Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Camel - full transcript

Okay. As everybody knows,
The Spirit of Pawnee

was defaced again last night.

What was it this time?

Chocolate pudding.

Huh. That's new.

The mural that
normally resides here

is called The Spirit of Pawnee.

And it's very controversial.

We've had someone throw
acid at it, tomato sauce.

Someone tried to stab it once.

We really need
better security here.



We also need better,
less-offensive history.

So, the city council has decided
that The Spirit of Pawnee

should be changed to something

just a little less horrifying.

Now, since the murals were made

by government employees
back in the 1930s,

we thought it might be fun

if each department submitted
a design for a new mural.

And you'll submit your
concepts tomorrow afternoon.

All righty, folks?
Thank you very much.

Hey, Leslie. What's your
design going to be? A tree?

Joe, you work in Sewage.

Your department literally
specializes in crap.

You really want to do this?



I told you before. "Crap" is a slang term.
And I don't like that term.

But at least we don't specialize
in losing, like you guys.

Sewage. Let's roll.

Damn! How does Sewage always
get the hottest interns?

Guys, this department has the
chance to design something

that could be in this building forever.
This could be our legacy.

I thought building a park on Lot
48 was going to be our legacy.

Well, you can
have two legacies.

Look at Madonna.
Great singer, amazing arms.

Look at O.J. Simpson.
Heisman Trophy winner, Naked Gun.

- Mmm-hmm. - No offense, Leslie,
but I'm not an artist.

Oh, that's not true, Donna.
I've seen your fingernails.

Um, I pay someone to do this.

Really? Oh, well, shoot.

Anyway, I'm ordering
all of you to design a mural.

Uh, only Ron can order the whole
department to do something.

- Ron, order them to do this.
- Do whatever Leslie says.

Ha-haa! Okay,
so here are your supplies.

I want you to go and find
the spirit of Pawnee.

And make me a sketch.

And it needs to be breathtaking
and moving and historical

and better than every department.
And you have one hour.

Designers. Make it work.

Tim Gunn.

You, my friend,
are ready to go dancing.

Thank you, sir.
All right. Next?

Andrew. Looking good.

- Business is booming.
- Yeah.

Hey. Ron, how about you?
Need a little dog waxing?

It's only 5 bucks, and I'll let
you cut in front of this guy.

- What?
- Come on. Beat it.

This is Ron Swanson
we're talking about.

I'm impressed with Andy.
Pulling himself up by his bootstraps.

He reminds me of me.

I got my first job
when I was nine.

Worked at
a sheet metal factory.

In two weeks,
I was running the floor.

Child labor laws are
ruining this country.

Do you have a key in your shoe?

No. No, I have a bunion that's
practically its own toe.

Normally, the pain howls through my
loafers like a banshee on the moors.

But for these
past three minutes,

it's been reduced
to a faint growl.

Okay. That's neat.

Well, hey.
We are all finished.

Well, that was great.

Thank you, son.

No sweat.

Next?

You shouldn't let your friends cut in line.
It's not good business.

You want to know what
else isn't good business?

That guy's my friend.

Right.

I'm saying you shouldn't let
your friends cut in line.

All right. Sorry, pal.
Here. Give me this. Next.

So, what are you
looking for exactly?

I don't know, man.

"The spirit of Pawnee."
That's all I got.

Here. Just give me
$20 worth of art.

Just something that seems personal,
that only I could have done.

Tell me about yourself.

No. Just paint.

I have no interest in art.

Let me clarify.
I have no interest in non-nude images.

Dude, what the hell
kind of art is this?

It looks like a lizard
puking up Skittles.

I'm an abstract expressionist.

No, you're a con artist.

And I'm a guy that's out 20 bucks.
Ugh. Whatever.

I'm a terrible artist.

But the Parks Department
has done so much for me

that if I can help them out
in any way, I will.

Oh, God.

Maybe I should just give
them all free flu shots.

I know everything about
this town and these murals.

And that's why this is
a dream come true. Literally.

I have had a dream
where I designed a mural.

But then it turned
into a nightmare,

because the mural
started talking,

and it came alive
and it was whispering.

