Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Election Security - full transcript

Good thing
the Iowa Democrats

used that fun new
computer app.

How else would we take
a head count in a fucking gym?!

That stinkin' app!

I was really looking forward
to knowing

precisely how much
my campaign was imploding!

Whoa, whoa! They rigged
this thing against me.

What a shock. What are they
gonna do in New Hampshire?

Burn down the state?

Hey, I had a great time
in Iowa.

I got to stay
in a hotel!



Joe, what the fuck
are you so excited about?

You came in fourth.

I'm fine,
as long as I don't go over 21.

Jesus! The only person
more demented than you

is Pete Buttigieg.

Bonjour, mi amigos.

So, who wants to make their case
for V.P. first?

Oh, oh, how about me?

Name... Amy.

Skills...
Blunt-force trauma!

And to think
I was gonna make you

the Secretary of Pete Buttigieg
Aggrandizement.

Wow!
That word was huge!

I want to be that word!



Sleep in a big old bed.

Jesus Christ!

Anyway, got to slap on
some aviators

and let my staffers lead me
around like a circus bear.

You're still sitting there,
buddy.

And I ain't going
nowhere.

It's time to put
my third-place finish in Iowa

behind us
and focus on my big,

upcoming third-place finish
in New Hampshire.

Ah, New Hampshire,
where I'm polling second,

or as I call it,
a landslide victory.

Hey, Mike Boomberg!

Hey, Boomberg!

Hi, fellow front runners,
and Amy.

Suck my dick!

Okay. So, I just bought
this hotel,

and I'm about
to implode it

and turn it into
a 50-foot plasma TV

that plays my ads 24/7.

Big TV! Wow!

I sprung for motion smoothing
to make everything look bad.

I want people to vote for me
with disgust in their hearts.

You all have 10 seconds
before you turn into a big TV.

Tom Perez did this,
I know it!

Bailey, get back here
with my DNA test.

*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Season 03 Episode 03
Episode Title: "Election Security"

♪ News theme ♪

I'm Anderson Cooper, and
the one time I tried Dr Pepper,

it almost killed me.

Authorities suspect
Russian hackers

are behind the purge
of California voter rolls

that left the state
with only one registered voter:

a 72-year-old Republican
named Jasper.

Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer
have vowed to pass a bill

that strengthens
election security

beyond the single download
of Norton Antivirus

being shared among
all 50 states.

Go, Russia, go!

Kids, I think this election's
in the bag.

I hope so.

If you lose
and go to jail,

who will look after me
and my wife and kids?

Are you high, Dad?

Your poll numbers eat ass.

If you don't cheat
big time, never again

shall the scrotum-vein bursting
victory cheers of 2016

land upon thy ears.

Ah, the only thing better
than the cheers were the tears.

Everyone was watching
Fox News,

but I was glued
to the other guys.

That was the real victory:

watching all those people
fall apart at the seams

for underestimating
my DiCaprio-like charisma.

I don't need to cheat.

I'll just run
on my sterling record

of saying
and doing whatever.

I think the media has done
a disservice to me

by focusing on my youth,
Harvard education,

and mastery
of seven languages.

Hello!
I also served in Afghanistan

where I held a big gun!

Let's check out that photo
again.

- Wow! - Nice gun!
- That is a big gun!

Lis Smith,
Pete's campaign manager here.

Any questions
before we hand out

some of Pete's
favorite report cards?

- Pete!
- You look like my nephew.

- Hey, Pete!
- Yeah, I have a question.

You really think
you're qualified to be President

when you're, like,
just a mayor?

Hey, let's look at that gun
again!

Ooh!

Abort, abort!

I think we should hold
our re-election party

at the Javits Center.

Just to really twist the knife
into Hillary Clinton...

For old time's sake.

You old softie,
you're so sentimental.

Wow, must be a grassroots rally
for me.

Always nice
to see my name

when it's not being defecated on
in a Liveleak video.

Hey, can we add villagers
to the big gun photo,

make it seem like there's not
a Pizza Hut just out of frame?

Sure,
but more importantly,

we have to distract
the voters

from realizing that you're
an unqualified small-time mayor.

