Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Economy - full transcript
After Cartoon Trump discovers that an impending economic downturn threatens his re-election chances, he and his cartoon sons Don Jr. and Eric must con the country into believing the economy has never been stronger.
♪♪
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Ahh!
So nice to get away from politics
and enjoy a pro-military,
corporate-worshipping gladiator match.
And I'm here with my best friends...
the man who picked a fight
with the biggest,
baddest reporter at NPR...
- Hey, hey.
- ... and my two lawyers
banned from giving blood.
We can give as much as we want!
Yeah! They just have to burn it!
Look! It's your big campaign ad!
Shut up, Melania! It's on!
Every night, I talk on
the phone with Jon Voight.
- [BEEP]
- Hello, America.
Let me introduce myself,
because you will never
meet me in person.
I'm Michael Bloomberg,
and I bought out Donald Trump's airtime.
- Oh! What the hell?!
- He already had
a heartbreaking Super Bowl ad!
Eh, no big deal. I got
out the Voight thing.
This cost me $50 million,
but no price is too high
when it comes to buying this election,
so that's basically how
this whole thing's gonna go.
I'm buying this election,
and you can't stop me.
There's nothing you people can do.
I defy you to even try.
Okay. Wow. He's doing it for me.
Okay. That's all I really got.
Looks like we've got
another 30 seconds to kill.
Let's throw in some patriotic stuff.
Looks nice. Yep.
That says it all.
I am not sure what this one is.
No, next.
We're not doing this one. Next.
This is a tourist trap.
What's in that guy's hands? Oh, yuck!
He's right. That is yucky.
So, good luck with your little
football thing, everybody.
I hope the Tigers beat
the Lasers or whatever.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Ugh! Another ad?!
I hate how much they've commercialized
Pepsi Presents Football.
[NARRATOR] Betrayal, wrath, vengeance.
[OWL HOOTS] From the master of suspense,
former National Security
Adviser John Bolton...
Ha ha! Hi, there!
[NARRATOR] ... comes a twisted new tale
of Executive Office intrigue.
"The Room Where It Happened",
available wherever and whenever
it's most financially
advantageous to John Bolton.
Just remember... it seems exciting,
but at the end of the
day, it's still a book.
[NARRATOR] And soon to be
a major motion picture.
Damn it!
[BERNIE SANDERS] These letters
should all be the same size!
Looks worse, but it's better!
[NEWS JINGLE PLAYS]
I'm Lester Holt.
And looking this serious
requires clenching
every muscle in my body.
Despite analysts' predictions,
the economy shows
no signs of slowing, like
a racehorse on its 500th lap
moments before its heart explodes.
President Trump is keeping faith
that our economy will stay strong.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] We
love this economy, huh?!
It's so great that you should overlook
that I cause a biweekly
constitutional crisis!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- And because a vibrant economy
is my only remaining
argument for re-election,
the economy would never forsake us!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Don't worry.
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap
right after I claim to
speak for a higher power
is purely coinci... Aah!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hey, folks, folks, listen, folks.
A lot of people are saying
that I've lost touch,
that before Iowa, I might
accidentally endorse apartheid,
- but I've never been sharper!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I've got great blood
circulation in my eyeballs,
and they haven't found spinal
fluid in my urine for weeks!
Hell, I'm gonna live forever!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap
right after my direct
challenge to Father Time
is just a coinci... Aah!
- Hell, I'm not worried!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
- Aah!
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
♪♪
Dad, my banker friend
Slerve got laid off,
and now he wants to
cancel our hunting trip!
Please inform him that
the economy is the tits
and he shouldn't cancel.
The economy loves you, Slerve.
- Don't lose faith.
- [SLERVE] Yeah, whatever, dude.
Dad, our hotels are half-empty,
and economists say the
first sign of a downturn
is vacancies at overpriced ratholes!
Boys, the economy is testing us,
just like it did in the early '90s,
the mid-'90s, the mid-late '90s,
and every three years since then.
Those were tough times.
[DON JR.] I'll never forget
watching our bank accounts
- flatline.
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[ERIC] I almost swore off money
and became one of those guys
that takes baths in the ocean.
But then the economy
blessed us with a miracle...
money from my daddy and Russia.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just ask my perfectly
calm Treasury Secretary.
Go, go, go! Don't worry about
the suitcase full of cash!
It'll be worthless in two hours!
Where are you headed, 'Nuch?!
To sink your savings into
this roaring stock market?!
Yeah.
Hey, if my wife,
Louise, asks where I am,
ask her what her favorite hobby is
then say I'm buying her
whatever clothes or tools
are associated with that hobby.
What are you waiting for, idiot?!
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Joe, we saw your last campaign speech!
It was magnificent!
Like watching Mozart lead
a symphony of self-delusion.
But we're a tad concerned
that you're not "with it".
Hey, come on, folks! Would
somebody not "with it"
remember every word from
his favorite song growing up?
Come on, folks! Everybody up!
It's time for "Milkshake U-S-A"!
♪ Come on, everybody,
from Nevada to Maine ♪
- Okay, Joe. Got it.
- ♪ It's Milkshake U-S-A ♪
- Joe, that's good.
- Joe, that's enough.
- [SINGING GIBBERISH]
- Well, we can... can it now.
Alright. Stop it!
- ♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
- Jesus, Joe!
If you don't get with
it, you'll lose to Trump,
and there goes the
dream of Milkshake U-S-A!
Oh, crap! Now I am worried!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] This
is gonna sound crazy,
but how important is the
economy to my re-election anyway?
It's the whole thing, pal, okay?
I had Brad run the numbers.
- Who's Brad? Are you Brad?
- [SIGHS] No.
Brad Parscale, your campaign manager.
Oh, the guy I hired because he
looks and acts like the devil?
- [PARSCALE] Sir!
- [BOTH SCREAM]
Polls say that voters'
top issue is the economy,
second is how much money they have,
third is how much stuff they can buy,
- and fourth is abortion.
- Phew!
- Namely, the price of them.
- I call bullshit.
My supporters are all multi-faceted,
emotionally complex,
deeply erotic human beings.
Money isn't everything. It's
not gonna make you happy.
That's why I'm changing
my campaign slogan to
"Make America Meaningful Again".
[MAN COUGHS]
Okay, so, I-I'm gonna head on out.
[SHOES CLICKING]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Okay,
that was fucked up.
