Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 21 - 94 Meetings - full transcript

- Can I run something by you?
- Sure. I love having things run by me.

I feel like you're being sarcastic.

No, no. I'm not.
I genuinely love it.

Run it by me.
Go ahead. Go go.

So I've been worried
that Ann maybe thinks

that our relationship
isn't moving forward fast enough.

And so I'm wondering
if maybe I should ask her

if she would like to move in
with me.

Good idea? Bad idea?
You tell me.

I would say that some women
won't consider moving in with someone

unless they think marriage
is in the future, which I know is...



I intend to marry her.

For realskies?

I'm not really quite sure
how I feel.

It's a little weird.
I'm happy for them. They're my friends.

I'm nauseous.

If I could just sum it up
in one word, it would be...

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Episode 221
94 Meetings

mpm - lestat

Parks and rec.

Confirming what?

That's not possible.

Why are there six people outside
who say they're waiting to meet with me?



So you know how you love me
because you haven't had

a single meeting with anyone
since I became your assistant?

That's because
every time someone calls

and requests a meeting with you,

I always schedule it for march 31st.

- Why?
- I didn't think march 31st existed.

30 days has September,
April, March, and November.

June and November.

Today is March 31st.

I know.

So then how many meetings
do I have today?

93.

- You know what to do.
- Right.

To me, this situation
is a blood-soaked,

nightmarish hellscape.

However, to Leslie Knope...

How fun.

Why don't you take as many as you can
and I'll cover the rest?

I have an idea.

Why don't I try to rustle up
seven more meetings

'cause I think it would be cooler
if there were an even 100.

Why don't we stick to these 93
and see how it goes.

This is the perfect distraction.

So I have everything I need.

I have a fresh cup of coffee,
comfy, fur-lined boots.

I'll need them later.

Yeah, no problem. They're actually
a little narrow for me.

Leslie, here's a guy.

Hi, I'm Leslie Knope,
deputy director.

Bill Haggardy,
Pawnee historical society.

I'm supposed to be meeting
with Ron Swanson.

I understand that. He's tied up.

I've been trying
to meet with him three months

and now he's not available.

It's probably too late now,
but some rich woman, Jessica Wicks,

has rented out Turnbill mansion
for a party

and she's making alterations.

"Alterations"?

Turnbill mansion is one of the most
beloved historical sites in Pawnee.

In 1867, the progressive
reverend Turnbill

officiated a wedding
between a white woman

and a Wamapoke Indian chief.

The secret ceremony
was beautiful and romantic.

But then word got out
and the reception was a bloodbath.

Fortunately,
there were two survivors.

Unfortunately,
they were both horses.

Hold up. Former beauty queen
Jessica Wicks?

Tom Haverford. I'm gonna
be running point on this, Bill.

- Why didn't you try to stop her?
- Her husband is Nick Newport, Sr.

From Sweetums. Everyone in this town
is afraid to say no to him.

Everybody just relax.

What are the alterations?

Drilling holes. Painting.
Removing wainscoting.

She's tearing down the gazebo.

What? She's what?
No, she's not.

Okay, Tom, go get the car.

- Don't throw things at me.
- These are tight.

I'll devise an action plan

to help us coordinate better.

Will you? Great.
Thanks for coming in.

- Who's next?
- Tom, I'll meet you at the car.

Where are you going?
We have 91 more meetings.

Sorry.
As much as I would like to go

for the all-time, city hall
single day meetings record,

there is an emergency.

Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.

Sorry I can't hang out.
I have an emergency.

I'm actually here to see Mark.

Right. Thanks for the coffee.

- That's also for Mark.
- I really need it though.

But next time more sugar.
Okay, thanks. Bye!

I postpone the rest?

Or I could set myself on fire
and create a diversion.

I'm gonna do all of these today.

Round up whoever's free.

I'm gonna need more Ron Swansons.

Look at that.
It's gorgeous.

What kind of monster
would want to change this?

Pre-zit.

Do you have any brown concealer
by any chance?

I need to look good for Jessica.

They may be rich,
but they can't just destroy history.

- Let's go.
- Right behind you.

