Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 10 - Homesick to My Stomach - full transcript

Todd's feeling homesick for all things American until he learns he will be able to watch his favorite football team, the Kansas City Chiefs, play on television. Unfortunately, he gets side lined with a bad bout of food poisoning after eating street food but he refuses to miss the game, regardless of how sick he is. With Todd out of commission, Rajiv gets his shot at being manager and takes his responsibility to the extreme.

Hey, everybody.
I have a surprise.

I had these
shipped in from home.

It's a spread of
Kansas City barbecue.

That food came
all the way from America?

Yeah, they ship it in dry ice.
Well, It got stuck in customs for a couple of hours,

but I think it's
going to be all right.

It's not as cold as
I thought it would be.

Oh, God. No. No, no.
Please let the food be okay.

I need my ribs.

Oh! No!

Okay. Put the lid on.
They fly.

Worst fear!
Worst fear! Worst fear!

It's on my back!

Kill it! Kill it!

Okay. Okay, okay.
I think it is dead.

It's on the move!

We're finally doing it!
Get him!

Please let me go.

I'm sorry, sir. I locked the
door when the work day began.

Nine minutes ago.

My rickshaw got caught in
this massive traffic jam.

I understand.

It must have been traumatic to
be stuck behind all those people

who were going to
be on time for work.

Something bothering you?
You're extra Rajivy this morning.

Well, if you put
a gun to my head,

I would have to say this office
is spinning out of control.

I'm not really seeing
what you're seeing.

Because of your
relaxed management style,

the workers have become emboldened.

Their desks are littered
with personal items.

Rajiv, I don't care if they
want to personalize their desks.

Happy workers
are good workers.

The people who built
the pyramids weren't happy

and that worked out
quite well.

Rajiv, you have to stop using slave
labor as your example of efficiency.

You cannot
argue with the results.

I know how much you've been trying to
get a ticket back home for the holidays,

so I used my
airline connections

and I found you one
for half price.

You are amazing.
Thank you so much!

I've been dying to
get home for the holidays.


I don't have that kind of money.

Just pay me with
your next paycheck.

My next paycheck? Um...

How much do you make?

Can of worms, don't you think?
Talking about how much money we make?

Oh, Tonya, I'm not threatened
by how much money you make.

I mean,
we have similar jobs.

We both make 40...



Let's not talk about salaries or
how many people we've slept with.

Because both of those
numbers will make you sad.

Let me just give you this ticket as
my gift for you over the holidays.

No. I can't let you
do that. It's too much.

But you'll be stuck here
all alone over the holidays.

No. I'll be all right.

Plus, I'll be counting the
days till you come back.

And you know
what I want you to do?


I want you to start
paying for some dinners.

Because my baby's
making some mad cheddar.

my plane doesn't crash,

so your last words to
me won't be mad cheddar.


You coming to lunch?

No, no, no.
I'm not really that hungry.

Oh? What are
you watching?

Well, back in Kansas City,
my buddy, George Langworthy,

has this tailgating party
he throws at his house

before the Chiefs' games.

My friends got me
on video conference,

but then they started doing
beer bongs and forgot about me.

Am I missing something,
or is this incredibly sad?

No. It's sad.

Chug, chug, chug, chug.

Oh, who's Chug?
He sounds very popular.

It's a drinking thing.

Oh, no!

How embarrassing.
Her underwear is showing.

Actually, that's a thong
and it's showing on purpose.

We call that a whale tail.

Let's do this!

Todd, why are the men taking their
clothes off? What kind of party is this?

Oh, they're going to
start painting themselves

and they're going
to spell out Chiefs.

I used to be the "C."
It was the best letter,

because it was closest to the aisle
and you could make it out to pee.

Hey. I thought we were on for lunch.
What's going on?

Oh, sorry, man. I was just watching
my friend's tailgating party.

They're going to
the Chiefs-Raiders game.

Oh, man. That ought
to be a hell of a game.

Yeah. But there's no way
we're going to see it here.

You know, that restaurant we went
to downtown has satellite TV.

they show live sports.

Hey, maybe we could talk them
into showing the Chiefs game.

It would be the perfect
place to watch the game.

Word is the kitchen staff runs
a cockfight in the basement.

Why is that perfect?

Think about it.
Fresh chicken wings.

And they've really got a kick to them.
Not the spice.

I mean, the little legs
still think they're fighting.


They don't make that noise.
But they'll still kick.

Ah, my favorite customer.
One, please.

Well, that's
a very pretty shirt.

You know, bridal saris are
often that exact same color.

Oh, go ahead
and make fun.

But I don't care.
It's a great day.

I got a place to show my Chiefs game
tonight. A guy made me a jersey.

I see.
It's all good.

Wait! You don't want to eat that!
Why not?

