Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Banquet - full transcript

In a town as old as Pawnee,
there's a lot of history in every acre.

This wooded area is the site of, um,
the murder, actually,

of Nathaniel Bixby Mark.

He was a pioneer who was killed
by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians,

after he traded them a baby
for what is now Indianapolis.

They cut his face off.

And they made it
into a dream catcher.

And they made his legs into rain sticks.

And that's the great thing
about Indians, back then, is,

they used every
part of the pioneer.

Today is a great day
for the Knope family.



My mother is being honored at a
banquet with the Tellenson Award

for Excellence in
Pawnee Public Service.

The award's named after the legendary
Tony Tellenson, who was a great man.

Sorry, is a great man.

I, for one, am glad that
they're keeping him alive.

I saw you survive
that town hall meeting.

You keep that up and you're
gonna be figuring out

what wall to put your
own Tellenson Award on.

Oh, I already know, the one on the
left where the American flag is.

But I think we could
be a multi-generational

political dynasty,
you and I, you know?

Like the Kennedys,
or the Bushes.

Minus the drinking problem.

I mean no disrespect.



The only reason anybody's
going to this thing

is because they're afraid of what
Marlene'll do to them if they don't.

That woman is tough.

In 1994, I gave
her a nickname.

It's unrepeatable,
but it stuck.

It's my proudest
accomplishment.

It's "The Iron
(BLEEP) of Pawnee."

LESLIE: This is very exciting.
This is a big night.

We are gonna meet some powerful
people tonight, so take this down.

TOM: Mmm-hmm.

Good evening.

Marlene Griggs-Knope
is my mother.

How important
are speeches?

I don't know, ask
the Gettysburg Address.

Oh, it didn't
answer your call?

Maybe because it was in the Smithsonian.

It was a great learning experience
because my mom casts a long shadow.

Read that part
back to me.

"I was learning-disabled and my
mom cast a very long shadow."

No, I didn't say
"learning-disabled."

Um, we'll just move on.
We can fix that later. Long shadow, go.

Okay, I've lost
my momentum now.

Um, all right,
let's start from the top.

What's the first
sentence again?

"Marlene Griggs-Knope
is morbidly obese."

I never said "obese."
I said "is my mother."

Oh, sorry.
I got it.

I need to mention the park
and in a very subtle way,

I need to let people know
that I'm forging my own path

and I have my
own subcommittee.

But I don't want to sound braggy.
What do I do?

It's about appearing
humble, you know?

Abraham Lincoln,
when he started his speeches,

he would come up and say,
" My name's Abraham Lincoln.

"I'm the President
of the United States.

"But I'm gonna be honest with you.
I have no clue what I'm doing."

So, maybe you start off
with something like that.

Okay. So, I start off with,
"I am Leslie Knope.

"I am the Deputy Director
of Parks and Recreation,

"and to be honest with you,
I don't know what I'm doing."

LESLIE: Yeah.
Yeah. Then,

I think what we want to do at that
point is start getting the energy up.

Yeah.
How about this?

"Marlene Griggs-Knope
is definitely not a whore."

No.
"Marlene Griggs-Knope

"has not five but seven Asian friends.

"Marlene Griggs-Knope has never
solicited a male prostitute.

"Marlene Griggs-Knope has said the N-word
only four times in her entire life."

No! No!

She said it
more than that?

(PLAYING GUITAR)

(DOOR OPENS)

How about this one?

That is hot.

Seriously?

Yes. That is really hot.

How come you don't dress
up like that for me?

Well, 'cause I would
feel a little silly

putting on a nice dress
to go to "the couch."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

ANN: I haven't been
out in so long.

Andy being in a cast has definitely
put a crimp in our social life.

I don't really
know Leslie's mom,

and I don't know what
the Tellenson Award is,

but at this
moment in my life,

it sounds like
a magical evening.

Babe,
I'm out of milk.

ANN: How dressy
is this, exactly?

To the max.

It is the most exclusive local
government event of the year.

Really?
Yeah.

The Tellensons is like the Oscars
times the Grammys plus the Super Bowl.

Wow. Okay.

Um, I should
probably change.

I'm headed to
the salon right now.

LESLIE: Salvatore Manfrelotti
has been cutting hair

across from Pioneer
Hall since 1958.

All the movers and shakers
who come through Pawnee

have sat in that chair
at one point or another.

I mean, he's the guy that made
Larry Bird look the way he does.

Next.

(CHUCKLES) So,
what's the inside scoop, Salvatore?

My feet hurt.

(LAUGHS) Classic Salvatore!

Do I know you?

Uh, no. This is my first
official political haircut.

I'm Leslie Knope,
Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation.

Are you related to that
Marlene Something-Knope?

That depends. Would you call
being her daughter related?

