Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - Bolloween - full transcript

Hi, brother.

Hey. Good morning.
Good morning,

Rajiv, it's not
a real spider.

Not anymore.
I must find the eggs.

Rajiv, it's a joke.

It's a Halloween novelty
we sell. Look.

I thought this was the holiday
where you give out candy.

Yeah, but scaring people is
also a big part of the fun, too.

Maybe I should have
explained this before.

Stop, stop,
stop, stop!

Charlie. Charlie,
are you all right?



Friend.

So, if somebody buys
the Sexy Devil costume,

you could suggest
they buy a...

Pitchfork.

Great. All right. Uh...
Ooh, here's a tough one.

If they buy the Naughty
Schoolgirl costume,

you could suggest...

they give me a call.

Aw... Good one.

I feel bad for the
naughty schoolgirl.

She's been held back
for so many years.

Her school uniform
doesn't fit her anymore.

Hey, Todd.
Look at Officer Busted. Oh, yeah.

If she patted me down,



there would be no
concealing my weapon.

I thought this was
a holiday for children.

Well, the candy part of it is.

But the adults
have costume parties.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

You get to wear a mask and for one
night, you can be anyone you want.

Oh, I used to throw this
amazing Halloween party.

And what was
your costume?

Ooh. Last year I wore a big box with
a bow on my head and a card that said,

"To Women. From God."

Because I was
God's gift to women.

Oh. Which god?

Uh, you're not
really getting this.

I wish you could
have been there.

You know what?

Just because I'm in India doesn't
mean I can't throw my Halloween party.

I can do it here.
This party is going to be awesome.

Count me in, brother.

And we can throw the party
at my apartment.

Actually, Gupta,

my corporate housing they
have a party room with a bar.

Oh.
We have bars on the windows at my place.

You know what? We'll use your place
as a backup. How does that sound?

Okay.

But this is a once in a lifetime
opportunity for me to throw a party.

My entire family will be out of town
at my cousin's wedding in Delhi.

Why aren't you going?

If someone
doesn't stay behind,

squatters will overtake
our apartment.

That's not true, is it?

Oh, yes.

We got our apartment when the
previous family went to a funeral.

Wait. Who's home right now?

Uh-oh!

I got it
all figured out.

I'll be in the bathtub,
covered with blood, holding a chainsaw.

I heard nothing.
I heard nothing.

Oh, no, no.
We're just planning the Halloween party.

Anyway, I'll hide behind the shower curtain
until someone comes in to use the toilet.

I'll let them start.
But I won't let them finish.

Charlie, do you not remember
the broom to the head?

Dude, there is no
learning curve with you.

All right.
But it's pretty funny.

You ever seen a guy try to
run and pee at the same time?

The body's got
to make a choice.

Man, your Halloween tradition
is even stranger than the one

with the homosexual burglar
who steals children's teeth.

Are you talking about
the tooth fairy?

Todd, that is
an offensive term.

I got it.
We start a small fire.

Then, we block
all the exits but one.

I'm standing in that doorway covered
in blood, holding a chainsaw.

I've got to be honest.
I already bought a chainsaw.

Look, Charlie, I want people to have fun at this party.
You know? Drink and dance.

Who knows?
Maybe even hook up.

Now you're talking, man.

Ah...

Now, I see what
this party is about.

What?

You're trying to hook up
with Asha.

No, I just want her to
see me outside of work.

He does.

And what's wrong if we
have a good time together?

I know what's a good time.

Getting a lady
back to your room,

turning the lights
down low,

starting to do the deed

and then I jump out of the
closet with a chainsaw.

The body's got
to make a choice.

This looks like trouble.

Oh, we're just planning our
Halloween party for the weekend.

Can... Can you make it?

Well, I've got some
girlfriends in town.

Do you mind if
I bring them along?

They're air hostesses.
Yes. Yes. Bring them.

Bring them.
I'm going over your head on this one.

Uh, yeah.
Flight attendants sound great.

Uh... One thing, though.

Some of my workers
are kind of modest,

so the costumes
shouldn't be too...

Right. Modest.

So, I'm guessing
underwear is mandatory.

Listen to your body.
Just do what feels right.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hello, Jerry.

Todd-O. What's up?

Uh... Jerry, all I see
is feet. What's going on?

Hey, there. Can you
tip this thing up for me?

Hey, hey. Aloha.

Are you getting a massage?

Oh, yeah. 36 holes of golf
takes its toll, buddy.

I'm on a corporate retreat in Hawaii,
trying to find ways to save the company money.

Oh. I was...
I was calling to see

if maybe the company could
kick in for a Halloween party.

But, uh, if things
are tight, then...

We're all cutting back.
You know that.

Mmm. As a matter of fact,

we can't keep you in that pricey
corporate housing. That's done.

