Parenthood (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Situation - full transcript

So you're saying you'll have
a baby with me in three years.

Yeah
Crosby, whose this little fella?

I don't know--one of the girls
up front asked me to watch him.

Are you sure he's yours?
Because if he is,

You have legal obligations,
financial obligations.

Max, you don't
have to play baseball,

Not after this season.

I'm not having
any fun.

Aka, Steve Williams.

They're facebook official.

Daddy, this is Steve.



Mr. Braverman, it's
really good to meet you, sir.

Whassup?

Excuse me? Hi.

Do you know
where room 112 is?

Sarah Braverman.

Uh, yeah, that's me.

Hi. I'm Arnold Lee.

My daughter Sylvia's
in A.P. Chem with Haddie.

She raves about
your daughter all the time,

And she says
that she's a genius.

Oh, you know what?
Haddie's my niece, actually.

Um, my daughter's
Amber Holt.

Oh.

Oh.



Well, nice to meet you.

Look, these aren't
in the blue bag,

But these right here

Have the best
salt-to-pepper ratio around.

I don't want those.

I want the ones
in the blue bag.

Any chance
you saved the old bag?

We just buy these
and dump them in there.

Honey, he can taste
the difference. I've tried.

[boys shouting]

Honey, honey,
honey, honey.

Don't want to talk to him.
Don't want to talk to him.

Adam!
Walk this way.

Hank.

Hey, how are you?

Doing what I can
with these kids.

Oh, I don't know
about that.

Look, uh, Adam,
I heard about your, uh...

You know, situation
with Max and, uh...

Ah.

We were talking
and thought maybe, you know--

I found 'em!
Oh, good, honey.

Oh, great, great.
That's awesome.

Max-o!

Hey! We really miss you,
big guy.

We'd love to have you
come back on the team, huh?

What do you say?
Oh, I, well--

Sure.
He's not gonna--

I'll go back
on the team.

All right.
Can you bring it up top?

Boom!

Boom.

We'll see you.
Boom. Yeah, see you.

Bye.

Is there any chance
that's nicotine gum?

Uh, [laughs] good eye.

Yeah, can I?
Do you mind?

Of course, yes.
It's your lucky day, sure.

Thanks. I, uh...

I quit smoking
seven years ago,

But the gum
I can't give up.

Ten years.

[laughs]

Yeah, nothing
like college prep day

To get me jonesin'
for nicotine.

I know, but standing
under the breezeway,

Chewing gum, you know,

Doesn't really have that,
like, rebel feel.

Well, you haven't seen me
blow a bubble yet.

Ohh!
Yeah, it's pretty cool.

So you
have kids here, huh?

Did you have them
when you were 12?

[laughs]

No, I, um...
I work here.

Um, Mark Cyr,
11th grade English.

Ooh, I think I just gave
nicotine gum

To my daughter's teacher.

Amber.

Amber Holt?

Sorry. We're working
on the eye rolling,

The attitude.

There's no eye rolling.
She's, uh--

Amber's actually one
of my most engaged students.

Really?
Yes.

What are
the rest of them like?

They're a bunch of drug-addled
losers, glazed eyes.

No, no, they're
a good group of kids.

You, though,
you have to see

The paper that she wrote
on The Sound and the Fury.

You will be blown away.

Are you kidding?
No.

It's really, really good.
Ah!

Wow!
Um...

Yeah.

I should
probably go, though,

Before the principal
busts me.

Okay.
Thank you so much for the gum

Thank you.
Nice to meet you.

[door thuds]

Please be careful of the door.
[laughs]

Oh!

All hail
the conquering hero.

[laughs]
hi, mommy.

Hi, sweet pea.

Wow,
that smells delicious, babe.

Ah, thank you.
Mm-hmm!

Hey, I thought you had
a play date with Harmony today.

Yeah, she's in my room.

We're playing
the Princess and Maid.

How do you play?

Well, Harmony's the Princess,
and I'm the Maid.

Oh.

Wow.

How do you get to choose

Who's the Princess
and who's the Maid?

Well, Harmony's
always the Princess.

And you're
always the Maid?

No. Sometimes
I'm the cook or the gardener.

Oh, and sometimes,
I'm the royal dresser.

Oh, wow.

Sweetie...
[bell jingling]

Princess Harmony
needs something.

I have to go.

Don't look at me.

I'm always the cook.

Hmm.

The good news is
you're in very good health.

Blood work looks fine,
low blood pressure.

Yeah, she works out
all the time.

Well, the only thing
I'm concerned about

Are the slightly elevated
fsh levels.

Fsh?

Follicle stimulating hormone.

