Outsourced (2010–2011): Season 1, Episode 13 - Training Day - full transcript

Todd sets up a corporate retreat for his employees, but the train breaks down on the way to the site. Meanwhile, Tonya tries to help Charlie find a date.

Sir, I'm sorry for the horrible misunderstanding.
I can give you a full refund.

Yes, that is why the ghost
costumes have to be recalled.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
There was a mistake at the factory.

The head of the ghost costume
is supposed to be rounded.

I don't know why we had to recall these.
They look fine to me.

Please take that off.

What is defective about this?
It is still perfectly scary.

In a very different
way than we intended.

Todd. Todd.

I may have a buyer
for the ghost costumes.

I'm on the line with a man who
claims to be an exalted wizard.

He's willing to
order 50 of them.

He just wants to know,
"Are they flame retardant?"

Not in
the slightest.

Wait. Tell him they are
and take the order.

Hello, Mr. Wizard?
You are in luck.

We must have recalled a thousand
of those stupid costumes.

My people
are exhausted.

You've got to be careful
not to burn them out.

The key is to filter in new
people all the time. Hmm.

Kind of
like a marriage.

You know, if you want
to shuffle up your team,

I'm open to trades.
I will give you...

Let's see.

Comb-Over and Dumbledore for
that quiet chick you got.

You make cards
of all your workers?

I thought of making them wear signs,
but that felt degrading.

A guy in my position
forced to make signs. Huh.

You know what? Every couple of months,
I take my workers out bowling.

It's really
good for morale.

That's not a bad idea,
you know.

Get out of the office,
have a little fun together.

During management training,
they took us to Lake of the Ozarks

for this
team-building retreat.

You know,
we swam, we drank.

We got into this Truth or Dare
game that ruined two marriages.

My platoon did some team-building
back in the Army with this guy, Terry.

We'd hide
his clothes,

blast music at
him all night long,

chase him around with a fire hose.

Did that make Terry feel
like part of the team?

No, Terry is short for terrorist. It's
better if you don't know their names.

I'm transferring
a call to you.

But I was just
taking another...

Oh, my fianc? is
on the other line.

Thank you.

Hey, guys. I know everyone's
been working really hard,

so I got a surprise.

We are going
on a retreat.


This place is a couple of hours
outside Mumbai. Check it out.

They've got trees and
waterfalls and streams.

Will we be
forwarding calls?

To where, Pinky?

The woods.

No. No, we're not
going to do any work.

That is the
beauty of a retreat.

It's a boondoggle.

What is
a boondoggle?

Well, it's like going
through the motions of work,

but really, you're just
having a good time.

It's like
fake working.

Here, we call it,
"Pulling a Todd."

So, we're...

So, we're going to do a few team
building exercises to justify the trip.

And then, it's just going
to be an entire day of fun.

This river
looks so beautiful.

I wish I could
bring my laundry.

Oh, yeah.
There's horseback riding.

Oh, yeah. We're going to ride to the top
of this hill where there's an amazing view.

And then,
we're going to have a picnic.

I will be in my element.

I come from a long line of horsemen.

I didn't know you
rode horses, Gupta.

Oh, no. I said "horsemen,"
not "horse riders."

We braid the tails,
clean the hooves,

masturbate them
for breeding...

Oh, God.

Okay. Uh, just to be clear, we're
only going to be riding the horses.

I don't want to
ruin our picnic.

When they whinny, you know
you've done a good job.


Whoa. Manmeet, look at you.
You've got your fishing pole.

Oh, I'm really looking
forward to this, man.

The only time I get to use
it is during the monsoons.

Last year,
I caught a catfish.

It may have been a cat. It was quite
bloated by the time I pulled it out.

When I was a kid, we used
to go on fishing trips to...


My fishing pole!

You have to fight!

Coming, guys! Coming!

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I'll be
right there.


Push her! She will
respect you for it!


Mid America workers, our fearless
leader is too timid to board the train.

Everyone off!

No! No, I don't
want to go!

That was insane!
Why didn't you warn me?

Warning, Todd. This is not the
sky train at your Disney town.

