Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - Hunting Trip - full transcript

It's pretty great having Andy
working in the building.

The guy is so much fun.

His new thing...

Piggyback rides.

Anytime you want.

Piggyback! Piggyback!

Move!

Piggyback. Bam!

Giddyup!

Councilman Howser.
Hello.

- Hello.
- Did you get my proposal



for the possible re-zoning
of lot 48?

I have been busy.

But I think it would be a really great
thing for the neighborhood.

I don't doubt it, but it's really
a question of resource allocation.

I completely understand that.

But we know
that if we want to find the money,

we can.

I'm running late.

I'll walk with you.

See, the thing is,
when we allocate money for Parks...

- Feygnasse Team -

. :: La Fabrique ::.

?pisode 210
Hunting Trip

mpm



lestat78

Just a reminder,
tomorrow's a half day.

Jerry, Mark, and I have to conduct

the annual trail survey

at Slippery Elm Park.

I had the trail survey hats made

to commemorate the trip.

Nice, Jerry.

And if you have
any questions about the details,

feel free to shoot me an email.

The only trails
he's gonna be surveying

are trails of lies and deception.

Ron has a special deal
with the park rangers.

Every November,
they let him use their cabin,

so he can go on a secret hunting trip
with all the guys in the office.

Not all the guys.
He's never taken me.

Fine, all the men.

Ron, let's cut the bull.

I want me, Tom, and all the other ladies
included on your hunting trip.

Hunting trip?

We're doing a trail survey, Leslie.

You're literally listening
to turkey calls.

Is this not rap?

- Come on.
- All right, look.

It's not just a hunting trip.

It's a tradition.

I am really good at hunting.

And I'm even better
at being one of the guys.

It's a work event,

so, legally,
I can't stop you from coming.

This is gonna be so fun!
I'll bring s'mores.

And just like that,

the one tiny aspect of government
I enjoyed

was clubbed to death before my eyes.

April, I need you
to do something for me.

I'm going hunting tomorrow,

so call the State Parks Office
and get verbal confirmation

that our budget documentation is in.

Can I tell you
the 16 tracking number,

or do you want me to write it down?

- Can you handle this?
- You want me to dial a number,

and then read another number
out loud?

Can you handle this?

Well, try. Okay?

And if you do it,

I will name the first turkey I shoot
after you.

Cool.

Ann, ready to bag some birds?

No, but I am ready
to relax by the fire

and get my real simple magazine on.

If you change your mind,
you are now officially

a licensed Indiana hunter.

Gross.

Hello, you have reached
the Indiana State Parks Department.

Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.

- Here we go.
- Here we are.

There's Ron.

It's pretty!
I thought it was gonna be gross.

Holy cow.

It is good to be back!

Sneak attack!

- Damn it!
- I'm the pants king!

- Bow to me.
- Bow. I bow.

I'm the pants queen!

What the hell!

Bow to the pants queen.

When you're out with the boys,
you gotta be ready for a good pantsing.

That's why I have suspenders
that connect my bra to my jeans.

Ron "P. Diddy" combs.

I have to admit,
this place is pretty tight.

May I interest anyone in some chew?

Nice touch.

Let me get some of that.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I would not have pegged you
as a user of mouth tobacco.

I'm full of surprises, Ron.

Man, my stomach's a little upset.

I feel a little queasy.

That might be the chew.
You could spit it out.

I swallowed it.

You're supposed to swallow it?

All right.

Poor little buddy.

That's why they call it chew
and not swallow.

- Am I right, Ron?
- Yes, you are right.

All right, safety basics.

Tell me why it's bad
to look down the barrel of your gun?

Is that a trick question?

No, Donna, don't!
Please.

Rule number one,
do not point the weapon at a person.

That includes your own face.

Now, every year before we go
on our first hunt,

we do a toast, so grab a beer.

To the hunt.

Hear, hear!

And to the hunters.

The only way to defeat the beast

is to find the beast within.

- Pretty good.
- Hear, hear!

Right on!

Ron, your toast sucked.

The traditional toast

is "to the hunt."

And it is said by me.

You all set, Mark?

Maybe we could do mixed doubles.

Boy/girl, boy/girl.

You said
that we were gonna hunt together.

I always forget because you're so pretty
you're not used to rejection.

I have to hunt with Ron.

- Ann, we'll go together.
- Perfect.

I hope you're ready to discuss
some college bowl game scenarios.

Bully.

Can you come here?

- What's up?
- I've been on hold for an hour.

I really have to pee.
Can you sit here

and just listen?

Please? Great.

And if they answer, can you just read
those numbers out loud?

Now here's the female
adolescent turkey.

Could you hear the difference?
The turkeys can.

We do that the first time
one of us hits something.

Cool.

No. You missed it.

