Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 12 - Sari Charlie - full transcript

Ah, great,
it's already here.

You guys have any questions
about the new stuff?

This is so cool, man.

Do americans really need

Another stupid fart novelty?

Oh, now, this is not
just your normal fart machine.

This is
the windbreaker extreme!

Ooh!

Comes with eight different
settings,

From the angry duck
to the dry trumpet.

Oh, my mistake.



And I thought it was going
to be immature.

Ooh, you're above this.

Yes.

So this isn't funny.

No.
Okay.

Uh--

What's so funny?
Huh?

Sounds like the angry duck
has a little sister.

d thank you very much please d

d good-bye d d

No way.

Oh, so.

Last night was amazing.

And so was this morning.



Yeah, I know.

I think we were
a little loud, though.

You think your neighbors
may have heard?

Well, I don't mind that,

But if you're gonna yell,

You can't put
such a big pause

Between "don't" and "stop".

So, um,
do you wanna make plans

For Friday night?

Yeah, sure, I'll come over
to your place.

My neighbors could use
a good night's sleep.

Well, I was kind of thinking

That we might go out
for dinner.

You know,
like a proper date.

We kind of skipped
the whole courtship thing.

Sorry, I just--
I don't want charlie

To see us.

You still haven't told him
about me.

It would crush him.
I mean, he's really into you.

Todd, I'm tired of hiding.

Are we a couple or not?

All right.

I will tell charlie
the first chance I get.

I promise.

No more hiding.

Okay?

Hey, charlie.

Hey, good morning.
How are you?

Good, how are you doing?

I'm getting tonya
a cup of coffee.

She likes it in the morning.

Oh, yeah,
she certainly does.

Gupta!

Aah!

Next time, it'll be
a real brick.

I'm sorry, rajiv.

It's my chair.

I need a new one.

That chair is more valuable
to this company

Than you are.

It's dependable.
It never leaves early.

And the fact that you
sit on it all day

Makes it the hardest worker
in this office.

Hurtful.

Hey, jerry.

it works.

It's my first video call
on my new phone.

whoa!

come on, lady!

Put your makeup on
at home!

Man.

It's amazing
what some people will do

While they're driving.

Jerry, why don't you
call me back

When you get to the office?

Actually, todd,
I'm not calling for you.

I'm calling for rajee.

For me?

Really?

I knew this day would come.

Should we talk
about todd's severance package?

He's not firing me.

Rajee, I'm just calling
to give you a heads up.

It's time to get
your employee evaluations in.

Sir, I can do it
right now.

They're all inadequate.

No, the employees need
to evaluate you.

Sir.

This is highly irregular.

In india, a worker
would not dare criticize

Their superior.

Their job is
to follow instruction

Without question.

That's great to hear, rajee.

'cause as your superior,
I'm instructing you

To get those evaluations
in to me.

Ah.

You have corporate judoed me.

Just get 'em in
by the end of--whoa!

A mailbox!

oh, ho, ho!

Jerry the boss,
are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm gonna have to call
you back.

Hello, this is callstar.

Our system indicates
you have been

In an accident.

Should I call
for an ambulance?

Eh-heh.

Deepak, is that you?
Cousin?

Hey, charlie.

Hey.

There he is.
Where you been?

We haven't hung out
in a while.

Yeah, yeah.

I've been kinda busy
at work.

Look, there's something
I wanted to talk to you--

Shh.

Doe at your niner.

What at my what?

Doe at your six o'clock.

I knew it.

I frickin' knew it.

What?
She's having sex.

How can you tell?

She's been eating nothing
but salad for weeks.

Clearly, she was getting
down to her

Someone's-gonna-see-me-naked
weight.

Now she's feeling comfortable
enough with him.

She's got a big ol' pile
of pastries.

Yep.

She's definitely carbo-loading
for a bone-a-thon.

Trust me.

I'm a hunter.

A master observationalist.

