Parenthood (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Big 'O' - full transcript

I have a kid.

His name is Jabbar.

- Did you take the test?
- The test?

- The paternity test.
- I want to get a paternity test.

- I'm Mark Cyr, 11th-grade english.
- My daughter's teacher.

- I'm trying to impress you.
- It worked.

- You must be Julia.
- This is Racquel.

You are so amazing.

All right.

Honey.

Honey, I have to wash Max's bandana.



It's filthy.

If he's gonna be a pirate,
at least he's gonna be a clean pirate.

It's like ring around the neck.
My god, his behavior aide gonna be here

at 10:00, and we both need to be
on the same page with all this stuff.

I have a thousand questions that I want
to ask her, you know whatelse?

I forgot to tell you that Haddie
has a biology test, you know,

she has not even studied for it.
Not once.

Really getting me mad.
She doesn't even care about it.

We just had morning sex.

Like, free, bonus,

unadulterated,
like, pre-kid morning sex.

It was nice.

- It was...
- Nice?

- It was amazingly nice.
- Amazingly nice?



Chop-chop. Let's go.

Just meet me downstairs.

Nice?

Why does school start so early?
8:30,

so dumb.

- And Monday. Why not start Tuesday?
- Shouldn't we be the ones complaining?

- Why start on Monday? Not on Tuesday?
- Can you pull over up here?

- What do you mean?
- Just stop.

School's over ther.

Are you kidding me? I'm so embarrassing
that I can't drop you off

- in from of school?
- Kind of.

- Morning.
- Hi.

Don't mondays suck?

I was just saying that.
I literally just said that.

That's so weird.

I'll see you in class.

- Bye.
- Bye, Mr. Cyr.

We lost our key witness
in our Downey-Smith trial.

- What are you doing here?
- Don't know...

I got the results
of the paternity test.

I didn't really want
to open it by myself.

So maybe you could help out.

That's really sweet,

and it's also kind of pathetic.
Here.

There's no pictures of me at all
in this whole office.

You're embarrass to have me
in the family?

By the way, I got you and Jabbar
into Joel's Wednesday playgroup.

- Wait, you got us in?
- There's a three-month wait list.

- For a playgroup?
- How long is this gonna take? Open it.

I mean, can't we work up to it?

Can you... Open it.

What are you in such a hurry for?

Are you afraid of being a father
or not?

Both.

- You're a wimp.
- You're a tyrant.

You're welcome.
Open it.

He's mine.

I'm a father.

So...

So...

What do I do now?

What's the...

I'm supposed to got to...

buy a microwave,

and move to the suburbs?

- We got to tell Mom and Dad.
- Yes, you do.

- No, we'll go together, you and I.
- Grow up.

Growing-up means asking for help,
which I'm doing.

That's king for very mature of you,
but also grow up and do it yourself.

I don't think you've read one of those
books. I think that's all for show.

You want to frame this for your office?
'cause this might be the document

that made me grow up.
It'd look great here.

I know you don't want any pictures
of me, so maybe just this.

You'll be fine!

Hi, I'm Gaby.

Hi.

I'm Max's behavioral aide.

- Come in.
- Thanks.

So how do you usually start
with a kid like Max?

Well, you guys tell me.

What would be most helpful
to get started with?

Thank you.

Honey? What do you think?

God...

I don't even know where to begin.
There's so many things...

If the were a behavior of Max's

you could wave a wand
and change, what would it be?

How much'd a wand like that cost?

Gosh, in the mornings,

it takes him a really long time
to get ready,

like a really long time.

His diet...

He's got a very limited diet.
He'll only eat certain things,

- cooked in certain ways.
- He'll only eat eggs if they're cooked.

In the orange frying pan.

That sort of behavior normal
for a kid with Asperger's?

The orange frying pan is new.

It's weird,
even for a kid with Asperger's.

Great.

And he has tantrums,

temper tantrums, sometimes severe.

- I wouldn't call them severe.
- Biting,

- the fish tank.
- All right.

- There was an incident.
- Okay.