It's gol gappa.
You can't handle it. Why?

It's street food.

It's made on this
street by that guy.

Attention, workers.

I have an announcement
to make.

You all disgust me.

Let that sink in.

This is a place of business.
Your attire reflects your attitude.

You would never see someone in
management dressed so unprofessionally.

What's up, guys?
- Hey!

White people.

Sir? It sets a bad example for
the workers to see a manager

dressed in
a shimmering night dress.

I'm wearing my
lucky Chiefs jersey.

Hey, Todd. I know why you like
American football so much.

The cheerleaders. With their white
teeth, glowing skin, ample curves...

I hate to tell you this, Manmeet,
but their teeth are bleached,

their tans are spray-on and a
lot of their curves are silicone.

I think I speak for men everywhere
when I say, "Who cares?"


It's no coincidence that the moment you
brought in that preposterous garment,

Manmeet launched
into an erotic story.

Look at them. This office
clearly needs a dress code.

Rajiv, they look fine
to work the phones.

But I really think
we need to...

Did you just growl at me?

I think that was my stomach.

Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine.

Must have been
something I ate.

Sir, is something wrong?
I've got to go.

Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

What, what, what?

Stop that.
Why aren't you wearing shoes?

Because I can't do this in shoes.
Good one.

This is an office.
You are an adult.

you will wear adult shoes.

I don't think so.

No, Todd said for us to be
as comfortable as possible.

Sir, I request an audience.

He can't talk.
He's really sick.

This is a matter
of utmost importance.

What's the emergency?

Gupta is
wearing sandals.

That's not an emergency.
I told you. No dress code.

But this is an office. Not
your town of Margaritaville.

Todd, you look...

I can't think of a word that's
not going to hurt your feelings.

You need to go home.

No, I'll be fine. I've just got to keep it together,
so I can make it to the game.

It's time.

Well, either you're here to take
my soul, or you're a Raiders fan,

which would be worse.

Who's ready for beer, potato skins
and barely-dead chicken wings?

What's wrong?

He ate four gol gappa.

Are you crazy?

Why do you think I
call them "Gol ga-poops"?

I got poop nicknames for
pretty much every Indian food.

Lamb Vindapoo, Shish Keplop,
Chicken Tandookie...

Oh, Charlie, please.

I'm just saying you
made a rookie mistake.

My first year here,
I ate food off the street.

I was sick all the time.

Check out my ID picture they
took when I first got here.

Oh, you were huge!

I lost 80 pounds. I had to have that
surgery to get the extra skin removed.

Well, at least I got a wallet out of it.

Well, looks like somebody's not
getting a Charlie belt for Christmas.


Aw, man.
You'd better go home.

You're going to be out of
commission for a few days.

No way. I am going to the game.
Dude, come on.

No. Chiefs-Raiders on TV,
man. I'm not missing it.

Yeah. Just a little
dehydrated, you know.

Just... I'll be fine.

Actually, I think I'm
getting a second wind.

I'm sure
he appreciates the concern,

but you should know,
you're in the splash zone. Yeah.

Sir, in your absence, shall I
assume the duties of manager?

Oh, God.
So, at 2:35,

you are admitting that you are unfit
for office and giving verbal permission

to Rajiv Gidwani to assume
all the duties of manager.


Note that the subject has
confirmed in American slang.

Let's get you home.
No. I'm going to the game.

I'm not missing this.

Attention, workers.
Todd is indisposed.

Until he returns or,
heaven forbid, perishes,

I am assuming
complete control.

You just happen to
have those in your desk?


Unlike Todd,
I'm not susceptible to your flirtations.

Rajiv, I am spoken for.

I am spoken for, as well.

So, you better get used
to the idea that this

is off limits.

Starting tomorrow,
you will follow a strict dress code.

Your desks will be spotless. And
there will be no more personal items.

But Todd gave those to me.
He wouldn't want you to throw them away.

Todd has given me complete authority.
Listen for yourself.


And you.
Wipe that dumbstruck look off your face.

Tomorrow, come up with three
new facial expressions,

and I will choose
the least offensive one.

Don't bring that one.

Not great,
but that's the one to beat.

Happy now?

Hey, we called earlier.

Can you put the
football game on?

Get a couple of beers?

It looks like it hasn't started yet.

Yes! We didn't miss anything.
Hey, what is this?

Your cheerleaders are wearing
jackets and long pants.

It's Kansas City in December.
They'd be freezing.

Well, that's what
I was hoping to see.

Todd, when a nipple gets cold...
I know, Manmeet.

...you will find that...
I know.

Here we go.


Looks like a different kind of kickoff.

Hey, Todd,
are you okay, man?

Come on, man. Todd?

I'm sorry. My friend is sick.
It's going to be a while.

I've been waiting
15 minutes.

