Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 17 - Woman of the Year - full transcript

LISA: Are you kidding?
"I was here first"? Get lost!

We were here first.

But we're scheduled for
this time on this field.

Okay, this is no way for adults
to act in front of children.

You're not only coaches,
you're also role models.

(SCOFFS) I would hardly call
what he does coaching.

Wow. Excellent
role modeling.

Apparently, the girls' team
does not have

a field assigned
to them for practice,

but the boys' team does.

No. Not on my watch.



Every child has
the right to play,

no matter
how boring the sport.

Okay. Could you just share the field
with the girls today, please?

I'm the girls' coach.
She's the boys' coach.

Oh. Okay. Sorry.

That's sexist.

No, it's not.
Yeah. It kind of is.

Okay, why don't the boys
take the field today.

And then I will make
sure that the girls get

a place to practice
by the end of the week.

And that, little lady,
is a Leslie Knope promise!

I'm a boy.

Good. Yeah.
'Cause I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to you.
You're a girl, right?



Yeah.

Yeah. She.

Mail's here.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey.
Now what?

Jerry! You got soup all over our mail!
You jerk.

Oh, my God. It's an envelope
from the IOW Awards Office!

Nobody freak out!

Do you know what this means?

I am Pawnee's
Woman of the Year!

The IOW is the Indiana
Organization of Women.

I have been a dues-paying
member since I was nine.

And every year,
they choose one woman

to win the Dorothy Everton
Smythe Female Empowerment Award.

Winning is
every girl's dream.

But it's my destiny.
And my dream.

Can you read it, please?
Where are my ladies at?

Here we go.

"The IOW is proud to announce this
year's Dorothy Everton Smythe

"Female Empowerment Award
Winner, Ronald Swanson."

Ha-ha.
Okay, pretty funny.

It says Ronald Swanson.

What? No, no.
No, it doesn't.

I... That... No.
That... What?

They only honor women.

And Ron's the
opposite of a woman.

What's going on?

You're Pawnee's Woman of
the Year, it looks like.

Well, it's about time.

(ALL LAUGHING)
No, no, no.

They've obviously made
some sort of mistake.

Bully for me!

Congratulations, Ron.
Yeah, congratulations.

Congrats.
That's awesome.

JERRY: It's very exciting.

Awards are stupid,

which is why I fully intend
to decline this nonsense,

and recommend it go to Leslie because
she works really hard, and I don't.

However, she cares way too
much about crap like this,

which is why I can't pass up this
opportunity to tease her about it.

Well, we can't stand around
all day congratulating me

on receiving an award from some
lousy women's organization.

Back to work, everyone.

Hey, Freddy. Good news!
Your liquor license renewal got got, yo.

What do you mean by that?

I got you temporary approval
from the liquor board

pending full-board authorization
and council review.

Got got.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

No worries. You know the Snakehole's
my favorite Pawnee hot spot.

I want to open up
my own club one day.

Maybe call it something
like Club-a-Dub-Dub

or The Clubmarine, sort of
a submarine-themed club.

Or Tom's Bistro.
The word "bistro" is classy as (BLEEP).

Tom, we are looking for a few
top-quality guys like yourself

to become part-owners.

A guy like you, with your
political connections,

I think you'd make
a great asset.

I agree. That's why I got into
public service. To help me.

All right. $10,000 a share.
I need the money by Friday.

$10,000.
That's chump change.

I will see you
Friday with $10,000.

All right, partner.

I just don't get why the IOW
would give that award to Ron.

Yeah, it's a bummer.

One, he's not a woman.

And two, they mentioned the Camp
Athena project in that letter.

That's my project. I started that.
It was my brainchild.

Why would Ron start a camp
for troubled girls?

He wouldn't?
Exactly.

I deserve that award. That award is mine.
Not his. It's mine.

You know what you should do?

I know,
I already started a list.

"Write an e-mail
to Barack Obama.

"Lock myself in my office and
scream until I lose my voice."

That's all I have so far.

I was gonna suggest maybe you
just go and talk to him.

You're only gonna get more
resentful if you don't.

Hmm.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Ann. How...

Ann.

I have so much I need
to tell you right now.

Hey, Ann. Leslie would like
to talk to you for a moment.

Is that all right? Good.

Jean-Ralphio.

Big T! What it do, nephew?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Jean-Ralphio, I have a hot
investment opportunity

that you are gonna
wanna jump all over.

Hit me with it, daddy.

The Snakehole Lounge...

Heard of it.

Is looking
for investors.

