Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 19 - Park Safety - full transcript

Okay, everybody.
Time for the hummingbird lottery.

(ALL GROANING)

Okay. You know how it works.
Write your name down on a piece of paper.

LESLIE: No, they don't
win a hummingbird.

I installed hummingbird
feeders in all the parks,

so the winner gets to
refill those feeders.

Scientifically, hummingbirds are
the world's cutest animals.

I mean, they're so small.
And they have tiny beaks.

And they only eat sugar water.
I mean, what beats that?

Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers?
Yeah. They do.

Baby monkeys in diapers
are the cutest.



Okay. Who's it going to be?

DONNA: Not me.

APRIL: Not me.
Not me. Not me.

Jerry.
Yeah!

You can stop by tomorrow
morning before work.

This is my third time
in a row.

Just a bad luck
streak, buddy.

Next time, I'm sure it will
definitely be one of us.

But it won't be me.
Because I always write...

Yeah.

Yep.

No, I always
write my own name.

But just to be safe,
I do add 20 extra "Jerry"s.

And finally, we are going to kick off the
Children's Concert Series this weekend



with a performance
by Freddy Spaghetti.

I thought Freddy
Spaghetti OD'd.

No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle.
And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

Oh.

Where is Jerry, by the way?
Why isn't he back?

How long does it take
to fill bird feeders?

Maybe he fell
into the toilet.

Remember when he
fell into the toilet?

(ALL LAUGHING)

"Oh, sorry, guys.
Sorry I'm late.

"I got confused
and took a shower,

"after I got dressed,
because I'm Jerry."

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

David Meyers, the Jewish guy
who works at City Hall,

once told me something.

A "schlemiel" is the guy who
spills soup at a fancy party.

A "schlimazel" is
the guy he spills it on.

Jerry is both the "schlemiel" and
the "schlimazel" of our office.

"And then I put my underwear on
my head instead of my butt."

Okay. Okay, guys.
That's enough.

Unless somebody
has another good one.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh. (CLEARING THROAT)

Hi, Ann.

Oh, no.

Jerry. Jerry, are you okay?
Ann, is Jerry okay?

What's wrong with your arm?
Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm.

Jerry, talk to me.
Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.

Okay. He's okay.

He's got a couple of scrapes
and a dislocated shoulder.

LESLIE: Oh!
What happened?

You guys are just
going to laugh.

Why? Did you throw
out your shoulder

trying to swing a honey pot
off your hand? (LAUGHS)

I was mugged.
Oh.

Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Jerry.

I was on my way
to the hummingbird feeders

and I was
walking Lord Sheldon.

Ew!

Is that code for some
kind of weird sex act?

Lord Sheldon is my dog.
My wife named him.

Ew!

Anyway, these kids,
they came out of nowhere,

they pinned my arm back,
they grabbed my wallet,

and they knocked
me to the ground.

How did you counter-attack?
Fist to the throat?

Did you hit him
in the beanbag?

There's no shame in attacking
a criminal's beanbag.

No, I just curled up and
laid still until they left.

Well, that's
another way to play it.

Did any of them have weird
tattoos or scars or anything?

If even one of them had a
unique scar, we got them.

I didn't get a good look.

Damn it, Jerry. Sorry.
You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

(SIGHING) I feel like
we're responsible for this.

Why? We didn't mug Jerry.

Well, why was he in the park
in the first place?

Because we tricked him into going there.
I don't see the connection.

(CLICKING TONGUE) I don't know.
This is on us. It's karma.

Wouldn't it be karma if we
were the ones that got mugged?

Yeah. That's how
pathetic Jerry is.

He can't even
get karma right.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

No, that's not funny.

Our friend got
mugged this morning.

And we will not let
that happen in vain.

He doesn't have
a black eye.

Well, frankly, the whole
department has a black eye.

This is our
wake-up call, guys.

Jerry's face
is the symbol of failure.

(LAUGHS)

Our failure to
keep the parks safe.

I have some folders.
Inside are some assignments.

And some homemade taffy.

Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.

April, I want you to check
in with our police liaison.

Donna, I need you to go to Ramsett Park.
Tom, you're with me.

So, when you say that you want me to
check in with the police liaison,

you mean hook up
with him, right?

No. Just check in with him.
Everybody dismissed.

Wait. I want to help.

LESLIE: What?

I'm going to teach everybody self-defense,
so you can defend yourselves.

We need it. Because we certainly
are a bunch of weaklings.

Especially Tom.
I am not a weakling.

Arm wrestle me right now.

Okay.

I think I'm more than
holding my own here...

Three, four, five...

Hey.

Six. Hey!
How you doing?

Not too bad.

I was just dropping off
Jerry from the hospital.

He was mugged in the park.

No. Jerry?

The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties?
I love him.

No. Jerry who works
with Leslie.

