Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 16 - Galentine's Day - full transcript

If you look inside your bags,
you'll find a few things.

A bouquet of handcrochet
flower pens...

A mosaic portrait of each of you

made from the crush bottles
of your favorite diet soda,

and a personalized 5,000-word essay

of why you're all so awesome.

What's Galentine's day?

It's only the best day of the year.

Every february 13th,

my lady friends and I leave our husbands
and our boyfriends at home,

and we just come and kick it,
breakfast-style.



Ladies celebrating ladies.

It's like Lilith fair,
minus the angst.

Plus frittatas.

So to conclude our
Galentine's day breakfast,

it is time
for the greatest story ever told.

What's the story?

It's the most romantic story ever.

It makes The Notebook
look like Saw V.

Go, mom, go.

It was 1968.

I was 18, and our family
went on a vacation to Bermuda.

And on the first day,
I went for a swim

in the ocean,

and I got caught
in a very strong current.



- You've heard this story before, right?
- Yes, but the drama.

The next thing I felt

were two very powerful arms

whisking me to safety.

And he looked down at me,
and he said,

"Are you okay?"

and I looked up at him, and I said,

"I am now."

So they sneak out to meet each other
and walk on the beach,

and, two weeks later,
he asked her to marry him

and move to Illinois.

But her parents thought
she was too young, so she said no.

And then they lost touch,
and, a few years later, she met my dad.

I got to take lifeguard courses.
Those guys get all the action.

- Am I right, Justin?
- We got to find this guy.

Frank?
He's probably married. Or dead.

What's the difference?
Am I right, Justin?

At least let me try and find him.

Imagine how much better
that story would be

if we actually reunited them.

I think Justin's right.
You should let him do this.

Okay. Do it.

But if you find him and he's weird,

like a ventriloquist or a puppeteer

or anyone who pretends toys
are people,

then abort the mission.

Absolutely.

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Episode 216
Galentine's Day

mpm

lestat78

You.
You're the best girlfriend ever.

Happy valentine's day.

I knew, eventually, somehow,

being in a relationship with you
would totally pay off.

I bought him some actual towels.

He was using a bathrobe.

And I bought him some other things
that humans usually use,

like shampoo.

Troops, gather around.
Great news.

The senior center valentine's dance
is tomorrow from 5:00 to 9:00.

Are we talking a.m. or p.m.?

Those people are old!
Am I right, Justin?

Justin's not here.

It isn't just a job, gang.
We'll learn a lot from these seniors.

Some of them
have been married for half a century.

And, no offense, but everybody here
is terrible at love.

Divorced,

dating a gay guy,

divorced twice,

jury's still out on you two.

And, Jerry, who knows?

I've been happily married for 28 years.
You've met my wife Gayle many times.

Whatever. Finally, Ann and
Mark are our special volunteers,

and they will be available
whenever needed.

I didn't volunteer.

Yeah, too bad. You got drafted.

Ask not what
your old people could do for you.

Ask what you could do
for your old people.

- Terminator.
- What? No. JFK.

This meeting has been terminated.

That is the Terminator.

Nice.

Where am I going?

- Well, hello there.
- Well, hey. I got your message.

You wanted to talk?

Yes, I do.

Have a seat.

- Some champagne?
- No, thanks.

Come on. This is Armand de Brignac.

- Jay-z drinks this.
- He doesn't have to perform surgery.

You don't know Jay-z's schedule.
He's a renaissance man.

Okay, fine.

This is for you.

It's almost valentine's day,

so I thought it would be
a good day to tell you...

Let me just stop you right there.

Look...

I just want you to know
I'm so grateful

for everything you did for me.

- But I only see us as friends.
- For now.

But think about how much better
our friendship would be

if we added doing it.

Seriously. I know our marriage was fake,
but there's something between us,

and we should give it
a shot for real.

I just don't feel
that way about you.

I'm sorry.

So there's that one, I guess.

You sound ready
for the dance tomorrow.

I don't know
about these old fogey songs, Leslie.

Why can't we just do our originals?
I just wrote a new song, okay.

Bottom line: it's called sex hair.

It's about how youknow
when someone's just had sex

'cause of how their hair gets
matted up in the back. It's awesome.

Think of it this way.

These song are exactly like
the songs you usually play,

except instead of modern rock,
they're jazzy standards from the '40s.

- You got a point.
- Yeah. You're gonna do great.

All right, guys.

I've been here for a half an hour.
Can I get my shoeshine?

Kyle, I'm gonna lose my **** on you
if you ask me one more time.

I found him.

Frank Beckerson.

