Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Climate Change - full transcript
Our Cartoon President decides to buck his party and reverse climate change to solve his sweating problem while a disheveled Cartoon Bernie Sanders asks Cartoon Mitt Romney to transform him into a polished candidate.
♪♪
[MAN] Welcome to night one of the first
- Democratic presidential debate.
- _
[APPLAUSE]
Good evening. I'm Lester Holt,
the last living good man.
Also joining me, Savannah Guthrie,
Jose Diaz-Balart, Rachel
Maddow, and Chuck Todd,
who, even next to 20
presidential candidates,
seems like an ego-maniac.
Hey, if everyone's saying
you're worse than shit,
you're doin' something right.
Let's meet the candidates.
Audience, please withhold your
"Is this the best we can dos"
until the end.
Mayor, De Blasio.
I'm Mayor Bill De Blasio,
and if I have one weakness,
it's that I work too little.
I'm Tim Ryan. I can't stop blinking.
And every second feels like an hour.
Julian Castro asked to
reserve his introduction time
to later destroy Beto O'Rourke.
- Wait, what?
- Senator Booker?
I'm Cory Booker. If
you don't vote for me,
I'll come to your home,
knock on your door,
and ask, "Why not?"
I'm Elizabeth Warren,
the healthy salad place
that you should eat at,
but Chipotle is right there.
I'm Beto O'Rourke. A bunch of people
told me to run, and
I'm still not sure why.
I'm Senator Amy Klobuchar,
and I'm not the monster...
- ♪ OMINOUS MUSIC ♪
- my former assistants
make me out to be.
I actually have a lot of
[VOICE DEEPENS] good ideas.
[SCREAMING] _
_
[MAN] Jesus Christ!
[HOLT] And there's crazy Russian plant,
possibly a retired
Canadian football player,
and bald guy.
I am so confident, I will
attempt to speak Spanish
without ever having studied it.
Estado unedos es moy bueno e guapo.
You won, Julian. Now stop!
Julian, even I think
you're being too harsh,
and I once made an
intern swallow a battery.
Oh, man! Everyone here is really smart.
Jesus, I'm kicking everyone's ass,
and I still can't stop shaking.
Hey, whoever's in charge of the audio
is definitely the
dumbest one here, right?
He's gonna get the reputation
of being the dumb guy.
No doubt about it.
- [HOLT] Welcome to night 2.
- _
Different ingredients, same
burrito you found in the trash.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Marianne Williamson,
and I want to be
the first quack president
of the United States, baby.
[HOLT] I think it's
safe to skip the next two
unless the audience objects.
Moving on.
I'm Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
I'm so committed to being
president that I've allowed
my city to descend into
a den of racial animus.
Shouldn't you go back there?
Yeah, I'm gonna leave
Miami for South Bend.
Oh-ho-kay, bitch.
Please don't call me bitch.
Vice President Biden?
I promise that as president,
no pile of shit will go un-stepped in.
I'm Bernie Sanders.
My first action as president
will be to clean up the White House.
Pine-Sol the floors, put
Formula 409 in the tubs,
and Windex all the windows.
You are not going to be able to breathe
in there for a month!
I'm Senator Kamala Harris.
I have a black father, Indian mother,
and I'm a women.
I'm a tasty turkey leg in
a trap ready to catch Trump.
Okay, let me see who's left.
And we're good.
Joe Biden, I'm gonna
bus you into the forest
and leave you there.
[SANDERS] Get him, Kamala!
[BIDEN] All right, look, look, look.
Look, look, look,
look, look. Folks, look.
Oh, that's my time.
[BUTTIGIEG] If you need
someone to calm tensions between
Joe and Kamala, I am
[CHUCKLES] not the guy.
[WILLIAMSON] Let's
focus on the real issue.
A cat's in my car and
refuses to unlock the door.
Why isn't anyone asking
Marianne Williamson's
position on busing?
[SANDERS] If Jane was
not in the picture,
I would send a crystal
to Marianne Williamson
with a note saying, "From
your secret admirer."
Everybody come on out. Everyone.
You too, Tim Ryan, let's go!
I want each of you to listen to me.
Next debate, you need to
get your shit together.
You're running for president here.
- [ALL] Sorry.
- Sorry, baby!
[HOLT] It's okay. Joe,
I think we're good.
If you want, we can all
pretend you never ran.
Get you a nice podcast.
[BIDEN] Are you kidding?
I'm setting myself up for 2024!
From all of us here at
NBC News, God help us all.
♪♪
Karma isn't real, losers.
Oh!
♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
♪ It's "Fox and Friends" ♪
You're a good person,
so nothing you do is bad!
- It's "Fox and Friends"!
- _
Well, the the Intergovernmental Panel
on Climate Change just
released another report
saying climate change is real. What?!
Climate change isn't real!
I know because the mountain on my
computer background is
still covered in snow.
If the climate is changing,
how come every day this year
has been the hottest one on record?
Speaking of hotty-boom-bodies,
President Trump
is delivering comments on
the climate report right now.
Calm down. The Earth isn't heating up.
The sun's just bloated from a big lunch.
Mister President, why are you drenched?
I just watched "The Perfect Storm".
That's not how movies work.
Fuck you!
- Today was a hot one,
- _
and that means President Trump
looked absolutely disgusting.
[GROANS] According to sources,
the sweat wanted to roll down his face,
but there was just too
much sweat already there,
so it retreated into his eardrums.
Is President Swamp-ass
finally feeling the effects
of climate change?
You're...
President...
Swamp...
Eh...
It's too hot, forget it.
[GROANS]
What's your strategy
for the debate tonight?
I'm thinking of jumping
on a bunch of stuff.
