Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - Sweetums - full transcript
Leslie and Ron become adversaries when a dishonest candy company vies for a concessions contract, while everybody else in the department reluctantly helps Tom move out of his house.
Hi, I'm Tom Haverford.
I work at the Parks Department.
It's a little douchie.
Good call, J.
I'm getting divorced,
so I'm trying to up my game.
Who am I supposed to ask
for fashion advice? Jerry?
He wears the same soup-stained
khakis every day.
Justin's my savior. He's like an issue
of GQ that's come to life.
(SINGING)
Tommy Timberlake.
You look like
Encyclopedia Brown.
Sequins!
Try it without the gloves.
Sequins,
minus the gloves.
Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up?
'Cause I didn't even notice.
All right, guys.
Let's talk accessories.
Be honest. Which cane do you like better?
Dragon? Serpent?
Dragon? Serpent?
Belt buckle, says,
"What's cracking?"
I can have it say whatever I want.
It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom.
"What's cracking, girl?
What's cracking, boo?"
Eagle medallion!
(CAWING)
Well, as far as white,
leather suits go...
It's horrible.
I like it.
Sweetums has
been Pawnee's
leading sweet-treat
manufacturer for over 80 years.
And we are so excited about our new
partnership with the Parks Department.
(ALL CHEERING)
LESLIE: Starting next month,
Sweetums is gonna take over the
concession stands in our parks.
I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate
sponsorship, but Sweetums is an institution.
When you think of Pawnee,
you think of Sweetums.
Although candy is
our bread and butter,
we also care about the
health of our customers.
And that's why we'll be debuting our
new healthy energy bar, NutriYums.
Take a look.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, I'm Nick Newport, Jr.,
CEO of Sweetums.
And I'd like to introduce to you our
new line of energy bars, NutriYums.
We start with
100% all-natural corn,
then we add just a little bit
of Sweetums corn syrup,
a little drop of sunshine,
and some other stuff.
And since they're from Sweetums, you
know your kids are gonna love them.
Wow, that family looks so healthy.
Look at them. They're all wearing vests!
Dakota? Denver?
Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make
NutriYums for dogs. Yet.
(LAUGHING) Shoelace.
ANNOUNCER: NutriYums. Where
nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums.
(ALL CHEERING)
If you can't
beat them...
ALL: Sweetums!
Sweetums!
RON: I could not be
happier about this.
I think the entire government
should be privatized.
Chuck E. Cheese
could run the parks.
Everything operated by tokens.
Drop in a token, go on the swing set.
Drop in another token,
take a walk.
Drop in a token,
look at a duck.
Brendanawicz! Quick question,
do you personally know Xzibit?
Because I was checking out that pickup
truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!
It's really nice of you to compliment my
pickup truck with no ulterior motives.
Yeah, so, listen, I need to
move some stuff this weekend
into my new bachelor pad, since
my divorce is finally going down.
Just some odds and ends.
You can bring up the Mark-mobile,
help me move, right?
I'm totally blanking on a
valid excuse right now,
so, yes. I'll help you.
My boy!
(SIGHING)
I (BLEEP) hate having
a pickup truck.
Andy, I have a very interesting
business proposal for you.
I'm moving a lot of heavy
stuff out of my place
this weekend.
Can I help you move?
I'm really good at it.
Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from
the boxes and use it for break dancing.
I'll go, too.
Really?
'Cause an hour ago
you told me you'd rather watch a
sex tape of your grandparents.
Shut up. I don't have anything else to do.
Do you want help or not?
All right.
See you guys later.
I think that that's really, really sweet,
that your grandparents still make love.
(GRUNTING)
Ready to go?
Yes.
Your keys, please.
(LAUGHS) You gotta
be kidding me. I'm fine.
Well, we'll let the chart
be the judge of that.
What are you, 5'11", 210
pounds, three whiskeys?
Looks like you are just over
the line into impaired.
You carry that with
you all the time?
It comes in handy.
And on the back, it teaches
you how to play blackjack.
Swansons have a preternaturally
high tolerance for alcohol.
My old man used to put Wild
Turkey on his Corn Flakes.
I'm not gonna argue with you, Ron.
We're just gonna sit and wait
until, you know, you're safe to
drive, which would be in about
one hour.
"Insurance is a side bet when you
wager half of your original bet
"because you believe the
dealer has a 10 in the hole."
(HONKING)
Get off my car,
woman!
Twenty minutes.
The dealer really has an advantage.
That's what I get the most from this.
Hey, Ron.
Morning, Leslie.
Did you have a good night?
I did. I watched a really good...
What is that?
This is what
I did last night.
After I got home, I drank
six more glasses of whiskey
and then I finished
crafting this small harp,
using a band saw, a spoke shave and
an oscillating spindle sander.