What?
Yeah.

You're going to have to find some
place cheaper by the end of the week.

I believe I can
be of assistance

in helping Mr. Dempsy find
appropriate accommodations.

Saving the company money
is a passion of mine.

I was the one who suggested we
make Saturday "Friday Part Two."

Wait. So, let me
get this straight.

So, you have enough money to go
on a corporate retreat in Hawaii,

but not to have
a roof over my head?

I didn't say "no roof", Todd.
I said "cheaper roof".

Come on. We're all
making sacrifices, buddy.

Okay. Hey, uh... we've got
to wrap this up, Todd.

She's telling me to turn it over.
Wish me luck.

So, I keep a lot of tension
up here in my inner thigh.

Uh... Sorry, guys,

but it looks like we're not going
to be having the party at my place.

Back-up plan becomes plan.

Attention, everybody.

Todd's Halloween party has
been moved to my apartment.

Manmeet?

Manmeet, will you be there?

I will be there
as the Invisible Man.

You will be there...

That's not nice.

Not only does the boarding
house cost less than a hotel,

but at Auntyji's, your laundry will be
done and all your meals are included.

Really?
Yes.

And all my meals are home cooked,
made with love.

And filtered water.
Santosh?

So, uh, this would be,
like, my living room.

Yes. This is
the common room.

This house has been in my
family for generations.

Someday, it will
go to my children.

Oh, that's great. You know, my... my family
doesn't really have anything to pass on.

Well, every other generation, somebody
is born with an extra toe but...

Sir, you will not find better
accommodations than this.

Meals, laundry,
doorman, a servant.

Well, that... that's okay.
I don't really need a servant.

You'd be surprised
how handy they are.

Rajiv.

Thank you.

Look, I'm not really
a servant kind of guy.

In that case,
Santosh, you're fired.

Tell your children
their bellies are empty

because Mr. Dempsy
isn't a servant kind of guy.

Whoa. Whoa, nobody's
getting fired here.

Look. If servants are part of the deal,
I'll roll with it.

Don't worry about me.
All right?

I'm... I'm pretty
low maintenance.

Maybe a little laundry, tops.

You're don't wash the stuff
in, like, the river, right?

Slap the clothes against a rock?
You know what? We'll talk.

So, do I have
a new tenant?

Yeah, I think you do.
Wonderful, sir.

Living here
is much smarter

than getting swindled by
some corporate housing.

I'll take 50 of those
and 50 of those.

Oh, I'm hosting an
American Halloween party.

The holiday
is very candy-centric.

Gupta.

Todd, my Halloween party
is going to be so authentic.

My neighbor's baby has colic, so there
will be horrible screams all night long.

Yeah, about that. I found a new place
to stay, so I can host the party again.

I'm sorry,
but the wheels are in motion.

People have their hearts set on a Gupta
party, and I will not disappoint them.

Rs 4000.

Party is yours.
Pay the man.

Rs 5000.

Excuse me.

Hey. So...

the Halloween party is back on.
I'm doing it at my boarding house.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

And you're coming, right?

I don't know if I should.

I'm starting an
arranged marriage.

I should be looking at the
resumes of potential husbands.

You don't even
know the guy, yet.

Come on.
You can go to a party.

I know. I'd like to, but my parents
they're getting impatient. So...

Your parents? Come on.

You're a grown woman. And if you don't
come you don't get to see me dance,

Oh, no.
Oh, yes!

Is this a risk
you're willing to take?

Stop. People are eating.

I can't stop! I've got to keep going!
Could get my tray for me?

What are you doing?

Got my shopping cart.
Basketball.

Where's the basketball?

Russian dancing.

Oh, coconuts.

Yo!
Yeah!

Why are you still in your nightclothes?
Did you oversleep?

No, man. I'm Hugh Hefner.
The guy that started Playboy.

Ah, cool.

If there's one thing Indian women love,
it's pornographers.

So. What do you think?

Uh, you are
an Indian Slaughterhouse.

I'm a Chick Magnet.

Oh. Yes. Right.

Ah, Chicken Monger.
Good costume.

I'm a Chick Magnet.
Oh.

What are you?

Isn't it obvious?
I am a wealthy American businessman.

Gupta, that's
a pimp costume.

A what? A what?

A prostitute wrangler.

No. No, I am a businessman who
enjoys the finer things in life.

Like jewelry
and gold teeth.

Yeah. You're right.

Most American businessmen carry
a walking staff that says,

"Bitch, where's my money?"

Pay me, bitch.

Oh... Uh...

So, your costume is, urm...

Come on.

Saffron. Cardamom.

I'm a spice rack.

Oh.

So, technically,
you should be mounted in the kitchen.

Well, let a girl
get a drink first.

