Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 14 - Leslie's House - full transcript

LESLIE: And it's because
of you, our teachers,

that every one of these recreation
classes in this catalog

shines like a jewel
in Pawnee's beautiful crown.

Unfortunately, due to
budget constraints,

this year we will have to remove
five jewels from that crown.

Excuse me?
Are you cutting our classes?

Yeah. The city took away
$1,000 from our budget.

So, I'm very sorry.

How will you decide
which classes to cut?

By attendance
and student evaluations.

So, just make sure your
students leave with a smile.



My class is called "Coping
with Terminal Illness."

Hopefully your
attendance is good!

Actually, no,
hopefully it's bad.

LESLIE: Nobody's more upset
about this than me.

I've been taking these rec center
classes since I was in high school.

It's where I learned hair braiding,
and how to make biscuits,

and French kissing.

The French kissing was just from
a boy in my biscuits class,

but either way,
lesson learned.

Oh, my God!
You have never been to Carnival?

I want to go!

We have to get
tickets in February

to go to Rio de Janeiro,
Leslie Knope.

Okay.



LESLIE: I am on a date with
Justin in Indianapolis.

We've only been
out a few times,

but every one of
them has been amazing.

Cheers.

Last time,
we had a private tour

and cocktails at
the Indianapolis Aquarium.

That fish over there kind
of reminds me of my mom.

Why?

It's just being
really withholding.

Justin is definitely the most
interesting guy I've ever dated.

All I did was
a little paperwork.

He's being modest,
it is thanks to him

my family remains
in this country.

And it was all pro bono.

Oh, Justin.

You've got to try this.

Oh, that's really good!

Isn't it great?
It's camel stomach.

Is it?

I'm teasing, I'm teasing.
It's chicken.

Would you like to
try the camel stomach?

No.

This is me.

So, when am I
gonna see you again?

Oh!

You know what, I'm gonna
be near Pawnee on Tuesday.

Excellent, yeah.
I'll plan something exciting.

In fact, our date in Pawnee is gonna
blow Indianapolis out of the water.

All right. I'm gonna
hold you to that.

Good! You better.
I will!

I've racked my brain and I can't
come up with one exciting idea.

I mean, he once
ate fried cockatoo

with a member of
the Thai Royal Family.

Well, maybe just
have him over

and cook him some chicken and
tell him it's Pawnee cockatoo.

A dinner party!
That's genius.

I'll invite all my most
interesting friends over,

we'll have this
big rambling party.

No, I actually meant more
like a one-on-one thing.

I know what you meant, but I took
your idea and I made it better.

It's called
a think tank, Ann.

What is?
Our lunches.

Our lunches are
like think tanks.

Okay, I want you to
come over to my house

at 2:00 and
help me get ready.

And make sure that Mark is coming.
So much work to do!

You're my best friend.
Now, get out of here!

How many courses
will there be?

Three.
Hmm...

Four. Not including dessert.

So, five courses.

Yes. Now, it will
be five courses.

If I wanted to bring a large
number of deviled eggs,

but I didn't want to share
them with anyone else,

can you guarantee
fridge space?

Just be there at 8:00.

Oh, hey, Tom! I'm having an
A-list dinner party for Justin.

And you, out of
all my friends,

come from the most
distant and exotic land.

South Carolina?
(CHUCKLES)

Save it for the party.
Can you make it?

For Justin?
Are you kidding? I'm there.

Just don't invite any
boring people like Jerry.

JERRY: What are you guys talking about?
Nothing.

Don't worry about it.
What?

Leslie. Hey!
Hey!

Check it out.
Just practicing.

Isn't that polish gonna get on
people's butts when they sit down?

(CHUCKLES) No.

Okay, listen.
I'm having a party Mmm-hmm.

And I thought maybe
you could help me

with serving and taking
people's coats.

I'd pay you,
like, 10 bucks an hour.

My guardian angel! I would love to!
Who's going to be there?

Really fun people.

Ron, Tom, Mark and Ann.

(CLEARS THROAT)

That's great.
What's the occasion?

Justin is coming
into town.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, it's me, Justin. Take my coat.
But please, be careful.

I got it from the king
of Africa when we were

walking on
the Berlin Wall together.

Really, Justin?
What instruments do you play?

Actually, he's a pretty
sick keyboardist.

Good. I'm good to go.
That sounds great.

Great. All right.
I'll see you there.

Afternoon, Andy.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi, Kyle.
You know, right before you sat down,

I noticed, did you
have some kind of stain

on your ass, or something?
What was that?

What?

No, no, no. You're good.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, Ann.
Hey!

