Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Rock Show - full transcript

LESLIE: This is very exciting.

We are at Saint Joseph's
Medical Center

because, today, Andy Dwyer
is getting his casts off.

It is a great day
for Andy,

and it's a wonderful day
for my subcommittee.

Oh, my God.

Your boobs are dead.

Stop it.
No, they're not.

I'm calling it.

Time of boob death
9:18 a.m.

We did everything we could,
but they were just too small.



LESLIE: Okay, Ann,
how do you feel?

I feel good.

I'm recording some of these
soundbites for the website,

so I need you to say something a
little bit more moving and poignant.

You know, pithy,
articulate.

Kind of grabby,
but unrehearsed.

Like you just made it up,
but think about it for a second.

Now say something like that.
And then be funny.

Okay, go.
How do you feel?

(STUTTERS)

I'm happy.

That's great.

If Leslie had a boyfriend
and he broke his legs,

I would do the same
for her.



I'd probably bring fewer
stuffed animals, though.

(WHIRRING)

Yeah.

Yay!

TOM: Wow, it's like
a sweaty pi?ata.

ANN: Hey, my iPod!
Oh, yeah! My pirate!

Doctor, if I may,
could I keep that cast, please?

It's a highly disgusting request,
but I don't see why not.

Thank you.
This is a symbol of new beginnings,

a symbol of hope,
and of our project.

We will build this park!

It is gonna feel so good
to walk again, finally.

Easy!

LESLIE: Oh, no!
Oh, my... Oh, no!

Yeah, they might be
a little weak at first.

ANDY: Thank you, guys.

TOM: Welcome back into the
world of walking, Andy.

LESLIE: Yes.

ANN: I just
wanted to say...

Quiet, everyone!
Ann wants to say something.

I wanted to thank you all
for being so supportive.

When Andy
fell in the pit,

I didn't expect anyone in
government to reach out to us.

So, thanks.

You're welcome.

Hey, you're
welcome, Ann.

Babe, when are you gonna
tell them about my show?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Andy's band is
playing a show.

And we want
you all to come.

(GASPS)

It's gonna be a party, so check your
suits at the door. It's gonna get crazy.

Andy's band is really good,
and it's been driving him nuts that he can't play.

He's been writing all these songs about
things that are physically near him.

(SINGING) Sandwich!
Are you turkey or ham?

ANN: Ham.

(SIGHS)

(SINGING) Lamp! Wish you were a lamp
that would light up when you get touched

MARK: What kind of music
does your band play?

You know,
I don't really like to define it,

but it's like Matchbox
Twenty meets The Fray.

So, rock.

Well, again,
I don't really like to define it.

So, undefinable rock?

You know, again, the term "rock,"
I think, defines it.

I totally get
what you mean.

So, I would love to come to this thing.
When is it?

Tonight at 8:00.

No! Tonight?
Yeah.

I can't go.
Why not?

My mom set up
this meeting.

It's like a political
t?te-?-t?te with a local bigwig.

Leslie, you're not
gonna go? Come on!

Oh, you guys. You know how I love
mixing work into my personal life.

This guy is important,

and he has valuable information
that could help us build a park.

(WHINES) But I wanna
go to the concert!

Come on! Play hooky!
Blow off the meeting.

Oh, I wanna go to
that concert so bad,

but I have to go to the meeting.
I have to go.

But I'll meet up with you guys
after the t?te-?-t?te, I promise.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Hey,
Mark, congratulations.

Oh. Thanks, Nate.
For what?

You got that speed bump thing
taken care of. Finally. Nice work.

Oh, yeah. Yay.

There used to be this huge speed
bump in the center of town.

It was insane.

So, I decided I wanted
to do something about it,

and I got it
lowered 2 inches.

Apparently, what I can achieve in
government can literally be measured.

Hey, Mom.

Hi, sweetie,
what can I do for you?

Is that meeting still happening?
The one with the bigwig?

As far as I know.

Would it be unusual
to reschedule the meeting?

Well, you would
come off as a little flakey.

Unless that's the impression
you're trying to make?

Flakey is the worst thing
a politician can be.

Or corrupt.

Or a rapist.

There are a lot of pitfalls in
politics but those are the big three.

So, do I need to know
anything about this guy?

What's his
political pedigree?

His name is George Gernway.
He's the city manager in Eagleton.

He's divorced
with two children.

