Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 20 - Summer Catalog - full transcript

Good morning.
Whoo! Swiss Family Ron-binson! That hat is dope.
Thanks, Tom.
You mind if I rock that bad Larry on my dome?
Wear it on my head? Try it on the ladies?
Be my guest.
Hi, I'm Tom. I have a raccoon on my head.
Excuse me? My friend over here was digging through your trash
and I think we may have a lot in common. I'm Tom.
Would you like to see a movie sometime?
Are you a raccoon?
Because you've been running around my hat all day...
Head all day.
Girl, you're more precious than Precious.
Uh-uh.
"Nice hat. Wanna bone?" That's you, talking to me.
No. How about, "Yes, I am a hunter, and it's you season."
Whoa, that's great. I gotta get back out there.
You know what they say, animal on the head, manimal in the bed.
Damn, girl! Your hotness killed my raccoon!
I have a raccoon hat. I'm an interesting person.
Hello!
Any luck?
Nope.
Didn't work out as well as I thought it would.
Well, better luck next time.
I tried. It just didn't seem like...
Wow. I love that hat.
Thank you, ma'am.
Hey, Ron. I have a surprise for you.
Meet me at Harvey James Park at 11:30.
- Why? - It's a surprise!
What's the surprise?
If I told you, it would ruin the surprise.
What's the surprise it would ruin?
I cannot tell you that.
Leslie, my first wife, Tammy, tried throwing me a surprise birthday party.
When I saw my friends hiding through the window,
I drove to a gas station, called the cops
and told them people had broken into my home.
I'm not big on surprises.
Okay, but you're gonna like this one.
- What is it? - I'm not telling you.
And I'm not gonna tell anybody!
Okay. I'll tell you.
We're putting together the Parks Department Summer Catalog.
And the big surprise is I am going to reunite
all the living former Parks Directors at a picnic,
record the whole thing,
and then write about it in the "Welcome Letter."
It's the biggest catalog of the year.
Think of the September issue of Vogue.
But it's more important to Pawnee.
Mainly because we don't get Vogue here.
I'm gonna move this "Yearning" ad to the centerfold.
Centerfold, always the best part. Am I right, Justin?
- Damn, they broke up six weeks ago. - Yeah.
Jerry, I need to see your softball pictures.
Here you go, Chief.
- Wow, good job. Nice work. - Whoa!
Wait a minute. Isn't that that creepy guy?
Morgan? The pedophile?
- Yeah, it is. - Oh, my God.
Oh, Jerry!
Come on! I didn't know that!
He seemed okay.
We had dinner together.
Guys, I don't know if I made it clear,
but I don't want any sex offenders in our Parks catalog.
Okay, I will Photoshop his face.
Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?
Okay, April. Enough.
Cover photo. Tom, you're up.
This catalog is basically, like, an ad for the Parks Department,
and I love ads.
I love magazine ads for flavored vodkas,
billboards for designer jeans.
I TiVo through shows to get to the ads.
I love ads.
What are we trying to do with this catalog?
We're trying to sell Pawnee on our summer classes.
How do we do that? With one perfect, captivating image.
April?
Modern life. Where are we running?
Sometimes, what we want is not always where we are.
Next slide.
Are we alone?
Is the real winter inside our hearts?
We are all struggling for definition
in a world that resists our inquiries.
Okay, this isn't gonna work for a number of reasons.
One, this is a summer catalog.
Two, that was complete gibberish.
And three, that child looks like it's abandoned.
So, basically, boo.
Next slide.
Oh, God. Weird. How did that...
That's a personal photo. That's... Shouldn't be... this must've...
You know, I gotta say,
I think that could actually work as our cover photo.
I'm cool with it, if you guys are. It's a high-res photo.
I don't know if I have time for this, guys,
so, let's just pick a good photo, okay?
What do you want, Leslie? A picture of parents pushing a kid on a swing?
Yeah. Exactly. Get me that.
Okay. I gotta go.
What is he thinking?
"Why is my cup so tiny?"
Hey. What are you doing here?
Happy six-month anniversary. I got you a gift.
It's a chicken salad sandwich.
And I don't want you to feel bad
about not getting me anything, because I would never expect...
Swiss Army Watch, mofo.
Well done. Perkins. Wow!
You like it?
Thank you so much. That's so nice.
Are you allowed to kiss me in a hospital room?
Oh, don't worry about it. He's dead.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, I'm just kidding, he's sleeping.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, our relationship is going well. Really well.
That guy really seemed dead.
Nice!
Here, catch this.
You got me in the face! Oh!