I bet she's texting
the dude right now.

Now she's probably
calling him.

Well, that was too quick
for a conversation.

She must have left him
a message.

Dude, could you
turn off your phone?

I'm trying to figure
something out here.

You know, charlie,

If she is seeing
someone else,

Maybe it's time
to put tonya

In the rearview mirror

And find yourself a woman
who appreciates you.

I mean, there--

There's half a billion women
in this country.

There's gotta be five or six
who'd be into you.

No.

There's only one woman
I wanna be with.

There's just something
about tonya.

I love her.

Did you just say
you love her?

I wanna marry her.

Real damn bad.

When I see it
in my head,

You're my best man.

Oh, charlie.

I-I-I would be honored.

Um, but don't you have
a brother?

He's dead to me, todd.

That came out wrong.

He's dead.

Good afternoon,
business associates.

What a surprise
to find you here.

You told us
to go to lunch.

And if it were
up to me,

You could go to lunch
every day.

We do go to lunch
every day.

You're welcome.
May I join you?

Oh.

So what was so humorous
before my arrival?

Oh, you wouldn't
find it funny.

Come on.

Good old rajiv
enjoys a joke.

Ugh.

Very well,
I will tell one.

A man was traveling
from mumbai to delhi

On a train.

His wife was on a train
from delhi to mumbai,

Leaving one hour later.

Wait, I am just now realizing

This is not a joke.

It is a math problem.

The punch line is...

Two hours.

Look at us.

We're all such good friends.

I do not mind that you will be
evaluating me.

Afterwards,
we'll have dinner

And laugh about this
temporary power reversal.

Friendly touch,
coming in hot.

Did you just say we get
to evaluate you?

Well, technically, yes.

But really,
it is an evaluation

Of all of us.

Because to our
american employer,

We represent india.

We are not manmeet
or madhuri or asha or...

This guy.

You see, so when you give me
a good review,

You are not doing it
for me.

You are doing it
for our homeland.

in-di-a.

In-di-a.

in-di-a, in-di-a.

In-di-a, in-di-a!

Okay, stop.
Sorry.

I get excited
when I know the words.

Todd.
Todd.

Are you okay, man?

Charlie just told me
he's in love with tonya.

Right, how do you tell
your best friend

You're sleeping with the girl
he wants to marry?

If I tell him,
he gets hurt.

If I don't tell him,

He's probably going
to find out anyway,

And it's gonna be
even worse.

Okay, let me get this
straight.

Um, charlie's your best friend?

No, manmeet,
you're missing the point.

I just--

I just don't know
what to do about charlie.

Well, as your
second-best friend--

Unless there's someone else
you haven't told me about--

We know you're good
at hiding people--

I'd want you to tell me,
okay?

The lying only
makes it worse.

Mm?

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, manmeet.

No problem.

Oh, hello.

Clean bill of health?

Shall we celebrate?

Yeah?

Hey, charlie?

d d

You got a minute?

Now's not a good time.

Everything all right?

No.

I followed tonya today.

I know who she's seeing.

I can explain.

That's weird.

The safety's missing.

Look.

I-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it happened
this way.

Yeah, me, too.

And I had to find out
by snooping around

And taking pictures.

Agh, you have pictures?

Look, I-I can--
I can totally explain.

She came--

d d

She's dating another guy.

That's what I've been saying.

Where do you go
when I talk?

This is what she was wearing
this morning.

This must have been
taken today.

I said that, too.

You know, todd,

When we're alone,
and I'm talking out loud,

It's kind of
for your benefit.

I already know
the stuff I'm saying.

Who is this guy?

This doesn't make
any sense.

How could she see this guy
behind my back?

Your back.

So many backs.

You're taking this
mighty personal.

You're a good friend, man.

Yeah.

Let's put a pin
in that.

You know, charlie,
maybe we're overreacting.

Right?

I mean, maybe this guy's
just a friend.

