Paradise PD (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - King of the Norf - full transcript

So, what exactly is the resistance?

The resistance is a team.

I for one love being part of the team.

Shut the fuck up, Norf!
You're not on the team, Norf!

I hired you on Taskrabbit to wear me,

not to speak or think
or tell us stories about your pet lizards.

Actually, they're crested geckos
named Sam and Diane, and they...

Nobody gives a fuck, Norf!

I kinda wanted
to hear the lizard story, baby.

I bet they end up together.

Love always win.

Shut up! I'm the boss,
you idiots! I'm in total control!

Oh, uh, Norf, scratch my nose, please?

Oh, that's the stuff.

Now, take three dramatic steps
as I use my intense voice.

We are the resistance.

Our mission
is to ding-dang destroy Lovely Corp

to satisfy all
of our own personal vendettas.

They put Jerry
and my donut shop out of business!

They raised me from the dead, yeah,

and then forced me to learn PowerPoint.

Lovely Corp degrades and abuses
people so much that I'm losing work.

It's been weeks since anybody paid me
to turn their stink hole into a sinkhole.

I'm just here to meet Abe Lincoln.

Somebody better fix that gas leak. Anyway.

I want revenge on Lovely Corp

because they irresponsibly developed
the technology that transformed me into...

This again.

Nobody wants to know how I became pants?!

I'd rather hear the lizard story, baby.

Shut up, Norf!

I didn't say anything.

You smiled. Cut that shit out.

AFKAK, the Macho Man
took the liberty of compiling

a meticulously researched dossier
on Charles Lovely.

Yeah, the Macho Man
added unicorn stickers, uh-huh.

Yeah, they help me
forget the constant pain

due to my hellish state of existence.

Oh yeah!

And I've devised a plan
to shut down Lovely Corp once and for all.

We're writing a bunch of negative
online reviews of Lovely Corp products!

One star. Take that.

- Uh, you just gave them five stars.
- Shit!

Not me, kemosabe.
Camaro Bob don't do digital.

Even the dick pics
I send are analog, baby.

We have a window?

I'm not sure scathing reviews
is the best way to take down Lovely Corp.

You don't like my plan?

Punch him in the face, Norf.

Psych! You're not on the team.
Put your goddamn hand down.

I've got it. What if we kidnap Thester?
He's Lovely's number two.

Which means he must know
all the company's secrets and weaknesses.

Wow. Now, that's a good plan.

I had that exact same idea last week.

I don't pay you to have ideas!
I pay you to do what I say!

I'm the King of the Norf,
and you're just a White Walker.

Now, let's get to work, people.

Why am I suddenly covered in bird shit?

Sorry, baby.
This group text won't go through.

Fitz, this is foosball.

This guy's your goalie.

His name is Pedro, he's a Scorpio,
he likes his carne a sad a medium-rare,

and he was raised in Ohio.

That explains his fentanyl habit.

You sure I need to know all this
to play foosball?

Fitz, you take this seriously,
or you get the fuck outta here!

Why, God?

Why? Oh, I'm in so much pain!

Christ, Dusty.

I miss the Shamrock Shake too,
but life goes on.

Does it, Randall?

I just found out my dear mama...

Did you tell him
about Pedro's fentanyl habit?

- Dusty! Focus!
- Oh right.

She died!

She died! I'm so sad! Why?

Now, I need to get her blessed corpse
down at the funeral home by five o'clock.

Problem is...
...I can't move her by my little ol' self.

We'd love to help,
but unfortunately, we're, uh... b-busy.

Yeah. That's it.
We... we're busy, uh, making up, uh...

An excuse.

Yeah, we... we're making up an excuse
so that we'd, uh...

Uh, don't have to help you...

Move your...

Fat dead mom.

Fat dead mom, right.

Rule 571 of the Bro zone is, and I quote,

"Always help a fellow bro
move a dead body."

Rule 571 only applies to hookers.

Well, the joke's on you!
'Cause my mama fucked for money plenty!

