Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 22 - Telethon - full transcript

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Hi, there.

What's going on here?

Puppy!
A puppy is here!

Can we keep him?
My neighbor's dog had a litter.

They're looking
for people to adopt.

I love him.

I wish he had
tiny puppy shoes.

I would totally shine
his little shoes for free.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I do say
the cutest stuff.



Look, I love a good dog
as much as the next guy,

but this building
doesn't allow animals.

Andy,
take him outside.

What, and shoot him?

No. Just keep
him outside.

(MIMICKING) Oh, come on, Ron.
I'm just a little puppy.

I ain't done nothing wrong.
I'm just a puppy.

I like your mustache.
I wish I could have one. But I can't.

Because I'm just
a little puppy.

(MIMICKING DOG LICKING)

Okay, take him out
and shoot him.

(INAUDIBLE)

Fire! Fire! Fire!

What? Where?



In my belly.
Because the 24-hour

Pawnee Cares
Diabetes Telethon

starts tonight.
Goody.

Let us know
how it went.

Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up
with the local cable access station

to raise money for
diabetes research.

And it's important, because Pawnee is
the fourth-fattest town in the U.S.

It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain
parts of The Mall of America.

Well, this year, I get to
program my own four-hour block.

I know. Exciting!

So, I have signed you
all up for multiple shifts.

Yes, just to answer phones
and provide moral support.

From when to when?

Tonight.

From 2:00 a.m.
to 6:00 a.m.

ALL: What?

No. Leslie, please.

Tonight's kind of
a big night.

You know, all my
kids are away, and...

Gross! No! It's Jerry's sex night.
That ruins sex and tonight.

Why don't you put on one of these T-shirts?
It will get you in the mood.

I stayed up all night
last night making these.

You stayed up all night the night
before an all-night telethon.

Yes. And here's why. Boom.

TOM: "Diabetes.
Let's Dia-beat-this."

Yeah. Four hours to come
up with the slogan.

Four hours to embroider them.
Time well spent.

Salad sucks.
There. I said it.

Feel better?
Yep.

I've been doing
some thinking.

I'm not going to ask
Ann to move in with me.

Why? Is something wrong? No.
I'm going to ask her to marry me.

I love her. And I want a partner.
(GASPS) Horseback.

You should ask her on horseback.
What?

No, you should ask her
in a hot air balloon.

No. She should be on
the hot air balloon,

and you should
ride up on horseback.

Oh. Wait. She's in the balloon,
you ride up on horseback,

you point to the sky, up there,
skywriting, "Marry me, Ann."

I think I can figure out
the right way to ask her.

How you ask someone to marry
you is a very big deal.

I mean, they have to repeat that
story for the rest of their lives.

So, you think
I should do it, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Definitely. Can you get five eagles?
No, get ten eagles.

Leslie. No, you're right.
It's your life.

Get as many
eagles as you want.

So, Tom, you're in
for tonight, right?

I forgot to tell you.
I can't make it to the telethon tonight,

because I have no
interest in being there.

Okay. You're in charge of the
VIP special telethon guest.

You're never going
to believe who I got.

People are going
to freak out.

Rihanna.
No.

Dr. Oz.
Nope.

You're never going to guess.
Justin Bieber.

No. Ex-lndiana Pacers small
forward, Detlef Schrempf.

The Detlef Schrempf?

I know!
So, it's really exciting.

Wow. And I need you
to be his body-man.

Pick him up at the
airport at 7:00 p.m.

And then, you know,
just entertain him.

Because he doesn't need to be in
hair and makeup until 2:00 a.m.

Does Pawnee Cable Access
even have hair and makeup?

Well, they have a communal
lipstick and a box of combs.

As a nurse and as your friend, I highly
suggest you don't try to stay up

for the next 24 hours.

I can definitely do it.

I've already been up for 24 hours.
But I have a secret weapon.

NutriYum bars?
Leslie.

I know, I know.
They're terrible.