Okay, good to know.
"Knowledge is power." Francis Bacon.

Or Mary J. Blige?

MARLENE:
Leslie's not much of a dater.

You don't meet many guys at the
hall of records, the public library,

or the shoe section
at JC Penney,

so I set her up with a wonk I
met at a government conference.

All he talks about
are city codes.

She's gonna love him.

Is that what
you're gonna wear?

No, I was gonna wear something a
little more formal and buttoned down.

I don't wanna blow it.

Why don't you try
something more stylish?

Like Laura Bush stylish
or Michelle Obama stylish?

Come tonight,
it's my boyfriend's band.

Hey, Dr. Harris.

Andy's playing
a show tonight,

and we'd love it
if you came by.

I think there's gonna be a good
turnout at Andy's show tonight.

He wrote this new song about what
happened to him called The Pit.

It's one of those rare songs
that rocks really hard,

and also informs people about
a small public works project.

So, Andy's doing well?

Yeah, he's a little shaky still,
but that's to be expected.

Well, not really.

If he had his casts
removed two weeks ago,

the muscles wouldn't
have atrophied so much.

I'm sorry,
two weeks ago?

That's when they were
scheduled to come off.

But he told me that you
told him he should wait.

No. He rescheduled.
Said it was personal,

that he'd explain later,
but then he never explained.

I have waited on him hand
and foot for two months.

Well, I guess
that explains it.

(LAUGHS)

AND Y: Hey, what's up,
people of Pawnee?

(CROWD CHEERING)
All right! All right.

Uh... In just a minute,
Scarecrow Boat is gonna rock it out.

Please be patient while we
rock out the equipment setup.

AND Y: The band has had a few
different names over the years.

We started, we were
Teddy Bear Suicide,

but then we changed it
to Mouse Rat.

Uh. Then we were
God Hates Figs,

Two Doors Down,
Department of Homeland Obscurity.

Then we were Three Skin,
Just the Tip,

Flames for Flames,
Muscle Confusion,

Nothing Rhymes with Orange,

then Everything Rhymes
with Orange,

Andy Dwyer Experience,
A.D. And the D Bags,

The Andy Andy Andies.

Rad Wagon. Five Skin,
Four Skin.

Nothing Rhymes
with Blorange.

Death of a Scam Artist,
Razor Dick.

Puppy Pendulum,
Possum Pendulum,

Penis Pendulum,
Hand Rail Suicide, Angel Snack.

Jet Black Pope,
Punch Face Champions, Ninja Dick,

we went back to Mouse Rat,
and now we are Scarecrow Boat.

God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow
Boat out loud, I kind of hate it.

Now, you know that we're gonna be
building a park on a residential lot,

so, of course we're gonna have
to get the zoning codes approved

and amended by
our city council.

What kind of
movies do you like?

Huh?

Uh. Well, you know, documentaries,
political thrillers.

I like all kinds of movies.

Great.

So, I brought some
pictures of the lot,

and you can tell that the
houses are very close to it.

How difficult is
re-zoning in your town?

Could you go into detail
a little bit about that?

Sure.
Great.

It's refreshing to be with
someone who actually likes

talking about
government issues.

Most of the women
I go out with find it boring.

Well, you know, you have
to have zoning codes,

or else the whole
thing could be chaos.

You are a very no-nonsense person,
aren't you?

I like that.

Your mother mentioned
that you don't date much.

What?

I've been focusing on my career.
Why do you ask?

I haven't been dating much
either since my divorce.

It hasn't been easy.

And I'm coping,
but it was tough on the kids.

Not my kids,
'cause they're grown-up,

but it was tough
on their kids.

I'm sorry.

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry.
Okay.

I apologize.

Shouldn't bring up my
divorce on a first date.

But I feel I can
tell you anything.

Uh...

Okay.
Okay.

Let's have
some more wine.

See where
the night takes us.

He thinks we're on a date.
Did you tell him we were on a date?

MARLENE: It is a date.
What did you think it was?

A political
strategy session.

Leslie, you're not
getting any younger.

Well, neither is he.
And he's 62 years old.

I think it's
going quite well.

And she looks like
a young Sandy Duncan.

Oh. Just go back in there
and finish the dinner.

Let him think
it's a date.

You don't have to have sex
with him if you don't want to.

What? Are you crazy?

Hi, how are you?

Hey, Parks Department.

Hey, Mark.

