Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Boys' Club - full transcript

TOM: So, we've been called
out to this hiking trail

because there's
some reports

that some teenagers are digging
bags of dog poop out of the trash

and having
dog poop fights.

I don't believe it.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, my God.
It's real.

Uh... Yeah, I'm not gonna go
deal with this. I'm leaving.

Hey! Hey!
Hello? Boys!

I am Leslie Knope. I work for the
Department of Parks and Recreation.

(BOYS LAUGHING)
BOY 1: Nice!



Okay, all right.
Cool it! Okay.

BOY 1: Get her shoes!
(SCREAMING) No!

That's disgusting!
What are you doing?

Help! Help! Help! Tom!

Tom!

(RETCHES) No!
Smells so bad!

(GRUNTING)

Why would you
think this was fun?

(BOYS LAUGHING) Really?
Oh, really? Really?

Oh, hey! Hey!
You like it?

Boom!

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

Okay, here we go.
Who wants it?

(GRUNTS)



Whoo, missed it!

Yeah!

(PANTING) Actually,
this is a little fun. This is fun.

BOY 2: Get her hair!

Oh.

Ooh. Hey, Tom.
Check it out.

Norton Construction
just sent this over.

Whoa, mama!

(EXHALES) I love
Great Lakes wine.

You can have the wine. I want to take
that cheese and do terrible things to it.

(LESLIE TUTTING)

No, no,
no, no, no!

You know as
well as I do

that we are not allowed
to accept gifts over $25,

for corruption reasons.

We live in
a fish bowl

and the public is
always watching.

That's why I go
two towns over

if I want to rent
a movie with nudity in it.

Mmm.

Yeah, I probably
shouldn't have said that.

But you cannot enjoy this basket,
I'm so sorry.

And so to avoid temptation,
I am gonna lock it up.

When you're
in government,

there's a million ways
to exploit your power.

Have I ever given in
to that temptation?

No, never. I'm not
that kind of politician.

Official Parks and Rec
business.

Just need to grab
a quick hot dog.

Sorry about that, little girl,
you can have the next one.

TOM: I have a moral code,
and I never violate it.

People look at me
and they say, "Wow, Tom.

"You are so pure, you're like
a brown Superman with a beard

"that just stands for justice
and truth and the American way."

So, Ann.
I asked April to create one of those

social network Internet profiles
for the Sullivan Street pit.

So, are you guys
ready for the debut?

Yes, can we cut that red
ribbon around your monitor now?

Absolutely.
I love a good ribbon cutting.

(LESLIE EXCLAIMS)

Oh. April,
that's good.

Yeah.
LESLIE: Kids.

Hey, look,
the pit already has six friends.

Oh, yeah. Mark.
Mark's a friend.

Well, you guys gotta
see Mark's profile.

Look at the photos of
these ladies on his page.

Wow.
Ew! Sick.

LESLIE: Maybe those
are his relatives.

Yeah, maybe fake boobs
run in his family.

Look at this lady.
She's got a thong on her face.

Oh, my God, his favorite
movie is Dances With Wolves.

Okay, we're good.

We'll keep checking in on this.

Where is Mark,
anyway?

Attending yet another meeting
of the old boys' club.

LESLIE: Politics is full of boys' clubs,
formal and informal.

Behind me are all the members of the
city council over the past 30 years.

And every day, as a woman,
I have to walk past this wall of men.

It can be very upsetting.
Especially because of that guy.

No matter what
direction I move,

he's always staring
at my chest.

Hmm.

See?

What are they
doing out there?

Wheeling and dealing.

Divvying up the empire.

Oh, my wife got
me this shirt.

She swears it makes me look thinner.

It kind of does.

You know what we should do?
Let's go out there.

Let's bust up
that old boys' club.

We're doing great work in the
government. We deserve to be included.

Sure, yeah.
I could use a beer.

Yes, Ann! That's good,
think like a man.

April, we're leaving,
you're in charge.

And it's because
you're a woman!

MAN: What, do you really like
red tape and uphill battles?

Hey, Leslie!
LESLIE: Hey!

MARK: What is up?

I'll tell you
what's up.

A couple of ladies are coming to
bust up your little boys' club.

Awesome. Glad to have you.
Let me get you a beer.

(WHISPERING) We're in.
Hey, I'm Brian.

Hi, Brian, Leslie Knope.
Deputy director of...

Drink that.
Okay.

I'm Ann, everyone.
I don't work here.

ALL: Hey, Ann.
Steve.