I don't think so.

Check this out.
C'mere.

Just like watching
a movie.

Is this how movies work?

She really is
seeing this guy.

Yep.

Wait, what's that?

I don't see tonya at all
in this photo.

Yeah, that's a woman
taking a dookie

By the train yard.

Ugh!

Why would you take a picture
of that?

Why would you do that where
I can take a picture of it?

All right, um,

When did you take these
of tonya?

This afternoon.

It was hard to watch.

He comes up with a rose,

Trying to be all charming.

She smiles and seems
really into him.

Then they agree
they're gonna try

The flying peacock
tonight.

I was pretty upset
until I found out

It's just a restaurant.

Well, how'd you hear all this
without them seeing you?

I used this bad boy.

This is how I found out
that girl in reception

Was convinced
I was spying on her.

Who is this guy?

Everyone,
if you want treats,

Follow rajiv.

I just wanted
to show my appreciation

In the form
of sugary goodness.

Your hard work
has not gone unnoticed.

Here are some napkins.

Oh, wait, these are
the evaluation forms.

You can fill them out
while you enjoy the treats

I have so generously
provided.

I want to go to it.

I--

Can you believe he's trying
to bribe us with treats?

Mm.

You know what?
Look at this.

Does your assistant manager
treat you with respect?

Strongly disagree.

I'm going to give him
a good review.

What?
You can't be serious.

He may yell at us
and insult us,

But he's the nicest boss
I've ever had.

I say we give him
horrible reviews.

These are anonymous,
so we can finally be honest

About the way he treats us.

I mean, he calls us donkeys.

And useless.

And a waste of humanity

In ill-fitting trousers.

He said that to you?

No.

He said it to me
about you.

d d

Ah.

Man, ha!

Do you see tonya?

No, but I see
what I'm going to order.

The pumpkin ravioli.

The online reviews say
it's to die for.

No, manmeet, we're not here
to eat, all right?

I just want it
to look that way,

In case tonya's
actually here on business.

Or something like that.

Okay.

Do you know
what would really help sell

This dinner charade?

If we actually had dinner.

I just hope I misread
the situation.

Oh, there's no
misreading this, man.

We are in a romantic restaurant
on the top of a hotel.

Everyone here is trying
to get someone in bed.

Todd.

All right, that's it.

Hey.

Todd, what are you doing here?

Uh, I could ask you
the same thing.

Is everything okay?

This is todd.

Todd, sanjay.

And I'm manmeet.

I see you both went
with the ravioli.

Excellent choice.

We need to talk.

Well, not now.
I'm on a date.

Yeah, that's probably
gonna come up

In our conversation.

Excuse me, sanjay.

Mmm.

Smells good.

I can't believe
that you followed me here.

I catch you cheating,
and it's my fault?

I wasn't cheating.

This is the first time
I've been on a date with him.

Yeah, but you're still out
with someone else.

That's cheating.

You think she'll notice
one ravioli missing?

Yes.
It's our first date.

I wasn't gonna sleep
with him.

You can have one.

Well, you slept with me
on the first date.

Have them all.

I didn't sleep with you

On our first date.

We've never been
on a date.

I mean, this is like
the first time

We've been in a
restaurant together.

Actually, you're
with that guy.

Well, yeah,
because he asked me out.

You never take me out.

You hide me
from your friends.

All we do is have sex.

Separate checks.

I mean,
it doesn't even seem like

You even want
to be exclusive.

Do you?

Yeah.

You're right.

Tonya.

Would you like to go out
on a date with me?

Yes, I would.

All righty, then.

Tomorrow morning,
when you wake up,

On facebook,

We will be official.

Todd dempsy and tonya...

Something
are in a relationship.

Oh.

Bastard!

Charlie.

I heard everything.

You sneaky bastard.

agh!

Damn it.

Act natural.

Do not turn around.

Are you speaking to me?
Yes.