No way. Yesterday,
if you would have asked me,

I would've said no,
but thank God,

my grandfather
just died, so I am

(SINGING)
a- flush with cash!

Awesome. I have 4,000 bucks.
All I need you to do is kick in six G's.

Six G's.

And then you and
I are part-owners

of the hottest
nightclub in Pawnee.

Also, sorry about
your grandpa.

No worries. He was a dick.
Here's the thing.

I can kick in five G's.
That should be enough, right?

No, it's not enough.
I just said I need six G's.

What about
your trust fund?

My parents
had it amended.

I don't get anything until
I'm 50, which is a waste,

'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire
in Costa Rica by then,

eating dolphins and hanging
out with lady singers.

It's not a huge deal. Just sit tight.
I'll take care of it.

You wanna come home with me?

Don't you work
at Lady Foot Locker?

Look, if you're not
gonna pay rent,

at least clean up
your dishes.

(GROANS)

Is that all?

No. Also,
The Bag of Smells

was a fun experiment,
but it has to stop.

Come on! No. We're finally
starting to get serious results.

Andy, dude, I love you,
but shape up or move out.

What's going on?
The guitarist from my band

is driving me crazy.
He's such a control freak.

"That's not
a working fireplace, Andy."

"Stop writing phone messages
on the wall, Andy."

"Dude, seriously,
I love you

"but stop digging that weird
hole in the backyard."

Is Mouse Rat
gonna break up?

Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore.
We changed it to Tackleshaft.

Oh.

I should just
get my own place.

You should.
I'll help you.

You can help me?
Yeah, that'd be fun.

April, you're like
an angel with no wings.

So, like, a person?

Hey. What's in the envelope?

Nothing.

You wanted to see me?

I think the Pawnee Chapter of the
IOW has made a little mistake.

(EXCLAIMS)

Really? You're saying a women's
organization made a mistake?

I was as surprised
as you were.

But the fact is, they only
give that award to women.

Hmm. Well, it definitely said
Ron Swanson in the letter.

Yeah, but it also mentioned
my camp project.

Yes. Camp Xena.

Athena. Camp Athena.

You don't even know the name.

I almost got it.
I was pretty close.

No.

Look, Leslie, your job,

which you're great at,
is making me look good.

Which you've
clearly done well

because I'm getting
an award. Right?

Yeah.
Be proud of yourself.

You deserve an award.

Not this one, obviously,
this one belongs to me,

but some other one.
Some other lesser award.

And if the shoe were on the other
foot and you won the award,

I would've
congratulated you.

(MUTTERING) Congratulations, Ron.
What's that?

You heard me.

You promised the girls a field
by the end of this week.

Well, it's a man's world,
Winston. Get used to it.

I'm a man.

You know who you should talk to?
Ron Swanson.

He's an award-winning
public servant.

He's the guy that's
gonna help you out.

Go on in there.

Excuse me?
Ron, someone's coming in.

Hi. Leslie said
I should come over here.

If you don't get credit for
your work, why bother doing it?

Because I love it!

But I'm going
to make a point!

TOM: This VIP card gives
you exclusive access

to the investment
opportunity of a lifetime.

Where? Multipurpose Room F.
When? 3:00 p.m.

Dress code? Black tie optional.
Just like life.

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Yes, yes.
Just hang on one second.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

I'm doing
my official portrait

for the IUD
Awards Dinner Program.

IOW.

No, this portrait is not official in any way.
I'm paying for it myself.

Did you need me?

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Because some of us
actually do work around here.

Work that often
goes unrewarded.

I need your opinion.

Which of these objects most
represents women for this portrait?

A pot?

Or this Deputy
Director Barbie?

Isn't it adorable? She's got a
little briefcase, her cell phone.

(MIMICKING) "I'm going to
help my boss win an award."

How's the scheduling conflict
with the soccer teams going?

Take care of that, did you?

Nope.
Passed the buck to Donna.

That's not really the attitude
I'd expect from an award winner.

Everything I do is the
attitude of an award winner

because I've won an award.

So, what kind of place
are you looking for?

I can afford, like,
300 bucks a month.

I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie.
That'd be awesome. Or Kipp.

I'm pretty flexible on that.

Here's a great one.
It's a Tudor mansion.

It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms.
It's got a tennis court,

a pool and
a three-car garage.

What?

And it's only $20,000 a month.
And it's in Chicago.

Ah!

That close!
It was almost perfect.

Actually, there are a couple
of cool places in here.

Let's go look at them!
Now?

