Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Possum - full transcript

Ann Perkins.
What's happening, sweetheart?

Just waiting for April.

She's taking care of my
house while I'm away, so...

(CHUCKLES) That's great.
Happy belated Valentine's Day.

Valentine's day was a month ago.

Why are you giving it to me now?

Whatever. Happy
early valentine's day.

I saw this and I thought of you.

Hope you keep that
somewhere special.

Okay, this is one of those
nanny cam teddy bears, isn't it?

What? No!



It's a regular
camera-less teddy bear.

Just put it in your droom,
don't even think about it.

[scoffs]

It's a robot bear.
It's programmed to snuggle.

I'll take it.

Donna, there's a camera in it.

I know.

[triumphant music]

All right, that's basically it.

Water the plants, get the mail--

Can I read your mail?

No, please don't.

Fine.

Oh, and, um...



Here are the keys, and remember--

I know, don't let
tom make a copy.

That's right, good.

I'm paying April 50 bucks to
watch my house while I'm away.

I would have asked leslie,

But I've seen the way she
takes care of her house.

Plus, there's always been

A little distance
between me and April.

And I thought this would maybe,
I don't know,

Give us a chance to
get a little closer,

Maybe even--

I don't like ann.

Become friends.

Who knows?

Leslie, this is evelyn rowshlind

From the mayor's office.

Oh, hello,
I've always dreamed of you.

- Excuse me?
- Meeting you.

What can I do for you? Have a seat.

- Uh, I prefer to stand.
- Okay.

I have kind of an
odd favor to ask.

Mayor gunderson was
playing golf last week

At pawnee municipal,
and he brought his dog--

Rufus.

We all know rufus.
Everybody loves rufus.

He's a great dog. Continue.

Well, uh, they were
out on the sixth hole

When suddenly, out of nowhere--

Rufus was bitten by a possum?

Yes, how did you know that?

[sigh] it was fairway frank.

Fairway frank is this awful possum

Who lives near the sixth hole
of the public golf course.

And he's actually number three
on the parks department's

Most wanted pests list.

Right behind the bats who like
to poop on the bell tower,

And poopy, the raccoon who poops

All over the high school cafeteria.

Shouldn't you take this
up with animal control?

Let's be honest,
animal control is not

The most effective
branch of our government.

They're a bunch of
burned-out morons.

Well, you have the reputation

As a person who gets things done.

So we'd like you to form
a little task force,

Find the animal, and t it down.

Task force?

Needless to say,

The mayor will be very
grateful for your help.

Ma'am, the next time we speak,

We shall be dancing on
the grave of a possum.

Great.

Ron will show you around.

Um, right this way is the exit.

Yo, police.

Ah, ha ha, no, you're not.

Coffee? [gasp]

Yup.

You always know what to bring me.

I only ever bring you coffee.

And it is my very favorite
non-alcoholic hot drink,

Except for hot tea.

And hot orange juice,
weirdly delicious.

Anyways, thank you so much.
I needed it.

I got a really bad case
of shoe shine head today.

Andy recently diagnosed himself

With what he calls "
shoe shine head."

It's when you shine too many shoes

And the fumes create

A thunderstorm in your brain.

Cures include coffee,
cheeseburgers,

And napping on the floor.

Mark brendanawicz.

Hey, ron. What's up?

I have a wood shop

And I'm planning a
little expansion.

Need my buddy mark,
the city planner,

To sign off on the plans.

Sure, I just need to
schedule an inspection.

That's not really necessary.

Yes, it is, but you'll be fine

As long as you don't
have any code violations.

You don't have any code
violations, do you?

Nope.

[kcking on door]

Eugene!

Boy, we have a really
important job for you.

We'll get to it
first thing Monday.

Today's Wednesday.

Look, this is not a request.

We're acting under direct orders

From mayor gunderson's dog.

Office.

I need your two
best guys to join me

And be part of my task force.

That would be harris and brett.

But they're not here.

Isn't that them there?

Nope.

Hey, brett.

- Yeah.
- Dude!

Listen, that stupid possum
is on the golf course again.

Would you rather I
capture it myself

And then just call you so
you can come and pick it up?

Okay.

[sighs]

Hey, guys.

Aw, cool! Hey,
you want your ball back?

Want your ball back? Come with me.

Aw, man.

How you know my name, homie?

- Stop, man.
- Stop hanging yourself.

I'm gonna hang yourself.

Stop hanging yourself.

Quite a crack team
you've assembled, leslie.

Yeah, well there's five
of us and only one possum.

How hard can it be?

Excuse us,
task force coming through.

Task force clear, resume golfing.

I used to love tiger woods

Because he was a great champion.

