Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - Hunting Trip - full transcript
Leslie tries to prove she can hang with the guys so she invites herself on Ron's annual hunting trip, but things don't go as planned. Meanwhile, April and Andy bond in the office while everyone is away.
And I'm like,
"What?"
It's pretty great having Andy
working in the building.
The guy is so much fun.
His new thing? Piggyback rides!
Anytime you want.
Piggyback!
Piggyback!
Move! Piggyback! Bam!
Piggyback! Bam!
Mark!
Brendanawicz!
Giddyup! Giddyup!
Oh!
Councilman Howser.
Hello.
Hello.
Did you get my proposal for the
possible rezoning of Lot 48?
I have been busy.
I know. But I think it would be a really
great thing for the neighborhood.
I don't doubt it. But it's really a
question of resource allocation.
And I completely understand that.
But you and I both know
that if we wanna find
the money, we can.
I'm running late.
Oh, I'll walk with you.
See, the thing is, when we
allocate money for parks...
Just a reminder.
Tomorrow's a half-day.
Jerry, Mark and I have to
conduct the annual trail survey
at Slippery Elm Park.
Ron, I had the trail survey hats
made to commemorate the trip.
Nice, Jerry.
Oh, and if you have any
questions about the details,
feel free to shoot me an email.
The only trails he's gonna be surveying
are trails of lies and deception.
Ron has a special deal
with the park rangers.
Every November, they let
him use their cabin
so he can go on a secret hunting trip
with all the guys
in the office.
Not all the guys.
He's never taken me.
Fine, all the men.
Ron, let's cut the bull.
I want me, Tom and all the other
ladies included on your hunting trip.
Hunting trip? We're doing
a trail survey, Leslie.
You're literally listening
to turkey calls.
Is this not rap?
- Come on.
- All right. Look,
It's not just a hunting trip.
It's a tradition.
I am really good at hunting and I'm
even better at being one of the guys.
Well, it's a work event, so...
legally I can't stop you from coming.
- Yes!
This is gonna be so fun!
I'll bring S'mores.
And just like that
the one tiny aspect
of government I enjoyed
was clubbed to death
before my eyes.
April! I need you
to do something for me.
I'm going hunting tomorrow, so
call the State Parks Office
and get verbal confirmation that
our budget documentation is in.
Can I just tell you the
16-digit tracking number,
or do you want me
to write it down?
I'll write it down.
Can you handle this?
You want me to dial a number and
then read another number out loud?
Yes. Can you handle this?
No.
Well, try, okay?
And if you do it, I will name the
first turkey I shoot after you.
Cool.
Ann! Ready to bag
some birds?
Nope. But I am ready to relax by the fire
and get my Real Simple magazine on.
Well, if you change your mind, you're now
officially a licensed Indiana hunter.
Oh, gross.
Hello, you have reached
the Indiana State Parks Department.
Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
- All right, here we go!
- Here we are!
- There he is.
- There's Ron!
Oh, it's pretty!
- I know.
- I thought it was gonna be gross.
Holy cow. Ron,
it is good to be back.
Sneak attack!
- Damn it!
- I am the Pants King! Bow to me.
Bow! I bow!
I am the Pants...
I am the Pants Queen.
What the hell?
Bow to the Pants Queen.
When you're out with the boys, you
gotta be ready for a good pantsing.
That's why I have suspenders
that connect my bra to my jeans.
Ron 'P. Diddy' Combs.
I have to admit,
this place is pretty tight.
May I interest anyone
in some chew?
Nice touch, Haverford.
Let me get some of that.
You sure?
- Yeah.
- I would not have pegged you
as a user of mouth tobacco.
I'm full of surprises, Ron.
Oh, man.
My stomach's a little upset.
I feel a little queasy.
Yeah, that might be the chew.
You could spit it out.
I swallowed it.
You're supposed to swallow it, right?
No.
All right.
Poor little buddy.
Why they call it chew and not swallow.
Am I right, Ron?
Yes, you are right.
All right, safety basics!
Donna, can you tell me why it's bad
to look down the barrel of your gun?
Is that a trick question?
No, Donna, don't!
Please!
Rule number one, do not point
the weapon at a person.
That includes
your own face, Donna.
Now, every year, before we go on
our first hunt, we do a toast.