I just need to spend a minute
on my cologne cloud.

- What is that?
- Attack by Dennis Feinstein.

When you want to attack the senses
of the lady you want to bed.

Door! Door! Door! Door!

Close it.

So basically,
we're completely swamped.

All hands on deck.

I don't even work here.

Don't care. I need anyone
with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.

Do you need help with anything?

No. We're good. Thanks.
In fact, you can head home early.

Right now the four of us
are gonna divvy up all these meetings.

Make 'em feel
like they've been heard.

- Understood?
- Yes, sir.

Bert Macklin, FBI, on the case.

April, you take Leslie's office.

Andy, the conference room.

Ann, take your meetings
in the courtyard.

Just sit there
and don't ruin the city.

Dismissed.

What are you doing?

Can I get a badge?

Brought you coffee.
Help you get through the day.

Thanks, dude.

No problem, lady.

- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.

April is the best.

But she's 20.

When April was born,
I was already in 3rd grade.

So if we were friends back then,
I'd have been hanging out with a baby.

I don't know anything
about infant care.

My God, I could've killed her.

Mr. Newport, sr.

I've just been informed
that you plan on altering this mansion.

And as a member
of the parks department,

as a Pawneean, and an American,

I ask you to refrain
from harming this historic structure.

What?

- I'll take care of this, love nut.
- Biscuit.

I'm Jessica Wicks.
Miss Pawnee 1994.

We've met before. We were both judges
at the pageant last year.

Leslie Knorp.
Of course. How are you?

Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo.

Are you aging in reverse
'cause you look barely legal?

If you're not the most
charming man in Indiana.

And this must be
the luckiest man in Indiana.

Sir, it is an honor to meet you.

Come here, you.

Tell me straight.

Are you a Chinese?

I'm one of the Indian people.

That floppy old bag of money
is gonna be dead in, like, a month.

And who's gonna comfort Jessica
and her millions of dollars?

Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger,
but I'm a gold digger digger.

So how did you and Mr. Newport meet?

Well, I was doing a ribbon
cutting at the hospital.

And he was there
because his blood doesn't work.

And we started talking.

And then I realized who he was.

Oh, my gosh.
It was love at first sight.

That sounds so romantic.

I know you've rented out this house
for a party,

but it's on the historical register
so we can't allow any changes.

I'm so sorry.

It's a little late for that,
sweetheart.

I told them
what I was doing months ago.

Where I come from there's a saying

- "what's done is done".
- That's a saying everywhere.

I've never heard it
it's a great saying.

Maybe we can limit the damage.
How much have you done?

You painted this?

Miami teal
is Nicky's favorite color.

We also replaced
some of the sconces,

got rid of the furniture,
painted these floors black.

These were
the original hardwood floors.

They were all scratched up.
I did you a favor.

I'll show you
what we did in the sitting room.

After you.
I'd hate to miss the view.

You little devil. I should just pay you
to follow me around.

If that's a job offer, I accept.

Why did you have to drill holes
in the wall?

To hang my birthday present
to Nicky.

My heavens.

Isn't there a way that you...
Oh, my.

History is important.

You can't go around
changing everything all the time

or else next thing you know
they'll be painting the White House...

Not white.

I'm so angry,
I can't think of another color.

Green.

So your department banned me
from attending games

just because I yell
"you suck" at the players.

According to the complaint,
you yelled it at five-year-old girls.

Who suck!

Why is that so hard to understand?

I thought I was having
this meeting with Ron Swanson.

I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's
currently dead.

I'm his daughter.
April Swanson.

And it's his last wish
that I have this meeting with you.

I represent the ultimate
Frisbee league.

Pawnee has an ultimate league?

Yes, and we keep running
into conflicts...

You won me over.

I will join your team.

I'm sorry, what we need...

When does practice start?
You provide the jerseys?

What color are the jerseys by the way?
What's our team name?

Are we "the lightning"?

Now, I have to tell you, I don't work
in the parks department.

- I'm a nurse.
- Seriously?

That's great news.
I have the weirdest thing on my arm.

Can you see?