That one hurt. You've a good arm.
I know. I used to play softball in high school.
Shut up! I played baseball in high school.
- Shut up! - Yeah, that's like, the boy version of softball.
Guys, don't play with the food, okay? We need this for the picnic.
- Do we have everything? - Yes, ma'am.
Three picnic baskets, assorted cheeses, grapes, wine.
Smoked salmon?
April threw the smoked salmon on the roof.
I'm sorry.
Where's Leslie? She just texted me from your phone
and said she left her phone at home
and that I should come here immediately.
And why did I believe that?
Maybe in your heart you knew it was from me, but you came anyway.
Nope.
Tom, would you please stop texting me
that you're having a city planning emergency?
There's no such thing as a city planning emergency.
- Hi, there. - Hi.
Look at you two.
Ann Perkins, Mark Brendanawicz. "Anndanawicz."
Or "Merkins." No, "Anndanawicz."
You two should be models.
Maybe on the cover of the Parks Department Summer Catalog?
That's not the reason you called me in here, right?
'Cause I just finished a 12-hour shift. If that's the reason...
Come on, Ann. It'd be a huge favor for Leslie.
You know how important this is to her.
- Well, I am in. - Dude!
I am.
We don't have any pictures of just the two of us.
Plus, I've always said we should go on more dates with Tom.
Yeah, you have.
And thank God an opportunity presented itself.
See? Win-win.
Now, Ann, you're gonna change, right?
I guess.
Would it kill you to maybe put on some lipstick?
Do you even own lipstick?
This is probably the first time in history these four great men
have been in the same place at the same time.
It kind of makes you...
What is this?
Sweater swap! She noticed!
- You were right. - Oh, my God. Somebody's here.
Okay. Guys, just act normal.
Please? Just be like normal people.
Hello! Hi! David Moser! I'm Leslie Knope.
It is such an honor to meet you.
Right.
How long is this gonna take?
Oh, not very long. I realize, of course, you're a very busy man.
I love parks.
I don't know if that's something I've communicated before.
So, having a picnic
with all the former living Parks Department Directors...
Guess who just checked something off her bucket list?
Clarence Carrington, David Moser,
Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson,
gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park.
I think we should just take a moment
and appreciate how lucky we are.
I thought you were dead, Clarence.
No. I'm gonna outlive you, then I'm gonna nail your wife.
Screw you, you old coot.
Classic David. You're worse than Ron.
Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.
Okay! Great! Let's go!
When I say "parks," you say "department!" Parks!
Parks!
Apartment!
Oh, boy. This is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.
Can you guys run up ahead and set up the picnic?
Sure.
Oh. Where are they going with the food?
I'm starving. I only had one breakfast.
Okay, relax.
Look, what was going on back there? Why all the sniping?
Not exactly sure.
The only one I know is Michael,
and we're not exactly best friends. - Hmm.
I'm hungry.
Okay, well, don't be such a baby.
I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.
- I ate it already. - What?
I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car.
And now it's gone. And I hate everything.
Good, good, good. All right.
I think we got the boring clichéd shot that Leslie wanted.
That's it? We're done?
Not even close.
Now the real art begins.
Step one,
nail this photo shoot with an amazing, iconic image.
Step two, book some outside gigs.
Step three, have sex with a model.
Step four, step in front of the camera, become a model.
Go, yes! Keep slithering! Keep slithering!
Ann, can you give me something, anything, in the face?
What do you want me to do?
Do what Mark's doing. He's doing great!
Keep slithering!
I'm not doing anything, so...
Okay, Clarence, um, why don't you describe
the first Summer Pawnee Catalog.
I remember. That first year we offered four classes.
I actually taught Homemaking.
Women were not allowed to teach back then.
Really? I thought there were female teachers way before then.
Not in my department.
Well, times have changed.
I'm Deputy Director now,
but I'm hoping someday to be the first female director of the department.
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
Women need a lot of blood to flow through to their baby centers,
which leaves less to the brain, you see.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Sure.
I'd stay away from leadership roles, for your own safety.
No! No!
Maybe I should write a song about a picnic.
Ooh, where'd you come up with that idea?
The picnic we're having.
I already have the perfect title, Life is a Picnic.
That's good. How about Life is a Picnic with You?
Whoa! Then it could be about a girl. Or Peyton Manning!
Hmm. You wanna help me write the lyrics?
Yeah, totally.
We should grab a drink after this at Tucker's.
Yeah, I would do that. That sounds fun.
I just have to get my stuff from the office.
But that's... That'd be cool.
David, what was it exactly that called you to the Parks Department?