But after that sex scandal,
the man is a god.

[knocking on door]

Hey, mark. Welcome to my haven.

Thank you.

You're the first
non-me to set foot

In this building in ten years.

Um, ron, none of
this is up to code.

Sure it is.
It's up to the swanson code.

There's no drainage,

Doesn't seem to be any ventilation,

You've got hazardous
chemicals over here.

Yeah, which only I am breathing.

It's the same liberty that gives me

The right to fart in my own car.

Are you gonna tell a man

That he can't fart in his own car?

There is a basket
of oil-soaked rags

Above a wood burning stove.

Oh, good thing I've
got a fire extinguisher.

Which, I can assure you,

Is totally up to
your precious code.

Um, this says it should
be recharged June of 1996.

Those dates are arbitrary.

They're like those expiration
dates that t government

Forces companies to put
on yogurt and medicine.

Observe. Watch yourself.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll replace this.

Happy?

How long do you think

It would take me to
learn golf, leslie?

I could teach you.
I have a 16 handicap.

But you know,
it takes a lot of practice.

You have to get up early,
hit the range,

Practice reading greens.

See, I don't wanna do all that.

I think I just want some
of those dope pants.

[gasps] oh my god!

Oh, my god, it's fairway frank!

Wow, okay, um... All right, tom?

I want you to very slowly--

25, 26, 27, 28 violations.

Come on, brendanawicz. Relax.

Let me make you a canoe.

Uh, well,
I don't need a canoe, ron.

I need you to fix this place up.

So... I'll give you 24 hours.

Okay, we may only get one
chance to catch this thing,

So we have to play it smart.

You two flank the left,
I'll flank the right,

Andy will come in through--

[screaming]

Andy! - I got it.

Oh, my--

Ha ha! I got him.

Task force! Engage!

- He's got it.
- I got him.

He's good.

Come on, you cowards!

Lemme see his face.
Lemme see his face.

It's him! It's him, we got him!

It's okay. He's on my neck.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay!
- He's on my neck.

It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right.

- He's on my neck.
- All right, it's okay.

You're next, poopy.

Very impressive, leslie.

Aw, thank you.
I had a great task force.

I was just the simple mastermind

Who planned the whole operation

And executed it to perfection.

This is andy dwyer.
He actually caught the thing.

- Mr. Dwyer--
- please...

My friends call me andy radical.

No, we don't.

By day, andy dwyer,
shoeshine-ist.

By different time of day,
andy radical, possum tackler.

And by night...

I do whatever I want, no job.

We think that this is
a great p.R. Opportunity

So we've arranged for a
reporter from the journal

To stop by to interview,
get some pictures of the team.

Task force. Great.

And next time you
need a special favor

From the mayor's office,
give me a call.

Oh, my god, I will.
I need so many special favors.

Which one should I choose?

Well, you don't
have to choose right--

How about an extra recycling can?

No.

Laminated bus pass? No.

What time do you
usually go to sleep?

'cause my best ideas
usually come to me at nit.

Let's stick to
business hours, shall we?

Yeah, all right.

See you in hell, buddy.

Am I sure the possum we
caught is fairway frank?

Yes.

Am I quite sure? No.

Am I sure enough? Maybe.

If it wasn't fairway frank,
would I feel badly?

Of course.

Could I live with myself?

That depends.

As a city official it's important

That I ask myself a
lot of questions.

Does doing so help
me make decisions

Uh...

- Oh, hey, shauna.
- Hi, leslie.

Hi!

Andy, you remember
shauna malwae-tweep

From the pawnee journal.

How could I forget?

You wrote the article
when I fell in the pit.

And then afterwards

Had sex with Mark,

And everyone talked about it.

So you're on the golf course,
and you see fairway frank.

Well, we see a possum that
we believe to be fairway frank.

So for right now,
let's just refer to it as

A possum.

Let me explain
something to you, tweep.

When you're in a situation,

You don't have time to think.

So I thought to myself,

"don't think, andy. Act."

So you weren't thinking.

Not at all.

I cannot emphasize enough
how little I was thinking.

Were you scared?

No, no, I wasn't.

Well, I, uh, I lived in the pit

For the better part of last year

And made some vermin friends.

Um, you know what?
Friends sounds stupid.

Colleagues.

Uh, they are bad at sharing,

But they are good at tag.

Well, your family
must bvery proud.

What does your girlfriend think?

Uh, the nurse?

Uh, I broke up with ann.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

Shortly after she kicked me out

And told me we wouldn't
be togeer anymore.

Well, maybe this article
will change her mind.

What now?

I hadn't even thought of that.

[chuckles] wow.