The higher the level

The more difficulty we have
in ovulating.

Am I infertile?

No, no,
nothing like that.

Okay, but I can still get
pregnant within three years?

In thr--in three years?

Well,
given your fsh levels

And the real decline
in fertility

That occurs
between 34 and 37,

I suggest you think about
moving your timetable up.

Mm-hmm.
Uh, by how much?

Now.

I think now would be
a good time for us to start.

Uh, you think now
would be a good...

?? may God bless
and keep you always ??

?? may your wishes
all come true ??

?? may you
always do for others ??

?? and let others
do for you ??

?? may you build a ladder
to the stars ??

?? and climb
on every rung ??

?? and may you stay ??

?? forever young ??

?? may you grow up
to be righteous ??

?? may you grow up
to be true ??

?? may you
always know the truth ??

?? and see the light
surrounding you ??

?? may you
always be courageous ??

?? stand upright
and be strong ??

?? and may you stay ??

?? forever young ??

?? may you stay ??

?? forever young ??

Parenthood 1x05
The Situation
Original Air Date on March 30, 2010

[clapping]

Pitch right, buddy!

Hey, Adam,
Max's shirt's hanging out.

Yeah. It's okay, mom.

Why doesn't somebody
tuck it back in?

Mom, it's fine.

He's fine.

Better than my kid.

I have to tell him
ten times a day

To tie his laces.
Huh.

Listen, uh,
by the way, Adam,

If you guys need anything,

Help with meals,
rides to school, anything.

Thanks, Scott.

We can still feed
and clothe ourselves.

God, what a jackass.

[cell phone chimes]

Can I go over
to Steve's house tonight?

Because Marjorie and Dale
are making personal pizzas.

No. No, we're going over

To grandma and grandpa's
for dinner. You know that.

Well, he can join us.
Who?

That's okay.
You don't have to say that.

It's a done deal.

[chuckles]

[aluminum bat clinks]

Call it, Max!

Okay, okay!
Call it!

I got it!
Hey!

Call it, Max!
Hey! Hey!

It's okay, Max.
You just have to stand there.

That's what coach said.

[clapping]

It's okay.
Good try!

Oh, no one told you.

I like mine julienned
with the fancy edges.

Hey, did you
take the test?

The test?
The paternity test.

That one.
Oh, right, right.

Okay, did you at least
tell Katie about Jabbar?

No. It's a bad time
for her.

Her follicles
are over stimulated.

Adam, you knew about
this whole Jabbar thing?

You didn't tell him
to get a paternity test?

It's his life.

I figured he'd get around to it
when he was ready.

But he's a child, so...

She makes
a really good point, Adam.

You might have dropped
the ball on this one.

Crosby, I'm serious.

I'm--I'm--I'm really...

You have to get the test.

Yes. There are
serious financial

And legal ramifications.

You know, sometimes,
you sound so much like a lawyer.

The water's high,

So now you go
under the arch.

Okay, so turn right
and go under this arch,

And the water's coming, so...
Hey, Max.

Watch out.
He's gonna blast you.

Yo, Max!
You can win.

Hey, Max,
what do you say

We get a little practice in
before dinner?

Make sure you're ready

The next time a pop-up
comes your way.

He's right behind you!

Uh, do you have
an extra glove?

Yeah, you can
borrow mine.

Uh, hey, Max,
want to go play baseball?

Cool.

[Brett Dennen's
Darlin', Do Not Fear]

?? ??

All right, remember,
two hands, Max.

You can get it.
All right.

Throw it over to Drew.

All right, you want to stay
in front of the ball, Drew.

All right, got it.
Got it.

You've got a good arm.

Oh, thanks.

All right, remember,
two hands, Max.

Two hands, Max.
Two hands.

I know!
All right.

Hey, Max, come here.
Throw me the ball.

Watch. You.

See? When it goes
into the glove,

Put your hand
over it,

So that it stays
in the glove, all right?

Okay.

All right.
Here we go.

?? I was half a world away
from my home ??

Like that?

Just like that, Max.

Just like that.

Perfect.

Hi, honey.
Hey.

Hi, Drew.

?? darlin', do not fear ??

?? what you don't
really know ??

Hey, dad.
What's up, Adam?

Hey.

You know, I thought
he was a loser

Before he started
dating Haddie.

Oh, Amber.
Hmm?

I hear you're turning
into quite the English scholar.

How did you hear?

Was it the skywriter
that my mom hired,

Or was it the full-page ad
she took out?

It was the billboard
on San Pablo, of course.

Listen, don't worry
about that.

There's nothing
that travels faster

Than word of a Braverman's
accomplishments.