What the hell else
would you call it?

Now, what do you
want me to do with this?

Well, my mom is
being honored tonight.

So, in a way,
I am also being honored.

And I just wanted to mix things
up a little bit, you know?

Pin it up, something sassy,
but powerful and dynastic.

Hi, April.

Good evening, sir.

I'm off the clock, April.
You don't need to call me sir.

Salvatore calls this
hairdo "The Mayor."

And yes, I will wear
my hair like this

when I am the first
female mayor of Pawnee.

Oh, man, I am
way overdressed.

What are you talking about?
You look great. We look great.

Everyone's
looking at us.

Yeah, I know.

You want a drink?
Yes, I do very much want a drink.

ANN: That man
is staring.

That's former City
Councilman Frank Schnable.

Oh, we are in rarified air tonight, Ann.
Rarified air!

He's coming over. What?
Okay. Be cool, be cool!

I will try.

Hello.
Hello, former City Councilman.

I am Leslie Knope. I am the daughter
of the honoree this evening.

I just wanted to tell you that I think

that what you two are doing is so brave.

Just being
who you are.

I wish I had
your courage.

Okay, let's go.

RON: I enjoy
government functions

like I enjoy getting kicked in
the nuggets with a steel-toe boot.

But this hotel always
serves bacon-wrapped shrimp.

That's my number one favorite food wrapped
around my number three favorite food.

I'd go to a banquet and honor
of those Somali pirates,

if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.
Excuse me.

Hey, Table 12.
Can I get a "what what?"

Wow.

LESLIE: Thank you.

I mean, Ann,
you look stunning, but, Leslie, wow.

I was going for wow.

TOM: You got it.

I was told it
was black tie.

I like your
hairdo, Leslie.

Thank you, Ron.

It's just like my brother's.
He's an officer in the Air Force.

Bacon-wrapped shrimp.

Oh. Thanks, I'm okay.

I wasn't offering.

(GASPS) Oh,
Ann, don't look.

No, no, I said don't look.

Seated behind us
is Janine Restrepo.

LESLIE: We need to rezone the
pit to turn it into a park

and she's on
the zoning board.

Oh, what a night!
Please.

This is so cool.

At that table are all eight
living Tellenson Award winners.

Bert Winfield, Geoffrey Morglesberg,
Quentin Arble, Dawn Krink,

Michael Holloway, I don't know who
that is, that's somebody's wife,

Horace Rangel, Wilmer Vism
and Oscar Pfortmiller.

Wait.
Oscar Pfortmiller is dead.

That's his
disappointing son, Theo.

Another dynasty.
What a testament to my mother.

If a bomb went off in here, it would
definitely make the Indianapolis papers.

Guys, we have to get me to
talk to Janine Restrepo.

She's right behind us and
she could rezone our park.

Well, then just go up there and
say hello and start talking to her.

Brilliant political
strategy, Mark.

(CHUCKLES)

Maybe I should mention
her massive weight loss.

You're over-thinking this.

Here, I'm gonna pretend to be
Janine Restrepo. You, be you. Go.

Hello, Madame Zoning Board
Member Janine Restrepo.

I am Leslie Knope from the Parks...
What are you doing?

Oh, I'm Pawnee Zoning Board
Member Janine Restrepo.

And I can do
whatever I want.

Please, tell me about this park
that you badly need rezoned by me.

(MARK LAUGHS) Okay, well,
I think it would be a good idea

to have a multi-use community park.
MARK: Oh. Do you?

ANN: Oh!
MARK: Wait, what's that?

What? I'm just former City
Councilman Frank Whatever-The-Hell.

And I have more power than Janine
Restrepo, so I can do whatever I want.

I don't even know if that's true or not.

Oh, my God, really?
Well, I'm Marlene Griggs-Knope

and I will
destroy you all!

(ALL THREE LAUGHING)

What the hell
are you guys doing?

It's fun to pretend to
be zoning board members.

(LAUGHING)

LESLIE: Hey! Hi!

Hey...

My goodness.
Look at you.

You like?
I went to Salvatore.

(CHUCKLES) Salvatore
usually does men.

Usually.

But this time he made an exception.
Hmm.

This is Ann Perkins.

Oh, right,
Leslie's new friend.

Yeah, friend. She's...
We're friends. Just friends.

I have a boyfriend.
He's a man.

So, I need your advice.
I'm seated near Janine Restrepo.

The queen of
the zoning board?

Am I the only (BLEEP) Person here
who doesn't know Janine Restrepo?

I think she could be
very useful. What's my in?

Oh, let's see.
You wrote a speech?

Yes. It's 22 minutes
long, with the song.

I could cut the song.
The song's cut.

Scrap the whole thing.

Let's make the
speech work for us.

