Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Save the Right - full transcript

♪ Save ♪

♪ The ♪

♪ Right ♪

It was the summer of 2019.

We conservatives
had been forced

to the margins of society.

Why is Facebook censoring
conservative bloggers

such as
Diamond and Silk?

We barely controlled
three branches of government

and could only show our faces

at exclusive
luxury beach resorts.



Many by now have heard
that I was asked

to leave a restaurant
this weekend

where I attempted
to have dinner with my family.

But one day, a humble,
powerless president

stood up and said, "No more."

Aah!
*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*

Climate change is a hoax!
Season 02 Episode 08

Episode Title :"Save the Right"
Sync corrections by srjanapala

This new legislation
will assure election integrity

by mandating that all of Atlanta
share one ballot

and you can only vote if you
just left Clint Eastwood's

latest "white resentment"
blockbuster.

And before you accuse me
of limiting minority access

to the polls,
listen to this cabinet member



I selected
for no particular reason.

I'm cool with it.

Oh-kay, Ben, as long
as you're cool with it.

And to my supporters, harass
anyone who opposes this bill!

Not that anyone will,
because Ben said it's fine.

I'm Rachel Maddow,
and it's not a manic episode

if it's been going on
for three years.

Tonight, we're talking
about the President's

new voting-rights bill
with Senator Elizabeth Warren.

This law will
disproportionately

affect Democrats
and minorities like me...

A-and when I said "me"

I was referring to
the Democrat part...

Oh, shit!

Dad, why are
all these people

treating you like a loser
inner-city kindergarten teacher?

Boys, you're old enough
to know

about the deep generational
wound America has yet to heal...

Bigotry against conservatives.

I first experienced it
in 2011.

I was just
trying to keep my head down

and not ruffle feathers.

Barack Obama
was born in Kenya,

Mohamed Atta
was his college roommate,

and I once talked Michelle
out of strangling a bald eagle.

But Obama just couldn't let me
live my life.

Uh, as you can see in my
long-form birth certificate,

I was born in America,

contrary to
Mr. Trump's assertion.

He was merciless.

He made me feel like I was not

a rightful citizen
of this country!

But conservatives contribute
so much to society.

Arts, sciences, education...
We gutted all that boring shit!

I just wish I showed courage
and fought back.

I've regretted it even more
than telling that waitress,

"We're all set
on breadsticks."

I'm worried. Should I finally
move to Wichita

and just open that
Halloween costume store?

Yes, yes, absolutely yes.

Your bags are in
an idling car outside.

As for the rest of us,

let's pray that tomorrow's
a better day.

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

Good morning, everyone,
from New York.

We're learning the news
along with you.

Twitter, Facebook,
and Instagram

have handed down
a week-long suspension

to a dozen
conservatives.

- Aah!
- And for what?

Simply sending credible
death threats to Trump critics.

This is a worse violation
of rights than Jim Crow,

which I'm absolutely sure
I would have marched against.

One of the
suspended accounts

belonged to noted
conservative and pundit

who says he's not racist
but sure says "Detroit" a lot,

Ben Shapiro,
seen here.

Reparations make no sense

since Obama marked
the end of racism, full-stop.

Poor people are not entitled
to rich people's money,

which they inherited
fair and square.

Now, that's a weird, sexless
leader I want on my team.

Also suspended...
Donald Trump Jr.

What cruel god
would allow this?

I'm just a little kid!

It's only a matter of time
before they find out

that I also tweet.

The left is ferocious!

They won't stop until we show
an inkling of self-reflection.

Tell 'em, Ben.

We must lead conservatives
out of the shadows.

We can't even go
on a bus anymore

without staring at a Muslim guy
and missing our stop!

We must protect our right
to chant "MAGA"

on a cross-country flight
without harassment.

Everywhere I go,
people spit in my face

and handcuff my right wrist
to my left ankle,

and I'm pretty sure it's
because I'm a conservative!

I agree with Ben Shapiro,
Stephen Miller, and Ted Cruz.

Hold your horses.