Okay, tell me...
How's he doing socially?

Does he have a lot of friends?
Does he have playdates?

Max doesn't really have any friends.

Okay. Why don't we start there?

That's good.

United Team

Blackart

Lafeelicita

Lestat

Lili B

MiniBen314

Salomon

valpi

1x06 - The big "O"

A horned lizard can squirt
blood from its eyes.

The armadillo lizard can curl
itself up into a tight ball,

to protect itself from attack.

The sungazer lizard has spikes
that cover its whole body.

And lots of lizards
can change colors.

That's very cool, Max.

So we've been doing
what you want for 20 minutes.

- It's time to try one of my games.
- No way.

Hey, Max, be polite.

Max, you get to choose
whichever one you want.

He doesn't like board games at all.
We've tried.

When you make a deal, he has to hold up
his end of the bargain.

All right, Max, check this out.

- Cool.
- This is the deal, okay?

Every minute you play one
of these games, you get a sticker.

I have a whole bunch of them
in my bag here, all right?

So you get up to 20 stickers,
cash them in,

you get the book.
What do you say?

How about I get the book first,

then we play the game?

I know how you feel, you know what?

I used to always want
my dessert before my dinner,

and it always turned out
I had to have my veggies first, so...

- Forget it, then.
- Max! Honey, you know what?

Why don't we go get a cookie?

No cookies.
You got to stick with the plan.

- Okay.
- You gotta be firm. Okay?

I'm sorry.

Max, no cookie today.
The reward is the book.

I want it.

- So we're gonna have to play a game.
- No. I want the book.

When he has that tone,

all bets are off.
He's gonna lose it.

- That's okay.
- He's gonna lose it.

Listen, Max,
nothing here is gonna change,

unless you put Guacamole
back in the cage.

You make the choice.

Sorry, Guacamole.

Let's pick a game.

Hey, Amber, what's up?

I was just wondering...

I know I didn't seem
very excited about it in class,

but I was just wondering
if you were still trying to get people

to join that weird literary magazine
thingy, the spectrum?

Yeah. Are you interested?

Sure, I guess,
'cause I have to have, like,

extracurricular activities anyway,
so I might as well, like, right?

With a passionate plea like that,

how can I say no?
Yeah, that's great.

That's fantastic. So I guess
the next step is we are formatting,

tomorrow after school
in the computer lab.

- So just go there.
- Cool.

Formatting in computer labs.

And here I thought
it would be nerdy and lame.

Not at all.

And then we're gonna be
footnoting and endnoting,

and it's gonna be so cool.

- Great.
- Bunch of cool people.

You have chalk on your...

It's an occupational hazard.
I put it there on purpose.

See you around. Thanks, Amber.

This is new.

Has it been washed before?

I don't think so.

- I should wash it separately.
- You can wash it with the other tees.

It's red, you know. It'll bleed
if it hasn't been washed before.

- If you don't mind, Then I guess...
- I don't mind.

Better. Okay.

Jeez, didn't you do, like,
eight loads here last week?

- Get in a fight with a leaf blower?
- He just wants

to visit us,
and this is a good excuse.

Hey, I'm glad you're both here.
There's...

Something I've been meaning to tell you.
Somebody's come into my life recently.

- Boy, here we go again.
- What happened to Katie?

She was a nice girl, Katie.

Nothing happened to Katie.

You know, this is kind of serious.

Isn't it always serious?

For the first week and a half.

I'm so glad I can entertain you.

Come on, we're only joking.

Tell us all about her.

You know what?
I got to run to the studio.

I'll tell you when
I get through with that.

Sorry.

Can you grab them in the corner?

- What will you have?
- I'm okay.

Can we talk for just one second,

maybe, over here?

- Sorry. One second.
- Is...?

- Very short.
- Is everything okay with Amber?

Yeah, she's fine. No, I'm actually...
I'm here on my own behalf.

I just wanted to...

say...

and, this is really lame
and probably embarrassing for me,

but I'm gonna say it.

I really like you,

Sarah, can I get
another drink down here?