(PLAYING HARP)
Beautiful.
But wait, there's more.
Here are some photographs
of me drinking the whiskey.
You'll notice I'm holding up
yesterday's newspaper,
so you can tell
that I'm not lying.
I feel like
I'm in a spa.
So, I got my truck all cleaned out
and ready to go for tomorrow.
Do you have, like, furniture pads and dollies?
That sort of thing?
Ooh, I thought
the mover supplied those.
I'm not a mover!
I'm a sap who owns a truck.
Don't talk about yourself like that.
And bring some coffee.
Hey, are you moving out?
Have you told Wendy how you feel yet?
Waiting for the right time.
It's right now.
The time is now.
Just don't worry
about it. I'm fine.
Hmm.
What's that over there?
ALL: Mmm!
Holy cow.
Yeah.
Wow.
That is good stuff.
Great, right?
Oh, my God.
They're amazing.
They're more than amazing.
They are terrific.
Terrific's not more
than amazing, Jerry.
No? Well, it's not less.
Everything Sweetums makes
is off the charts.
I like their
candy fingernails.
I can't believe these
things are healthy.
It's not that crazy.
Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious.
No, they're not.
Yeah. They actually
have rice in them. So...
Andy, you're fine,
but you're simple.
Who just put 100
of these in their body?
Ann! Oh! Look at you!
You're looking pretty unhealthy today.
You might need one of these,
NutriYum, by Sweetums.
(SINGING) If you can't beat
them, Sweetums!
I love that song.
Ow!
I need to go
check my e-mail.
We're gonna sell these
in the park now.
They're healthy!
Holy God. No, they're not,
they're terrible for you.
No, they're not. There's a picture
of Lance Armstrong on there.
Yeah, but look at the ingredients.
"High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup."
There's only eight grams of fat.
Yeah. Per serving.
A bar is four servings.
Well, people seem to enjoy them.
Look how happy everybody is.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah, that's
a sugar rush.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
They're gonna crash soon,
and it's not gonna be pretty.
Yeah, I'm gonna crash soon, too.
'Cause I've eaten, like, 40 of these.
Oh, God!
ANN: Generally, I like to stay
out of other people's business.
But Pawnee is the fourth
most obese city in America.
The kids here are beefy.
They're just husky, big-boned,
plus-sized chunk monsters.
I call them like I see them.
Leslie?
Yeah?
Let's get some
almonds in you, okay?
Okay.
Get it.
I can't open them.
(EXCLAIMING)
Back to work.
I hate it here.
This place is evil.
I think these are the only two films
that say "Sweetums" on the label.
Yeah, well, let's take them both.
We might find something interesting.
Here, just let me stick
them under my shirt. No.
Just walk out.
They have sensors!
Just check them out.
It's free.
Hey, Marci.
Leslie.
Are they finally teaching you
Parks people how to read?
Oh, I guess not.
It's a movie.
You're pretty cocky for someone whose job
is obsolete because of the Internet.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Let's see.
(BEEPING)
MARCI: Hmm. You seem to
have a $40 late fee
on a book called (LOUDLY) Mysteries
of the Female Orgasm.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Ann, grab the movie!
Go, go, go, go!
Punk-ass book jockeys!
(SENSOR BEEPING)
So, you guys all good with the
Sweetums concession-stand deal?
I can go ahead
and sign off on it?
You betcha.
Actually, no.
No. We are worried
that the energy bars
that they're gonna sell
are grossly unhealthy
and they're misleading people
about what's actually in them.
No, we're not worried about that.
We're fine and we sign off.
Paul, can I have
a sidebar with Ron?
I guess.
Sidebar, Ron. I did some research,
and NutriYums are terrible for you.
I don't care.
We're doing it.
That's a...
We're in a sidebar.
Do you not care about
your city's health?
I care about the people's right
to consume whatever they want.
Paul, can you and I
have a sidebar?
No.
Okay. I think maybe we
should hold a public forum.
That way we
won't be liable.
There's no point.
It's a home run for the city.
No, I think she's right.
It's a good cover-our-ass move.
Let's do it.
Paul!
Leslie, why must you stick your
nose into everyone else's business?
Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because
I didn't let him drive last night.
Stop sidebarring.
Somebody's grouchy.
MARK: You said
it was just odds and ends.
It is, yeah.
And some furniture.
And the plasma TV.
You haven't even
folded up the boxes yet.
Dude, Deep Blue Sea.
Greatest movie ever made.
That's the Canadian version,
22 extra minutes,
and there's a bonus audio track where
LL Cool J raps all his dialog.
What? We're watching
this right now.
Yes!
Pop it in!
No, no, no!
We should really pack this
room up and get moving.
So, this is a really big
room I need packed up, guys.
MARK: This is your bedroom?