Susan Collins is all
for taking a stand,

but not if it means
facing any consequences.

Gotta say,
I agree with Collins.

You can't agree
with both sides, Pompeo.

I agree.

But where will
the persecution end?

Today, it's our
Twitter accounts.

Tomorrow, it's our
Yahoo! accounts we only use

for politically incorrect
chain letters.

Will we ever laugh again?!

If you ever
need a chuckle,

you can always kick Pompeo
in the gonads.

That goes
for all of you.

Sorry to interject,

but aren't we the most
powerful people on the planet?

My name's on the money.

If we're so powerful,
how come we're so whiny?!

Mr. President, I support
everything you do,

including when you installed
a pinball machine

on John McCain's grave,

but how do we overthrow
an oppressive system

when our house
is divided?!

Shut up!

If there's one thing
we can agree on,

it's we must kick
Pompeo's gonads.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Great! Now line up.

Just ask
Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi

to get my account
reinstated!

They're basically tech lobbyists
who do politics as a fun hobby.

They won't listen to
a conservative like me.

They don't think of me
as a person,

especially after
I wore ripped shorts

and walked on all fours
to mess with them.

Dad, I consider myself an alpha
male with rhinoceros skin,

but right now this lil' dinosaur
needs some help.

I've never helped anyone,

and I'm not about to lose
my H-Card with you.

Why are you so upset?

Is it because you can't harass
Parkland kids while we bone?

When you're in your forties
and still growing up,

your dad is supposed
to be there for you.

Ah, you're getting
so emotional!

Are you about to ask me
to marry you in an opulent,

Cleopatra-themed wedding
this weekend

at the
Fontainebleau Miami?

Because I booked it,
just in case.

I am not emotional!

I'm just gonna be
a big strong man

and ask Chuck and Nancy
to fix this problem for me!

My crack is sober...
You know what to do.

One beer down the crack,
coming up.

The oppression of conservatives

is becoming
too much to bear.

Uh, no doy!

After my
confirmation hearing,

I couldn't show my face
at O'Shittery's Beer Dump

for three whole
Thirsty Thursdays!

If only there was a way to throw
a big enough tantrum

that this nation gives us
what we want just to shut us up.

Oh, but there is...

What's this a photo of...
A bag of congealed oatmeal?

It's me havin' a good cry!

Do the same until the tears
make such a huge puddle,

it won't be clear
if it's tears or pee.

Everyone will be
afraid to ask,

so they'll just take whiffs
to see if they can smell pee.

Once they're sure it's not pee,
they'll be so grateful,

you'll get exactly
what you want from them.

You're overselling it.
I'll do it!

This country will finally
become a safe space

for everyone who whines
about safe spaces.

The doctors say his gonads
have a long road ahead for them,

so let's hear some love
for Pompeo.

Keep it up, slugger!

Doctor said he's never
seen anything like it.

And a heads up
that Ben Shapiro and I

are leading a movement for
equal rights for conservatives.

- Whoa!
- You're moving too fast!

Society's not ready
for this!

For too long, conservatives
have been in the shadows,

and it's time to show America
that we won't stand for it.

Uh, we have all the money
and all the power.

The only movement I'm for
is to save Pompeo's baby maker.

The doctor said
that's not in the cards.

The stories
of oppression

you're about to hear
are harrowing.

I hope you didn't
eat breakfast.

To be honest, once breakfast
is put in front of me,

I kind of black out,
and next thing you know,

I have to change my shirt.

I was supposed to speak

at University
of California, Berkeley,

about why white people
deserve reparations

for all the times we had to
feel guilty about being white,

and I was run off campus!

YouTube refused
to host my videos

just because I said
all school shooting victims

were portrayed by Oscar-winning
actress Brie Larson

in the performance
of a lifetime!

I just wanna hug him.

So, I'm sprintin' down
a dark freeway

wearing only what God gave me,

and a legion of bikers
is bearin' down on me so close

that their side mirrors
are knockin' my funny bones.