Just one second.
I'm sorry, go on.

That fine. I've been thinking about you
since we've met,

and you make me laugh,
and you make me feel good.

And I just feel like there's...

Something that I'll tell you
in a second...

After you take care
of your customer.

Another one?

- That's on the house.
- Sweet.

I just sense
that there's a connection,

even though, you know, I...

- Whatever.
- Fall asleep when you count to my age?

No, despite that I...

- Teach your daughter.
- I have a daughter?

So I wanted to give you this.

I know that texting is the thing

that most of the kids
are doing nowadays,

but there's something more romantic

about pen and paper.

But don't open it right now.
I'm gonna go.

It was nice to see you.
And just follow the directions.

- All right, teach.
- All right.

Gonna go.
I like your seahorse.

Thanks.
Nice to see horse you.

- You forgot the ice.
- Yeah?

Ice, ice.

You're asking for my advice?

- It's true.
- This is so great.

- I know.
- You never come to me.

Well, you know...

There's a first for everything.
What's next? You asking me for advice?

Yeah, maybe.

Sorry, go.
What is it?

I met someone.

He's great.

He's Amber's teacher,

- and he's kind of young.
- Is he legal?

- Age?
- Yeah.

He's 26, gross.

- He's married.
- What? No.

Then what are you asking me about?
You're all systems go, is that it?

Do you not understand
the subtlety of the situation?

The guy's younger than Julia.
He's younger than me,

- by a lot.
- Look...

- You want to say yes.
- I do?

That's why you're asking me.

If you wanted to say no,

you'd ask Dudley do-right
or judge Julia.

- You don't think it's weird?
- No way.

- No rules.
- No.

I didn't read a rulebook.

Thank you so much.
I feel much better.

This went pretty good.

- I know.
- Right? For a trial run?

I'll start asking you
for all kinds of advice.

So, you know,
anytime you want advice...

Really?
All right. Okay.

And just, you know,
maybe to make it even,

I'm just throwing this out there,
but what if you came with me

to tell mom and dad about Jabbar?

What? No.

Wait, then you owe me one,
something else. Think about it.

Thanks for your advice.
Tell them yourself, you freak.

The standard-issue gun in the military
is the M4A1.

Now, that's one of the most
famous assault rifles there is.

This is great.

I canceled a meeting to find out

that we're paying $30 an hour
for a babysitter.

- This is costing us lot of money.
- I know.

I understand.
I just want to see some results.

- Well, do you have a gun?
- I do not have a gun, Max.

If you were gonna get a gun,
the AK-47 is...

This is great.

She's playing ball with him
and looking up the hill.

It looks like that girl
wants to play some four square...

Over there by the tree.

- Go ask her if she wants to play?
- I'll just play with you.

- Actually...
- I'll just play with you.

She's gonna try to get him to play
with that girl by the tree.

Good luck.

A blizzard's coming in
later today too.

And you get a lizard
on the way home.

- What kind of lizard?
- Any lizard you want.

You know how many times
I've tried this?

Remember, look her in the eye, okay?

Don't forget to give her a smile.

Hi, I'm Max.

I'm Jessica.

- Do you want to play four square?
- Sure.

- I did it.
- You'll get it.

You'll get your lizard.

How about that?

You know, she just got lucky.

No, she didn't.

The dragon is hungry!

Isn't he amazing?

All kids should have
a male role model like Joel.

Yeah, he's really great with them.

It's a gift.

He's like a rock star.

Big-time.

It looks like the princess

- has some ants on a log for all of you.
- Look what Joel made.

Who wants some of those?

There they are.

- You wanna do that?
- Absolutely.

- Do you need anything?
- I'm good.

Look at this.

She's the president of his fan club.

- You okay?
- I think so.

He's having a ball.

I don't know how you did it.

I mean, I've been trying to do this
for so long,

and I'm...

I'm just amazed.

Do you want a snack,
an apple or something?

- I have tons.
- How are you?

- How am I?
- Yeah.

I'm good.

- But I mean, like...
- I'm good, I promise.