But they give me
an insane 15-minute burst.

Plus, my nana
used to tell me,

"You'll sleep
when you're dead."

My nana, she used
to say the best stuff.

"Don't work yourself
into a lather."

"Look where it is
and you'll find it."

"Don't put me in a home.
" "Tell the truth and shame the devil."

"The devil knows
where you're hiding."

"If you take enough rides with the devil,
pretty soon, he's going to drive."

She was really
into the devil.

I have not checked in
with you lately.

I'm randomly
and casually asking.

How are things
going with Mark?

Things are good.

Do you think
he's the one?

The one?
I don't know. Maybe.

Good.

I'm here.
What do I have to do?

I have you on phone-answering
duty from 4:00 to 6:00 a.m.

That's horrible.
I have to nap up.

If I don't get a solid five,
it kills my sunny disposition.

Got enough leg
room back there?

Yeah. Yeah, you don't
have to sit so far up.

Yeah, I do.
So, Detlef Schrempf.

Three-time NBA All-Star,
two-time Sixth Man Award winner.

It must have been pretty cool to be
traded to the Pacers in exchange

for veteran center
Herb Williams.

So, you looked me up
on Wikipedia, huh?

No. Everybody
knows that.

Just like everybody
knows you appeared

in two episodes of
the German soap opera

Gute Zeiten
Schlechte Zeiten.

What, you a big fan
of that show?

Huge fan.

Huh? Oh, 6'10".

I'm 5'6"
and three quarters.

All right, team,
you guys psyched?

Just remember,
all you need to do is

take down everybody's
name and address

and ask them how much
they want to donate.

Hey, do these
phones dial out?

Yes. Why?

No reason.
Leslie, you know what?

My phone has 25 lines.
I think it might be a switchboard.

Congratulations, then.
You got the most lines.

Figure it out, Jerry.

Come on, Jerry.

Everyone else
has one line.

Oh! So, Leslie, I hear you're going to
be in front of the camera this year.

Yeah. It's exciting.
Cut the chatter.

Tele-hosting?

Not as easy as it looks.
Okay? This isn't C-SPAN.

This is Local Access 46.

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Don't blow it.

Good evening and welcome
to the tenth annual

Pawnee Cares
Diabetes Telethon.

I'm Pawnee Today's
Joan Callamezzo.

And I am not a crook.
(EXCLAIMS)

No, he's not.

What time is it?
I'm tired already.

It's 8:03. Your shift doesn't
start for another six hours.

(SIGHS)

Diabetes. Yuck.

Tonight, we're hoping the people of
Pawnee dig their big, chubby hands

into their plus-size pockets
and donate generously.

Weird, wacky stuff.

(WHISPERING) Stop it.

Coming up, a very special
video presentation called

Even My Tongue is Fat:
The Story of Pawnee.

But right now, to begin with, let's start
things off in our telethon with a song.

From Pawnee's most bookable
personality, Denise Yermley!

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Sweet dreams
are made of this

No one cares. Hello, hello.
Here you go. Right up there.

Hello? Hey, there.
Good morning.

Who's next?

I feel great.
Everything is running smoothly.

DENISE: (SINGING) Some of
them want to use you

Clipboard mouth.
Clipboard mouth.

There's some secret ingredient in these
NutriYum bars that makes me feel so good.

Sugar.
It's a block of sugar.

(EXCLAIMS)

Leslie? Leslie.

Tigers.

Hey, you told me to wake
you up at 1:45. Yep.

It's 1:45 now.
I'm up.

I need to pull it together.
My slot is coming up.

Hey, before you go on, can I just
talk to you about something?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Wait a minute. Sorry.

It's Tom. He may have
a Schrempf problem.

Okay.
You understand that, right?

I do. Take it.
T.B. continued, Ann.

I promise.
We'll talk later.

Yes.
Okay.

Hey! Hi.
Are you on your way?

The Snakehole
is booming!