I'm going to keep
announcing policies that
for some reason people call unlikable.
I'm just gonna say
what everyone else says,
but vaguer and louder.
That was my idea, fuck-nuts!
Hey, who's that guy over there
whispering to his saltines?
[GRUNTS]
Pretty good. That's a good batch.
- Oh, it's Bernie. Poor guy.
- [SIGHS] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Isn't he a front runner?
- That doesn't sound right.
- It's still early!
Look, I feel bad for the old man.
I mean, he's got to be, what,
ten months older than I am?
I'll go keep him company.
Hey, Bernie, what's shakin'?
This economy is completely
rigged against working people.
Jesus, save it for the debate.
I'm sorry. It's just that the economy
is completely tilted against
everyday working class...
Just hey, why don't
you come hang with us?
Cory's showing us a
picture of his girlfriend,
and, I swear to God, it's
the first Google result
for "hot girlfriend."
Uh, I don't belong over there
with you combed-hair types.
You're a front runner, Bernie.
Maybe it's time to
start looking the part.
Get a haircut, buy a suit
you didn't find in a railyard,
scrape off the lozenges
stuck to your necktie.
[LAUGHTER]
I would, but I have to
do my pre-debate ritual
where I go through all 75
punch cards in my wallet.
Yesus H. Kripes.
♪♪
Has anyone seen the President?
- No.
- Nope.
[PANTING]
I thought it might be
cooler under the table,
but Pompeo's ankles
are like space heaters.
Hey, is global warming real,
or is it just a scary story
you tell your kids so they
ask to sleep at their mom's?
Unlike my shit wife's
"film career", it's real.
Okay, who doesn't believe
global warming is real?
So, the four dumbest people in the room?
Okay, it's real.
Oh, what's the difference?
By the time it kicks in,
we'll be dead or living in
space mansions having zero
gravity bunga bunga parties.
How would you get enough
leverage to perform?
Velcro, you idiot.
You think I didn't think of that?!
Let him go. It's not worth it.
[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh! The ice cream truck!
Oh, thank God!
[CACKLES]
Ice Cream! Huh?
- [STEREO CLICKS, MUSIC STOPS]
- Hello, Donald.
Mad Dog Mattis? Sad Dog McMaster?
Third Dog Kelly? What are doing here?
We hit save on our
tell-alls to warn you about
the biggest threat to
our national security.
Dashboard hula girls coming to life
and yanking your steering
wheel into a ravine?
Climate change.
Oceans are rising, and, had you listened
to briefings, you'd know
naval bases are on the water.
And if troops launching
World War Three while wearing
water wingies doesn't trouble
you, take a look at this.
[BEEPING] What's that...
a big sweet roll?
That, sir, is your face.
If global warming continues
at its current rate,
here it is in five years.
Ten years. And twenty years.
Aah! My face!
I'd only be body-hot!
Sir, if you don't do something
about climate change and fast,
you will be the most uncomfortable,
disgusting person on
the face of this Earth.
More disgusting than...
Chris Christie, yes,
even Chris Christie.
♪♪
I'm Chuck Todd, and NBC
won't give me a parking space.
Tonight, the Democratic
candidates compete to represent
the party against
President Donald Trump.
They will be given one minute
to spout poll-tested buzzwords
that I will give zero pushback on.
Let's meet the candidates.
[COUGHS]
Sorry I am late.
I left my ThinkPad at the pharmacy.
Hey! Pump your brakes, chief.
This is for presidential
candidates only.
Hello, operator, I am
a presidential candidate.
Yeah, there's no way a
presidential candidate
has relish on his shirt.
That's why I went to the pharmacy,
to get a new shirt.
[TODD] And please welcome
the Senator from Vermont.
You know this guy... Bernie Sanders.
That's me! Now you let me on that stage,
or you're getting a
knuckle sandwich, pal,
heavy on the relish.
Senator Bernie Sanders? Is he here?
He's probably at home
watching the movie,
"The Socialism Network".
[AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]
Sorry.
[SIREN WAILS] I know
why you're doing this!
Because there's a profit
motive in our prison system!
Watcha doing, Dad?
Thinking about how freaking
huge Andre the Giant was?
I'm just thinking about how
to combat climate change...
and I do my best thinking
sitting in an idling car
inside an idling plane...
on an idling boat.
- [BOAT HORN BLOWS]
- I don't know if I can
solve this issue.
There's no easy fix like
running a full page ad
saying climate change
should get the death penalty.
When you're not feeling up to it,
remember that you're doing
it for the next generation.
Oh, no, I'm doing this
for something important...
me feeling slightly more comfortable.
Right, but you're also
doing it for your children.
You're putting words in my mouth.
Just say, "You can do it, Dad."
- You can do it, Dad!
- You can do it, Dad!
He's totally doing it for us.
No, I'm not!
- [ANNOUNCER] And now, a message from
- _
the President of the United States.
My fellow overheated Americans,
for years, the party I hijacked
as a vanity project refused
to accept the science
behind global warming.
Today, that changes
because I've been getting
really frickin' sweaty,
and I'm sick of it!
Okay, let's go to our first caller.
We don't have callers?
That's a mistake!
I'm here with volatile
tech-freak Elon Musk
to encourage all Americans
to embrace electric vehicles.
Come on, let's take a look inside!
Oh, sorry for the mess.
You can push the cups out of the way.
- [TRASH CLATTERS]
- Wow, folks!
You can see right through the glass!
Now, why isn't it going
vroom, vroom, vroom?
This is an electric car.
It's just as fast as a gas one,
but even more future and cool
for me. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Whoa, no stops at gas stations?
That's the best part.
