Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Set Up - full transcript

Potential problem.
The previous owner of Lot 48, Norquist Properties,
is claiming the government screwed them
by illegally seizing the land.
I know about this issue. I called the city attorney, like, 50 times.
He didn't call me back.
Oh, do you need a lawyer?
Because my friend Justin's a lawyer. I'm sure he could help.
Oh, that'd be terrific.
Yeah. I'll call him.
Justin's the greatest guy ever.
"The greatest guy ever"?
But does he dress this well?
Brooks Brothers. Bought it right off the mannequin.
Ron Swanson?
That's me.
My name is George MacFayden.
I wanted to talk to you about the amount of snow in the parks.
I've been getting a lot of visitors recently,
thanks to a stupid and worthless new push
to make government officials more accessible to the public.
There is a disturbing lack of benches
in Ramsett Park! I want to sit more!
And another thing I like is the layout of the hiking trails.
I made this in one of your pottery classes. It's terrible.
This is my hell.
- Hey! - Hey!
Alright. So Tom, here's your Chicken Caesar salad.
No dressing, no cheese, no croutons, no taste.
And no carbs.
- And for you, madam, the Leslie Knope. - Thank you.
I can't believe the cafeteria named a sandwich after you.
- They're so cool. - Mm-hmm.
Salami on pumpernickel with olive juice and extra iceberg.
It was the only sandwich on the board that wasn't named.
I just wish I'd liked it.
So how are you feeling about the whole Dave situation?
Aw, I realy miss him.
Yeah, I'm just trying to enjoy the memories.
- Aw, that's a sweet picture. - Oh, isn't it.
I asked the polive department if I could have it and they said no,
so I stole it.
I have an idea. Why don't you let me set you up?
Oh, I don't know. It feel a little too soon.
I'm telling you, this is the best way to get over someone.
Just... get back on that horse.
Yeah. Maybe.
I feel sorry for Leslie.
It's really hard to end a relationship because of distance.
Although that's pretty much why I broke up with Andy.
He lived way too close to me.
Wow, 12:15! You're early today.
April, there's no paper in the printer.
So?
So that's the one thing you do.
Ugh.
Attention. April stop doing that.
Jerry told me to, so it's super crucial.
More important than that and more important than anything
in this godforsaken world is finding me an assistant.
You get an assistant now?
Yeah, I've always been able to have one, but I've turned it down
'cause it's a waste of money. In the eight years I've been at the job,
I've saved the taxpayers of this city more than 150 grand.
But now, I need the taxpayers' money
to save me from the taxpayers.
Post this at your college.
This looks like an ad for nothing.
Please be careful with it, it's my only copy.
Leslie? Ann's friend, Justin.
Oh, hey, yeah, of course! Hi!
Thank you. Thank you for coming in.
It's my pleasure. Not a problem.
Have a seat.
I should warn you, land seizure isn't really my specialty,
but I'm happy to take a look. Any friend of Ann's...
Is a friend of mine!
That's my motto, too. So, what is your specialty?
Is it locking up the bad guys or keeping them on the streets?
Uhm, neither. Civil litigation, mostly.
That's interesting.
It can be. I've got this crazy case...
Have you ever heard of this product Fire in a Can?
Ah, I love those commercials!
If you wanna start a fire but you have to do it fast, then--
Yeah, well, you shouldn't buy it. It will literally burn your hand clean off.
- Oh, wow. - Mmm-hmm.
It is an aerosol can with an igniter and a trigger.
It's essentially a blowtorch, and if you can believe it,
it was invented to warm up baby bottles.
This is my colleague, Tom Haverford.
Tom. Justin.
How are you? You are wearing the hell out of that suit, sir.
Banana, two-button.
Okay. Let's go into the conference room.
- I've got everything laid out. Tom stop. - We should talk later.
You are very organized, Leslie.
Yeah, I am. Thank you.
I love what you do. You have the coolest job.
Let me guess. This is our park.
I want to know everything about this.
Oh. Okay. Well, these green things represent trees.
I come in, like, two hours late
because I had to finish watching Swimfan because it was on,
and everyone, like, jumped down my throat.
Oh, man.
I can't wait till my internship is over
so I can get the hell out of here.
Well, you're all set.
Free of charge, of course.
Hey, why don't you sell your band's CDs here?
That is a brilliant idea. I cannot believe I didn't think of that.
