Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 8 - Home for the Diwalidays - full transcript

Unaware of Diwali, the biggest and holiest holiday in India, Todd is caught off guard when his staffers automatically expect time off. After speaking with his U.S. supervisor Jerry, Todd must tell his employees they cannot leave to celebrate, making him unpopular among the workers. Meanwhile, Tonya tries to help Todd forget about his feelings for Asha.

Ah! Oh, wow, man.
That's so good.

Oh, man!

Look at you.
Why are you all dressed up?

I'm dressed up
for Diwali, man.

Oh, yeah, right.

You don't know what Diwali is,
do you? Todd, come on.

It's the biggest
holiday in India, man.

I know what it is.

I just think it's become a
little commercialized, you know?

It shouldn't be
about buying stuff.

It should be about celebrating
the birth of the Baby Diwali.

There is no Baby Diwali,
is there?

Uh... Laughing cow?

Crouching tiger?
Flying monkey.

Okay. There does happen
to be a flying monkey.

But I feel like that guess
came from a bad place.

So, what is Diwali?

It's the holiest day of the year.
It's a huge celebration.

Do I look like a tourist?

Do I have a fanny pack?

No. So, don't try
to rip me off

with your prices,
you sewage goblin.

Oh, Rajiv,
is everything okay?

Good morning, sir. I am in the process
of buying my Vimi a new sari for Diwali.

That's beautiful.


This, uh,
dish rag? This cage liner?

If the silk worm who gave
his life for this sari

could see what
you've done with it,

he'd spin a tiny noose
and hang himself.

is my final offer.

Oh, big spender.

Make it 6,000 and I will
throw in some extra fabric

for you to stuff your pants with,
you eunuch.

Madam, as anyone who has seen me in
clingy trunks can attest, I am no eunuch.

This negotiation is over.

I thought you were
going to get the sari.

Shh! Wait for the mouse
to find the cheese.

If they do not wish you dead
after the transaction,

you have left money
at the table.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I will accept your price,

even if it means my family
will go without food.

I love the holidays.

Wow! You guys
look amazing.

Oh, thank you, Todd.

This is a compliment machine.

This morning, I struck up a
conversation with a woman on the bus

and she told me
I was driving her insane.


Happy Diwali, sir.
I made you some barfi.

Oh. So, there's
barf-i in that box?

Yes, and it's still warm.

Oh. It... It's, like...
It's, like a cake thing. Wow.

Oh. Madhuri, I'm sorry.
I didn't get you anything.

I... I had no idea
what Diwali involves.

I mean, everyone's dressed up,
and there's gifts, and...

Oh, my God!

Higher! Higher!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rajiv,
stop that. Guys. Guys.

Take that down. Rajiv,
what is wrong with you?

This is
unbelievably offensive.

Sir, this is an ancient Hindu
symbol meant to bring good luck.

Really? Because historically,
I don't think it works.

Swastika is a Sanskrit word.
The Nazis stole it from us.

Okay. Well, fine.
I just don't want it above my desk.

Can't we just have, like, a four-leaf
clover or something like that?

Certainly, sir. Perhaps you
should jot down a list of things

from our ancient culture that
make you uncomfortable

so we can
change them instantly.

Ajeet, your name
is now Tyler.

No, I don't want
to change anything.

I just don't understand
this holiday.

Nice shirt, Tyler.

Guys. Guys. Can somebody tell me
what Diwali is really all about?

It's about the triumph
of good over evil.

And the beginning
of the new year.

And it marks
the end of the harvest.

And it commemorates Lord Rama's
glorious return after 14 years of exile.

And his defeat
of the demon king, Ravana.


So, it's, like, a combination of Christmas,
New Year's, 4th of July, and Star Wars.

Just think of it
like Christmas.

It's where families get together.
They exchange gifts.

That is why I bought my precious
Vimi this spectacular garment.

Compare it to
the clown costumes

some of the people
around here wear.

This is my finest sari.
I saved up to buy it.