The voters accepted me
for being gay.

Surely this isn't
beyond the pale.

People love
that you're gay!

You're the gay, Christian,
liberal, war-loving,

smart guy from Hicktown
they've been waiting for.

Pete, I'm your husband,
and I love you

not because
of your mayoral past,

but in spite of it.

I tell my friends
you make a living

pawning
stolen Afghani relics.

But if voters focus
on the mayor thing,

all they'll see
is Bill de Blasio.

Loser!

Sorry,
that's like a sneeze.

I can't help it.

They're gonna
steal the election

by getting more people to vote
for their side than mine!

This is not
the America

those Kurds you abandoned
fought for.

And the Feds
turn a blind eye.

How do we stand a chance

against this kind
of brazen election fraud?

Don't worry. We can still count
on the Electoral College

to shut all that down.

That stupid Electoral College
failed me in the midterms.

I didn't get
a single vote.

And that concludes

our Democratic Forum
on healthcare.

Thank you, candidates!

That was fun.
Nothing like telling

the middle part
of a half a dozen anecdotes,

then being declared
presidential

because I didn't
call the moderator "Nurse."

You called me "nurse."

Several times.

Can we wrap this up?
I'm on borrowed time.

Hey, Joe,
I was hoping for some advice,

one big-money centrist
to another?

See, I'm a mayor, and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks,
you're just a mayor?

I thought "Mayor Pete"
was an ironic nickname.

I worry
this mayor unpleasantness

could distract
from my actual qualifications,

like how I order pizza
from Little Caesars

in fluent Italian.

Don't worry bout it,
kid.

You'll be fine as long
as you don't tell anyone

who would betray you
in a heartbeat.

Thanks, Joe.

You'll be fine as long
as you don't tell anyone

who would betray you
in a heartbeat.

- Thanks, Joe.
- Start recording!

Pete Buttigieg is nothing
but a podunk mayor!

A mayor, folks!

Spends all day
waving on parade floats,

announcing snow days,
bending over backwards

just to get a new Kohl's
to open up on I-31.

Mayor stuff, you know!

Look,
if you're a billionaire,

quit giving money
to this kid.

Give it to me!
I'll do whatever you want!

I'm Joe Biden
and I approve this message.

Hey! Get that on TV.

He had to rub it in that
the Kohl's deal fell through.

I come to you
with grave news, Mr. President.

The Democrats
are registering voters,

a clear threat
to all that you

and the other Founding Fathers
intended.

I ask for your wisdom
and guidance.

And I have money
if that's what you want.

Dad,
don't be a dumb shit.

How did you find me?
You sent out ten tweets

saying what a dump
this church is.

Look, if you want
to win again,

don't ask these quiet
statue guys for help.

Ask the other guys.

The foreign guys.

It's just
I was already impeached

for my perfect call
with Ukraine.

Then they'd never suspect

you could be that stupid
to collude again, again.

Prove to them
you're that stupid, Dad.

If things get rough,

you can always call
that Russian lady lawyer

I tried to collude with.

Okay, Don.

I'll collude
with the Russians again,

and I'll make sure
this election is as insecure

as Chris Christie
at a pool party!

Nice burn!

He's not even in public life
anymore!

Because I care so much
about election security,

I fired the 40 professionals
in charge of it

and replaced them
with my own crack team.

Say hello to your new
Election Security Task Force!

Ben Carson,
tell the people

how you're gonna safeguard
our elections.

Do we get Election Security
Task Force jackets?

Ben, we're convincing
the country

we have the elections
locked down.

Now I want a jacket.

If you don't get us
jackets,

we're all gonna
suffocate ourselves.

That's too bad because
I'm not getting you jackets.

1989,

Morgan Stanley buys
every employee

a fleece jacket
with a logo on the breast.

Hand to God, the stock
rocketed up a half point.

I assume there was a bag
of cocaine in the pocket?

And I assume
there'd be one in ours.

Where is it?
Let's just move on.

Move on
after what just transpired?

You listen to me,
young man.

Wilbur, I'll give you
a billion dollars

if you tell me
what year it is.