Welcome to my house,
for the very first time.

I know! I can't believe
you've never had me over.

Now, I can believe it.

I know, I know.
It's a little messy.

But I have a system.

So, I just need you to help me put
the finishing touches on everything.

This newspaper's
from November, 1986.

Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra!
Don't throw that out!

I think I need to
call Child Services

and have Leslie
taken away from herself.

(EXCLAIMS)

Leslie, don't take
this the wrong way,

but your house is like
a crazy person's garage.

What do you need this birdhouse for?
Can we get rid of it?

I might need it.
What about this one?

Well, if two birds
come along?

Leslie.

Andy's gonna come over soon, he
can help us with all this stuff.

Andy? No. No, no, no.
You need a team of professionals to help.

I have an idea.

Hi, is this
Maria Portlesman

from "Organize Your Life,
with Maria Portlesman"?

April, come here.
What?

Shake my hand.
Why?

I can't tell if I've
exfoliated too much.

I don't want to
creep Justin out.

I want him to
respect my handshake.

Why do you care
about him?

Justin is hip. Pawnee
is the opposite of hip.

People in this town are just
now getting into Nirvana.

I don't have the heart to tell them what's
going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Hey, Justin.

Ew!

It's like touching
raw chicken.

Damn it. Gonna have
to re-foliate them.

I'll need some help moving
the boxes, but it's doable.

Oh, thank God.
How much do I owe you?

Please. No charge.
I just appreciate the chance

to demonstrate how valuable my
class is to the rec center.

And I hope you'll
keep that in mind.

Oh! No, no,
I insist on paying.

No, no, I insist
on demonstrating.

This is not gonna
affect my decision at all.

Oh, of course not.

Stop winking.

Hey, Leslie, I forgot to ask you.
What are you cooking?

Five courses.
Of what?

Huh?
Of what?

Oh, God.

So, how's it looking?
It smells great.

Okay, the appetizers
are almost ready.

And I think that they are
a very good sampling

of what my level
one class does,

which I hope
you'll keep in mind

when you're
making your decisions.

Tania, like I said
over the phone...

I know. It won't
influence your decision.

It's just that learning to cook is
very important in this day and age.

Is it?

LESLIE: Hey, Andy.
Hey!

Are you gonna be
all right, tonight?

What, 'cause of
Mark and Justin?

They are just guests at a
really awesome dinner party.

And I will
treat them as such.

That sounds very professional.
Thank you.

I promise I will not
spit in anyone's food,

unless they should
request that I do.

Good.

Did I do this right?
I don't know.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, Mark.
Hey.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Well, thank you. Whoa! This is way
cleaner than the last time I was here.

You've been
here? Right.

When was Mark
here before?

Oh! Sex.

MARK: I can't wait to
talk to Justin again.

Last time he told me
about how he snorkeled

with whale sharks
in Madagascar.

That was after I told him that I
sometimes go swimming at the Y.

Oh, thank you, son.

Leslie Knope. I believe you've
arranged accommodations for these.

Yes, I have.

Hey, Ron Swanson.

You didn't happen to
hear about the incident

with Mayor Gunderson's
dog, did you?

Oh, my God.
It was a blood bath...

No, no, no! No talking.

Everybody stop talking until Justin gets here.
Don't use up your stories.

Well, I think somebody from Animal
Services is gonna get canned.

Oh, my God. What part of not
talking do you not understand?

Please, have a good time
and shut your mouth.

LESLIE: I just want this
dinner party to go well.

There are very few things
I've asked for in this world.

To build a new
park from scratch.

To eventually
become president.

And to one day solve
a murder on a train.

I think it's fair to
add this to the list.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Guys, Justin's here! That's Justin.
Everybody start talking.

(SIGHS)

Hey!
Hey.

Hi.
Sorry I'm a little bit late.

That's okay.
Welcome to my very interesting party.

Andy Dwyer! Can't wait to
catch up with this guy.

All right, Justin.
May I take your coat, sir?

Why, yeah. Thank you.

I can't wait, I'm gonna get to hang
out with all your friends tonight.

I know, it's gonna
be super fun.

It's gonna be a blast.
Really, really, just like the best,

most exciting night of your life.
I cannot over-hype it enough.

All right. Let's get started!
Okay! Good. Yeah.

What's up, J?
How you doing, man?

How are you? Justin.
I have the swine flu.

Oh...
No, she doesn't.

Yo.
Yo.

Is that Justin's coat?

Oh, yeah. Isn't it awesome?

He got it in Cambodia, when
he was hiking Mount Everest.

