Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 7 - Truly, Madly, Pradeeply - full transcript

I love water pistols.

As a child, my cousin and I

filled our guns in the river

and played all day.

Oh, sounds like fun.

Oh, it was.

Until he shot me in the mouth.

I had dysentery all summer.

Is Todd around?

Not in yet.

What is this?



That, my acquaintances,
is a water balloon launcher.

Right on the edge
between toy and weapon,

like a .22 caliber rifle.

How does it work?

Like a whore on nickel night.

Ah.

It gets the job done.

Whoa.

Are you sure
this is a good idea?

Who cares?

What are you guys,
the good idea gang?

Now check this out.

That hotel down the block

is about to get a rooftop pool.



- Oh!
- Ha ha!

Oh. What?

I didn't see where it landed.

This just feels dangerous.

Come on, it's fun.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Oh-oh, it is fun.

- okay, thank you very much.
Good-bye.

Hey! Charlie, Charlie.

You'll never believe
what happened on Saturday.

You kissed Asha.

What?
It got out?

Are people talking about it?

You left me a drunk voice mail.

No, no, I don't think so.

That's not my style.

Charlie horse, what up!

It's the t-o-double-d.

Guess where my tongue was
last night?

You can imagine
my disappointment

when I found out
it was only a kiss.

It was more than just a kiss.

A week ago,
Asha was locked into

this whole
arranged marriage thing.

This is a game-changer.

I don't know if she's the one.

Sounds to me like you've got
feelings for someone else.

What?

Charlie, I love you, man!
You're the best.

Makes me sad you need
alcohol to say that.

Gupta.
Todd, seize him.

Seize him?
Guys, what's going on?

Sir, this barnyard animal
is chewing paan in the office.

Paan?
What's paan?

It's a betel leaf with
tobacco and spices.

Oh, like chewing tobacco?

Yes, it's a disgusting habit

of weak-minded people.

I used to chew.

Ten years ago, you'd never
see old Charlie walking around

without a lip full of dip.

Quitting those warm,
minty mouth hugs

was the hardest thing
I ever had to do.

Gupta is wasting
company time on this vileness,

leaving his desk every
ten minutes to spit.

- Is this true, Gupta?
- Liar.

- Open your mouth at once.
- Gupta, is this true?

Ur accusations make me
sick to my stomach.

Gupta, did you just
swallow that?

Oh, man.

I remember that look.

In about five seconds
he's gonna hurl.

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One.

What exactly happens
at a Bollywood concert?

Movie stars perform songs
from their hit movies.

♪ ♪

♪ all hot girls
put your hands up and say ♪

Okay, okay.

It's like that
but without the sweating

and the button
about to pop off.

Oh, I know I have
to get it stitched.

Sir?

I've been meaning to ask you.

Do you think I can leave
just a tiny bit early tonight

so I can go to the concert?

You have tickets?
That's great!

Yeah, of course
you can leave early.

Thank you, but I could
never get tickets.

I'm going to stand
outside the concert

and put my hand up against
the wall to feel the music.

And that'll be
a good time for you?

Just knowing
that Hrithik Roshan

is on the other side
of the wall

dancing without his shirt

is about as much
as I can handle.

Todd.

Hmm, what's up?

I saw a folder
on Asha's desk that had...

Manmeet,
you shouldn't be looking

at other people's
personal things.

It's a violation
of their privacy,

and as your manager I...

Yeah, okay, they're gone.
Tell me everything.

The folder was filled
with the resumes

of potential suitors.

She's begun the arranged
marriage process, Todd,

and you are about
to lose her, man.

What?
I just kissed her.

You know what,
I think I know what this is.

She's felt
the same thing I did,

and it freaked her out.

Think about it, she kisses me,

and now she's rushing
to find a husband.

That's no coincidence.

I mean, do arranged marriages
usually move this fast?

- They can.
- Ugh!

That's why I don't want
an arranged marriage.

I need to live first, you know?

I want to kiss a girl
in the rain in Paris.

I want to tango all night

with a beautiful woman
in Buenos Aires.

And I want
just one spring break

at the comfort inn
in south padre.

How do you even know
about that?

Last week a sorority girl
called to order

our king Kong beer bong

and said I could crash
on their floor.

What does that mean?

Well, it means
there are so many girls

sleeping in a room
there aren't enough beds.

Hey, they'd have to double up
on the showers too.

Sir, I just saw Gupta put
some paan in his mouth.

He told me he quit.

He was just telling you
what you wanted to hear.

All right, well, why don't
you keep an eye on him

and make sure he really stops?

All right,
but it won't be easy.

Nobody quits paan cold chicken.

Cold turkey.

Cold lentil.

I do not understand this game.

You know what,
I've got an idea.

Come on.

Gah, there's gotta be, like,
50 guys here.

Dentist, hindu, 5'7".

- Engineer, punja...
- Punjabi.

Punjabi, wheatish complexion.

What's wheatish complexion?

- That means
he's light-skinned.

That's more desirable
to some women.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, come on,
I out-pale all these guys.

What?

This mahesh is a keeper, man.