I have been writing a lot of songs about shining shoes lately.
I tend to write about what I'm doing.
Talking about writing about what I'm doing
Now I'm singing about talking about writing about what I'm doing
Of course I'm gonna have to take a closer look at these things but
my gut's telling me that this is not gonna be a big deal.
Companies make bogus claims like this all the time.
I think you're gonna be just fine.
Thank you so much. I know you're really busy.
Please, my pleasure.
At least this stuff is interesting, you know?
You know, it actually reminds me, two years ago,
I was in Borneo officiating a wedding,
and this enormous medicine man showed up
and he was there to basically tell... - Justin!
- Hey, kiddo! How you doing? - Hey!
I'm good. I haven't seen you in forever!
I know! It's so good to see you.
You, too. Do you want to grab some dinner?
Uh, I would love to. I cannot. I am swamped.
You're always so busy.
Yeah.
- Next week, I promise. - Okay.
Hey, I'm Mark.
- Oh, sorry! - Hey, Mark.
Justin, this is Mark. This is the city planner.
Oh, my God! It's such a pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure. - Pleasure.
Anyway, Leslie, I have to go. It has been a super pleasure meeting you.
I am gonna get into this over the weekend,
and I will get back to you on Monday about it.
- Okay. Great. - All right.
- See you, Justin! - Okay, Tom. Good seeing you.
I've been thinking. It has been a while since Dave left,
and I think I might be ready to start dating again.
That's great!
You know, I was only with Mark for one night,
and then I was hung up on him for six years.
I dated Dave for three months, so if I continue that pattern,
I won't be over him for...
Five hundred years.
What is your ideal man?
He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.
Interesting. That's uh, ### weird ###.
Okay. Just off the bat,
there's a couple of doctors I think you would love.
Actually I was thinking...
What about Justin?
I mean, I feel like we kind of hit it off in there.
N-no, I don't...
I just don't know if that would be the right...
- Fit. No. - No?
There's something wrong with him?
No, no, he's great. He's really, really, really great,
and you're so great, obviously.
I just... I don't... I don't know.
- It's hard. I can't-I can't put. - What is it though?
- I don't know. It's just. I don't think it would be. - I think it would.
- No? - I really don't.
- I'm sorry. I don't-- - Don't be sorry. I mean if you think
it wasn't gonna work or...
But I will find you someone, I promise, and he'll be awesome.
- I'm gonna go do it right now actually. - Great, good, great, yes!
Go, Ann, go! Oh, just one rule.
I don't want to date a twin, 'cause I've been tricked before.
Okay.
Yes. I understand your complaint.
I have to go now. Please. Thank you.
Ron Solo!
Hello, Tom.
Okay.
I want to help you with your assistant search.
Why?
Just want to do my boy Ron a solid.
I know exactly what you're looking for,
and I will find you a reliable person.
Okay. Sound good.
How do you know that was a member of the public and not just a friend?
Yeah, my friends know that I have a strict no call policy.
Now get out there and find me an assistant.
Okay.
I left you three messages. Did you get them?
No, I've been running around all day. What's up?
I found the perfect guy to set you up with, but he's going out of town,
so he can only do tonight, so I came over here right after work.
- Is that his blood? - What?
Oh, damn, now I have to go back.
- Who is he? - His name is Chris
and he's an MRI technician,
and he's really cute, and he's very passionate about his job,
and I told him all about you, and he's really interested.
So, dinner tonight, and here's the info.
Thanks! Wait! How's he gonna know it's me?
I'll wear a red rose in my hair.
No, I'll wear a giant red hat.
No, I don't have one of those. What should I wear?
It's gotta be red.
- I will just tell him what you look like. - Good call.
Hi. I'm Leslie. Are you Chris?
- Yeah. - Sorry I'm late.
Oh, don't worry about it. You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, here, let me take your coat.
- Thanks. - Sure.
Well done, Ann.
- I actually heard that. - What?
Well, I went to Wisconsin for both undergrad and grad school.
Go Badgers!
Boo! Indiana Hoosiers!
No. Badgers.
Oh.
It's not important. I'm just
glad that we could make this happen.
Ann kept going on about how wonderful you are,
and I just had to see for myself.
Well, she's my number-one best friend.
I wish she'd told me that you went to Indiana, but whatever.
So, you're in charge of amusement parks, right?
God, that's exciting!
