Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - Christmas Scandal - full transcript

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

We now go live to
Councilman Bill Dexhart,

who's giving a press
conference about his sex scandal.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You are getting a rare glimpse at this
exclusive, government-only event.

Each December, one
department puts on a show

that spoofs what
happened in our town.

Prepare to laugh your Asnov!

(LAUGHING)

Sid Asnov is a former city councilman.
Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

Councilman Dexhart, you're
involved in yet another scandal?



That's crazier than Mayor
Gunderson's dog, Rufus.

Yes, there is a new one,
and it's a doozie.

I don't want to go into the
details, but let me just say

that it involves multiple
women, a love child,

nurses, rabbis, priests...

APRIL: Hey!

Well, I hope you can all join
me at my fundraiser tonight.

I am being supported, of course, by the
Glitter Factory and 1-800-Mattress.

(LAUGHING) Classic!

(SINGING) Pawnee is a city
that ain't very pretty

And good government
is our goal

We may not be big
And our mayor wears a wig

But at least the raccoon
infestation is under control

ALL: It's the most
wonderful time



in Pawnee

LESLIE: Lot 48 was once a
horrible and disgusting pit,

and now it's the site of
Pawnee's Winter Wonderland.

This could not be more perfect
if I had planned it myself.

Which I did.
And it's awesome.

So, let's talk skedge, guys.

The kids are gonna come at 9:00 a.
M. on Saturday,

and everyone's gonna do
Santa for two hours,

so I would just
advise everyone,

before you get
in your costume,

to go to the bathroom, so we can
avoid what happened last year.

It was just farts.

6:00 p.m., caroling
with the youth choir,

and I am proud to announce, for
the first time ever this year,

our tree lighting ceremony will
be simulcast on Internet radio.

Thank you.

That's a really big deal.
It is. Thank you.

Listening to that tree
lighting is gonna be dope.

Okay. Any questions, direct them to me.
Dismissed.

Hey, there was a message
for you on the work voicemail.

Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9:00 p.
M., the Boardwalk Lounge.

Shut up.
No.

I'm not scared.
I got nothing to apologize for.

I could've been a lot harder on him.
He got off easy.

And often. Thank you,
I'll be here all week!

You gotta tell me about him.
I don't know anything about him.

Okay. He's 23, he's kind
of my boyfriend, he's gay.

Last year we got drunk and he took
me to the Ice Capades,

and I didn't
get him anything.

And he's gay?
Yeah.

Brokeback Mountain DVD.

No.
Fellows love that.

No. Does he already
have, like, chaps?

Like assless chaps?
You know what? Forget it.

Okay. Why are you asking me?

Because... I don't know.
There's no one else to ask.

At least you're
kind of young.

All right, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna think about it.

Through the course of all day,
I'm gonna mull it over.

It's all I'm gonna think about,
but you're in good hands.

I'm gonna come up with
something really, really good.

Really? All right.
Yeah.

You got that?
Yeah.

Councilman Dexhart?
I'm Leslie Knope.

DEXHART: Thank you
for meeting me.

It's my pleasure.

I am assuming this is
about my performance

in the Government
Follies last night.

I'd just like to say that I
have nothing to apologize for,

except for perhaps
being too incisive.

I don't want
you to apologize.

I want to know
who told you.

Who told me?
Mmm-hmm.

Nobody.
Nobody told me nothing!

What are we talking about?

Based on that skit,

I know you heard about the new
scandal that's about to break.

Who told you?
Was it the babysitter?

Was it the nurse who
delivered our love child?

What?
All right, stop playing dumb.

You know damn well
what happened.

I got the babysitter
pregnant,

then when she was in the delivery
room, I had sex with not one,

but four nurses
in a supply closet,

as well as a woman whose husband was
getting a liver transplant. Mmm.

Now, which one of them told you?
Was it the liver lady?

Well, I... No one... I haven't...
I haven't heard any of this,

ever, in my whole life.

Oh!

Believe me, I would
have remembered this.

Okay. Well, in that case,

everything I just told you
was just a funny prank.

(LAUGHING)

Oh! Hi!
How was your meeting?

It was fine.
Pretty straightforward.

Short meeting.
He's a busy guy.

Yes, very busy.
Look at this article.

No!

What the...

The story of this story is that
it won't stop developing.

The mystery woman who met with
Councilman Dexhart last night

appears to be a government
employee named Leslie Norp.

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

According to unconfirmed
reports in the Pawnee Sun,

the two bent an elbow
at this local watering hole,

and although they
left separately,

no one knows where
they woke up together.