Every time.

Well, thank God you haven't
torn down the gazebo yet.

Don't remind me.

The demolition people couldn't
get here until this afternoon.

I've had to look at that ugly thing
all day long.

Ugly thing?

Let me tell you a little something
about this ugly thing, ma'am.

150 years ago, an interracial couple

was married here
and slaughtered by their own families.

It's one of the most beautiful stories
in Pawnee's history.

- Why are you trying to destroy it?
- Don't tell me about Pawnee history.

The Newports made this town.

And tonight, we're gonna celebrate
my husband's 85th birthday

without this mushy,
old, pile of rot.

Your husband's a mushy,
old, pile of rot.

You were a stick in the mud
when we judged that beauty pageant

you're being a stick in the mud now!

I am not a stick in the mud!

I just want to stop a party
from happening.

I have a gazebo update so ignore
all my previous voicemails and emails.

Leslie, I haven't relieved myself
in five hours.

So if you'll excuse me.

I'm sorry, but this can't wait.
Jessica Wicks refuses...

Leslie, what the?

Councilman Howser!
Nice to see you again.

Not that I saw anything
other than your face.

And I would like to talk to you
about this gazebo thing.

- You know, the p...
- Enough of this.

Do whatever you want.
Alert the media. Call Fema.

I don't care.
Do not bother me with this again.

- Miss Knope.
- Councilman Howser.

I saw your penis.

There are eight swings
at ramsett park

and every single one of them
is broken.

Can you please just fix one of them?

Ron told me I can't
say yes to anything.

But it's such a reasonable request,

I can't just say no.

So that's a "yes"?

Are you saying "yes"?
Just say out loud "yes" or "no".

Yeah, they do look
a little bit swollen.

Just follow the pen.

Follow the pen t...

Does that hurt?

This ordinance can't go through.
Too much red tape.

- This gridlock drives me nuts.
- Tell me about it.

You're gonna have to make
an end run, you know?

Go right to the commissioner.

I hadn't thought of that.
That is a really great idea.

I'm gonna do that.

Your last resort is probably
gonna be city council.

- Good luck there.
- Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

I have no idea what I was saying.

I ask you,

is this too revealing
for a public pool?

Kindly get your groin off my desk.

So my body makes you
uncomfortable too?

I'm kind of freaking out
about this historical mansion thing.

- Can I talk to you?
- I'm actually headed right out the door.

You're going on a date with Ann?

I was gonna surprise her.
Take her to restaurant.

- Don't worry. Have a good time.
- You sure?

- How we doing?
- Pretty good.

I may have promised
a new aquatic center to somebody.

Is that a problem?

I diagnosed two melanomas.
They're both benign.

- How many more meetings?
- 20.

April was supposed to be the moat

that kept the citizen barbarians

away from Swanson castle.

Instead, she blew up the castle
and stabbed me in the face.

I hired you to do one thing.

Just one.

I don't care that you text all day

and sleep at your desk.
In fact, I encourage it.

But only because you were doing
that one thing...

Keeping this crap off my desk!

Give me five minutes
before the next one.

That guy is scary when he's angry.

Yeah, God, I know.

Hey, sorry, dude.

I don't need your sympathy.

Or yours.

I wasn't offering my sympathy.

- Thank you for meeting me here.
- Sure. What's up?

- I need you to get this word for word.
- It's a tape recorder so it will.

Gazebo?
More like "ga-zoinks-bo".

She may be a former beauty queen,

but today she's the king
of destroying history.

Could you talk normally?

Okay, fine.
Ga-zoinks-bo.

Jessica Wicks is throwing a party
for her husband, Nick Newport, sr.,

- at the Turnbill mansion tonight.
- I'm gonna stop you right there.

Nick Newport, Sr.
Is the former CEO of Sweetums.

So?

Sweetums owns the Pawnee journal.

Crap on the cob.

I will take it into consideration.

Thank God!

- That was it, right?
- No, there's one more.

Damn it to hell!

It's with me. And it's right now.
And it's about me quitting.

I quit.

I have no other choice.

This is the only rational way
I know to prevent this tragedy.