This is Beth, my ex-wife
Tammy's better-Iooking sister.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

You guys are together?

Yup. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me.
Then we divorced.

Then last week, I ran
into her sister Beth here.

Turns out she hates Tammy, too,
so we've started dating.

It's like a fairy tale.
Yeah, Tammy stinks.

Brendanawicz!
Hey, Tom.

Hey. I want you
to meet my wife.

Hi. I'm Wendy Haverford.

Hi. You're Tom's wife.

(CHUCKLES) Don't
hold it against me.

Look at how hot she is.
Isn't that crazy?

And she's a surgeon.

She makes
a ton of money!

Bam!

This is Derek.

Cool. How long have
you guys been dating?

We're just friends.

He's like the gayest
person I've ever met.

But I make out with him
when I'm drunk sometimes.

You know, if you don't wanna talk to me,
you can just say so.

I don't wanna
talk to you.

Apparently, tonight, I'm the
Parks Department's seventh wheel.

(COUGHING)

Are you okay?

It's good. Yeah.

This is my oldest son.

He's a very no-nonsense
person like yourself.

And this is my youngest.
He's about your age.

Terrific.

So, did you give
any more thought to

those zoning code
questions I asked you?

Oh. Come on, enough business.
Let's have some fun!

Try some of my chicken.

Oh, no. That's okay.

Just a taste.
Have a little taste of chicken!

Just a bit!
Just a taste!

Chicken, chicken, chicken!

Mmm.
Delicious, right?

Mmm-hmm.

I really like
this restaurant.

Yeah. It's a great place
for a business meeting.

Andy. Andy.
We need to talk.

Babe, hey. We're just
about to start.

Could you grab me
a triple whiskey water?

(SIGHS) You would
like that, wouldn't you?

Yep.

You have two perfectly good legs.
Get it yourself.

All right. Hey, guys!
Thanks for coming out.

(CROWD CHEERING)
We're Scarecrow Boat.

This first song is
called Menace Ball.

(WHISTLING)

Two, three, four...

(SINGING)
I know you been changing

But I been changing, too

You say that
you've moved on...

Thank you.

What kind of
movies do you like?

You already
asked me that.

Oh. Sorry.
Senior moment.

(SIGHS) Hey,
am I keeping you from something?

No, no.

Yes. My friend Andy is playing in a band
tonight, and I kind of wanted to go.

Well, if you want to go to
the rock show, I don't mind.

Really? Are you sure?

Sure! I haven't been to
a rock show in a long time.

Might be fun.
All this and a rock show, too?

The last rock show I went
to was the Everly Brothers.

Hmm.
You like the Everly Brothers?

They're my
favorite rock group.

They're so good.

(LAUGHING)

I am getting very
positive signals.

(SINGING)
You and me together

You and me forever

You and me together forever

Together forever

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

All right, take five, guys.
I'm gonna go acoustic.

(CLEARS THRO AT) This next
song is dedicated to her,

my girlfriend, Ann.

I call it Ann.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GUITAR PLAYING)

(SINGING)

Ann

Hey, the band's really good.

I liked that song
Grapple Hound.

Gossip Town?
Right.

My only criticism,
I hate the name of the band.

Yeah, they should change
their name to Big, Lying Baby.

Or Where's My Sandwich?

Or Don't Forget To Bring
Home Beers After Work.

Okay. Since you brought it up,
I'm just gonna say it.

I don't get you and...

I mean, it doesn't
make any sense to me.

I mean, I like Andy a lot.

But there's tons of guys
out there who have jobs

and who respect you

and think you're attractive.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

You mean guys like you...
No!

(LAUGHING)
...for instance?

No, no, no,
no, no, not me.

Oh. Okay. Good, 'cause,
for a second there,

I thought you were hitting on
me in front of my boyfriend.

No! Not my style.

Even though you did just call him a big,
lying baby.

And I do find you attractive.

So, you are hitting on me.

No. I'm not.
I promise you.

But if I were,
would you be interested?

No.

Okay.
Let me tell you why,

because I'm in
a crappy mood,

and I don't really appreciate
what's happening right here.

Number one, you've never been in a
relationship that's lasted longer than a week.

Number two, the girls...
That's fine. Just...

...you do choose to
spend the week with...

That's enough. That's enough.
Look, I was not trying to ask you out, I promise.

Well, I'm glad
we avoided that.

