Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Boat! - full transcript

Previously on Paradise PD...

Sorry, wrong clip.
Uh, previously on Paradise PD...

I'm Splooge McDuck!


Oh, goddamn it!
Who the hell picked these clips?

All right, fuck it.
I'll just tell you what happened.

Charles Lovely bought the town,
walled it off, and banished my son.

AFKAK, not the cool baby.

Roll the episode.

Ain't I a stinker?

Hey! I need to get in there.

It's important. I need to warn my friends
about Charles Lovely's evil plans!

Lord Lovely has decreed
that you shall not pass!

Oh, cut the shit, Brad.
You work at Target.

And you have a pollen allergy.

I call it the Curse of Histamenia,

placed upon me by the wizard Zyrtec.

You asked for it.

You dare attack me, scoundrel?

Prepare thyself
to taste the pain of a thousand blows.

It appears we're evenly matched.

Oh no, Mom.
You're stuck in the dryer again.

It's these damn giant titties.

Good morning, everyone.

What the hell's Gollum doing here?

Due to the purchase
and takeover of Paradise...

We don't have your ring!

Please, don't sodomize us
next to a riverbank.

That was Deliverance, Hopson.

Just go with it. For once he said
he didn't want to be sodomized.

Charles Lovely has taken pity
on you unemployed bums

and given you all jobs.

You will all be selling
Lovely products door-to-door.

Except for you.
Your job's to let me smell your head.

Ah! That's good shit!

Now, let's go around the room
and introduce ourselves.

I'll start. I'm Thester Car bomb IV.

I'm a bit of an idiot,
and I like to raise and smother lemurs.

Who's next?

Howdy. Uh, I'm Bullet,
and I'm a talking dog.

"A small Armenian man
who thinks he's a dog."

I'm Dusty Marlow.

I was a sweetheart
before I went to ladies' prison,

and now I don't give a fuck.

My friends call me Dr. Bro-Down McCools.

We don't call you that.

Who says you're my friends, assholes?

What up, McCools?

See you tonight, Blood Knife!
We gonna fuck up them Mayans!

You, uh, care to elaborate, Dusty?

I'm sorry, I don't speak Armenian.

"Pretend to write
since I never learned how."

Who's next?

I'm Stanley Hopson,
and I like historical tidbits.

Would you mind sharing one with us?

You know our 32nd president, FDR?

Well, he was just FR
before I slipped him the D.

"Hopson. The smart one."

You next. Who are you?

Are you fucking serious?

You don't remember me?
We turned the town into a pizza together!

I see.

"I wonder if they know"

that I am just drawing
an iguana with sunglasses

"since I am illiterate."

Thester, listen!

I'm gonna say what we're all thinking.
We don't wanna sell products door-to-door.

And now I'm gonna say what I'm thinking.

Why did Popeye always wait
so long to eat the spinach?

Also, why didn't Bluto eat the spinach?

Olive Oyl's the one who should be eating
the spinach. She looks bulimic.

And also, why didn't Popeye
ever work out his upper arms?

What the fuck's this gotta do with us?

Right. Did I mention
that you'll be working on a point system

and the top seller wins this prize?

A six-slice toaster!

Six slices! Is it from the future?

Oh joy!

Me and five other friends can fuck it.

Ooh! Y'all are gonna be, dare I say...

toast? You get it?

You guys suck.

I guess next time I'll just eat
my own asshole to get a laugh.

I think that's the only thing
you haven't eaten today.

Fuck all y'all!

It's the Cadillac of toasters.

Ever since I was a kid,
I've dreamt of owning a six-slice toaster.

Yeah, baby! I'm making it grain!

Wow, six slices of toast. Thanks, Karen.

Yeah. It took me all morning
to make these with my four-slice toaster.

Plus I had to throw away two slices.

There's gotta be a better way.


Can you believe Charles Lovely paid
$10 million to buy this shithole town?

What are we going to do
with all our new money?

You don't have to worry about that, baby.

I already invested it in a secure,
low-risk, recession-proof...


So you spent $10 million on this?!

No, I'm not stupid.

Most of the money went to dig the canals.

Randall, this is...


Ahoy! You guys need some help?

Oh, you betcha.
We could... we could sure use some...


Robby, know how we've been getting a check
from the government to home school Dobby?

Yep. I've been teaching him
the big philosophical questions.

Like why the fuck does Popeye
wait so long to eat the spinach?

Also, if he can open that can
with his bare hands,

why the fuck
don't he just crush Bluto's windpipe?

Well, this letter here says
Dobby has to pass a standardized test

or we're cut off.

Oh, shit.

Okay, listen Dobby. I'm gonna teach you
how to pass that sand-or-rice test.

They gonna give you
a bowl of sand and a bowl of rice.

Eat the rice. Do not eat the sand.