So, grab a beer.
To the hunt.
- Here, here.
- Here, here.
And to the hunters!
The only way to defeat the beast
is to find the beast within.
- Pretty good.
- Here, here!
- Here, here!
- Yeah! Right on! Cheers.
Ron, your toast sucked.
The traditional toast
is "To the hunt!"
And it is said by me.
You all set, Mark?
Oh, I was thinking maybe we could
do mixed doubles, you know?
Boy-girl, boy-girl.
Leslie, you said that we
were gonna hunt together.
Oh, Ann, I always forget because you're
so pretty, you're not used to rejection.
I have to hunt with Ron.
Ann, we'll go together.
Perfect!
All right, I hope you're ready to discuss
some college bowl game scenarios!
Bully.
Andy! Andy!
Can you come here, please?
Yeah. What's up?
I've been on hold
for, like, an hour
and I really have to pee.
Can you just sit here for two seconds
and just listen, please?
- Yes.
Please? Okay. And if they answer, can
you just read those numbers out loud?
- Yeah.
- Okay, thanks.
Now here's the female
adolescent turkey.
- Could you hear the difference?
- No.
Turkeys can.
Boo-la,
boo-la, boo-la!
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!
Boo-la,
boo-la, boo-la!
We do that the first time
one of us hits something.
Oh, cool!
Boo-la, boo-la...
No, no.
You missed it.
Look, Ron, I know this weekend,
you were looking forward
to a lot of man-on-man-on-man action, but
I just wanted to say I'm very grateful
that you let me come
along on this trip.
That's fine.
I'm just glad you didn't end up
inviting more of the motor...
What the hell?
Give me some warning!
I saw a quail.
Sorry, man, you
snooze, you lose.
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!
I think this is gonna be a really
good bonding sesh for me and Ron.
Guys love it when you can show
them you're better than they are
at something they love.
Hey, check this out.
I am on hold with
the State Parks Department
I am on hold,
so suck on my butt
- Nice.
- Yeah.
They didn't answer, obviously.
Where is everyone?
Hunting trip.
Hunting trip?
- Did Mark go?
- Yeah.
That's cool, at least
he's not with Ann.
No, Ann's there.
God! How come he gets to do
all the things I wanna do?
Go hunting, Ann.
Maybe a deer will eat him.
That would be really awesome.
But I don't think that
will happen, probably.
You're surprised that my breasts
didn't throw my aim off?
Leslie, please.
I don't care that you're a girl.
I just don't like change.
I like going to the same
place with the same people,
telling the same stories and seeing
who can bag the most turkeys.
It seems like you like to go
hunting with the same people
'cause you know
you can beat them.
A hundred bucks says
I bag more birds than you.
You're on. Let's split up.
I do it better alone.
Yeah, you do! See?
Just one of the guys.
Your favorite kind of cake
can't be birthday cake.
That's like saying your favorite
kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Mmm, I love breakfast cereal.
Look! Some
kind of bird!
Let's kill it!
You talking to me, bitch?
What were you aiming at?
Nothing.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. I can understand
why people like that.
- Right?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah. And keeping one's eyes open is
always a good rule of thumb around guns.
This is such a great day.
See, at my house, I got a wife
and three beautiful daughters.
But this trip, it is the one time
of year I get to pee standing up.
I love that sound.
I've been shot!
I've been shot!
Somebody shot me in the head!
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! - I gotta pee.
Over here.
All right, right there.
- Ron, I got your hat! Ron,
I have your hat!- Oh, my God!
Are you in a lot of pain?
I was shot in the head
with a shotgun.
Ron, it's actually not that serious.
I just need you to stay calm, okay?
Yeah, I'm just gonna stay angry.
I find that relaxes me.
Okay, Ron, we called 911 and
they're gonna send a ranger.
Oh, damn!
This is a mess.
The rangers won't let us
come back next year.
No! We're not gonna
think about that right now.
You guys, can you just put him on
the day bed in the carcass room?
- Day bed?
- Yeah.
Sure. Okay, now.
Hold on!
- Hold on!
- Is that Donna?
- Donna?
- Okay, easy.
- Donna?
- Don't worry.
Are you okay?
What? Is it your heart?
Are you having trouble breathing?