(LAUGHING) That Jerry? Yeah.

He got mugged?

Oh. Well, I mean, that's
kind of a bummer, too.

Hey, while I have you here,
what do you think of this?

Uh...

Scrotation Marks.

I don't know what you're talking
about, but my gut says no.

New band name.

Because "Mouse Rat,"
it's a great name,

but at the same time,
it sucks.

So, I think we have to change
it just one more time...

Dude, you've got
to stop doing that.

How are people going to become
fans if they literally don't know

the name of the band
they're listening to?

That is a really good point.

I always had fun with Andy.

The problem is, when you're his
girlfriend, you're also his mother,

and his maid and his nurse.

He's completely helpless.
He's like a baby in a straightjacket.

Ooh! "Baby in a Straightjacket.
" That's a good band name.

I should tell him that.

Ha-ha, guys. Really funny.
Where's the real banner?

We only had an hour.

So did I. Look what I did.

JERRY: Hey, guys.

Jerry!

Welcome back.

(ALL CHEERING)

Really. My gosh, you should not
have gone to all this trouble.

Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy.
Here you go.

Listen. Today is Jerry Day.
We'll do whatever you want to do.

Anything at all.

Honestly, what I would like to do is
just have everything go back to normal.

That sounds good to me.
Okay.

I believe you were going
to do a presentation.

Yes, sir, I was.
I will go set up.

Okay.

Remember, you guys. No jokes.
No comments. Nothing but support.

He needs a lot
of support.

Tom.

Talking about
a bra for a man.

(LESLIE LAUGHING)

Okay, seriously.
That was the last one.

So, as we know, Spring
Hunting Season is upon us.

Uh, anyway, here's the info
about the new licensing system.

Um...

Jerry? I don't...
I don't think your computer is plugged in.

I'm sorry, guys.
Just got to power up.

First thing we should have is my
graph about the season. What?

Wait a minute. No.
That is not the graph.

That's a picture from
my vacation to Muncie.

You went on a vacation and
you chose Muncie, Indiana?

Yeah. My wife and I
have a time-share.

In Muncie?

Tom, Muncie
is a lovely city.

Anyway, Hunting and Fishing
Season is winding down. Okay?

And we all know that it's already
closed season on "twout." So, now...

I said "twout"
instead of "trout."

It happens to everyone.

My marbles are full of mouth today.
(CHUCKLES).

You know what?
Has anybody seen my glasses?

I don't even think I can...

(FARTING)

It says here "1:00 meeting.
" And who are we meeting with?

Don't worry about it.

Oh, no. Please, no.

Tom, it's important to meet
with the Park Rangers.

They are the first
line of defense.

Leslie Knope!

Hey, Carl.
What's up, pencil pushers?

Haverford.
Good to see you, man.

(CHORTLING)

Is it hot in here? I feel hot.
Are you guys hot?

How you guys doing? I'm good.
You guys got any snacks?

Carl is the head
of all outdoor security.

Why was he transferred from
his indoor desk job, you ask.

Listen.

(CARL YELLING) Hey, Leslie. Have you seen Avatar?
I never saw Avatar.

I wanted to read
the book first,

but then I realized there's no
book version of Avatar.

What did you guys do
for St. Patty's Day?

I was wearing this t-shirt that
said "Kiss me, I'm Irish."

But no one would kiss me.

So. You're too important for me until
one of your own gets attacked.

I just feel like there's more we
can do to keep the parks safe.

Oh, you think you know
how to do my job?

Well, you might not be so confident once
you've walked a mile in my size sevens.

Kind of small feet.

Actually, seven is
the worldwide average.

Boom!

(GRUNTS)

Welcome to the emergency
self-defense class.

I'll be showing you how to escape
from a variety of situations,

while inflicting maximum
damage on your attackers.

Ron, do you think that maybe I
should put Mark in a headlock?

That way, I can show everyone
how to escape a pervert?

In the scenario you just laid
out, you're the pervert.

You understand that,
right?

(SCOFFS) You wish.
Enough.

I'm going to start off
simple, and demonstrate

how to extract oneself
from a wrist grab.

Andy. Ann. Step up here.

ANN: I watch a lot of Lifetime movies.
There was this one,

How Far is Too Far Enough: The
Teri Palliber Lonergan Story.

This woman had agoraphobia and her
therapist was obsessed with her,

and he hid in her house.

And then he attacked her
and tried to eat her toes.

Also, her daughter was
having sex way too young.

So, yeah. Free self-defense class?
I'm there.

And then just twist away.
(YELLING)

Very good.
Very good. Well done.

Oh! What's up now, mugger?

Ann, that was awesome.
That was really good.

JERRY: I don't know, Leslie.
I'd rather be back at the office.

I know this is painful for you,
Jerry, but you have to be strong.