This is an Indian train.
Getting on is just the half of it.

There are pickpockets and
gropers and gropers-in-training

being shown the ropes
by more seasoned gropers.

What's that noise?

Oh, no.

Manmeet, you've
got to let that go.

No. I borrowed this from my
father without his permission.

Does anyone have a knife?
Give me a knife!

I don't
have a knife.

I guess you couldn't
catch the train.

Everyone off!

Come on.

Todd, this is the last one.
If you don't get on, we're screwed.

All right.

You have to really push this time, okay?

Follow me, Todd.
I carry a sharp pin.

I get close to people and
make a fearsome bird sound.

I don't see
how that would...

Okay, guys, I've got this.
I can do this.

Coming through!
Coming through! Excuse me!

Coming through!
Coming through!

Coming through!
Coming through!

Coming through!
Coming through! Excuse me!

Ha! Yes! That is
how you board a train.


My God. I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?

I was told people would
respect me for pushing.

I do. We both do.

Hey, Charlie.



If you're looking for your boyfriend,
he's on his retreat.

Right. That's today.

It's cool.
You don't have to sit with me.

Well, no.
Don't be silly.

We've got to have something
in common other than Todd.

What are you and Todd
doing this weekend?

Oh, we'll probably grab
some dinner, and then...

Do some stuff that would be
weird to talk to you about.

What about you? You got
a hot date for the weekend?

No. I haven't been on a
date since I got to India.

I'm on kind of a cold streak.

The last time
I got any action was

when I spilled ice cream on my pants
and a street dog just went at it.

I'm ashamed to tell you I
didn't put up much of a fight.

You know, maybe if you watched
what you said a little more,

you'd have a better
chance with the ladies.

You know,
you've got a lot going for you, Charlie.

I do?

Yeah. You have that
deep, sexy voice.

Is that so?
Welcome to my bedroom.

See, now, that's sexy.

I stole these sheets
from a five-star hotel.

Still kind of sexy.

Good luck trying
to untie this knot.

You went to creepy.

It's such a fine line.

Maybe I could
help you find someone.

You know,
I could give you a couple of pointers.

Did you just sneak
a peek at my chest?

You said pointers.

We've got a lot of
work to do, don't we?

I did it again.
Oh, I did it again.

I'm not going to...
No, I did it again.

Okay. All right.
We may have lost some time.

We might have
to skip the hike.

But, yeah,
we've still got the horseback ride Oh.

and the picnic.
I can almost smell that fresh air.

Wait. What did he just say?

The train broke down.

Oh, it looks like that
guy's getting right on it.

Actually, I think he
just stole the toolbox.


All right. All right. Shouldn't
they be telling us what's wrong?

Is it the engine?

Did we stop because one of the
people on the roof fell off?

Are you crazy?

Stop the entire train because a
freeloader lost his grip on a curve?

Wait. There aren't any
straps up there or anything?

Yes. They have straps
and a waiter and popcorn.

Okay. Yeah.

And on Wednesdays, they have a continuing
education class on French cooking.

May I see
a brochure, please?

Yes, you can. See, I'm glad you
guys aren't losing your enthusiasm.

Thank you.

You know what? If we got some of
these exercises out of the way now,

we'd have more free time.

Uh... Okay, guys.
Stand up. Stand up.

Trust Falls might be in poor taste
in light of the roof passengers.

Oh! Oh! Human Knot.

All right,
everybody circle up.

Circle up, circle up,
circle up. Okay.

Now, reach into the center
and grab someone else's hand.

Now, take your other hand and
grab another person's hand.

Now, we have to work together as a team
to untangle ourselves without letting go.

Watch your face.

Oh, my hair! TODD: Slowly, guys.
We don't want to hurt anybody.

Okay. Carefully,
guys. Carefully.

I've got to be honest.
I don't like any of them.

If you want to attract a woman,
you need a proper haircut. Pick a style.

All right. Number 10.

Okay. Let's work
on your approach.

When you meet a woman you want
to go out with, what do you say?

I think you're
very attractive.

Nice start.