63, lives in a little town
called Bridgeport.

Illinois.

Divorced, no kids,
worked as a lifeguard when he was 20.

I need a half a day off
for a secret mission of love.

You're asking my permission
to take a nooner?

Sure. I don't know.

Maybe. Justin and I need to go
on a romantically inspired road trip.

So it is a nooner.

We're planning to leave around noon,
so I'm not quite sure...

It's not a nooner.

I tracked down
this old flame of Leslie's mom.

We're gonna go pick him up,
and reunite them on valentine's day.

A great story or what?

Yeah, great story indeed.

Enjoy your half day off.

- Pick you up tomorrow around noon.
- For our nooner, which is a cute word.

- Explain it to her later.
- Explain what?

Happy valentine's day.

First off, a bear in a paper bag

and a heart-shaped balloon.

I love bears and bags.

Well, you'll like this then,

because this is a giant teddy bear

holding a red heart.

Festive.
What's this?

I don't know.
It's a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

That's a dozen red roses
in a heart-shaped arrangement.

See that. Perfume.

For the lady.

Yearning, by Dennis Feinstein.

Finally, the heart of the ocean.

Gorgeous.

I never had a chance to get a girl

a cliched valentine's day
gift before,

so I got you all of 'em.

Thank you. That was very sweet.

Do you think they'll get married?
My God. What if they get married?

- That would be amazing.
- Would I call him dad then?

No, that'd be too much.
Maybe I'll call him pappy. Pop.

Poppy. Papa.

Look at me,
I'm getting ahead of myself.

You never know.

I'm gonna call him poo-paw.

How often do you get
to reunite soul mates?

What if I told you that you
could reunite romeo and juliet?

Or Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston?

Jen, I really want you to be happy.

Stay away from John Mayer.

I cannot believe I'm gonna
meet Frank Beckerson.

I feel like
I've known him my whole life.

My God!

- Marlene.
- No, poo-paw. Poo-paw, no.

I'm not marlene.

I'm so sorry.
I should really wear my glasses.

Come on in.

I was wondering, my mom always said
that you wanted to be a lawyer.

- Did that work out?
- No. Never did.

Though I did once act
as my own lawyer.

You know what,
I found some pictures of Marlene and me.

Look.

Look how young she is.

- These are amazing.
- Probably shouldn't show you this one.

No, thank you.

You mom was such a firecracker.

Smart, funny, sharp as a tack.
Such firm breasts.

That was inappropriate.

I'm just, all of a sudden,

so nervous to see her again.

I'm gonna throw up real quick,
and then we can leave.

Valentine's bash at the Bulge tonight.
We can get you a drink bracelet.

I can't. I've got to work

at this senior center
valentine's day dance thing.

That sounds amazing. Can we come?

I don't know why you would want to.

- Because old people are funny.
- It'll be like The Golden Girls.

I have to go get ready.

So, where have you been
for the past 40 years?

You know, here and there.
You know, Grenada for a while.

Then Panama. Then Afghanistan.

- So you were in the military?
- Nope.

You know,
I always wonder how different

my life would have been
if your mother had married me.

It would have been better.
I'll tell you that much.

- Frank, are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm good...

I am just so nervous to see her.

- There is nothing to be nervous about.
- Have you got a bag or something?

- Do you have a bag?
- I have a purse.

- Give him your purse.
- All right.

I mean, that sucked, didn't it?

Maybe if you sang it
like Louis Armstrong?

Maybe. Yeah.

I mean, here's the thing, though.

Who is that?

My problem is I don't know

how to tell if we're doing good

because, when you play rock,
it's easy to know if you're doing great

because chicks
will flash their boobs at you

when you're up on stage.

You're like, oh, that must
have sounded pretty good.

But I can't... If that happens here,
my eyes will fall out of my head,

and I'll die.

Frank, are you okay?

Maybe we should...

I might be crazy,
but I have this weird suspicion

that things are going well with us.

You know,
I have that same suspicion.

But, having never been in something
like this before, I need to ask,

how am I doing?

Come on.

No, I'm sort of serious.

All right, fine. Forget it.

I'm just saying, you know,
it seems to me on paper

- that this thing we've is pretty great.
- Yes, nerd, on paper,

this thing we have is pretty great.

Mark is a great boyfriend.

I have no complaints at all.

Everything is good.

I don't know.
I don't feel right about this.

Are you kidding me?
This is so much fun.

Look, we took a road trip today.

We chased your mom's
long-lost love down a freeway.

He's a loon, Justin.

So he freaked out a little bit.
He got nervous. You would too.

And he was fine inside the car.