Look, Ron, I know this weekend

you were looking forward
to a lot of man on man on man action,

but I wanted to say I'm very grateful
that you let me come along on this trip.

That's fine.

I'm just glad you didn't end up inviting
more of the motor...

What the***?

- What the hell? Give me some warning.
- I saw a quail.

Sorry, man.
You snooze, you loose.

I think this is gonna be a really good
bonding sesh for me and Ron.

Guys love it when you can show them

you're better than they are
at something they love.

Check this out.

I am on hold

with the State Parks Department

I am on hold

so suck on my butt

Nice.

They didn't answer, obviously.

Where is everyone?

- Hunting trip.
- Hunting trip?

Did Mark go?

That's cool.
At least he's not with Ann.

- No, Ann's there.
- God!

How come he gets to do
all the things I want to do?

Go hunting...

Ann...

Maybe a deer will eat him.

That'd be awesome,

but I don't think
that will happen, probably.

You surprised that my breasts
didn't throw my aim off?

Leslie, please.

I don't care that you're a girl,
I just don't like change.

I like the same place, the same people,
telling the same stories,

and seeing who can bag
the most turkeys.

You like hunting with the same people
because you can beat 'em.

100 bucks says I bag
more birds than you.

You're on.

Let's split up.
I do it better alone.

Yeah, you do. See?

Just one of the guys.

Your favorite cake
can't be birthday cake.

That's like saying, your favorite
kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

I love breakfast cereal.

Look, some kind of bird. Let's kill it.
You talkin' to me, bitch?

What were you aiming at?

Nothin'.

I can understand
why people like that.

And keeping one's eyes open

is always a good rule
of thumb around guns.

This is such a great day.

See, at my house I've got a wife
and three beautiful daughters.

But this trip,
it is the one time of year

I get to pee standing up.

I love that sound.

I've been shot!

I've been shot!

Somebody shot me in the head!

My God!

Over here.

Ron, I have your hat.

- Are you in a lot of pain?
- I was shot in the head with a shotgun!

Ron, it's not that serious.

I just need you to stay calm.

I'm just gonna stay angry.
I find that relaxes me.

Ron, we called 911,
and they're gonna send a ranger.

Damn! This is a mess.

The rangers won't let us
come back next year.

We're not gonna think
about that right now.

Can you put him on the day bed

- in the carcass room?
- Day bed?

Is that Donna?

Are you okay?

What is it, your heart?

Are you having trouble breathing?

Someone...

- Here's your scotch, Ron.
- Jerry's here. Here's your scotch.

There we go.

Hey, you know what is great?
Ann's gonna take care of you.

And Ann is the best nurse
in north America.

All right.
There we go.

- What? You okay?
- Did you... Did you shoot me?

What?

There was a bird kind of near me,
and I know you want to prove yourself.

No, I swear I didn't.

I swear to God,
I've never shot anyone.

You better find out who it was.

And then purchase them a coffin

because I'm gonna rip them apart!

Marco.

Polo.

How are you feeling? Are you dizzy?
Are you light-headed?

When I look at my palm,
I see a lady's mouth

french kissing a dog.

Is that normal?

The pain medication
I gave you is pretty strong.

Donna uses it for menstrual cramps.
How many did you take?

Seve... Eight.

But I washed 'em down
with plenty of fluids.

You cannot drink scotch with this!

You're gonna need to purge
right now, okay?

- No, I'm not wasting 20-year scotch.
- Can you open his mouth?

- What?
- Open his mouth.

- Open his mouth!
- I'm not making myself throw up.

Ron, I'm sorry.
We have to do this.

- This is for your own good.
- I'll bite you!

- Open your mouth.
- Leslie, grab his moustache.

Open your mouth.

Get his chest up.

- Open your mouth!
- His shoulders!

The good news
is Ron is resting comfortably.

Is he okay?
Is he gonna live?

I think so.

Although I am hoping
that he has some memory loss.

On a scale of one to Chris Brown,
how pissed is he?

Well, he's very curious
about who shot him.

So if you did it,
just say "I did it".

Come on, person who shot Ron.

I think it's a little weird

that nobody wants to admit
that they shot Ron in the head.

Maybe Ron shot himself.

He has seemed
really depressed lately.

He was shot in the back of the head.

- Right, he loves the back of his head.
- He would never shoot himself there.

It could have been someone else.
Someone not in our group.

You think someone is hunting us?

Man is the most dangerous game.

To the predator.

I did smell something out there,
and it wasn't human.

That was pine trees.

The predator can see heat.

We should cover ourselves in mud.

It could still be out there.

- Did you hear that?
- Actually, I did hear something.

- There's someone.
- I get my gun.

Scare him off.
Shoot over his head.

What's that gonna do?
I'm gonna shoot under its head.

- Don't shoot anyone.
- What are you doing?

Don't shoot!

