Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - Tom's Divorce - full transcript

Leslie.
What's up, Ron?

I'm gonna need you to go up to the Bureau
of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor.

We gotta talk ourselves out of this late
registration fee for the Parks van.

Come on. I don't want to
go to the fourth floor.

That is the creepiest
place on Earth.

The fourth floor is awful.

The DMV, divorce filings,
probation offices. Ugh!

They put a popcorn machine up
there just to brighten things up,

but they used
the wrong kind of oil,

and a bunch of people had to
get their throats replaced.

They'll only
talk to you or me,



and I can't go,
because I don't want to.

Okay.

Hey, boo. You're pretty.

Uh... Thank you, sir.

Hey, girl.

Are you on probation?

I got clean urine.
You need female? I got female.

I'm good, thank you.
Hey, you clean? I buy, too.

Order. Order!

Next case. Indiana vs...

I know,
I'm just telling you.

Tom and Wendy?

Popcorn?

So, Tom,



how's everything in
your life, generally?

Amazing. Took a risk.
Bought some shoes online.

Paid off handsomely,
as you can see.

Uh-huh.

And how are your institutions,
that you're a part of?

Ah. You heard
about my divorce?

I saw you on the fourth floor.
I'm so, so sorry.

Honestly, it's fine.

Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and
the guy from Sum 41, am I right?

I don't know what those are.
Look, Tom, stop working.

Whoa!

Would have been nice
to have saved that.

You should've auto-saved that.
Right.

That kind of feels
like your fault.

Look, I've heard your voice when
she calls you on the phone.

I've seen you look at her ass
when she leaves the room.

You love her.

Leslie, I really appreciate what
you're trying to do, but I'm fine.

Look, look at my face.
Are you watching?

I did
a little research,

and divorce is the number two most
stressful event in a person's life.

Of course, marriage is number seven.
So, watch out, everyone.

It's all bad.

We have to step up,
for Tom's sake.

I think Tom seems fine.

Well, that is the problem.

Tom always seems like
Mr. Slickster Cool Guy,

but he's actually
hiding his emotions

underneath a very thick
layer of Axe body spray.

We have to help him.
We are his safe bubble.

She's kind of right.
None of his family lives here,

and all of his friends
are frat guys and morons.

This seems like
none of our business.

Be supportive, okay?

Don't be all, like, "No, I don't want to.

"I am a guy and I like fire and
playing hockey and eating meat!

"No, no, says I!"

That was a really good Ron.

Thank you.

I don't know
how to explain...

Hey, Mark.

The shoeshine stand still doesn't
have that syphilis medication

you were asking about.

Ann, hey!
What a coincidence!

Are you in this office
purely for business reasons?

Pleasure, actually.
My boyfriend Mark works here.

He's sitting
right next to me.

Hey, Andy.

What a surprise, running into you all day,
every day, every single place that we are.

Likewise. Well, I guess
I'll see you guys around.

See you.

Oh! Uh, also, Mark, again,

we don't have those extra-small
condoms you ordered.

I called the factory, it's
gonna take a special order.

Not just because of the size, but
because of the weird shape as well.

Something they've never dealt with before.
We'll talk.

Mark never asked me for any
small, weirdly-shaped condoms.

I made that up.

Every day, I subtly chip
away at their relationship.

Weakening it,
little by little.

Where's Tom Haverford?

For sake.

So, you had a divorce
, of course, of course

And no one enjoys
a divorce, of course

I don't know
what to do, man.

I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie, it's
a green card marriage, I'm fine."

You know, Leslie just thinks
you're a wounded animal,

so her female instincts are kicking in.
Here's what you do.

Act sad, let her pull
the thorn out of your paw

and wrap a bandage
around it.

That'll make her feel better.
She'll get off your jock.

You still can't tell anyone
about the green card thing.

Apparently you can get in
trouble even after a divorce.

Damn the man. Well, hey,
your secret's safe with me.

Thanks, Rondoleezza Rice.

Okay, everyone. The rumors are true.
Wendy and I are splitting up.

Yeah, I'm really hurt.

I'm so sorry you feel
that way, little friend.

Why don't we go out tonight,
hit the town after work, huh?