Let's roll.
Okay.

Thank you all so much
for joining me today.

I have two questions
for you.

One, are you ready for the
investment opportunity of a lifetime?

And two, do any of you have
pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?

Yes, both.
Anybody? No?

JERRY: Both.
All right.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies!

Jay-Z. Rihanna.
Audrina Patridge.

Jon Gosselin.
Lady Gaga. Snooki.

Are these real people?

(INAUDIBLE) TOM: Cash
Warren and Dennis Rodman.

These are just a few of the celebrities
that wish they could invest

in Pawnee's hottest club.
But they can't.

And you can. For the small
price of only one, one, one,

thousand, thousand, thousand
dollars, dollars, dollars!

The only question is,
who's gonna be my partner?

Mark, I'm talking to you!
Donna, I'm talking to you!

Jerry! I'm talking to you!
Mark! I'm talking to you!

LESLIE: Twenty-six certificates
, plaques, ribbons,

trophies, medals
and miscellany

certifying that I am
the kind of person

who deserves recognition
for her achievements.

What do you have, Ron?

I have the Dorothy Every
Time Smurf Girl Trophy

for excellence
in female stuff.

Dorothy Everton Smythe.
I swear to God, I would...

Leslie.

Before you continue,
please read this.

Another organization giving you
credit for something you didn't do?

"I, Ron Swanson,
recognize that

"Leslie Knope should have
received the IOW Award

"for all the hard work
she has done,

"especially for
the Camp Athena project.

"However, in my opinion,

"she is far too concerned with
institutional gratification."

No, I'm not.

"So, I am going to
let her dangle

"in order to show her
that awards are bull crap."

Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist.
I love powerful women.

You do attend a shocking
number of WNBA games.

I'm just saying that awards are
political, and everybody has an agenda.

If you spend your life chasing
them, you'll drive yourself nuts.

Yeah, all right. But Dorothy Everton
Smythe was a trailblazing feminist.

She was the first woman in Pawnee
to wear pants on a Sunday.

She spent four years
in jail for that.

I know I'm not supposed to
care about these things,

but this one means a lot.

(SINGING)
I know you've been changing

The acoustics in
the bathroom are insane.

So, how much
is this one again?

This one is $425 a month,
plus utilities.

I like it.
It seems to have a lot of potential

and a lot of
"advantages," per se.

I could definitely picture myself
doing something over there.

(HISSING)

Can you hear that?

What is that?

It's still on.

You can light a match
to get rid of that smell.

I feel really good
about this.

Really?

It screams Andy Dwyer.

And I live nearby. So, we could,
like, carpool to work or something.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

The scream just got louder.

So, what do you think?

I don't know.
Make me an offer.

Okay. First come, first served.
Who's in? Jerry?

Jeez, Tom,

if I spend any more than 25
bucks, I gotta ask my wife.

Jerry, get out.

Okay.

(IMITATING ANN) "Mark?
What are we doing tonight?"

(IMITATING MARK)
"I don't know, Ann.

"We could do the usual boring
stuff like eat some chicken salad

"with some crackers,
or watch the pay-per-view,

"or we could go to my nightclub
and do some dancing."

I don't think so, man.

You'd never have to
beg for sex again.

I don't wanna get into this, really,
but I don't beg for sex now.

Forget about that, Mark.
Are you in or out?

It's just not
really my thing.

Bye, Mark.

Cindi.

Donna?

Maybe. I like The Snakehole.

Plus, I would look good

pulling into my owner's
parking space in my Mercedes.

Just to be clear, you
wouldn't be an owner, per se.

You, me and my boy,
Jean-Ralphio,

would each own
part of a share.

Will that be cash or check?

Not so fast. I like to know
who I'm in business with.

I want to meet your boy.

In here. This lady's here.

Hi, I'm Elise Yarktin,
I'm with the IOW.

I'm Woman of the Year,
Ron Swanson.

Yes, I know.
We are very excited to be

presenting you
with the Smythe Award.

That's what I called you
to talk about.

I don't know if I can take
all of the excitement.

So, I think the award should
go to Miss Knope, here.

Hello.

She's the one
who really deserves it.

Camp Athena was her idea.
She did all the work. You made a mistake.

We didn't make a mistake.

We made a very conscious decision
this year to choose a man.

Why?

Well, every year, we give it to a
woman, and, frankly, nobody cares.

Yeah, the media has all but written
us off as a niche interest group.

But if you give
a women's award

to a mustachioed,
masculine man,

such as yourself, well, then,
eventually, people take notice.