People are loving
Detlef Schrempf.

I had no idea professional
athletes were so popular.

That's awesome.
But you promised to get him here.

Get him here.
Don't worry.

We're leaving soon,
all right? Bye!

Oh, you can't leave. Tommy, this is the
most business the club's done in months.

But I've got to get
him to the telethon.

He's not going anywhere.

Okay.
Oh, God. Problem.

Andy, I know I told you
that you were going

on at 3:00 a.m.
after the Detlef Schrempf

interview and career retrospective,
but you're going on now.

You're kicking things off.
Whoa!

Sweet. Headlining.

Yeah. At 2:00 a.m.
On Cable Access.

Yeah. Let's go.

So, how are things
going with you two?

They're going really well.

We're going to get married and
I'm pregnant with his child.

LESLIE: Thank you, Joan.

There are two types of diabetes,
but only one type of caring.

Type One caring.

And tonight, God willing, we
will all be stricken with that.

There's a lot of
fun stuff coming up.

Indiana Pacers legend,
Detlef Schrempf,

will be joining us
in the studio later on.

But until then,
I would like to introduce

one of the hottest
bands in Pawnee.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Mouse Rat.

(SINGING)
I know that life is crazy

Well, okay. Slight hiccup.
But we're back on track.

See that board?

When my shift is done, that
board is going to read $20,000.

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

Pawnee Cares.

Hi. Yes, I'd like to
donate $50, please.

Mmm-hmm. Leslie?

(SINGING) You've got sex hair You
got it from me, girl. Sex hair

God, we're not getting
any donations coming in.

I'm tired of waiting
for people to call us.

Let's call them.
Everybody call somebody.

Leslie, it's the
middle of the night.

LESLIE: Then, good.
They'll be home.

Donna, someone good?

No, I'm talking to
my brother, George.

You're not supposed to receive
personal phone calls.

Oh, I called him.
He's in Liberia visiting my uncle.

He wants to know
what happened on Lost.

JERRY: Oh, thank God.

Here you go.
Thank you.

DONNA: I have no idea.

Did you put
cream in this?

Uh, yeah.
Did I screw up?

No, I can drink it.

You sure?
Guys, has anyone seen Tom?

The ultimate celebrity,
I think,

to hang out with
for a night would be

Criss Angel.
You'd be talking to him,

and then, he would
just turn into fire.

(LAUGHS)

Brooks Brothers Boys is like, the
cuts are slimmer and it's cheaper.

Win-win.

Do you ever talk to someone
and you're just like,

"Oh. We're going to be best friends"?
I'm getting that, right now.

He had two beers.
Light beers.

I need you
to make that out,

"To Wendy.
Tom is an amazing guy.

"You never should
have left him.

"You made a huge
mistake in your life,

"and you're probably going to die alone.
Love, Detlef."

Do you know what, I think we should
be heading to that telethon.

Yes, we will definitely go to the
telethon soon. After this song!

(SINGING) Hopped up out the
bed Turn my swag on

Took a look in the mirror,
said, "What's up?"

(GRUNTING)

Ron? Ron. Wake up.
Ron, wake up. It's Leslie.

Oh, God! Were you
having a bad dream?

No. I suffer from a disorder
called sleep fighting.

That must be terrible.

Only when I'm losing.

Look,
I'm freaking out, okay?

Tom is not here, and he's
got Detlef Schrempf.

And I have
three hours to fill.

I'm sure you'll
figure something out.

Don't go back to sleep. Okay?
I need you to wake up. Ron? Come on.

Help me.
Attaboy.

(GROANING)

I am only here because I owe
Leslie a thousand favors.

I'm not big on charities.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.

Don't teach a man to fish,
and you feed yourself.

He's a grown man.
Fishing is not that hard.

Okay, that was the
national anthem of Canada.

And now, I'm going to see how
long I can hold a D chord.

April, will you call some
of the Rec Center teachers

and see if they want to come down
and show off their special skills?