Let's put chewed up
gum in his pockets.

That's genius.
But I can't.

Leslie's being
super cool to me,

and I can't screw over
her boyfriend's jacket.

I'll do it when you're
not in the room then.

That would be terrible.

I'm being sarcastic.
That would be awesome.

God, India is so amazing.
Let me tell you something.

That is my absolute
favorite place to travel.

Where did you say
your parents were from?

The south part.

The southern part's always
the best part of anything.

Have you ever been to the Kaniman
Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu?

Are you kidding?
My uncle practically runs the place.

I've prayed there.
It's sick.

Tell me everything,
right now.

One sec, I just got to
hit the loo,

as those bastard British
lmperialists would say.

(CHUCKLING)

The last time I was in India,
I was eight years old

and I stayed inside the whole
time playing video games.

I got to bone up.

Fourth largest coal
reserves in the world.

This is the best Old
Fashioned I have ever had.

Where'd you find
this bartender?

Oh... I think...
I don't know.

Like, maybe
the Yellow Pages.

There's no way that
you're paying him enough.

Well, if you want, I could teach
you the secret to great...

(SHUSHING)

ANN: Leslie.
Ann, get over here!

I'm here. Already.

Good. Okay, do you think
this party's going well?

I mean, can you see Justin?
Is he having fun?

Justin is over there
talking to Mark. Happily.

Okay, good. Yeah, good.

I'm just gonna
casually make my...

So my face is
literally on fire,

but it's this weird chemical,
so no one can see the flames.

I'm dancing around,
freaking out.

I end up having to dunk my
face into a bucket of sand.

Unreal!
Unreal!

Oh, my God, that is unbelievable.
Oh, my God, that's...

Isn't it, Ann?
Unbelievable.

Didn't happen to me.
It was a kid I knew from camp.

But a great story's
a great story.

Well, plus, the kid can't
tell it, his mouth melted.

Dinner is served!

Oh! Excellent!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey. I'm sorry.
Are we late?

What the hell
are you doing?

How could you invite Wendy
when Ron's here?

He's gonna wrap her up in his
moustache and take her home.

We agreed that we should invite
interesting people for Justin,

and Wendy is
an interesting person!

I've been telling you for weeks that
you should tell her how you feel.

Now's your chance!
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

No, it doesn't!
Not cool, at all!

He'll get over it.

No, I won't.

The first course is
a Mexican bean soup.

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Are these peppers
for consuming?

I wouldn't.
They're very hot.

I'm gonna give it a try.

Hot.

You're very brave.

Please, that was
one of the tiny ones.

(SINGING)
This is how you eat it!

RON: Don't do that, Tom!

(EXCLAIMS)

This is something, Justin.
Derek and Ben are gay,

but often, on occasion, April
will have relations with Derek.

Right? Crazy stuff.
Discuss that.

There's not much more to discuss.
You kind of explained it all.

Who else is gay?

Tom, I need your help.
There was a lull. I saw Justin yawn.

Please tell me
that yawning is a sign

of excitement in
India or something.

Tom, focus! God, you're no help.
(SCREAMS)

Yes, just to be clear, this
will in no way influence me.

It won't affect my decision.

And it has no bearing
on the future of your class.

Hey, little buddy! Everything okay?
That took a long time.

Poor Tommy. He has
a very frail colon.

I feel your pain, brother.

The hottest thing I
ever put into my mouth

was in this remote village
in Southern Brazil.

This sounds good.
Yeah.

They take a little bit of
scorpion poison and they serve...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I wonder who that is.

Who could that be?
JUSTIN: More people?

A belly dancer?

What?

(EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

It's weird, but she
just showed up.

I mean, I'm not
the kind of person

that's gonna
throw someone out,

or, you know, not let them in
if they randomly show up.

I don't know how
they all got here.

You know, people hear about a
killer party at Knope's house,

they all come running.

You don't do origami
every day, do ya?

They brought in a little
entertainment, thank God.

That Justin,
he's so boring.

What are you talking about?
He's incredible.

Yeah. He's not gay,
but if he were,

I would totally break
up with Ben for him.

Yeah, I would understand.
He's amazing, right, April?

Right, April?
Don't we love him? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. He's actually
kind of awesome.

You're underage.

I could lose my liquor
license, I'm sorry. Andy.

Hey. Are you having fun?

All I can say is, this is
not what I was expecting.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I cannot believe
there's more.

There's not.

Miss Knopes,
I understand that you're

currently evaluating
the rec center teachers.

You're doing what, Leslie?

I demand an evaluation.

Okay. What course
do you teach?

