Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 5 - Touched by an Anglo - full transcript

No, thank you.

Sir, I have found
the missing novelties.

They were detained at customs
for their unsavory nature.

"unsavory nature"?

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, no, these are harmless.

They're novelties
for bachelorette parties.

That's actually
edible underwear.

Strawberry... my favorite.

Todd, what is
this bachelorette party?

Well, before a woman
gets married,

She celebrates her last day
of being single.



Gupta, are you eating that?

Product testing.

So h-how does she celebrate
her last day of being single?

She goes out drinking
with her friends.

Oh, sometimes
they'll go to a club

where a guy dances for them,
and they can touch him.

Hey, how much does a man pay
for this privilege?

Uh, actually,
the women pay the guy.

They stuff money
in his underwear.

Okay, where do I apply
for such a job?

I need details, Todd.

Sir, I very much look forward
to your attempt

at explaining
these pornographic items.

Oh, yes.



Wow.

Oh, my.

Is everyone else
looking at a box of willies?

Yeah, well,
at bachelorette parties,

there's a lot
of penis-shaped novelties.

You know, you got your hats
and whistles, and, uh...

That is the pecker pistol.

It's a dart gun, and it shoots
penis-shaped darts.

The only problem is,
once you shoot,

you have to wait 30 minutes
before you can shoot again.

Why?

Well, some people,
not... not me.

- Oh.
- Oh, careful, Manmeet.

It has a hair trigger,
so make sure it doesn't go off...

Uh!

Okay, thank you very much,
please. Good-bye.

Oh, God,
what is that smell?

- Gupta.
- My shoes are on.

A fish wallah
just set up outside.

He's cooking lizardfish.

So that's a normal smell
for you guys?

I know how they killed the fish.
They let it smell itself.

No, it stinks
to us too, Todd.

Well, that's good to know.

I don't... I don't want
to offend anybody.

It's hard to know
what's a normal smell here

and what isn't.

I mean, this morning
I walked by a place

that smelled like someone went
to the bathroom

on a burning tire.

If I had known you were going
to be in my neighborhood,

we could have walked in
together.

I got to go make a call.

I can't work
with this smell, man.

He needs to move.

I'll get the fish wallah
to move.

Why don't you just talk
to him?

That will do it.

Tell him the story
about the first time

you had an orange.

I was five.
I was in the market.

Something orange
caught my eye.

- I said...
- Hey, Gupta.

Not for me.
For him.

Of course.

Sir, sir.
Come, come.

Fresh young coconut water.

Settles your stomach.

- No, thank you.
- Hey, Todd?

- Hey, Jerry, Jerry.
- Can you believe this?

Chiefs on the 10-yard line
with a minute left.

Tell me you're watching
this game.

Wow, I wish I was, but my boss
sent me to India, remember?

And the corporation
really appreciates it.

Get out of bounds.
Get out of bounds.

- Get out of bounds.
- Jerry, I think we...

I think we have
a little bit of a...

Gives you big muscles.
Good for hangover.

Okay, one for you.

Jerry, I think
we have a problem...

Hello?
Hello?

Can you hear...
No. No, no, no.

- What? What?
- No.

- You said one.
- No. Fine.

- You bought it.
- Here.

Thanks.

Yeah, Jerry, I think we have
a little bit of a problem.

Some of the novelties
might be a little too explicit

for my staff.

- Like what?
- The bachelorette stuff,

the position-of-the-day
calendar,

and pretty much anything

from our signature
crotchless collection.

Well, you gave them

the sexual-harassment
seminar, right?

It's only my second month.

Todd, give them
the harassment seminar

ASAP, okay?

You'd be amazed how many
frivolous lawsuits we get.

Remember fat Carl?

Yeah, you mean man-boobs?

Yeah, we can't call him
that anymore.

He won a huge settlement.

Right now he's flaunting
those big old jugs

on his brand-new boat.

So as you know by now,

some of our novelties are...

a little racy.

So I want to talk
about sexual harassment.

Now, I think what's important
is that we all start

from a place of respect.

He said respect.
Pay attention, donkey!

All right. Uh, let's say
that a customer calls up

and they want to ask a question
about the sex bell.

You can talk about it.

It's work.

It's just...
it's inappropriate

if you go into the break room

and ring the sex bell
and yell, "come and get it".

Todd...

The sex bell
is a joke, right?

There's no actual bell
you can ring

in America,
and a woman would...

I mean, come on,
that would be crazy, right?

Todd, I need you to be clear
and direct about this.

My point is that
if it's about work,

- It's okay to talk about.
- Is there a sex bell ?

No.
Bottom line...

If anything makes you
uncomfortable,

there's a hotline
to Corporate you can call.

And you can make an anonymous
complaint at any time,

'cause no one wants
to be uncomfortable at work.

Now, this is a video
all mid America employees

are required to watch.

There's a fine line
between appropriate

and inappropriate behavior
in the workplace.

Let's look

- at some examples.
- Todd...

She's blonde.

That's a nice blouse, Linda.

Was that appropriate

or inappropriate?