Actually, it's regular parks.
Like swings and slides and stuff.
Strike two.
You know, isn't it funny how these setups are always just so awkward?
Why would you say that?
I don't-I don't know.
They're not. Forget it.
Way to go, Chris.
- Did I just make it awkward? - No. No. You didn't.
Well, yeah, you kind of did.
Let's just start from the beginning, I guess.
Hey, watch this.
I will now extinguish this candle with my bare hand.
Okay.
- That really hurt! - Are you okay?
Oh, God! It looked so much easier on the Internet.
God, I gotta borrow some of your ice!
Oh no thanks. I'm not thirsty.
What?
German? Oh, my God.
All right, later.
- Was that, uh, Justin? - Yeah. We're having lunch tomorrow.
- How long have you known him? - Ugh. Forever.
He practically saved my life. He was, like, the only cool dude at my high school.
Awesome.
Did you guys ever date?
No. We never did.
He's just, like, a really amazing person.
Let's do this!
- Yes. - Marley and Me!
- Let's do it. - Puppies, puppies, puppies!
I know. Let's watch Marley and Me.
Brian.
Technically, you'd be assisting Ron,
but Ron really doesn't do much government work,
so you'd really be working for me.
I see your resume here.
Education: Excellent. Awesome professional experience.
But I don't care.
I'm interested in real world expertise.
I got a nightclub opening to go to. Which tie do I wear?
I like the one on the left.
That was a trick question. The answer's this one.
I didn't even know that one existed.
I had high hopes when I saw your plumbed V-Neck.
But those hopes have been dashed. You can leave.
Did you ever see that movie The Matrix?
- Yeah. - 99% real.
So, do you enjoy it, being an MRI technician?
Great question. Someone steps into the room.
Imagine a mother of three, maybe she's a teacher.
She knows something's wrong,
but she doesn't know what it is.
She's scared.
In less than an hour, I know what it is.
What's wrong with her?
I don't know.
But the best part about being an MRI technician is,
I can see inside everything.
See that guy over there? Imagine being able to look inside his head.
- Wow. - I know.
I mean, you could look inside this steak or you could look inside this butter
or the potatoes or this candle or this beer or this flower or this bread.
You can look inside anything.
Well, if you look inside this bread,
all you're gonna find is more bread.
I don't know. I'd have to do an MRI.
Look.
- Just bread in there. - Yeah but what's inside that bread?
Could be cheese.
Anyway, it's good that you found your calling.
I mean, I've never even had an MRI before.
What?
I don't know about this.
Well, I'm offering you a free scan.
It usually costs up to $2,000.
I'm kind of spoiling you here.
Well, I am a little curious.
Good.
Frankly, I don't want to invest in someone
who only has three months to live.
Oh.
I'm treating this as an adventure. Who knows, maybe some day
we'll tell our grandkids about how weird our first date was.
And how creepy their grandfather was.
Try not to smile too much. It'll effect the diagnosis.
Well hopefully there will be nothing to diagnose.
Sometimes smiling is read as AIDS.
Oh, you're not on your period, are you?
No. Does that matter?
Well, not for this.
Okay. It's gonna be a little crammed in there.
Don't worry, I'll be right on the other side of that glass.
Scenario: I meet a girl at a bar.
She seems kind of into me, could go either way.
I get her number, it's two days later, what do I text her?
"It was nice meeting you."
No, Zack! I don't text her, "It was nice meeting you."
I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What's cracking?"
Your resume is very impressive.
Tell me about you. Tell me about your friends.
Be as superficial as possible.
Just your basic assistant stuff.
Taking messages, wake-up calls,
Bottle service at The Snakehole Lounge, condom runs,
Covering for me at any legally dicey situations.
I'm sorry. What do I get out of this?
Connections. Plus 19 grand a year,
minus my 10% headhunters' fee.
I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?
I have a job to offer.
In the immortal words of Rod Blagojevich,
"It's a (fucking) valuable thing. You just don't give it away for nothing."
Alright Leslie, you're gonna start hearing some loud noises
and see some flashin lights.
Okay.
So you never told me where you're from.
- I'm from Pawnee. - Keep still, please.
And you said that your mom works in Government too. Is that right?
- Yes she does. - You got to keep still. No talking, Leslie.
What kind of music do you like?
Can I answer that?
Sure. Keep still.
All kinds.