Too bad you couldn't save up
to buy some good taste.

Vimi has been up my nose
to buy her a new sari.

She is going to be so pleased
with me this afternoon.

Whoa, whoa. This afternoon?
What? Are you leaving early?

We all are.

It's Diwali, Todd.

Oh, I... I got to clear this
with corporate before I,

before I can give you guys
a half-day off.

Half-day off?

But Diwali is five days.

I thought we had
the rest of the week off.

It's only Wednesday.
I can't just shut down the company.

Todd, please.
I have to catch a train.

I'm supposed to go
to Sunil's home tonight

to meet his family for the very
first time. It's a really big deal.

I'm sorry, Asha.
Look, guys, guys.

I feel really bad.
You know?

I can't just give everybody
all this time off.

Can't we just be happy that
the Demon King is dead?

Even the Demon King gives his
workers the holidays off.


Oh. Nothing.

Just saying that you're
worse than the Demon King.

Hey, Charlie.

Are you letting your workers
leave early today for Diwali?

You have to, man.
This is huge for them.

I love this time of year.

Booze, fireworks,
no laws against how you like to party.

It's like spring break
before MTV got a hold of it.

Check out this
little game-changer.


Happy Diwali, everybody!

Are you crazy?

Relax. I'm pretty sure
they're blanks.

Pretty sure?

Well, the box
was in Russian.

Hey, Todd.

Good news, man.
Asha is having a fight with Sunil.

When she said she couldn't make it
to his family's house for dinner

because you are being a slave driver,
her words, not mine.

Although I agree,
my words...

Sunil told her
to quit her job.

What did she say? Wait, wait.
No. I don't want to know.

That ship has sailed.
I'm just going to focus on work.

You know, I came to India
to sell Americans novelties

made in China,
and that's what I'm going to do.

That's the right idea, man.

My relationship with Tonya has
been a real distraction, too.

I didn't realize you had
a relationship with Tonya.

Ah, sure I do. I follow her to
the market, the gym, the movies...

We do all the things couples do,
just not together.

Here she comes.
You know what?

She likes to sit outside.

I'm going to get
the table next to her.

My scent is in the area.

Let the pheromones
do the talking.

Oh, here he is.
The Diwali virgin.

Ah. Well,
I'm only a virgin

because I want my Diwali
honeymoon to be special.

It's always nice to have
your deep spiritual beliefs

used as foreplay.

Hey, some friends of mine are
having a bit of a piss-up later on.

Do you fancy some beers?

Uh, well, I've got
to work tonight.

Otherwise, I would love
to come to your piss-up.

You're working on Diwali?

All right-y.
But if you change your mind,

give me a call.

Because you have no idea
what you're missing out on.

Happy Diwali, everyone!

Your Candy Cane
Condoms are on their way.

I am required
by law to tell you

only decorative, STD's,
blah, blah, blah.

You probably don't have to
work on Christmas, do you?

Of course not.
I get a whole week off for Christmas.

You are a lucky man.

Not only do you need condoms.

You actually have time
off to enjoy them.

Hey, what's that?

That noise?

That's happiness
outside of my window.

Hey, Jerry, it's Todd.

Uh... Uh...
Not a good time.

I'm undergoing a little
marital tune-up.

Do you see this?
This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Yeah, well, look,
I'm having a little problem here.

It's Diwali.

Just fire his ass.

No, it's not a worker.
It's a big holiday here for these guys.

It's like making people
work on Christmas Eve.

- Look at him.

He spends all his time
on the phone.

He doesn't even
look at me anymore.

He'd have sex with
that phone if he could.

Don't think
I haven't tried, Nancy.

Todd, Americans don't stop
buying novelties just because

it's a holiday in India.

Tell your crew
they've got to work.

Yeah, but Jerry, I don't...
I don't think you understand.

No, Todd. Your workers made
a commitment to this job.

And when you make a commitment,
you honor it.

Even if you have
a different opinion of

how a massage should end.

She was an undercover cop.