One of the angrier fellas
who had a toddler

smokin' a cigarette
balanced on his handlebars

must've put out a call
because, next thing I know,

green glass bottles are
rainin' down from the overpass

on every side,
and I'm thinking,

"Does this road
ever go downhill?!"

Wow! All for being
a conservative.

Maybe, but more likely I'd say

any one of the nine things
I did that night.

There's a line around
the White House

of conservatives
ready to complain.

How did it get this bad?

Somewhere along the way,

it became okay to discriminate
based on the color

you paint your face
at fraternity parties.

Well,
would you look at this!

Donald Trump Jr.
In my office.

This must be some kind of trick,
so I got the twins ready...

Julian and Joaquin.

I'm not here to wrestle
for dominance.

I'm here to ask for help
getting my Twitter back

before some kid thinks
he can protest climate change

without his sexual orientation
being questioned.

Sure. Why not?

Wait. You're just
gonna help me?

Whenever my dad
does me a favor,

he increases the licensing fee
on my own last name.

Sometimes you tweet
a picture

of Ocasio-Cortez
with devil horns...

And we just
laugh and laugh...

Well, great seeing you.

Tell your father we have
a budget resolution to cave on.

Don, why aren't
you leaving?

Sorry. It's just, you guys
not treating me like ass...

I'm not used to that kind
of parental warmth.

Hey, you guys wanna
get ice cream?! Yeah!

Nancy, Chuck, come on!

One of
the most effective tactics

in any civil-rights movement
is the non-violent protest

that shocks the nation
out of complacency.

That's where
you come in, Stevie.

We need you to step
onto a liberal campus

and get your ass kicked.

And for your efforts,
we offer you...

Nothing necessary.
I live for this.

Good, because that
was the offer.

But what if my natural charm

makes Antifa
refuse to attack me?

Then just
make up a story.

Keep it simple so no one
pokes holes in it.

So then the seven-foot
art-history major

raised his battle axe
and roared,

"Name thyself, conservative
who hath dared pass hither!"

I replied, "Lo, I am an
innocent carpenter's apprentice

here to spread the good news
of common-sense baby caging."

A carpenter's apprentice?

As the vape-smoking beast
chained me to the rack,

his fellow Antifa
begged for my guts

while big-bosomed maidens

cried out for mercy
on the handsome stranger.

Damn it. I'm starting
to get invested.

How did you get out?
Did you use

the sorcerer's gem stone
you found in the brook?

A tale for another day!

- Aww.
- The point is...

If people bought it,

there should be rioting
in the streets.

Nope.

Oh hoh!
Whoa!

This thing is great!

My dad never
let me ride one

because he could tell
I enjoyed it too much.

Whoa!
What happened?!

It's just out of time,
buddy.

You can do one more ride,
but then Nancy and I

have to go back and run
the United States Congress.

One and then one more?

- Fine.
- Yeeeaahhh!

And watch me this time
and give me encouragement!

- Are you watching?
- We're watching.

- Look here!
- Oh, yeah!

I think... I got air!

- Sure. You got air.
- Oh, wow!

Oh, my God.
He's sleeping.

Wake up, Don.
We're here.

Whoa! Thanks for taking me
to Toy Story 4,

and the gummy worms, and picture
next to the movie poster.

Don't thank us.
You wouldn't stop crying

and rolling on the ground
unless we did what you asked.

Well, see you
again soon, champ.

- Don. Everything alright?
- Yeah.

Why aren't you getting out
and going to your home?

- I love you guys.
- Oh, God.

He's imprinted on us
like a duck.

We have to keep him,
don't we?

I heard that! Quack-quack!

Nothing's working.
We need to take a big swing.

How about an executive order
declaring conservatives

are a protected class?
Pffff.

The president
will never go for it.

- What?
- He's got too much on his plate...

Immigrants flooding
over the border,

economic bubble about to pop...
He doesn't care about us.

- Sir, you must know...
- So let me get this straight...

You're just gonna waltz
into the White House,

ask to see the President,

and then after you're ushered
into his office,

he'll say, "Sure, Ben,
whatever you want!"

You're a fucking idiot!
Are you...

It's over!
It'll never work!