They really like money.
Let's get out of here.
This state smells like shit.
[ENGINE STARTS]
God! I'm, like, shaking.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
Welcome to the last Democratic debate
before the Iowa
caucuses, where, somehow,
40% of this entire
election will be decided.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Joe Biden, and I think we're good.
I'm Elizabeth Warren, and
we shouldn't bet on a guy
who's mistaken me for
Hillary Clinton and his wife
in the same conversation!
Hillary, geez! Let's
talk about this at home!
Joe, it's time to step
aside and let a younger,
dangerously unqualified
generation take the mantle.
- It's mine!
- Joe, get...
- Get the fuck out, Joe!
- That's enough!
I can take a hint! I'm no stupid!
Maybe it's time for
Joe Biden to step aside
and enjoy the retirement
he so richly deserves.
[CANDIDATES AND CROWD] Yes!
Or m-a-a-aybe it's time
to show America that I'm
more with it than ever!
[CANDIDATES AND CROWD] No!
I don't care. That's
the one I'm gonna do.
♪♪
Oh, Heavenly Economy,
who art in Wall Street,
please bless me with good news
I can rub in Maxine Waters' face
in my State of the Union speech.
[DON JR. SOBBING]
Slerve!
What's wrong, Don?
Did you just find out I didn't win
North Carolina's Annual
Hefty Dad of the Year Award?
Because of the economy, Slerve
canceled the hunting trip!
Don, you take three
hunting trips a month.
But I was planning to feed
an antelope its own ass!
My God, Don! I had no idea!
[ERIC] Dad, it happened!
I told you your hot wife
would leave you eventually.
Not that yet. We had to
shut down three hotels!
It's as if consumer
appetite for watching rats
gnaw on chrome chandeliers
has disappeared!
Dad, tell everyone the
economists are lying heathens!
Yeah, Dad! Spread the gospel!
I don't know. I never
considered myself a prophet.
I'm just a humble egomaniac
with a complete disregard
for right and wrong.
Hey. A great man once told Slerve,
"The economy loves
you. Don't lose faith".
♪ ominous music plays ♪
- [MOUSE SQUEAKS]
- [GULPS, CAWS]
Wow! If that's not a good
sign, I don't know what is!
I'll do it!
♪ enthusiastic music plays ♪
♪♪
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] The State
of the Union is in 72 hours.
- Miller, how's the writing going?
- Excellent, sir!
Every time I think of a new
euphemism for white genocide,
my [CLEARS THROAT] fiancée
gives me a peck on my forehead!
- [ALL GROAN AND SHUDDER]
- Oh, be happy for me!
Alright. How do we show Americans
that they live on a big, fancy yacht?
I can dress up as a dolphin.
Ben, we'd all love to see
that, but think bigger.
- I can dress up as a whale.
- You see, Ben?
Now, that's an idea!
What else, while we're hot?
Barr, your good name is synonymous with
Christian virtue. What do ya got?
Well, I suppose we could make
it legal to kill economists.
- [ALL GASP]
- Okay.
That's pretty extreme, but
definitely stay after...
I want to game that out.
Uh, I have a non-costume,
non-murder idea.
[ALL] Ooh!
Thinking outside the box,
Larry Kudlow. What do ya got?
Uh, I just realized it
is a costume idea.
Sorry. Lost a step after
the entire decade of cocaine.
[KUDLOW] Costume idea! Oh, yeah!
The American economy
has never been stronger.
If you don't believe
me, direct your attention
to the poorest American, Mike Pence.
I just bought a Rolls-Royce,
brand-name toothpaste,
and a bird that talks.
- Whoo-wee!
- [APPLAUSE]
Michael. What is this?
Oh, my lively butler.
[HUSHED] Just go with it.
I'll explain everything
during our evening side-hug.
[POSH ACCENT] Oooooh!
Do you require anything
else, Monsieur Pence?
Perhaps some salted hand-nuts?
[POSH ACCENT] No, fine lady.
And may I say, you do
look dashing in that frock.
Oh, how I've longed for
the day you'd say that!
But we're from two different worlds...
I a penniless harpsichord
prodigy from Provence,
and you, Paris's most
famous leather salesman!
Leather sales be damned!
I don't need money!
We'll run off to Switzerland
and live in the mountains.
I'll breed sheep,
and you'll milk 'em.
So, you know... things are good.
[BIDEN] I need your
help appearing "with it"!
Tell you what... I'll
show you how to pass
your nanny state bills,
providing everyone
government-issued
breast milk until age 26.
I already have three
co-sponsors on that bill.
Plus, I can't support
you. You're establishment.
Don't you want to hedge your bet
in case somehow America
doesn't go all-in
on a white-haired,
raving Jewish socialist?
Fine. But we can't be
seen together in public.
People don't recognize me anyway.
They think I'm one of those
big dolls you put on your porch
to scare trick-or-treaters!
Because the economy is so bountiful,
we have reached full employment.
And I know it's full because we found
the most unemployable American a job.
I got a job sitting in a field!
Show 'em how it's done, Eric!
No one bother him. He's working.
- [ACOSTA] Mr. President?
- 'Sup?
According to The Post,
in 2005, you said Eric wasn't fit
to look at a field,
let alone sit in one.
Do you expect us to believe that
he's been hired to do just that?
Mind you, he's already sleeping.
[SNORING]
Okay. Forget Eric. Let's
focus on the positive.
Mike Pence found love
with a homely butleress.
You first laid eyes upon me as a butler,
and you'll see me that way
for the rest of your life!
- [SOBBING]
- Abigail! No!
Dad! I wet the field!
[GROANS]
- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MAN] Hey!
It's one of those dolls that
scares trick-or-treaters.
Thanks! Don't forget to vote!
Alright. Let's get me woke here.
I assume the first step is
apologizing for existing!
I'm sooooooo soorrrrrry.
Apology accepted.
Next, you need to learn
to talk about everyone
the same way you talk
about white people.
Got it. I'll talk about
everyone the same,
even this one hepcat
from the old neighborhood.
Went by "Sugarpuff".
He was a bad mama-jamma, old Shug.
Played drums on the corner
by bangin' two switchblades
on a can of sweet potatoes.
And that's why I should be president!
How'd I do?
Maybe stay away from race entirely.
- Got it, chickpea.
- And gender.
But that only leaves three words...
"look", "folks", and "America".