It's my car.
Someone shot my car!
- Okay. Here's your Scotch, Ron.
- Okay, Jerry. Jerry's here.
Here you go. Here's your Scotch, Ron.
There we go, Ron.
Okay. Hey, you know what is great?
Ann's gonna take care of you.
And Ann is the best nurse in North America.
All right. There you go.
What? You okay?
Did you shoot me?
What? No!
There was a bird
kind of near me,
and I know how desperate
you were to prove yourself.
No. No, I swear, I didn't.
Ron, I swear to God,
I've never shot anyone.
Well, you better find out who it was.
And then, purchase them a coffin,
because I'm gonna rip
them apart.
Okay.
Marco!
Polo!
Marco!
Polo!
Marco?
Polo!
- Marco!
- Polo!
Hey. Okay. How are you feeling?
- How are you feeling?
- Are you dizzy?
- Are you dizzy or...
- Are you light-headed?
When I look at my palm, I see a
lady's mouth French kissing a dog.
- Is that normal?
- Is that normal?
Well, the pain medication
I gave you is pretty strong.
Donna uses it for menstrual cramps.
How many did you take?
Seven. Eight.
But I washed them down
with plenty of fluids.
No, Ron, you cannot
drink Scotch with this.
You're gonna need
to purge, right now!
- Okay?
- No!
- Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
- No, I'm not wasting 20-year Scotch.
- Can you open his mouth?
- No.
- Leslie? Open his mouth.
- What?
- No.
- Open his mouth.
- Okay.
- I'm not making myself throw up.
- Oh, Ron. I'm sorry we have to do this!
- Ron, you have to.
Ron? This is for your own good.
- I will bite you!
- Open your mouth!
- Leslie, get... Grab his mustache!
- Oh, God!
- Open your mouth!
- Just a...
- Open your mouth!
- His shoulders!
Well, good news is Ron
is resting comfortably.
Is he okay?
Is he gonna live?
I think so.
Although I am hoping
that he has some memory loss.
On a scale of one to Chris
Brown, how pissed is he?
Well, he's very curious
about who shot him.
So, if you did it,
just say, "I did it."
Come on, person who shot Ron.
Look, I think
it's a little weird
that nobody wants to admit that
they shot Ron in the head.
Maybe Ron shot himself.
Hmm, he has seemed
really depressed lately.
He was shot in the
back of the head.
You're right.
He loves the back of his head.
He would never
shoot himself there.
It could have been someone
else that shot Ron.
Someone not in our group.
You think someone
is hunting us?
Man is the most dangerous game.
To The Predator.
I did smell something out there.
And it wasn't human.
That was pine trees.
The Predator can see heat.
We should cover ourselves in mud.
It could still be out there.
- Did you hear that?
- Actually, I did hear something.
- Okay. There's someone out there.
- I'm gonna get my gun.
Okay, Tom. Scare him off
and shoot over his head!
What's that gonna do?
I'm gonna shoot under its head!
- Don't shoot anyone!
- Whoa! Where are you going?
- What are you doing?
- Tom!
Hey! Don't shoot! Hey!
It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes!
Craig! Craig, I got you, dog!
Craig! Don't worry, I'm coming!
Attention, person who
shot me in the head!
I'm gonna find you, and
I'm gonna tear you apart.
Ron! Bed! Now!
Okay.
Here.
That man wasn't my brother.
He was my husband.
- How was that? That wasn't good?
- Yeah, you can do better.
All right.
Give me another one.
Okay.
I'm pregnant with
Josh Groban's baby.
- That was good.
- You do one.
Okay.
What do you mean the squirrel
took the nuts out of the...
Out of that kid's
backpack and ate them?
But you have to give me
a reason to spit.
To spit!
- You asked me a...
- Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't ask me a question.
I won't. Okay.
- Not a question.
- Okay, ready?
Yeah.
I've lived in Pawnee
my whole life.
That is a fact.
A fact about me.
And how...
Hey. How is he?
He's pretty out of it.
He's talking
about you in his sleep.
Good stuff?
No. How's it
going out there?
Terribly. No one will admit they shot Ron.
And no one saw it happen.
I know what happened.
You do?
Listen, I heard about the accident.
And I need to know who is responsible.
- I don't know.