It's just so nice to see Max
play with other kids, you know.

And you helped him do it.

You did.

None of this is easy.

I'm sorry. I just feel like a loser.
I feel like a total loser.

I've been trying to do this
for so long,

and you make it seem so easy.

I mean, just watching.

It's not.

It's hard, and I only work with him
a few hours a day.

This is your life.

- I don't know how you it.
- I know. I...

That's what nobody gets.
I try to explain...

Just the worry...
The worry never goes away.

Like, I find myself up late at night
just worrying about Max, and...

Is there something
we should have tried?

Something we should try?
When I'm not worried about him,

I'm worried about the fact
that I'm not worried about Haddie.

When I'm not worried about her...
It's just like it never stops.

Adam and I...
Maybe we get a chance

to spend some time alone,
just together...

Some miracle chance.

I cannot stop worrying long enough
to enjoy anything.

Anything, like a movie
or a nice dinner or sex, if...

My God, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't...

I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.
- Don't tell him I said that.

I won't.

- 'Cause he does satisfy me a lot.
- I'm sure he does.

He's got a good one.

Never mind.

You need to relax.

My God.

Honestly,
you're too hard on yourself.

You need to cut yourself some slack
and relax.

Then I'm gonna go Hawaii,
and you can raise my son.

I'll babysit.
How about that?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

They're not gonna spring anything.
The deposition is Thursday morning.

We're gonna go over all of it

at the briefing beforehand.
You know what?

Can I call you back about this?
Give me a couple minutes.

Something has come up in the family.
I'll call you right back.

Thank you.

- For what?
- The playgroup...

was inspirational.

I mean.

Your husband is a rock star.

He is, isn't he?

I mean...

No disrespect to Dad, but it's like
I finally have a role model now.

You know, someone
I want to be like as a dad.

Oh, my God.

Adam's a good dad.

Well, yeah, he's a great dad,
but he's not a rock star.

Joel, on the other hand, wow.

- What do you mean by rock star?
- Well, he's worshipped.

- Like a deity.
- Yeah, the kids love him.

Well, not just the kids, believe me.

What do you mean?

- Nothing.
- You said "worshipped".

- Who worships him?
- You know, the...

The kids,

and the two gay dads, Timmy and Tony,
or whatever, and me.

- And the other moms.
- Which ones?

- All the other moms.
- All the moms?

- Well, no, not all of them.
- Racquel? Is it Racquel?

- I really couldn't say.
- You're such a bad liar.

I know.

So come on.

So what is she like
when I'm not around?

Look, I don't know.

- Does she flirt?
- Well...

You know, how does one
define flirting these days?

Gazing, smiling, touching, smiling
again, providing multiple beverages.

Check.

And ants on a log.

But it's totally harmless.
I mean, Joel would never...

No, I know. It's fine.
It's completely fine.

- Okay, good.
- So give me details.

Look...

I don't really want to go
down this road with you.

I'm new to the playgroup,
and it's just, like...

the first rule of playgroup,
is there is no playgroup.

You're gonna have to find
another source.

- That's cool. I got what I need.
- Good luck.

- I've never played that.
- It's not that hard to play, though.

- Yeah, he's actually pretty good at it.
- Will you teach me?

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Come on.

- There's no way.
- He did. I swear to God.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Hey, Dad?

- Is it okay if I go over to Jenna's?
- Yeah, sure.

- Okay, thanks.
- Hey, buddy.

I played with a girl at the park today,
so I got a lizard,

and tomorrow I'll get bugs.

- That's great.
- He did so good.

- Good day?
- Very good day.

Thank you so much.

- And everything's working out?
- Yeah, everything's good.

Got a plan for tomorrow?

Should I get more index cards?

- Sure.
- Perfect.

- Everything is progressing all right?
- Everything's great.

You need to relax.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- You're a gem.
- You relax tonight.

You gotta relax.

- Thank you.
- Mum's the word. Bye.

She's working out great. It looks like
everything's getting a lot better.

Yes, they went so much better,
you don't even understand.