[SINGSONG VOICE] Guess what's here!
It's the Department of Labor report.
Oh, my God, Daddy!
I bet America added so many jobs
that it'll never have to work again!
Is everything okay?
You look like you did when
I told you Jared's religion.
Yes. The economy is good.
That's what it says. "Economy. Good".
Yay!
Can I still afford landscapers
to ride like ponies?
Not only that, you can pay for
their inevitable back surgery.
I don't think I will, but whoa!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
We love this economy, huh?!
It's definitely good!
Otherwise, why would I be
metaphorically showing
up at your door at 2 a.m.
covered in sweat, screaming,
"You gotta believe me"?!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [DON JR.] Dad!
Because you said
that the economy is
rocking my nads again,
Slerve uncanceled the hunting trip!
I'm gonna feed an antelope its own ass!
- [SOBBING] Thanks, Dad!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[CHATTER]
Crap. There's people of color!
I just know I'm gonna
say something dumb!
No, you're not. Just
stick to your words.
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
[GROANS]
Look... folks.
Look... look.
Come on, now!
I mean, geez!
Folks! Trump!
Ukraine! Iran!
This isn't who we are!
Look, look, look! I'm telling you!
You know what I mean, folks?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MAN] My aunt was right! You rock!
I threw in some words
we didn't agree on.
I hope that's okay.
Hey, so, how do I pass
sweeping legislation, anyway?
Alright. Here are the unredacted
Epstein jet flight logs.
It's all the leverage
you need, chickpea.
- Oh, sorry.
- I'll let it slide this ti...
- Holy shit!
- Crazy, right?
Bill Clinton took an eight-hour flight
from Palm Beach to West Palm Beach.
♪♪
[LABORED BREATHING]
Mr. President. Are you okay?
Yeah. It's just the economy,
impeachment, my presidency.
It's all going so well,
it's freaking me out!
- Really?
- Are you saying I'm lying?!
I'm not lying!
- Psycho.
- I heard that!
- Dad!
- Eric's here.
Eric is a worker. Eric,
say the economy is good.
I got fired!
The Chinese bought the field
and even made me train my replacement.
I made a friend for life,
but it was humiliating.
That's good! The economy did that!
The economy is good!
Everything is good!
Yikes! He sounds like
President of the nuthouse.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, more on that later,
because we're joined by
Vice President Joe Biden,
fresh off his show-stopping performance.
Hey, folks, look! I'm with it!
This is America! Come on!
It sure is. And what
a country it is, huh?
And... Oh, my God!
My eyes are bleeding, aren't they?
It appears so. Uh, wow. Gaffe alert.
Ah, crap! I'm rattled!
What was I saying?
Oh, yeah... Back in '59,
Sugarpuff and his friends and
me and my friends... white...
arranged a public fight with
the winner getting to call
Jumpin' Jacks Soda Shop their territory.
I called it off when
a social worker said
Sugarpuff is eight years old.
But that's life in
Milkshake U-S-A, isn't it?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] The State
of the Union is in 24 hours!
Assuming my speech is three hours long
with a five-hour standing ovation,
that leaves 32 hours to fix the economy!
Private-island time. See you
on the other side, everyone.
I'm taking this.
Hey, we can save this
economy, Mr. President.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Immediately inject the banks
with five trillion
dollars in taxpayer cash.
- [KUDLOW] Okay.
- _
So, the bankers gave themselves
five-trillion-dollar bonuses.
In my defense, that hasn't
happened since last time.
♪♪
[OCASIO] Why did you stay
on Meet the Press
for the full hour?
I had to talk about the knife
fight with Sugarpuff's dad.
No, you didn't! That
story was offensive.
And, by the way, no one cares
about these Epstein flight logs.
Somehow, the public is comfortable
with a global sex ring!
Ow! Oh, no!
I can't remember the
lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
[BELL RINGING]
That's the closing bell.
And even though the markets are closed,
the Dow is somehow still erratically
snapping back and forth
between being up 1,000 points
and then down 5,000 points.
And to make this day
even more disturbing,
on my way to work, I saw a
flower wilt in two seconds,
looked in a mirror, and
saw the back of my head!
And last night, I died in my dream.
Needless to say, ladies and gentlemen,
we're witnessing a death blow
to the dynasty that
was the Trump economy.
In my defense, the only
reason I lied about the economy
was because it was easier.
But it hurt total bros like Slerve
who took unnecessary
risks and lost it all!
He had to move from the Upper East Side
to a five-bedroom,
six-bath in Scarsdale!
When he wants to go
home after work drinks,
he has to take the Metro North!
How could a just economy
let that happen to a former
starting midfielder from
the Hobart lacrosse team?!
- [SOBBING] How?!
- You know what?
I don't even believe
in the economy anymore!
Ditto!
[GASPS] Get out of my house!
- Dad! No!
- Where will we stay?!
Oh, yeah. Well, Slerve's, of course.
He's got a theater in his basement.
You ever watch football so loud
it gives you a concussion?
- [ERIC] No, but I'm eager to try!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
♪ suspenseful music plays ♪
The economy is coming
to punish me, Melania.
It's only a matter of time
before I lose the presidency
and everything I've worked
so hard to be handed.
Yeah, yeah. Sounds good.
[NARRATOR] Welcome back to Half-Ton Toe.
Tonight, how could this
mom let her toe get so big?
I just pray the economy is
merciful and doesn't destroy
- my State of the Union speech.
- Mm-hmm.
Any last words before I descend to hell?
You should have gotten that
toe checked out years ago!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[SLEEPILY] Alright, look, folks.
Come on, now. This is America.
[MUMBLING]
What's going on here? W-what's that?
Hey, Milkshake! I've been
looking all over for you!
You remember the lyrics
to "Milkshake U-S-A"?
I'm not tellin'! You'd
forget them anyway!
Oh, I really miss that
song. How about this?
I'll give you the unredacted
flight logs for the Epstein jet.
- Really?!
- Yeah. Got 'em right here.
Hmm.
I don't even know if
I want to see those.
Some of my favorite
directors might be on there.
I won't be able to watch their films
without feeling kind of weird about it.
Come on, man! I gotta
get that song back!
Well, then you'll have to
learn it again in a new way.
Now wake up!
[ECHOING] You're about to piss yourself!
Miiiilllkkkshake!
[THUNDER CRASHING]
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
[RAVEN CAWS]
Oh. You were a bad sign.