You pick up a Gatorade,
off-brand gummy worms in
a bag sealed with a staple,
squeeze by a rack of dirty
sodas to hit the john.
You can still go to the
gas station to get, like,
a Sprite or lighter to
light your cannabis joints.
Forget it. Let me know when you
crack the code on
gas-powered electric cars.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
This old vagrant says he knows you.
Sorry for not calling ahead.
My assistant's getting her hip replaced.
So you need my help
to improve your look?
You always look so handsome,
and I look like a ragamuffin.
Meals on Wheels won't stop
chasing my campaign bus.
Hmmm, in 2024, it would be
easier to beat a socialist
than a political dynamo
like Julian Castro.
Heh? You have to speak at
90 decibels into this ear
at this angle.
Uh, sure, I'll help you.
Looking classy is simple.
Every equinox, I
re-lacquer my whole body
and induce a coma so I get five weeks
of rejuvenating bedrest.
You sleep in a bed?
Not three mismatched sofa
cushions laid end to end?
Right. I also rotate my
teeth every 6,000 bites.
Slow down, Jesse Owens.
I gotta take some notes
here on my ThinkPad.
[THINKPAD WHIRRING]
God damnit, it's still updating.
Gonna be about 300 minutes.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
The meat people are
making the planet hot,
so I need the country to
stop eating cows nose to anus
and start eating veggie burgers.
Cory Booker just showed up
because he's a vegetarian.
Actually, I'm a vegan,
and it would be unethical
to not support the President's
leadership on this issue.
As Gandhi once said...
Always with the Mahatma!
Let's get this over with.
[MUNCHING]
What is happening?!
- [SCREAMING]
- Oh, my...
Aaaaah!
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Uh, side-table burger...
I had a terrible dream I
had to talk to Cory Booker.
[SANDERS] ♪ One percent of one
percent of one percent ♪
♪ of one percent of one
percent of one percent of one ♪
♪ Percent of one ♪
[HACKING]
Sorry, doctor says
the mucus is too close
to my heart so they can't operate.
On the trail, you're...
♪ One percent of one percent of ♪
[SNAPS] Bernie, listen!
It's important to show
voters that you don't
eat every meal with a spoon.
Obviously, I can still eat
sandwiches with a spoon.
You are one odd-duck animal.
The next thing is you need
to pull back the accent.
Just talk like a computer.
I told you the god damn
thing is still updating!
- [THINKPAD WHIRRING]
- Why is it so hot?!
Here's the key. Just be agreeable.
Stop saying what you think
and start saying what
they think back to them.
So I should stop cutting off everyone
mid-sentence to shout, "You're wrong!"
Ah, fine, but if this goes kaput,
I get all the fruit in your fridge.
♪♪
Huh. I wonder who sent
a soaking wet package
from the White House.
- Aah!
- Aah!
I can't eat anymore of
those goddamn peanuts!
I can't be seen with you!
Quick, put a tailored women's blazer on.
No one can find out we met,
or Hannity will die of a broken heart.
I'm embracing the green lifestyle,
and my body is rejecting it
like the fiftieth packing peanut.
How do you do it?
I don't live that green a lifestyle.
I eat burgers, ride in SUVs.
You two-faced hypocrite!
You're probably not even
committing white genocide.
I promise I'm committing white genocide.
I just recognize that it
takes collective action
to move the needle on climate change.
So I can live my life
while still supporting
the Green New Deal.
You're saying I can cool the planet,
solve my sweating problem,
and I don't have to give up
my natural spring water toilet?
♪♪
I am supporting the Green New Deal,
which will halt global warming,
watershed moment,
blah, blah, blah, and, most importantly,
stop forcing me to change my
undershirt every three hours
because it turned from
white to canary yellow.
And I was just about to
support the Green New Deal!
- We both know that's a lie.
- Okay.
There's no way any Republican
will go along with this.
Climate change is real, and
it's all our fault, folks.
- Thousands of scientists are saying it.
- _
If that many scientists told
me to stop resting my head
behind tires I would, but
so far only three have.
It feels weird to support the
president and Mark Ruffalo.
I feel like I'm speeding
down the highway in reverse.
We all knew one day the
president would save the planet.
- But I assumed he'd do it by piloting
- _
the Statue of Liberty
right into an alien
spaceship's landing dock.
He's a god, Hannity!
Tie my shoes together,
push me down an escalator,
and let me assist him from the clouds.
I am done here!
Ha! I was right.
There was no way Bernie
Sanders was showing up
to a pharmaceutical industry mixer.
Just be patient. He said he'd be here.
I'm not waiting here any longer.
The CEO of Pfizer is
drunkenly playing hacky sack
with his checkbook.
[MAN] Ladies and gentleman,
the honorable Senator
from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
He's gorgeous!
Senator... you look beautiful.
Yeah, sure. Please tell me my table
is not where the air is blowing.
It dries up my gums, and I can't eat.
Remember, be agreeable and
say what they want to hear.
Shall we?
I mean, we got to split
up these tech companies.
Kids... they need to stop
watching "The Social Network"
and start watching
"The Socialism Network".
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, how's it feel? Sucks, huh?
This Green New Deal has
been driving me bananas.
What's more pressing,
human extinction or bipartisan civility?
Scientists say we have 12 years before
humanity is wiped out,
so what's the rush?
That's three Olympics away!
Bernie, what do you think?
[ROMNEY] Be agreeable.
Hmm...
And for Pete's sake, taste
your food before you salt it.
That way you know if it even needs salt.
I agree with you guys.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
The private sector is
perfectly capable of...
s-solving climate change.
- Uh-huh!
- Uh-huh!
I was just about to
say what Bernie said.
