Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Butt Cut - full transcript

Hello, everyone.
I've got an announcement to make.


What? I'm not gay.

That's a relief.

As a family-valued Republican,
I don't condone that lifestyle.

What I was trying to announce
is that I am boycotting Lovely Corp.

I am done using their products!

Damn it!

Ah, you're just jealous
'cause Charles Lovely stole Gina,

your quote-unquote girlfriend, AFKAK.

I love Lovely Corp products.

I just bought a pair
of Lovely Corp horse detector glasses.

Why would you need horse detector glasses?

Because 98% of Americans
suffer from horse blindness.

Holy shit.

And look at my cool Lovely Corp product.

The Snuggle Me Lovely Doll.

It even talks to me.

You are
a collection of cells. Nothing more.

I got me a new Lovely Corp insulin pump

slash soft-serve machine.

Can I have a cone?

Get your own damn diabetes!

Oh yeah, I'd love to buy useless crap too,
but I can't, on account that I'm a dog.

Also, I'm broke,

because the only job for dogs
in this town is being an art model.

Hey! Think you can hurry up?

Almost done.

What? You all thought
it was funny when Dusty did it!

Man, being a dog sucks.

I can't even buy booze
because I'm only seven,

and by the time I turn 21, I'll be dead.

And really, there's not even,
like, a single difference between me

and anyone else in this...

Fuck you! Fuck you, vacuum cleaner!
Suck my dick! I fucking hate you! Not a single thing different.

Hey, check this out, AFKAK.

It's the Lovely Corp Glory Wormhole.

For when you hate to travel,

but still got a hankering
for some good ol' alien cock.

Step one, find a wall.

Step two, remove your teeth.


And I got the Lovely Corp
Old People Mute Button.

It also works on grandmas

who won't shut the fuck up
about me finding a church.

One minute, I'm threatening
to smother Hopson in his sleep,

and like magic, an ad for the Old People
Mute Button popped up on my phone.

That's because the Lovely Phones
are listening to everything you say

and serving you targeted ads.

You sound like one of those
conspiracy wackjobs. Phones don't do that.

Are you a dog who needs a job
where you get paid to take drugs?

Hello, C story.

Hey, you diaper dickhead.

Where the hell do you think
you're taking that mattress?

Oh, I'm just moving into your office.
You know, 'cause you'll be dead tomorrow.

Oh, what do you mean
I'll be dead tomorrow?

You don't know about the Crawford curse?

Two hundred years ago, on this very day,

your ancestor Claudius Crawford
burned 100 witches at the stake.

But not before they cast
the Crawford curse.

At the age of 50,
every Crawford drops dead.

Hey, we do all die at 50.

I thought it was because
we push down the feels and we're all fat.

No. It's the Crawford curse.


Whoa! They all died
on the same date, and it's tomorrow!

Oh shit. I gotta reverse that curse!

Well, you could try talking
to the last living witch in town.

She can be found at the edge
of Paradise, in the Bewitched Caves.

I better get there quick. Thanks, Hopson.


Oh yeah.

The Macho Man took a look at the books,

and he is concerned
about the amount of money, yeah,

Lovely Corp has wasted.

I for one only spend money
on bare necessities.

Like this $300,000 levitating Levi-table.

It's just a regular table.

Ah. It looks like a regular table.

I had them add legs!
It looked weird without the legs.

Yeah. Macho Man was up
all night making slides,

and Mr. Lovely
isn't even paying attention.

He's got no pulse!

So at least that's normal.

Pardon me. I was on a conference call
in the ethereal plane.

I have learned
that before this day is done,

someone in my company will betray me.

I'll bet it's Gary!

What? What are you basing that on?

Yesterday, when we were pissing
next to each other,

you got all "nervous"
'cause I kept looking at your tallywacker.

What are you hiding, Gary?
Let's see that dick!

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Thester, Gina.

I want you to root out this mole
and bring him before me.

Mind if we get back to business?

Starting over. Oh yeah.

They say wrestling is fake,
but this guy is real



I've been given a seat
at the table, and I plan to use it.

Good thing wrestling is fake,

or that could have caused
a lot of brain dar...

Dar, dar, dar...

Is your name The Witch?


Ha ha! Melt, cunt!

Okay. I-I feel like we got off
on the wrong foot.

Anyway, I need a favor.

I need you to lift that Crawford curse.

- No.
- Please! I don't wanna die!

Just lift the curse! I'll do anything!

I will lift the curse

if you bring me
the single thing that I desire.

But it is the rarest of the rare.