Oh, my gosh.

That early-morning shoulder massage
is paying off.

Honey, Max played with this little girl
for hours...

and hours.

Is that what's making you all frisky...
Max's playdate?

Not that there's
anything wrong with that.

I was so wrong about her.
She is, like, the best thing ever.

I can't even...
Oh, she's great.

She's great.

What was that little wink-wink,
nudge-nudge all about?

Where?

You know, the little
"just relax tonight", and the little...

- Wink she gave you there.
- Just had a little...

had a little meltdown earlier.

- Nothing big.
- Are you doing okay?

I just, you know,
sort of ended up unloading on Gaby

about how stressed I am, we are,
and how worried I am all the time,

and how sometimes, you know,
it's hard for us to connect

in certain ways,
and she was really helpful.

What do you mean?

How when we have...

certain times together,
and I can't relax.

We're keeping our private life private.
You're not talking to her about sex.

Of course.

Are you talking about our sex life?

It's a natural thing. It was...

It came up once, and it was just it.

- She brought it up.
- What exactly are you telling her?

I mean, you're not saying
that you're not enjoying it.

Why would I tell her that?
That's so dumb.

You are, aren't you?
I mean, you've been enjoying it.

I mean, you've been satisfied?
I'm relaxed.

- I'm enjoying it. A lot.
- You're satisfied?

- You sure?
- Yes.

- Wait a minute.
- Feeling sexy.

- What'd you tell her?
- What'd I tell her when?

What?
Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm starting to get sweaty. What?

Have you been...

Faking it?

- Well, that doesn't look good. Clearly.
- I did not say that.

- I did not say that.
- Clearly you have been.

- Why would you do that?
- Honey, once in a while, I do.

- You know, I don't want you to think...
- Don't fake it, I want you to have...

I don't want you to think
that I don't appreciate the effort.

The effort?
What, like it's a science project?

- 'cause you do a good job.
- Don't comfort me by faking it.

Honey, I feel good.
Why don't you sit down and eat?

Or drink?
Why don't you drink something?

Why would you tell her about that?

She listened to me,
and she opened up.

So just now, I mean, just this...
You were faking it just before.

Honey, understand something.

I feel better today
than I have felt in so long.

What about that time
after the Jon Stewart Daily Show?

That was pretty intense.
That was the real deal, right?

- You weren't faking it then, were you?
- No. I swear.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I just, you know,
I wanna be able to know that you're...

really...

satisfied.

You're home early.

I am.

Crosby said he had a good time
at the playdate.

Yeah, it was fun.

He called you a rock star.

Really?

Crosby said something nice
about me, huh?

That's a first.

In fact, he used
the word "worshipped".

Why does that not sound
like a good thing?

Did Racquel hit on you?

- Is that what Crosby said?
- He didn't have to. I inferred.

No, she did not hit on me.

She didn't, I swear.

So I have nothing to worry about?
There's nothing?

She didn't hit on you.

She's never hit on you?

All right.

Nothing happened.

A couple months ago,
she got a little...

And I shut it down...

Totally. And that was it.

How could she... How could...
You're a father.

Our daughters are best friends.
How could she... What did she do?

Her husband was out of town on work.
You were working late.

The girls fell asleep.

And I guess
she started talking to me about...

troubles in her marriage, and...

I listened, and she...

She misinterpreted.

- And...
- And...

What?

She kissed you.

Joel, did she kiss you?

She tried.

I stopped it.

End of story.

How come you didn't tell me?

I didn't want things to get weird.

I thought I was insane
for being jealous of her.

You let me think that I was insane.

Harmony is Sydney's
best friend, Julia.

You're using our daughter
as your excuse for not telling me?

Because it's the truth.

I don't want that woman
in our lives.

- Come on, Julia.
- Is that too much to ask?

You take away Racquel,
you take away Harmony,

and our daughter is left
without her best friend.

She is five years old,
and she will make new friends.

What if I was at work every day
with a guy who hit on me?

So...

Do you want to tell Sydney,
or should I?