Shut up, Cory. Bernie, I must say,
you keep this up, the Democratic Party
might just have to
board this crazy train.
I'll toast to that.
- To Bernie!
- To Bernie!
♪♪
I'd also like to toast to Bernie.
Cory, you know when someone
wants something so bad
so that's the only reason
you don't give it to them?
♪♪
90 degrees yesterday, 80 degrees today.
Should be a breezy 70 by tomorrow,
then we can shitcan this Green New Deal.
Good news, President
Awesome, the G-20 nations
are putting together a
ceremony in your honor.
I'm not surprised. Has
anyone in world history
done more to solve
their sweating problem?
And there's two young men
who'd like to say "thank you".
Come on in guys. Don't be shy.
"Dear Mister President,"
thank you for stopping global warming.
You are a good president.
Did you always want to be president?
Love, Donald Junior Trump.
"P.S. What time is it there?"
- "Dear Mister Pres..."
- Shut the hell up, Eric.
Kellyanne, what is this?
You put future generations
ahead of yourself,
and now every child will
want to hug your leg.
Yaayyy.
♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC ♪
The most important policy
we can have is unity.
Now I can take a few questions,
but, please, don't get too close
to the Mic. That foam
thing's a Petri dish.
[MAN] Hey, why'd you say
all that lame stuff on tape?
- Yeah!
- That sucked!
What are these kids talking about?
They're supposed to like me.
And another thing. 99% of Americans
are dependent upon government
and believe that they are
entitled to healthcare,
food, pre-schools
not owned by Walmart, you name it.
- Yeah!
- You said it, Bernie!
If you don't make $150,000 a year,
you should not be allowed to vote.
[CROWD CHANTING] Bernie! Bernie!
I agree with what Bernie said.
Shut up, Cory!
What the hell was I thinking?
I got applause from one
guy without a man bun,
and I just went nuts.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Don't come in here unless
you're Scott Baio with a trench
coat full of cool watches.
Are you okay?
Did you remember that you accidentally
kept the XFL offices
operational ten years
after the league folded?
It's cool outside, but
I still started sweating.
How is that possible?
Sometimes we start sweating because of
our feelings on the inside.
Not me, of course.
I've scooped those
out like pumpkin guts.
Tell me how to control
my feelings on the inside.
I beg you!
- So, uh...
- Uhhh...
You can control your feelings...
With this magic...
Chandelier!
Great. How's it work?
Uh, whenever you're
feeling worried, just...
Shake it!
You guys are life savers.
Can someone get some
chandelier clippers?
I'm ruined, and it's all your fault!
Hold on there, Mister.
Everything you said was right.
The only thing you left
out is that people who own
fewer than five horses
should be sterilized.
I don't believe that,
and the only reason I said
any of those things was
because of your bad influence.
Dad, is everything all right?
I heard loud voices
like in a gangster film!
Of course it is, Tagg.
Daddy and Uncle Bernie are just talking.
Your daddy is a real piece of shit.
Holy Store Brand Baloney!
Bernie, it's time to leave.
Tagg, please walk
Bernie down the stairs,
through the library, past the kitchen,
around the second kitchen, past the spa,
down the steps, through
the garden to his car.
_
_
_
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
As long as I have the
chandelier, I'll be fine.
[ANNOUNCER] And now children from around
the world unite in song
in honor of Mr. Trump.
[MAN] Oh, yes!
♪ If we want to save the world ♪
- ♪ And for Mother Earth's health ♪
- _
♪ We must think of the children ♪
[GLASS CLINKS]
♪ Instead of ourselves ♪
♪ So let's start riding bikes ♪
♪ And stop private planes ♪
♪ And recycle our plastics ♪
♪ To cut down on waste ♪
♪ And we'll wash our own clothes ♪
♪ And we'll eat meat-free meals ♪
♪ And we'll grow our own kale ♪
I'm flying back to the White House
to pack up my shit before he gets back.
Excuse me, pardon me, out of my way!
I'll strike you in the throat!
♪ So think of the children
instead of yourselves ♪
Stttooopppp!
Shut up! Shut Up!
I don't care about you kids.
I care about my skin not
making a peeling sound
every time I get out of a leather chair!
I'm pulling out of the Green New Deal!
- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
- Oh, no!
I'm replacing it with the Green No Deal!
If you're not blowtorching
your way through
Glacier National Park, we're
gonna bury you underground
until you're coal.
Enjoy the heat!
[THUDS, AUDIENCE GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
- After President Trump fell unconscious,
- _
the deeply offended
G-20 leaders cheered on
the children as they
drew messages of hope
on the President's face.
The president's sweat
caused the ink to run,
so they all agreed to
tattoo the images instead.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- Bernie!
- Mr. Sanders!
- What were you thinking?
- Is this the end
of your campaign?
If it is, I will retire
and make it my duty to
tell people on ferries
not to lean on the railings.
There's nothing you can't see
if you take one step back, folks.
- Bernie!
- Bernie!
You're pretty lucky your
son has extensive experience
getting tattoos of dicks
removed from his face.
Boys, the Green New Deal is toast,
and my face is melting like butter.
Maybe you can put the
butter on the toast?
Eric, we're gonna go
ahead and reinstate that
"one sentence per day" policy.
I need to stop sweating,
but I want to do it
without leaving even a
single scrap of planet
for the next generation.
Wait a second. Does the Green New Deal
specify how the money is allocated?
Don, it's a spending bill.
It's like the government
passed out in a whorehouse
and everyone has until daylight
to root through its pockets.
[GRUNTS]
The one day I forget my tailbone pillow.
Room for one more human man?