Of all the things I thought
would bring us back together,

Catching a possum was
never on that list.

Well, let's go take some
pictures of fairway frank.

Of the possum.

Seriously, man,
when you wear these clothes,

You just feel better
than everyone else.

You know? - Yeah.

[knocking] busy?

No, what's up?

Ju wanted to tell you,

I understand that city codes exist

And I know why they exist.

And I understand that
you enforce them.

Okay.

Okay, good talk.

Can you sign off on my plans now?

Did you get
everything up to code?

- Yup.
- No, you didn't.

You clearly didn't.

It's my property, my land,

My shop!

Ooh, tummy needs a banana,
you guys good?

Ron, you're asking me to
do a bad job, at my job,

And I'm just not gonna do that.

So if you don't mind,

Would you please just
get out of my office?

Ooh, silly me,
there was this little

Pom-pom on my glove
and it fell off.

Have you seen it?

Could you help me look
for it real quick?

It should be on the
ground somewhere

Where I was puttin' it up.

Let's see.

So how's your hole?

Excuse me?

The pit. Lot 48?

Oh, we're making really
good progress on the park.

In fact, there may be some big
news on that front coming soon.

All because of this very
important business card.

So this isn't really
a big story, right?

Nobody cares about this very much.

Well, fairway frank did
bite the mayor's dog,

So this could be on the front page.

* fairway frank,
you're gonna die *

* you're gonna fry, oh, yeah *

* you guilty son-of-a-bitch *

* you're gonna fry when
they flip that switch *

Hey, April, can I talk to you

About this situation
with the possum?

No.

Okay, hypothetically,
if you were going on a mission

To, say, catch a guilty whale.

And while you were
catching the whale

You saw something else that
may also be another whale,

And you were like, "what?"

But then you thought,
maybe it's not a whale?

Maybe it's a big fish.

Maybe it's a submarine
with a face painted on it.

The point is,

If I kill the first whale,

Am I technically a murderer?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I saw a second possum.

There was another possum.

Wait, andy's in there
talking to a reporter,

Literally kissing his own biceps.

You're telling me he
might not be a hero,

But just some jerk

That goes around
tackling random possums?

No, I've gotta help
leslie find the truth.

Not because I'm pissed at andy,
which I'm not.

Because I care so
deeply about possums.

'cause they're so adorable.

April, did you
see my photo shoot?

I think I nailed it.

I fell off the stool once when
I was trying to look serious.

But I'm okay.

That's cool, um,
I'm really happy for you.

You are?

Man, our happy reactions
are super different.

So, uh, he said he's gonna email me

The photos in, like, six hours.

You wanna wait with me?

Um, yeah, that sounds good,

But I can't because I have to go

Do something that actually matters.

Fairway frank's been haunting

The sixth hole for a while now.

You must know him pretty well.

I sure do.

I've chased that little sucker off

More times than I can count.

Can you just take a
look at these photos

And make sure that
it's fairway frank?

Yup, that's him.

Mr. Campopiano, those are photos

Of three different possums.

Huh.

You guys want something to drink?

Hey, boss, there's a possum

Wandering around on the 14th green.

Should I call animal control again?

Yup.

Oh, my god, those idiots
are here from animal control.

They're gonna take it away.

Okay, we need a
little bit more time

To figure out the truth.

Look, I have an idea.

I'm gonna distract everybody,

And then you get that
possum out of here.

Can you do that, April?

April, can you do that?

Can you get the possum out of here?

Can you sneak it out of here?

April, can you do it?
Can you do it?

Please, April,
tell me you can do this.

Yes, yes, I can do it. God.

I can't kill the possum
because it might be innocent.

I can't let the possum go
because it might be guilty.

Can't make a good soup,
can't do a handstand in a pool,

Can't spell the word "lieutenant."

There's a lot of "can'ts"
in my life right now.

Let's make it happen, captain.

[harris and brett
chatter indistinctly]

Help, help, my arm
looks like it's bleeding.

Holy cow--leslie!

Oh, boy, oh,
look how much it's bleeding.

Everybody look at it.

Everybody look over here.

I need everyone's full
attention during this--

There's a lot of blood.

It is, it's so--

It's ketchup.

Is it?

Yes.

- Jerry, jerry.
- It's ketchup.

Do you know them?

What do you mean,
that fairway frank is not here?

Here's the thing, evelyn.

We're not sure that the possum

We caught is, in fact,
fairway frank.

Leslie, whoever it is,
it's a possum.

And the sooner it's dead,
the sooner the mayor

Can do what he wants with it.

Does he want to have
sex with a dead possum?

- No!
- No.

He's not a monster.

He wants to stuff it and
hang it above the urinal

In his office bathroom so
that little flecks of pee

Can get on it forever.