Yes. Nod your head yes.

JERRY: I can do magic.

Egg, my lady?

Jerry, that's
disgusting and fake!

Oh, my God. It's real.
Go up there and do that.

You broke my egg.

You don't have
a second egg?

No, but I'm a very good piano player.
I'd be happy to go up there

and give it a shot.
Why are you wasting my time?

This is really serious!

You go keep your eye out for Tom.
I've got this covered.

When re-caning
an old chair,

one needs to make sure that one has
all the right elements in place.

Over. Under.

And you guessed it.
Over.

God, he's actually
losing money.

Over. Under. This chair
is almost caning itself.

No. Sir, if you want to make a
donation, you have to... Yeah.

That sounds really cool.

You sound cool.
You sound really strong.

Hey, why don't you
forget about the donation

and just come down here
and meet me in person.

What?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.
You're so funny.

You're funny. Bye.

Hey.
Hey.

Funny girl you
were talking to?

When it comes to
preparing taxes...

Oh, my God.
This is a disaster.

The only thing that's taxing is
deciding which software to buy.

LESLIE: I am
completely screwed.

I have no Schrempf, no backup
plan, no more NutriYum bars.

What do people want to watch?
Cute animals on a bike?

No time to train one.
Hot people kissing?

I don't know.
Maybe Mark and Ann would...

(GASPS)

Have you ever seen this man sleep?
It's like underwater ballet.

I have a great idea.

What's that?

I think you should
propose to Ann tonight.

Today. Whatever it is.
On camera. For diabetes.

Really?
Yes. It would be so cool.

Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad
proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV?

No.
I do.

Most women do.

On television, though?

Yes, but...
Oh, my God!

We talked about it being
something big. Right.

And I don't think we can get a hot
air balloon at this time of night.

I have my grandma's ring.

I guess I could
go home and get it.

Is there a story behind it?
Was she on the Titanic? (GASPS)

Was she on the Titanic?

No. She was
just my grandma.

It would make a great story.
I trust Leslie. I don't know.

What do you think
I should do?

(GRUNTS)

And that concludes a quick
look at QuickBooks Pro.

(LAUGHING)

Quick Books.

Okay. Thank you so much,
Barney, for that.

Thank you. Go.

We'd like to make
a quick announcement.

Detlef Schrempf is
temporarily delayed.

But coming soon, a really amazing
thing is going to happen.

So, get your wallets out
or get your handkerchiefs out.

Or get your tissues out,
if you're like me

and think handkerchiefs
are gross.

For now, please, let's take a look
at this moving video entitled,

One Butt, Two Seats:
The Widening of America.

No. Ann. Wait. Ann, Ann!

Where are you going?
Just stay a little while longer.

Leslie, I'm so beat.

I'm so sorry that
I've been crazy.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

(CLICKS TONGUE)
No worries. It can wait.

No, no. What is it?

I think I need to
break up with Mark.

I've just been feeling for a
while like something's missing.

And I kept thinking about the
question you asked me today,

about whether or not
he's the one. And he's not.

Mark really loves you. I think he's
ready to take this to the next step.

He doesn't know what he's ready for.
But I think I do.

I guess you're just going to have
to marry him and figure it out.

No.
No. No.

Why would you do that?
No, no. No. No.

Good for you, Ann.

Hey, Mark. It's Leslie. Change of plans.
Can you call me back?

Tom, get here now.
Call me. Bye.

Hey, Leslie. It's Leslie.
Hang in there. I love you. Bye.

Please be April. April?

Yeah?

It's Joe from the phone.
I made you laugh. You said come down.

Listen, my van's
out back. Let's roll.

No. Please leave.

Where are you going?
Hey. What's up?

Is this guy
bothering you?

No, I'm bothering you.

For bothering her.

Are you her
bodyguard? I mean,

she's an adult.
I think she can decide

on her own what train
she wants to ride.