We'll make it Tom's night.
You can go anywhere you want, our treat.

Oh, I know there's a really fun documentary
about tandem bicycles at the art house.

It's supposed to be
pretty unapologetic.

Or we could go
to a restaurant...

Strip club?
Did somebody say strip club?

No...
Did somebody say strip club?

You did. I definitely heard
someone say strip club.

You just did.
Would the Glitter Factory be okay

with whoever
suggested strip club?

I don't think
that's a good idea, Tom.

There is a great
dinosaur-themed restaurant

in Patterson.
It is called Jurassic Fork.

I have gone there three times
a week for the last 15 years.

Ooh! Dinosaurs, huh?

All right. Sounds okay.

Okay! It's gonna be
a crazy night, guys!

I will see you at Jurassic Fork at 5:45 p.
Yes.

Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork,

where the only thing that'll
be extinct is your appetite.

You ready to order?
Yes.

I will have the Jamaican
Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap.

I'm gonna get
the Tricera-chops, please.

How do you
want that cooked?

Medium roar.

Medium rare?

No, medium roar.

For legal reasons, we're
not allowed to make puns

about the temperature
of the meats anymore.

I'll have
the surf-and-turf-a-saurus,

and a couple of
bottles of wine.

I'm gonna need a lot of
wine, so keep it flowing.

I'm not gonna be
drinking anything.

Just wanted
everybody to know that.

I'm not a big fan
of group dinners

where everybody
splits the bill

no matter what they get.

I ordered
a Tyranna-Caesar salad,

and that's all
I'm paying for.

Hey, check it out.
They got pool.

Mark, you want to
play a quick game?

Finally settle the debate about who's
the better pool player?

I've never had that debate
with anyone, Andy.

Come on, we'll put
a little money on it.

Make it a little
more interesting.

Andy, please.
No, I just figured

because pool is all about angles
and he's a failed architect

that he might
want to play pool.

Let's do it.
Really? That worked?

How to hustle somebody
in pool, by Andy Dwyer.

Step one, find the person you want to hustle.
Invite them to play pool.

Should they accept,
you're in.

Here's what I think
we should do.

Everyone should go around and say
one thing that they love about Tom.

I'll start.

I really wish I could
have your body. What?

Ew! Like, tied up,
naked, in your basement?

No, no. I mean, you're in good shape
and you can eat whatever you want.

Well, that was
weird, Jerry.

Ann, you go ahead.

I think Tom is really nice.

Also, if you guys want to
give me your credit cards,

I'll just divide it up
myself, I don't mind.

Oh, my God!
Don't worry about it.

The restaurant will
just divide it evenly.

Just enjoy yourself.
April, go ahead.

Tom is the only cool
person in the office.

Ridiculous. Donna?

I love you, Tom.
You're my little prince.

I just want to put you in a little cape
and a little hat and just fly you around.

Thank you, Donna.
Hey, gar?on.

I'm still feeling pretty sad.
Can I get two cr?me br?l?es

and another glass
of bronto grigio?

I thought I had Tom all figured out, but
it's almost like he's faking being sad.

Why would he do that?

And that's game.
I think you now owe me $25.

Shoot. Someone had a pool
table growing up, huh?

Hey, no, no. What do
you say we play again?

We'll make it a little more interesting.
Go double or nothing?

Why not?

Step two.

Lose to your opponent intentionally
so they gain confidence.

Step two has been
completed easily.

Very easily.
Mark is pretty good at pool.

So, how are you feeling, Tom?
Are you feeling okay?

I like pretending to be sad.
I now see why girls do it.

So, your arrangement with Wendy,
it really was completely platonic?

Yeah. Never so much
as even kissed,

except for a little peck at the
wedding ceremony for appearances.

Uh, now that you're
getting divorced,

I sort of feel like there may be
some potential with me and Wendy.

Would it be okay with you if I was to ask
her out, once the fake dust settles?

Yeah, why not? Sure.

Looking at her, I feel like she might
be the perfect spooning size for me.

I'm gonna take a leak.

Oh! That would be $6,400.

I accept checks and
most major credit cards.

Yeah!

Mark is way better than me.
I'm gonna...