It's 1989, and Morgan Stanley
is the talk of the town.

Well, you're early!

Luckily, I've been shaved
and ready to go

since breakf...
Pete Buttigieg?

Sorry, thought you were
someone else.

I'm always happy to help
a promising up-and-comer

being unjustly harmed
by a scandal of his own making.

I just don't want voters
to focus

on how I'm trying
to be President

when I've only ever been
a mayor.

Pete, I have been party
to acts of darkness

so inconceivable that I hesitate
to give them a name.

But jumping
from mayor to President?

You're on another level,
buddy.

Now, how many people
can verify this mayor thing?

I guess all 110,000 citizens
of South Bend?

That's way too many suicides
to fake.

When you're backed
into a corner,

you gotta just stand tall,

look the American people
in the eye,

and deny it
till your very last breath.

I'm going to say this again:

I have not had mayoral relations
with that city.

During this alleged
"Mayorship,"

I was in Afghanistan,

fighting for people
to take pictures of me.

Do you really think
Jennifer Aniston

would donate $250
to a mayor?

We need to focus
on the issues;

not unfounded rumors
that, as mayor,

I once posed
with an orange tabby

named Mr. Fatso the Catso
on Founder's Day.

What if they find out
I'm lying?

The American people love
being lied to.

It shows you must care
what they think of you.

It's a sick, sexy game,
and I do love it so.

I could use
some foreign assistance,

but I need a go-between,

so I sent someone
very discreet

and careful
with his words.

I got this.

Happy to take a break
from my divorce proceeding.

She said I get
the beach house

if I stop inviting her sisters
to go dancing.

I don't think so,
sweetheart.

Come to me
when you have a real offer.

Go ahead, Rudy.

It's illegal to ask
for Russia's help,

so I'm not asking.
I'm begging.

I'll do
whatever you want.

I'm incapable
of debasing myself.

That ship has sailed.

Stay on topic, Rudy.

We could look into some
of Trump's opponents' e-mails.

E-mails!

I tried to hack into
my soon-to-be-ex-wife's account,

but that AOL
is a fortress.

You think your goons
could follow her around,

set up some cameras
in her tanning bed?

Hey, follow my first two wives
around while you're at it.

I'd love to know
how they're doing.

This is a top priority,
got it?

Okay, now, my second wife,
she takes Pilates

down at
the Gramercy Park Equinox.

That was perfect,
Pete.

Alright, it's time to admit
you were a mayor.

What? I just looked
the American people

in the eye and denied it.

I know, right?
It's messed up,

but the heart of the American
people wants what it wants.

Now read the prompter.

Good evening.
As you know, a few hours ago,

I denied that I had ever served
as a mayor.

While my answers were...
Oh, my God, this is so great.

...legally accurate,
I did not volunteer information.

Disgusting and delicious
at the same time.

They are lapping it up,
Pete.

Indeed, I did have a mayorship
that was not appropriate.

Whoa!

If his husband's fine with it,
I'm fine it.

Being a mayor constituted

a critical lapse in judgment

and a personal failure
on my part...

- This is so bad!
- ..for which I am solely

- and completely responsible.
- We are true animals!

But it is in the past
and it's time to move on.

Cut!
Nailed it, compadre.

What happened to you
after your confession?

Remind me because I was busy
acing grade school.

Short-term: impeached.

Long-term: borderline criminal
tolerance of my behavior.

Russia hacked
Elizabeth Warren's e-mails,

but the raciest tidbit
was her asking her doctor

if drinking half a beer a year
means she has a problem.

We're boned on social media,
too.

Every time I post
that Hunter Biden

doesn't shave his butthole

My Facebook gets locked.

And to reactivate it,
I have to call a phone number!

It sucks so much!

Jesus, who knew stealing
an election could be so hard?

It doesn't have to be.

That is so alpha!
You're my best friend.

You, me, Vegas,
when our schedules line up.

You need to stop bending
the rules

and start ignoring them
entirely.

I can pass a bill
that will deliver you

a win margin
that President Assad

could only dream of.
But what about...

Don't worry
about the Democrats.