Oh, politics! Yes!
My mom is crazy good at this.

Okay, the two things
you have going for you

is your connection
with me, of course,

and the fact that Restrepo
loves feeling important.

So make sure that
you butter her up.

I will.

I'll make her feel
like a human dinner roll.

Hello, everyone. I'm Leslie Knope,
Marlene's daughter.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom,
but she's so much more than that.

She's also my mother.
And together, we are the Knopes.

And if you
weren't thinking it,

you probably already said it,
"political dynasty."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Please save your
applause until the end.

There are so many
luminaries here tonight.

I mean, the list includes
such amazing people as

zoning board member
Janine Restrepo,

and others. In conclusion,
my mom is Marlene Griggs-Knope.

And I am just so psyched
that Janine Restrepo is here.

I love you, Mom.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

And you, too, Janine.

TOM: You're the man, Leslie!
Thanks, Tom.

Hi, Ann. I wish I could talk.
Moving and shaking.

This is my evening.
I'm Leslie's trophy wife.

I'd like to invite anyone who
has a few words to say to Marlene

to come up
during dinner.

Hello, Pawnee government!
My name is Tom Haverford.

And if five years ago, you told
me I was gonna be in this ballroom

with Marlene Griggs-Knope, I would've
guessed we were getting married.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Janine? Hi.

Hi. Have we
ever met?

No, but I am
a big fan.

I'm Marlene's daughter.

Yeah, I got that.

Right, and I would
love to speak to you

about the ways we can improve our city.

Okay, well,
call my secretary,

and maybe we can set
something up for next month.

Okay. Okay.
Okay. All right.

Next month, then.
Fine. Uh-huh.

Bye.

Andy, I can't
leave now.

I'll get one for you on the way home.

Okay, meatball and ham. Wait, is
that two different subs? Really?

I don't know if
they can do that.

Come on! I'm serious!

Now, the words "too sexy"
aren't really in my vocabulary,

but, Marlene, girl,
you are too sexy!

(ALL LAUGHING)

I refuse to lather Marlene up,
kiss her ring like everybody else.

Instead I'll be delivering
a speech of facts.

Marlene is a woman.

She has worked in the government
for three decades. Thirty years.

Properly applied, that's how
long a good varnish should last.

So, Marlene,

it is true that you
have won this award.

Brendanawicz. Let's bounce.
We're gonna be late.

For what?
Ladies. Scully's Bar.

Let's go. Bounce,
bounce, bounce.

No. Please, you guys are
the only people here I know.

Uh, well, this thing's
kind of wrapping up.

Maybe we could
leave a little later.

Uh, it's 9:30, on a
Friday night in Pawnee.

There's not gonna
be a later, Mark.

Come on, now,
you promised we'd go hit on chicks.

Maybe you and Leslie
can join us at the bar.

Look, I would love to come
hit on chicks with you guys,

but she seems kind of
engaged in something

and I think
I should probably stay.

You'd hit on
chicks? For real?

All right,
you know what?

We're gonna be at Scully's if
you two can tear yourselves away.

TOM: Let's do this, Mark.

It went really
well with Restrepo.

She said I should call her and we
can set something up next month.

Did she say call her
or call her secretary?

Secretary.

That's good, right?
Secretary makes her schedule.

That's great, honey.
She's blowing us off.

What? No! Really?

Honey, she's totally
blowing us off.

What? That is not conduct
worthy of the zoning board.

MARLENE: She's a
little weasel.

Okay, I didn't want
to have to use this,

but her husband got a DUI
in Illinois last week.

And she's trying
to keep it quiet.

Well, everyone
has their problems.

So, what should
my next tactic be?

The DUI, Leslie.
Let her know you know all about it,

connect it to
what you want,

and then tell her if she
doesn't help you, and soon,

you're gonna tell
everybody in town.

I don't think
I could do that.

I mean, I want to win a
Tellenson Award some day.

They don't give lifetime
achievement awards

to people who do
things like that.

Sweetheart, they only give
lifetime achievement awards

to people who do
things like that.

Those are eight of the nastiest,
most diabolical people

you could ever
want to meet.

Bert Winfield
was a blackmailer.

And Dawn Krink slept her
way to the top of the DMV.

Trip Holloway named
names in the '50s.

Horace Rangel used the police
department to harass journalists.

And Jesus, honey.
Tony Tellenson was the worst.

He tried to re-segregate
the drinking fountains.

Hey, Ann,
where's Mark?

He left with Tom.

Shoot! I have a tough assignment,
and I need his help with it.

I could help.
Give me something to do.

Okay, well, apparently Restrepo
was trying to blow us off,

so my mom has a plan.

We're gonna twist
her arm a little bit.

She's trying to cover up for the fact
that she has a husband who likes to

vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom
and glug-glug-glug-glug-glug.