I'm gonna say that
there is at least a chance

that I didn't think
this through completely.

I think I'm done, Andy.

Okay. Forget money.

We'll play
for something else.

You have nothing
else to give me.

I have a T-shirt I tackled Eddie Vedder in.
It's literally priceless.

Okay, how about this?
If you win, you don't owe me any money,

but if I win, you have to
stop bugging me and Ann.

What are you talking about?

No more comments, no more showing
up when we're hanging out together.

You have to
leave us alone.

That doesn't seem like
a very fair bet, Mark.

So, if I win,
I also get Ann.

Okay, fine. If you win,
then you get Ann.

Rack them up!

Somebody punch someone!

So, how you doing, buddy?
Want some steak? Champagne?

Think of something extravagant
and we'll get it for you.

What do you want?
A cheese fountain? A ruby?

A goose heart?

How about a marriage?
How about a non-divorce?

Tom, I'm sorry.
Maybe you guys just need some time apart,

you know, to remember how much
you care about each other.

Leslie, think about it.
Does our marriage really make sense to you?

She's a tall,
beautiful surgeon.

I'm a short, beautiful government
employeelclub promoter.

You're a club promoter?

Aspiring.

The point is, I
never meant anything to her.

It wasn't even
a real marriage.

Now, the sadness is
pouring out of Tom,

like blood from a pterodactyl
after it's attacked by a T-Rex.

I have to take him to a place
where he can't possibly be sad.

Oh, crap.

We are going to the Glitter Factory.
What?

Not me.
I can't go back there.

But if you see Jasmine,
tell her she can keep Anthony,

but I want
my microwave back.

Okay, good. You're gonna
take April home.

No, I want to go
to the Glitter Factory.

Well, drop out of school and start doing meth.
Let's go, everybody.

Leslie, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but once you go in there, you will
see things you cannot un-see.

I'm a feminist, okay?
I would never, ever go to a strip club.

I've gone on record that if I
had to have a stripper's name,

it would be "Equality."

But I'm willing to sacrifice
all that I've worked for

just to put a smile on your
perverted little face.

So don't blow this.
All right.

Okay! Lap dances are on me.
I mean, I'm paying for them.

They're not gonna actually be on me.
Got it.

I kind of feel like Jane Goodall
studying the chimps, you know?

'Cause there are some
feminist scholars

who say that stripping
is a feminist act.

There is a girl here
that also works at Quiznos.

She's really nice to me here, but
really mean to me at Quiznos.

Okay, Tom, go put these in
places I do not approve of.

Leslie, I'm gonna put these in
places you've never heard of.

Yeah, I've been a little down.
Totally natural. I'm getting divorced.

But now, I'm ready to pull
myself up by some g-strings.

God! It is rough in here.
Is it always like this?

I wouldn't know.
Don't like strip clubs.

Smells like a wet mop
in here.

And I get the feeling that every one of
these women is running a low-grade fever.

You're one
of the good ones, Ron.

Wait a minute.

Hello, beautiful.

Strippers do nothing for me.
I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth,

self-possessed woman
at the top of her field.

Your Steffi Grafs,
your Sheryl Swoopeses.

But I will take a free breakfast
buffet any time, any place.

Tomcat, pull up a mouth.
This buffet is unstoppable.

Yeah, I'm not hungry.

By the way, you're doing a bang-up
job of looking sad about Wendy.

Does she make
scrambled eggs?

No.

Take it down a notch.

You already won
your Oscar, DiCaprio.

Coming on stage
next is Angel. Angel!

Ann, in case I don't sink this, it's
been a real pleasure dating you.

Scratch on the eight!

I'm victorious. I am awesome at
pool and I hustled your ass.

Ann, take a moment
to say goodbye.

I don't even know how to say this.
I am so sorry,

and I will do my best
to visit you on holidays.

Thanks, you tried.

I guess you're his now.

Do you want to
get out of here?

I do. Yeah.

Bye, Andy.

I know that, legally,
Ann is now mine,

but it weirdly
doesn't feel that way.

All right, Tom!
This is Seabiscuit. Sierra.

Sierra. Sorry.
It's loud in here.