TOM: No, it's a spare room
I converted
into a walk-in closet
lhome fitness center.
What is that?
TOM: Oh.
I strapped an MP3 player to one
of those floor cleaning robots.
I call him "DJ Roomba.
" Little guy cruises around and plays music.
What's hot, DJ Roomba?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
TOM: DJ Roomba,
tearing it up!
He likes me.
(LAUGHING)
Let's dance for a little while, Mark.
What...
NutriYums energy bars
are just absolutely loaded
with high-fructose corn
syrup and fatty oils.
And any way
you slice it,
they're just extremely
unhealthy for you.
RON: Leslie needs
to butt out.
The whole point
of this country is,
if you want
to eat garbage,
balloon up to 600 pounds and die
of a heart attack at 43, you can.
You are free to do so.
To me, that's beautiful.
(SIGHS) Any questions?
If sugar is so bad, how come
Jesus made it taste so good?
Yes?
But isn't all
food bad for you?
I've been eating
lasagna and muffins
every day of my life
for 40 years
and I feel terrible.
ANN: Right.
What's so bad
about corn syrup?
It's natural.
Corn's a fruit.
Syrup comes from a bush.
Oh, boy.
How do we know
you're really a nurse?
I am, I promise.
I work at Saint Joe's.
Well, the point is, my
friend thinks you're cute.
Give me your number
so he can have it.
Yeah,
that's not gonna happen.
Can I have your e- mail address?
Oh, my God.
I just got on AOL.
No!
I think we ought to
throw those bars out
and eat
ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches.
That's not a good idea.
Ham and mayonnaise!
That's not...
No.
Ham and mayonnaise!
No, no, no, no. ALL: (CHANTING)
Ham and mayonnaise!
Ham and mayonnaise!
Ham and mayonnaise!
Oh, God. I can't believe
you do this every week.
I'm actually encouraged.
The questions were
more relevant than usual.
Yeah. I need to order the brown
Timberlands in a size eight, narrow.
How much is
the next-day shipping?
And, what's two-day
shipping?
Yeah, I'd like to place an order
for one pad thai, chicken,
and no scallions
on it, please.
Just for one person,
yeah. Just one.
Yeah, I saw Mark carrying, like, three boxes.
That dude is strong.
Whatever.
I'll carry five boxes!
Go get 'em, champ!
Okay, Donna.
Where do you want this?
Uh-uh. That's it.
My baby has
a delicate suspension.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not. Move.
Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz.
There's plenty of room.
TOM: Hey!
Ah! My pocket squares!
Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make
NutriYums for dogs. Yet.
ANNOUNCER: NutriYums. Where
nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
I guess that
about says it all.
LESLIE: You know,
it doesn't, actually.
I think we should watch
another video right now,
one that your company
made 30 years ago.
I'm Nick Newport,
president of Sweetums,
giving you a look inside
our corn syrup factory.
This is all-new,
high-fructose corn syrup,
a miracle product that's sweeter
than sugar, but cheaper to produce!
Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is
currently being used by farms
to fatten up
their cows and pigs.
Look how fat
those cows are!
Fat, happy and docile,
the way we like them.
So, you still want to claim
that corn syrup is healthy?
Corn syrup is natural, and
it's fine in moderation.
But don't take
my word for it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Nick Newport, Jr!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
All right!
(LAUGHING)
What's going on?
Yeah!
How you doing?
Yeah! Yeah!
That's what
I'm saying!
My kids,
Denver and Dakota!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Come on down, guys!
(ANDY GROANING)
(APRIL GIGGLING)
I just wanna get...
That's good hose water.
Don't get my shoes.
Hey, what's up, guys?
You come to help Tom move, too?
Too late! We already
almost got all of it.
No, we just
thought it'd be funny
to see April
doing physical labor.
(EXCLAIMS)
It's been
an awesome moving day.
I got the little robot
to play Dave Matthews.
(SINGING) Little baby!
What's he talking about?
DJ Roomba.
What?
All right.
Back to the grindstone.
Awesome seeing you,
dudes.
See you.
Later, bro.
(ANDY LAUGHING)
Hi.
Hi.
God, this is so weird.
It's, like, end of an era, huh?
It's kind of sad.
Yeah, we'll still
be friends.
Yeah.
Well, hey,
you guys must be starving.
You want me to order you
pizza or something?
Oh, that'd be great, yeah. Okay.
Why don't you get some Canadian bacon
on it, since you're from Canada.
Mmm-hmm.
And sausage, 'cause I
am brown and spicy.
(LAUGHS HUMOROUSLY)
Okay, all right.
Well, I will see you around, I guess.
Yeah.
Right?
I'm around.
I'll see you around.
Bye.
Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Wow. Mr. Newport, Jr.
, thank you so much for coming.
But don't you think that every
person has a right to know
what they're putting in their bodies?