(YELLING)
You guys ready?

Oh, boy. Yeah, okay.
We're ready.

I'm going to show you guys all
the problems we've been facing.

I'm going to show you that we've
been doing everything we can.

Well, I'm looking forward
to working together, Carl.

And after that, I'm going to
show you this log I found.

It's got, like, fifty worms on it.
I call it "worm log."

Yeah, I've always been
a bit of an outdoorsman.

When I was a kid,
my parents used to

make me hang out in
the backyard a lot

and just run around
until I got tired.

But if there's any criminals out
there watching, I never get tired.

And ladies, too.

This thing is a mess.

We used to have
three carts, actually.

The first one got pushed
into the creek by some kids.

The second one, raccoons got onto.
There was urine everywhere.

And the third one
was recently stolen.

What's this one?
This is the second one.

The raccoon piss one.

All right. So we're
going to just head out.

(CAR CREAKING)

Oh, no. You know what?
I think we've got too much weight.

Oh.

That's Tom, probably.

Are you serious?

Tom, can you
get off, please?

Just run alongside
the cart, okay?

CARL: Okay. Here we go.

Whoa!

CARL: So, I want to tell you
a little bit about the park.

Up here on the left is one of our
most beautiful grass fields.

It's primarily grass.
All right, I'm going to make a hard left here.

Stick with us, Tom.

Okay. Lesson learned.
Thank you. Next. Andy.

Impressive. I'm going to
engage Andy in an attack hold,

and he's going to
try and break free.

Cool. Now, I don't
want to hurt you, Ron.

Don't worry about that.
Just try to escape my attack.

Now, when I get out, am I
allowed to counter-strike?

Sure. When you get out,
you may counter-attack.

But just promise
me you'll be ready,

because, I mean, I don't
want to destroy you.

Okay. I see where
we're going with this...

(GRUNTING)

Now, when your arms are pinned to your
sides, use your legs to break free,

instead of your neck, which
is what Andy is trying to do.

Okay, hold up.
Get off!

Let him go.

Andy.

Oh, God.
Oops.

CARL: Any of this
looking familiar?

Yeah. It happened
right over there.

Oh, yeah. I'm not surprised.
Take a look at this path.

With budget cuts, we can't
afford a single safety light.

There's been 10 assaults
already this year.

Wow. Really?

Can't you station
a Park Ranger out here?

We have! Who do you think
they're assaulting?

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell.

One way or another, I'm going to get
money so you can protect Jerry,

and all the other helpless,
pathetic people in this town.

(PANTING)

You guys have
got to slow down.

Can I just take
a rest for a minute?

No, Tom. Sorry.
No can do.

Sun's going down and it's
real dangerous out here.

Let's roll, Carl.
Okay. Going fast.

(SIGHING)

Okay, what day
is it today?

I don't know.

Okay, but to be fair,
you never know.

That's kind of true.

I'm super bad at days.
But honestly, I'm fine.

Sorry I squeezed your
lights out there, son.

No worries. Will you show me
how to do that move, though?

Sure. I can teach
you right now...

No, no, no. Andy, you should
really just take it easy, I think.

Do you want some more water?
Or maybe some pancakes?

No. No, I'm fine.
Thank you.

What is the first
move in any fight?

Punch to the balls.

We've all heard
the old saying.

"Parks are
supposed to be fun."

But sometimes, muggers
have their own ideas.

Leslie Knope is with us again
from the Parks Department.

Leslie, tell us your story.

This is my co-worker,
Jerry Gergich.

Diabetic. Sloppily
out of shape. Friend.

He was mugged this
morning in Ramsett Park.

Who's next? Your frumpy uncle?
Your simple neighbor?

Your unpopular co-worker?

Head of security,
Carl Lorthner,

is doing his best
to keep the parks safe,

but he's failing.

So, what is the solution
to fix this?

To make it right.
And not bad.

We need money from City Hall.
And it's not coming through.

And Pawnee,
I am sorry to say this,

but your government
is failing you.

Up next, 10 objects
you didn't know you can eat.

What possessed
you to do that?

I'm sorry, Paul, but one of my
guys got mugged in the park.

I don't care
how upset you are.

You do not badmouth
your own government on TV.

I'm sure you'll be happy to
know your little stunt worked.

The Mayor is going to divert $2500
to the Parks for security upgrades.

There's going to
be an announcement

tomorrow at 10:00
in the press room.

So... Make sure you bring the
doofus who got his ass kicked.

I don't know who
you're referring to.

We treat everyone
with respect around here.

Okay.

(CLEARING THROAT) Good morning.
As many of you know,

there was an incident involving a
government employee in Ramsett Park.

Jerry, are you nervous?

Just talk about how hard it was for you.
Speak from the heart.

You'll be fine.