- Ron and I saw Jerry...
- That's the problem.
- I am.
I shot Ron Swanson.
You shot my Mercedes?
What? No! No!
- Okay, follow my light.
- No, not your whole head. Just your eyes.
Just... Yeah. Okay.
What month is it?
November.
Why are you taking
the blame for this?
Don't worry about it.
I know what I'm doing.
Just go look after Ron.
So what happened?
Did you forget to check the entire field?
I find a lot of women have
problems with tunnel vision.
No. I'm an excellent hunter.
How did you end up shooting
a guy in the head then?
Fair enough.
I was walking in the woods
and then I tripped
and my gun went off.
Ah, so you forgot
to put the safety on.
No, I always have
the safety on. I'm...
While I was tripping, I saw
a quail and I shot at it.
In mid-trip?
No, that's...
Okay, fine.
I got that tunnel vision
that girls get.
And that's what happened.
End of story.
I think you're hysterical because
of all the excitement, obviously.
So, I'm just not following your story.
All right?
I let my emotions
get the best of me.
I just... I would...
I cared too much, I guess.
I was thinking
with my lady parts.
I was walking and
I felt something icky.
I thought there was
gonna be chocolate.
I don't even remember.
I'm wearing a new bra
and it closes in the front,
so it popped open
and it threw me off.
All I wanna do is have babies!
Are you single?
I'm just, like, going
through a thing right now.
I guess when my life is
incomplete I wanna shoot someone.
This would not happen
if I had a penis.
What?
Bitches be crazy.
I'm good at tolerating pain.
I'm bad at math. And I'm stupid.
I wonder what
they're doing right now.
Probably making out
on top of a deer carcass.
Super romantic.
You know, if I gave you a hickey,
it would totally make Ann jealous.
I don't know,
I think that would...
That's pretty gross.
Seems kind of weird.
What's weird about one friend
sucking on another friend's neck?
When you put it that way, it
doesn't sound that weird at all.
Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay
boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey
and it totally made
my gay boyfriend jealous.
Really?
All right.
Awesome. I'm in.
I'm gonna go sterilize my neck.
Okay.
What?
You know, Leslie, the Super
Bowl is in a couple of months.
I usually watch it
with my brothers.
Maybe you could come by at
halftime and shoot me in the head.
Ron, I'm really sorry that
I ruined your weekend.
Perhaps next time I'm enjoying some
alone time in the men's restroom,
you could invite yourself into my
stall and shoot me in the head.
Look, if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you...
Sure. How about you
shoot me in the head?
Oh, wait, you already did that.
Hey, Tom, can I talk
to you for a second?
Hold on, this is amazing.
Now. I need
to talk to you now.
Okay. Okay!
Whoa!
Ann! Whoa, are we
finally gonna do this?
Ow!
I saw you shoot Ron. Okay?
Leslie covered for you,
but I'm not gonna let her take any more
crap from Ron on your sorry-ass behalf.
Okay, for the record, I was gonna come
forward and I'll do it right now.
But afterwards, can we come
back here and talk about us?
Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's
office getting my prostate examined,
you could come by
and shoot me in the head!
Excuse me, everyone.
Ron, I have something to say.
Hang on a minute, Tom,
I'm not done berating Leslie.
It wasn't Leslie's fault.
She was covering for me because I
didn't have a hunting license.
I was the one who shot you.
You didn't get a license?
What kind of moron
doesn't get a license?
That's reckless
endangerment, my son.
That's a $25,000 fine, minimum,
and probably jail time.
But she covered for me,
and I'm in the clear.
Yeah. That's right.
She kept her mouth shut
and now you're in the clear.
Well, Ron, you know,
I couldn't let...
I know.
You did good.
You're a real stand-up guy.
I'm sorry I lost
my temper before.
It was 'cause I was shot
in the head by a moron.
- Yeah.
- Dude, Ron, I'm so sorry.
Apology not accepted, moron.
Pants King!
Pants Queen!
- Hi, Ann.
- Hey.
Mmm! Turkey's great.
- Hey, Ron Swanson!
- Hey!
Ron Swanson!
Thank you.
Thank you, all.
- Welcome back, Ron.
- Oh, hey!
"Welcome back, Ron."
That's terrific.
Thanks, you guys.