Right, everybody?
MAN: Is Shoelace here?
Where's Shoelace?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Shoelace couldn't make it.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
But I do agree
with this nice lady.
That's why I say we should
let the people be the judge.
Denver?
Everybody!
Check under your seats!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Look, look!
I got chocolate!
(ALL CHEERING)
Denver,
you little son of a bitch.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Mmm.
There's no pizza left?
Sorry, Jer. Too slow.
Do you want my crusts?
Here, take this.
Nobody even told me
the pizza was here.
(THUDDING)
Jerry!
You stepped on DJ Roomba!
(GRUNTING)
That was an accident.
TOM: You killed him!
I built him myself.
He was like a son to me.
Okay. Time to vote.
All those
who would like
the bloated corpse
of the government
to keep running
the snack bars
at taxpayer expense,
raise your hands.
That seems like
an unfair phrasing.
And all those in favor of letting
this heartless corporation, Sweetums,
stuff your children with
sugary crap, raise your hand.
(RON LAUGHING)
Thank you, everybody.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
I can't believe this.
You know what?
We did our job.
We informed the public.
That's all we can do.
MAN ON PHONE: I'm sorry, man.
There's nothing we can do.
Are you serious?
Look, we'll get it fixed
and I'll see you Monday.
I just got off the phone
with my new landlord.
Apparently, there's been
some sort of gas leak
and I can't move into my
place until Monday now.
Are you telling us
we have to unload this
and move it
back in the house?
No, I can't put it there.
I promised Wendy I'd be out of here tonight.
I got it.
Everybody go home, pack away
my stuff in your own houses.
Then on Monday,
pack it back up,
meet me at my new place,
unload it there.
(TOM SIGHING)
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Come on, guys.
See you, Tom.
Bye.
ANDY: Later.
Hey, bro, wanna go
get our grub on?
Totes, bro.
Wings and brews!
Why are you guys
talking like that?
Just chillaxin' like
your new bro, Andy.
Yeah. Wanna play
some Hacky Sack later,
maybe listen to
Blues Traveler?
Okay. I'm leaving.
We're just kidding.
Let's go to dinner.
I'm not hungry.
And you guys
aren't being funny.
DEREK: Why are
you being weird?
We make fun of people like that.
That's what we do.
You know,
for a gay couple,
you guys
are being really gay.
NEWPORT JR: I said, "Of course I remember you.
You're Chastity, right?"
(MEN LAUGHING)
RON: Leslie!
Even though I didn't invite
you, you came here anyway.
I respect that, because you made
a choice as a free American.
What are you eating?
RON: I call this
"turf and turf."
It's a 16-ounce T-bone
and a 24-ounce porterhouse.
Also, whiskey and a cigar.
I'm gonna consume all of
this at the same time
because I am
a free American.
No cigars inside, sir.
Fine. I will smoke
the entire thing outside.
Even though it is bad for
me, I am going to do it.
Why is he being
such an ass?
It's a long story.
(GROANING)
It's freezing outside, so I
will not be smoking this cigar.
But rest assured, I could if
I wanted to, because this...
This is America,
right? Is it?
May I speak with you,
please?
Look, I don't know if you're
being a jerk on purpose
just to prove you have
the right to be a jerk,
but either way,
you're being a jerk.
So, here.
Take the booze chart.
Are you kidding me?
No.
If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay?
I'm gonna head out.
By the way, maybe it's
none of my business,
but if you eat three pounds of
steak every day, you're gonna die,
and although I've already
written your eulogy,
and it's incredibly touching, I would
prefer not to give it for a while.
The first line,
by the way?
"O Captain! My Captain!
Ron Swanson, a swan song."
Yeah, and it gets
better from there.
April! April!
You wanna watch me rollerblade
in the parking lot after work?
I'm pretty awesome.
I used to be really good.
That was, like, 70 pounds ago.
I can't.
I'm kind of busy.
Oh, that's lame.
Tomorrow?
Maybe. I don't know.
Okay. Bye.
(YELLING)
Just kidding!
I don't fall!
(CHUCKLES)
I...
What are you eating?
I didn't have time
to have breakfast.
I'm gonna toss these
in the dumpster outside.
And I don't wanna see you
digging around in there later.
I am sorry.
I have been a horse's ass.
And that is the end
of what I have to say.
Apology accepted.
Put a coat on.
It's freezing outside.
TOM: (IN EERIE VOICE)
Jerry! Jerry!
This is the ghost
of DJ Roomba.
Why did you kill me?
I'm gonna
haunt you, Jerry.
I'm gonna follow you
and play the Black Eyed Peas
on a non-stop loop!
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
I work at the Parks Department.
It's a little douchie.
Good call, J.
I'm getting divorced,
so I'm trying to up my game.