There's nothing they won't do
in the spirit of bipartisanship.

I was actually just gonna ask
about election-day snacks,

but that's good, too.

And the
Republican-authored

Election Security Bill
has passed.

It requires
all voting machine servers

to be located
somewhere around here.

The President will sign the bill
at a special ceremony

at the Javits Center because
he thinks it would be funny.

What a win
for bipartisanship!

We haven't read
the bill yet,

but it's got the word "security"
in the title,

so we're confident
it'll get the job done.

Looks like it worked!
To dump the mayor label,

I just had to give so many
head-spinning explanations,

the voters became car-sick.

Great. Now would you stop
your little unceasing quest

for power before you turn
into Bill Clinton.

I am not going
to turn into Bill Clinton.

Matchy-matchy!

It's celebration time.

There's a party jet ready
to take us

to an undisclosed
Caribbean island,

and it's got your name
on it.

Really?
Not your real name,

just the alias
you've been assigned this trip.

That cool with you,
Blampton K. Lutherman?

So I got
this bill signing soon

and just wanted to see
if you're cooking anything up

for the election.
Why bother!

Now that the fix is in,

the Democrats
won't even show up.

You should treat yourself.

Go buy another
really, really big suit.

But I really wanted
the Democrats to try.

If they already know
I'll win,

I might not see them
on election night

flailing around
like traumatized guppies.

Jesus, what did your father
do to you?

Could you scoot
over, Dershowitz?

Your knees
are touching mine.

Congratulations, Petey.

Visiting
infamous island getaways

is the reward for a life
of unchecked ambition

and calculated
ladder climbing.

Which island
are we going to again?

A little place a friend
left me in his will.

Don't worry.
It's still not clear

which country
has legal jurisdiction.

But I built my résumé because
I wanted to be President.

Not to fly to creepy islands
on private planes.

You were always trying
to get on this plane, Pete.

Whenever we acquire power
for no reason

other than the delusion
that we deserve it,

we take one step closer
to that runway.

Almost there.

Everyone pull a burlap sack
over your head

so you can't provide
the island's coordinates

under interrogation.

Yeah, Bill you don't have
to say it every time.

This isn't why
I held a big gun!

Surprise!

♪ For he's a two-term
President ♪

♪ For he's a two-term
President ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold it, stop!

You should be out there
making it look like

this election is still
a 50-50 death match

between a bully
who's just in it for the money

and me, a scrappy orphan
from Brooklyn

with sad puppy eyes
and his drunk dad's left hook.

Once you sign the bill,
the election's over, numbnuts.

We wanted to have
the victory party now,

in case Pompeo pops shrieking
at Terry Gross.

At least
my election security task force

is still working hard
for me.

Election Security task force,
ten hut!

Aren't you all looking like
a million bucks!

That's because our jackets
cost the taxpayer

more than all the furniture
in my office combined.

I chose the fabric,
Ben chose the font,

and Wilbur Ross reminisced
about V.J. Day!

And I chose the stuff
in the pockets.

Put that
in my lower-third.

I chose the flake.

Yeah!

There's my third.

Look what daddy did.

Read his third.

That shit should be
a higher third.

Oh, yeah.

First higher third
in the history of the news.

It all means nothing
if the election is rigged

and everyone knows it.

I don't want a party
or a banner or a cake.

We didn't bring a cake.

You didn't bring a cake?!

I did buy a cake,
but I forgot it

on the roof of my car
when I drove in.

My rear windshield
is delicious.

What happened
to your island getaway?

I bailed. But I kept my eyes
closed on the way down

so I don't know
the island's location

and the Clintons have
no reason to silence me.

Good thinking, but we can
no longer push you

as the fresh, young outsider

now that you've shared
airport nachos

with Alan Dershowitz.
What a mess.

Chasten, let's go home
and stare at the big gun photo.

Actually, my own profile
has been blowing up lately.

I'm doing an Instagram story
with Carly Rae Jepsen today,

and I really can't be dogged
by any Clinton stuff.

Fine.
If I'm not needed here,

why don't I just go back
to South Bend!

Oh, you can never go
back there.