So quit living
in your fantasy world!

Sir, did you actually
forget you were president?

I remembered
in the middle,

but it was too late
to turn back.

This executive order
designates conservatives

as a federally protected class,

affording them
such equality measures

as special parking spots

and equal time for a right-wing
sketch comedy show.

Hello, there's nothing
we can't have!

Shut up, nerd!

Boys, let's head
to O'Shittery's!

If anybody looks at us weird,
we burn the place down!

This isn't even
your branch of government.

You're in
the wrong branch!

Okay, you win, psycho.

Welcome, all, to
the San Francisco Pride Parade.

This is so much more fun

than the "Dads For Family
Court Reform" Parade.

And guess what.

I just heard back from our
friends at Twitter headquarters.

We got them to lift
your week-long suspension!

And it only took seven days.
Celebratory selfie!

Say, "I love you and
will always be there for you

in a way that
no one ever haaaassss!"

Well, you're back
on Twitter,

so I guess you don't
need us anymore.

Wait, wait! Oh!
You haven't met Kimberly yet!

You're gonna love her.
She has this hilarious story

about making fun
of a cameraman's gross birthmark

and then it turned out
to be cancer.

She can tell it better.

Tune in to NBC

on Sunday night
for the premiere of

"Koch Industries Presents:
Sunday Night Live"

with host Charlie Kirk
and musical guest Rand Paul,

featuring a digital short
on Planned Parenthood.

I'm gonna be groggy
Monday morning.

Hey. Good morning.

First you go to the gay pride
parade with Chuck and Nancy

and now we're having
dinner with them?

They're a little kooky, but
great if you get to know them.

You got a flyaway hair
right over your...

- Is this her?
- Hello, Kimberly.

You're even cuter
than Don said you were!

Nancy, take the lamb
out of the oven! They're here!

Ahh. What?!

They're here!
Lamb! Now!

So, then Steny Hoyer
says to Dick Durbin,

"Why are you wearing
flip-flops?"

Ahh...

So, Don tells us you're
a conservative firebrand.

Is that fun?

It's the best.
I trigger so many liberals.

Oh, but long-term, she wants
to be an archaeologist.

What? I don't even know
what that is.

I don't either.
Just go with it.

It's fine. Let's just
talk about something else.

Need some wine.

Need some lamb in my...

Ohh! Uh, did you see Don
at the gay pride parade?

I did! Wow!
I haven't seen him that happy

since he blew that silverback's
head off at two yards.

And did he tell you
that, next weekend,

we're gonna go see
glaciers melting?

Oh, the same weekend

as my best friend Katelyn's
gender-reveal party

where they're gonna stuff
a grenade in the cake?

We can just skip it
and go to the birth.

I thought you were just getting
your Twitter account reinstated,

not becoming Al Gore!

My relationship
with Mom and D...

Nancy and Chuck
isn't political!

We're just developing
an emotional connection

as we defend
the nurse's union

and lock arms with the victims
of Standing Rock. Oh, shit!

This is not the selfish brat
I courted to advance my career!

I'm still
a selfish brat.

Uh, I'll go steal a package
off someone's porch right now!

As hot as that sounds,
I'm over it.

Good luck getting
Chuck and Nancy

to pour beer
down your crack.

Why is everyone mad
at someone who isn't Pompeo?

I'll start. Earlier today,
I was minding my own business,

and someone said,
"Good morning."

I'm fine, but I just keep
thinking about what he meant.

"Good morning,
you sad, pathetic weakling

who couldn't even get the
teachers to eat lunch with him.

You speak really quickly
and confidently,

but deep down you know
you're 100% full of shit!"

Everyone thinks
that because we elected

one conservative president,
we finally gained equality,

and that damn
executive order

just gave them even more cover
to hold us down!

We should've listened to
Susan Collins and done nothing.

Sure, we were
only rich and powerful,

but at least
we were happy.

Wrong! We need a public
demonstration so big and bold

that it shifts
the entire cultural paradigm.

- I'm talking a million...
- Wow!

- Man...
- That's me!