Who am I supposed to ask
for fashion advice? Jerry?
He wears the same soup-stained
khakis every day.
Justin's my savior. He's like an issue
of GQ that's come to life.
(SINGING)
Tommy Timberlake.
You look like
Encyclopedia Brown.
Sequins!
Try it without the gloves.
Sequins,
minus the gloves.
Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up?
'Cause I didn't even notice.
All right, guys.
Let's talk accessories.
Be honest. Which cane do you like better?
Dragon? Serpent?
Dragon? Serpent?
Belt buckle, says,
"What's cracking?"
I can have it say whatever I want.
It can say, "What's cracking? I'm Tom.
"What's cracking, girl?
What's cracking, boo?"
Eagle medallion!
(CAWING)
Well, as far as white,
leather suits go...
It's horrible.
I like it.
Sweetums has
been Pawnee's
leading sweet-treat
manufacturer for over 80 years.
And we are so excited about our new
partnership with the Parks Department.
(ALL CHEERING)
LESLIE: Starting next month,
Sweetums is gonna take over the
concession stands in our parks.
I mean, I don't love the idea of corporate
sponsorship, but Sweetums is an institution.
When you think of Pawnee,
you think of Sweetums.
Although candy is
our bread and butter,
we also care about the
health of our customers.
And that's why we'll be debuting our
new healthy energy bar, NutriYums.
Take a look.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi, I'm Nick Newport, Jr.,
CEO of Sweetums.
And I'd like to introduce to you our
new line of energy bars, NutriYums.
We start with
100% all-natural corn,
then we add just a little bit
of Sweetums corn syrup,
a little drop of sunshine,
and some other stuff.
And since they're from Sweetums, you
know your kids are gonna love them.
Wow, that family looks so healthy.
Look at them. They're all wearing vests!
Dakota? Denver?
Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make
NutriYums for dogs. Yet.
(LAUGHING) Shoelace.
ANNOUNCER: NutriYums. Where
nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums.
(ALL CHEERING)
If you can't
beat them...
ALL: Sweetums!
Sweetums!
RON: I could not be
happier about this.
I think the entire government
should be privatized.
Chuck E. Cheese
could run the parks.
Everything operated by tokens.
Drop in a token, go on the swing set.
Drop in another token,
take a walk.
Drop in a token,
look at a duck.
Brendanawicz! Quick question,
do you personally know Xzibit?
Because I was checking out that pickup
truck of yours, and that ride is pimped!
It's really nice of you to compliment my
pickup truck with no ulterior motives.
Yeah, so, listen, I need to
move some stuff this weekend
into my new bachelor pad, since
my divorce is finally going down.
Just some odds and ends.
You can bring up the Mark-mobile,
help me move, right?
I'm totally blanking on a
valid excuse right now,
so, yes. I'll help you.
My boy!
(SIGHING)
I (BLEEP) hate having
a pickup truck.
Andy, I have a very interesting
business proposal for you.
I'm moving a lot of heavy
stuff out of my place
this weekend.
Can I help you move?
I'm really good at it.
Afterwards, I'll take the cardboard from
the boxes and use it for break dancing.
I'll go, too.
Really?
'Cause an hour ago
you told me you'd rather watch a
sex tape of your grandparents.
Shut up. I don't have anything else to do.
Do you want help or not?
All right.
See you guys later.
I think that that's really, really sweet,
that your grandparents still make love.
(GRUNTING)
Ready to go?
Yes.
Your keys, please.
(LAUGHS) You gotta
be kidding me. I'm fine.
Well, we'll let the chart
be the judge of that.
What are you, 5'11", 210
pounds, three whiskeys?
Looks like you are just over
the line into impaired.
You carry that with
you all the time?
It comes in handy.
And on the back, it teaches
you how to play blackjack.
Swansons have a preternaturally
high tolerance for alcohol.
My old man used to put Wild
Turkey on his Corn Flakes.
I'm not gonna argue with you, Ron.
We're just gonna sit and wait
until, you know, you're safe to
drive, which would be in about
one hour.
"Insurance is a side bet when you
wager half of your original bet
"because you believe the
dealer has a 10 in the hole."
(HONKING)
Get off my car,
woman!
Twenty minutes.
The dealer really has an advantage.
That's what I get the most from this.
Hey, Ron.
Morning, Leslie.
Did you have a good night?
I did. I watched a really good...
What is that?
This is what
I did last night.
After I got home, I drank
six more glasses of whiskey
and then I finished
crafting this small harp,
using a band saw, a spoke shave and
an oscillating spindle sander.
(PLAYING HARP)
Beautiful.
But wait, there's more.
Here are some photographs
of me drinking the whiskey.
You'll notice I'm holding up
yesterday's newspaper,
so you can tell
that I'm not lying.