And, seriously, an "A"
from Mr. Cyr--nice going.

Yeah. He supposed
to be really hard.

Thanks, dude.

Uh, Camille,
this crisp is amazing.

Do I sense
some nutmeg?

Yeah, Camille,
what is it?

Very good.

"Camille"?
"Camille"?

It took me two years
to call her that.

I still can't.

Can I call her Camille?
No.

He's a keeper, huh?

Hey, Cammie?
[laughs]

Cam-cam, can we get
a little vanilla ice cream,

Go a la mode
on this crisp?

I think he's sweet.
He seems like a nice guy.

Yeah, he does.

He's cute.
Definitely cute.

He's cute.
He's really cute.

Isn't he?

No. No, no, no, no,
it's sick, okay?

She looks at him like some sort
of doe-eyed Disney character.

Yeah, dude,
that's what teenage girls

Look like
when they're in love.

She's not in love.
Yeah, well, you're a moron.

Oh, ouch.

Do you remember Sarah
with Seth

When she first met him?

Oh, my God.
"oh, I just loved

"your cover of in your eyes.

Your solo
totally kicked ass."

The hair flip.

Yes, it was the flip.

"Camille, this crisp
is so delicious.

Is there nutmeg in it?"

He's just
such a little--

A little what?

You know, seriously,
if just one girl

Had actually
had a crush on you,

You wouldn't be freaking out.
I did.

Well, Crosby,

You seem to forget
about Lisa Rainford,

Who stalked me
my entire junior year.

I remember
her sister Judy,

Who I snuck
into the merry-go-round with

At Tilden Park.

Oh, man, what a party.

You hooked up in--
in the merry-go-round?

Yeah, I hooked up
on the merry-go-round.

How could you focus?

Weren't you afraid
of getting arrested?

Wait a minute. You didn't
hook up on the merry-go-round?

Everybody hooked up
on the merry-go-round,

Even Adam.
What?

Okay.
Well, my fear of jail

Outweighed my desire
to hook up in a spinning cup.

What are you saying,
I squandered my youth?

I was just a rule follower?

I was just studying
for stupid tests?

I didn't say that,
but I agree with that.

I was just saying it was
a good place to hook up.

Amber's
a really good writer.

Really?
Yeah. You didn't read this?

No, I just took
the "a" at face value.

"the pivotal character,
Caddy, is seen

"only through the gaze
of her brothers

"and only in silhouette,

"running, vanishing,
forever elusive,

"forever out of reach,

A reflection
of their desires."

That was nice.
Yeah? You like that?

Whitman-esque.
Yeah.

Uh, wait a minute.

[pages rustle]

This is not Amber's paper.

This is my paper
from High School.

Amber copied
my paper!

What?

[laughing]

That's impossible.
She got an "A."

I copied the same paper
three years later.

Bitch.

Hello! Wake up!

Wake up!

Look what I found
in the attic!

Oh, it's my old paper
on The Sound and the Fury.

Are you kidding me
with this?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it's just that

The book
was so confusing,

And I just found that.
Oh, no.

It was just laying there,

And Mr. Cyr
is really, really hard.

Well, I can
only imagine then

What his reaction
is gonna be

When I tell him that you
did not write this paper.

Wait, what?

No, no, no,
you can't tell him.

Can't you just--

Can't you just punish me,
please?

No, I can't punish you,

Because I ran out of good
punishments for you in Fresno.

We'll have to see
what he comes up with.

Good night.
Wait!

But--
[door slams]

Hi there.

Hey.

Thank you so much.

I just needed to, um,
talk to you today

About Amber's paper.

Oh, cool.
I'm glad you read it.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I read it.

That's one
of the most original,

Insightful papers
I've ever read.

Really?

Yeah. I mean,
what she wrote about, um,

Caddy's evolution

From a girl who loved
climbing trees

To promiscuous teen,
that was really moving.

You didn't find it, uh,
over the top or misguided,

Like another teacher might?

No, no, I mean, I...

I love it when my students
think outside the box.

It's...It's what makes
the whole thing worth it.

Hmm.

That and
the free cafeteria food.

God, is that good.

It's so good.
With the ladle?

I eat all my food
out of ladles.

You know, there aren't
that many parents

That take
this kind of interest,

So no wonder
Amber's so special.

She obviously
gets it from you.

Um...Well, look, uh,

College applications
are right around the corner,

And if, uh...
For what it's worth,

I'd love to write her
a recommendation.

I mean, really?
Yeah.

You think she could
go to college?

Yeah, no question.

Wow.

Is there anything else
you want to talk to me about?

No.

Well, nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Oh, gosh,
I am late for work.

Okay.

So...I will be going there.

