Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 9 - Temporary Monsanity - full transcript

All right, guys.

Let's really push this
Thanksgiving stuff. All right?

In a week,
it will all be on clearance.

Can I suggest
our signature

turkey-butt
gravy boat?

Yeah. It pours
out the backside.

Look.

I'm a Pilgrims and an Indian.

Burn the witch!

Sir?

I am confused.



Why is he fully
clothed for winter,

but she is dressed
for prostitution?

Because the Pilgrims hadn't taught them
to be ashamed of their bodies, yet.

They are an odd couple,
these Pilgrims and Indians.

Yeah. They kind of had
a complicated relationship.

It's quite
simple, really.

The Pilgrims came to a land
which was not their own

and subjugated the Indians so the
white man could run the call center.

I mean, the country.

All you've got to
remember is that

the Indians helped the
Pilgrims survive the winter.

So, that's why we have these
huge feasts and we give thanks.

So, if the Indians gave
the Pilgrims shelter,

what did the Pilgrims
give the Indians?



Less land to worry about?

Actually, they prefer to
be called Native Americans.

Why?

Well, they find the term
"Indian" derogatory.

All right, people.
Tomorrow is Black Friday.

You know what that is?

Martin Luther King Day?

No. Black Friday is
the day after Thanksgiving.

It's America's busiest
shopping day of the year.

And I don't think you guys realize
how intense it's going to be.

I want you to watch this.

Now, this is
a couple of years ago.

It's 5:00 a.m.

People have been standing in this
line for hours waiting for this sale.

You see how out of
control it can get?

Out of control? I go through worse
getting on my train in the morning.

But if you think that's horrible,
I might be late tomorrow.

No, people were seriously hurt.
It started a riot.

As riots go
this is rather tame.

I see no tear gas, no batons,
no one set on fire.

I could riot circles
around those people.

All right. So, you guys are
better at rioting than us.

But when it comes to shoppers
spending beyond their means,

we are still number one.

As long as
the Chinese let us.

But, Todd,
we just take calls.

We won't have to deal
with these mobs of yours.

Mobs.

Well, yeah, you will.

Come on.
The only difference is

they're going to
be on the phone.

Guys! Guys! Come on.

This is our Super Bowl.
All right?

So, come ready to play
or don't come at all.

No. No, you still have to come.
It's just, just an expression.

Sir, you forgot to mention
the incentive memo.

You went through my trash?

I had no choice.
You keep changing your email password.

I think we need
to be more aggressive.

This Black Friday
sales incentive

says the assistant manager could
win a new high definition TV.

Yeah, and I could win
a trip to Hawaii.

But it's never
going to happen.

Corporate dangles these
amazing incentives every year,

just to get us
to work harder.

But if we did
work hard enough...

No, you don't understand.

They set
the sales bar so high,

it's virtually
impossible to win.

False hope.
How cruel and manipulative.

Workers! If anyone
can break the sales record,

they will receive full health insurance
for themselves and their entire family.

Huh! They don't even
have that in the U.S.

Thank you for calling Mid
America Novelties. How can I help you?

Whoa!

Still getting
used to your hellos.

Just making sure that
we're still on for tonight.

Yeah, absolutely.

Good.

Mmm. You better watch out.

I'm going to be getting
you back tonight,

and payback is a bitch!

Hey, guys!

Crap, it's Charlie.

What, you still haven't
told him about us?

No, I don't want
to upset the guy.

He's a hard-core hunter.

He claims he killed a
moose and slept inside it.

Ew.
Said he would have slept in

until noon if it hadn't
been mating season.

Hey, Todd.
Hey.

Happy Turkey Day, Tonya.
Charlie.

Charlie.
Are you going camping for Thanksgiving?

Nah, this is survival gear.

You guys saw the
weather forecast, right?

Uh, yeah,
it's supposed to rain.

This ain't no little thunderstorm
rolling through the plains.

It's a monsoon.

Roads get flooded.
Power goes out.

I sleep here. I've got
an air mattress in my office.

Big enough for two.

I've got a fair idea of how
I'll be riding out this storm.

Did you see that?
She's playing hard to get.

It's not that hard.

I've had women try
to pull this on me before.

There's a gal in California
right now trying to rope me in.

She even went so far as to marry
another woman, and they adopted a kid.

Not buying it for a second.

Did you see that?
Thank you.

What's this?
Chinese checkers?

No, it is carom.

Looks stupid.

I got next.

Bam!
Oh!

Damn it.

Two out of three.

No.

Yeah.

Damn it.

Three out of five.

Oh!

Oh, no. Manmeet.

Now, you're going
to see some carom.

Gonna show you
how it's done.

Damn it.

All right. We're going
to play a real game.

An American game.
A man's game.

Gupta. Come on, man.
Breathe in. Go.

Stop it.

Tomorrow morning,
the battle is joined.

You get shot five times,
you're dead.

Why is yours so much
bigger than ours?

Why, indeed.

Todd, honey, it just
wouldn't be Thanksgiving

if we didn't
get to see you.

MR. DEMPSY: I can't see him.

Oh. Dad,
you've got to lean down.