I feel like
I'm in a spa.
So, I got my truck all cleaned out
and ready to go for tomorrow.
Do you have, like, furniture pads and dollies?
That sort of thing?
Ooh, I thought
the mover supplied those.
I'm not a mover!
I'm a sap who owns a truck.
Don't talk about yourself like that.
And bring some coffee.
Hey, are you moving out?
Have you told Wendy how you feel yet?
Waiting for the right time.
It's right now.
The time is now.
Just don't worry
about it. I'm fine.
Hmm.
What's that over there?
ALL: Mmm!
Holy cow.
Yeah.
Wow.
That is good stuff.
Great, right?
Oh, my God.
They're amazing.
They're more than amazing.
They are terrific.
Terrific's not more
than amazing, Jerry.
No? Well, it's not less.
Everything Sweetums makes
is off the charts.
I like their
candy fingernails.
I can't believe these
things are healthy.
It's not that crazy.
Krackel bars, also healthy and delicious.
No, they're not.
Yeah. They actually
have rice in them. So...
Andy, you're fine,
but you're simple.
Who just put 100
of these in their body?
Ann! Oh! Look at you!
You're looking pretty unhealthy today.
You might need one of these,
NutriYum, by Sweetums.
(SINGING) If you can't beat
them, Sweetums!
I love that song.
Ow!
I need to go
check my e-mail.
We're gonna sell these
in the park now.
They're healthy!
Holy God. No, they're not,
they're terrible for you.
No, they're not. There's a picture
of Lance Armstrong on there.
Yeah, but look at the ingredients.
"High-fructose corn syrup, corn syrup."
There's only eight grams of fat.
Yeah. Per serving.
A bar is four servings.
Well, people seem to enjoy them.
Look how happy everybody is.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah, that's
a sugar rush.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
They're gonna crash soon,
and it's not gonna be pretty.
Yeah, I'm gonna crash soon, too.
'Cause I've eaten, like, 40 of these.
Oh, God!
ANN: Generally, I like to stay
out of other people's business.
But Pawnee is the fourth
most obese city in America.
The kids here are beefy.
They're just husky, big-boned,
plus-sized chunk monsters.
I call them like I see them.
Leslie?
Yeah?
Let's get some
almonds in you, okay?
Okay.
Get it.
I can't open them.
(EXCLAIMING)
Back to work.
I hate it here.
This place is evil.
I think these are the only two films
that say "Sweetums" on the label.
Yeah, well, let's take them both.
We might find something interesting.
Here, just let me stick
them under my shirt. No.
Just walk out.
They have sensors!
Just check them out.
It's free.
Hey, Marci.
Leslie.
Are they finally teaching you
Parks people how to read?
Oh, I guess not.
It's a movie.
You're pretty cocky for someone whose job
is obsolete because of the Internet.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Let's see.
(BEEPING)
MARCI: Hmm. You seem to
have a $40 late fee
on a book called (LOUDLY) Mysteries
of the Female Orgasm.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Ann, grab the movie!
Go, go, go, go!
Punk-ass book jockeys!
(SENSOR BEEPING)
So, you guys all good with the
Sweetums concession-stand deal?
I can go ahead
and sign off on it?
You betcha.
Actually, no.
No. We are worried
that the energy bars
that they're gonna sell
are grossly unhealthy
and they're misleading people
about what's actually in them.
No, we're not worried about that.
We're fine and we sign off.
Paul, can I have
a sidebar with Ron?
I guess.
Sidebar, Ron. I did some research,
and NutriYums are terrible for you.
I don't care.
We're doing it.
That's a...
We're in a sidebar.
Do you not care about
your city's health?
I care about the people's right
to consume whatever they want.
Paul, can you and I
have a sidebar?
No.
Okay. I think maybe we
should hold a public forum.
That way we
won't be liable.
There's no point.
It's a home run for the city.
No, I think she's right.
It's a good cover-our-ass move.
Let's do it.
Paul!
Leslie, why must you stick your
nose into everyone else's business?
Sidebar, Paul. Ron's upset because
I didn't let him drive last night.
Stop sidebarring.
Somebody's grouchy.
MARK: You said
it was just odds and ends.
It is, yeah.
And some furniture.
And the plasma TV.
You haven't even
folded up the boxes yet.
Dude, Deep Blue Sea.
Greatest movie ever made.
That's the Canadian version,
22 extra minutes,
and there's a bonus audio track where
LL Cool J raps all his dialog.
What? We're watching
this right now.
Yes!
Pop it in!
No, no, no!
We should really pack this
room up and get moving.
So, this is a really big
room I need packed up, guys.
MARK: This is your bedroom?
TOM: No, it's a spare room
I converted
into a walk-in closet
lhome fitness center.
What is that?
TOM: Oh.