So, what are you guys talking about?
What's the topic du jour?

Oh!

(EXCLAIMS)

Did you hear that?

That was the sound of a glass
ceiling being shattered.

LESLIE: The boys' club is more about
socializing than work, you know?

I mean, you gotta loosen up.

I kind of feel like I'm
already in the boys' club.

I mean,
look at those bitches clean up after me.

ANN: So, is this, like,
your regular Tuesday night scene?

Well, it's just a way to unwind,
you know. Mmm-hmm.

Really different from your
Friday night crowd, right?

What crowd?
ANN: You know,

the girls with the
tribal back tattoos

who drink Red Bull
for a living.

Oh! Oh, I like this.
This is banter. That crowd.

LESLIE: Banter's fun.
Where'd that come from?

We were just
on the computer,

looking at
your profile.

You know, you have a friend
who has a tattoo that says,

"Daddy's Girl."

And both words
are misspelled.

Ooh! Mixing it up with the boys!
So...

What are you gonna say?
What's your comeback?

Those aren't really
my friends anymore.

I don't hang out
with them.

Oh, boo. Brendanawicz, that's some
weak sauce. You need to hit harder!

Natalie, it's your sister.

Pick me up or I'm gonna
draw all over your jeans.

Well, it's official, people.
We're out of beer.

That's the cue.
See you later, Leslie.

It was nice hanging out,
you know, after work hours.

Wait!
I think I'm gonna take off, too.

Yeah, I should go, Leslie.
Wait, you guys!

Let's keep this
good feeling going.

It's just getting started!

Uh, yeah, 'cause parties usually get
started when you run out of booze.

Okay, wait.
Just hold on a second.

I got wine!

ALL: Hey!

And cheese!

ALL: Hey!

(EXCLAIMS)

Good morning.

Last night, in a foolish attempt
to infiltrate a boys' club,

I violated the government employee
ethics code of the state of Indiana.

I have always tried to live my life in
an ethical way, and last night, I failed.

I realize I have let down every
female public official in America,

and I would like to apologize to them,
right now,

individually, and in
alphabetical order.

Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota.
I am sorry.

Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin.
I'm so sorry, Tammy.

Melissa Bean.

Okay. Double shift, remember?
So I won't see you till tomorrow.

Are you gonna be okay?
Oh, yeah.

I got dinner.

Oh, God. Honey, can you
just clean up a little bit?

I'll try.
Don't expect much.

Okay. I'll do it
when I get home.

You will?
Yes. Yes.

AND Y: Ann is amazing.

She takes care of me, she takes
care of sick people, sick babies.

She is an angel.
And I seriously love her.

Hard.

She's going to be gone for the
next 24 hours so I made this list

and basically this place is gonna be
like a sparkling palace when she returns.

I took a bunch
of painkillers.

They're about to kick in
so I'm ready to go.

There it is.
Let's clear the air.

Last night, I opened up this
gift basket, for my own pleasure.

Really. Leslie Knope. Usually such
a prudish stickler for the rules.

I'm not happy
about it either, Tom.

It's like I don't
even know you anymore.

Last year you wrote me up for making
personal phone calls to my mom.

Yes, I did.
And I would do it again.

Two wrongs do
not make a right.

Yes, but she was
in the hospital.

I did not know
that at the time.

So, can I have
the basket?

No, I'm sorry.
It's evidence.

It's a nice basket.

What would you
put in there?

I don't know.
Potpourri?

That's a lot
of potpourri.

Hey, I am not
the one on trial here.

I appreciate and thank you in
advance for your unwavering support.

I think you
should go to jail.

Think about
what you've done.

Go to jail?
What's going on?

Ron, I have a very important
and very long story to tell you.

Put it in an e-mail?
Nope.

It happened right out there,
right outside this window.

Why can't I look away?

Let's not blow this
out of proportion.

I will blow this
in proportion!

The minimum
punishment for this

is an official reprimand
from the city manager.

It's not that
big a deal.

Maybe in your world
it isn't a big deal.

You're a white Protestant man
with a full, rich mustache.

But I am a woman

and I need to hold myself
up to a higher standard.

(CHUCKLES) This is ridiculous.
You're punishing yourself

more than anybody else
is gonna punish you.

No.
What do you suggest we do?

You think we should cover this up?

No, I'm not saying that.
No one said cover-up.

Good, because the cover-up
is worse than the crime.

When you spill something
and you try to wipe it up

with something
that's dirty,

then you get
double dirty.

Please don't
make this worse.