I'm a bartender
at Whiskey Mike's.

And why--why am I
telling you that?

I guess, you know what?
I'm trying to impress you.

Uh...It worked.

[laughs] okay.
I'll see you around, Sarah.

I hope so.
I mean, okay, bye.

Oh, can I try some?

Sure, sweetie.

Hey, you know
what I was thinking?

Next time you and Harmony
have a play date,

You should be the Princess.

But I don't even
want to be the Princess.

Well,
you've never tried it.

You're gonna love it.

And, you know, I bet you

Harmony would love
to have a little break, too.

[sighs]

Okay.

But I might
kind of forget.

Why don't we come up
with a code word, all right?

To help you remember.

Okay.
Yeah?

How about, um...

Tiara?
Okay.

Tiara.

Good.

Hey, kiddo.

What are you
reading about?

Stink bugs.

Great.

Well, what do you say
we head outside

And toss the ball
around a little bit?

No, thanks.

[telephone rings]

[rings]

Hello.

Oh, uh, hey, Adam.

It's me, Drew.

Oh, Drew. Hi.

Hey, um, I just wanted
to let you know

You left your baseball gear
here yesterday, so...

Oh, okay. I'll get it
next time I come over.

Yeah. Uh, well...

Also, I mean,
if you want to practice again,

Uh, today, I'm free.

Oh, okay.

Uh, hey, Max,

It's Drew.

He wants to know
if you want to play some ball.

Sure!

All right, Drew,
sounds like we got a plan.

All right, yeah.

Yeah, bye.

Ready?

Ow!

All right, ready?

All right, keep that glove
down, now, all right?

Yeah.

Gotta remember to keep
those knees bent now.

Get that glove down.

Get it! Get it!

Come on, Max!
All right.

Can I go get
a drink of water?

Yeah. Just hustle
back, okay?

All right, Drew,
you ready?

Are--are you ready?

What?
Yeah.

All right,
let's see what you got.

All right, pretend
that didn't happen, Drew.

What was that?
Look away.

Pretend that didn't
happen, buddy.

All right!

That's what I'm talkin' about!
Good stop!

Did you see that?
[laughing]

Let's see--are you ready?

Let's see what you got.

Let's see what you got.

Get under it!

Yeah! Nice!

Come on.

Hey, you.
Hey.

Just wondering why
you didn't come into work today.

Oh, uh, they canceled
the session.

Yeah, but there's
still stuff to do,

And you usually
stop by, and...

I was just
sort of noticing

That maybe you've
been laying a little low

Since our visit
with Dr. Gerard.

Have I?

But he kind of
freaked me out, too.

[laughs]

Was it that he wants
all three of us

To have a kid together?

Mm, God, I know.

But you know what,
I've been thinking,

And it's not like three years
is that far away.

And, you know,
we're in a good place, right?

Yeah, we are.

And I know
that's not our deal,

Which I will honor.

But there's really
nothing holding us back

From starting right now,
so if you're willing,

So am I.

Well? What did he say?

Was he mad?
Was he upset?

Was he sad?

Well, what happened?

I didn't tell him.

'cause he's so cool,
right?

No, not 'cause
he's so cool.

Because he believes in you,

And for some stupid reason,
so do I.

You better not let us down.

I totally won't.

You owe me a paper
on The Sound and the Fury.

Wait.

And it better be original
and insightful and moving.

Hey. Hope you don't mind.

I borrowed Drew
for a little while.

Hey. That's okay.

Hey, Drew,
we'll see you tomorrow

At the ballpark,
a little batting practice.

Yep.
Here.

But it's yours.

Well,
just take good care of it,

Keep it oiled.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, Drew.
Thanks.

Bye.

[whispering]
okay, okay, okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Um, Jabbar is
actually out at a sleepover

Right now.

Well, I actually
came to talk to you, so...

Oh, okay.

Um...

I want to get
a paternity test,

You know, for Jabbar.

What?

Well, I'm just--
I'm trying to make

Some big life decisions,
and, uh, my little sister,

Who acts like she's
older than me, but isn't--

Anyway, she's a lawyer,

And she says that
I should know for sure.

So you think
I'm lying?

No, no, no, no.

I just need to know
exactly what my, uh...

What did she say?

Exactly what
my responsibilities are,

Financially
and legally speaking.

I didn't
introduce you to him

To try and hit you up
for money

Or to pull some scam
or whatever it is

You and your sister
think I'm up to.

I just wanted my son
to know his father. That's all.

Yeah, I don't--
listen, um...

This was a mistake.

Yeah, it was.

Can we just rewind and forget
about this conversation?

Actually,
you just need to go, okay?