Look, pediatrician,

6'2", great salary.

And what's important
to him in a relationship

is trust and honesty.

Ah, so generic.

Nobody believes
in trust and honesty.

You don't think she'll notice
if I rip this up, do you?

Actually, actually,
let me keep it.

I have a sister.

Gosh, I can't believe
it comes down to this.

I'm so much better on paper
than all these guys.

But, Todd,
if you're not in the folder,

you're not even in the running.

I want an Indian name
that has a cool meaning.

My cousin's name
means "bliss."

Oh, that's perfect.
Use that.

Wait, what's the name?

Sukhdeep.

No, I'm not going
to be sukhdeep.

Okay, how about Pradeep?

It means "glory."

Sold. Pradeep it is.

What do you do
for a living, Pradeep?

International business manager.

Tell her you're a sheriff.

The badge, the gun,
gets a lady's motor running.

No, no, Charlie,
you're missing the point.

It's got to be
the Indian version of me.

Manmeet will slip this file
into her folder.

That way when Asha picks
Pradeep's profile,

she's really picking me.

That'll prove
that I'm right for her.

- I'm just saying
you need to up-sell.

Pradeep's a bounty hunter,
millionaire playboy

with a massive unit.

You know what, Charlie,
why don't you just

do your own form
and I'll do mine?

I'm just trying to help you
with the language.

I've been on all these
websites.

Jdate, adult friend finder,
the lifestyle...

- Charlie...
- Russian bride,

the no-fatty club,
the fatty club.

So moving on,

put down that I graduated
top in my class,

national honor society,

- captain of the soccer team...
- Oh, come on.

You're trying to get into Asha,

not Notre Dame.

I'm telling you,

you got to up-sell.

No, I want it to be
as close to the real me

as possible.

Wake up, man.

No one tells the truth
on these things.

"Down-to-earth"
means "poor."

"Separated" means "married."

And for the love of God,

if a woman says she's got
an athletic build,

don't get into a hot tub
until you're sure

she's got an innie
and not an outtie.

Yeah.

Just make sure.

Hey, Asha, can you
come here for a second?

I just need you to sign
your pay stub for me.

I thought I did already.

Thank you.

Someone's dancing
with the devil's crop.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Yeah, you're doing the paan.

You got that dumb stare

and drool coming out
the side of your mouth.

Oh, come on, man,
I've been there.

I was so addicted
I'd throw in a pinch

before I got out of bed.

Finally hit rock bottom

when I looked in the mirror
and my teeth were stained brown

and my gums were bleeding.

Ugh.

That was the last day
I ever chewed tobacco.

But this has coconut,
maraschino cherries.

You can really
taste the coconut.

This tea is hot.

I repeat, this tea is hot.

Sorry, I've got a song
stuck in my head.

Tea is hot.

Tea is hot.

How's it going, brother?

It looks like someone
just fell "pradeeply" in love.

This tea is cold.

I repeat, this tea is...

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Hey, Asha, what you got there?

I'm just paying some bills.

Oh, really?

Looks like the bio data forms
you were telling me about.

I still don't get
how you can pick a husband

off a piece of paper.

I mean, like, what's wrong
with this guy?

Pradeep.

Glory.

I mean, why'd he end up
in the trash?

Oh, Todd, he scratched
out his first name.

He can barely write.

Well, yeah, but look.

I mean, he's educated
and ambitious.

Ooh, wheatish complexion.

When you've read as many
of these as I have,

you learn to read
between the lines.

Top of his class?

Captain of the high school
soccer team?

College in America?

The guy's just bragging
about what he's done.

He's not telling me who he is.

Maybe he's just so awesome

you didn't know
how to handle it.

Well, you don't know
my parents.

And they already think
I'm moving too slowly.

And a month ago,
they gave me tickets

for tonight's
Bollywood concert,

and they expect me
to go with one of these guys.

Well, I think you're
moving too quickly.

I mean, you almost threw away
a winner here in Pradeep.

Look at that, four years
of Spanish under his belt.

Que bueno.

Tu eres muy simpatico.

Chica.

Todd, I have to do this.

Maybe you should
go out with Pradeep.

Maybe I will.

Ay dios mio.

Idiota.

It's over, Gupta.

No, no, it's not what
you think.

You left your desk to buy paan?

I would terminate you now
if Todd would let me.

Hey, buzzkill, leave him alone.

You're not the boss of him.

Yes!
Actually he is.

You?

I thought you quit.
You know what paan does?

Stains teeth and causes cancer.

Please, friends,

that's what toothbrushes
and doctors are for.

Look, I know this stuff is bad,

but I need to relax
and right now this is doing it.

I got corporate
breathing down my neck,

employees that don't know
what they're doing.

You have no idea what
it's like to run a call center.

You can really taste
the coconut.

Good night, guys.
Have a good one.

Madhuri, what are you
still doing here?

I thought you were gonna leave
early for the concert,

get your spot on the wall.

Oh, I don't have to.

Asha gave me her other ticket.

Asha gave you her ticket?

- So she's taking you?
- Yes.