I strapped an MP3 player to one
of those floor cleaning robots.
I call him "DJ Roomba.
" Little guy cruises around and plays music.
What's hot, DJ Roomba?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
TOM: DJ Roomba,
tearing it up!
He likes me.
(LAUGHING)
Let's dance for a little while, Mark.
What...
NutriYums energy bars
are just absolutely loaded
with high-fructose corn
syrup and fatty oils.
And any way
you slice it,
they're just extremely
unhealthy for you.
RON: Leslie needs
to butt out.
The whole point
of this country is,
if you want
to eat garbage,
balloon up to 600 pounds and die
of a heart attack at 43, you can.
You are free to do so.
To me, that's beautiful.
(SIGHS) Any questions?
If sugar is so bad, how come
Jesus made it taste so good?
Yes?
But isn't all
food bad for you?
I've been eating
lasagna and muffins
every day of my life
for 40 years
and I feel terrible.
ANN: Right.
What's so bad
about corn syrup?
It's natural.
Corn's a fruit.
Syrup comes from a bush.
Oh, boy.
How do we know
you're really a nurse?
I am, I promise.
I work at Saint Joe's.
Well, the point is, my
friend thinks you're cute.
Give me your number
so he can have it.
Yeah,
that's not gonna happen.
Can I have your e- mail address?
Oh, my God.
I just got on AOL.
No!
I think we ought to
throw those bars out
and eat
ham-and-mayonnaise sandwiches.
That's not a good idea.
Ham and mayonnaise!
That's not...
No.
Ham and mayonnaise!
No, no, no, no. ALL: (CHANTING)
Ham and mayonnaise!
Ham and mayonnaise!
Ham and mayonnaise!
Oh, God. I can't believe
you do this every week.
I'm actually encouraged.
The questions were
more relevant than usual.
Yeah. I need to order the brown
Timberlands in a size eight, narrow.
How much is
the next-day shipping?
And, what's two-day
shipping?
Yeah, I'd like to place an order
for one pad thai, chicken,
and no scallions
on it, please.
Just for one person,
yeah. Just one.
Yeah, I saw Mark carrying, like, three boxes.
That dude is strong.
Whatever.
I'll carry five boxes!
Go get 'em, champ!
Okay, Donna.
Where do you want this?
Uh-uh. That's it.
My baby has
a delicate suspension.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not. Move.
Put it in your truck, Brendanawicz.
There's plenty of room.
TOM: Hey!
Ah! My pocket squares!
Sorry, Shoelace. We don't make
NutriYums for dogs. Yet.
ANNOUNCER: NutriYums. Where
nutritious meets tasty. By Sweetums.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
I guess that
about says it all.
LESLIE: You know,
it doesn't, actually.
I think we should watch
another video right now,
one that your company
made 30 years ago.
I'm Nick Newport,
president of Sweetums,
giving you a look inside
our corn syrup factory.
This is all-new,
high-fructose corn syrup,
a miracle product that's sweeter
than sugar, but cheaper to produce!
Cheap, delicious, sugary corn is
currently being used by farms
to fatten up
their cows and pigs.
Look how fat
those cows are!
Fat, happy and docile,
the way we like them.
So, you still want to claim
that corn syrup is healthy?
Corn syrup is natural, and
it's fine in moderation.
But don't take
my word for it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Nick Newport, Jr!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
All right!
(LAUGHING)
What's going on?
Yeah!
How you doing?
Yeah! Yeah!
That's what
I'm saying!
My kids,
Denver and Dakota!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Come on down, guys!
(ANDY GROANING)
(APRIL GIGGLING)
I just wanna get...
That's good hose water.
Don't get my shoes.
Hey, what's up, guys?
You come to help Tom move, too?
Too late! We already
almost got all of it.
No, we just
thought it'd be funny
to see April
doing physical labor.
(EXCLAIMS)
It's been
an awesome moving day.
I got the little robot
to play Dave Matthews.
(SINGING) Little baby!
What's he talking about?
DJ Roomba.
What?
All right.
Back to the grindstone.
Awesome seeing you,
dudes.
See you.
Later, bro.
(ANDY LAUGHING)
Hi.
Hi.
God, this is so weird.
It's, like, end of an era, huh?
It's kind of sad.
Yeah, we'll still
be friends.
Yeah.
Well, hey,
you guys must be starving.
You want me to order you
pizza or something?
Oh, that'd be great, yeah. Okay.
Why don't you get some Canadian bacon
on it, since you're from Canada.
Mmm-hmm.
And sausage, 'cause I
am brown and spicy.
(LAUGHS HUMOROUSLY)
Okay, all right.
Well, I will see you around, I guess.
Yeah.
Right?
I'm around.
I'll see you around.
Bye.
Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Wow. Mr. Newport, Jr.