Perd Hapley,
Channel Four News.

All I did was write and
perform in one amazing skit.

Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun.
It's a tabloid.

Nobody else has
written about it.

Yeah, no one
believes that garbage.

Nobody even reads
that thing.

Leslie! What?
Nice work, girl.

Oh, God! How do I fight back?
Give me some options.

Do you want me to
seduce Perd Hapley?

How would that help?

I don't know. I just
want to see if I can do it.

April, I appreciate that, but
I don't think it's something

worth losing
your virginity over.

Leslie, I don't know
if this is important or not,

but I have heard a lot of very,
very interesting chatter

around the shoeshine
stand today.

Oh, my God! Really?
What have you heard?

A lot of things.
Like, "Can you believe it?"

and, "The Parks
lady boned Dexhart,"

and, "Of course she did,
she's totally good to go."

And one guy was like,
"I wouldn't hit that."

And the other guy
was like, "Me neither."

And then this third
guy was like, "I would."

So I don't know if
that's helpful at all.

Well, keep your ear
to the ground.

Okay. I'll just...

I'm not gonna let these people intimidate me.
I'm gonna do my job.

I would be lying if I
said that I never thought

I would be involved in
an incident like this.

Except I always assumed that
I would be the politician

and the man would be accused
of sleeping with me.

And that man would be the vice president,
and I would be the president.

Okay, all right.
Well, you look good.

You need to put
some tights on, though,

and I want you to make sure you
keep your neckline nice and high.

Leslie Knope?
Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun.

Can I ask you
a few questions?

Don't say anything.

I'm not afraid to say anything.
Okay? I have nothing to hide.

I'd never even met Councilman
Dexhart before yesterday,

and that's all I'm gonna
say about the matter.

Some people are saying
this isn't the first time

that you've had sex
with a married councilman.

Who's saying that?
Some people.

Okay. This
interview is over.

MARK: Go home, lay low.
The truth will come out.

I can't! I have
too much work to do.

This department is not gonna
deputy-direct itself.

I think we can manage.

Just give me your schedule
and we'll cover for you.

Okay. I've made copies of
Leslie's daily work schedule,

so we'll just split into teams,
and each team will take...

(MUTTERING)

Damn, 10 items,
and we'll knock this out.

I swear to you, I never even
met the guy before last night.

It's okay.
I believe you.

You do? 'Course.
I think I know you pretty well,

and that doesn't
sound like you.

Thank you.

If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna
punch him right in the face.

(LAUGHING) Yeah, that's sweet.
Use your nightstick.

RON: Which meeting is this?

Reorganization of
Local Auditing Systems.

Kill me. Right.
First order of business.

Leslie? Where's Leslie?

Oh, um, I gave her the day off, Paul.
Thought that was best.

Oh, yeah. That's good.

So you'll be making
the presentation then, Ron?

Yep. Yes.

Hey, so, (CLEARING THROAT) that kind of brings
us to what I wanted to talk to you about.

I... You know my
Army reserve unit?

We got called up to active duty.
I ship out in four days.

Oh, my God!

Where you going?

San Diego.

Oh, my God!

It's not dangerous.

It's mostly maintenance.
But I'm going for, like, a year.

Maybe 18 months.
And I was kind of hoping

that maybe you'd
want to come with me.

Like, on a permanent
type basis.

Well, I don't know, it's
kind of a weird question.

I mean, I joined to put
myself through college,

and it's...
I'm just a desk jockey,

but it's still...
It's rewarding.

So, yeah, I guess I'm
in love with the Army.

Oh, Leslie? Well, yeah. Yeah,
that makes a lot more sense.

Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie.
That's affirmative.

I know this seems kind of fast, but
I feel like we got something here.

I do, too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

You don't have to
answer right away.

Well, you kind of do.
I mean, I need to know soon.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Wow!
Yeah.

Are you gonna go?

This whole Dexhart thing is not making me
feel very attached to Pawnee right now.

San Diego. Jeez.
Yeah.

You could learn
how to surf.

I know how to surf.

I took lessons when I was a kid.
I'm actually pretty good.

I bet you are.

I would miss
Leslie like crazy.

Aw!

All right, sorted out that
payroll issue, this is done.

"Bring a case of beer
to Sanitation." Why?

Let's skip that one.
They can buy their own beer.

I'm getting hungry.
Let's get something to eat.

Hey, have you figured out what
you're getting Ann for Christmas?

Oh, I got her a pretty
great computer bag.

Yeah?
That's a terrible gift.

No, no, Tom, she needs one.