Come on.
Hurry up in there.

You are
monopolizing the toilet.

I suggest
you use the ladies room.


Good one.
That was kind of fun.

I feel so powerful dressed like this.

Does it make you feel better about
being powerless in real life?

It really does.

How are you
holding up in there, man?

I want to go home.

Do you have enough
strength to open the door?

No, I meant Kansas City.

I'm sick of missing stuff.

You know, parties with my friends
and holidays with my family.

You're not in
Kansas anymore, Todd.

Very clever, Manmeet.

Hey, what's clever?
I was agreeing.

This is Mumbai, man.
You're on the other side of the world.

Yeah. That's the problem.


He's homesick.

Are you homesick, Todd?

sign for the package.

Can't someone else get it?
These shoes are killing me.

I had to rent them from
my 12-year-old cousin.

Everyone is on a call.
Just go.

Come on.

At least with these shoes,
I'm two inches taller.

I think I'm finally getting respect.

Quiet, donkey.
Just a theory.

Leave me alone. I have an
executive decision to make.

Isn't that just the phone bill?

Our current plan is expiring and
I must sort through the options,

so our service
is not interrupted.

Why don't you just wait
for Todd to figure it out?

I am God now.

Wait, did I just say God?
I meant Todd. I am Todd now.

I make the decisions.
Now, go.

The Gold Plan has a more
attractive rate up front,

but I must
commit to four years.

But the Platinum Plan has unlimited
network to network call bundling.

What do I do? This is so much harder
than criticizing Todd's decisions.

Goodbye, Rajiv.

I told you we could have left hours ago.

Much better.
Maybe for you.

Go. Go.

The Gold Plan is cheapest.

But the Platinum Plan
has the most features.

You are over-thinking this.

There must be a logical way to
make an informed business decision.

Mmm. This is an important
moment in your life.

Yes, exactly.

Wait. I see an apartment
in East Dadar.

Third floor. Romance
novel by a man's bed.

Yes, excellent. I live there.
I am almost finished with the book.

It's like they were meant to be
together. Don't tell me how it ends.

Anyway, tell me
which plan I should select.

I see gold.

Thank you. The Gold Plan.
Of course. The Gold Plan.

No, wait. It's orange.

There is no orange plan.

Orange flames. Your apartment is
in danger of burning to the ground.

A great fire is coming!

Focus! I need to
choose a call plan!

I hear screaming!
You are useless.

People will die!

Ah, no, thank you. I don't
think I can handle that, yet.

Do you have any ginger ale?

Saltines? Tums?

You are the
worst genie ever.

Are you prepared for the
American-rules football contest?

I told you. "Are you
ready for some football?"

It's six words, man.

What's going on?
You missed your game, so

we are recreating
game day for you.

I schooled your crew on the
finer points of tailgating.

I will be serving beer from my head.

Later? Okay. Come, come.

I went online and I found a recipe
for Kansas City ribs and I made them.

Are they baby back?
They're actually vegetarian.

They're milk fat
pressed around celery.

I tried one.
They're amazing.

Stay away.
I call them baby crap ribs.

Look. There is salsa where
the brain matter should be.

And best of all...

Are you ready? We had the IT guys
download the Chiefs game for us to watch.

All right, people.
Get ready to experience the roar of 70,000 rabid fans.

All right.
A little more volume.

This is a tradition
I hope goes on for years.

There's no place I'd rather be
and nobody I'd rather be with.

Looks like we're ready for kickoff.
Thanks, man.

McCluster is back to receive.
And here we go...

Are there any football
players who are Indian?

I don't think so.

Man down.

Here comes
the medical staff.

There are the Indians.


Welcome back, sir.

Rajiv, what happened to you? You look
worse than I did a couple of days ago.

Sir, I have been
very busy in your absence.

Our phone plan
is up for renewal,

and after exhaustive analysis
of our projected growth,

risk liability and
current revenue stream...

Oh, yeah. They got a hold
of me yesterday on my cell.

I went with
the Platinum Plan.

Yes. If you flip to page 72, you can
see I come to a similar conclusion.

I mocked up an Oscar envelope to make the
reveal something special, but here we are.

Rajiv, this is
really thorough.


Why is there a whole chapter
after your conclusion?

It's the devil's
advocate section.

Where I imagined how
your Satan would argue

against network
to network bundling.

Wow. I'm impressed.

I should be giving
you more responsibilities.

You know what?
We need a new copier.

Maybe you could decide
which one we should get.

There must be hundreds
of different copiers.

Aw. You'll pick the
right one.


I see them overcharging
you on the toner.

Yes, that is
how they get you.

I think you might want to consider...
Oh, your 30 minutes is up.

Here, witch.
Now, should I get the extended warranty?

Are you crazy? Never
get the extended warranty.