[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm sorry about what
I said, Mitt, and for calling you
a piece of blue-blood shit
in front of your son, Tagg.
[SIGHS] His bedwetting has returned,
but luckily we never took
off the plastic sheets.
How do I do it, Mitt?
How do I look like a nominee
and stay true to myself?
You know, when I was
governor of Massachusetts,
I betrayed my principles
when I passed Romneycare.
Sure, it guaranteed our
residents would never die
due to lack of health insurance,
but it nearly killed
my presidential chances.
I vowed to never betray
my principles again,
and look at me now.
I won the Senate Punctuality Award.
Well, I shared it with
John Thune, but still.
[THUDDING IN DISTANCE]
What in General Mills'
Rice Chex was that?
Thank God you heard that, too.
I thought my sinuses collapsed again.
[DONALD JR.] Thanks to
that Green New Deal cash,
this mega air-conditioning
unit will cool
the entire White House grounds.
Whether inside or outside,
you shalt not sweat.
You forgot the best part.
It's terrible for the environment.
A/C begins in three...
- [WHIRRING]
- ... two... one.
♪♪
♪♪
Should we be worried about
that plume of CO2 gas?
In my experience, nothing
bad's ever happened
involving the word "plume".
_
You're watching a massive
air-conditioning unit
cool the White House
as it shoots deadly gas
- into the atmosphere.
- _
Meanwhile, the average global
temperature is already rising.
Bad news day.
But let's get to the important point.
How will horses dying en masse
affect the electoral horse race?
Coming up, analysis from a
former Reagan speechwriter.
[SANDERS] Oh, no.
If it gets too hot, my
tomato plants are done for.
Alright, I'm gonna go
stop that air conditioner.
Give me some of your pomade
so I can get past security.
Bernie, you don't need that pomade.
You've demonstrated
that you can hang with
the mainstream political
class by hanging with me,
a quarter billionaire whose religion
was invented after baseball.
You be yourself.
I'll help you get through security.
You know when the temperature
is like, you're not sweating,
but you're worried about sweating?
Yeah, you want me to turn up the A/C?
If you're getting up.
[A/C BEEPS]
[RUMBLING]
Sick plume!
Oh, hello, jackbooted pigs.
I'm the 99% here to
confront the President.
Americans should have
clean water for their bongs.
Also, as is customary
for a government moocher,
I've pooped my pants.
Isn't that Mitt Romney?
That guy fired my uncle!
Let's kick his ass!
Ow, oh, ow!
Your grandchildren will
thank you for this, Mitt.
All 84 of them.
Brrr. It's getting a little chilly.
Mind throwing another tire on the fire?
We're out, so Styrofoam it is.
Stop right there, mister!
Ha! What do you want, Crazy Bernie?
To leech off my air-conditioning unit?
Maybe if you stopped
looking for handouts,
you'd work hard enough
to get taxpayers to buy
you a giant air-conditioner.
Donald, you and I have a lot in common.
We both support gun rights,
our base would rather die
than see a woman president,
we both remember
the jitterbug, but
mainly we are outsiders
who wound up in the mainstream.
And it's been uncomfortable.
But we can still pursue
our goals while sticking
to our outsider principles.
How do I do that and
still stop my sweating?
Okay, hear me out. Mesh suits.
Sorry, Bernie.
This is just slightly easier for me,
so it's kind of a no-brainer.
[THINKPAD JINGLES]
Oh, it finished updating just in time.
I'm gonna hack into the A/C
and shut it down for good.
Bernie, your laptop
is glowing white hot.
Do you know if a '94
ThinkPad can run on the X-P?
She's gonna blow!
ThinkPad, looks like you're
going to be rebooting in Heaven,
which is, of course, a made up place
only an idiot would believe in.
[GRUNTS]
♪♪
[BEEPS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
♪♪
- Whoa!
- Bernie, I'm mad
you blew up my air conditioner,
but I'm happy to finally see
a mushroom cloud.
And I'm happy that you've accelerated
this country's decline
so that a class revolution
is basically a foregone conclusion.
Aww, my face is beet red,
and it's not just the
Freon sizzling my skin.
[DONALD JR.] Dad, you're missing it!
After Mass-Extinction-Gate,
the President won't have
the political capital necessary
to solve the climate crisis.
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders
is back at the front
- of the Democratic pack.
- _
I wonder if he's had time
lately to watch the movie
"The Social... The Socialism Network"?
If I hadn't said it wrong, it
would have gotten a big laugh.
Aww. That Freon did
a number on my throat.
Should have never scraped
off those lozenges.
Bernie, that was amazing what ya did.
- You're my hero.
- We all agree you did good.
- Nice job, fucko.
- Why don't you come
get plastered with us
in Kamala's hotel room?
I stole a prisoner's toilet wine.
♪♪
Thanks, guys, but I
still got a few dozen more
punch cards to go through.
Now, let's see here.
I've got an unused ticket
to Staten Island Ferry,
beer parlor two-for-one,
Walter Matthau's business card,
a half a dozen half dollars?
That's why this thing's so heavy.
The important thing is
you tried to save the world
for us, Dad.
I don't care if you
live or die, but thanks.
Dad, you're not sweating
like a hog anymore!
- You did it!
- I sure did,
and all it took was blowing
up half the White House
to get this great cross-breeze going.
Whew!
Whoa! Shit ton of
squirrels in here, Dad.
Don't worry, Don.
They'll be extinct in no time.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!
[MAN] Welcome to night one of the first
- Democratic presidential debate.
- _
[APPLAUSE]
Good evening. I'm Lester Holt,
the last living good man.