, thank you so much for coming.
But don't you think that every
person has a right to know
what they're putting in their bodies?
Right, everybody?
MAN: Is Shoelace here?
Where's Shoelace?
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
Shoelace couldn't make it.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
But I do agree
with this nice lady.
That's why I say we should
let the people be the judge.
Denver?
Everybody!
Check under your seats!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Look, look!
I got chocolate!
(ALL CHEERING)
Denver,
you little son of a bitch.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Mmm.
There's no pizza left?
Sorry, Jer. Too slow.
Do you want my crusts?
Here, take this.
Nobody even told me
the pizza was here.
(THUDDING)
Jerry!
You stepped on DJ Roomba!
(GRUNTING)
That was an accident.
TOM: You killed him!
I built him myself.
He was like a son to me.
Okay. Time to vote.
All those
who would like
the bloated corpse
of the government
to keep running
the snack bars
at taxpayer expense,
raise your hands.
That seems like
an unfair phrasing.
And all those in favor of letting
this heartless corporation, Sweetums,
stuff your children with
sugary crap, raise your hand.
(RON LAUGHING)
Thank you, everybody.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
I can't believe this.
You know what?
We did our job.
We informed the public.
That's all we can do.
MAN ON PHONE: I'm sorry, man.
There's nothing we can do.
Are you serious?
Look, we'll get it fixed
and I'll see you Monday.
I just got off the phone
with my new landlord.
Apparently, there's been
some sort of gas leak
and I can't move into my
place until Monday now.
Are you telling us
we have to unload this
and move it
back in the house?
No, I can't put it there.
I promised Wendy I'd be out of here tonight.
I got it.
Everybody go home, pack away
my stuff in your own houses.
Then on Monday,
pack it back up,
meet me at my new place,
unload it there.
(TOM SIGHING)
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Come on, guys.
See you, Tom.
Bye.
ANDY: Later.
Hey, bro, wanna go
get our grub on?
Totes, bro.
Wings and brews!
Why are you guys
talking like that?
Just chillaxin' like
your new bro, Andy.
Yeah. Wanna play
some Hacky Sack later,
maybe listen to
Blues Traveler?
Okay. I'm leaving.
We're just kidding.
Let's go to dinner.
I'm not hungry.
And you guys
aren't being funny.
DEREK: Why are
you being weird?
We make fun of people like that.
That's what we do.
You know,
for a gay couple,
you guys
are being really gay.
NEWPORT JR: I said, "Of course I remember you.
You're Chastity, right?"
(MEN LAUGHING)
RON: Leslie!
Even though I didn't invite
you, you came here anyway.
I respect that, because you made
a choice as a free American.
What are you eating?
RON: I call this
"turf and turf."
It's a 16-ounce T-bone
and a 24-ounce porterhouse.
Also, whiskey and a cigar.
I'm gonna consume all of
this at the same time
because I am
a free American.
No cigars inside, sir.
Fine. I will smoke
the entire thing outside.
Even though it is bad for
me, I am going to do it.
Why is he being
such an ass?
It's a long story.
(GROANING)
It's freezing outside, so I
will not be smoking this cigar.
But rest assured, I could if
I wanted to, because this...
This is America,
right? Is it?
May I speak with you,
please?
Look, I don't know if you're
being a jerk on purpose
just to prove you have
the right to be a jerk,
but either way,
you're being a jerk.
So, here.
Take the booze chart.
Are you kidding me?
No.
If you're gonna drink, you should use it, okay?
I'm gonna head out.
By the way, maybe it's
none of my business,
but if you eat three pounds of
steak every day, you're gonna die,
and although I've already
written your eulogy,
and it's incredibly touching, I would
prefer not to give it for a while.
The first line,
by the way?
"O Captain! My Captain!
Ron Swanson, a swan song."
Yeah, and it gets
better from there.
April! April!
You wanna watch me rollerblade
in the parking lot after work?
I'm pretty awesome.
I used to be really good.
That was, like, 70 pounds ago.
I can't.
I'm kind of busy.
Oh, that's lame.
Tomorrow?
Maybe. I don't know.
Okay. Bye.
(YELLING)
Just kidding!
I don't fall!
(CHUCKLES)
I...
What are you eating?
I didn't have time
to have breakfast.
I'm gonna toss these
in the dumpster outside.
And I don't wanna see you
digging around in there later.
I am sorry.
I have been a horse's ass.
And that is the end
of what I have to say.
Apology accepted.
Put a coat on.
It's freezing outside.
TOM: (IN EERIE VOICE)
Jerry! Jerry!
This is the ghost
of DJ Roomba.
Why did you kill me?
I'm gonna
haunt you, Jerry.
I'm gonna follow you
and play the Black Eyed Peas
on a non-stop loop!
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)