(SINGING) Pit!
I fell in it, the pit

You fell in it, the pit

We all fell in it, the pit

Pit! I fell in it, the pit

You fell in it, the pit

We all fell in it, the pit

Pit! I was in it, the pit

We all fell in that pit

Thank you very much, everybody!
We are Scarecrow Boat!

No! Screw it!
We are Mouse Rat!

Thank you very much!
Good night!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Damn it. I missed it?

Leslie!
Who's your friend?

I'm George.
I'm Leslie's date.

Yes. He's my date.
George Gernway.

He's the City
Manager in Eagleton.

Hi, George Gernway.
I'm Tom Haverford.

This is my wife, Wendy.
She's my age.

Hi.
Hello.

Andy. Andy.

What do you think
of the show?

Can I talk to you
for a second? Alone?

Yeah. Okay, definitely.

I have to break down this gear
real quick, so two seconds.

AND Y: I have no idea
why Ann is upset with me.

But I do know she's too nice to yell
at me in front of all these people.

So, I am not
leaving this bar.

So, I heard you went to Indiana State.
Yes.

My buddy Todd went there.
Maybe you know him.

What year did
you graduate?

1968.

Oh! Todd graduated in 2005,
so you probably missed him.

How was your
date with Leslie?

We rework the mix on the demo.

We change the band name,
and then we send the demo out.

We're completely ready...
Andy, let's go.

Honey, I'm just
debriefing with the band.

It's just gonna
be just one second.

Let's go.
LESLIE: Hey! Hi!

Whoa! Leslie Knope! I'm so glad you
made it. You have to meet my band.

Okay. Hi, band!
Hey. What's going on?

Oh. I'm so sorry
that I missed your songs.

Is there any way that you guys could
do like an encore or something?

An encore. I like it.

Guys, let's get our stuff
out of the boxes. Let's go.

No, no, forget it.
No, we're going home.

No, Ann, don't leave.
I just got here.

Yeah, it would be really rude
to leave when she just got here.

I mean, she brought her dad.

It'd be kind of rude to not
do at least one more song.

Andy.

(SIGHS) Okay,
let's go. Let's go.

Sorry, Leslie. We're gonna go.
I'll call you tomorrow.

LESLIE: Okay.
This weekend, guys.

Look. Dead or asleep?

Dead or asleep?

George. George!

(LAUGHS) Oh.

Look at me,
out like a light.

I think I should
head home now.

Okay.

It was nice to meet you.
It was fun.

I had a nice time.
Don't think I'll go out with her again.

There was just no spark.

How did Leslie
meet her boyfriend?

She used to read him books
at the senior center.

Wow. How old is he?

He's six, but he has Benjamin
Button Disease. BETH: Whoa.

Hey, who wants to
see me climb a tree?

TOM: I do!
BETH: I do!

MARK: Deputy Director Knope.

Where do you
think you're going?

Home. It's been
a really crappy night.

Have a beer with me.

I can't believe my mom tried to
set me up with an 80-year-old man.

(LAUGHING)

I went to dinner tonight
with somebody's grandpa.

You know what?
That guy was too young for you.

(LAUGHS) You should be dating
guys in their early hundreds.

I'm telling you,
you should be dating men

that Al Roker announces
their birthdays.

(LAUGHING)

Hey! Congratulations
are in order.

I heard that you got that
speed bump thing through.

Don't make fun of me.
I'm not.

Oh, yeah. I made a bump into a smaller
bump. It's a great day for America.

What are you talking about?
That thing was a pain in the butt.

You fixed a problem.
That's what we're supposed to do.

You know, honestly, when I went to
college, and I studied City Planning...

Yes?

I thought I was gonna get a chance to
build these, you know, perfect cities.

With public transportation

and downtown pedestrian areas
with beautiful landscaping,

and all I ever really do is regulate
the size of people's garage additions.

You can do it all,
Brendanawicz.

The people of Pawnee don't know
how lucky they are to have you.

Mark and I are really
connecting tonight.

Like we connected when we
made love five years ago.

There are a million similarities
between that night and this night.

We were drinking.
We were at a bar.

LESLIE: If you could put anything in
the park, what would you put in there?

Okay...
Don't over-think it.

Keep it simple, nice shady trees,
lots of grass, benches.

A picnic table?
Sure. Water feature.

Like, huge rocks
to be climbing on.

A play area for the kids.
God, that sounds wonderful.

I would live in that park.
But then you'd be homeless.