Oh, my God.

Good afternoon.

Since we last spoke,
I have taken extraordinary steps

to make further amends for
the mistakes that I have made.

LESLIE: I have written
a full confession,

which I will be e-mailing to everyone
in the entire Pawnee government.

I've also attached a link
to the pit's web page,

just to remind people of
all the good work that I do.

I asked Ron to blow the whistle on me,
and he refused.

And that is why I had
to whistle-blow myself.

AND Y: I wish I could say some of this
mess was Ann's, but it's all mine.

I'm kind of a nester.

Huh?
Not bad for a guy with two broken legs.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm doing a little experiment tonight
to see what will get me drunker.

Drinking wine...
TOM: Leslie. Come here.

See what April put on
the pit's web page.

Right now,
drinking wine is winning...

Oh, my God.
What am I looking at?

A video of me drinking some
of that wine you stole.

What? Why did
you do this?

Because I was waiting for
my sister and I was bored,

and my hair
looked really good.

And you put it in
the pit's web page?

Yeah.
Okay, take this off.

Okay. I just sent an e-mail
to everyone in the government,

and I put a link
to this page!

(HUMMING)

A young law-breaker.
A future Leslie Knope.

(DOOR OPENS) Play it
again for us, Jerry.

JERRY: You got it.

Leslie?

She's 19 years old.

I thought I told you
not to make this worse.

And I heard you
loud and clear.

But then you
made it worse.

The disciplinary committee
is having a hearing tomorrow,

and you're gonna
have to testify.

Oh, no.

April might get dismissed.
You could get fired.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

(EXCLAIMS) This bench
is so uncomfortable.

Ow. Help.
Please, Ron. Ron.

Ron, tell me
it's gonna be okay.

Tell me it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna...

Ron? Where are you?

It's... It'II...
Hang in.

Ron!
Okay. You're okay.

(CRYING) Good evening.

I've spoken to you a couple of
times about something that happened,

but I don't want to...

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

So, the disciplinary
committee awaits.

Feeling good?
Feeling strong?

Not really. No.

Do you want me to run some
test questions with you?

Maybe give you an idea of what the
disciplinary committee will be like?

Yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah, thanks, Tom.

Okay.

So, Miss Knope,
you're accused of stealing wine.

How many drinks do you have per week,
on average?

Zero.

Zero to six.

I'm gonna write down 10.
Yeah.

Do you ever cheat
on your taxes?

No, no, no. Never.

Good. You're doing great.

How many sexual partners have
you had in the last year?

Are they gonna ask that?

This is a deposition-style hearing,
Miss Knope.

Nothing is off-limits.
You have to answer.

Now, how many sexual partners
have you had in the last year?

Zero to six.
Zero.

Have you ever thought
about Ron sexually? What?

Including dreams.

Have you ever had a sexual dream
about our boss, Ron Swanson?

No! Absolutely not.
No. Yes.

No.
Now, in this recurring dream

that you have about Ron,
is he like a regular Ron,

or is he half-Ron, half-animal,
like a centaur?

What? No...

Is he wearing
a football uniform?

Are you making love to him on a
couch shaped like his mustache?

Is he covered
in Powerade?

No, okay.
Time-out. Time-out.

This committee doesn't
take time-outs, Miss Knope.

Now answer
the question!

I need something to drink.

How about some
stolen wine?

No. I meant water.

Thank you for your time,
Miss Knope. You're fired.

So, that's kind of your
worst-case scenario, you know?

If you can handle that,
I think you'll be fine.

Great.

LESLIE: Ron, thank you for
being here with me today.

I'm your department head.
I have to be.

Nonetheless.

MAN: Miss Knope?
LESLIE: Yes.

MAN: You're here because you
allegedly accepted a gift of over $25

and contributed to the
delinquency of a minor.

Can you tell us
what happened?

I'm gonna take a glass
of water first, if I may.

Certainly.

Sorry.

(EXHALES)

"Two days ago,

"I attended an informal boys' club
meeting for the very first time.

"After one and
a half beers,

"awash in the glow
of acceptance

"into this elite,
exclusive club..."

Sorry, what club is this?

A couple city planners
like to drink beer

in the courtyard
on Tuesday nights.

No one is supposed to drink
alcohol on government property.

That's not my department.

Go ahead, Leslie.

"I made a very
unwise decision.

"A decision that
will live in infamy.

"I opened a gift basket
of wine and cheese.

"Our intern,
April Ludgate,

"drank some of that wine
without my knowledge.