You made the papers.

All right.
You know what?

Uh, I'm going to make
an executive decision here.

You've decided
to cancel the sunrise?

I'm going to handle the calls myself.
All right?

Everyone can go.
Happy Diwali to all

and to all a good night.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Are you sure you can
handle this by yourself?

I'll be fine.

Happy Diwali.

Thank you, Todd.

Vimi will be so happy!

Ahhh! No! Vimi's sari!

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
He can't be closed.

my favorite employee.

Happy Diwali.

It is for the child
I just saved.

His shirt was ignited
by a firecracker,

and I smothered the flames
with Vimi's sari.

A true Diwali miracle.

And now,
all the shops are closed.

And, sadly,
Vimi cannot wear my courage.

If I give you my sari,
what am I going to wear home?

I will get you
a novelty t-shirt

of your choice
from storage.

I bet you would look lovely in
the "I'm with Hottie" shirt.

You see,
the arrow points at you.


Under the circumstances, it would
be an honor to give you my sari.

Thank you.
For the mere price of Rs10,000.

What? Are you
out of your mind,

you small-voiced

I regret to inform you
the price is now 11,000.

Madhuri, you... you...

I can see this
negotiation is over.

I'm going to go and get a chai,
and then catch my bus.

Come on, mousie.
Come to the cheese.

Thank you for calling Mid America
Novelties. How can I help you?

Thank you for calling...

What do I have to say
to get you into a pair of

the world's largest
granny panties?

I'm really sorry,
but that item is on backorder.

Sorry for making you hold.
What can I help you with?

No, but I can offer you
rush shipping on that.

I'm sorry, but the yodeling
pickles are on back order.

Did I already speak to you? If so,
I'm sorry. If not, how can I help you?

No. No. No.
The poo-shaped soap is...

Look, buddy.
You can keep saying "agent," but...

That card has also
been declined.

Look, it's none
of my business,

but maybe you don't
need this stuff.

Thank you for your order. Your item will
be there in five to seven business days.

Hey, where am I
calling, anyway?

we're in India.

Well, I've got to say, your American
accent is right on the money.

You are too kind, sir.

I am most happy
to be pleasing you.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come by and see
if I could change your mind.

No, I've got to stay here.
I sent everybody home.

I've been taking
all the calls myself.

Why don't you just put the
call center on voice mail?

I wish I could,
but my boss...

Is thousands of miles away.

Todd, you're in India, and this is
the biggest holiday of the year.

Fine. Rs.11,000.
Now, give me your sari.

Am I getting
a whiff of 12,000?

How dare you?

The sari is now 13,000.

Oh, I get it. Every time I do not
meet your offer, you go up Rs.1000?

The next thing I know,
I'm offering Rs.20,000.


- 19?
- 21.

Okay, okay. 21.

Just so you know,
I would have paid 25 for it.

Just so you know,
I got it for three.

This is amazing.

Aren't you glad I got you
out of the office?

I've got to be honest.

This is the best time I've
had since I've been in India.

Well, maybe you've just had the
wrong person showing you around.


Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

Have you got a franger?

More like a half franger,
but I'm getting there.

No, no, no. A condom.

I don't think I do.

Oh, wait. I think I have some
novelty condoms in the closet.


Uh, measuring stick,
or glow in the dark?

Yeah. Yeah,
glow in the dark.

Come here.


What are you doing here?

I canceled dinner with Sunil
so I could help you.

But, I see you have
all the help you need.

Hey, Todd! Todd, Todd, Todd,
I have good news.

Asha didn't go to
dinner at Sunil's.

You're still in
the game, man.

I don't think so.

Why not?

I kind of hooked up
with Tonya over Diwali.

The Australian?
Dirty dog. Okay.

Tell me everything.
From the beginning.

A gentleman doesn't
kiss and tell.

Then, skip the kissing and
tell me about the good stuff.

No, Manmeet.
Okay, okay, okay.

I'll get you started.
The night was blank with blank.

And I was surprised to find
her blank was already blank.

