?

Leslie. It's the workplace. You're
being a little bit too feisty right now.

You are being a little bit too
much of an ass right now. Okay?

Knock it off.

I can't fight
this feeling anymore.

You and I, we're dating.

You should be so lucky.

CHRIS: Leslie.
Huh?

Tom.

(SILENCE)

They should fix that.

It was all just a joke.

I can assure you, there's nothing
romantic going on between me and Tom.

I have a very strict policy.
No office relationships,

particularly between a
supervisor and an employee.

The taxpayers pay us.
So, we can't have anything appearing

even remotely scandalous.

I'm just saying, if you can't
keep your mouth to yourself,

I'm gonna have
to suspend you.

I understand.

Look. Cucumber flower.

Wow, that's so cute.

Wait, that's a garnish.
You're not supposed to eat that.

What?

So, just type up those
ones we talked about,

and we'll get it
finalized tomorrow.

Yep.

Hey, Tom.
Yeah.

What was all that
stuff with you and Leslie?

Girl likes Indian food.
What can I say?

Fine. We got matched up
on an online dating site.

And I was messing
with her, she got pissed.

So, she took me out in the hallway
and kissed me, out of revenge.

Really?

And as much as it pains me to
admit this, it was not disgusting.

Okay. Well, I don't need
the details or anything.

I'm just saying.
She knows what to do.

All right.

Like, I was impressed.
Yeah.

It was stirring.

Goodbye.
It felt like...

Yeah.
All right.

Just...

Anyway, like I was saying...

I humbly place before you

my east-meets-west patented
Traeger Turkey Burger,

an Asian-fusion burger made with
Willow Farms organic turkey,

a toasted taleggio cheese crisp,
papaya chutney,

black truffle aioli,
and microgreens

on a gluten-free
brioche bun. Enjoy.

TOM: Mmm.
Mmm.

This tastes as
delicious as Beyonc? smells.

I'm guessing.

What is this in here?
Saffron?

Wow! Somebody's
got a sharp palate.

I love the umami flavor.

Stop being
so pretentious, Kyle.

Sorry.

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made
out of meat, on a bun, with nothing.

Add ketchup if you want.
I couldn't care less.

Ron, I am so disappointed.

I thought that you and I were
gonna have a real challenge.

Never mind.
This is better.

Way better.

Mmm. Yep.
Mmm-hmm.

Kyle?

Sorry, Andy.
Ron's is better.

Damn it, Kyle. Oh, my God.
It's so much better, it's crazy.

Turkey can never
beat cow, Chris. Sorry.

Well, I don't understand.

I've tinkered with
this recipe for years.

Granted, it's been a long time
since I've had a hamburger.

This is better.
The commissary will continue to serve

horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers.

(ALL CHEERING)

Man. We spent, like, 50 hours
working on those burgers.

I know.
Hard work never pays off.

Cooking is dumb.

I swear on this dead crow that
I will never cook for you.

I love you.

I just wanted to make sure that
there were no hard feelings

after I forced you
to break up with Tom.

Oh, we weren't...
No. No hard feelings.

'Cause it's just a real bugaboo of mine.
And it applies to everyone.

Just the other day,
Ben told me that he might

want to socialize with
somebody from the government

and I said, " I'm sorry.
Not possible."

Really? Did he say who?

No, and I didn't ask. Because it's irrelevant.
He oversees every department.

It simply can't happen.
This is literally the best thing I've ever eaten.

Mmm. And it's so bad for me.

I'm gonna have to jog while
I digest this. Excuse me.

LESLIE: Hey. What's up?

Hey. Well, I think
I'm allergic to chutney.

Also, what's chutney?

No clue.
Yeah.

Hey, I never got to tell
you the rest of my ideas.

You wanna go somewhere
and talk about them?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to.
Let me get some actual food,

and then, do you know that wildflower
mural up on the second floor?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah? You wanna meet there?

Yeah.
Okay.

Sounds good.

LESLIE: I don't know if
the online thing is for me.

I prefer to meet
people in person.

It's like door number two
on Let's Make a Deal.

Do you want
the thing that you have,

that you know you like,
but isn't perfect,

or do you give it up for
what's behind door number two?

I think I like what I have.

I'm gonna try to
make it work with Tom.

I'm kidding!

All right, be honest, Tom.
How did you and I get matched up?

I made 26 profiles,

each designed to attract
a different type of girl.

Tom A. Haverford.
Sporty and sexy.

Tom B. Haverford,
smooth and soulful.

Which letter did you get?

N, Tom N. Haverford.

(LAUGHING) The N
stands for nerd!

I never even check that one,
'cause no one ever responds to it.

Okay. Well, whatever.

Tom N. Haverford
collects globes.

Great. That's enough.

His favorite movie
is books.

Donna?

Every time I want you
to shut up, from now on.