All right.
But, look,

Hey, wait.
Jabbar and I--

Are Jabbar and I still on
for the zoo tomorrow?

I don't think so.

You don't think so?

[door slams]

All right, that was...

That was great.

Haddie:
[speaking indistinctly]

[giggling]

I don't know,
it's so random.

Hey, Haddie.
Mom?

What's up?
Mom!

Whoa! Kristina,
lookin' good.

Hey, Steve.

Um, you know what?

Haddie has to log off
the computer.

Oh, yeah. No problemo.

Uh, ttyl.

[slams screen]

You know the rule.
No computer after 10:00.

No, actually,
you guys said the phone.

I don't think
that the Braverman Taliban

Has outlawed the computer.

Okay, whatever.

You broke the spirit
of the rule,

Of the phone,
with the computer.

Whatever.

Haddie, do not walk
away from me

When I'm talking to you.

What's going on?

You know what?
Maybe you guys could learn

A few parenting tips
from Steve's parents.

Rule number one being

Give your kids
just a little bit of privacy.

Hey, you know what,
Haddie?

[door closes]

You all right?
No, I'm not.

I hate Steve's parents.

I hate them.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, did you talk
to Jasmine

About the paternity test?

Hey. Yeah, I did,
and, man, it went great.

Good.

You want me to set up
an appointment

With my guy
for you and Jabbar?

Oh, no, you don't have
to go to all that trouble,

Because thanks to you

Telling me
how to live my life,

Jasmine now thinks
I'm a giant jackass

And doesn't want me
anywhere near Jabbar.

Oh, and Katie's going
off the pill tomorrow, too,

So that's great news.

Wow.

Well, I don't know
how all of that

Is exactly my fault,

But don't you think
that that's suspicious

That Jasmine freaked out
when you brought up the test?

Yeah,
or maybe it's because

I basically
called her a liar.

You just
want to know the truth.

Yeah, and she said
I was the father.

And then refused to let you
corroborate that.

"corroborate"?

Did you just really
use that word

In a normal conversation?

Cros,
just find something

That has Jabbar's DNA
on it.

Oh, come on.

Just--just find a comb

With a few strands
of hair,

A tissue,
a cup he drank out of.

All right?

A sample of saliva or hair,

And my guy
will run the test.

Mm-hmm.

And then we know
for sure?

And then you'll know
for sure.

And the longer you wait,

The harder it's
gonna be to find out,

No matter
which way it goes.

[glass clinks]

Pot roast.

Just so you know...
Yeah.

Today, on me.

Break
a decades-old tradition?

Why start now?

I'm trying to be nice,

'cause you're being
so nice about Drew.

You kiddin' me?
I should be thanking you.

He's a great kid.

Seriously, thank you.

You're welcome.

Tell you what,
if you really want to thank me,

You can help me
figure out what to do

About yo-yo and Haddie.

He's just constantly
touching her.

Uch. I don't know.
Don't ask me.

Amber just makes out
in a car

Like a normal teenager.

I swear, this kid's
got, like, eight hands.

Well, maybe
it's a compliment, you know.

He's showing you how comfortable
he feels around you.

Well, that is
exactly the opposite

Of how I want him
to feel.

He's
like gropey groperson.

Hey, maybe the more
they do it in public,

The less they do it
in private.

It's just a theory.
It's not helping.

Hey, where's Crosby?

I keep calling him,
and he doesn't call me back.

I don't know.

Just busy doing
Crosby stuff, I guess.

Like what?

There's nothing going on.

You're the worst liar.

All right, look.

This is big news, okay?

[gasps]

Crosby has a son.

Pfft! Shut up.

I thought you were actually
telling me something.

I'm serious.
Listen to me.

He has a five-year-old boy
named Jabbar.

There's no way you could
make up that name.

I'm serious.
He has a little boy, okay?

Since when?
Since five years ago.

No, since
when have you known?

Oh, couple weeks.

A couple weeks?

Don't make it
about the fact

That you haven't known
until now.

How could you
keep that from me?

You're the worst liar
in the family.

He asked me
not to tell anybody.

And you actually
did that?

I can't believe
you've known this.

Would you get over it?
You know now.

Can't believe
you didn't tell me.

Don't hit me.

And I got
the organic kiwis.

Harmony won't eat
the conventionally grown ones.

Oh.

Pomegranate juice?

Oh, no, thanks.
I'm fine.

Sydney, tiara.

[laughs]

Um, Harmony?

Can I try to be
the Princess this time?

But I'm always
the Princess.

But maybe I can try
being the Princess this time.

Okay.

What do you
want to do?

I don't know.