Yeah, well, he cried himself to sleep.
I don't know why you're pushing.

Why do you want him to spend time
with my mom? How would that help her?

I don't think this is gonna work.
I'm calling this off.

Come on. Look, we're here.
Just see what happens.

- What happens is I drive him home.
- Now, you need to breathe.

I'm breathing, okay...

There you are.

So what's the big surprise?

You gonna try to check me
into an old folks' home?

It's a long story. One that we'd love
to tell you over a cup of coffee

somewhere far from this place.

I can't believe it's really you.

Want to catch up?

Sure.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy.

Do you think we should stand by...

She's fine.

Let's just let this unfold.

Come here, sonny.
Let me tell you about the civil war.

Grandpa, leave me alone.
You smell like death.

I'm gonna get some punch.

You guys are really adorable.

That's really nice.

So Leslie's like, "that's it.
I'm taking him home."

So we look over,
and he's not even in the car anymore.

- You're kidding.
- No. It's insane.

What does Leslie
think about all this?

Oh, God, Leslie, I don't even know.
I lost track of her in all the chaos.

Anyway, so now he and Marlene
are off somewhere, doing God knows what.

I don't want to know.

You're suing me for alimony?

When we were married,
I got accustomed

to a certain lifestyle, and I'm entitled
to money to maintain that lifestyle.

This is insane.

Yeah, it's insane,
but it's all I got.

And you could make it all go away
if you just gave me a chance.

- What?
- Three dates.

One date.

Coffee?

So your plan was to sue me

and then to use that to blackmail me
into falling in love with you?

You guys sound good.

You really think so?

It's impossible to tell.
It's like bizarro land out there.

As soon as we finish a song,
it's dead silence.

What do you expect, you know?
They're like a million years old.

Well, I'm glad you like it.
You were a big supporter of the band.

Hey, break's over.

Ludgate, cracking the whip.

Yeah, well, these old bags
paid for some entertainment,

so get...

- You're right.
- Up there.

You should play The Way
You Look Tonight. That's a good one.

Next one's going out
to a special little lady

named April Ludgate.

Are you guys...

Never mind.

- Why do you care?
- I don't.

Now what about you?
What do you do for a living?

Well, it's been an interesting ride.

I got a job at a grocery store
right out of college.

Just for a way to make money.

Here I am, 40 years later,

completely unemployed.

What do you say...

we pick up where we left off?

You're not serious, right?

Serious as a heart attack.

Of which I've had four.

- Are you okay? Did Frank leave?
- Yeah, he stepped away for a second.

- I'm so sorry we brought him here.
- Oh, it's okay.

It was very thoughtful, sweetheart.

It's not your fault
that he turned out to be...

My name is Frank Beckerson.

Marlene, you...

blew it.

Take one last look, Marlene,

because you'll never see
this body again.

What happened between you two?

Tell me everything.
I want every detail.

We're almost done,
so we can leave soon.

I'll take you for an ice cream malt,
and then we can go choose our caskets.

Why does everything we do
must be cloaked in 15 layers of irony?

Here's something unironic.
Since you know that meathead,

you've become completely lame.

We're breaking up.

- You can't make out with me anymore.
- Fine. Then I'll make out with Ben.

- Pass.
- No, he's my boyfriend.

You can either make out
with both of us or none of us.

- Fine. None of you.
- Fine.

Everything okay, Knope?

My boyfriend is a lawyer,

and he's smart and interesting,

and there's a lot
of things about him I like.

But he acted like a real jerk today.

I don't know.
There's something about the way

he treats people or something.

He's a tourist.

He vacations in people's lives,

takes pictures,
puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on.

All he's interested in are stories.

Basically, Leslie, he's selfish.

And you're not.
And that's why you don't like him.

I told you so.
It's Duke Silver.

Duke, can I have your autograph?

I love your music.

You're mistaken, ladies.
Move along.

Yeah, go Mouse Rat!

I thought you were just terrific.

Seriously?

You sound like Dean Martin.

If I were 50 years younger...

Wait, who's Dean Martin?

If I'm not mistaken, that was
the old lady version of flashing.

Nailed the gig.

Look, it's sad. I know.

But we'll still be friends.

We're gonna see
each other all the time.

- I come into town every other weekend.
- No. You guys can't break up.

- We can fix this. Let me talk to her.
- Tom, it's over.

- She doesn't want to see me anymore.
- Is it my fault? Did I do something?

Seriously,
this has nothing to do with you.

- Can we still go suit shopping?
- Of course.

Armani's having a sale right now.

- Time to get you a pocket square.
- All right.

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