Here they come.
Throw away the key!

- Seriously?
- Yes, throw it!

- Out of the way!
- Sir, sorry, but you're a little late.

You're gonna have to turn around
'cause you're not getting in here.

My God. Tom, stop him!
Jump in front of it!

Sacrifice your tiny body!

I really thought that gate
would open in the middle.

The gazebo has been destroyed.

And the thing that bothers me
the most...

- Cut it out, Tom.
- It never gets old!

Ann and Mark are coming!

Guys, not so close.
You're gonna...

Don't go past the sensor!

Sensor.

- Sorry if I ruined your evening.
- It's totally fine.

I chained myself.

- I can see that.
- Are you okay?

Nothing's bruised but my ego

and my arm a little
from the mechanized gate.

Thanks again for letting me
take those meetings.

I've never really had a meeting before.
They're awesome.

- You're welcome.
- Have you seen April around?

She comes by at the end of the day.

You might want to check her house.

She quit on me.

What? Why?

She screwed up my entire life today.

That was one mistake.
She's perfect for you.

There's no one in the world
who's gonna do a better job for you.

Either you hire her back or I quit.

- You don't work for me.
- And I never will, sir.

Good day.

So what'd you guys
talk about at dinner?

Was it fun?
Any big decisions arrived at?

- It was fine.
- Do you need a ride home?

No, Tom's gonna take me.
You guys go on ahead.

I'm glad you're okay.
Call me.

Well, hello there.
You must be Ron Swanson.

Welcome to castle Ludgate!

- Hello, Mr. Ludgate.
- Call me Larry.

- Larry, who is it?
- It's zuzu's boss.

Rita Ludgate.

You have no idea
how nice it is to meet you.

Come in, for gosh sake.
What can I get you to drink?

Could you take
your shoes off, please?

Thank you so much.

Nothing to drink.
Thanks.

Is April around?

Zuzu, you have a guest!

I'll fetch her.
She's probably on the internet again.

I'll come with you.

You make yourself at home.

You must be April's sister.

I'm Ron.

Nice to meet you.

No offense, but I think
the normal grieving time

for gazebo destruction has passed.

Well, maybe that's not entirely
what I'm upset about.

Mark and Ann are gonna get married.

Really?

Why does that bother you?
I should be the one that's upset.

It was supposed to be me and Ann,
or me and Jessica,

or Ann and Jessica with me watching.

Every time a couple gets married,
two single people die.

I'm about to lose two good friends.

Come on.

They drove over here
and cut you down from a gate.

You don't have to worry about them
abandoning you once you get married.

Yeah, I know that.
In my brain.

- Can we go?
- I just need to go do one more thing.

Loving smiles

And smiling tears

The midnight of my heart

- Is you
- Okay, I'm sorry, everyone.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
But I need to say something.

Is that gate lady?

I know you're probably thinking

"There's that crazy gate lady
from outside back again."

And to some extent, you're right.
I am the gate lady.

But the only thing I'm crazy about
is leaving the past behind.

So I would like to apologize
and raise a glass

to change, and forgiveness,
and the future,

and Ann and Mark, and happiness,

and Nick Newport, Sr.

May all your future gazebos
live long and prosper.

Please leave.

Is it weird if I ask
to take a piece of cake with me?

- I won't.
- Go.

Why are you here?

Come back to work.

Come back.

I want you to come back.

Well, I don't want to come back.

- The end.
- I was talking to Andy about you.

And he made me realize
that I need you back at work.

- What did he say?
- Don't recall.

- Fine. I'll come back.
- Good.

I'm leaving.

Bye, Zuzu.

Bye, Duke Silver.

My mom has all your albums.

I recognized you the day we met.

Have you told anyone?

Good girl.

Excuse me.

I had a meeting
with Ron Swanson yesterday,

- but I have a little car trouble.
- Sorry, he's busy right now.

- Well, can I reschedule?
- Sure.

How about June 50th?

Do you think you could
come back today at 2:65?

- He's available then.
- What is going on?

The only other day he has open
is march-tember one-teenth.

Does that work, sir?

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