Maybe you want to tell
your subjects there's a ball.

Um, there's
gonna be a ball.

I don't want
to go to a ball.

Balls are boring.

Yeah, I thought so, too.

Hey, do you know what?

I think the Maid's
really a queen

Who's been working
undercover,

And now she's
staging a coup.

How do you know
what a coup is?

My mom told me that's
what happened in Thailand

When everyone
got tired of the king.

She's fascinated
by southeast Asia.

Oh.
She "couped" me, mommy,

And I didn't even
want to be the Princess!

It's okay, sweetie,
I know.

I know.

We can't make
our children

Into people they're not.

Thanks. That's very...

Buddhist.

[tv playing]

Hey, has anybody
seen the...

The bat?

What's up, Adam?

We're just watching
a movie.

Oh. Well, don't you guys
have any...

Homework to do?

Nope, all done.

[sighs]

Hey, have either of you
seen a baseball

Here on the sofa?

No.
No.

You sure?
'cause I could swear--

Dad, what are you doing?
I'm sorry.

I just--
you can't play baseball

Without the ball.

So I just can't find it.

I guess I must have
left it in the car.

Hmm. So...

Yeah. All right, Max,
let's get in the car.

It's time
to go play some ball.

But today is Saturday.

Uh-huh.

You promised me last week

That we could go
to Yogurtland on Saturday.

Well, today,
we are working

On our batting
with Drew.

But it's Saturday.
Yeah, I know.

We're supposed
to go today.

You said we were going

To Yogurtland
on Saturday!

Listen, Max,
we can go after--

They're gonna be closed!

Look, Max, okay, look,
if you can just hold off--

You said we were
going today!

Listen, okay?

You said we were going
to Yogurtland on Saturday!

Hey, Adam, if you want,

I could totally take him.

I'll take him.

All right, Max, come on,
let's, uh...

Let's go to Yogurtland.
Come on.

Kristina?

[sighs]

[cell phone rings]

Hey.

Hey, Drew,
it's Uncle Adam, listen,

We're not gonna be able
to make practice today.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay.

It's just,
I promised Max

We were gonna have
yogurt today, and...

Dad!
It's a long story.

Yeah, it's fine.
We can just, uh...

You're passing it! Dad!

I have to park.

You just missed a spot,
dad, right there!

Drew, I gotta go.
Right there!

I'm sor--I'm gonna
have to call you later.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you?

Great.
Glad you could make it.

Oh, and pass up an opportunity
for free pancakes?

Are you crazy?

Well, I don't know about that.
Thank you.

Wait, you're reneging
already on the pancakes?

We'll just see.

Well, let me see,
I'll tell you.

What's new with you?

Mm, nothing.

Nothing?

Oh, my God.

Julia told you
that I have a son.

Julia knows?

Adam told you?

Julia knows?

Just--you know--
I'm the last to know?

I mean--
I'm sorry, okay?

I--I've just--it's kind
of a major situation

And, I don't know,
a bit of a conundrum.

You're right.

And, normally,
I would tell you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
Congratulations.

I mean, is it
a congratulations?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, at first, no,
but, yeah.

Yeah, I like him.

You do like him?

Yeah. You will, too.
That's lucky.

I know. Well,
he could have been a dud.

[laughing]
that's amazing.

Yeah.
What's he like?

Um, he's really sweet,

And he's kind of quiet,

And he's got
a really cute smile,

And he's got really cute,
Curly hair.

I know.
It's the worst.

Both: [laughing]

Yeah.
Did you tell Katie?

Mm, no.
No?

No.

What about the can
of sperm and Katie?

No, you gotta tell her.
You're all grown up now.

Yeah, there's no canister
of sperm anymore.

She wants my kid,
like, now.

Then you're really
gonna have to tell her.

Mm, I don't know.

Crosby, you guys are talking
about having a child,

And you
have one already.

You have to tell her.

Look, what if I tell her

And then she doesn't want
anything to do with me?

You gotta leave that
up to her, you know.

You have to do
the right thing.

I don't really
want these anymore.

One chocolate
with only yellow m&ms,

And one nonfat sugar-free
heath bar

With extra oreo.

Yes, I am fully aware
of the irony of my order, honey.

Don't make fun.

Steve, you're telling me
that you seriously

Just didn't like the movie?

It shouldn't be called
love actually.

It should
be called lame actually.

It was just
a bunch of people

Gazing at each other
longingly.

It--it was
totally romantic.

No, it was
totally superficial.

I can't believe
you couldn't see that.

I can't believe
that you're just being

Such a jerk right now.

[whispering] hey.

Oh, really?
I'm a jerk?