Just do it, economy!
Strike me down already!
[RAVEN SQUAWKING]
[GULPING]
Teeeeddd Cruuuuzzz!
Ugh! Jesus, Ted! What
are you doing here?
Well, the ravens can't
escape as fast in the rain.
Screaming to the heavens now, are ya?
I've given up.
I just want the economy
to smite me already.
So you've tried everything?
♪♪
[CRUZ] Here's the thing about
vengeful, omnipotent beings
like the economy.
The only way to atone to them
is to feel pain in their honor.
That's how they know for certain
that your piety outweighs
your self-regard.
So give up Tuesday brunch or something?
- Bigger.
- Saturday brunch?
Offer a sacrifice!
Then, and only then, will
the economy spare you!
It also works for
getting into the Senate!
[BELL TOLLS] It's
State of the Union time!
- [THUNDER CRASHING]
- [SPEAKING IN TONGUES]
[BIDEN] Bill, I'm screwed!
How come you made more
mistakes than I have
and yet nothing sticks to ya?
It's so true.
I mean, I was on that Epstein jet,
and everyone was like, "Well, whatever".
That's what I mean. You're immortal.
I want some of that juju
so I can be president.
Oh, no. It's a curse.
It's only pushed me further
from the American people.
Your mortality is why people like you.
Just like them, you fear losing touch,
so, out of self-preservation,
you retreat to the
blissful days of your youth
when "Milkshake U-S-A"
dominated the airwaves.
And that's a good thing?!
Well, elections fall on days
when the only people around
to vote are elderly, so
you're hot-damn right it is.
Where are you going?
State of the Union is tonight.
I'm gonna show Americans
that I'm as lucid as they are.
Bark, bark! That's
the sound a dog makes!
[ANTELOPE BLEATS]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Would've
been pretty fun, huh?
What? Feeding an antelope
its own ass? Yeah, no duh!
But what do you care?
You know, Don, as bad as we've had it...
my cabinet, us...
we've never really suffered
at the economy's hands.
We went bankrupt six times!
Right, but my daddy
and Russia gave us money
so we had enough to keep the lights on
in our California
king-sized tanning beds.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
But we're suffering now.
I don't get to see an antelope's face
when I reveal that I
just fed it its own ass.
That suffering is not enough
to atone for our crimes.
We need to make a sacrifice.
- Okay, Eric, you're up!
- No, not Eric.
Something that has value.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[MADDOW] Tonight, it's
the State of the Union,
which arrives under a
cloud of both impeachment
and economic doom.
Also under a rain cloud.
It is drizzling outside, one of
those classic Beltway drizzles.
Pace yourself, Chuck.
Oh! And look who's in the chamber.
It's Joe Biden.
Oh, God. What are those dumb lyrics?
- Damn it!
- Hey.
I'm sorry about throwing
that binder at your head.
It's alright. I splurged for
the shock-absorbent hair plugs.
Hey, I'm sorry about running my mouth
like Sugarpuff would
back in the neighborhood.
It's okay. Thanks for... trying to grow.
- I brought you something.
- Whoa-ho-ho!
The lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
Oh, and it looks like the President
is making his way to the podium.
He's got a stalwart, presidential gait.
[SIGHS] He's just walking,
Chuck. Let's listen in.
My fellow Americans, over the past week,
I've been guilty of falsely claiming
that I am a prophet of the economy.
And over the past decade,
we've all been guilty of economic greed.
And now we must repent.
That is why, as an
offering to the economy,
I'm proposing a tiny, tiny, tiny,
for the wealthiest
Americans, tax increase.
[CROWD] No!
Okay, okay!
Or I guess we could
sacrifice... Eric Trump?
What?!
[ALL CHANTING "ERIC!"]
Wow! Look at this, huh?
Eric, they love you!
Ho-ho! What an interesting offer.
What do ya say, Eric?
I don't feel like being the sacrifice!
You be the sacrifice!
You're beefier, so it'll
mean more to the economy.
What do you say, Eric?
- [THUNDER CRASHING]
- [ALL CHANTING "ERIC!"]
Doesn't sound like we have much time.
Holy crap! The markets are going nuts!
Come on, Eric! The Street wants blood!
Eric, it's the job you were born to do.
- ♪ heavenly choir vocalizing ♪
- [ALL CHANTING "ERIC!"]
Okay, okay! Fine!
[BIDEN] Wait, folks!
Wait, wait, wait, folks!
Don't listen to that Russian plant.
We don't need to sacrifice
that tall, blond bellhop
with no eyebrows!
[ALL BOOING]
No, no, no! No joke!
Trump's acting like we
have to please the economy,
like we don't have
control over our fate.
But take it from someone
who refuses to obey the demands of time.
We can intervene.
Vote for me, and we'll stop
letting the economy push us around.
We'll put in the hard work
to turn our economy into
a system ruled by justice!
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Or m-a-a-aybe...
it'd be a lot more fun if we sang
- "Milkshake U-S-A"!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That was my favorite song growing up!
Me too. Tell you what,
you son of a bitch.
You've dragged me through hell,
but we're even if you do you know what.
I declare the State
of the Union to be...
"Milkshake U-S-A"!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Everyone, get on up!
♪ A yummy ice-cream milkshake ♪
♪ Everybody shakin'
from Nevada to Maine ♪
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
♪ Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ay ♪
♪ Malted milk and cow's cream ♪
♪ All mixed up in the thing ♪
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
♪ Well, the principal's tryna
shut our milkshake down ♪
♪ But not even Mom and Dad can
keep this milk out our mouth ♪
♪ Everybody shake from
Louisiana to Maine ♪
♪ In Milkshake U-S-A ♪
People do know there are
other presidential candidates, right?
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
[DON JR.] Eric, I sound
so much better than you.
[ERIC] So, how was
the hunting trip, Don?
Did you feed an antelope its butt?
I wish. Every time I tried
to cut off their asses,
it kind of freaked out.
If it makes you feel better,
I got a job sitting in a meadow.
- That's awesome!
- Spill the deets!
It's more of an unpaid internship,
but y-you never know
where it could lead.
Hey, Dad, you weren't
really gonna sacrifice Eric
to the economy, right?
Well, it looks like
everything's back to normal
except the economy.
Do you think the economy will
ever come after us?
Don't worry, boys. We're rich.
And the economy can
never take that away.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Ahh!