And I gave her money to
writhe around on your parts.

Leslie, I don't
want to do that.

Well, I already paid her.

Can I get my money back?
No.

Okay, so let her
do her writhing.

All right.

I just gotta say, Sierra.
I really don't get why this cheers men up,

because it's very insincere
and it's very fleeting.

But go crazy, okay?
Give my friend here the works.

Really grind the sorrow out of him.
You got it.

And then, afterwards, maybe
reconsider your profession,

but for now, grind away.

Whoo!

Stripper dancing action!

This isn't working.
I don't want to do this.

Is it because you have a strong,
positive female figure watching you?

No. It's because
I'm miserable.

Okay. Never mind.

Thank you, Seabiscuit.
That'll be all.

All Glitter Factory
girls, please come backstage.

Tom.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

This is honestly
the saddest I've ever been.

Glitter Bomb!

Ah!

I've been to the Glitter
Factory a million times.

That girl up there,
she's my emergency contact.

But right now,
I hate it here,

and I just want
to see Wendy.

Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel
devastated when something's over.

It's exactly how I felt when that
Planet Earth series ended.

Sixty days. And then she's
free to marry Ron Swanson.

What? Ron?

He's gonna ask her out.
He told me.

But who cares? If it's not him,
it'll just be some other guy.

Swanson! Did you tell Tom that
you were gonna ask out Wendy?

It's complicated.

What is wrong with you?

I wish I wasn't alive
to hear myself say this,

but I am ashamed
to be your deputy.

I don't get men.

If they're not wagering
their girlfriends in pool,

then they're trying
to steal each other's wives.

It makes you question the whole
notion of those bromance movies.

Tom.

Great! Good, okay.
Could you carry him out of here, please?

And, you know, also maybe not
have sex with his wife? Thanks.

From the knees.

He weighs eight pounds.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, boy.
Hi, Wendy.

We took Tom out tonight, and he had
a little bit too much to drink.

Oh!

Okay.
Come on in.

Oh, my God.
You insensitive little hussy.

Excuse me?

Leslie, whoa. Halt.

You're not even divorced yet and
you're inviting other men over?

You were married?

Uh... Technically.
Yeah, that's...

That's my husband.

Who's he carrying?

No. No, that's his...
That's his boss.

My husband's the one that's
being carried by his boss.

How's it going?
Good.

You know what, Wendy?
You and Ron will be perfect for each other.

You two should get married and start a
club for people who betray Tom Haverford.

You have a lovely home.

So, where do you
want this?

So, how you feeling?
Rough morning?

You know those hangover pills
you can order on TV? Mmm.

I threw up a bunch of them this morning.
I feel much better.

I know last night
was really rough,

but all I want for you is to
be able to get over this.

Leslie, I need to
tell you something.

Okay.

Uh... The reason I was
acting weird yesterday

was Wendy and I have
a green card marriage.

Oh, my God,
because you're a Libyan!

No. Damn it.
Wendy's from Canada.

Oh! Oh. Okay.

Wait. Start again.

This...

Hey, Ann. Mark. You guys got a second?
It's about last night.

I hope I'm not gonna have to explain
to you that you don't actually own me.

Of course not.

I never for one second
thought that that was for real.

Look, you don't have to worry
about me bothering you anymore.

You clearly have something going,
and I should respect that.

Okay. If you say "psych" right
now I'm gonna be really pissed.

You remembered how much
I like to say "psych."

But no, no.
This is no psych.

Andy, thank you for
saying all that just now.

Sure.

Goodbye, A-Cakes.
Hello, Ann.

Goodbye, Ann.

Goodbye, Andy.

Oh, oh.

I thought for a second you were
gonna chase after me right there,

but you didn't, and that's okay.
I meant every word I said.

Aw, you like your wife?
That's a bummer.

Does anyone else know
that you like your wife?

Does your wife know
that you like your wife?

I didn't know
until yesterday.

So don't tell anyone.
Don't tell Ron. It's my problem.

How could there possibly
still be glitter on me?

It takes forever to get off.
My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Leslie's sorry She
called you selfish, of course

She just didn't know
the full story, of course

But now that she does
She's sorry, of course

She loves
being your deputy