Nice hat.

Sorry. I was pulled in
by the chick magnet.

Excuse me.

Redundant.

Hey! Jello shot
for the King of Pop.

Okay.
Nice.

Rajiv. I'm surprised
to see you.

You don't see me.
I'm in costume.

As what?
I'm you. Todd Dempsy.

Is this safe to eat?
Where is football?

Where can I get that toilet
paper that has the lotion in it?

Okay. Very funny.

I comb my hair to make it appear
as if I didn't comb my hair.

All right. You got me.

I can't do it.
I just blew it.

What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?

The Naughty Nurse came
to me, but... I froze.

My costume worked,
but my lips did not.

What's the problem?
What's the problem?

Okay, that's enough.
A little bit goes a long way.

That is what I feel
about the real Todd, too.

I don't... I don't
get it, Manmeet.

You flirt with women
all day on the phone.

This is different, man.
You know? Up close.

Hair. Eyes.
Stomach, Todd.

You know what?
I've got an idea.

You are so cute.

I might need to make a house call.
Where are you?

I'm in your dreams,
your heart

and just behind
the punch bowl.

Hey. No, no, no.
That's close enough.

Wow. You look
like a million bucks.

Which, at Rs 40
to the dollar...

Never mind.
You look great.

Are you Hugh Hefner?

No. No, of course not.

I'm just a sleepy guy who got
locked out of his house with a pipe.

I'm not offended by Playboy.

Well, in that case, I'd like to feature
you in my "Girls of the Ganges" issue.

I thought you had to go through
a bunch of husband applications.

That's Asha's problem.
Oh.

And tonight, I am Cleopatra.
Oh.

Do you want to dance
with the queen of Egypt?

You bet your asp.

It was a ripper
of a party, mate.

Sorry, my Aussie slips out
when I have a little drink.

Yeah. A little slipped out
when you were dancing too.

Oh.

You know, there's one spice
that I am missing though.

Sugar.

No. Asha.

Time to die!

No!

You die first.

Hey.
Hey, man.

Have you seen Asha
this morning?

No. No, I haven't. Hey, Todd.
The party was amazing, man.

I talked to the Naughty Nurse
all night on the phone.

Then we went outside
together, just us.

Yeah? And?

I think we, um...

What is, uh, considered getting
to first base in America?

Kissing.

Oh, then, no.
I held her hair while she vomited.

Oh. What's the matter, man?

Well, I went to get Asha a
drink and then Tonya kissed me.

Todd's on first.

It's only a matter of time before you get
to second base and live happily ever after.

What... What do you think
second base is?

Getting married.

Then, what's third base
and home?

Well, I... I don't know.
Cricket only has two bases.

Well, the thing is,
Asha saw Tonya kiss me.

Oh.
And that's why she left.

That's not why she left.

Madhuri?
I didn't know you were there.

Story of my life.

But, wait.
What are you talking about?

You weren't even
at the party.

Yes, I was.

I was in the corner,
dressed as a lampshade.

And Auntyji came up to Asha
and started talking to her.

Asha? That's quite
a costume you have there.

Thank you.

As it happens, I am friends with
the Doshis, who know your parents.

They said your family has
begun to arrange your marriage.

Oh, yes.
I'm looking forward to it.

Then, perhaps, you shouldn't be
at a party dressed like that,

pressing up
against another man.

If word got around,
it would bring shame to your family.

And that's why she left.

Why doesn't Auntyji just
mind her own business?

Hey. Did you know American
dating has four bases?

Yes. I was right here
when he said it.

Oh, yeah.

If no one is going to notice me,
I should just take longer breaks.

Ooh.

Asha. Hey.

Hey.

Uh, look. I heard what
Auntyji said to you,

and she was
completely out of line.

Todd, don't worry about it.
No.

No.
Whatever is between us is between us.

So...

What do you think
is between us?

Todd, this really
isn't the place.

Right. Right.

Todd. I think you're my boss. And I'm
supposed to be getting married soon.

Yeah. Supposed
to get married soon.

Maybe you should talk
to Cleopatra about this.

Because I think
she's into me.

Well, maybe she is, because she's
making Asha's life really difficult.

Todd, this marriage was planned
a long time before I met you.

Yeah, well...
you did meet me.

I never want
to forget this moment.

What's the name
of this shop?

Subashish Balasubramanium's
Emporium.

Right. The Emporium.

Sir? Would you
check these numbers?

Trick or treat!
I got you back!

That was a real
spider, Rajiv!

That's how I do it.

Where... Where did it go?
Where did it go? Where did it go?

Workers, I need you to look
on the floor for a spider.

It also jumps,
so check your desks.

Do not panic.
It's only deadly if you're an infant.

Uh-oh.

It might be deadly for you.