Very important that you keep still at this moment, Leslie.
I've told you that a thousand times.
Did you ever break your arm?
You can answer that. Here, I'll turn it off.
One time I was on my bike and some boys were making fun of me,
so I chased them and I lost control.
I'm surprised you can see that.
It was, like, three years ago.
I can't believe I turned the machine off for that.
You never had any kids, right, Leslie?
No.
You've got a great oven.
Okay, time to go.
You got ample room in there.
Honestly, if you wanted to,
you could go triplets right off the bat, Leslie.
You got a big, industrial-sized oven.
So we're done, right?
Sorry. I gotta get that.
Hey! How's the date going?
Good! We just finished the MRI.
What?
Look, I know I said that I wanted to get back out there,
but this guy is nuts.
I don't mean to offend you, you know, I know he's your friend.
No, I'm not offended at all. I don't know him that well.
Why would you think, he would be perfect for me then?
Well he seemed great.
I'm sorry, Les. I'll find you somebody else, okay?
Just don't let this sour you on dating.
I think what you're doing, is very healthy.
So keep the faith. Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Hey! No cell phones!
- Don't touch that! - Sorry.
Just take your hands of it.
What was that about?
I set Leslie up on a date.
I don't think it's going that well.
Oh, no. With Justin?
Oh, no. This guy I know from the hospital.
Why wouldn't you set her up with Justin?
I don't really see them together.
You know? Plus, Leslie just got out of a relationship,
so I didn't want Justin to be, like,
her rebound guy or anything, you know?
Yeah, that makes sense.
Leslie is a notoriously cruel and thoughtless person.
Why are we talking about this?
We're not.
- What do you see? - Well actually it looks pretty good.
You've got a large brain.
Thank you.
Yeah. Well, it looks pretty...
Hang on.
That's weird.
What? What's weird?
Your brain.
See that shadow right there?
- Oh, my God! - What? Is that bad?
I don't know. I'd have a doctor look at that immediately
if I were you.
Are you serious?
Oh, wait.
Oh.
It's, like, a smudge or something.
We almost wheeled you out of here in a chair.
- Should we go? - Yeah. We should go.
Imagine if you had spent rest of your life
sipping a steak through a straw.
That almost happened to you. You were a smudge away.
Thank God I was here.
Looks like we make a pretty good team.
I'm sorry, but there's just something weird
about the way you talk about him.
I don't know. There was definitely times when we thought
maybe we would go out someday.
That's why you didn't set Leslie up. Because you're saving him.
No, I'm not.
Oh, yeah, you are.
Okay, fine. You don't have someone in your life that you think,
"I don't know, maybe if things were different, maybe, some day..."
If I'm late for dinner one night you're gonna dump me for Dustin?
- No, no Justin. - Justin?
Absolutely not. But if we break up or...
you... die tragically in a city planning accident
and I'll wait respectful amount of time. I don't know, maybe?
You know what?
You can't save somebody for the future
while you're in a relationship.
Even I know that.
So, did you want to go back to your place?
Yeah, actually, Chris,
it was nice to meet you, but I think this is gonna be our last date.
I get it. Get your MRI and get out, huh?
This was your idea.
Clever lady.
I guess I'm not as good a tech as I thought I was.
I should have noticed that you're missing a heart.
- Ew. - Goodbye, Leslie.
Right. I drove us here. Goodie.
Hey, do you mind if we pick up my son Nate
at his basketball game on the way back?
So how was the big date?
Well the good news is, I don't have cancer.
The bad news is, I got an MRI bill for $2000.
Oh. That sounds hot.
I just don't understand why the hell Ann thought
we will be a good fit.
- Ooh you slept together? - What? Not sexually.
God what's wrong with you, Tom?
Is it bad time?
No. Come on in.
- Justin. - What's up brother.
- Should we? - Yeah. Let's do it.
- See you, dude! - See you later, brother.
I have the same one. In a extra small.
Andy. Can I talk to you for a second?
Well, well, well. Look who's bothering who now.
Seems like the shoe is in the other foot.
And the guy who polishes shoes is now me.
Whaddup? What can I do for you?
When you were dating Ann, did you know this guy Justin?
Oh, Justin? I hate Justin.
Ann was so obviously into him. It was so annoying.
Right.
I would say, in terms of guys that she's in love with,
Justin's up here, I'm up here, and then you're down here.