Her clients said
half the fun was hunting for her teetee.

Yeah, that was half the fun!

I mean, uh, that's what I heard.

Shh. Be very, very quiet.

I'm hunting dick pics.

Look at this schedule.

Cutting the ribbon at the Natural
History Museum dinosaur exhibit.

Going on Anderson Cooper to talk
about Paradise's remarkable turnaround.

Delivering the eulogy
at the funeral of the governor's son!

Now, to ensure your reelection,
it's vital that this day go perfectly.

I can take a hint.

I'm taking my anti-crazy-bitch pills.

Whoa! Karen, don't take that!

I think our identical pill cases
got hilariously mixed up.

Impossible. I'm an ultra-successful mayor.

You're a dog.
How would that have happened?

Uh, maybe when the ultra-successful mayor
came over last night to the dog's house,

piss drunk
with a Costco-size jar of Skippy?

Are you sure?

You really put
your illegal drugs in a pill case?

Oh yeah. I'm what you might call
a type A drug addict.

Oh, man. You just took my Monday Molly.
You're gonna be rolling balls soon.

And to reveal the crown jewel
of the Lovely dinosaur collection,

uh, please welcome Mayor Karen Crawford.

What up, fam? Who got that good dick?!

Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump!

Can I kiss you?

I'm the mama! I'm the mama!

Oh! Yes!

Uh, uh, she's, uh,
fucking the dinosaur, huh.

Don't worry, Mr. Lovely.
I'm perfectly safe.

Remember how Saddam Hussein
had all his bodyguards get plastic surgery

to look just like Saddam Hussein?

Let's just say I borrowed that idea.

Eat pants, motherfucker!

Ever think it's weird that we got
massive amounts of plastic surgery

to look like Saddam Hussein to protect
someone who ain't Saddam Hussein?

It's a living, Robby.

Oh no!

Do not help, Norf! You're not on the team!


You fucked up.

I think my spine is snapping!

Hey, Dusty.
You gonna fucking help?

I would, but I'm too sad.

It's just like moving a couch.
Twist her clockwise.

Like this?

No! You know
how goddamn clocks work, right?

I never learned! I'm just gonna push!

No! No...
You mashed my fingers!

Don't y'all scratch her now.
I want an open casket.

My hands are numb! I'm pushing!

No, no, no!

- Oh, I found her teetee.
- I found her teetee.

How dare you ruin my original stitching!

Norf, get in position!

Listen up, you bouncing bag
of bing-bong British bullshit.

We can do this the easy way, or...

Not the easy way! No!
I'll tell you everything!

I never told anyone this, but...

...I secretly star
in a CBS drama about a cop

who works undercover at a deli.

Cole's Law.
Where the cases are colder than the cuts.

Tell us about Lovely Corp!

How can we bring it down once and for all?

You can't! It's impossible!

Lovely Corp is completely indestructible!

We're fucked, baby.

With the exception
of one load-bearing support beam

which, for some implausible reason,

supports the entire weight
of the building.

We're not fucked, baby.

But you won't be able to get to it.

The building is patrolled 24-7
by machine-gun-toting security guards.

Fucked, baby.

With the exception of Sunday

when everyone, including the guards,
are going to Charles' and Gina's wedding,

and the building will be left
completely unattended.

All you'd have to do
is open one unlocked door

and gently push on the support beam.

Lovely Corp would literally
come tumbling down.

Good thing I studied art restoration.

Gina's marrying
Charles Lovely this Sunday?

W-We... we need to stop the wedding!

Uh, shouldn't we take advantage
of everyone being at the wedding

and sneak into Lovely Corp
and take it down once and for all?

Shut your fucking mouth, Norf!

Uh, shouldn't we take advantage
of everyone being at the wedding

to sneak into Lovely Corp
and take it down once and for all?

You're right, Agent Clappers.

I was being selfish.
That's the perfect plan.

So! You're the star of Cole's Law!

I didn't realize
you were that Thester Car bomb IV.