- Inappropriate.
- Inappropriate.

That's right...
appropriate.

How about this example?

Here you go, boss.

Great job, Randy.

Oh, you do have a great job.

Randy.
Randy.

Here's a situation that's
more common than you'd think.

Did you guys get the memo
about the...

Oh, I guess this isn't

the only PDA in the office.

My advice...

Get a room
other than the break room.

What?
Wait, what... what's the problem?

Todd, Bollywood movies
don't even show kissing.

- Seriously?
- No kissing

and certainly no fondling.

To them, this is like pornography.

The video was that offensive?

Todd, I don't know.
I would have to see it again.

Todd, play it again.

Oh, sorry.

Someone's in the bathroom.

I've heard about your American
casual Friday,

but topless break room Wednesday
is new to me.

It's so hot here.

I sweat through three shirts a day.

Wonderful, sir.

I was listening
to your voice mail,

and I heard
the most interesting message.

Uh, Rajiv, I don't remember

saying you could listen
to my voice mail.

I also don't remember that.

Jerry called
from Kansas City, America,

to say that someone had filed
a complaint

on the anonymous hotline.

No way. Already?
That's terrible.

What do you think
we should do about it?

Well, I think
we should find out

whoever crossed the line
and come down hard on them.

I don't want this kind
of thing in my office.

I couldn't agree
with you more, sir.

This sexual deviant
must be brought to justice.

Oh, I forgot one thing.
The complaint was about you.

Me? No, no, that...
that can't be right.

It is. I listened
to the message eight times.

As you say in America,

it looks as if you're up a creek,

and you've forgotten
your paddle.

Also, this is
a creek of feces...

A most unpleasant creek
for you.

Todd.

Jerry, got your message.

Damn it, Todd. What the hell
is going on over there?

Someone filed a complaint
about you.

I know.
I know what this is.

That video was offensive
to some of my workers.

I think I harassed them
just by showing it.

You know,
they're pretty modest over here.

It wasn't the video,
Todd, okay?

Someone specifically complained
about something that you did.

Well, what?

Ah, hello, hello, my friend.
Coconut water for you?

- Five?
- What did they say?

Let me read you
the email from legal.

- How about that?
- Good for you.

- I didn't order this.
- Makes you strong.

No, no, you don't understand.

Here's the part
about you, okay?

You have been accused

of "ongoing inappropriate
personal conduct."

I don't even...
I don't even understand...

- One more.
- I don't understand

what that means.

Uh, well, Todd,
if I was you,

I think I'd figure that out

before you're sitting
in a room full of lawyers.

This is man-boobs
all over again.

Sir, I took the liberty
of packing up your things.

I will always remember you
as a good boss

and not the monster
everyone else sees.

Uh, guys?

Can I get your attention?

So there was a complaint
about me

on the hotline.

I'm not mad.
It's okay.

That's not what this is about.

Sir, if I may, I think I know
where this is going.

Please join me
in saying good-bye

and nice try
to Mr. Todd Dempsey.

You can also say good-bye

to your 15-minute breaks
and brand-name tea.

Rajiv, I'm not going anywhere.

Look, I-I feel bad

that I offended someone,
but I have to know what I did,

so I can stop it.

So if anyone wants
to talk to me privately,

I'm all ears.

The line for alone time
with the predator

starts here.

Anyone?

- Hey, man, what's up?
- Hey.

Charlie, can I ask you
a question?

- Sure.
- I'm having a problem

with one of my workers.

You got a klepto?
Here's a tip.

Check the turban.

Starting to get
why this seat's always empty.

Um, one of my workers filed

a sexual-harassment complaint
about me,

but I don't know
what I did to offend them.

Don't beat yourself up
about it.

This place doesn't make
any sense.

Who knows what offends people here?

They don't kiss in public, but
they invented the Kama Sutra.

A woman can't show her legs
in public,

but they got an open-air
fertility temple

right down the street.

It's got a statue
of a big old dong.

wait, is that the big rock thing

with the flowers
on the bottom of it?

I got my picture taken
with my arm around it.

That's a dong, man.

Those kids told me
to rub the top for good luck.

You got off easy.
They got me to kiss it.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

So how's it going, fellas?

Hey, it's going pretty good.

Todd sexually harassed
one of his workers.

- All right. Thank you.
- Really?

You don't strike me
as the type.

No, I didn't actually do
anything.

However, I do like
my bad boys.

I'm capable of things...

Bad things.

- Very good to know.
- I stole this milk.

Stole it.

So do you know
who made the complaint?

No, I got to figure
that out.

Well, how very exciting...
a mystery.

My guess is it's a woman
who's never been with a man,

but she has a burning desire
to express herself

in a society
that won't allow her to.

So she makes a complaint

out of frustration
when what she really wants to do

is have a moment

like this.

Sorry.

My advice...

Get a room other
than the break room.

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

He's cooking another batch.

That's it.
That's it.

If you... if you can't get rid
of this guy, I will.

You can't.

Rohit is my second cousin.

I'm the one who told him

that that spot would bring him
a lot of customers.