She mentioned it to me two
months ago, and I wrote it down.

That's what's called
being an amazing boyfriend.

Have you seen Ann?
You know how hot she is?

Men give women of that caliber speedboats,
private jets, not computer bags.

Okay. What do you
think I should get her?

Diamonds. Can't go
wrong with diamonds.

Diamonds?
There isn't a woman alive

who doesn't love diamonds.

Even the super left-wing chicks that
saw Blood Diamond and cried,

when they get a diamond,
they're like,

"Yeah, bitch, give me more
of them blood diamonds!

"Make them extra bloody."
Trust me.

We are here looking at a videotape.
This is back in April 2005.

We're looking at Councilman Dexhart...
Leslie, you should see this.

And he's now about to shake
hands with Leslie Knope,

the alleged sex toy.

Oh, for cripes sake!

Look at the way she's smiling at him.
Mmm-hmm.

And then almost unconsciously
touching her hands to her hips.

See that? Right there.

It's like she's sending him a message
that she's ready for childbearing.

Wow. LESLIE: In a
24-hour news cycle,

the tiniest story gets
dissected over and over again.

In 2004, a kid from Pawnee
went to the Olympics,

and it was reported on
for over a year.

He wasn't even
competing or anything,

he just was going, literally,
to watch the Olympics.

It was way too easy
to get this guy here.

Councilman Dexhart,
this has gone far enough.

I want you to hold a press
conference and clear my name.

Mmm... No, thanks.

Why not?
What's in it for you?

To be honest,
being linked to Leslie

is a lot less damning
than the real story.

You're like
a glass of whole milk.

What are you, Lutheran?
I love Lutherans.

Councilman, with all
due respect, get a grip.

If you don't hold
a press conference,

I'm gonna come forward
and tell the whole story.

DEXHART: It won't
do you any good.

Take it from me, denying
only makes things worse.

Listen, I gotta go.

I'm expected at two
different maternity wards.

But before I go, I'd be
remiss if I didn't ask.

Should we?

Oh, my God!

People already
think we did it.

You've got nothing to lose.
I'm very good.

Get out of here!
All right, fine.

Shoeshine. Shoeshine.
Oh! Hey! Hey.

I've been thinking about
your gay boyfriend all day.

I have got some
awesome ideas.

Okay.

First idea,
spray tan gift certificates.

Ugh. No.

Trip to Germany?
Germany is awesome.

And expensive.

Good call.
I didn't think of that.

Okay, you know how people say
that you should give gifts

that you would want to get yourself?
What would you want?

Easy. Indianapolis Colts'
Reggie Wayne jersey,

number 87, double XL,
home blue,

signed by Reggie Wayne right after he
catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.

Okay. Never mind.
No?

Hip Hop Abs
dance fitness DVD?

We just received
these exclusive photos.

We have pictures
of City Councilman Dexhart...

ANN: My God!
... with Leslie Knope...

I cannot believe it!

The big issue now is,
who is this mystery woman?

She and Knope are standing
very close to each other,

and any time you see two women
standing very close to each other...

Oh, no. No, don't say it.
... you immediately assume...

Please don't say it.
... lesbian.

Oh, of course.
What?

It is a veritable storm of information
coming into the studios here today.

Hi, this is Leslie Knope,
and I would like Joan

to clear all
of her guests tomorrow,

because I'm coming
on the show.

If you think that you can drag me
and my friend through the mud,

then you've got...
Yes, I'll hold.

Unbelievable.
Hey.

What happened?
RON: Got a call

from some panicky
morning joggers.

Apparently, Sanitation
didn't empty this dumpster.

To the raccoons' delight.

I thought raccoons were
supposed to be nocturnal.

Not in this town, sweetheart.
In this town, they're 24/7.

We can't have raccoons
for the Christmas thing.

They'll hunt
the kids for sport.

Fess up, guys.
Who dropped the ball?

"Bring a case
of beer to Sanitation."

"Bring a case of..."

Yeah, this one's our fault, Ron, and
we will take care of this for you.

Okay, good, because I have
to run a public forum,

supervise the maintenance crews, and
teach crafts at the senior center.

Simultaneously.

Joan, I just wanted to say thank you
for letting me be on your show.

I'm really happy that I have
the chance to clear my name.

Well, sure. I see you brought your
girlfriend for support. That's nice.

What? Oh, no.
She's not my...

MATT: And in five, Joan.

She's a... We're...
Four. Three.

You've got it wrong.

Sex. Drugs, possibly.
Rock and Roll?