How about I buy you a
purse and we go do it?

I respect your honesty,
but that's too honest.

How can I put this in terms
that you will understand?

Dating is
like hunting.

I'm listening.

Well, you wouldn't just
charge into the woods,

blasting your gun
everywhere, would you?

No, the deer
would run away.

It takes patience.

And deer urine. I cover myself with
deer urine to put them at ease.


Well, dinner and a movie
is the deer urine of dating.

You just
blew my mind.

Oh, my leg is
falling asleep.

I have to sneeze.
- No.

Can't we just
let go, Todd?

No. Trust me.
If we do this as a team,

we're going to feel a real
sense of accomplishment.

Uh, Rajiv, go under
Madhuri's arm. Okay?

Never. I am management.
She goes under me.

But if you don't go under her,
we won't be able to untangle ourselves.

Then, we shall remain this
way until the end of time.

Oh, I really have to sneeze.
- No!

Come on, guys.
Hang in there. Hang in there.



Oh, did I offend you,

This is ridiculous.

Oh, oh. Come on.
Who let go?

Asha, of course.

What do you
mean, "Of course"?

Madhuri, is there something
you want to talk about?


Guys, I'm sensing
some tension here.

What's going on?
Talk to me.

Sir, I don't think this is... No,
not now. Not now.

Let's just get it all out there.
Anything on your mind. Out with it.

You bring fish curry from home,
then forget it in the fridge

and it stinks up
the whole office.

Maybe Madhuri should put up
one of her signs about it.

"Your mother doesn't work here.
Pick up after yourself."

"Stop taking
down my signs."

At least I don't talk
loudly when I make a sale

so everybody can hear it.

"What, what, what?
I am Gupta. I made a sale."

At least
I make sales.

Yeah. Sometimes, you even
take other people's sales

when they put
customers on hold.

Oh, you mean when you
put customers on hold,

like when you have to
talk to your girlfriends?

"Dude, Debbie, man.
I love you, man."

Okay. Let's not get
personal. All right?

You take my magazines to the bathroom.

And you
chew on all the pens.

You masturbate horses.

And they're the happiest
horses in all of India!

Guys, this is
getting out of hand.

Let's just focus on
work issues.

Yeah, come on.
Let's not be petty.

How's this for not petty?
Ever since you got engaged,

you think you're more
important than all of us.

That's right.

Any time your fianc? calls,
you dump your work on someone else.

Yeah. And you're always late,
so we have to cover for you.

Why don't we mix it up
with a positive comment?

I'm positive you take longer
breaks so we have to cover for you.

He's right.

Who do you think you are, Asha?
We do all your work.

I do not have to stand
here and take this.

Stand someplace else.
- Wait.

I'm on the train tracks.
- Asha.

Well done, sir.

Now, let's do Pinky.

Maybe you can get her to
jump out of the window. Go.

Yeah. They were
pretty harsh on Asha.

I'm going to go
check up on her.

Sir, you cannot
go in there.


Todd, you shouldn't
be in here.

I need to talk to you.

No. You don't understand.

Look, you know,
they have a good point.

You can't just be throwing
all your work on the others

just because you've been distracted
by the whole wedding thing.

Look, I know everyone
is upset with me.

But they have no idea what
it's like to plan a wedding.

You know what?
I get it.

I had to organize my
buddy's bachelor party.

It was a nightmare.

I mean,
I waited till the last minute.

And the only stripper they had
available was this little person.

It was pretty cool, though.
She jumped out of a cupcake.

No, she didn't jump
out of a cupcake.

She wasn't that little.

I'm under a lot of pressure,

but I didn't mean to
take advantage of anyone.

I feel really
bad about this.

Well, you might
want to tell them that.

Whoa. Hey.
What did I do?


How dare they kick you
out of the ladies' compartment.

I thought they would have
seen your soft, feminine hands

and given you a pass.

Well, I handled
the Asha situation.

I want to go talk to the rest of
the workers and resolve things.

If I may, sir...

Oh, I know.
They're beneath us.

Their opinions don't matter.

Rule through fear.