Just between us,

I am also secretly the star
of a deli-based CBS drama, heh.

He's a hard-nosed reporter
undercover at a deli.

Matzo Ball Scoop! This fall on CBS.

Raise your hand if you're secretly
starring in a deli-based CBS drama.

Whoo-hoo! I wanna blow
some college Republicans!

Dole-Kemp forever!

Bullet! She is supposed to be
on Anderson Cooper in ten minutes!

You've got to fix this!

Relax. I got just the thing
to level her off.

My next guest is here
to talk about how she's fighting

against drug abuse in her town.

I'm now joined
by Mayor Karen Craw...

So... Wow.

Uh, tell us
about Paradise's new civic model.

I am the one true devil,
the dark master of the demon phallus!

Mayor, you seem to be a little distracted.

By your own fingers.

Which you now seem to be eating.

Oh God, no.

Whorey host manos,
you shall enslave me no longer!

Uh, to continue
our Women in Politics segment,

my next guest, Nancy Pelosi.

Oh, that's skunky.

Now, don't move, Dusty.
You're the counterweight.


Shamrock Shake!

It's October.

Not in Ireland, dumb-ass!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Almost there!

And now it's worse.

Uh, see? See? I told you,
I, uh, know a lot about dinosaurs, uh.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, see, that...
now, that's the chaos theory.

Run, kids! Run!

Ha! Got my Shamrock Shake!

They'll make you one
if you point a gun at 'em.

Where's Mama?

Thanks to these babies,
this house ain't the only thing that's up.

I wanna go home!

Gah, shut up!

Why would Gina marry this wacko?

"Another beautiful woman
falls for Charles Lovely."

Excuse me, Baby Kevin.
Let the grown-ups handle this.


Be... boo... ootiful...

"wa... waoman..."

Here's another one.
And another one.

Oh my God. They're all dead!

Christ! This guy's caused
more irreparable harm to women

than Andy Cohen!

You think he killed all his wives?

And look at this.

What do all these women have in common?


Good eye, bud. You see anything else?

- Beavers?
- They all look like Gina!

And they're all wearing the exact
same locket she's wearing right now.

Lovely must use that
to control their minds.

How else could that freakwad
score such grade-A ass?

Oh no. What should I do?

You gotta save her, bro.

Before your little girlfriend
winds up dead like all the rest.

You're right. Thanks for the favor,
little brother. How could I repay you?

Hide me from Mom! Quick! She's coming!

Baby Kevin? Where are you?

It's time
for your bedtime story!

Whoa. When did Mom turn into Ellen?

Look what you did! She is almost
as bad as Marjorie Taylor Greene!

Fucking lightweight.

I actually have the perfect thing
to bring her down. Bath salts.

Bath salts that I was going to suggest
she dissolve in a nice, warm tub,

but, uh, happy to see how this goes.

Why? What happens when you eat bath salts?

And now to say a few words
honoring my boy,

the mayor of Paradise, Karen Craw...

♪ If it had not been for Cotton-Eyed Joe
I'd have been married a long time ago ♪

♪ Where'd you come from? Where'd you go? ♪

♪ Where'd you come from
Cotton-Eyed Joe? ♪

Two, three...

See? That's what happens
when you eat bath salts.

That was the most beautiful eulogy
anyone has ever given.

How did you know that "Cotton-Eyed Joe"
was my son's favorite song,

or that his lifelong dream
was to have blood vomited on him

by a half-naked elected official?

Shoo! Well, all's well that ends...

Oh yeah. That's also what happens
when you eat bath salts.

Where'd they take Mama?

Scram, you turkeys.

A UFO landed here, and we've taken it
to our top secret hidden government lab

that no civilian can ever find out about.

Is that it?

Why, yes, it is. Damn it!

I'm sorry, Dusty,
we did everything we could.

But we can't sneak into a top secret
hidden government lab.

I hear you, Randall.

And I certainly respect your concerns,

Hold on a second.
Where do you think you're going?