How am I being a jerk

By having
my own opinion?

My bad.

Okay, you know what?
Your bad?

You can leave.

Fine.

Fine.

[door opens]

Haddie?

Are you all right?

Yeah, um...

We're just, um...

He--he just...

He's just
not who I thought he was.

[sobbing]

Oh, Haddie.

[running upstairs]

Crap.

This might be
the best moment of my life.

You're rotten.

So how did "operation
dethrone Harmony" go?

It was a disaster.

Yeah?
Harmony wouldn't abdicate?

No, Sydney hated
being the Princess.

Well,
there's nothing wrong

With staying a member
of the proletariat.

It's my fault, too.

I made her do it.

I'm such a control freak,
aren't I?

All right, this is
where you say, "no, you're not.

"you were just trying
to teach your daughter

To stand up for herself."

Does telling me
exactly what I should say

Make you feel like less
of a control freak?

All right, fine. Fine.

This is who I am.
I am going to accept it.

I'm a control freak.

I don't do anything
spontaneous,

Like hook up on a merry-go-round
in Tilden Park.

[laughs]
that's still bothering you?

Aw, come on!

Come on,
you're very crazy.

You do crazy stuff.

I do?

Yes, yes.

We're very wild.

We went
on that river rafting trip.

Remember,
there were rapids?

There weren't rapids.

There weren't rapids,
but there was a current.

You know, there was
a very strong current.

[laughs]

I'm gonna go
check for a pulse.

Come on! No!
Co--

We went on a parasailing trip
for our honeymoon.

That was--
well, I went on it,

But you were
right on the shore,

Cheering me on.

[video game laser blasts]

No, thanks, I got it.

You know, if you're
gonna make me read

This incomprehensible book,
the least you could do

Would be to ask Luke Skywalker
to turn down the volume!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were
playing ball with Uncle Adam.

Yeah, he canceled.

I don't know,
he had to take Max

To get ice cream or something.
I don't know.

Ice cream?

What do you mean?
You guys had a plan.

Yeah, I don't know.

[explosion]

[sighs]

Well, what about
the environmental implications

Of dumping this much
estrogen into the bay?

Don't worry.
It's very low dosage.

Okay, good-bye to
all the devices and barriers

And hormones that I've been
using all these years

To avoid getting pregnant,

And hello to--

Cross my fingers, I hope
I'm not jinxing anything--

A little
mini katie-Crosby being.

Uh, listen,
before you throw this

Into the bay
and sterilize all the fish,

I gotta tell you something.

I have a son.

What?

I--I have--
I have a son.

I had a fling 5 1/2 years ago
with his mother,

And a month and half ago,

She moved back
to Berkeley

And introduced me
to him.

His name's Jabbar.

Um...Wow.

I'm really sorry
I didn't tell you about it.

You know, I was just trying
to get to know him,

And I didn't know
when the right time--

Was this the little boy

that you brought
to the studio?

Yes, that was him.

You didn't introduce him
to me.

No, I--I did not.

I didn't introduce him
to you.

You know, it was--
it was confusing.

Well, I'm sure it was
confusing,

But you've also been
sneaking around

And hiding him
and--and--

And keeping him from me
for over a month.

I'm sorry if I didn't
tell you right off the bat,

But, you know, you've been
a little bit psycho

With this whole baby thing.
Oh, psycho?

That's what you call
wanting to have a baby is?

Because I thought
that was something

That we both really wanted.

I didn't mean to s--

No, you know,
I can't keep pushing you.

It's not fair
to either of us.

You can't answer the question
why you blew Drew off?

Well, it's not
that simple, Sarah.

It's not that hard, Adam.

You said you'd meet him
at the baseball diamond,

Just meet him
at the baseball diamond.

Look, at some point
in the distant past,

I had promised Max

That I would take him
to Yogurtland this afternoon.

I forgot about it,
he didn't.

And you can't just change
plans on Max,

Because he falls apart.

He's not the only kid

Who has been dealt
a rough hand.

I know.

All Drew has done
his whole life

Is sit around and wait
for his father to show up.

Wait for him at school,

Wait for him after soccer,

Wait for him
on whole weekends

That were his weekends
to take them,

And he would never show up!

And the last thing
he needs

Is another half-assed
father figure!

Half-assed--

[groans]

I would have loved

To have gone to the ballpark
this afternoon.

It was
because of your son

That I got to go to the ballpark
in the first place.

And these last few days
have been great,

Playing ball
with those boys.

It was almost like...

Max didn't have
a "situation."

And that is what was so hard
about this afternoon.

I'm sorry.

Last couple of days...

It was almost like Drew
had a father...

Thanks to you.