I'll tell her.

I'll tell her tomorrow.

Sorry.

Thank you.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. You?

Dropping this stuff off for dad.

- Where is everybody?
- Oh, God, I don't know.

Crosby went somewhere with Mom and Dad,
Drew's avoiding me like always,

Amber's really, really late
coming home from school,

and she's probably
smoking or drinking or...

stealing something.
I don't know, so...

Have you ever faked an orgasm?

- Just address the question.
- I don't know if I wanna answer.

You're my sister. Just answer.

No, I haven't had to.

Cool.

- Wait... Why are you asking?
- No reason.

- All right, I'm out of here.
- Unless... No, wait. I'm just kidding.

Of course I have. And if someone
in your life has, that's okay too.

- You have? When?
- Yes, of course. Everybody has.

I don't know. Couple different times.
Couple different reasons.

Can you name them?
I mean... I just don't get it.

It's like...

We don't want you to feel bad.

God, this is just horrible.
Are you all in on this?

It's not horrible.
We're not all in on it.

She shouldn't have told you.
That breaks the code.

- How am I supposed to tell?
- You can't tell, honey. It's fake.

- Sorry.
- Well, I don't get it.

I really don't get it.
Why fake it at all?

'Cause it's too long
to explain in the moment.

It's like you just kind of,
you know,

put on a happy face and just,
you know, better luck next time.

But it's a lie.
It's an act.

But it's not a lie.
It is an act,

but it's an act
of something positive.

It's an act of generosity.
It's a gift.

- A gift?
- Yes.

- How is faking it a gift?
- Because it says to you,

"Thank you so much for trying.
Please come again soon.

Come again as soon
as you possibly"...

Okay, thanks.
Just tell dad shoes, lightbulbs...

So come back again next time,
and I'll just give him those. Okay.

- Where have you been?
- School.

- Where were you? Just tell me.
- I was seriously at school this time.

Doing what?

Extra-credit stuff.
I was formatting in the computer lab.

I don't understand.
What does that mean?

It's extra credit for school, okay?

- Mr. Cyr, my english teacher.
- For Mr. Cyr?

That's great.

- Extra credit, that's good.
- No big deal.

No, I know. I'm just...

I'm proud of you. You know,
extra credit, that's extra.

You don't have to do that.

- Don't be weird.
- I'm not weird.

- Scoop of ice cream.
- Right.

- You know, like...
- You want it 50/50.

At least 50/50.

Maybe even more ice cream.

This is on me.

I got this one.

- That's unprecedented.
- It's my way of saying thank you

for all the nice things
you guys do for me.

That's very sweet of you.

Man, this is embarrassing.

Can you float me 40... Dad, dad.

- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
- Really?

Yeah, I have it.

Listen, you know, the care packages
and the laundry

and the boat repairs, I know you think
I take it for granted, but I don't.

I appreciate it.
I really do.

You feeling okay?

I feel great.

I also want to say that

I'm not gonna be
such a burden anymore to your guys.

Well, I wouldn't say
you've been a burden.

Define burden.

I've been working more hours,
and I've been putting away some cash.

I'm preparing for...

The next stage in my life.

Crosby, you're starting
to scare the hell out me.

Us, actually.

It's not bad. It's a...

It's a good thing.
It's a really good thing.

You know,
people would say it's a great thing.

I have a son.

- You what?
- I'm a father.

You and Crazy-Katie hit the jackpot,

- then, right?
- No, no, it's not...

Crazy-Katie.
You shouldn't call her that.

- That's a little rough.
- You call her that.

It's another woman
from a few years ago who's a dancer,

and she was touring
the bay area, and we...

had some fun.

And you know how I feel
about dancers.

- She's an exotic...
- She doesn't dance with a pole.

She's like... You know, ballet.
Anyways, look,

I didn't know she got pregnant.

And then she showed up
a few months ago with a boy.

He's five years old.

You're serious?

- Yeah. Yes.
- You're sure he's yours?

I mean, you've had the test
and everything?

Yeah, I'm sure he's mine. He's...