As painful as it is to admit,
I have learned a thing or two from you.

Have you ever
considered the possibility

that you might
learn something from me?

All right, Rajiv,
I'm listening.

In India,
we are not a culture

that dissects
every passing feeling.

We accommodate. We move on.

I don't think anyone is
going to move on from this.

In my experience,

nothing brings workers together
faster than sharing a common enemy.

Perhaps a boss.
Permit me a touch?


If they're angry with you, they will
forget about their petty squabbles.


You know, Rajiv,

you may not
want to show it,

but when it comes down to it,
you're a good guy.

I like to think so.

We're moving.

This is our best chance to see
stowaways tumbling off the roof.


I think I got it.

Charlie. I think
I've found a girl for you.

Well. I guess I could have a
couple of beers and roll the dice.

No, no, no.
I'm talking about her.

Her? Wow.

Charlie, I've prepared you.
You can do this.

Hunter mode.

Tell me about the prey.

Her name is Veena.
I've met her a few times.

She's friendly, single
and approachable.

All right.
Lock and load.

Good luck, mate.
Happy hunting.

Hi. I'm Charlie.

I couldn't help
noticing you.

And I'm sure
you noticed me.

I'm, like, the only slice of white
bread in this pumpernickel world.

Excuse me?

I was thinking,
if you're free tomorrow night...

Sorry. You're not my type.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Hang on.

You didn't even
give him a chance.

I mean, I know he's a
little gruff on the outside,

but he's decent
and sweet

and you'd be lucky
to go out with him.

I'm not interested in Charlie.
I'm interested in you.


I have been
for a long time.

I've just been trying to
figure out how to ask you out.

Sorry, Veena.
I'm actually seeing someone.

Whoa, wait.
You didn't even give her a chance.

She may seem
gruff on the outside...

Not going to happen.

Come on. It's like wrestling,
but with two winners.

Well, if you
change your mind...

She doesn't like it when
you look at her pointers.

I'm sorry. I kind of
led you into an ambush.

Are you kidding?
You said nice things about me.

I got to see hot
girl-on-girl flirting.

Best day
I've had in a long time.

Really? You're
not discouraged?

Hell, no. You've got
my confidence sky high.

I'm in the game now.

Hi. I'm Charlie.

I couldn't help
noticing you.

Not going
to happen.

Hi. I'm Charlie. I couldn't help...
I don't think so.

Hi. I'm Charlie.
I couldn't help noticing you.

Would you like
to go out sometime?

Probably not.

Hot damn.
Getting closer.

Hi. I'm...
Oh, that's a dude.

Okay. All right.
Listen up, guys.

I know you're probably burnt
out on all these exercises,

but I've got one more.

No, no, no.
You're going to like it.

It's a trust-building

I'm going to need everybody
to give me their wallets.

No, you've got to
trust me. Put them in.

Put them in. Drop them.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

Okay. Nice. Okay.

All right.
What we're going to do...

We're going to get off here.
I'm going to pay for dinner.

All right?

Hey, what's the exercise? I'll tell
you when we get off on the platform.

Go, go, go. Quick. Come on, guys.
Dinner. Dinner awaits.

Go. Go, go, go,
go, go, go, go.

Sir, we have to get off.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, guys.
This is your last exercise.

You have to get home with no
money and work together as a team.

I'll pay for dinner tomorrow night.


Well, Rajiv, looks like they
found themselves a common enemy.

A stroke of genius, sir.

You have stranded them in one of the
most dangerous neighborhoods in the city.

Luckily, you have also
taken their wallets,

so the only thing they can
pay with is their lives.

Is the neighborhood
really that bad?

I will speak of it
at the memorial service.

Wait. Where's my backpack?

Oh, crap. The wallets.
The wallets!

I am going to kill Todd when I get home.

If anyone needs to leave work early
tomorrow, I can cover for you.

Thank you.

You know, I think
there's less chance of

anyone falling if we
hold onto each other.

Good idea.

Hold, hold, hold, hold.

You know, if you think about it,
we are using what we learned today.

We're working together as
a team to get through this.

Shut up.
Shut up.