He's a good ballplayer.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Prepare
to be whisked away.

Hi, honey.

Your mother is watching
Sydney tonight.

I have a brief due
in the morning.

Don't worry.

I've got it all under control
so you don't have to.

Oh, boy.

Come on.

[laughs]

They're closed.

Yeah,
that's the point, Jules.

That way we have
the whole pool to ourselves.

But that's trespassing.

Is it?

No, I mean,
it's a misdemeanor.

Oh, my God!

They could charge us
with breaking and entering.

They could.
They probably could.

We would get into
a lot of trouble, wouldn't we?

Here, come on.

Right there.

Come on, Braverman.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Amber didn't drive you
to drink, did she?

Oh, no, no.

No, not exactly.

But, um, I will
have a beer.

Yeah.
Something in an ale?

Sure.

I'm gonna have to see
your I.D., though.

Bar policy.

Oh, okay.

Huh. Oh, really?

Please don't hold
the eyebrow piercing against me.

It was
a drunken college dare.

1983.

Yep.

[clears throat]

So, uh, Amber told me
about the paper.

Oh, she did?

I'm really impressed.

I couldn't tell you.

And her new paper
wasn't half bad, either.

Doesn't seem
like something

That came off the Internet,
does it?

No, no, no,
it sounded just like Amber.

There's not
a lot of downloaded papers

That use the word "suck"
with such frequency.

[chuckles]

Wow, that's great.

I'm proud of her.

Course, it wasn't
nearly as captivating

And insightful
as that first paper.

So an eyebrow piercing.
Hmm.

Hmm.
Begs the question, tattoos?

No, no tattoos.

Hey.

Hey.

Jabbar left this
at my place last time,

And I was gonna take it
to my sister's DNA guy,

But then I thought,

Jabbar's oral hygiene

Is a lot more important
than that, so...

I get it.

I get it.

You know, we don't really
know each other very well,

And I just dropped
this thing

Right on your lap.

You have every right
to want to know for sure.

Yeah. I know for sure.

I know,

But let's just take
the test anyway.

Let's make
your annoying sister happy.

That's impossible,
but...

We can try.
We can try.

If they prosecute me
for trespassing

With criminal intent,

That's considered
a felony.

Uh-huh.
I could be disbarred.

Oh.

I don't even want to think

About what kind of fine
or jail time that entails.

I wouldn't.

You would have to
go back to work.

Oh.
Which would mean

There's no one
to watch Sydney,

Because I'm in jail.

So, um, no.

No. No, no, no, no!
[giggling]

Aah!

[laughing]

Okay, you n.

Chocolate chip pancakes?

Mm-hmm.

I'm just trying to, you know,
cheer Haddie up

After everything that happened
with Steve yesterday.

[cell phone chimes]
oh, my God.

[giggles] stop.

Hmm.

Seems to be taking it
pretty well.

Hey, Haddie.
Morning.

Hi.

Who are you texting?

Steve.

Hmm?
Oh.

I know. He totally admitted
that he was wrong

About love actually.

Oh.
Really?

Mm-hmm. The movie
really shut him down

Because he's been afraid
to care about somebody

The way that Mark cares
about keira knightley,

Like, till now,

And he was just masking
his vulnerability with cynicism.

That's cute.

I know.
That's cute.

He's really sensitive.

Oh.

That's nice.

[cell phone chimes]

What'd he say?

What? What is it?

What's he saying?

Nothing.

Oh. Huh.

All right, well, what are we
gonna do about this?

Nothing.
Nothing?

Nothing.
It is what it is,

And there's nothing
we can do about it.

Well, can I still
hate the guy?

[applause]

Okay,
pay attention, Max.

Come on, Max.

Max, please.

[cheering]

Get under it!

Come on, Max.

Got it!
I got it!

Yes!

Yeah! Yeah!

Good grab, Max!
Good grab!

[Devendra Banhart's Foolin']

?? ??

?? Ahh ??

?? ah-ah-ahh ??

?? ah-ahh ??

?? ah-ah-ah-ah ??

Drew!

?? foolin' ??

Drew.

?? on the human population ??

Aw, come on.

?? ah-ah-ah-ah ??

?? I know my mind's
on the front line ??

?? but when I'm lovin' ??

?? on the human population ??

?? ah-ah-ah-ah ??

?? thank God my heart's ??

?? playin' its part ??

?? love is ??

?? the birth of a nation ??

?? ah-ah-ah-ah ??

?? born from the good womb
of humankind ??

?? and all these ??

?? stories of creation ??

?? ah-ah-ah-ah ??

?? came from the same flame
of the most high ??

?? one day,
one day at a time ??