- March!
- I'm out!

So this cause isn't important
enough for you to walk?!

I'm all for equal rights,

but not if it makes
my hammies sore.

And to think
I believed in you...

Would it make you feel better
if you kicked me in the gonads?

Yeah.

I'd now like to introduce

- Senate bill 2-9-4-3...
- Hey!

Thanks a lot, Chuck!

There's my boy!
Nancy and I thought

dinner with Kimberly
was a real home run.

More like a loose bat into the
singing hot-dog guy's throat!

Kimberly broke up with me!

To be honest, Nancy and I
thought that girl was bad news.

We found condoms
in her purse.

Ugh! I'm sick of you
always trying to control me!

I'm not gonna go to law school,
get married,

and become
some uptight senator!

Don, I've known you
for maybe eight days.

Are we going to vote
on the bill?

I can't wait
to vote "present."

Don't ever ask
Chuck and Nancy for help

because you'll let them into
your heart and they'll break it!

I cede my time!

That's not how
this works, Don.

- Fuck you!
- Present!

What's your glitch,
Shapiro?

In 2016, I wasn't sure
a nihilistic game-show host

accused of
numerous sex crimes

should be the leader
of the conservative movement.

But then you were elected
president, and I realized,

"Supporting him boosts
my website's traffic."

But I was wrong. You don't
care about conservatism.

You just care about you!

Obviously, I don't care
about conservatism!

I just asked someone which party
has the best racist jokes

and said, "I'm that!"

And guess what! I'm not
telling you any of them!

Go to hell!

Ever since I told that waitress
to stop bringing breadsticks,

I've been living in it!

What are you talking about?!

Live from the
Charles Krauthammer Theater,

it's "Sunday Night Live"!

And here's your host,
Mike Pompeo!

They asked Pompeo and not me?

I'm here
to throw you in jail

for calling someone
the wrong pronoun.

This is only gonna
normalize Pompeo.

So if you were, like, my dad,
what kind of stuff would we do?

Of course.
Uh, we'd go to the movies!

Ooh, that sounds fun.

Yeah, there's this
little underground theater

in a cement basement
on 11th Avenue,

and the movies
they show there,

there's so much blood
and depravity,

I don't know how they
snuck them out of Dresden.

Any other
bonding activities?

Ever been on a police ride-along
when they turn off the cameras?

Ha! You will walk away
with so many secrets.

Yeah, I don't know
if this is gonna work.

Look, if it changes your mind,
I'll take you to a ball game.

I got this luxury box
at Yankee Stadium

that's entirely bricked off...
No one can see in or out.

Got an over-caffeinated
12-year-old bartender...

Yeah, I don't know
if this is gonna work.

Thanks for watching
"Sunday Night Live."

Thank you,
Tomi Lahren, Dinesh D'Souza,

Jacob Wohl, Diamond, Silk...

uh, Michael Flynn,
uh, Michael Flynn Jr...

Yeah, that might be
Stephen Miller.

Are all the nurses pretending
they're on lunch break?

Yep, that's him.
Good night.

Oh, my God. Stevie.
What happened?

Were you attacked
just for what you believe?

Sort of. I was sitting in
a conservatives-only seat

at the movie theater,
and someone told me

to move my big head
a little.

It hurt my feelings so bad,
I called 911.

I'm not sure
how much longer I have

because the doctor
refuses to examine me.

Stevie, Stevie.

You're gonna make it,
God damn it!

If you can survive every
roommate you've ever had

"accidentally"
leaving the stove on,

you can survive this.

I've got to go now,
Mr. Trump,

but next time conservatives are
getting made fun of real bad,

tell them my story.

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- What kind of god would

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- let a man be made fun of?!

- E-e-e-ee...
- It should be me lying there!

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- It looks so comfortable!

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- Why is this loser in my bed?!

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee...
- I want the bed!

Shit! Why did I only
get $800 in quarters?

Whoa! Uh, huh?

Thanks, Kimberly.
You...

I didn't see you
at Fontainebleau.

Sorry about that.