He's amazing.
I mean, you're gonna love him.

He's really great.

You're a dad.

I know it's... It's crazy, but...

I'm really taking
this thing seriously.

That's what I meant
about a new stage in my life.

This is me now...
Crosby, the dad.

And I'm gonna be
more responsible and independent.

Mom, please say something.
You look like you're gonna...

Does he look like you?
'cause you were the cutest kid ever.

He looks...
Yeah, he looks like me.

I'm just so happy for you,

for all of us.

When do we get to meet him?

- I'll ask his mom when he has time.
- What's his name?

- What kind of name is Jabbar?
- What the hell kind of name is Zeek?

- The name doesn't matter.
- What's his last name? Is it Braverman?

It better be Braverman.

- Jabbar Braverman?
- I'm working on that.

- Where are you going?
- You're a daddy.

- I can't believe it.
- I know. Me neither.

I was just...
I've been thinking about the note.

- I know. I'm sorry.
- No need to apologize.

I think you're right.
Maybe it was a little...

Too complicated. I mean,
three options is a lot of...

options. That's...

That's overwhelming.

I understand.

I'm just not good
with multiple choice.

This is my fault. I mean,
these choices are ridiculous.

Maybe... What the hell's that?
That's not a real choice.

- Confusing.
- I don't know what I was thinking.

I was just trying
to write something.

So I was thinking that
I should just be more direct...

Next time.

Will you go out with me?

That is the correct answer.

I won't interrupt you anymore.

- You ready, buddy?
- Yeah. Let's go. Let's go.

- Hey, guys.
- They're here.

We're here.

This is Jabbar

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Braverman.

He has your smile.

This is grandma, Camille.

- Hello, Jabbar.
- And that tall sucker

- is grandpa Zeek.
- Jabbar, how are you?

You got a good handshake.

- You can call me grandma.
- Okay.

Come here. You hungry?

We're barbecuing.

We're gonna grill some chicken.

- What do you think?
- Oh, boy.

- It's really hard to put it into words.
- I bet.

Would you mind
if I borrowed your toothbrush?

Why? Why do you need my toothbrush?

I ran out of eggs this morning,
so I ate my gym sock.

Eat your gym sock?

That's amazing.

He looks so grown-up.

Yeah. Who'd have thought?

- I got it from my grandpa.
- Well, who's that?

Orville Redensocker's.

Now, if you don't eat popcorn,
what do you eat?

I like the softer foods...
Pears, plums, toothpaste.

- Toothpaste? Who eats toothpaste?
- All the people with great breath

- are eating toothpaste.
- This is amazing.

Would you look at that?
Does that just melt your heart or what?

I was thinking of signing Harmony up
for a pottery class.

Working with the clay,
it just grounds you to the Earth.

- They're not hard to get.
- There's no credit check?

- Maybe the girls can do it together.
- Harmony would love that.

I'm sure Sydney would too.

- My name is...
- Okay, close your eyes.

- Close your eyes.
- That was my mouth, but okay.

All right, open them now.

You still have that?

That was your dad's
when he was your age.

- It's for me?
- You betcha. Hop on.

Maybe your dad'll teach you
some tricks on it.

Yeah, but I don't want you
doing any wheelies,

'cause your dad broke three teeth
and a lot of brain cells.

- Don't remind me.
- I gained glory, though.

Can you do this?
You already know how?

Okay. I'm gonna help you out

- to the street, all right?
- Easy does it.

You look good on that.

- Grandpa, grandma, you watching?
- We're watching.

All right, you ready?

All right, let's do it.

- Pedaling.
- Come on, Jabbar.

Holy crap.

That definitely beat the time
after The Daily Show.

And the time after Leno.

So I'm just gonna say
that felt like...

the real deal.

- Am I right?
- Yeah. You're right.

You are right.

But even if it wasn't,
you'd probably say that it was.

But it was the real deal, honey.

- It was.
- Definitely?

Definitely definitely?

I haven't felt this relaxed
in two months.

Please don't ruin it.