So nice to get away from politics
and enjoy a pro-military,
corporate-worshipping gladiator match.
And I'm here with my best friends...
the man who picked a fight
with the biggest,
baddest reporter at NPR...
- Hey, hey.
- ... and my two lawyers
banned from giving blood.
We can give as much as we want!
Yeah! They just have to burn it!
Look! It's your big campaign ad!
Shut up, Melania! It's on!
Every night, I talk on
the phone with Jon Voight.
- [BEEP]
- Hello, America.
Let me introduce myself,
because you will never
meet me in person.
I'm Michael Bloomberg,
and I bought out Donald Trump's airtime.
- Oh! What the hell?!
- He already had
a heartbreaking Super Bowl ad!
Eh, no big deal. I got
out the Voight thing.
This cost me $50 million,
but no price is too high
when it comes to buying this election,
so that's basically how
this whole thing's gonna go.
I'm buying this election,
and you can't stop me.
There's nothing you people can do.
I defy you to even try.
Okay. Wow. He's doing it for me.
Okay. That's all I really got.
Looks like we've got
another 30 seconds to kill.
Let's throw in some patriotic stuff.
Looks nice. Yep.
That says it all.
I am not sure what this one is.
No, next.
We're not doing this one. Next.
This is a tourist trap.
What's in that guy's hands? Oh, yuck!
He's right. That is yucky.
So, good luck with your little
football thing, everybody.
I hope the Tigers beat
the Lasers or whatever.
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
- Ugh! Another ad?!
I hate how much they've commercialized
Pepsi Presents Football.
[NARRATOR] Betrayal, wrath, vengeance.
[OWL HOOTS] From the master of suspense,
former National Security
Adviser John Bolton...
Ha ha! Hi, there!
[NARRATOR] ... comes a twisted new tale
of Executive Office intrigue.
"The Room Where It Happened",
available wherever and whenever
it's most financially
advantageous to John Bolton.
Just remember... it seems exciting,
but at the end of the
day, it's still a book.
[NARRATOR] And soon to be
a major motion picture.
Damn it!
[BERNIE SANDERS] These letters
should all be the same size!
Looks worse, but it's better!
[NEWS JINGLE PLAYS]
I'm Lester Holt.
And looking this serious
requires clenching
every muscle in my body.
Despite analysts' predictions,
the economy shows
no signs of slowing, like
a racehorse on its 500th lap
moments before its heart explodes.
President Trump is keeping faith
that our economy will stay strong.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] We
love this economy, huh?!
It's so great that you should overlook
that I cause a biweekly
constitutional crisis!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- And because a vibrant economy
is my only remaining
argument for re-election,
the economy would never forsake us!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Don't worry.
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap
right after I claim to
speak for a higher power
is purely coinci... Aah!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Hey, folks, folks, listen, folks.
A lot of people are saying
that I've lost touch,
that before Iowa, I might
accidentally endorse apartheid,
- but I've never been sharper!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I've got great blood
circulation in my eyeballs,
and they haven't found spinal
fluid in my urine for weeks!
Hell, I'm gonna live forever!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
I'm sure the ominous thunder clap
right after my direct
challenge to Father Time
is just a coinci... Aah!
- Hell, I'm not worried!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
- Aah!
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
♪♪
Dad, my banker friend
Slerve got laid off,
and now he wants to
cancel our hunting trip!
Please inform him that
the economy is the tits
and he shouldn't cancel.
The economy loves you, Slerve.
- Don't lose faith.
- [SLERVE] Yeah, whatever, dude.
Dad, our hotels are half-empty,
and economists say the
first sign of a downturn
is vacancies at overpriced ratholes!
Boys, the economy is testing us,
just like it did in the early '90s,
the mid-'90s, the mid-late '90s,
and every three years since then.
Those were tough times.
[DON JR.] I'll never forget
watching our bank accounts
- flatline.
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[ERIC] I almost swore off money
and became one of those guys
that takes baths in the ocean.
But then the economy
blessed us with a miracle...
money from my daddy and Russia.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Just ask my perfectly
calm Treasury Secretary.
Go, go, go! Don't worry about
the suitcase full of cash!
It'll be worthless in two hours!
Where are you headed, 'Nuch?!
To sink your savings into
this roaring stock market?!
Yeah.
Hey, if my wife,
Louise, asks where I am,
ask her what her favorite hobby is
then say I'm buying her
whatever clothes or tools
are associated with that hobby.
What are you waiting for, idiot?!
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Joe, we saw your last campaign speech!
It was magnificent!
Like watching Mozart lead
a symphony of self-delusion.
But we're a tad concerned
that you're not "with it".
Hey, come on, folks! Would
somebody not "with it"
remember every word from
his favorite song growing up?
Come on, folks! Everybody up!
It's time for "Milkshake U-S-A"!
♪ Come on, everybody,
from Nevada to Maine ♪
- Okay, Joe. Got it.
- ♪ It's Milkshake U-S-A ♪
- Joe, that's good.
- Joe, that's enough.
- [SINGING GIBBERISH]
- Well, we can... can it now.
Alright. Stop it!
- ♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
- Jesus, Joe!
If you don't get with
it, you'll lose to Trump,
and there goes the
dream of Milkshake U-S-A!
Oh, crap! Now I am worried!
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] This
is gonna sound crazy,
but how important is the
economy to my re-election anyway?
It's the whole thing, pal, okay?
I had Brad run the numbers.
- Who's Brad? Are you Brad?
- [SIGHS] No.
Brad Parscale, your campaign manager.
Oh, the guy I hired because he
looks and acts like the devil?
- [PARSCALE] Sir!
- [BOTH SCREAM]
Polls say that voters'
top issue is the economy,
second is how much money they have,
third is how much stuff they can buy,
- and fourth is abortion.
- Phew!
- Namely, the price of them.
- I call bullshit.
My supporters are all multi-faceted,
emotionally complex,
deeply erotic human beings.
Money isn't everything. It's
not gonna make you happy.
That's why I'm changing
my campaign slogan to
"Make America Meaningful Again".
[MAN COUGHS]
Okay, so, I-I'm gonna head on out.
[SHOES CLICKING]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Okay,
that was fucked up.
They really like money.
Let's get out of here.
This state smells like shit.
[ENGINE STARTS]
God! I'm, like, shaking.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
Welcome to the last Democratic debate
before the Iowa
caucuses, where, somehow,
40% of this entire
election will be decided.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Joe Biden, and I think we're good.