"That was never
part of the plan.

"She had not been invited to
the meeting of the boys' club.

"I repeat,
not been invited.

"Though it is my hope that someday,
she lives in a world

"where the very idea of boys'
clubs is ancient history."

But you did open the gift basket.
And the intern did drink the wine.

Please don't blame
her for my mistake.

The biggest crime
we could commit here

would be to destroy a teenage
girl's passion for local government.

There's only one more
thing I need to clean, me.

Um, I can't really
get into a shower,

so I got this idea
from my parents.

This is how they
clean their dog.

(HUMMING)

(LAUGHING)

(AND Y SINGING)
Do you like that?

Huh?

I wrote that for Ann.

It's gonna be playing when she
walks through the door today.

And check this out. Washed my shorts.
How do you like that?

Hey. Turn that down.

No. I wrote that song.

I don't care.
Turn it down.

What are you doing in my yard, Lawrence?
Get out of here.

Okay, you know what?
I'm taking this.

Put down
my boom box.

It's my boom box now.
I asked you nicely.

You did not ask me nicely!
Put that down!

I just put 12 new batteries
in that thing!

(GROANS)

Lawrence, come on!

(MOCKING) MAN:
What's going on out here?

Give it to me!

(DOG BARKING)

Come on.
Go back inside, Hank.

MAN: Miss Knope,

what was the first thing you did when
you arrived at work the next day?

Can you go over the time
line for us once more?

Yes, of course.
I awoke at 6:21 a.m.

After a fitful
night of sleep...

We've been over this.

What more could you guys
possibly want her to do?

Well, we don't know yet.

Frankly we've got
a lot more questions.

(GROANS)
Ron, it's okay.

No, it's not.
This is not communist China.

You cannot make
her whip herself.

You cannot make her
wear a hair shirt.

We weren't planning on doing
either of those things.

This is America.

You want to live in North Korea,
you can live in North Korea.

I don't want to.
I want to live in America.

Leslie has never broken
a rule in her life,

to the point
that it's annoying.

If you want to slap her on the wrist,
go ahead.

If you want to do
anything more serious,

you're gonna have
to go through me.

Let's go.
Are we done?

We're done, let's go.

So, after all that,
it's really not that bad.

You're gonna get
a letter in your file.

Ron, I just wanted
to say thank you, so...

Don't worry about it.

No, I didn't do it for Leslie.
I did it because I hate bureaucracy.

My idea of a perfect
government is one guy,

who sits in
a small room at a desk,

and the only thing he's allowed
to decide is who to nuke.

The man is chosen based
on some kind of IQ test,

and maybe also a physical tournament,
like a decathlon.

And women are
brought to him, maybe,

when he desires them.

LESLIE: Oh, hey, Ann.
You're here.

ANN: Yeah, I came from
the hospital. How'd it go?

I don't want to
be overdramatic,

but today felt like
100 years in hell

and the absolute
worst day of my life.

Oh, God.

I never should have
opened that stupid basket.

Yeah. Why did you
open that basket?

It doesn't really
seem like you.

I think it's 'cause I wanted
to shatter the glass ceiling.

You know what I mean? And just
kind of infiltrate the boys' club.

Hmm.

I did it for a guy.

Oh!
Yeah. Mark.

Oh.

Oh. Wow.

I... We had a brief affair
in February of 2004.

And there's still something very
complicated between us, so...

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah.

Smart woman.
Iffy choice in men.

But then again,
I'm not one to talk.

(DOOR OPENING)

(GASPS)

What do you think?

Andy.
This is so sweet.

It's nothing.

What happened to you?

Oh, I was chasing our
neighbor who's a total jagweed

and I fell in
some prickly bushes.

Doesn't matter.
What do you think of the house, huh?

Were you totally surprised?
Yeah.

Do you love it?
Yeah.

Here, baby. Sit down. I'm gonna
put something on those scratches.

(GRUNTING)

Somebody is getting
gently laid tonight.

Andy! God!

You look like you
need one of these.

(SIGHS)

Come on.
You're over 21.

You're not supposed to be
drinking on government property.

Loosen up. You're gonna
drive yourself crazy

trying to follow every
single rule in government.

Mark, I have
a letter in my file.

I got seven letters
in my file.

Pretty much every guy in city
planning has a bunch of letters.

So, welcome to the team.

Look out, boys.
I'm in your club now.

I'm in your club.
I'm in your club.

I'm in your club.
I'm in your club.

I'm in your club. I'm in your club.
I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.