When it comes to choosing
accounting software,

there's no accounting
for taste. (LAUGHS)

The advantage
of QuickBooks Pro

is that it's easy to assemble
a list of vendors...

Well, this is great.
I'm heading home,

so as not to have
to be here anymore.

My office,
first thing tomorrow.

Yeah, I think we're probably
gonna take off, too.

The demonstration
takes another 45 minutes.

Yeah, guys, please.
Everybody, can you just stay? Okay?

Justin, would you...

Oh, my God.

I promise you, Miss Knope, this
disciplinary committee will go over

every detail of what
happened last night.

And we will determine whether you
are guilty of abusing your power.

Do you have anything to say
before we begin?

Just that I am looking forward
to the truth coming out.

I would like to say
that Leslie is incapable

of using people
for her own gain.

Thank you, Tom.

But I can't, because Leslie loves
using people for her own gain.

If I may, Phil,
I'd like to say

something to
Tom on the record.

This has all
been on the record.

I'm very sorry that I
invited Wendy to the party.

Is Wendy one of the teachers?

No, she's my
soon-to-be ex-wife.

And hopefully-then-to-be
future-wife.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I put a new romance in front
of an old friendship.

Okay.

I put a beautiful man in front
of an adorable man-child.

You're ruining it.

I put a big white stallion in
front of a little brown pony.

Totally uncalled for.

Ron Swanson will be next.

When it comes to
government hearings,

the only type of witness I
enjoy being is a hostile one.

That's why I intend to answer
every one of their questions

with a question.

Were you aware that all of
the entertainment and food

was provided by
rec center teachers?

Would I have
stayed if I knew that?

I don't know,
would you have?

Would you have?

No. I wouldn't have.
Did you hear Leslie make any promises?

What constitutes a promise?

A quid pro quo.
Oh!

Do you know Latin?

Okay. Thank you, Ron.

Are we done?

Can I get a shine?

Oh. No. I'm sorry.
We're closed, due to betrayment.

Well, I'm sorry. But I don't
know what you're talking about.

Why don't you ask your new
best friend, whose name is

Justin.
Justin?

Yes.

I would.

But he's probably too busy cleaning
gum out of his coat pockets.

Wow. Unbetrayed.

So, you don't work for the
government and you had no idea

that these people were teachers
from the local rec center?

No. I was simply attending a
dinner party at my friend's house.

Why is he here, Miss Knope?

That will become clear.

Mr. Anderson, could you
please describe that evening?

Well, I had a very
pleasant time.

And from my perspective, there was no
abuse of power with respect to Miss Knope

and any of her
various guests.

LESLIE: Could you
define pleasant?

Did you have a good time?
Did you have a great time?

Be specific, and do remember
that you're under oath.

I had an amazing time.

But you fell asleep.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
You know, look,

(STUTTERS) I'd been given
a case the night before,

so I had to stay up all night working
on it and I didn't want to cancel.

You should've told me.
I would've rescheduled.

Are you kidding me?
I was looking forward to it.

I had an awesome
time which had nothing

to do with
the rec center teachers.

No further questions.

Okay. We're going
to take a break,

and we'll let you know what
we decide in about an hour.

Great. I will see you later.

I'm in the middle
of official business,

so I can't talk
about it right now.

Okay. Okay.
But, yes, yes, you will.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, did you get that?
He said amazing and awesome.

So, I'm gonna drive up
and see him next weekend.

There's some Kabuki theater
festival happening.

Great. You're so relaxed.
You're not freaking out about this at all?

Okay, Leslie.
We've reached our decision.

We're not going to take any
further action at this time.

Thank you.

It really helped that you asked
for this hearing yourself.

And that you made financial
restitution out of your own pocket.

But I think we both know
you skirted a line here.

You turned
yourself in? Why?

Well, I did something
wrong, and I felt bad.

So, this morning I donated
$1,000 to the rec center,

so everybody could keep
teaching their classes.

Okay, so why did you
ask for the hearing?

Are you kidding, Ann?

It's every girl's
dream to ask a dude

how their date went
under penalty of perjury.

I'm not proud of my actions.
But the most important thing is,

there is now an official
government document

that proves my
dinner party kicked ass.

Tommy Hav.

J Train!
What's up, brother?

This might be
none of my business,

but you need to
ask Wendy out.

For reals, this time.

Did Leslie tell you...
No.

She didn't need to.
I saw it.

I'm not gay, but you're the most
incredible man I've ever met.

That doesn't
sound gay at all.

See you around.
Take care.

Bye, brother.

You sure you don't want to
come hang out for a minute?