It's time to go.
Whatever, man.

I work for the
Sewage Department.

I'm up to my waist
in hot snizz.

Take a walk.
Bye-bye.

Okay.

Heads. Oh, boy.
What is going to happen next?

Okay. My second
favorite episode?

Monica is making dinner,

and Joey is mad at Chandler because
Chandler made out with his girlfriend.

So, Joey says, "Get in the box.
" I forgot to tell you.

There's a box. And it's Thanksgiving Day.
So, they get ready to eat.

What is Ross and Rachel doing?
They're fighting.

So, Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler,
Monica, and Phoebe are all together.

Although, is Phoebe there?

Yes. So...

I will now drink eight glasses
of milk in three minutes.

No. No, you won't.
No, you won't.

Because if you do
that, you will die.

Oh!

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(PLAYING SENTIMENTAL TUNE)

Okay. All right. Okay.
Enough of that racket.

Well, Pawnee. It's almost
6:00 in the morning.

And, we need to keep
those donations coming in.

I know we promised
a special event coming up,

and...
(WHISPERING) Leslie.

No.
Should I come up now?

(NERVOUSLY) No. No.

No. What we're going to do is we're
going to pull our pants down.

That's what
we're going to do.

Everyone's gonna pull their
pants down for diabetes.

Okay? On one, two...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Got my swag on

Took a look in the mirror,
said, "What's up?"

Detlef, are you sure
you don't want me to drive?

I'm good to drive.

You want to come up
and play video games?

Whoa! Pull over, man.
That place has good chicken. I'm hungry.

(CLAPPING)

You just love flashing
your ass, don't you?

When it's for
a good cause, Joan.

What's up!

Hey, look who's here.

Wake up, Pawnee!

Tommy Timberlake
is in the house!

And you know
who else is with me?

Detlef Schrempf!

Tell them what
they won, son!

All right. Thanks, Tom.

Well, on behalf of the
Detlef Schrempf Foundation,

I would like to present this check
for $5,000 for diabetes research.

(ALL CLAPPING)

Oh, man! Yeah.

Thank you very much. Wow.

Wow. Big man,
big check.

By the way, I'm drunk.

And if anybody out there...

(WHISPERING)
I don't understand.

What happened?
I'm sorry.

I think I was a little tired when I
told you that you should do that.

I don't think that
that's something Ann wants.

Not on TV.

So, that's why you
pulled your pants down.

Yeah.

Wait, what did I do?

It's 6:04 a.m. and I'm Perd Hapley
of Channel 4 Eyewitness News.

And the story of this next dance
is that it's called The Worm.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANS)

Good morning, Knope.

Morning, Ron.

Everything
running smoothly?

You know, I'm happy
to go back out there,

demonstrate more
of my skills.

How to start a fire
without matches.

How to build
a cribbage board.

No, I'm okay. Thanks.

Get some sleep.

Aye-aye, Captain.

What the (BLEEP) are you
doing, Perd Hapley?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey.
Leslie?

What are you doing here?
Why aren't you sleeping?

I just... I thought maybe
you'd want to talk more

about all the crazy
stuff going on.

I do. I really do.
Thanks.

Yeah.

I've just got to tell you,
I'm a little tired.

Okay.

So, I may have parked
on your front lawn.

You did.
I did.

Oh!
Yeah.

It's... Just come in
before anybody...

Leslie and I had
an amazing talk.

It was so great of her
to come over here.

Even though she was
exhausted beyond belief.

Anyway, after we talked,
she fell asleep on my couch.

And she's been
asleep for

twenty-two hours.

It's amazing what
she slept through.

(SHATTERING)

(LAUGHING) No way.

ANN: At one point,
I thought she was up...

Hold on. Hi.

Hey.

But then, she went
right back to sleep.

(WHIRRING)

I've been monitoring her vital signs.
She's totally fine.

I love her so much.

But I think I'm going to draw
a mustache on her face.