His food reeks, man.

But he needs the business.

If you kick him out, I will
bring more shame on my family.

And I'm running out of shame.

I doubt that, Gupta.

Bringing shame
on your family

is the one thing
you're good at.

Yes...No.

No shame.

Mid America Novelties,
may I help you?

Yo, I want to buy some stuff

from yous guys.

I'm looking to get
some revenge on my boss.

He's always harassing me
and whatnot.

Your boss like that?

No, he's not,

but, uh, may I suggest
the itching toilet paper

on page ten?

No, no, no,
we recalled that last week.

I think I'm just gonna go ahead

and stab him.

Mid America Novelties,
how may I help you?

Hey, it's Magic Monty
from WKRP in Cincinnati,

and you're live
on the radio.

It's bitch out your boss day.

Tell us if your boss has ever
done something so bad to you

you had to call a hotline.

Oh, I've never called
a hotline,

but yesterday
Rajiv yelled at me...

Oh, sorry, not the answer
we were looking for.

Now we go live to Captain Dave
in the traffic chopper.

Yes, good afternoon,

This is Nigel
from Corporate.

I'm calling to follow up

on your
sexual-harassment complaint.

Hello, hello,
my best customer.

How many coconuts today?

Sir, I will be borrowing
your stapler now.

Be advised that,
when I reach across your desk,

I will be vulnerable
for a moment.

So please be so kind
as to control yourself.

Rajiv, do you have any idea
who called the hotline?

No. And you will never find out.

No one is going to confront
their boss to his face.

That does not happen
in India.

Oh, really? 'cause I-I feel
like you do it all the time.

I just want you
to feel at home.

Yes, sir,
your confetti, fog machine,

and party hats
should arrive by Saturday.

And again, I'm sorry
for your wife's passing.

How's it going, Madhuri?

Is something wrong?

No, no,
I just wanted to apologize

for the video yesterday

and for the big box
of fake penises

and for saying penises
just now.

Look, there's gonna be no more
inappropriate conduct from me.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Great.
Glad to get this behind us.

Yes, hello?

I need to make another complaint.

This time more anonymously.

- He just did it again.
- Good talk.

And he did it again.

Rohit!
Rohit!

- Ro...
- Gupta, come here.

Where is Rohit?
What have you done with him?

I'm sorry
about what I said yesterday.

- Okay?
- Eh.

So I decided
to help your cousin.

He said he needed
more customers.

I said we needed to breathe.

So I thought of a way

to make him stand out
from the crowd.

- Such as?
- As americans say,

I pimped his cart.

Thank you, Manmeet.

Mid America Novelties,
this is Todd.

Todd, Todd,
what the hell?

We got another complaint
about you.

Another complaint?

We didn't send you halfway
across the globe

to play grab-ass
with the locals.

No, no, this is crazy.

- I-I didn't do anything.
- Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna
get started again.

Well, I got to tell you,
I'm running out of options.

No, I'll take care of this.

I'll call you right back.
Will you stop that?

Stop.

I bet you hear
that a lot, huh?

Is everything all right?

No. No. Somebody keeps
reporting me on the hotline,

but I have no idea
what I'm doing.

I'm sweating through shirts.
I'm smelling new things.

I can't stop buying coconuts.
I'm lost here.

- Pardon me.
- Oh, sorry.

- That's it.
- What?

You just touched pinky.

No, I didn't.

Wait, are you talking
about this?

That's nothing.

Todd, maybe in America.

- Here it's something.
- Really?

Yeah, you might want
to stop doing that.

I don't think I do it
that much.

I'm a toucher.

I touch everyone.

I even made
a cow uncomfortable.

Oh, uh, well,

why do you feel the need
to touch everyone?

I don't know.
I just...

I'm new here.
It's my first time as a manager.

I just wanted...

You just want everyone
to like you.

Well, I was gonna say,
"do a good job", but...

Okay.

I guess I should apologize
to everyone.

Yeah, you can start
with me.

I didn't realize
I touched you.

You didn't.

I didn't?

No, so I'm curious.

If it really
didn't mean anything

when you touched the others,

what did it mean
when you didn't touch me?

I-I don't...

it didn't...

You are enjoying this,
aren't you?

Immensely.

Hey, guys, guys,
can I, uh...

Can I have your attention,
please?

I have something
that I need to say.

Please halt your productivity
for Todd's latest apology.

I got it.

I really got it.

No more touching.

I, uh... I didn't...
I didn't understand it before.

But I promise...
I promise

it'll never happen again.

Great.

Great.
Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you know,
it could have been worse.

I could have been this guy.

"Aah, look out."

"I'm the handsiest guy
in the office."

"Aah."
"Oh, no."

Todd!

That is Lakshmi,

and she's one of our Gods.

And I will cover
religious tolerance next week.

Hey.

What...
are you okay?

Are you choking?

Oh, wait, wait,
can I touch you?

I need... I need confirmation
that I can touch you.

Okay, okay.

I am approaching you
from behind, all right?

Okay.

So what happens next week?

Time to die!