I'm Elizabeth Warren, and
we shouldn't bet on a guy
who's mistaken me for
Hillary Clinton and his wife
in the same conversation!
Hillary, geez! Let's
talk about this at home!
Joe, it's time to step
aside and let a younger,
dangerously unqualified
generation take the mantle.
- It's mine!
- Joe, get...
- Get the fuck out, Joe!
- That's enough!
I can take a hint! I'm no stupid!
Maybe it's time for
Joe Biden to step aside
and enjoy the retirement
he so richly deserves.
[CANDIDATES AND CROWD] Yes!
Or m-a-a-aybe it's time
to show America that I'm
more with it than ever!
[CANDIDATES AND CROWD] No!
I don't care. That's
the one I'm gonna do.
♪♪
Oh, Heavenly Economy,
who art in Wall Street,
please bless me with good news
I can rub in Maxine Waters' face
in my State of the Union speech.
[DON JR. SOBBING]
Slerve!
What's wrong, Don?
Did you just find out I didn't win
North Carolina's Annual
Hefty Dad of the Year Award?
Because of the economy, Slerve
canceled the hunting trip!
Don, you take three
hunting trips a month.
But I was planning to feed
an antelope its own ass!
My God, Don! I had no idea!
[ERIC] Dad, it happened!
I told you your hot wife
would leave you eventually.
Not that yet. We had to
shut down three hotels!
It's as if consumer
appetite for watching rats
gnaw on chrome chandeliers
has disappeared!
Dad, tell everyone the
economists are lying heathens!
Yeah, Dad! Spread the gospel!
I don't know. I never
considered myself a prophet.
I'm just a humble egomaniac
with a complete disregard
for right and wrong.
Hey. A great man once told Slerve,
"The economy loves
you. Don't lose faith".
♪ ominous music plays ♪
- [MOUSE SQUEAKS]
- [GULPS, CAWS]
Wow! If that's not a good
sign, I don't know what is!
I'll do it!
♪ enthusiastic music plays ♪
♪♪
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] The State
of the Union is in 72 hours.
- Miller, how's the writing going?
- Excellent, sir!
Every time I think of a new
euphemism for white genocide,
my [CLEARS THROAT] fiancée
gives me a peck on my forehead!
- [ALL GROAN AND SHUDDER]
- Oh, be happy for me!
Alright. How do we show Americans
that they live on a big, fancy yacht?
I can dress up as a dolphin.
Ben, we'd all love to see
that, but think bigger.
- I can dress up as a whale.
- You see, Ben?
Now, that's an idea!
What else, while we're hot?
Barr, your good name is synonymous with
Christian virtue. What do ya got?
Well, I suppose we could make
it legal to kill economists.
- [ALL GASP]
- Okay.
That's pretty extreme, but
definitely stay after...
I want to game that out.
Uh, I have a non-costume,
non-murder idea.
[ALL] Ooh!
Thinking outside the box,
Larry Kudlow. What do ya got?
Uh, I just realized it
is a costume idea.
Sorry. Lost a step after
the entire decade of cocaine.
[KUDLOW] Costume idea! Oh, yeah!
The American economy
has never been stronger.
If you don't believe
me, direct your attention
to the poorest American, Mike Pence.
I just bought a Rolls-Royce,
brand-name toothpaste,
and a bird that talks.
- Whoo-wee!
- [APPLAUSE]
Michael. What is this?
Oh, my lively butler.
[HUSHED] Just go with it.
I'll explain everything
during our evening side-hug.
[POSH ACCENT] Oooooh!
Do you require anything
else, Monsieur Pence?
Perhaps some salted hand-nuts?
[POSH ACCENT] No, fine lady.
And may I say, you do
look dashing in that frock.
Oh, how I've longed for
the day you'd say that!
But we're from two different worlds...
I a penniless harpsichord
prodigy from Provence,
and you, Paris's most
famous leather salesman!
Leather sales be damned!
I don't need money!
We'll run off to Switzerland
and live in the mountains.
I'll breed sheep,
and you'll milk 'em.
So, you know... things are good.
[BIDEN] I need your
help appearing "with it"!
Tell you what... I'll
show you how to pass
your nanny state bills,
providing everyone
government-issued
breast milk until age 26.
I already have three
co-sponsors on that bill.
Plus, I can't support
you. You're establishment.
Don't you want to hedge your bet
in case somehow America
doesn't go all-in
on a white-haired,
raving Jewish socialist?
Fine. But we can't be
seen together in public.
People don't recognize me anyway.
They think I'm one of those
big dolls you put on your porch
to scare trick-or-treaters!
Because the economy is so bountiful,
we have reached full employment.
And I know it's full because we found
the most unemployable American a job.
I got a job sitting in a field!
Show 'em how it's done, Eric!
No one bother him. He's working.
- [ACOSTA] Mr. President?
- 'Sup?
According to The Post,
in 2005, you said Eric wasn't fit
to look at a field,
let alone sit in one.
Do you expect us to believe that
he's been hired to do just that?
Mind you, he's already sleeping.
[SNORING]
Okay. Forget Eric. Let's
focus on the positive.
Mike Pence found love
with a homely butleress.
You first laid eyes upon me as a butler,
and you'll see me that way
for the rest of your life!
- [SOBBING]
- Abigail! No!
Dad! I wet the field!
[GROANS]
- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MAN] Hey!
It's one of those dolls that
scares trick-or-treaters.
Thanks! Don't forget to vote!
Alright. Let's get me woke here.
I assume the first step is
apologizing for existing!
I'm sooooooo soorrrrrry.
Apology accepted.
Next, you need to learn
to talk about everyone
the same way you talk
about white people.
Got it. I'll talk about
everyone the same,
even this one hepcat
from the old neighborhood.
Went by "Sugarpuff".
He was a bad mama-jamma, old Shug.
Played drums on the corner
by bangin' two switchblades
on a can of sweet potatoes.
And that's why I should be president!
How'd I do?
Maybe stay away from race entirely.
- Got it, chickpea.
- And gender.
But that only leaves three words...
"look", "folks", and "America".
[SINGSONG VOICE] Guess what's here!
It's the Department of Labor report.
Oh, my God, Daddy!
I bet America added so many jobs
that it'll never have to work again!
Is everything okay?