Oh, Todd.
Please fill in my blanks.

Please, God. Give me
an Australian of my own.

...and it was so fun.
Yes, I was all alone,

but it was still
a great Diwali.


How was your Diwali?

Not as good as yours.

Hey. Hey.
I am really sorry about that.

You know, we were drinking,
and we couldn't find a cab.

You don't have to explain.

I understand your culture
has different values.

What's that
supposed to mean?

We don't just jump into bed with anyone.

I mean, you barely
even know her.

Yeah? And what about
your values?

You're about to marry some
guy you've never even met.

Yeah, I'm making
a life-Iong commitment.

You're just contaminating
the break room table.



Hey, how was your Diwali?

It was a great night!
I've never blown up so much crap!

Charlie, you're screaming.

Yeah! It was like a dream!

I bought a huge crate
of fireworks!

But I think I got
a hernia lifting it!

Just between us, I've got a
little swelling in the janglers!

Charlie. Shh!

There's Tonya.
Put in a good word for me.

But play it cool.

I'm going to go
ice down my nads!

Hey, Tonya.

Hey, Dempsy.

That was a lot fun
the other night.

Yeah, that was the best
break room sex I ever had.

Well, maybe we should
do it again

to give you something
to compare it to.

I just don't want
Charlie to see us.

You know, he's had a thing
for you for a long time.

I don't want to be
with Charlie.

I want to be with you.

Okay, Charlie's gone now.

Oh, I see. You've still
got feelings for Asha.

No. No, no. I just...

No, I get it.

No. Tonya...
No worries.

I don't see it as a problem.
I see it as a challenge.

Oh, wow.

See how much fun
you can have

when you don't
think about Asha?

I wasn't thinking
about Asha.

Not convinced.

And that was the best storage
closet sex I've ever had.

That was... You are...


Still thinking about Asha?


Okay, goodnight.

Hey, Rajiv. What are
you doing in there?

Sir, I regret to inform you
that we have ourselves a thief.

This scoundrel has stolen
two packages of

the glow-in-the-dark

I wouldn't make
a big deal out of it.

I mean, I think if anything,
this thief should be applauded

for his sense of humor
and commitment to safer sex.

We cannot take
this lightly.

Any theft in the office
must be punished.

Yeah, but there's
nothing we can do.

I mean, we don't know
who did it, right?

We will.

When we review the footage
from the security cameras.

Security cameras?
We have those?


I had them installed
after my count of

the sugar packets
did not add up.

You know what?
I think I'm going

to take care
of this myself.

I'll go look
at the footage.

Of course, sir.

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh! Hello, Todd.

Hello, Todd.



If you are watching this,

then you know your shameful break
room shenanigans have been discovered.

I wish I could see
the look on your face.

Wish granted.

Rajiv, you've got
nothing on me.

Tonya doesn't work for us,
so corporate won't care,

and I can pay
for the condoms.

I want $20,000 in unmarked
bills and your resignation.

And you realize now that I have
you on tape trying to blackmail me.

Should we just call it even?

You will also give me
your brown shoes that I like.

You know,
the ones with the tassels.

You cannot get those here.
I do not know why.

It goes on like this
for a while.

You shall also send
a company-wide email

declaring that I,
Rajiv, defeated you.

However you choose
to word it is up to you.

But the subject line should be,
"Todd defeated by Rajiv".

Perhaps as an attachment,

include a picture where I am very
large and you are very small.

You can use Photoshop.
Send me a copy of the email.

No, BCC me. No, CC me.

I can still hear you.

Uh, no.
Send me a copy, Shh.

No, don't send me
a copy at all.

What you watching?

I'm reviewing some footage
on the security camera.

You really have
to see this.

Is this footage
from today?

Yes, very recent.
This is my favorite part coming up.

Hey, Gupta.

Ooh, muffins.
Those look good.


Rajiv, why didn't
you say anything?

What would I have said?
Gupta licked your muffin?

I guess
I could have said that.