Are you familiar with the movie...


Uh, yeah.

Well, legend has it
that a version of the movie exists

where all the cats have exposed butt holes!

It must be mine.

You want the Butt Cut of Cats. All right.

I thought it was gonna be
something weird and random.

Don't worry, lady. I won't let you down.

Ha ha! Melt, cunt!

Well, nice meetin' ya.

Bullet, welcome to your new job.

Animal testing experimental drugs.

You'll take a series of different drugs
over the next two weeks

to check for side effects.

Two weeks? Pfft. Just do them all today.

You can handle 14 drugs in one day?

I got 14 drugs up my ass right now, buddy.

You know,
that's my favorite Miley Cyrus song.

Let's get started.

This pill clears up dandruff.

Rate the side effect severity
on a scale of one to ten.

I'ma say two.

Wow! My restless legs have cleared up.

I'll give that a check mark.

This one? This one didn't do anything.

I've got a bit of dry mouth.

All right, enough dicking around.
Where's the good shit?

We do have one more drug,
but it's never been tested before, and...

Yeah, whatever.
I'll call you if anything happens.

I gotta go score some drugs.

Hey! Can we stop for boba?

♪ I'm in the mood for boba ♪

Time to get some dirt on Charles Lovely.

No results?

All right. Let's try Chuck Lovely.

Oh my God. This guy's a monster!

Hey, Kevin. You typed "Chuck Lorre."

It's a text from a blocked number.

"I just heard through your phone
that you want dirt on Charles Lovely."

"Meet me on the roof
of Lovely Corp at midnight."


I guess privacy is overrated.

Maybe they were too hard on Zuckerberg
at the congressional hearings.

Mr. Zuckerberg,

how do you respond to the accusations
that your website spreads disinformation

and is actively destroying our democracy?

Higher hair, please.

I see.

Well, I for one

am satisfied with that answer.

Good morning, mi broz-a-mundos.

These are getting hard to come up with.

Where's Bullet?

I think he's still sleeping.

Bullet! Get your drug-filled ass out here.

Cold in here.

It's a leprechaun! Kill that motherfucker!

Ha ha! Melt, cunt!

Hey, man! What's your problem?

Bullet? Is that you?

Holy shit! That pill turned me human!
This is awesome!

What's awesome about it?
You're a creepy little man.

You look like the voice
of Comedy Central or some shit.

Hey. Cut it out with that shit.

At least I'll finally get some respect
around here now.

Nope. You're out of the Bro zone.

We need a party dog, not a guy
that looks like he believes in ghosts.

Fine. I'll leave right after breakfast.

You can't do that!

Why not? I can finally see my veins.

Nobody wants to see
a scumbag munchkin do heroin.

Yeah, we like to see a cute dog do heroin.

Sometimes you'd have
a adorable little seizure

with little puppy foam
coming out of your mouth.

Get outta here! Go bake cookies
in a tree or something, you fucking elf.

Yeah! And you better not come back.

Without them fucking cookies.

Huh. I feel like there was something
I was supposed to do today.

Remember? You're supposed
to get the Butt Cut of Cats,

or you gonna die in seven hours!

Oh! Shit, right!
H-How do I keep getting distracted?

There's gotta be answers online.

Google! Uh, what was I looking up again?

Oh yeah. "How much does Joe Pesci weigh?"

Randall, focus.

I can help you find that Butt Cut.

I happen to have Hollywood connections.

Shut up, Dusty.
I'm looking up something important.

"Do ladybugs have clits?"

Nope. They do not. Okay.

"Do tarantulas have clits?"

Chief, come on! You're gonna die!

I need to know!
I need to know if tarantulas have clits!

Are you the mole?


Are you the mole?

Okay, okay. I'll admit it.

I'm a small subterranean mammal.

I dug up your garden,
and I'll do it again!

Shit. I think I hit him too hard.

Ugh. This is going nowhere.

Tell me about it.
I didn't find a thing in the men's room.

But don't worry.

I'll have the low-level employees
spilling their guts in no time.

I'm gonna go undercover
as one of them and earn their trust.

I just need to look the part
of the modern working man.

'Ello, guvnahs. I'm Nigel Steamwhistle.

I work here at Lovely Corp,
and I'm a poor, just like you.

I make 100 grand a year.