I don't want the damn thing.

Well, we're giving it
to you.

So, you're gonna
take it, like a man.

So congratulations.

The IOW is a bunch of
sexist jerks

who need to get back in the
kitchen where they belong,

and leave the real
feminist work

to actual feminists
like Ron Swanson!

Oh, my God!
What is happening?

Now do you see
how silly these things are?

Unbelievable.

Obviously,
I'm just gonna decline it.

No, I want you to accept it.

I want you
to go to the podium

and talk about
how stupid awards are.

And how they are superficial
and meaningless.

I want you to rip awards
a new a-hole!

Now we're talking. I tell you what.
You write the speech.

Don't pull your punches.

I won't.
I'm gonna push my punches

as far as
my fists can extend!

Attagirl. Kind of.

What up, Big T! Stop.

This must be
the lovely Donna.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Listen, beautiful,
let's cut the bull, right?

You want this.
I definitely want this.

T.H. wants this.

Let's seal this devil's three-way
right here, right now.

Step one,
we buy into this club.

Step two, we roll over
to the club,

either in your Mercedes Benz
or my pre-owned Acura Legend.

Step three, I dagger you
on the dance floor.

(SINGING) Just bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce

Now, all the ladies say it Bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

What do you say, sexy?

I'm out.

Why?
I hate that guy.

(SIGHS)

Mr. Swanson. Hi,
welcome to the IOW Awards,

and congratulations
on winning.

Yay!

Well, here is
your awards packet,

and if you will
just follow me,

we're gonna have a little
meet-and-greet before the ceremony.

Okay.
Great.

No, I'm sorry.
This area is for award winners only.

Get over yourself, Elise.

Work on the speech.
Let's nail these women.

You know what I mean.
Yeah.

I don't know, Andy. What's it all about?
What's the secret?

Yeah.

Why's it so hard
to become a mogul?

All I want in life is to own a
nightclub on every continent,

have my own line
of upscale sweat suits,

and a cologne
called Tommy Fresh.

And I fell $1,000 short.

Seriously?
That's all you needed?

Tom, I have $1,000.
You can have it.

Thanks, Andy, but I
can't take your money.

I'm a singerlsongwriter.

The two lines I've put into
every song I've ever sang,

"Spread your wings and fly," and
"You deserve to be a champion."

If you're telling me that all you
need is $1,000 to do your dreams,

then I want you to have it.

Are you sure about this?

Maybe.

You don't know how happy
you just made me.

(ANDY LAUGHS)

He's the Director of the Pawnee
Parks and Recreation Department.

He is also the recipient
of this year's

Dorothy Everton Smythe
Female Empowerment Award.

Please put your hands
together for Mr. Ron Swanson.

RON: Thank you. Thank you.

Every award, from the smallest
trophy to the Nobel Prize,

is nothing more than...

Is nothing more than a great
way to honor someone.

So, I would like to present this
year's Dottie English Whatever Award

to the person
who actually deserves it,

Leslie Knope.
Come on up here, Leslie.

(WEAK APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Honestly, I'm just very
honored to work for someone

as insightful
and kind as my boss.

So, I would like to present this
year's Dorothy Everton Smythe Award

to Ron Swanson.

I don't want it.
Just take the damn thing.

You deserve it.

No, no. Really.
No, Ron, you deserve it.

Really, but I don't want it.
But you won it.

And you should win it.
You should take it.

After that whole conversation...
I'm being ridiculous.

You've done...
Could someone please just take it?

Okay, I'll take it. Who do I speak
to about getting this changed?

WOMAN 1: Get off the stage!
WOMAN 2: Yeah!

RON: I still think
awards are stupid.

But they'd be less stupid if
they went to the right people.

You gave Tom
all your money?

Yeah, well, I'm investing.

I'm like Warren Buffay.

I kind of feel like
it would have been

good for you to
have your own place.

Yeah, I know. But I feel like
Tom really needed the money,

and small sacrifice

to see one of your best
friends' dreams come true.

RON: They cropped you out.

Figures.

So, where are you
gonna put it?

I have an idea.

One, two, three.
Two, three.

(CHUCKLES)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

What's up?

Hey, guys. How long
did you wait in line?

I didn't wait at all!
I'm a part-owner.

Freddy!
I'm back.

Tom Haverford, part-owner.
Let me know if you need anything.

Keep this booth warm
for me every night.

I'm gonna live
in this booth.

Yes, sir.

Donna?

What are you
doing here?

I bought three shares.
Thanks for the tip.