Oh! Hey.
You're blurry.

I would say call tech support,
but you're in India.

Why don't you just go out on
the street and grab somebody?

I just hate to think
that it's Thanksgiving,

and my little
Todd is all alone.

Oh, don't worry, Mom.
Little Todd is not all alone.

Can I meet your mom?

Hey, little bro!
What's up, buddy?

"B-B-B". Big Brad news
coming your way.

I broke the company
sales record. Ho!

MR. DEMPSY: That's my boy.

And the prize is a ski
package at Breckenridge.

And I thought, what better gift to give
these two for their 30th anniversary?

I'm going to
give it to you guys.

Oh, my goodness. Breckenridge?
That's in Colorado.

It is, Mom. Yeah.

And why don't we just say it's
from me and you. Right, Todd?

Huh, buddy?
Well...

Actually, I already got you guys a gift.
It's pretty amazing.

Yeah? What did
you get them?

Well, I wasn't going to say
anything but I won a trip to Hawaii.

And it's all yours.

Hawaii?
We've never been.

Yeah. You know, I broke
my company sales record.

So, uh,
happy anniversary.

Oh.
Really?

You broke a sales record?

Yeah, Dad. Why are you always
surprised when I win something?

Here he goes.

Okay. Boys. Boys, we're
proud of the both of you.

Okay. He did something good.
We're trying...

Well, congrats, buddy

And I think it's best that you
give Mom and Dad the gift, anyway.

I mean, you're going to go
to Hawaii by yourself, huh?

Well, actually,
I'm dating someone.

Really? Is this like Mary
Snyder in the seventh grade?

The girl who didn't exist?

You just carried around a
little pink sweater and went,

"Oh, I think
she's in the bathroom."

I'm real, Brad.
But I could use a sweater.

Oh, my God.
You didn't have to do that.

But that was
pretty awesome.

You didn't tell me
you broke a sales record.

Guys, we have
a new sales goal.

We have one day
to hit this number.

One day?
That's impossible.

Mmm-mmm. Not if everyone
stays focused and up-sells.

Failure is not an option.

I think what Mr. Dempsy
is saying is that if you fail,

you will bring great
dishonor on yourselves.

I will build a wall of shame
and carve your likeness in it.

Decades from now, your children's
children will look upon your image

and cry hot tears
of embarrassment.

Way to inspire the troops.

I just said
what was in my heart.

Where the hell are
Gupta and Manmeet?

I feel like a street
cleaner from the future.

Yeah!

This shouldn't be too hard.

Our target is a giant,
sweaty white man in a flashing red vest.

Oh. Uh... "Two out of three.
Damn it.

"Three out of five.
Damn it.

"Eight out of six.
Numbers hurt my head."

I'm hit. Wait.

I may not be so good
with numbers.

Ahhh!

But I can count to five.
You're dead.

Save yourself, Gupta!

Run, Gupta, run!

Run, Gupta, run!

Manmeet,
where have you been?

Charlie challenged us
to laser tag.

Laser tag?

Why would you
even admit to that?

Get back to work now.

How ruthless, sir.
My compliments.

May I ask why the
sudden professionalism?

I just want to hit
our goal. You know?

And I think we can do it if we
eliminate breaks, personal calls,

and have everyone
work through lunch.

Are you allowed to bring
a guest with you to Hawaii?

Because I think I'm falling
in love with the new Todd.

What? No. No!
Come on! Not now.

Oh!

Sir?
Hmm? Who said that?

It's me, Madhuri.

We haven't had a break
all day, and we're hungry.

Can we go to
the canteen to get food?

No, I need everyone here for
when the power comes back on.

You know, if we don't
hit the ground running,

we're never going to
reach our sales goal.

Okay.

Who wrote "Todd sucks"?

I don't know who wrote it,
but I know we're all thinking it.

Todd, we're tired
and hungry.

And you're acting
like a total Rajiv.

Okay. You guys have to
stay here, but I'll get food.

Would Rajiv do that?

Oh!

God, Gupta,
do that at home.

I'm charging
my flashlight.

I don't care
what you call it.

This is a pantry.
There's food in there.

No. It's one of our
motion powered lights.

Why are you in here,
anyway?

I'm hiding from Charlie.

Give me that gun.

Oh. No, but I need my...

Come on.
Help me get some food for everybody.

Oh. Okay, but, uh...

Gupta. Did you eat
everything in here?

I'm being hunted.
It's very stressful.

Well, since you
ate all the food,

why don't you go to the canteen
and get some snacks for everybody?

But it's dangerous
in the dark.

Perhaps
if I had protection?

Say, a laser gun?

Just take your
jack-o-lantern.

Charlie?

If you're here, I'm getting
food for my co-workers.

And it's
a humanitarian mission.

Keep it together.

Ahhh!

Hi.

Just the wind.

Remember to breathe.

Oh. How can I
be hungry again?

Oh, no.

Come on.

Come on.

Why is it taking so long?

Hmm. So, they do it, too.

Come on!

Before you finish you,
I'm going to finish you.

Oh, no! No!