Well, I was in Public Works for eight years.
But the director was pretty young. Clarence was old and weak.
So, I put in for a transfer, swooped in and pushed him out.
There was no other reason you wanted the job?
No. Just the money and the pension.
The actual job's a nightmare.
I mean, who gives a crap about this crap.
Well, David, I think we've talked enough.
Mark, that's great. Bobby, great.
Ann, you look miserable! Terrible. Terrible!
Come on, Ann. What are we doing? Maxim or Good Housekeeping?
I'm not sure which one is the insult.
Hey, if there's anyone out there that's doing a photo shoot
about the dangers of eating undercooked chicken,
I can give you Ann's phone number.
Okay, let's stop for a second.
- Bobby, I love how you work. - Yay!
You can have as many juice boxes as you want.
In fact, grab me one, too. Make it an apple.
Mark, great job, you can have a juice box, too.
Ann, take a walk with me.
In a million years, I never thought you would be
the problem with this photo shoot.
Didn't you just plan this, like, two hours ago?
I just don't get it.
How could someone so hot be so bad at looking hot?
I'm sorry I'm not a professional model.
And screaming, "Make your face better!" doesn't help.
Well, I'm sorry, your face just isn't working.
And we need to do something to distract from this boring area.
Now, I didn't want to have to do this, but we may have to go nude.
Goodbye, Tom!
Fair enough. I totally understand.
But we should get one for safety.
Okay, guys. We're almost there. It's right up here.
You really shouldn't be leading us.
If you're menstruating, you'll attract bears.
Holy God. Okay.
Here we are.
Eat.
Well, it hasn't gone exactly as I've hoped.
But I got them all here and we're gonna have a beautiful picnic.
It's gonna... It's gonna be good.
Hey.
I just whizzed on a butterfly!
Well, gentlemen, as you know,
I'm working on my welcome letter for the Summer Catalog.
You should just copy the Eagleton one.
I used to just copy the Eagleton one.
Did you? I was hoping that maybe you could talk to me
a little bit about how the department has changed since you ran it.
Well, I think you've done a wonderful job maintaining the parks.
Thank you, Michael. I appreciate that.
Did you enjoy your turn at the helm?
Oh, in a way.
Pencil pushing wasn't really my thing,
but I did love the parks themselves.
- That was the best part of the job. - Oh, isn't it? I totally agree.
Well, thank goodness for you.
Yes, thank goodness for Michael.
Are you still on parole, by the way?
Oh, ha, ha. Very funny, Ron.
Yes. Yes, Ron, I am.
- What? - He smoked pot.
In the office. And in all the parks. Constantly.
In fairness to me, it was a different time.
It was the early '90s.
But also, it's ridiculous that marijuana is illegal.
Thomas Jefferson grew hemp.
Alcohol is legal, but pot isn't?
That makes sense to you, Ron?
I'm sorry, I can't hear hippies.
So, if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who would it be?
The super-old one.
Really?
Mmm-hmm. I'm an eyebrow girl.
I wanna make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.
That is really gross.
Anybody got any water?
I want water. I'm so old, I need to drink water.
Oh, stop it, stop taunting him.
I don't need your help, jailbird.
If there's any unclaimed meat or cheese, I would like to claim it.
Yeah. Like you claimed my job?
Yes. Exactly like that, in that I wanted it, and then I took it.
Okay, guys, you know what I would love?
I would love if anybody just said something positive
about, oh, I don't know, anything.
I agree. Let's just relax, smoke another J, and all calm down.
Another?
By the way, it's ridiculous that pot is illegal.
It grows in the ground!
I've planted marijuana in community gardens all over the city,
and it hasn't hurt anyone! - What?
You know, Michael? You are one
pot-loving mother pain in the rectum.
Okay, stop it! Stop it! You're all being awful, horrible men!
Uh-oh. Your little friend come to visit?
Clarence, if you mention anything about women,
or menstruation, or anything,
I'm gonna take your face and I'm gonna shove it in those brambles.
- Yes! - No! You're next, buddy.
Andy! Let's take this picture.
Come on! Get out of your seats, turds.
- What? - Line up over there.
Come on. Just please try to look human.
All right, and not so evil.
Everybody looking here. One, two, three.
Thank you so much for the wonderful memories.
- Everybody take their stuff and go. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Can we do one funny-face one?
Do you have that picture that Andy took?
Maybe I'll run it without any text.
Yeah. I tried to Photoshop it to make it look like they were happy.
It was really hard. Their mouths are so old.
God! Look at these horrible men.