Eww.

Now, leslie, you did a great job.

And the mayor knows that
you did a great job.

Now where is the possum?

I'm sorry but he's somewhere.
You'll never find it.

And he's gonna stay there
until the truth comes out.

And I will not reveal his location,

No matter how much you ask me.

But I'm gonna stop talking
now 'cause I'm afraid

I may accidentally say where it is.

So please go.

This is interesting.

They put down a raccoon

That bit a jogger in a
park in staten island.

Wow.

And in walnut creek, california,

They put down a
duck that bit a kid.

But security footage later revealed

That it was actually a goose.

- That's great.
- No, it's awful, tom.

How would you feel if you
killed an innocent duck

And let a vicious
goose waddle free?

[phone ringing]

- Tom haverford.
- Tom, it's April.

I'm at ann's house and
the possum's loose, okay?

I need your help.

Oh, my god, it's
chewing on everything!

Don't tell leslie!

You got it.

Possum got loose at ann's house.

Oh, my god.

April! April, it's leslie knope

From the parks department!

Stop ringing the doorbell.
It's making him mad!

[knocking]

Oh!

Oh, my god, how did this happen?

I let it out of its cage
because it needed water

And I thought it would just
drink out of the toilet

Or something, but then it ran off

And I couldn't get it back in.

He did that too.

Oh...Oh boy.

Yeah, and then I
opened all the doors

'cause I thought it
would just go outside,

But it won't leave the house.

It must love tacky
pictures of flowers.

Okay, okay, okay,
I'm gonna fix this.

Um, let me just think for a second.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

Where is it? I can't see it!

No! Okay, where did it go?

- I don't know!
- Um, here's what we do.

We just go outside, all right?

Let's just go outside--

[screaming] - get in here!

[lengthy groan]

[knock on door]

I haven't even started yet.

I know.

I thought you could use some help.

Those city planning guys can
be real pains in the ass.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Okay.

I just want you to know

That I still don't
think city codes--

Ron, shut up, would you please?

I'm taking a half day off
to come and help you out

Because you're my friend.

So just shut up.

No, I'm bringing my workshop
up to the swanson code.

And if the swanson
code happens to overlap

With the city government code--

Shut up!

I know there's a door there,
but I kind of feel like

It's gonna chew through the door

And come and jump on
my face and bite me.

- Eww, I know.
- What if it's in here?

What if it laid eggs in the bed?

[both scream]

Okay, there are no eggs.

We should have killed it,

It's so huge. I'm gonna call andy.

- No.
- Yeah.

He tackled it once before.

He can do it again.

No, please don't, okay?

He's gonna be pissed at me.

I already ruined his big day,
and it's my fault

That it's in ann's house,
who he's obviously

Still in love with.

I just--

I don't want him to
be mad at me, okay?

Oh, April. He'll forgive you.

You think so?

Yeah. I--

We don't have to call andy.

We can just call animal control.

Okay.

And, April, anytime you
want to talk about boys--

Oh my god, stop. [both scream]

[phone ringing]

Yo.

So I feel like you were
mad at me yesterday,

And I don't know why.

So I made a list
of everything I did

And I'm gonna try not
to do any of them again.

Also, I got you this coffee.

And then there's this.

Fourth paragraph down.

"but dwyer had some help
catching the possum.

"'I wouldn't have been able to
do it without an early morning

"'caffeine boost from the
amazing April ludgate.

"'she gave me the
liquid courage I needed

To wrestle that beast
to the ground.'"

Well, ms. Knope, I have to say

I'm very disappointed.

You didn't have to say that.

You could have just thought it.

What'd you do with
the possum exactly?

Well, I'm proud to
say that it's somewhere

The mayor can never pee on it.

It's okay, honestly.

I mean, look, when I retire,

And I'm attending some gala

Honoring the first three
female presidents in history--

Myself, and two other
women I've inspired--

I wanna be looking back at
my distinguished legacy,

And not thinking that I owe
my career to some possum.

And I wanna be wearing a huge,
beautiful blue hat.

- Thank you so much.
- Sure.

It made me feel so happy
that I knew somebody was here

Taking care of my house.

Cool.

So did the neighbors
give you any problems?

- No.
- Anything in--

Possum. There was a possum.

We captured a possum and we
brought it into your house

And it got out and it might
have laid eggs in your bed.

What?

And it went into your
laundry and your kitchen

And it touched all your bras,
and I'm so sorry.

It's our fault, we captured it,
and it got out

And it ran around
and it was a possum.

Okay, April-- run! Run, April!

Sorry, ann! I love you!

I'm gonna go.

I think that would be best.