Leslie? I wasn't mugged.

PAUL: safety of
our citizens.

That's why we're here today
to give Pawnee...

Jerry? Why don't
you step on up here?

(STUTTERING) No, I will.

Get up here.
I'm going to speak for Jerry.

He can't talk right now because he
has hysterical muteness from trauma.

Correct.

Jerry.

What about this? Is this fake?
Huh? Is this fake?

This is real. I really
dislocated my shoulder.

Were you even in
the park yesterday?

Look, I was on my way
to feed the hummingbirds,

and I stopped
for a breakfast burrito.

The farting.
Yeah.

And Lord Sheldon...
He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito,

and it landed on
a log in the creek.

So, I go to reach for it,
I lose my balance,

and I fall on my shoulder
really weird.

Well, why didn't you just
tell everybody the truth?

Are you kidding me?
Imagine what Tom would have said.

Damn, Jerry!
You jumped in a creek for a burrito?

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Kill your wife?

Block the opponent's punch
and counter-punch to the jaw.

(EXHALING)

Shoeshine?

Hey.

Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins,
in the "shoe-shouse."

(CHUCKLES)

I wanted to check in.
I brought some stuff from the hospital.

Water, a compress, aspirin, some
lollipops, I know you love those.

Ann, you know, thank you.
But really, I'm feeling great.

I took a couple of aspirin and
slept right through the night.

And... Hold on a second.
Ludgate. What the hell?

I got you one of those veggie
muffins that you're always eating.

Score.

Yeah. It tastes like a rug.

Shut up.
(GRUNTS) Don't hit me.

Good. Well, I'm glad
you're feeling better.

I am.
Thank you for that.

That's so cool.

Since when did he start
doing stuff for other people?

Now, I actually am worried that
something happened to his brain.

People change, I guess...

Wouldn't you rather the money
go to keeping the parks safe?

Yes, but now, we have the
money under false pretenses.

I actually think that you have a
bigger problem than the money.

What?

There is someone
in your department

who is willing to lie
about being mugged,

because he's afraid
of his co-workers.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Knope. Yep. No.

Carl. What are you doing?

Oh, Leslie.

Well, since you decided to drag
my name through the mud on TV,

I figured why not
return the favor.

Carl, could you quietly
quiet down for a second,

and please tell me what is going on, quietly?
Okay? In a quiet voice.

(YELLING) A citizen handed in
a very interesting home video

that I think the people of Pawnee
will find very interesting.

Take a peek at this.

(FARTING SOUND)

Keep your eyes on the creek.

There he is.
This is my favorite part.

Not willing to
share with a dog.

So, it would appear that Park
Security was not to blame after all.

Okay, look. I have
a proposition for you.

Fine. I'll have sex with you
in exchange for the tape.

That's not what
I am saying. Okay?

Just listen to
what I have to say.

The Ramsett Park mugging story
continues with a shiny new twist.

Ranger Carl Lorthner
is here today.

Now, I understand

that you have a bombshell to drop
that you are just sitting on.

Yes, that's correct.

I came on today
because I have some

very important
information to share.

I finally saw Avatar and I
thought it lived up to the hype.

Well, I'm not sure what that
has to do with the mugging.

Uh... Leslie.
Counterpoint.

I disagree with Carl.
Okay.

I have seen Avatar as well,
and I think it exceeded the hype.

What?

Oh boy, we...

Disagreement.

Well, things are really heating
up in here, aren't they?

We should probably
take some calls.

That segment was a disaster.
Don't you ever (BLEEP) me like that again.

This is Pawnee (BLEEP) Today.

Do you know
that I bumped a cat

that can stand up on
its hinders for you?

You disgust me, Knope.
Get out of my sight.

Yes, ma'am.
Go.

Go on. Oh, no, no, no.
Don't make me chase you.

You want to
go eat something?

Okay.

I am part of a great team.

And sometimes, the best way
to maintain a strong team

is just by
letting someone know

that he is
still a part of it.

This is the only copy,
and I am going to destroy it.

Right after I watch it
one more time.

I'm sorry,
but it is so good.

APRIL: Hey, Jerry.
Hmm.

I got you a peppermint latte.

Seriously? My goodness.
I love a peppermint...

I know.

Oh, geez. Go ahead.

We should just directly apply
the food to your clothes.

(LAUGHING)

(CHEERING) Making fun
of Jerry is back!

JERRY: They can laugh
at me all they want.

Because two more years until I retire
with full benefits and pension.

And the wife and I, we have bought
a little cottage on a lake.

And I am going to get myself
a stack of mystery novels,

a box of cigars, and I am going
to sit back and enjoy my life.

Hey, Jerry?

April was just double-checking
the lunch order.

Do you want the salmon
or the "twout"?

BOTH: Twout! Twout!
Twout! Twout!