Oh, we're, uh, just, uh, escorting
this alien into the, uh, alien place.

I'm an alien! I'm an alien!

Oh, come on. You expect me
to believe that this dipshit is an alien?

Whoa! What the hell
is the matter with you?

Did you not hear
that thing say it's an alien?

Yeah, but...

No buts. That's what aliens say.
"I'm an alien. I'm an alien."

It just seemed
a little suspicious, is all.

Strike two, Barry. Strike two.

Gentlemen, Mr. Alien,
sorry to waste your time.

Hey, Randall. I think I found her.

Dusty, let me out! Let me out!

Quit fucking around!

I'm an alien. I'm an alien.

Hoo. I needed this.

You know, it's the first time
I've had a chuckle since Mama died.

Speaking of...

There she is!

Giddyap, Fitz! If we leave now,
we can make it to the funeral in time.

What about Randall?!

Aw. Fine. Let him out, party pooper.

I'm an alien. I'm an alien.

Goop! This is gonna be good!

It's such a blessing
to be able to laugh again.

Almost there.
It's the next building on the right.

Just a little further.

Okay! You can squeeze her ass
right into that booth.

Booth? Wait a minute.

This ain't no funeral home!
It's Goopy fucking Goobers!

Okay. I maybe told
a teeny, tiny, little white lie.

Mama ain't dead. It's her birthday.

I just tranquilized her
with this here elephant dart

so I could get her to her surprise party.


Mama, wake your fat ass up!


Damn. She's dead as hell.

Okay, now I need you to help me
get Mama back to the house.

She always wanted
to be buried in the basement.

You gotta be kidding...

Thester was right. Not a guard in sight.

All we gotta do
is open this one unlocked door

and take out the implausibly
fragile load-bearing beam inside.

Then, Lovely Corp
will come tip-tap toppling down.

Wait. Where's AFKAK?

There's no time! It's now or never!
Somebody, open that unlocked door!

Hey, don't look at me.


I destroy everything I touch.

I'll do it.


Those door handles are pure silver
which the Macho Man can't touch

since he was brought back
from the dead using evil magic.

Oh yeah!

Well, what about Camaro Bob, or Hobo-Cop?

They went to buy beer for the after-party.

- Damn it!
- I could easily...

Shut up, Norf! We need AFKAK.
He's got functioning hands.

Come in, AFKAK. Where the fuck are you?

AFKAK, I repeat! Where are you?

Sorry, resistance,
but I gotta save Gina.

Confirm break-in at Lovely Corp.

All Saddams ordered to headquarters.

Stop the wedding!

Gina, you can't marry that man.

Higher hair!

Please! You are upsetting Mark Zuckerberg.

There. Now you're not
under his spell anymore.

What the hell is wrong with you?!

The only reason you were marrying him
is because you were brainwashed by this.

You're insane. You think
the only reason I'm marrying him

is because of some magical
brainwashing piece of jewelry?

Yes. Why else would you do it?

Because I love him!

Since I got back into town,

you have done nothing
but try to sabotage my relationship

with crazy conspiracy theories.

Honestly, with what we had,

I thought you'd at least respect me
enough to let me be happy.

Just go, Kevin.
I never wanna see you again.

Ooh. That's classic clone talk, baby.
Better check her clit again.

Guys, wait. It's a trap!

Norf, take these motherfuckers out using
anything from your waist to your ankles.

Okay. I-I've got really bad gout
in my knees, but h-here goes.

Take that!

Hey! That sumbitch
tried to knee me and missed!

Shoot him.

Norf? Norf!

No! You killed Norf!

He was my best friend!
And I loved him! I loved him dearly!

Damn you, AFKAK Crawford!
Damn you to hell!

My God. What have I done?

My life has been a limp piece of shit
since I shot my dad in the balls,

but this is a new low.

I betrayed my friends,
I lost the love of my life,

and worst of all, I killed Nerf.

Or was it Norf?

Goodbye, Paradise. Goodbye.