And I couldn't hear
what it was saying,

so I leaned in close,
and then it ate me.

At one point,
Gina Gershon was there.

My piece is truly going to
capture the spirit of Pawnee.

I never understood
the term "elbow grease."

I guess it's not really
grease. Just hard work.

Oh, hey, Ron. Nice,
shiny shoes you got there.

Oh, hey. I was just...
I think... Oh, no. Shoot.

Actually, it looks
like I scuffed this one.

Do you need your money back, Ron?
Because I already spent it.

Really? How did...

Never mind. I think I'll just
take another full polish.

Can I cut in line again?

I feel right at home
as a shoe shiner.

I have no idea what I'm doing,

but I know I'm doing it
really, really well.

Okay! Let's get going
with the spirit of Pawnee.

Ann, you go first.

Okay.

Um... Okay.

Well, since it's
the Parks Department,

I thought I would
design a pretty park.

With dogs playing.
And I can't really draw,

so I just cut some
stuff out of a magazine.

That looks like something a death row
convict would make in art therapy.

Dude, I tried.

And you failed.

It's dogs and people playing in a park.
It's cute.

It's okay, sweetheart.
You can't make art, because you are art.

You're beautiful.
But that sucks.

Okay. Let's see yours.

Fine. Mine is amazing.

It's going to blow your mind.

Okay. This is some
professional-ass art right here.

I'm not quite sure
what I'm looking at.

It's abstract, Leslie.

Over here,
you've got some shapes.

And then you come
over to this side...

You know, it's actually
kind of interesting.

Each shape is its own thing.
But then when it comes together,

it really gives you a sense of

completion.

Hmm.

A piece of art caused me to
have an emotional reaction.

Is that normal?

So, it's the Last Supper, but
with famous people from Indiana.

Mmm-hmm.

John Mellencamp, Larry
Bird, Michael Jackson,

uh, David Letterman,
Vivica A. Fox.

Okay, so, here's where
it gets a little dicey.

Because there's not that many
celebrities from Indiana.

So, a NASCAR.

Uh, my friend, Becky.
Ron Swanson.

Donna? Who's the Jesus?

That would be Greg Kinnear.

I didn't know
he was from Indiana.

Yeah, you know,
I read that he was.

Oh. Do you think he's
the best choice for Jesus?

I mean, he was great on ER.

- Greg Kinnear wasn't in ER.
- Yeah, he was.

I don't think that he was.

Who am I thinking of?

Okay. Next?

Wow. Really good, Jerry.

For my murinal, I was
inspired by the death of my grandma.

- You said "murinal."
- She...

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You said "murinal".
I heard it.

- Anyway, she...
- Jerry.

Why don't you put that
murinal in the men's room

so people can
murinate all over it?

Jerry. Go to the doctor.
You might have a murinary tract infection.

I just wanted to
show you my art.

Murinal!
Murinal! Murinal!

Disqualified!

It's pointillism. And each dot is
a photo of a citizen of the town.

No one cares.
At all.

Okay. So, this is
a multimedia project.

First, a bunch of rats
made out of garbage.

And this is a TV screen.
It'll be like a big, flat-screen TV,

and it will play looped video
of knee surgeries.

And then this is
a human-sized hamster wheel

that will be next to the
mural if we can get one.

And it will be spinning and there will
be, like, a fat guy in it all the time,

like, screaming and, like, eating
raw beef and, like, bleeding.

And, like, blood will, like,
come out of his mouth and stuff.

And that'll be, like,
right next to the mural.

I have one question. Why?

If you have to ask,
you don't get it.

I don't think they
really got the assignment.

If we're gonna beat
all the other departments,

we have to choose something that
will stand the test of time.

Like the Mona Lisa.

Or the music of Squeeze.

June 8, 1922. The Pawnee Bread
Factory burned to the ground.

We lost a lot of
good bread that day.

As well as several human lives.

And it also made the whole
town smell like toast.

Which one resident described
as "disturbingly enticing."

But I digress.

The point is we rebuilt Pawnee

to the wonderful town
that it is today.