It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes!

Craig, I got you, dawg!

Don't worry, I'm comin'!

Attention, person
who shot me in the head.

I'm gonna find you
and I'm gonna tear you apart!

Bed. Now.

That man wasn't my brother.

He was my husband!

- How was that? That wasn't good?
- Yeah, you can do better.

- Gimme another one.
- I'm pregnant...

With Josh Groban's baby!

That was good.

You do one.

What do you mean the squirrel...

took the nuts out of the...

Out of that kid's backpack...
And ate 'em?

You have to give me
a reason to spit.

To spit.

- Don't ask me a question.
- I won't. Okay, not a question.

I've lived in Pawnee my whole life.

That is a fact.

A fact about me.

You have...

- Hey, how is he?
- He's, pretty out of it.

- He's talking about you in his sleep.
- Good stuff?

- How's it going out there?
- Terribly.

No one will admit they shot Ron,
and no one saw it happen.

I know what happened.

You do?

I heard about the accident,
and I need to know who is responsible.

I don't know.
That's the problem.

I am.

I shot Ron Swanson.

You shot my Mercedes?

What? No. No!

You can follow my light?
No, not your whole head, just the eyes.

- What month is it?
- November

Why are you taking
the blame for this?

Don't worry about it.
I know what I'm doing.

Just go look after Ron.

So what happened?

Did you forget
to check the entire field?

I find a lot of women have
problems with tunnel vision.

No, I'm an excellent hunter.

How did you end up
shooting a guy, then?

Fair enough.

I was walking in the woods,

and then I tripped
and my gun went off.

- So you forgot to put the safety on.
- No, I always have the safety on.

While I was tripping, I saw a quail,

and I shot at it.

In mid-trip?

No. That's...

Okay, fine.

I got that tunnel vision...

That girls get.

- That's what happened. End of story.
- I think you're hysterical

because of all the excitement,
obviously.

So I'm just not following your story.
All right?

I let my emotions
get the best of me.

I just...
I cared too much, I guess.

I was thinking with my lady parts.

I was walking,
and I felt something icky.

I thought there was gonna be chocolate.
I don't even remember.

I'm wearing a new bra,
and it closes in the front.

So it popped open
and it threw me off.

All I want to do is have babies.

Are you single?
I'm going through a thing right now.

I guess when my life's incomplete,
I want to shoot someone.

This would not happen
if I had a penis!

What?
Bitches be crazy.

I'm good at tolerating pain,

I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

I wonder what they're doing.

Probably making out
on top of a deer carcass.

Super-romantic.

You know, if I gave you a hickey,
it would totally make Ann jealous.

I don't know, I think that would...
That's pretty gross.

Seems kind of weird.

What's weird about one friend sucking
on another friend's neck?

When you put it that way,
it doesn't sound that weird at all.

Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay
boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey,

and it totally made
my gay boyfriend jealous.

Really?

All right...

awesome, I'm in.

I'm gonna go sterilize my neck.

What?

You know, Leslie,
the Super Bowl's in a couple months.

I usually watch it with my brothers.

Maybe you could come by at halftime
and shoot me in the head.

Ron, I'm really sorry
that I ruined your weekend.

Or perhaps next time I'm enjoying
some alone time in the men's restroom,

you could invite yourself into my stall
and shoot me in the head.

Look, if there's anything I can do
to make it up to you...

Sure.
How 'bout you shoot me in the head?

Wait, you already did that!

Hey, Tom, can I talk to you
for a second?

Hold on.
This is amazing.

Now. I need to talk to you now.

Are we finally gonna do this?

I saw you shoot Ron.

Okay, Leslie covered for you,

but I won'tlet her take more crap
from Ron on your sorry-ass behalf.

Okay, for the record, I was gonna
come forward, and I'll do it right now.

But afterwards can we come back here
and talk about us?

Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's
office getting my prostate examined,

you could come by
and shoot me in the head.

Excuse me, everyone.

Ron, I have something to say.

Hang on a minute.
I'm not done berating Leslie.

It wasn't Leslie's fault.

She was covering for me
because I didn't have a hunting license.

- I was the one who shot you.
- You didn't get a license?

What kind of moron
doesn't get a license?

That's reckless endangerment,
my son.

That's a $25,000 fine, minimum.

And probably jail time.

But she covered for me,

and I'm in the clear.

That's right.

She kept her mouth shut,
and now you're in the clear.

- You know, I couldn't let...
- I know.

You did good.

You're a real stand-up guy.

I'm sorry I lost my temper.

It was because I was shot
in the head by a moron.

Dude, Ron, I'm so sorry.

Apology not accepted, moron.

Pants king.

Pants queen.

The turkeys are great.

Welcome back, Ron.

"Welcome back, Ron."

That's terrific.
Thanks, you guys.

Let's eat!