You know, I don't even know if I want them in my catalog.
Would you like these men in your catalog?
Oh, my God, April. That's disgusting.
What? Look how generous they're being with each other.
And here's the "Obstruction" series.
What do you think? Amazing, right?
I call this one "The Future."
It's completely blurry.
Yes, it is, Ann.
What about the ones we took on the swing? The normal ones?
You mean the "Unhappy Wife" photos?
Oh, my God. These are even worse, somehow.
I look miserable.
You do look kind of miserable.
Now you know what I meant by, "Make your face better."
Was there something wrong, Ann?
Well, I had just gotten off a long shift. He was being really annoying.
Mark looks happy.
Just please don't use these, okay?
Let's grab some dinner.
Sure.
Hey, Ron. You want me to read you
what I have so far in my welcome letter?
Nothing. Because you and your jerk predecessors
didn't give me anything to work with.
Did you print this out?
I heard the printer going.
Yes.
You could've just handed me a blank piece of paper.
Oh! Wisdom! Finally. Thank you so much.
You can also keep the photo. Thanks for the memories.
Good God. I don't remember this.
That... That's the wrong one.
But the real one's very bad as well.
I want you to know that I'm replacing the "Welcome Letter"
with this ad for Yearning by Dennis Feinstein.
So goodbye, distilled wisdom of 50 years of experience.
Hello, disgusting fragrance flap.
Let me buy you dinner.
No. I insist you buy me dinner.
- Get a drink. Whatever. - Okay.
- ID. - I'm 24.
No, you're not.
Okay, I'm 25.
No old jokes, please.
ID.
It says right here you're 20.
You're not even gonna show me a fake?
Sometimes the confidence confuses people.
You're good, bro.
You know what? I think I'll just... I'm gonna...
Hey, I know another bar that always lets me in,
if you just wanna go there.
Uh... yeah, actually, I should get going home.
I have a lot of stuff to do.
So, I should go home. Clean and stuff.
But...
Yeah, okay, cool.
Yeah, I gotta go home, too. So...
All right.
See you!
Later.
- The usual, Marta. - Me, too, Marta.
You got it.
Oh, Ron, I really made love to the pooch on this one.
Screwed the pooch?
I don't like that term. It's so vulgar.
Ron!
That sucked, today. I'm sorry. There's no other way to say it.
They're a bunch of career bureaucrats.
What did you think they were gonna say to you?
"Leslie, you are the next link in a wonderful chain
"that stretches back to when our town was founded,
"and we believe in you and we support you
"and we'll be following your career.
"You are the chosen one."
Or something.
Well, okay, so, that was the problem.
No. You know what the worst part is is I wanna be Parks Director.
But every single person who was Parks Director hated their job
and hated everyone they worked with.
Are we gonna hate each other someday?
I don't think so. I think we're gonna be fine.
Anyway, the point's moot,
because you're Park Director now and you're not going anywhere
and I'm not making you go anywhere.
I'm not gonna stab you in the back or anything, so...
Maybe I should go somewhere. Maybe I should move, to Eagleton.
Oh, God, the thought of that.
Leslie, you don't have to move to Eagleton.
When I become City Manager, my job is yours.
Of course, my first act as City Manager
will be to propose eliminating the Parks Department.
Although I expect a spirited debate with Leslie.
Who knows what the future holds for me?
Maybe I'll leapfrog Ron's job and become City Manager.
Of course, my first act as City Manager
would be to double the size of the Parks Department.
Although, I do expect a fight from Ron.
But I'll win.
Mmm!
Thank you, darling.
Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?
People are idiots, Leslie.
The wait is over!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Look what's here.
We got...
"My fellow Pawneeans... Yes, it's here!
"The Parks Department's Summer Catalog has arrived
"and for the first time in 20 years, tennis is back!
"Peruse this wondrous book at your leisure
"and take advantage of everything this great town has to offer.
"Time is fleeting, my fellow Pawneeans.
"Make the most of it, while you can.
"I recently had the honor of spending an afternoon
"with every living former Parks Director,
"and they taught me a valuable lesson,
"there is nothing more important than friendship."
It's a little flowery.
Shut up.
I gotta hand it to Michael.
His water-pipe-making skills were most impressive.
I once saw him smoke pot
out of a 20-foot length of garden hose and a milk jug.
That guy made a water pipe out of a stuffed raccoon.
- No way. - No, I'm not kidding.
He made a bong out of a taxidermied raccoon?
I caught him smoking pot out of it
not three feet from where we're standing.
Oh, nice shot.
Right in Clarence's ancient junk.
In the neck!