Let's eat!
"What?"
It's pretty great having Andy
working in the building.
The guy is so much fun.
His new thing? Piggyback rides!
Anytime you want.
Piggyback!
Piggyback!
Move! Piggyback! Bam!
Piggyback! Bam!
Mark!
Brendanawicz!
Giddyup! Giddyup!
Oh!
Councilman Howser.
Hello.
Hello.
Did you get my proposal for the
possible rezoning of Lot 48?
I have been busy.
I know. But I think it would be a really
great thing for the neighborhood.
I don't doubt it. But it's really a
question of resource allocation.
And I completely understand that.
But you and I both know
that if we wanna find
the money, we can.
I'm running late.
Oh, I'll walk with you.
See, the thing is, when we
allocate money for parks...
Just a reminder.
Tomorrow's a half-day.
Jerry, Mark and I have to
conduct the annual trail survey
at Slippery Elm Park.
Ron, I had the trail survey hats
made to commemorate the trip.
Nice, Jerry.
Oh, and if you have any
questions about the details,
feel free to shoot me an email.
The only trails he's gonna be surveying
are trails of lies and deception.
Ron has a special deal
with the park rangers.
Every November, they let
him use their cabin
so he can go on a secret hunting trip
with all the guys
in the office.
Not all the guys.
He's never taken me.
Fine, all the men.
Ron, let's cut the bull.
I want me, Tom and all the other
ladies included on your hunting trip.
Hunting trip? We're doing
a trail survey, Leslie.
You're literally listening
to turkey calls.
Is this not rap?
- Come on.
- All right. Look,
It's not just a hunting trip.
It's a tradition.
I am really good at hunting and I'm
even better at being one of the guys.
Well, it's a work event, so...
legally I can't stop you from coming.
- Yes!
This is gonna be so fun!
I'll bring S'mores.
And just like that
the one tiny aspect
of government I enjoyed
was clubbed to death
before my eyes.
April! I need you
to do something for me.
I'm going hunting tomorrow, so
call the State Parks Office
and get verbal confirmation that
our budget documentation is in.
Can I just tell you the
16-digit tracking number,
or do you want me
to write it down?
I'll write it down.
Can you handle this?
You want me to dial a number and
then read another number out loud?
Yes. Can you handle this?
No.
Well, try, okay?
And if you do it, I will name the
first turkey I shoot after you.
Cool.
Ann! Ready to bag
some birds?
Nope. But I am ready to relax by the fire
and get my Real Simple magazine on.
Well, if you change your mind, you're now
officially a licensed Indiana hunter.
Oh, gross.
Hello, you have reached
the Indiana State Parks Department.
Your call is very important to us.
Please stay on the line.
- All right, here we go!
- Here we are!
- There he is.
- There's Ron!
Oh, it's pretty!
- I know.
- I thought it was gonna be gross.
Holy cow. Ron,
it is good to be back.
Sneak attack!
- Damn it!
- I am the Pants King! Bow to me.
Bow! I bow!
I am the Pants...
I am the Pants Queen.
What the hell?
Bow to the Pants Queen.
When you're out with the boys, you
gotta be ready for a good pantsing.
That's why I have suspenders
that connect my bra to my jeans.
Ron 'P. Diddy' Combs.
I have to admit,
this place is pretty tight.
May I interest anyone
in some chew?
Nice touch, Haverford.
Let me get some of that.
You sure?
- Yeah.
- I would not have pegged you
as a user of mouth tobacco.
I'm full of surprises, Ron.
Oh, man.
My stomach's a little upset.
I feel a little queasy.
Yeah, that might be the chew.
You could spit it out.
I swallowed it.
You're supposed to swallow it, right?
No.
All right.
Poor little buddy.
Why they call it chew and not swallow.
Am I right, Ron?
Yes, you are right.
All right, safety basics!
Donna, can you tell me why it's bad
to look down the barrel of your gun?
Is that a trick question?
No, Donna, don't!
Please!
Rule number one, do not point
the weapon at a person.
That includes
your own face, Donna.
Now, every year, before we go on
our first hunt, we do a toast.
So, grab a beer.
To the hunt.
- Here, here.
- Here, here.
And to the hunters!
The only way to defeat the beast
is to find the beast within.