Also joining me, Savannah Guthrie,
Jose Diaz-Balart, Rachel
Maddow, and Chuck Todd,
who, even next to 20
presidential candidates,
seems like an ego-maniac.
Hey, if everyone's saying
you're worse than shit,
you're doin' something right.
Let's meet the candidates.
Audience, please withhold your
"Is this the best we can dos"
until the end.
Mayor, De Blasio.
I'm Mayor Bill De Blasio,
and if I have one weakness,
it's that I work too little.
I'm Tim Ryan. I can't stop blinking.
And every second feels like an hour.
Julian Castro asked to
reserve his introduction time
to later destroy Beto O'Rourke.
- Wait, what?
- Senator Booker?
I'm Cory Booker. If
you don't vote for me,
I'll come to your home,
knock on your door,
and ask, "Why not?"
I'm Elizabeth Warren,
the healthy salad place
that you should eat at,
but Chipotle is right there.
I'm Beto O'Rourke. A bunch of people
told me to run, and
I'm still not sure why.
I'm Senator Amy Klobuchar,
and I'm not the monster...
- ♪ OMINOUS MUSIC ♪
- my former assistants
make me out to be.
I actually have a lot of
[VOICE DEEPENS] good ideas.
[SCREAMING] _
_
[MAN] Jesus Christ!
[HOLT] And there's crazy Russian plant,
possibly a retired
Canadian football player,
and bald guy.
I am so confident, I will
attempt to speak Spanish
without ever having studied it.
Estado unedos es moy bueno e guapo.
You won, Julian. Now stop!
Julian, even I think
you're being too harsh,
and I once made an
intern swallow a battery.
Oh, man! Everyone here is really smart.
Jesus, I'm kicking everyone's ass,
and I still can't stop shaking.
Hey, whoever's in charge of the audio
is definitely the
dumbest one here, right?
He's gonna get the reputation
of being the dumb guy.
No doubt about it.
- [HOLT] Welcome to night 2.
- _
Different ingredients, same
burrito you found in the trash.
Let's meet the candidates.
I'm Marianne Williamson,
and I want to be
the first quack president
of the United States, baby.
[HOLT] I think it's
safe to skip the next two
unless the audience objects.
Moving on.
I'm Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
I'm so committed to being
president that I've allowed
my city to descend into
a den of racial animus.
Shouldn't you go back there?
Yeah, I'm gonna leave
Miami for South Bend.
Oh-ho-kay, bitch.
Please don't call me bitch.
Vice President Biden?
I promise that as president,
no pile of shit will go un-stepped in.
I'm Bernie Sanders.
My first action as president
will be to clean up the White House.
Pine-Sol the floors, put
Formula 409 in the tubs,
and Windex all the windows.
You are not going to be able to breathe
in there for a month!
I'm Senator Kamala Harris.
I have a black father, Indian mother,
and I'm a women.
I'm a tasty turkey leg in
a trap ready to catch Trump.
Okay, let me see who's left.
And we're good.
Joe Biden, I'm gonna
bus you into the forest
and leave you there.
[SANDERS] Get him, Kamala!
[BIDEN] All right, look, look, look.
Look, look, look,
look, look. Folks, look.
Oh, that's my time.
[BUTTIGIEG] If you need
someone to calm tensions between
Joe and Kamala, I am
[CHUCKLES] not the guy.
[WILLIAMSON] Let's
focus on the real issue.
A cat's in my car and
refuses to unlock the door.
Why isn't anyone asking
Marianne Williamson's
position on busing?
[SANDERS] If Jane was
not in the picture,
I would send a crystal
to Marianne Williamson
with a note saying, "From
your secret admirer."
Everybody come on out. Everyone.
You too, Tim Ryan, let's go!
I want each of you to listen to me.
Next debate, you need to
get your shit together.
You're running for president here.
- [ALL] Sorry.
- Sorry, baby!
[HOLT] It's okay. Joe,
I think we're good.
If you want, we can all
pretend you never ran.
Get you a nice podcast.
[BIDEN] Are you kidding?
I'm setting myself up for 2024!
From all of us here at
NBC News, God help us all.
♪♪
Karma isn't real, losers.
Oh!
♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
♪ It's "Fox and Friends" ♪
You're a good person,
so nothing you do is bad!
- It's "Fox and Friends"!
- _
Well, the the Intergovernmental Panel
on Climate Change just
released another report
saying climate change is real. What?!
Climate change isn't real!
I know because the mountain on my
computer background is
still covered in snow.
If the climate is changing,
how come every day this year
has been the hottest one on record?
Speaking of hotty-boom-bodies,
President Trump
is delivering comments on
the climate report right now.
Calm down. The Earth isn't heating up.
The sun's just bloated from a big lunch.
Mister President, why are you drenched?
I just watched "The Perfect Storm".
That's not how movies work.
Fuck you!
- Today was a hot one,
- _
and that means President Trump
looked absolutely disgusting.
[GROANS] According to sources,
the sweat wanted to roll down his face,
but there was just too
much sweat already there,
so it retreated into his eardrums.
Is President Swamp-ass
finally feeling the effects
of climate change?
You're...
President...
Swamp...
Eh...
It's too hot, forget it.
[GROANS]
What's your strategy
for the debate tonight?
I'm thinking of jumping
on a bunch of stuff.
I'm going to keep
announcing policies that
for some reason people call unlikable.
I'm just gonna say
what everyone else says,
but vaguer and louder.
That was my idea, fuck-nuts!
Hey, who's that guy over there
whispering to his saltines?
[GRUNTS]
Pretty good. That's a good batch.
- Oh, it's Bernie. Poor guy.
- [SIGHS] Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Isn't he a front runner?
- That doesn't sound right.