♪ It's hard to be poor
In this day and age ♪

♪ Half a tuppence every fortnight
Hardly a living wage ♪

♪ We can't afford our bangers
And we can't afford our mash ♪

♪ The only thing we get to eat's
A belly full of ash ♪

♪ Why? ♪

♪ 'Cause we're all chimney sweeps ♪

♪ We're all chimney sweeps ♪

♪ It's correct to assume
That we clean chimneys with a broom ♪

♪ We're all chimney sweeps
Yeah! We're all chimney sweeps ♪

Do you think we're chimney sweeps?



Where do you think
you are, buddy?

Chimney sweeps are on the third floor.

♪ We're all chimney sweeps! ♪

Dusty! Good to see you,
you old fat person, you.

Did you know
this guy lost Disney $14 million

on a mindless, idiotic reboot?


I know, right?

Best damn TV exec Disney ever had.

Lucky for me,
I just landed this job at NBC Streaming

after I got fired from the Mouse

for accidentally saying the word "gay"
in Florida. Whoops.

Listen, we gotta tell you
about a witch's curse

that can only be broken
by Cats with exposed butt holes.

I'll buy it. Can Zendaya play the witch?

We're not pitching a show, asshole!

This is life or death!
We need the Butt Cut of Cats!

The Butt Cut of Cats?

That's an urban legend.
It doesn't exist.

Now excuse me. We're relaunching Peacock
because nobody noticed the first time.

Three, two, one...

We're live!

And we folded.

Why, yes. I am available to fail upwards.

Head of Warner Brothers? Sounds great.

Since I no longer work here,
I'll shoot you straight.

The Butt Cut does exist,
but to find it, you'll have to see...

Find the fat, annoying one.

James Corden?!

Well, I'm off to my job
as head of Warner Brothers.

Hey, you forgot your brain.

I won't be needing that.

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

I do this every day.
Don't worry. Calm down.

I'm gonna eat it.

Get him, boy. Sic him.

Phil! No, no! It's me! It's Bullet!
I sniffed your ass yesterday!

That'll be ten bucks.

Well, I don't have ten bucks.

But I do have these.

This leprechaun refused to pay,
and he tried to give me a blow job.

What? I didn't try to give you a blow job!

Yes, you did.

You gave me those blow-job eyes.
I've seen them before.

Hey, Hopson. Meet me in the alley in five.

Yeah! They never let me
in this porno theater when I was a dog.

Ooh, this is getting hot.

Aw, what the hell?
I can't even lick my own crank!

No, Hopson. No!

Hello! I'm James Corden!

Please love me.

I'll sing! I'll dance!

You can even put cigarettes out on me,
as long as you love me!

Anyway, tonight's guests
are Chris Hemsworth

and Liam Hemsworth.

How are you guys doing?

I'm just over here being the hot one.

No, the hot one is me!

Bro fight!

Who wants to see us make out?

No! No!

So, what are you two here promoting?

I got a new, uh... Thor movie.

And I've got herpes from Hannah Montana.

Enough of this shit!

Corden, tell me
where the Butt Cut is, or I'll kill ya!

You think I fear death?

If I die, I won't have
to be James Corden anymore.

Maybe I'll come back as a tampon.
Something someone needs!

Fine. How's about this?

You tell me where it is,

and I'll give you a hug
and tell you you're a good singer.

D-Daddy needs it! Daddy must have it!
Piggie wanna suckle!

Okay, the Butt Cut is hidden.
It's in Peru.

Where in Peru? Is there a map?

Yes. But they hid it in the one place
no one would dare to look.

It's there.

Put it away! Put it away!

Well, if you wanna find the Butt Cut,
you'll have to take me with you.

♪ Someone finally loves me! ♪

♪ Carpooling with my new friends! ♪

♪ We're all on an adventure! ♪

♪ And we'll be best friends to the en... ♪

Even this map
feels like it's trying too hard.

I can't believe that being a human
is even worse than being a dog.

Being a human is great.

I'll teach you all the cool stuff
about being a human.

Humans get to spend
a lot of time here at the gym.

Because when a human gets fat,

people hate you
and think you're disgusting.

Humans get to do this thing called taxes.

It's a fun game
we play with the government.

They know how much you owe them,
but they want you to guess.

What do you get if you guess right?

You get to give them
a third of your salary.

And if you guess wrong?

They put your human ass in prison.

All humans have a little friend
inside of them. It's called guilt.

That little friend will have you attending
a lot of shitty one-act plays,

escape rooms,

and weddings for people you can't stand.

And after spending half your paycheck

flying to Des Moines
and buying an expensive gift,

you still get asked...

Why aren't you dancing?

Humans get to spend a lot of time
acting like they're reading a cereal box,

but they're really thinking
about the sweet release of death.