- Pretty good.
- Here, here!
- Here, here!
- Yeah! Right on! Cheers.
Ron, your toast sucked.
The traditional toast
is "To the hunt!"
And it is said by me.
You all set, Mark?
Oh, I was thinking maybe we could
do mixed doubles, you know?
Boy-girl, boy-girl.
Leslie, you said that we
were gonna hunt together.
Oh, Ann, I always forget because you're
so pretty, you're not used to rejection.
I have to hunt with Ron.
Ann, we'll go together.
Perfect!
All right, I hope you're ready to discuss
some college bowl game scenarios!
Bully.
Andy! Andy!
Can you come here, please?
Yeah. What's up?
I've been on hold
for, like, an hour
and I really have to pee.
Can you just sit here for two seconds
and just listen, please?
- Yes.
Please? Okay. And if they answer, can
you just read those numbers out loud?
- Yeah.
- Okay, thanks.
Now here's the female
adolescent turkey.
- Could you hear the difference?
- No.
Turkeys can.
Boo-la,
boo-la, boo-la!
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!
Boo-la,
boo-la, boo-la!
We do that the first time
one of us hits something.
Oh, cool!
Boo-la, boo-la...
No, no.
You missed it.
Look, Ron, I know this weekend,
you were looking forward
to a lot of man-on-man-on-man action, but
I just wanted to say I'm very grateful
that you let me come
along on this trip.
That's fine.
I'm just glad you didn't end up
inviting more of the motor...
What the hell?
Give me some warning!
I saw a quail.
Sorry, man, you
snooze, you lose.
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la!
I think this is gonna be a really
good bonding sesh for me and Ron.
Guys love it when you can show
them you're better than they are
at something they love.
Hey, check this out.
I am on hold with
the State Parks Department
I am on hold,
so suck on my butt
- Nice.
- Yeah.
They didn't answer, obviously.
Where is everyone?
Hunting trip.
Hunting trip?
- Did Mark go?
- Yeah.
That's cool, at least
he's not with Ann.
No, Ann's there.
God! How come he gets to do
all the things I wanna do?
Go hunting, Ann.
Maybe a deer will eat him.
That would be really awesome.
But I don't think that
will happen, probably.
You're surprised that my breasts
didn't throw my aim off?
Leslie, please.
I don't care that you're a girl.
I just don't like change.
I like going to the same
place with the same people,
telling the same stories and seeing
who can bag the most turkeys.
It seems like you like to go
hunting with the same people
'cause you know
you can beat them.
A hundred bucks says
I bag more birds than you.
You're on. Let's split up.
I do it better alone.
Yeah, you do! See?
Just one of the guys.
Your favorite kind of cake
can't be birthday cake.
That's like saying your favorite
kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
Mmm, I love breakfast cereal.
Look! Some
kind of bird!
Let's kill it!
You talking to me, bitch?
What were you aiming at?
Nothing.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. I can understand
why people like that.
- Right?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah. And keeping one's eyes open is
always a good rule of thumb around guns.
This is such a great day.
See, at my house, I got a wife
and three beautiful daughters.
But this trip, it is the one time
of year I get to pee standing up.
I love that sound.
I've been shot!
I've been shot!
Somebody shot me in the head!
Boo-la, boo-la, boo-la.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! - I gotta pee.
Over here.
All right, right there.
- Ron, I got your hat! Ron,
I have your hat!- Oh, my God!
Are you in a lot of pain?
I was shot in the head
with a shotgun.
Ron, it's actually not that serious.
I just need you to stay calm, okay?
Yeah, I'm just gonna stay angry.
I find that relaxes me.
Okay, Ron, we called 911 and
they're gonna send a ranger.
Oh, damn!
This is a mess.
The rangers won't let us
come back next year.
No! We're not gonna
think about that right now.
You guys, can you just put him on
the day bed in the carcass room?
- Day bed?
- Yeah.
Sure. Okay, now.
Hold on!
- Hold on!
- Is that Donna?
- Donna?
- Okay, easy.
- Donna?
- Don't worry.
Are you okay?
What? Is it your heart?
Are you having trouble breathing?
It's my car.
Someone shot my car!
- Okay. Here's your Scotch, Ron.
- Okay, Jerry. Jerry's here.