We'll find out, on Pawnee
Today's exclusive interview

with the woman at the center
of the Dexhart sex scandal,

Leslie Knope.

Leslie, my first question has to
be, when did the affair start?

Joan, I spoke with
Councilman Dexhart

for the first
time that night.

We met for about 15 minutes,
and then I went home, alone,

and that's the whole story.

Well, Leslie, we all saw the
tape from four years ago,

and you were flashing some serious "do me" eyes.
That's just my opinion.

I don't understand
why I'm on trial here.

You should be grilling
Councilman Dexhart.

You know what? That's a really good idea.
Let's bring him out!

(LAUGHS) Councilman,
come on out!

Hi, sweetie.

Why didn't you tell me
he was gonna be here?

I thought it'd
be more exciting!

You look great.

(JOAN LAUGHING)

It's like I'm invisible.

Okay, my name is Ron.
You don't need to know my last name.

Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and
we'll be out of here in a tight 15.

I found a sandwich
in one of your parks,

and I want to know why it
didn't have mayonnaise.

What's so funny?
Oh.

Yeah, I don't think kids should be
allowed on the playground equipment.

Okay. We've been over this.
If you're worried about swine flu,

use hand sanitizer...

I'm not worried
about swine flu.

I already have the swine flu.
I'm worried about the turtle flu.

The turtle flu?

Turtle flu.

Turtle flu.

Joan, this whole Pawnee Sun story
is "gotcha journalism" at its worst.

Honey, let's just keep our private
life in the bedroom where it belongs.

We do not have
a private life!

Stop saying that we
have a private life!

The fact is,
we never slept together,

and if we did,
you would have proof,

and we would
have seen it by now.

Councilman?

I can prove it.

She has a mole on
her right buttock.

What?
That is a total lie.

You've never seen my butt.
What are you talking about?

He has never seen my butt.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I guess it's your word against his.
That's right.

(JOAN LAUGHING)

Fine.

Here, Joan. Why don't
you look for yourself?

Is this happening?

Wait.

There's no mole.
There is no mole.

This exclusive story, there
is no mole on Miss Knope!

I can't believe it's come to this.
This is utterly humiliating.

Well, Councilman?
Care to make a comment about No-Mole-Gate?

Yes.

I really didn't think that Miss Knope
would pull down her pants on TV,

but since she did,

I will admit that the rumors of
our affair are indeed false.

Thank you.
However, I have no plans to resign.

Oh, great. Okay, Councilman.
You know what? You're a class act.

Thank you.

DAVE: I thought
you did great.

When you get all feisty like
that, it gets my heart racing.

Like I'm on a Stairmaster,

except more, like,
in a sexual...

Context.

I can't go to
San Diego with you.

My life is here.
My friends, my career.

I guess I just thought with everything
that happened, you'd want a fresh start.

I know. I really care
about you, Dave. I just...

I love this town.

I'm sorry.

You want your ticket back?

No. You know what?
Keep it.

You may want to
come visit me, right?

There's a $75 change fee, but I could
pay you that, or I could reimburse you.

There's a lot of ways
we could handle that.

(JINGLE BELLS PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh! Oh! That's... (LAUGHING)

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

ALL: Hey!

Honey. Honey, I'm so proud of you.
Leslie Knope!

That took guts,
mooning Joan Callamezzo!

Aw! Honey!
Thanks, Mom.

Oh, God! Is something
wrong with the tree?

No. Nothing wrong.

But it's almost 9:00.
It should've been lighted up an hour ago.

We waited for you.

Okay, everybody.
Count down.

Five! Four!
Five! Four!

Three! Two!
Three! Two!

One! Yeah!
One! Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CAROLERS SINGING)

LESLIE: It's gotten a lot
harder to work in government.

You think Winston Churchill ever had to
pull his pants down and show his butt?

No. But would he have? Yes.

Now, could he have?
Well, maybe not towards the end of his life,

but he would have.

Because he loved his job.

(EXCLAIMING)

Reggie Wayne!

Dude! You remembered me complaining
about my computer bag!

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's perfect.

It's way better than the gift that I got you.
It's Pacers tickets.

Oh! They're not even good seats!
Ugh.

This is awesome!

It's not awesome.

I actually got you
a second gift.

You don't have to come
to this game with me.

You don't have to.

That's the nicest gift anybody's ever...
Is that good?

Gotten me in my life! Yes!
Is that good? Come here.

Oh, thank God!

There's a bunch of messages waiting for you
about a bunch of things I don't understand.

(SIGHING)

Hi, this is Leslie Knope
in the Parks Department.