Not a sand-or-rice test.
A standardized test.

Good. That sand-or-rice test is tough.

This is serious. Dobby needs to learn
all his school subjects in one day.

I can teach him everything
he needs to know.

Just hand me my brain boost juice.

You feeling smarter, Flobby?

No, I don't think
this shit's working, Belzert.

Hello. We're from Lovely Corp, and...

Hi. We're from Lovely Corp.

- Hello, we're from...
- We don't want none!

This is my apartment, bitch!

Hi! We're from Lovely Corp, and...

Sorry, friendlies. I'm gonna have
to slam the door in your face, baby.

♪ Out on the water, gonna party down ♪

♪ I got the coolest boat in town ♪

♪ Go through Sonic drive-through
In my boat ♪

♪ Going to Six Flags in my boat ♪

♪ Going to a funeral in my boat ♪

♪ Getting a colonoscopy here in my boat ♪

♪ Every other boat
Looks like a fucking clown ♪

♪ I got the coolest boat in town ♪

What the fuck? Vlad?

Hey! Bitch man!
Where you get that sissy boat?

Sissy boat?!

Real boat have disco ball,
kegerator, and Casio keyboard, bro!

Just ask dead-eyed bikini girls

or second richest man
in town, Camaro the Bob!

What's the name of your boat, baby?
The SS Cock Chugger?


Vlad even wrote boat song.

♪ Fuck boat ♪

♪ Fuck boat, fuck boat, fuck boat ♪

Your boat song sucks,
and everyone's gonna hate it!

Now, the number one hit
in the country. Vlad with "Fuck Boat."

♪ Fuck boat
Fuck boat, fuck boat, fuck boat ♪

Goddamn it. That shit slaps.

Dobby, to prepare for your test,

we're gonna teach you
all about American history.

Son, America was discovered in 1492

by a historic figure
named Christopher Cum-Bus.

I'm gonna call this America.

What a great discovery
for a jizz-filled bus.

Christopher Cum-Bus
became our first president,

wrote the Ten Commandments,

fought alongside General David E. Lee Roth
in the battle of Van Halen,

and invented electricity, before he died
fighting the Dinobots on 9/11.

Never forget.

That huffing gas is eating a lot of holes
in your daddy's brain.

You didn't sell a single thing!

You all suck
and are terrible at your jobs!

Except for you.

You keep smelling like that,
you'll be management soon.

As for the rest of you, at Lovely Corp,
non-performance gets punished.

HR said I can't do this to you,

but I can make you
watch me do it to myself.

This motherfucker is crazy.

The lust for the one ring
made him this way.

What's that ringing?

Oh, it's the old 911 line.
We just let it ring.

Well, answer it!

Oh, yeah, right. And do what? Go help 'em?
We didn't do that shit when we were cops.

No! Go sell them crap!

It's the perfect way
to get your foot in the door.

If you need motivation, remember
what our first president once said.

"I'm a bus full of jizz."

Your first president? Christopher Cum-Bus?

Hmm. Perhaps I shouldn't have paid a man
in a TITS hat for citizenship classes.

Somebody call 911?

My wife shot me.
I need to get to a hospital.

I think what you need more

is the Lovely Corp
Super-Sucker Wet-Dry Vac.

Oh, look at it suck your little blood
right out the carpet.

It's cleaning it up faster
than you're bleeding it out.

Wow. My normal leading brand
vacuum cleaner can't do that.

Act now and get
this brain splatter attachment,

in case your wife
gets a heads hot next time.

I'd recommend that. I'm reloadin'!

Dear God!

Hold it right there!

You don't wanna do this.

With a regular, dull kitchen knife.

Introducing the Lovely Ever-Sharp Knife.

Buy now and get a free roll of happy tape.

Isn't that better?

Wow. I was looking
for something to take the edge off

when I have sex with their dead bodies.

Thanks, Lovely Corp.

♪ Lovely Corp ♪

Submission is inevitable.

That post on Next door was true!
My dolphin queen has returned!

Oh, yeah, baby. Let me rim that blowhole.

Fitz, it's me, Kevin!

I-I-I know. I-I-I'm very lonely.

I'm sorry I tricked you,
but it's important.

Lovely Corp is planning
something really terrible.

I don't wanna hear you
shit-talking Lovely Corp.

Thanks to them,
I could own a six-slice toaster.

Then I'll be able
to fuck any dolphin I want.

Oh my God!


Who's got the coolest boat now?

My kegerator's powered by plutonium.

You never had a beer this cold.

Ha ha! I'm on a boat
in a boat. Double boat, bitch!

That SS Cock Chugger
is looking a lot cooler now, baby.

Oh yeah?

Well, I apply sticker
of the Calvin making piss on your boat.

Calvin would never do that!

See? Not pissing.