Why would you want a mural
that shows people dying

when you could have
shapes that come alive?

Well, because it's the most famous
event in our town's history.

And people love
voting for tragedy.

Look at the Oscars.
This is our Holocaust movie.

This is our English Patient.

It sounds like you're
exploiting the tragedy.

See, Ann gets it. Okay.
Time to vote, everybody.

Cast your votes.
May the best, most tragic project win.

When we started this,
we were six different voices

with six ideas for a mural.

And then those six voices
came together as a team.

There are no losers today.

But there is one winner, us.

The Parks Department.

Tom, the results
of the vote, please.

One-to-one-to-one-
to-one-to-one-to-one.

We all voted for ourselves,
didn't we?

Yeah. Okay.

Third time today.

Mmm. That's
a good shoeshine.

What the (fuck) man?

I... I don't know
what happened. Frankly.

I emitted a noise.

The noise was involuntary.

Sometimes, a sound is
just a sound. You know?

We need to whittle these down.

Can we all agree on eliminating
any of these designs?

Ann's blows.

Wow. Don't hold back.

No offense, but it's a giant
picture of a park. That's not art.

Well, at least it's not a fat
human hamster eating meat.

You don't even work here.

Okay, guys,
you both have a point.

Ann, yours was a little trite.

And April, yours was hellish
and might make someone vomit.

Thank you.

Look, there's something
about those shapes.

There's some emotional
art right there.

Any kid could do that.

No kid could do that.

Only God could do that.

What is so great
about the shapes?

He likes the shapes, okay?
And he's part of the team.

So, here. Take these scissors and
cut out your favorite shapes.

And then we'll put them
on a new team mural.

We're going to
make a new design

that takes the best parts
of all of our designs.

It's like if you got
Michelangelo and Andy Warhol

and Jackson Pollock
and Jim Davis

from Garfield to
do one painting.

Imagine how good
that painting would be.

I think it's really good.

I'll be right back.

Brendanawicz!
We need you for something.

Can it wait?
I am so swamped here.

Ann's in trouble.
We think it might be pills.

- What?
- No.

That's a lie.

But this is just as important.

We need you to look
at a piece of art.

Oh, God.

What is that?

This is our entry
for the mural contest.

We couldn't decide
on one design,

so we took parts
that we all liked

of our designs, and then we just
kind of smushed it into a thing.

Well, you made a camel.

You've never heard that saying?

The camel was actually a horse
designed by a committee.

And what you guys have here
is one ugly camel.

- Featuring Bill Paxton.
- Greg Kinnear.

- Right. Greg Kinnear.
- Oh!

Is Bill Paxton from Indiana?

You have to save us.
You have to design something.

Leslie, I'm not an artist.

Yes, you are.

I've seen you sketch things.

Uh, yeah, like poles
for stop signs.

That everybody
stops and looks at.

By law, Leslie.
They're required to.

Look, Mark. Please. You're the only one
of us who's actually got any talent.

I know you'll do
something good.

And I really,
really want to win this.

Please? What are you
going to do tonight?

I was going to go to Arby's
and watch Frontline.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. So, it is an old man
feeding pigeons in a park.

Uh... The spirit
of Pawnee? Maybe?

You got to be kidding me.

How is that better
than my park scene?

It isn't. And that's
saying something.

And who's the man? Is he famous?
Is it Martin Landau?

Look, I have no dog
in this fight.

I'm just saying
that this will win.

It's nothing.
It's mush.

There's not even one shape in there, Mark.
Where are the shapes?

I'm not saying
that this is any good.

I'm saying that this will win.
It's mass appeal.

It's like what motels put up,

and it hangs there for years, and
no one ever throws acid at it.

Mmm. Who did this?
I like it.

Seriously? I mean...

Sorry.

Yeah. It comforts me.

That'll win.

This is garbage.

We've got to go
back to the shapes.

No. This is boring.

We got to go
back to the garbage.

I would take
the shapes over this.

I mean, come on.
I wouldn't take the shapes over anything.

I'd take Jerry's
murinal over this.

No, guys.
This is the one.