So you're gonna
blackmail her?

No, I'm just gonna get tough
with her, Tellenson-style.

That doesn't sound tough to me,
that sounds slimy.

It sounds like your mom's
telling you to be slimy.

Ann, you don't understand politics.
Look, nursing is easy.

Really? Yeah.
You just go to work,

and people come in,
and you heal them.

But politics is
different, you know?

Sometimes you have
to bring the pain.

You can't let yourself
get taken advantage of.

I think your mom's
giving you bad advice.

I don't think so.

You just do everything
your mom tells you to do?

You just do everything your
boyfriend tells you to do?

Make any pancakes lately?

He has two
broken legs.

Yeah, and he's got three crutches.
And one of them is you!

And the other
two are crutches.

You know, I don't
need to be here.

(SCOFFS)

It's okay. You're
allowed to fight.

You two are just
like everyone else.

Thank you,

former Councilman Schnable.

And now, a very special message
from Mr. Anthony Tellenson himself,

recorded earlier this year
from his hospital bed,

before he lost
the power of speech.

I'm leaving
now, honey.

Cool Ranch, got it.
Anything else?

Mmm... I'm not sure I'm gonna
be able to get those tonight.

Well, 'cause I don't think I can find a
store that's open that sells slippers.

TOM: I've been dying
to go out with Mark.

Always thought we'd
make a great team.

You know? He's handsome,
I'm a cutie pie.

He's laid back. I'm more in your face,
but in a fun way.

Ladies don't stand a chance.

Uh... What's with the hat?

It's called peacocking.

Basically, I'm
wearing something

that kind of makes me
stand out, like a peacock.

So, the girls will be like,
"Hey, what's with that hat?"

I'm gonna go peacock it out.
I'll be back.

Okay.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you, Tony,
for those inspiring twitches and blinks.

LESLIE: I think we're gonna meet a
little earlier than what you said.

How about Monday?

Call my secretary
and we'll set it up.

Not good enough.

Not good enough?
Nope.

I know about things.

Well, my schedule
is my schedule.

So, I'm just gonna
get back to my dessert.

Drive much?

Excuse me?
Your husband.

Does he drive much

out of state?

I know that your husband
is a drunk driver.

My mom told me.

What do you want?

Uh...

Just saying. I...

(GASPS)

Get out.
Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.
Mmm-hmm.

I don't know what came over me.
Leave.

I hope your husband gets help and that
you have a long and happy marriage.

Stacy, Becky tells me that you
two are both real estate agents.

That must be fun.

Uh-huh.

MARK: Any cool
stories you got, huh?

Um...
What do you mean?

Like, I don't know,
anything weird or funny happen

when you guys are
showing people houses?

Um...

One time,
I forgot my keys to one of the houses.

(LAUGHING)
MARK: Whoa!

Oh, my God,
you do that, too?

Yeah. I've done that.
That's the worst.

Then you have to drive all the way back,

and then you have to
be like, "I forgot my keys."

(LAUGHING) And then they're like,
"You did that twice."

Look at these guys!
The key-forgetting twins!

I'll be right back.

Can I settle up,
please?

Dude. What is
your problem?

What? Becky and Stacy
are both really into you,

and you're blowing it with them. And
that's making them lose interest in me.

Becky and Stacy are boring.

I need you
back there, man.

I've seen you hook up
with more trashy chicks

in the last year than
I can count, all right?

If there was a Tellenson Award for hooking
up with trashy chicks all the time,

you'd have several
of those awards.

You're the king.
You're my hero.

Tom, I'm gonna
get out of here.

I'll see you Monday, okay?

(SIGHS)

Hey.
Hi.

Come on in.

I just wanted to tell you that
I didn't go through with it,

blackmailing
that woman.

I tried, but I just
couldn't do it.

Good. That's a good thing.

It wasn't you.

You know, there was
definitely some truth

about that thing you
said about me and Andy.

No. What?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.
Me, too.

(CHUCKLING) Oh.

Whoa! Hey!
What the hell?

Oh. Hi, Leslie.

I thought you
were a dude.

The people who win awards
aren't always the best people.

I mean, I think Ann and
I are really good people,

and someday others will see
that and we'll get our due.

Would I like to win a Tellenson
Award like my mom did? Sure.

But my dad never won an award,
and he was always happy.

He lives in Florida,
in a cemetery.

The point is, my mom is alive and
I love her. She's one tough cookie.

That's why everybody calls her
"The Iron (BLEEP) of Pawnee."

Fondly.

Yes, I'm married.

But my wife understands that a good
politician has to be appealing to the ladies.

The fact that I haven't even
gotten close to cheating on her

is a disappointment
to both of us.

You like the color orange?
Carrots? You into those?