You look like you did when
I told you Jared's religion.
Yes. The economy is good.
That's what it says. "Economy. Good".
Yay!
Can I still afford landscapers
to ride like ponies?
Not only that, you can pay for
their inevitable back surgery.
I don't think I will, but whoa!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
We love this economy, huh?!
It's definitely good!
Otherwise, why would I be
metaphorically showing
up at your door at 2 a.m.
covered in sweat, screaming,
"You gotta believe me"?!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [DON JR.] Dad!
Because you said
that the economy is
rocking my nads again,
Slerve uncanceled the hunting trip!
I'm gonna feed an antelope its own ass!
- [SOBBING] Thanks, Dad!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
[CHATTER]
Crap. There's people of color!
I just know I'm gonna
say something dumb!
No, you're not. Just
stick to your words.
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
[GROANS]
Look... folks.
Look... look.
Come on, now!
I mean, geez!
Folks! Trump!
Ukraine! Iran!
This isn't who we are!
Look, look, look! I'm telling you!
You know what I mean, folks?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MAN] My aunt was right! You rock!
I threw in some words
we didn't agree on.
I hope that's okay.
Hey, so, how do I pass
sweeping legislation, anyway?
Alright. Here are the unredacted
Epstein jet flight logs.
It's all the leverage
you need, chickpea.
- Oh, sorry.
- I'll let it slide this ti...
- Holy shit!
- Crazy, right?
Bill Clinton took an eight-hour flight
from Palm Beach to West Palm Beach.
♪♪
[LABORED BREATHING]
Mr. President. Are you okay?
Yeah. It's just the economy,
impeachment, my presidency.
It's all going so well,
it's freaking me out!
- Really?
- Are you saying I'm lying?!
I'm not lying!
- Psycho.
- I heard that!
- Dad!
- Eric's here.
Eric is a worker. Eric,
say the economy is good.
I got fired!
The Chinese bought the field
and even made me train my replacement.
I made a friend for life,
but it was humiliating.
That's good! The economy did that!
The economy is good!
Everything is good!
Yikes! He sounds like
President of the nuthouse.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, more on that later,
because we're joined by
Vice President Joe Biden,
fresh off his show-stopping performance.
Hey, folks, look! I'm with it!
This is America! Come on!
It sure is. And what
a country it is, huh?
And... Oh, my God!
My eyes are bleeding, aren't they?
It appears so. Uh, wow. Gaffe alert.
Ah, crap! I'm rattled!
What was I saying?
Oh, yeah... Back in '59,
Sugarpuff and his friends and
me and my friends... white...
arranged a public fight with
the winner getting to call
Jumpin' Jacks Soda Shop their territory.
I called it off when
a social worker said
Sugarpuff is eight years old.
But that's life in
Milkshake U-S-A, isn't it?
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] The State
of the Union is in 24 hours!
Assuming my speech is three hours long
with a five-hour standing ovation,
that leaves 32 hours to fix the economy!
Private-island time. See you
on the other side, everyone.
I'm taking this.
Hey, we can save this
economy, Mr. President.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Immediately inject the banks
with five trillion
dollars in taxpayer cash.
- [KUDLOW] Okay.
- _
So, the bankers gave themselves
five-trillion-dollar bonuses.
In my defense, that hasn't
happened since last time.
♪♪
[OCASIO] Why did you stay
on Meet the Press
for the full hour?
I had to talk about the knife
fight with Sugarpuff's dad.
No, you didn't! That
story was offensive.
And, by the way, no one cares
about these Epstein flight logs.
Somehow, the public is comfortable
with a global sex ring!
Ow! Oh, no!
I can't remember the
lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
[BELL RINGING]
That's the closing bell.
And even though the markets are closed,
the Dow is somehow still erratically
snapping back and forth
between being up 1,000 points
and then down 5,000 points.
And to make this day
even more disturbing,
on my way to work, I saw a
flower wilt in two seconds,
looked in a mirror, and
saw the back of my head!
And last night, I died in my dream.
Needless to say, ladies and gentlemen,
we're witnessing a death blow
to the dynasty that
was the Trump economy.
In my defense, the only
reason I lied about the economy
was because it was easier.
But it hurt total bros like Slerve
who took unnecessary
risks and lost it all!
He had to move from the Upper East Side
to a five-bedroom,
six-bath in Scarsdale!
When he wants to go
home after work drinks,
he has to take the Metro North!
How could a just economy
let that happen to a former
starting midfielder from
the Hobart lacrosse team?!
- [SOBBING] How?!
- You know what?
I don't even believe
in the economy anymore!
Ditto!
[GASPS] Get out of my house!
- Dad! No!
- Where will we stay?!
Oh, yeah. Well, Slerve's, of course.
He's got a theater in his basement.
You ever watch football so loud
it gives you a concussion?
- [ERIC] No, but I'm eager to try!
- [DOOR CLOSES]
♪ suspenseful music plays ♪
The economy is coming
to punish me, Melania.
It's only a matter of time
before I lose the presidency
and everything I've worked
so hard to be handed.
Yeah, yeah. Sounds good.
[NARRATOR] Welcome back to Half-Ton Toe.
Tonight, how could this
mom let her toe get so big?
I just pray the economy is
merciful and doesn't destroy
- my State of the Union speech.
- Mm-hmm.
Any last words before I descend to hell?
You should have gotten that
toe checked out years ago!
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[SLEEPILY] Alright, look, folks.
Come on, now. This is America.
[MUMBLING]
What's going on here? W-what's that?
Hey, Milkshake! I've been
looking all over for you!
You remember the lyrics
to "Milkshake U-S-A"?
I'm not tellin'! You'd
forget them anyway!
Oh, I really miss that
song. How about this?
I'll give you the unredacted
flight logs for the Epstein jet.
- Really?!
- Yeah. Got 'em right here.
Hmm.
I don't even know if
I want to see those.
Some of my favorite
directors might be on there.
I won't be able to watch their films
without feeling kind of weird about it.
Come on, man! I gotta
get that song back!
Well, then you'll have to
learn it again in a new way.
Now wake up!
[ECHOING] You're about to piss yourself!
Miiiilllkkkshake!
[THUNDER CRASHING]
♪ dramatic music plays ♪
[RAVEN CAWS]
Oh. You were a bad sign.
Just do it, economy!
Strike me down already!
[RAVEN SQUAWKING]
[GULPING]
Teeeeddd Cruuuuzzz!