Hey, do you think maybe I was
working through some stuff

when I had Chuck and Nancy
re-birth me

using couch cushions
as the birth canal?

Don, when you let people in
like Chuck and Nancy,

you allow them
to change who you are.

Next thing you know,
you're acting like a baby

instead of
the tough strong man

who made two koalas
play Russian Roulette.

- Yeah, I miss that guy.
- Me too.

And that guy
can let me in,

and I'll never try
to change him,

even if his every decision
is a transparent cry for help.

Cool. Now let's pour
some beer in my crack.

No, Don, let's pour some beer
in our cracks.

How's he doing?

It was a close call,
but he's gonna be okay.

Well, I better go.
I got my Sunday Night Live

audition in the morning,
and I still haven't nailed

Michelle Obama's accent.

Ben. We can't
let this happen again.

Next time,
it could be someone

who has more than
zero contacts in his phone.

But you were right. It's over.
The liberals won.

MSNBC is like
the Fox News of TV.

I thought I heard something
about a march.

You think that's something
the president would be into?

- Did you forget again?
- I did.

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

This is why we fight!

♪ Save ♪

♪ The right ♪

We have got to
save the right!

Tomorrow,
millions of conservatives

are coming here to march,

and I can't think of
one thing to tell them

other than I forgot
to get Port-a-Potties.

Just tell them that, some day,
we will achieve true equality

and be able to wear
a Confederate flag unitard

to SoulCycle.

♪ What do we stand for? ♪

♪ Why do we fight? ♪

♪ To protect the lives ♪

♪ Of rich men who are white ♪

♪ So Rush Limbaugh ♪

♪ Can sleep sound at night ♪

♪ And we are never
held accountable ♪

♪ For a joke we made in front
of a biracial co-worker ♪

♪ This is why we fight ♪

♪ For Proud Boys
and alt-rights ♪

♪ For rich white men ♪

♪ And rich white men's wives ♪

I'm cool with this also.

Conservatives
from all over the country

have gathered in Washington

to fight for the rights
of Republicans

or, said another way,

the President has hosted
a white-power rally.

The Grand Wizard
is about to speak.

♪ Why ♪

♪ We fight ♪

♪ Save ♪

♪ The right ♪

My fellow conservatives,
we have a dream,

a dream that began
on a bridge in Selma

though not the side people
typically think of...

a dream that, one day,

conservatives will be able
to go online

without the fear of someone
teasing them a little bit!

Wow.
What a fuckin' snowflake.

Hey, you guys don't have
a permit for any of this.

You gotta scram.

Oh, why? Because
we're conservatives?

No. Just, everyone
needs a permit.

You don't get
special treatment.

Let us stay!

It's not fair!

We're allowed to be here!

Mommy said so!

You're a bad cop!
Bad cop!

He is a bad cop!

Let us stay, or I'm gonna cry,
and I'm gonna cry and cry!

I hate you!

Is that tears or piss?

Ah.
It's just tears, thank God.

Alright, stay.
Just wrap it up

before the ceramics fair
sets up.

- Yay!
- We did it!

- Hooray!
- The right always wins!

How are your hammies,
Mr. President?

Pretty sore, but I'll just
take a month off work,

wherever that is.

You think
this changed anything?

I'm about to find out.

I'm on my way,
SoulCycle!

Where'd you learn
to cry like that?

Let's just say a couple
kooky cats taught me

how to be vulnerable.

Great news! Before I burnt
down O'Shittery's Beer Dump,

I stole a bunch of kegs
from the loading dock.

- Wanna go drink them?
- Uh,

- Yeah, I think... w-we're alright, though.
- yeah, we're okay.

You guys are huge dicks!

I'm gonna start my own movement
against huge dicks!

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ Save ♪

♪ The ♪

♪ Right ♪

♪ I used to feel like
I could walk the Earth ♪

♪ Like a human God ♪

♪ Now I still am a human God ♪

♪ But I feel like I'm not ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ Leave Meghan McCain alone ♪

♪ Save ♪

♪ The right ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ We gotta save the right ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