- It's still early!
Look, I feel bad for the old man.
I mean, he's got to be, what,
ten months older than I am?
I'll go keep him company.
Hey, Bernie, what's shakin'?
This economy is completely
rigged against working people.
Jesus, save it for the debate.
I'm sorry. It's just that the economy
is completely tilted against
everyday working class...
Just hey, why don't
you come hang with us?
Cory's showing us a
picture of his girlfriend,
and, I swear to God, it's
the first Google result
for "hot girlfriend."
Uh, I don't belong over there
with you combed-hair types.
You're a front runner, Bernie.
Maybe it's time to
start looking the part.
Get a haircut, buy a suit
you didn't find in a railyard,
scrape off the lozenges
stuck to your necktie.
[LAUGHTER]
I would, but I have to
do my pre-debate ritual
where I go through all 75
punch cards in my wallet.
Yesus H. Kripes.
♪♪
Has anyone seen the President?
- No.
- Nope.
[PANTING]
I thought it might be
cooler under the table,
but Pompeo's ankles
are like space heaters.
Hey, is global warming real,
or is it just a scary story
you tell your kids so they
ask to sleep at their mom's?
Unlike my shit wife's
"film career", it's real.
Okay, who doesn't believe
global warming is real?
So, the four dumbest people in the room?
Okay, it's real.
Oh, what's the difference?
By the time it kicks in,
we'll be dead or living in
space mansions having zero
gravity bunga bunga parties.
How would you get enough
leverage to perform?
Velcro, you idiot.
You think I didn't think of that?!
Let him go. It's not worth it.
[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh! The ice cream truck!
Oh, thank God!
[CACKLES]
Ice Cream! Huh?
- [STEREO CLICKS, MUSIC STOPS]
- Hello, Donald.
Mad Dog Mattis? Sad Dog McMaster?
Third Dog Kelly? What are doing here?
We hit save on our
tell-alls to warn you about
the biggest threat to
our national security.
Dashboard hula girls coming to life
and yanking your steering
wheel into a ravine?
Climate change.
Oceans are rising, and, had you listened
to briefings, you'd know
naval bases are on the water.
And if troops launching
World War Three while wearing
water wingies doesn't trouble
you, take a look at this.
[BEEPING] What's that...
a big sweet roll?
That, sir, is your face.
If global warming continues
at its current rate,
here it is in five years.
Ten years. And twenty years.
Aah! My face!
I'd only be body-hot!
Sir, if you don't do something
about climate change and fast,
you will be the most uncomfortable,
disgusting person on
the face of this Earth.
More disgusting than...
Chris Christie, yes,
even Chris Christie.
♪♪
I'm Chuck Todd, and NBC
won't give me a parking space.
Tonight, the Democratic
candidates compete to represent
the party against
President Donald Trump.
They will be given one minute
to spout poll-tested buzzwords
that I will give zero pushback on.
Let's meet the candidates.
[COUGHS]
Sorry I am late.
I left my ThinkPad at the pharmacy.
Hey! Pump your brakes, chief.
This is for presidential
candidates only.
Hello, operator, I am
a presidential candidate.
Yeah, there's no way a
presidential candidate
has relish on his shirt.
That's why I went to the pharmacy,
to get a new shirt.
[TODD] And please welcome
the Senator from Vermont.
You know this guy... Bernie Sanders.
That's me! Now you let me on that stage,
or you're getting a
knuckle sandwich, pal,
heavy on the relish.
Senator Bernie Sanders? Is he here?
He's probably at home
watching the movie,
"The Socialism Network".
[AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS]
Sorry.
[SIREN WAILS] I know
why you're doing this!
Because there's a profit
motive in our prison system!
Watcha doing, Dad?
Thinking about how freaking
huge Andre the Giant was?
I'm just thinking about how
to combat climate change...
and I do my best thinking
sitting in an idling car
inside an idling plane...
on an idling boat.
- [BOAT HORN BLOWS]
- I don't know if I can
solve this issue.
There's no easy fix like
running a full page ad
saying climate change
should get the death penalty.
When you're not feeling up to it,
remember that you're doing
it for the next generation.
Oh, no, I'm doing this
for something important...
me feeling slightly more comfortable.
Right, but you're also
doing it for your children.
You're putting words in my mouth.
Just say, "You can do it, Dad."
- You can do it, Dad!
- You can do it, Dad!
He's totally doing it for us.
No, I'm not!
- [ANNOUNCER] And now, a message from
- _
the President of the United States.
My fellow overheated Americans,
for years, the party I hijacked
as a vanity project refused
to accept the science
behind global warming.
Today, that changes
because I've been getting
really frickin' sweaty,
and I'm sick of it!
Okay, let's go to our first caller.
We don't have callers?
That's a mistake!
I'm here with volatile
tech-freak Elon Musk
to encourage all Americans
to embrace electric vehicles.
Come on, let's take a look inside!
Oh, sorry for the mess.
You can push the cups out of the way.
- [TRASH CLATTERS]
- Wow, folks!
You can see right through the glass!
Now, why isn't it going
vroom, vroom, vroom?
This is an electric car.
It's just as fast as a gas one,
but even more future and cool
for me. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Whoa, no stops at gas stations?
That's the best part.
You pick up a Gatorade,
off-brand gummy worms in
a bag sealed with a staple,
squeeze by a rack of dirty
sodas to hit the john.
You can still go to the
gas station to get, like,
a Sprite or lighter to
light your cannabis joints.
Forget it. Let me know when you
crack the code on
gas-powered electric cars.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
This old vagrant says he knows you.
Sorry for not calling ahead.
My assistant's getting her hip replaced.
So you need my help
to improve your look?