Well, I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't crazy,
so, naturally, I came to you for reassurance.
Do me a favor. Don't tell Ann that we talked about this.
Will do.
Ann Perkins! You should be ashamed of yourself.
What you're doing to Mark is not cool.
Why are you guys talking to each other? You know what? Forget it.
- I'm not getting into this with you. - You did something wrong?
- No! I didn't do anything wrong. - Yeah.
Come here. This is none of your business.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Actually, I do know what I'm talking about.
Every time I used to sit around
all afternoon playing video games
wearing only my slippers, all of a sudden,
I would start to feel bad about myself,
and do you know why?
Didn't you just explain why?
I would feel bad about myself because
I would start to think about this perfect guy.
Anytime you would talk about Justin,
I didn't feel very important.
That was rough.
Well, I didn't know that.
Maybe if you had, I wouldn't have left.
But you do know now, so you have to choose.
It's either me or Justin.
I'm not gonna choose.
- Wait. I'm dating Mark! - Are you, though?
- Yes! - Ah! That close.
Wow! This is really good. "Cease and desist."
"Burden of proof."
Very forceful language. I'm a little scared.
Check out paragraph two. I drop the F-bomb.
"Frivolous."
Excellent.
Definitely have the city attorney look at that,
but that should be enough to do the trick.
Well, Justin, I just... I can't thank you enough.
It's my pleasure. Maybe I'll see you around sometime.
Yeah! I would love... Mmm-hmm.
- I'll see you. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Damn! He is all right.
Why don't you hit that?
Well, frankly, I would like to hit that,
but Ann's being a little weird about it.
Maybe she's got him on hold.
What do you mean?
Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant, and he's dope.
His name is Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio!
Big T.
- What up? - Mr. Swanson, two things.
One, it is an absolute honor to meet you.
Two, who is that hot intern chick out there?
Because honestly, damn!
- Take a seat. - Right. Here we go.
So, Jean-Ralphio...
You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.
Why do I want you as my assistant?
For starters, access to the illest clubs.
And that's just for starters. I will work for you.
I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family.
I'm here when you get here in the morning.
Sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night.
Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?
I think our only question is, when can you start?
Right now, let's do it!
Thank you for coming in. We will talk.
Cool. I feel good about this.
And, you know, you can hit me up on Facebook anytime,
day or night. You know that, right?
- Take care, buddy. - Boom.
So what do you think of your new assistant?
I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.
What? Okay.
Message received. I'll keep looking.
Thank you. Bring me the opposite of him.
Tell me what Ann did wrong, please? I need to know.
Nothing. It's none of my business.
What kind of music is this?
It's rock and roll, my friend.
The kind that sticks in to your brain. Loud,
fast, smooth, handsome rock.
That band is really blowing up right now.
They're number one on iTunes.
Okay. I'll take one.
You are amazing! I like when you hang out here.
I want to be your assistant.
Really? You hate it here.
So do you. I'll make sure you don't have to go to any meetings.
If anyone comes to see you, I'll scare them away.
Wait, April, if you had to choose between these two ties...
You're hired.
I just figured I might as well get paid for being here.
- Hi. - Hey! I was just calling you.
Here.
This is a prescription for Denise Dogan.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I'm so out of sorts.
Here.
Porter's Grill at 7:00.
Justin's gonna meet you there.
I'm sorry Chris was such a jerk.
You deserve way better than that.
If this situation is weird or if you feel weird...
It's not weird.
You guys will really like each other.
Thanks.
I gotta run. I have another stop
on the pride-swallowing tour of City Hall. - Go get him.
That's where I never find things.
Hey.
Hi, Ann.
So, I just set up Justin and Leslie.
And I'm sorry.
I rented District 9,
if you maybe wanted to spoil that for me tonight.
Oh, my God!
Dark ending, right?
I'm back on the horse, and this horse is a lawyer,
so I'm looking forward to riding him.
No, wait.
Ten months ago,
she was an intern who could give a C-R-A-P about local government.
Now, she's our newest employee. To April!
- Cheers! - Cheers!
Yay!
Jerry, come and celebrate!
No, thanks.
Well, everybody, let's get back to work.
Where are you going?
I want to talk to Ron about the size of my desk.
Jerry, you have to schedule an appointment.
Okay. How about now?
Ron's not here.
He's right there. I can see him.
I'll let you know when he's available.
Attagirl.