They burn you in effigy
every week.

It's actually really brought
the town together.

Today I actually read

the so-called
"election security bill"

and, as soon
as Trump signs it,

the 2020 election is over.

Rather than confront reality,

I will pen
the next great American novel.

We begin
with a girl named "Rachel,"

whose world is bursting
into flames.

Okay, this officially sucks,
Dad!

My tweets used to get
a million replies

saying my dad
doesn't love me

and I should swallow
my own ass!

Now that the left has given up,
my replies are a ghost town.

What if when the ghosts
are through with Don,

they come find me?

That's it.
I'm not signing the bill.

I just gotta figure out
how to tell McConnell.

Tell me what?

- Aah!
- Oh, hey.

Oh, you know, Mitch,
this bill is so great

that I don't even think
we need the bill.

Oh,
you don't understand.

You're the most damaged
presidential candidate

to ever seek re-election.

You've been impeached,
revived ISIS,

and there's a slew
of Trump impersonators

earning a handsome living

letting strangers punch them
in the face.

Were the insults
necessary?

Your feelings mean nothing
to me.

My purpose is to secure
Republican power

no matter how, why,
or what societal foundations

are obliterated
in the process.

Donald,
you will sign that bill.

Mitch, you dog!
Check it out.

I know a guy in Vegas
who can get us drugs.

So I give Mary Lou Retton
a good solid jolt to the ribs

and a hunk of food
flies out of her mouth.

And guess what she was eating
the night before she won gold.

Go on, guess.

I know the crowd's light tonight

because everyone thinks
the election's in the bag,

but we can still have fun,
right?

Spaghetti?

No, you nitwit!

Who chokes on spaghetti?

It was pork chops.

I know a good happy hour
tonight.

Hey, you in the back.

You wanna pay attention?

We're custodians, man.

Yeah, we don't have
to pay attention.

Hey, shut up!

That's the President!
You shut up!

No, you shut up!

No, you shut up!

I'll tear your ass apart
ass by ass!

You wanna go?
That it, you wanna go?

Anthony, no.
Think of your parole.

Fuck my parole!

Penalties are too harsh
for spray-painting

"Orgy Headquarters"
on your ex-wife's garage.

And we now return to our
canbidate town hall in progress.

Hey, just so you guys know,

"candidate" was misspelled
in the prompter.

It appears
Mayor Bill De Blasio

snuck onto the stage
during the commercial break.

What brings you here
from the big old apple tree?

I figured
I'd just kind of hang around,

let you guys battle it out
for the De Blasio endorsement.

Wow,
a mayor's endorsement!

I'd rather eat what Bailey
left in the yard last night.

"Duhrrr,
I'm Mayor De Blasio

and my job
is opening new bike lanes."

Hey, Buttigieg,
that mayor stuff's behind you.

We've tee'd him up.
Now hit it out of the park.

Well, De Blasio,
you're nothing but a mayor,

which is a commendable job
that's really hard to do.

If you're a dumb loser.

Hey, De Blasio,
what's the matter?

Can't get funding
for your umpteenth dog park?

You're such a mayor,

I bet you stay up
all night

worried your unaudited
actual property tax revenue

won't meet
the adopted forecast

for the city's
fiscal quarter!

Oh!

Kind of a thinker!

This is
Natalia Veselnitskaya.

This call may be recorded
for incriminating purposes.

Hey, you should
make the presidential race

competitive by digging up dirt
on Donald Trump.

I'm pretty sure he laundered
money for the Russians.

Donald,
I know it's you.

You're the only one on Earth
who sounds like you.

Damn it!

Oh!

Donald.

Dooonald!

George Washington?

You were
an American political leader,

statesman,
and Founding Father.

I know you're reading
from Wikipedia.

I guess you're angry
that I'm trying to deny

millions of Democrats
their right to vote.

On the contrary, we founded
this country

with the intention
of limiting voter turnout

to no more than could fit
in a single barn.

I was elevated
to the presidency

by an electorate consisting
of two dozen landowners

and one alleged
libidinous deviant

named Ben Franklin.