Ugh! Jesus, Ted! What
are you doing here?
Well, the ravens can't
escape as fast in the rain.
Screaming to the heavens now, are ya?
I've given up.
I just want the economy
to smite me already.
So you've tried everything?
♪♪
[CRUZ] Here's the thing about
vengeful, omnipotent beings
like the economy.
The only way to atone to them
is to feel pain in their honor.
That's how they know for certain
that your piety outweighs
your self-regard.
So give up Tuesday brunch or something?
- Bigger.
- Saturday brunch?
Offer a sacrifice!
Then, and only then, will
the economy spare you!
It also works for
getting into the Senate!
[BELL TOLLS] It's
State of the Union time!
- [THUNDER CRASHING]
- [SPEAKING IN TONGUES]
[BIDEN] Bill, I'm screwed!
How come you made more
mistakes than I have
and yet nothing sticks to ya?
It's so true.
I mean, I was on that Epstein jet,
and everyone was like, "Well, whatever".
That's what I mean. You're immortal.
I want some of that juju
so I can be president.
Oh, no. It's a curse.
It's only pushed me further
from the American people.
Your mortality is why people like you.
Just like them, you fear losing touch,
so, out of self-preservation,
you retreat to the
blissful days of your youth
when "Milkshake U-S-A"
dominated the airwaves.
And that's a good thing?!
Well, elections fall on days
when the only people around
to vote are elderly, so
you're hot-damn right it is.
Where are you going?
State of the Union is tonight.
I'm gonna show Americans
that I'm as lucid as they are.
Bark, bark! That's
the sound a dog makes!
[ANTELOPE BLEATS]
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Would've
been pretty fun, huh?
What? Feeding an antelope
its own ass? Yeah, no duh!
But what do you care?
You know, Don, as bad as we've had it...
my cabinet, us...
we've never really suffered
at the economy's hands.
We went bankrupt six times!
Right, but my daddy
and Russia gave us money
so we had enough to keep the lights on
in our California
king-sized tanning beds.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
But we're suffering now.
I don't get to see an antelope's face
when I reveal that I
just fed it its own ass.
That suffering is not enough
to atone for our crimes.
We need to make a sacrifice.
- Okay, Eric, you're up!
- No, not Eric.
Something that has value.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
[MADDOW] Tonight, it's
the State of the Union,
which arrives under a
cloud of both impeachment
and economic doom.
Also under a rain cloud.
It is drizzling outside, one of
those classic Beltway drizzles.
Pace yourself, Chuck.
Oh! And look who's in the chamber.
It's Joe Biden.
Oh, God. What are those dumb lyrics?
- Damn it!
- Hey.
I'm sorry about throwing
that binder at your head.
It's alright. I splurged for
the shock-absorbent hair plugs.
Hey, I'm sorry about running my mouth
like Sugarpuff would
back in the neighborhood.
It's okay. Thanks for... trying to grow.
- I brought you something.
- Whoa-ho-ho!
The lyrics to "Milkshake U-S-A"!
Oh, and it looks like the President
is making his way to the podium.
He's got a stalwart, presidential gait.
[SIGHS] He's just walking,
Chuck. Let's listen in.
My fellow Americans, over the past week,
I've been guilty of falsely claiming
that I am a prophet of the economy.
And over the past decade,
we've all been guilty of economic greed.
And now we must repent.
That is why, as an
offering to the economy,
I'm proposing a tiny, tiny, tiny,
for the wealthiest
Americans, tax increase.
[CROWD] No!
Okay, okay!
Or I guess we could
sacrifice... Eric Trump?
What?!
[ALL CHANTING "ERIC!"]
Wow! Look at this, huh?
Eric, they love you!
Ho-ho! What an interesting offer.
What do ya say, Eric?
I don't feel like being the sacrifice!
You be the sacrifice!
You're beefier, so it'll
mean more to the economy.
What do you say, Eric?
- [THUNDER CRASHING]
- [ALL CHANTING "ERIC!"]
Doesn't sound like we have much time.
Holy crap! The markets are going nuts!
Come on, Eric! The Street wants blood!
Eric, it's the job you were born to do.
- ♪ heavenly choir vocalizing ♪
- [ALL CHANTING "ERIC!"]
Okay, okay! Fine!
[BIDEN] Wait, folks!
Wait, wait, wait, folks!
Don't listen to that Russian plant.
We don't need to sacrifice
that tall, blond bellhop
with no eyebrows!
[ALL BOOING]
No, no, no! No joke!
Trump's acting like we
have to please the economy,
like we don't have
control over our fate.
But take it from someone
who refuses to obey the demands of time.
We can intervene.
Vote for me, and we'll stop
letting the economy push us around.
We'll put in the hard work
to turn our economy into
a system ruled by justice!
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]
Or m-a-a-aybe...
it'd be a lot more fun if we sang
- "Milkshake U-S-A"!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That was my favorite song growing up!
Me too. Tell you what,
you son of a bitch.
You've dragged me through hell,
but we're even if you do you know what.
I declare the State
of the Union to be...
"Milkshake U-S-A"!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Everyone, get on up!
♪ A yummy ice-cream milkshake ♪
♪ Everybody shakin'
from Nevada to Maine ♪
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
♪ Ay-ee-ay-ee-ay-ee-ay ♪
♪ Malted milk and cow's cream ♪
♪ All mixed up in the thing ♪
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
♪ Well, the principal's tryna
shut our milkshake down ♪
♪ But not even Mom and Dad can
keep this milk out our mouth ♪
♪ Everybody shake from
Louisiana to Maine ♪
♪ In Milkshake U-S-A ♪
People do know there are
other presidential candidates, right?
♪ Milkshake U-S-A ♪
[DON JR.] Eric, I sound
so much better than you.
[ERIC] So, how was
the hunting trip, Don?
Did you feed an antelope its butt?
I wish. Every time I tried
to cut off their asses,
it kind of freaked out.
If it makes you feel better,
I got a job sitting in a meadow.
- That's awesome!
- Spill the deets!
It's more of an unpaid internship,
but y-you never know
where it could lead.
Hey, Dad, you weren't
really gonna sacrifice Eric
to the economy, right?
Well, it looks like
everything's back to normal
except the economy.
Do you think the economy will
ever come after us?
Don't worry, boys. We're rich.
And the economy can
never take that away.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!