Here you go. Here's your Scotch, Ron.
There we go, Ron.
Okay. Hey, you know what is great?
Ann's gonna take care of you.
And Ann is the best nurse in North America.
All right. There you go.
What? You okay?
Did you shoot me?
What? No!
There was a bird
kind of near me,
and I know how desperate
you were to prove yourself.
No. No, I swear, I didn't.
Ron, I swear to God,
I've never shot anyone.
Well, you better find out who it was.
And then, purchase them a coffin,
because I'm gonna rip
them apart.
Okay.
Marco!
Polo!
Marco!
Polo!
Marco?
Polo!
- Marco!
- Polo!
Hey. Okay. How are you feeling?
- How are you feeling?
- Are you dizzy?
- Are you dizzy or...
- Are you light-headed?
When I look at my palm, I see a
lady's mouth French kissing a dog.
- Is that normal?
- Is that normal?
Well, the pain medication
I gave you is pretty strong.
Donna uses it for menstrual cramps.
How many did you take?
Seven. Eight.
But I washed them down
with plenty of fluids.
No, Ron, you cannot
drink Scotch with this.
You're gonna need
to purge, right now!
- Okay?
- No!
- Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
- No, I'm not wasting 20-year Scotch.
- Can you open his mouth?
- No.
- Leslie? Open his mouth.
- What?
- No.
- Open his mouth.
- Okay.
- I'm not making myself throw up.
- Oh, Ron. I'm sorry we have to do this!
- Ron, you have to.
Ron? This is for your own good.
- I will bite you!
- Open your mouth!
- Leslie, get... Grab his mustache!
- Oh, God!
- Open your mouth!
- Just a...
- Open your mouth!
- His shoulders!
Well, good news is Ron
is resting comfortably.
Is he okay?
Is he gonna live?
I think so.
Although I am hoping
that he has some memory loss.
On a scale of one to Chris
Brown, how pissed is he?
Well, he's very curious
about who shot him.
So, if you did it,
just say, "I did it."
Come on, person who shot Ron.
Look, I think
it's a little weird
that nobody wants to admit that
they shot Ron in the head.
Maybe Ron shot himself.
Hmm, he has seemed
really depressed lately.
He was shot in the
back of the head.
You're right.
He loves the back of his head.
He would never
shoot himself there.
It could have been someone
else that shot Ron.
Someone not in our group.
You think someone
is hunting us?
Man is the most dangerous game.
To The Predator.
I did smell something out there.
And it wasn't human.
That was pine trees.
The Predator can see heat.
We should cover ourselves in mud.
It could still be out there.
- Did you hear that?
- Actually, I did hear something.
- Okay. There's someone out there.
- I'm gonna get my gun.
Okay, Tom. Scare him off
and shoot over his head!
What's that gonna do?
I'm gonna shoot under its head!
- Don't shoot anyone!
- Whoa! Where are you going?
- What are you doing?
- Tom!
Hey! Don't shoot! Hey!
It's Craig from Reinhold Mercedes!
Craig! Craig, I got you, dog!
Craig! Don't worry, I'm coming!
Attention, person who
shot me in the head!
I'm gonna find you, and
I'm gonna tear you apart.
Ron! Bed! Now!
Okay.
Here.
That man wasn't my brother.
He was my husband.
- How was that? That wasn't good?
- Yeah, you can do better.
All right.
Give me another one.
Okay.
I'm pregnant with
Josh Groban's baby.
- That was good.
- You do one.
Okay.
What do you mean the squirrel
took the nuts out of the...
Out of that kid's
backpack and ate them?
But you have to give me
a reason to spit.
To spit!
- You asked me a...
- Oh, oh, oh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't ask me a question.
I won't. Okay.
- Not a question.
- Okay, ready?
Yeah.
I've lived in Pawnee
my whole life.
That is a fact.
A fact about me.
And how...
Hey. How is he?
He's pretty out of it.
He's talking
about you in his sleep.
Good stuff?
No. How's it
going out there?
Terribly. No one will admit they shot Ron.
And no one saw it happen.
I know what happened.
You do?
Listen, I heard about the accident.
And I need to know who is responsible.
- I don't know.
- Ron and I saw Jerry...
- That's the problem.
- I am.
I shot Ron Swanson.