Look at all these points.
You're all neck and neck.

Have you been up all night?

Mine! Mine!

Ooh! This is so hot!

Turns out I enjoy this.

I need this toaster
to make my dreams come true.

You're all mine. The four-slice toaster
just doesn't get the job done.

See? I told you
I wouldn't die from an overdose.

You win. Here's your five dollars.

Damn. I didn't think this out.

Ooh! Five dollars.

I don't know why we wasted all that time

trying to fill up that model
of Christopher Cum-Bus.

Man, you told me
Dobby was a jizz-jual learner.

I think you need hearing aids.

Did you just say penis ass?
Why do you say shit like that?

Anyway. We better finish the rest
of these subjects in a lightning round.


Give me your goddamn wallet!

Home Economics.

Give me your goddamn wallet
and make me an omelet!

Women's Studies.

See, she's reclaiming her sexuality.
That's the third-wave feminism.


And that's how you hot wire Honda Civics.



Fat horse.

Water horse.

Pointy horse.

Potassium horse.

And last but not least, geography.

This is the Earth.

Wait a minute. That's the Earth?

How the fuck can that be the Earth
when we on the Earth?

Robby, this is just a...

No, no, no. I understand science.

Fuck you, tiny us!

This is some party, baby.

Hey. You're not Camaro the Bob.
He's Camaro the Bob.

I'm starting to question everything, baby.

Okay, you got me. Your boat is cooler.

But my boat is faster!
I challenge you to a race.

Winner gets the bikini girls.

We choose to be okay
with being gambled off.

Fourth-wave feminism. Mmm!

You're on.

Who the hell is this guy?

Okay, you got me.


I won!

Oh shit! I guess it just ain't safe
to go from 200 to zero instantly.

I called 911.

They sold me this happy tape, baby.

Them dead bodies look so happy,
I don't have to feel guilty.

Thanks, Lovely Corp.

♪ Lovely Corp ♪

There is nothing after death but darkness.

Are you ready, son?

You have four hours
to complete your sand-or-rice test.

I told you.

That's right.
I forgot we live in a cartoon.

- Yeah!
- Huzzah.

Your son is a genius.
Nobody's ever solved it that fast.

Robby, turns out you were right
about that sand-or-rice test.

I've never been right
about something before.

I wonder what else I might be right about.

Fuck you, tiny us!

You've got one more chance
to let me in, or else!

Or else what, peasant?

No! Mine allergies!

I, Zyrtec, have finally defeated you.

Fuck you, Neil. Aren't you supposed
to be stocking at Target right now?

No! They fired me
for masturbating! Zibble-bibble!

You wanted to see me?

Gotta impress the boss.

Psst. Kevin.

AFKAK. I thought you got banned from town.

Yes. That's why
I'm dressed as this water horse.

Listen. Lovely Corp is dangerous.

Charles Lovely is planning something
called The Eternal Reckoning.

I don't know exactly what it is,

but I know it's bad,
and we have to stop him.

Holy shit. I better go tell someone, then.

AFKAK's in the bushes outside.

Mr. Lovely wouldn't like that.

All right. One million points
to the person who brings him to me!

Hold on! Hold on!

You are all pathetic.

You can't sell out your friend
for a toaster.

Because I'm doing it first, cock chuggers.

Yeah, I heard that one earlier. I like it.

Now, what kind of a sack
is that for a AFKAK?

What you need is a Lovely Corp Nerd Net,

made from breathable steel micromesh
so your nerds don't get all sweaty inside.

Only 29.99.


Man, these pockets is tight.

Got a fat ass
and can't fit cash in your pockets?

Looks like you need
a Lovely Corp Pocket Genie. Only 29.99.


Aw. Now I ain't got no money.

What am I supposed
to do with this pocket genie?

Oh. I know.

Why are you doing this?!

For a six-slice toaster.

They're, like, 50 bucks!

I'll buy you all one right now!

He's lying. This is a seven-slice toaster.

He's trying to make us choose
between wasting bread or electricity.

Kill him!

We've been searching high and low.

Yeah, I've been looking
everywhere for you, AFKAK.

Uh-huh, the only man, the one and only man

who hates Lovely Corp
as much as we do, yeah.

Hate is a strong word,
but it's perfect when you mean it.

Now, welcome to the resistance. Oh yeah.

Who is that guy?

He's just here to wear me.

See, there was a problem reversing
the experimental procedure at the FBI.

Wait a minute.
They let you back into the FBI?

Why is that everyone's first question?
I'm pants, goddamn it!

Everyone, it looks like our point leader

and new owner
of his very own six-slice toaster

is Gerald Fitz.

I've caught AFKAK.

What the fuck is this?

That's Tilda Swinton.

We have a new winner!

I didn't even want this.

Remember that toast joke I told?
Next time, laugh.