(LAUGHS) BARTENDER: Hey,
we're closing up.

Oh.

What time is it?
I should go.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

We're getting drinks to go.
Come on. Beers to go!

(LAUGHING) Where are we going?
All the bars are closed.

(LESLIE LAUGHING)

You think I can get my beer bottle
in that shopping cart right there?

What? Mark, don't.
This pit isn't a dump.

Yes, it is.
Look around, Leslie.

I mean, there's
crap everywhere.

One beer bottle is not
gonna make any difference.

(LESLIE LAUGHING)

Damn it!
I was so close there!

Yeah, so...
It was pretty close!

So far to the left!
So far to the left!

You think you can do any better?
No, please.

I don't want anyone to see!
I'm the Deputy Director of Parks...

You're the Deputy Director
of Parks and blah blah...

You know, nobody's
gonna see it.

Go on and chuck it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Unbelievable!
That's unbelievable!

You missed the entire pit,
which is huge, by the way.

Andy, I'm so sick
of talking about this.

I didn't do anything wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong?
Mmm-mmm.

I waited on you
hand and foot.

And it was exhausting!

I fed you meals, and you could've
had your casts off two weeks ago!

That is not true.
It's not true?

So you're calling
Dr. Harris a liar?

Yes.
Yeah?

Why would he lie
about that?

I don't know, that's a good question.
Maybe to make some more money.

How would he
make more money?

Easy.

HMOs.

Do you want me
to call Dr. Harris?

I'm gonna call
Dr. Harris right now.

How about that?
You call him!

You get me on the phone with Dr. Harris.
Yes. Yes. I will.

Don't call him right now!

ANN: Why?
Because it's late.

ANDY: Listen,
just put the phone down.

Fine! You want the truth?

Yes.

Could I have gotten my
casts off two weeks ago?

Technically, yes. But

I really, really like it
when you serve me food.

Get out.
Get out of my house.

(GROANS) But what...

Take a walk with your
overly-healed legs,

and let me think
about this relationship.

Babe! I'm not going anywhere
till you forgive me.

I'm not giving up on you.

LESLIE: Okay, this pit.
Give it to me straight.

Are we ever gonna
turn it into a park?

(LAUGHS) Leslie,
this is already a park!

Look, I mean, you got
Dirt Slide over here,

you got Ring Around The
Diaper you could play there.

(LESLIE LAUGHING)

You've got Duck, Duck, Glass
you could play right there.

Mystery Trash.

What's not to love about this park,
right here, now?

I wish we could turn it into
a pit, frankly, don't you?

But, seriously,
I mean, really?

Honestly, Leslie,
it's gonna be a long, uphill battle.

You are gonna
be super annoyed

with all the people
that want you to fail.

There is a sea of red tape,
endless roadblocks.

So, yeah, I don't know.
I don't know.

Screw it. I'm gonna
try to do it anyway.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

LESLIE: I mean,
Kennedy put a man on the moon.

MARK: He did.

LESLIE: I can build one park.

I really admire
your tenacity.

I really admire you.

(SIGHS)

No, no.
Wait, what am I doing?

(SIGHS) This isn't the way
I want this to happen again.

Leslie, it's not
that big a deal.

I think you should
go home, Mark.

All right, okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna get out of here.
Yeah.

(CHUCKLING) I'm sorry.
It's okay, it's...

No. Oh, my God!

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God!

LESLIE: Oh, my God!
Mark, are you all right?

ANDY: Wow.

(GROANS) Are you okay?
Oh, my God!

MARK: Go get some help.
LESLIE: Help!

MARK: Go get some help.
LESLIE: Help!

MARK: Go get some help.
LESLIE: Help!

(LAUGHING) Hey, babe!
Baby, open up!

That guy Mark
just fell in the pit!

What?
You know that guy Mark?

Yeah.
He just fell in the pit!

You gotta go check it out.
You're a nurse.

I think he'd
probably be hurt.

(LAUGHING) Seriously,
it's pretty bad!

(AND Y SINGING)
Pit! I fell in it, the pit

You fell in it, the pit

We all fell in it, the pit

The pit!
I fell in it, the pit

You fell in it, the pit

We all fell in it, the pit

The pit!
Well, I was in it, the pit

You were in it, the pit!

We all were in it, the pit!

The pit!
I was in it, the pit!

You fell in it, the pit

We all fell in that pit