- What?
- Sorry. Mark's right.

This is an outrage.
Mark's not even in the department.

- Right.
- Neither is Ann.

But Ann's hot.
And that counts for something.

Whatever happened to, "We're the
Parks Department! Rah-rah-rah!

"Down with
the Sewage Department!"

Yeah, we spent all day
here for no reason.

We have a reason. We're going to win.
That's our reason.

Our designs are not going to win.
Mark's might win.

How great would it be
if we won, you guys?

You'll feel a lot better, I
promise you, after you win.

We're going with this one.

All right. I'll see you at
the presentation tomorrow.

That is an order, team.
Go team!

Team dismissed.

Yes, we are a team.
But I am the team leader.

So, I made a bold decision.
We're playing it safe.

Hey, Knope. How's life
in the Parks De-fart-ment?

Better than life in
the Sewage De-fart-ment.

Which makes more sense.

Whatever.

You guys are screwed.
Get used to this.

Because it's going to be hanging on
the wall right outside your door

for the next 100 years.

That was pretty good.

You think they're going to win?

No. No.

They went super patriotic.
It's a classic mistake.

It seems crowd-pleasing,
but it's still a stance.

And in government, there's always
someone who will oppose a stance.

Us? Old man feeding pigeons?
No stance.

Absolutely no point
of view whatsoever.

No point of view. Smart.

No.
I haven't been back.

I wish him good luck
in his business.

And yes, I will absolutely go
back to get my shoes shined soon.

I don't, frankly, see why this
is a topic for discussion.

Oh, hey, Ron. What's up?

Uh...

Andy, you know, the thing

the other day?

- Other day, other day...
- Yeah.

Oh, yesterday?

I am...

That... That was... I feel...

I'm okay... You know,
I'd be okay if we...

I'd be okay if we
never mentioned it again.

Never mention what again?

The moan, Ron. The weird moan you made.
That was super weird.

Do you not remember that?

I talked about it with the lady

who went after you
for a half an hour.

She said she thought
it was an animal...

Okay.

It was just an odd moment.
Let's just...

Let's just not
talk about it anymore.

That's what I was trying to say.
But, yeah. Okay.

- Okay.
- Good time.

- Ms. Knope.
- Chief Konner.

What do you got there?

Well, we aren't really artists.
But we gave it a shot.

It's your basic
dogs playing poker,

but with an
everything's-on-fire theme.

- This is my nephew over here.
- Hmm.

And this is an attractive lady
with a hamburger for a head.

Just some stuff
we liked, you know?

Anyway, we had a lot of fun
putting it together.

- Well, good luck.
- Thanks.

We think it's a winner.

- Go ahead.
- What?

Camel's way more fun.

I want my team back.

And my team made this
hot, crazy camel mess.

So, this is what we're going to submit.
Even if it means we lose.

God, I hope we win.
But we're definitely going to lose.

- Probably.
- All right. Let's get in there

and show them how Parks gets it done.
- Yeah.

And Ann.
How Ann gets it done.

Yes!

Let's go!

What are the shapes?

The shapes are awesome, is what they are.
You can't handle it.

No, I actually like them.

Forgive me.
Is that Michael Jackson?

Yes.
The pride of Indiana.

That's right.
So, it's relevant.

Who is he carrying?

Jesus Greg Kinnear.

You know,
it looks like he's carrying

Kinnear into
the burning building.

Oh, well, that's because
he's moonwalking.

So, he should be
going the other way.

That did not occur to me.

- Sorry.
- So, there you go.

The Spirit of Pawnee.

We didn't win.

But neither did anyone else.

They realized it
was going to cost

a ton of money
to hire a muralist.

So, they're just going
to restore the old one.

They're changing the title
to The Diversity Express.

Oh, well.

No. No. It's not as
good as the other one.

I don't know what
you mean by "good."

Neither do I!
Just do another one.

You know, I have
actual assignments

that I have to finish
for art school?

Shut up and do more art for me.

This one's racist.

It's beautiful.

I've looked at this
for five hours now.

I like the green one.
And the red circle right here.

I'm tearing up, man.