You shot my Mercedes?
What? No! No!
- Okay, follow my light.
- No, not your whole head. Just your eyes.
Just... Yeah. Okay.
What month is it?
November.
Why are you taking
the blame for this?
Don't worry about it.
I know what I'm doing.
Just go look after Ron.
So what happened?
Did you forget to check the entire field?
I find a lot of women have
problems with tunnel vision.
No. I'm an excellent hunter.
How did you end up shooting
a guy in the head then?
Fair enough.
I was walking in the woods
and then I tripped
and my gun went off.
Ah, so you forgot
to put the safety on.
No, I always have
the safety on. I'm...
While I was tripping, I saw
a quail and I shot at it.
In mid-trip?
No, that's...
Okay, fine.
I got that tunnel vision
that girls get.
And that's what happened.
End of story.
I think you're hysterical because
of all the excitement, obviously.
So, I'm just not following your story.
All right?
I let my emotions
get the best of me.
I just... I would...
I cared too much, I guess.
I was thinking
with my lady parts.
I was walking and
I felt something icky.
I thought there was
gonna be chocolate.
I don't even remember.
I'm wearing a new bra
and it closes in the front,
so it popped open
and it threw me off.
All I wanna do is have babies!
Are you single?
I'm just, like, going
through a thing right now.
I guess when my life is
incomplete I wanna shoot someone.
This would not happen
if I had a penis.
What?
Bitches be crazy.
I'm good at tolerating pain.
I'm bad at math. And I'm stupid.
I wonder what
they're doing right now.
Probably making out
on top of a deer carcass.
Super romantic.
You know, if I gave you a hickey,
it would totally make Ann jealous.
I don't know,
I think that would...
That's pretty gross.
Seems kind of weird.
What's weird about one friend
sucking on another friend's neck?
When you put it that way, it
doesn't sound that weird at all.
Yeah, it's not. I gave my gay
boyfriend's boyfriend a hickey
and it totally made
my gay boyfriend jealous.
Really?
All right.
Awesome. I'm in.
I'm gonna go sterilize my neck.
Okay.
What?
You know, Leslie, the Super
Bowl is in a couple of months.
I usually watch it
with my brothers.
Maybe you could come by at
halftime and shoot me in the head.
Ron, I'm really sorry that
I ruined your weekend.
Perhaps next time I'm enjoying some
alone time in the men's restroom,
you could invite yourself into my
stall and shoot me in the head.
Look, if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you...
Sure. How about you
shoot me in the head?
Oh, wait, you already did that.
Hey, Tom, can I talk
to you for a second?
Hold on, this is amazing.
Now. I need
to talk to you now.
Okay. Okay!
Whoa!
Ann! Whoa, are we
finally gonna do this?
Ow!
I saw you shoot Ron. Okay?
Leslie covered for you,
but I'm not gonna let her take any more
crap from Ron on your sorry-ass behalf.
Okay, for the record, I was gonna come
forward and I'll do it right now.
But afterwards, can we come
back here and talk about us?
Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's
office getting my prostate examined,
you could come by
and shoot me in the head!
Excuse me, everyone.
Ron, I have something to say.
Hang on a minute, Tom,
I'm not done berating Leslie.
It wasn't Leslie's fault.
She was covering for me because I
didn't have a hunting license.
I was the one who shot you.
You didn't get a license?
What kind of moron
doesn't get a license?
That's reckless
endangerment, my son.
That's a $25,000 fine, minimum,
and probably jail time.
But she covered for me,
and I'm in the clear.
Yeah. That's right.
She kept her mouth shut
and now you're in the clear.
Well, Ron, you know,
I couldn't let...
I know.
You did good.
You're a real stand-up guy.
I'm sorry I lost
my temper before.
It was 'cause I was shot
in the head by a moron.
- Yeah.
- Dude, Ron, I'm so sorry.
Apology not accepted, moron.
Pants King!
Pants Queen!
- Hi, Ann.
- Hey.
Mmm! Turkey's great.
- Hey, Ron Swanson!
- Hey!
Ron Swanson!
Thank you.
Thank you, all.
- Welcome back, Ron.
- Oh, hey!
"Welcome back, Ron."
That's terrific.
Thanks, you guys.
Let's eat!