Our Ben Franklin
is named Alan Dershowitz.

But we concealed
this imbalance of power

by weaving into our Constitution
a great tapestry of rules,

tricking the common man
into believing all was fair.

That tapestry is shredded
by Sir McConnell's bill.

But if I don't sign that bill,
I'll lose.

Sign that bill and your victory
will be a hollow one.

Don't sign,
and you may risk defeat

unless you try winning
the American way:

by searching
the Constitution

for ways to let
as few non-white people vote

as possible.

The choice is yours.

Hope that didn't hurt.

Totally fine, sir.

I can't feel a thing
from my gums to my toes.

I am!
I'm more than a mayor!

At what cost, Pete?

At what cost?

What are you doing here,
Bill?

I didn't see anything and,
even if I did, I'd never talk.

We had to make
an emergency landing

after your little stunt
depressurized the cabin.

An FBI plane
was on the runway.

Thought they'd arrest us,

but they just asked us
for autographs.

My comeuppance
just won't come up!

That's pretty fucked up.

Hey, I'm sorry for dragging you
on that plane.

When I thought
I saw myself in you,

it was just
the politically savvy,

ladder-climbing parts.

Not the super cool
dude parts.

Thanks. Do you think people will
look past all of my deception?

When you show them your flaws,
they love you even more.

Speaking as someone
who was elected President

with countless rock-solid
accusations dogging me,

voters will accept anything,
even this.

Found it
in your carry-on.

Hope you don't mind if we use it
to wipe our fingerprints

off everything we touched
in that jet plane.

You spared
no expense.

Nice touch to have
the monitors replay

the 2016 cable news footage.

They were
really thrown.

Remember how,
by midnight,

Steve Kornacki was waving a
meat cleaver around the office?

Oh, well, let's get this
over with so I win.

This bill guarantees
that never again

will we endure the stress
of not knowing

the final outcome of
the presidential election.

Donald Trump...

..has been elected
President...

..of the United States?

And I'm not signing it.

I'm vetoing McConnell's bill.

We need election rules
that appear fair

so losers try really hard

and feel terrible
when they lose.

Do we want to live in a world
where they announce

I'm the President as if
it's a foregone conclusion,

without that pathetic gasp
of soul-crushing terror?

Ah, your beauty is wasted
on them, Mitch.

You're an angel in a world
that won't let you fly.

I've got the Constitution
on my side.

No one understands it

except my legion of maniacally
conservative judges,

which means it says
whatever I want it to say.

And if Democrats try
to steal this election

by getting more people
to vote,

I'll win the right way:

by making it
as difficult as possible

for them to vote at all!

That's why I refuse to sign
this stupid bill.

Crap, I ripped the wrong one.

Does anyone have
any Scotch tape?

The Trump administration
has announced support

for a New Voting Rights Act.

"All voters must show ID
indicating

their bloodline traces back

to one of the seven
Mayflower passengers,

and all Miami voting booths
are located

in the middle
of an active racetrack."

Which, according
to the Supreme Court,

is somehow within the bounds
of the Constitution.

Okay,
who drank all my scotch?

And if you say it was me,
you're fired.

Big ups to the Founding Fathers,
boys.

They made it so guys like us
can gaslight the public

into thinking elections
aren't rigged against them.

Is it fair that
so many Democratic districts'

polling places are now
near active volcanoes?

No, it's not fair,
Eric.

It's awesome.

By the way, never go to Vegas
with McConnell.

The whole time, he was just
on the phone with Elaine Chao,

telling her
how much he missed her,

but in, like, a disingenuous
performative way.

Speaking of Democrats,

today Pete Buttigieg delivered
a speech

from South Bend, Indiana,

that took more than a few of us
by surprise.

I was worried voters
would never vote

for a mayor as President,

but Bill Clinton's
and Donald Trump's

election victories prove
that Americans believe

in their democracy,

no matter
what kind of power-hungry psycho

it spits out.

If anything, as a mayor,
I'm over-qualified.

Which is why I'm announcing
my candidacy

for Secretary General
of the United Nations.

But enough about me!

This Auto Zone is now open
for business!

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!