Fitz, you... you feeling okay?

Oh, that's right.

Humans are supposed to feel!

But be careful. If you don't feel enough,
they'll send you to a special school.

If you feel too much,
they'll lock you up forever... a padded room.

And with that,
I think I'm gonna go to the lab

and try to get an antidote
to turn me back into a dog.

You sure? I was about to show you
how humans get to watch James Corden.

Look. Somebody cut his tits off.

That's a fun new bit.

We went up the treasure trail,
took a left at the hairy cancer mole,

crossed the hive-covered bitch tit,
across the river of dried gravy.

We almost up to the nipple temple.

We need to be careful.

These places are usually rigged
with booby traps. So don't touch anything!

Wonder what this does.

No! Dusty, don't!

Maybe it goes this way.


I'ma pull it again. 'Cause I'm bad.

Quit messing around!
I'm trying to save your damn life!

Leave this to me.

Huh? Since when do you carry a whip?

Whip? That's Fruit by the Foot.


Why'd you pull me off Google before
I could find out if they have clits?

What the hell good would that do?

I could pleasure them all orally,
and they'd be so relaxed

that we could crawl outta here.

Screw it. I'm just gonna do it anyway.

I think one of them liked it.

You're not getting that movie!

It's Rebel Wilson! Run for your life!

We ain't gonna make it!

Oh, the hell we're not.

No! Oh, my poor horse is getting crushed!

Oh God, it's terrible!
There's horse guts everywhere!

Oh. That's better.

What the hell?

Hey, Doc.


Melt, cunt!

It's me, Bullet!

Listen, that pill you gave me
had a pretty big side effect.

It turned me human!
I need an antidote to switch back.

Oh, Bullet. That's no side effect.

The drug did exactly
what it was supposed to do.

Rid the world of dogs
by turning them all human!

That sounds like a plan
that a cat would come up with.

Wait a second.

Is that your saucer of milk?

You got me.

I tested that drug on myself first.

When all you dogs are living out
your miserable human lives,

I'll safely turn myself
back into a cat with this!

Once there are no more barking assholes
to chase me into the street.

Well, this is dumb.
But I'll bet it's about to get dumber.

The war between cats and dogs
has been going on since the dawn of time.


But it was a clean fight
until the dogs did the unthinkable!

Oh, did they now?

Something that would turn
every creature on earth against our kind.

They made the movie Cats!

Looking for this?

Yeah, but it's been a long day.
So please don't bother explaining...

When we produced this film...

Fuck me.

...we thought the butt holes
would be more embarrassing for the cats.

But it actually made the movie better!

So we hid it away. Here.

Ha! I'll be taking that.

Not so fast, Randall.

I'll be taking that.

I'm working for the cats.

What cats?

Not so fast.

I'll be taking that.

What the hell are you doing here?

And why does a witch need a gun?

Looks like we all gonna die today.

Or we could just release the movie
so everyone gets to enjoy it.

Well, that works for me.

I made up the curse 'cause I wanted
to see Ian McKellen's asshole. Again.

Hopson! I'm gonna kill you!

What the...

Fuck! I killed another horse!

Excellent, Dusty.
You retrieved the Butt Cut.

Now people finally
will be able to enjoy that movie!

What a great victory for cats everywhere!

♪ That dude was weird! ♪

Who are you?

Let's just say
I'm definitely not the skeleton

of the "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Oh yeah.

I've been looking
into Lovely Corp's finances

and discovered something very disturbing.

It's all here.

Charles Lovely is planning something
called "The Eternal Reckoning." Oh yeah.

What's "The Eternal Reckoning Oh Yeah"?

No. It's not "The Eternal Reckoning
Oh Yeah." Oh yeah.

It's just "The Eternal Reckoning."
Oh yeah!

That's what I said.

It's a verbal tic. Oh yeah.

Moving on. Oh yeah.

Not sure what it is, but I know
it has something to do with this.

Kevin AFKAK knows too much.
He must be dealt with.

And who is our mole?

I could recognize that voice anywhere.

It's definitely...

Gary! Get him!

It wasn't me! I swear!

I know what Charles Lovely is planning.

We do too.
He's planning to buy the whole town!

Actually, I just did,

and you will want to hear
my first act as new owner.

Kevin AFKAK,
you are banished from Paradise

and may never return.

What?! You can't do that!

Uh, this sounds like a whole thing,

so, if you'll excuse me,
I got a premiere to go to.

I don't know what it is
about those exposed butt holes,

but they turn this stupid, dog-shit film
into a goddamn masterpiece!