No! Charlie,
I do not have a gun!

Hey!
Huh? No!

No!

MRS. DEMPSY:
Happy Thanksgiving, honey.

Uh, hey. You, too, Mom.

This really isn't the
best time. I'm at work right now.

Oh, you're at work?

Well, I want to see your
office and meet everyone.

Okay. Okay.

Hello, Madam,
My name is Rajiv Gidwani.

Todd did not inform me
he had such a lovely sister.

Oh, I like him.

He's like a cappuccino
Tom Selleck.

Okay. Uh, now,
this is everybody else.

Hello.
Nice to meet you, Madam.

Hi, Mrs. Dempsy.

Oh! Aren't you pretty?

Todd, what about her?

Okay, Mom,
that about wraps her up.

Nice meeting all of you.

And I wish you
a happy Thanksgiving.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Or whatever
your holiday is.

Were there people in your
country before you got there?

I googled an image
of Mr. Tom Selleck.

And may I just say,
thank you.

It's rare to see another man
with a mustache on this level.

Oh. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, I almost forgot.

Todd? I saved you
a turkey leg.

And I'm going to
put it in the freezer.

For when you...
For when you come...

I don't know when
you're going to come home, honey.

Oh. Come on, Mom.

I'm going to double bag it.

Oh, God.

This nonsense
has gone on long enough.

Come back.
I'll get you a job.

I have a job.

It's quite a career.

Selling fake puke
and rubber chickens.

Hey, I manage an office,
and I have a team of workers

who take what we do
very seriously.

Oh. Hello!

Todd, it's time
to grow up.

Start a real life
like your brother.

I have
a real life. All right?

Maybe you'll take me
more seriously

when I win you
that trip to Hawaii.

I thought you said
you'd already won it.

Well, you know, I... There's a time
difference, I already won it here.

But back home, you guys are, like,
eight hours behind. So, it makes...

That's great, Todd.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Where the hell did we go
wrong with that one, Sharon?

Game over, Gupta.

Oh, no.

Now, the game is over.
You underestimated me.

People have been underestimating me
my whole life, and that is a mistake.

When I put my mind
to something,

there is nothing that can stop me.

Do you smell cookies?

I think I do.

That's cookies.

Here. Dry yourself off.

Oh. Thanks, man. I didn't
even know we had towels.

We don't. Those are the
world's largest granny panties.

I'm all right.
I just needed to get some fresh air.

Feel the rain on my face and the
dead rats bouncing into my shins.

Do we have any tetanus shots
in the first aid kit?

We do not have
a first aid kit.

If someone gets hurt,
it is cheaper to hire a new worker.

Monsoon season
is the worst. It is.

You know, last year, I got stuck at
work and missed my brother's graduation.

My parents were so angry.

It seems unfair that
they push me to work hard

and then, blame me
when I do. You know?

Sir? My parents
always thought

I could do nothing better
than work in a factory.

But, then, I got this job,

and now, I support
my entire family.

Sometimes,
parents are wrong.

When I was 8 years old, I shared
a chocolate bar with my dog, Kiki.

She ate it greedily
and died within seconds.

To this day,
I cannot help but to think

that I may have been at least
partly to blame for her demise.

What are you doing?

We're trying to
cheer Todd up.

Oh, I just thought
we were sharing.

You killed that dog, man.

Aw, guys, really.
I'm going to be okay.

Thank you.

Todd?

I just wanted to say
I know how you feel.

My parents are pressuring me
into getting married.

And I'm...

I don't know why I never tried some
of these Indian desserts before.

They're not bad.

Deep fried dough
is deep fried dough,

no matter what
country you're in.

Sorry I went overboard
and hunted you like a deer.

But you are brown
and eat mostly vegetables.

It's okay. Yeah,
it doesn't matter now.

Look at us. An Indian and a white
man breaking bread together.

This is just like
your Thanksgiving holiday.

Hmm. You're right.

I don't know if they ever told you
what happened right after Thanksgiving.

But it went
something like this.

Pilgrims two, Indians zero.

Deep fried dough.

So good.

Listen up, everybody.

So, there's only a couple
of minutes left in the day,

and it looks like we're going
to fall short of our sales goal.

But that's okay.
You know, we tried.

I would like to buy
ten farting Santas.

I wish to purchase 100 Federal
Bikini Inspector badges.

I will buy 200
Doodoo Darts.

Oh, guys.
I appreciate it,

but I can't have you spending
all your hard-earned money.

Oh, thank God.
That's a month's salary, man.

But what about the bonus
trip for your father?

Won't you be shamed?

I don't care
about that anymore.

You know, my dad was so convinced
that me coming here was a mistake,

that he almost
had me believing it.

You guys proved him wrong.

All right.
Have a good night, guys.

Sit back down.
You are not dismissed.

Oh, come on, Rajiv.
It's been a long day.

They've worked
their butts off.

Let's just call it a night.

No, they must maintain
their positions.

It's still a work day.
The power could return at any moment.

You see, sir?
No one is moving.

When I speak, people listen.
Because I am not their friend.

They respect me
and fear me.

That is true power.

Go, go, go!