Let me get this straight,
you're going together?

- Yes.
- You and asha.

You haven't seen me
outside of work.

I cut loose
in the most dramatic way.

Todd, Todd.

Look, look.

Asha threw
the whole folder away.

She didn't pick anyone.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

She's taking Madhuri
to the concert with her.

Huh, you know what this means?

I still got a shot!

All right, we're going up high.

I'll meet you there, man.

Oh, man, no more Pradeep.

No more tip-toeing around.

It's time for me to cowboy up.

You're not going
to wear any underwear?

- No, that's going commando.
- Oh.

No, I just mean it's time
for me to take action.

You know, I've liked asha
since the second I saw her.

If I don't tell her that now,
she's gonna be married off

to some gupta
before I get a chance.

You must tell her now.

Here, take my ticket.
Go to her.

No, Madhuri, I can't ask you

to miss the Bollywood show.

But you're letting me be part

of a real life Bollywood show.

She's like Aishwariya Rai and
you are like Abishek Bachan.

Who?

They're like an American
celebrity couple

without all the side fornication
and adopted babies.

Oh.

Madhuri, I...

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate this.

Is there any way
I can repay you?

Perhaps you could
drop me off at the wall?

- Of course.
- And...

What?

If Mr. Hrithik Roshan takes
his shirt off when he dances,

could you snap a photo for me?

No, don't.

Yes, do.
No... it's your choice.

Please choose yes.

Asha!

Todd?

What are you doing here?

I had to see you.

There's a reason
you couldn't find a guy

in that stack of papers.

The one you're looking for

is standing
right in front of you.

I want to teach you
the entire Kama Sutra.

Oh, I can't wait.

You don't have to.

Who is she?

If my legs start to cramp,

I don't want
to leave you hanging.

Oh, my God, I love you!

And you better
start stretching,

because...

We're doing e-5.

- E-5.

E-5.

I can't find e-5.

- E-5. E-5.

E-5.

Sir?

I am saying to you, e-5.

You need to take your seat.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Just look at us.

Work ended hours ago,

and we are still enjoying
each other's company.

I have something to say.

You two guys are officially
my best friends.

- I need to quit.
- Me too.

Okay, I'll quit.

Will you help me down?

What are you doing here?

Madhuri gave me her ticket.

I had to talk to you.

What, now?
The show's about to start.

Look, I saw all those
bio data forms in the trash.

I know you didn't find someone.

When we kissed,
I know you felt something.

So before you go off
and marry some guy

you've never even met,

you have to give me a shot.

I found someone to marry.

But you threw away
all the forms.

I threw them away because
I think I found the one.

His name is Sunil.

He was supposed to come tonight,
but we spoke on the phone.

- I'm so sorry.
- Right.

I think I understand why
you fought so hard for Pradeep.

He is a great catch.

He's funny, and he's sweet,

and he's handsome.

And even if I kissed
Pradeep once

and it was amazing,

Sunil wants to marry me,

and I want to honor
the wishes of my family.

I'm sorry.

No, no, it's okay.

You know, the classic excuse.

You know,
"it's not you, it's me

and the 10,000 years
of tradition."

Todd.

Don't worry about it.
We're good, we're good.

Let's just enjoy the show.

If you believe in love,
clap your hands!

If you are here
with the one you love,

hold their hands.

I'm sorry, we couldn't
get seats together.

Now tell that special person,

tell them you love them.

Again, I'm sorry.

I love you so much.

Dance with me all night!
Dance!

I'm so sorry.

Gupta told me what happened
with you and asha

at the show.

How does Gupta know?
He wasn't there.

Manmeet told him.

How does Manmeet know?

From Gurpreet.
And Gurpreet from Ajeet.

Is there anyone whose name
ends in "eet"

that doesn't know
what happened last night?

I feel responsible
for giving you my ticket.

This was supposed to end
like a Bollywood movie.

I thought by now we would
be celebrating your love

with a coordinated dance.

Hey, madhuri,
don't feel bad for me.

You know, I took my shot.

It didn't work out.
End of story.

Are you about to cry?

No, I just saw something
sad earlier.

- What was it?
- This.

Oh, I'm gonna be fine,
you know?

I'm gonna suck it up,

and I'm gonna go in there,
and I'm gonna do my job.

And it's not gonna be
awkward with asha.

Very not awkward.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

You first.

Thanks.

Oh, come on.
It wasn't that bad.

No, I was just
thinking of a bird

who flew to the other side
of the world to find love

only to be rejected
and suffer awkward moments

by the sink.

You are the bird.

Fresh paan.

Don't quit now.
Two-for-one sale.

What's wrong with you guys?

We are rehabilitating
ourselves.

We are trying to quit paan.

Are those our shock pens?

Yep.

Last time I quit the dip

I'd snap myself
with a rubber band

whenever I felt
the urge to chew,

but this stuff, coconut,
maraschino cherry...

Think I'm out of juice!

Agh!

You spring for those flowers?

No, guessing they're from
some other guy.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm totally fine.

Ooh.

Totally fine.
Totally fine.