Madhuri?
Yes!

I don't want anyone
to see us talking.

I know the workers
are gonna give me

A bad evaluation.

Madhuri,

I admit I can be
difficult sometimes.

But it comes
from a good place.

A love of commerce
and hierarchy.

Please,
I need your help.

I took you in
off the streets.

I wasn't on the streets.

Really?

It feels like you come
from the streets.

You have to admit,
your whole vibe

Is really streety.

But wait.

I-if everyone gives me
a bad evaluation,

I will never make manager.

Which means vimi's father
will never let me marry her.

You know the others
better than I do.

Will you help me
win them over?

If you give me
a good evaluation,

When I am manager,

I will make you
my assistant manager.

You realize women
are attracted to power,

Don't you?

I like women.

I know that about you.

d d

I realize
I can be harsh.

But I need your help.

My nephew is in dire need
of an operation.

And I'm the only one
who can afford

To pay for it.

I'm so sorry.

I'm also really close
to my nephew.

I know that about you.

This looks like a dog.

You sound just as cruel

As the children who tease him
on the playground.

No wonder the boy comes home

With his tail
between his legs.

So, sameena.

Let's talk
about my evaluation.

I know you have
two children.

And if you ever want
to see them again...

You can!

This afternoon.

Which you can take off.

Because that is the kind
of boss I am.

Run along.

This is the last one.

I cannot do it.

I will not do it.

You must.

For vimi.

Okay, look.

Oh!

I--

You got me a bow!

I love bows!

A chair!

I got you a new chair.

Oh, sure.

It's great.

Yeah, but I do get to keep
the bow, too, right?

Ahhh.

This cushioning
is just like sitting

On my dadajee's lap,
you know?

'cause he was really fat
from the lower half

And his upper part
was very bony.

And it was like the chair.

'cause this is
fat cushioning like thighs,

And this is like his back.

Because he had
an inverted--

You know, that little
indent here.

d d

Hey.

Been calling you all day.

Mind if I take a seat?

Why not?

You take everything else
you want.

Charlie, look.

I'm really sorry
about tonya, all right?

It just kinda happened.

I wanted to tell you,

But I didn't want
to ruin our friendship.

Well, you did.

So not only are you
a terrible friend,

You're also not good
at following through

On your goals.

I'm really sorry, man.

Let me ask you something.

If you were
in my position,

What would you have done?

Probably the same thing.

Who am I kidding?

I never had a shot
at tonya anyway.

Oh, come on, man.
Don't say that.

Any girl would be lucky
to have you.

You're a great guy.

And you're brave.
And--

It's all right, man.

You don't have to try
to make me feel better.

What else were you
gonna say?

Not many guys
can pull off

The short sleeve
and tie thing.

I mean, off the top
of my head,

It's you,
my youth pastor,

And dave thomas,
founder of wendy's.

So we're good?

Yeah.

Go be with tonya.

She's your woman.

Okay.

Make love to her
all night if you want.

All right.

Hell, keep the lights on.
Just explore each other.

Charlie.

Leave the curtains open
for an old friend.

Sorry, man.
I can't do that.

Hello, jerry the boss.

Shh, hello, rajee.

Did you get
the evaluations, sir?

Yeah, just went over 'em.

And?

Not one negative comment.

Well, sir,
that's how I do it.

Well, you're gonna have
to do better.

I beg your pardon?

They were all
about how nice you are.

If you're gonna be
a manager,

You gotta have some backbone.

You gotta be more like todd.

todd?

Yeah, todd.

In one of his evaluations,
somebody wrote

He's constantly...

Shooting down their ideas.

That was me.

Well, sometimes as a manager,
you gotta be tough.

This cannot be happening.

Look, rajee,
remember this.

You're their manager, okay?

Not their friend.

Thanks again for the chair.

It's really fantastic!

Oh!

Hurtful.

Oh, the bow is--

Aw.

Double hurtful.