You always look so handsome,
and I look like a ragamuffin.
Meals on Wheels won't stop
chasing my campaign bus.
Hmmm, in 2024, it would be
easier to beat a socialist
than a political dynamo
like Julian Castro.
Heh? You have to speak at
90 decibels into this ear
at this angle.
Uh, sure, I'll help you.
Looking classy is simple.
Every equinox, I
re-lacquer my whole body
and induce a coma so I get five weeks
of rejuvenating bedrest.
You sleep in a bed?
Not three mismatched sofa
cushions laid end to end?
Right. I also rotate my
teeth every 6,000 bites.
Slow down, Jesse Owens.
I gotta take some notes
here on my ThinkPad.
[THINKPAD WHIRRING]
God damnit, it's still updating.
Gonna be about 300 minutes.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
The meat people are
making the planet hot,
so I need the country to
stop eating cows nose to anus
and start eating veggie burgers.
Cory Booker just showed up
because he's a vegetarian.
Actually, I'm a vegan,
and it would be unethical
to not support the President's
leadership on this issue.
As Gandhi once said...
Always with the Mahatma!
Let's get this over with.
[MUNCHING]
What is happening?!
- [SCREAMING]
- Oh, my...
Aaaaah!
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS]
Uh, side-table burger...
I had a terrible dream I
had to talk to Cory Booker.
[SANDERS] ♪ One percent of one
percent of one percent ♪
♪ of one percent of one
percent of one percent of one ♪
♪ Percent of one ♪
[HACKING]
Sorry, doctor says
the mucus is too close
to my heart so they can't operate.
On the trail, you're...
♪ One percent of one percent of ♪
[SNAPS] Bernie, listen!
It's important to show
voters that you don't
eat every meal with a spoon.
Obviously, I can still eat
sandwiches with a spoon.
You are one odd-duck animal.
The next thing is you need
to pull back the accent.
Just talk like a computer.
I told you the god damn
thing is still updating!
- [THINKPAD WHIRRING]
- Why is it so hot?!
Here's the key. Just be agreeable.
Stop saying what you think
and start saying what
they think back to them.
So I should stop cutting off everyone
mid-sentence to shout, "You're wrong!"
Ah, fine, but if this goes kaput,
I get all the fruit in your fridge.
♪♪
Huh. I wonder who sent
a soaking wet package
from the White House.
- Aah!
- Aah!
I can't eat anymore of
those goddamn peanuts!
I can't be seen with you!
Quick, put a tailored women's blazer on.
No one can find out we met,
or Hannity will die of a broken heart.
I'm embracing the green lifestyle,
and my body is rejecting it
like the fiftieth packing peanut.
How do you do it?
I don't live that green a lifestyle.
I eat burgers, ride in SUVs.
You two-faced hypocrite!
You're probably not even
committing white genocide.
I promise I'm committing white genocide.
I just recognize that it
takes collective action
to move the needle on climate change.
So I can live my life
while still supporting
the Green New Deal.
You're saying I can cool the planet,
solve my sweating problem,
and I don't have to give up
my natural spring water toilet?
♪♪
I am supporting the Green New Deal,
which will halt global warming,
watershed moment,
blah, blah, blah, and, most importantly,
stop forcing me to change my
undershirt every three hours
because it turned from
white to canary yellow.
And I was just about to
support the Green New Deal!
- We both know that's a lie.
- Okay.
There's no way any Republican
will go along with this.
Climate change is real, and
it's all our fault, folks.
- Thousands of scientists are saying it.
- _
If that many scientists told
me to stop resting my head
behind tires I would, but
so far only three have.
It feels weird to support the
president and Mark Ruffalo.
I feel like I'm speeding
down the highway in reverse.
We all knew one day the
president would save the planet.
- But I assumed he'd do it by piloting
- _
the Statue of Liberty
right into an alien
spaceship's landing dock.
He's a god, Hannity!
Tie my shoes together,
push me down an escalator,
and let me assist him from the clouds.
I am done here!
Ha! I was right.
There was no way Bernie
Sanders was showing up
to a pharmaceutical industry mixer.
Just be patient. He said he'd be here.
I'm not waiting here any longer.
The CEO of Pfizer is
drunkenly playing hacky sack
with his checkbook.
[MAN] Ladies and gentleman,
the honorable Senator
from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
He's gorgeous!
Senator... you look beautiful.
Yeah, sure. Please tell me my table
is not where the air is blowing.
It dries up my gums, and I can't eat.
Remember, be agreeable and
say what they want to hear.
Shall we?
I mean, we got to split
up these tech companies.
Kids... they need to stop
watching "The Social Network"
and start watching
"The Socialism Network".
[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah, how's it feel? Sucks, huh?
This Green New Deal has
been driving me bananas.
What's more pressing,
human extinction or bipartisan civility?
Scientists say we have 12 years before
humanity is wiped out,
so what's the rush?
That's three Olympics away!
Bernie, what do you think?
[ROMNEY] Be agreeable.
Hmm...
And for Pete's sake, taste
your food before you salt it.
That way you know if it even needs salt.
I agree with you guys.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
The private sector is
perfectly capable of...
s-solving climate change.
- Uh-huh!
- Uh-huh!
I was just about to
say what Bernie said.
Shut up, Cory. Bernie, I must say,
you keep this up, the Democratic Party
might just have to
board this crazy train.
I'll toast to that.
- To Bernie!
- To Bernie!
♪♪
I'd also like to toast to Bernie.
Cory, you know when someone
wants something so bad
so that's the only reason
you don't give it to them?
♪♪
90 degrees yesterday, 80 degrees today.
Should be a breezy 70 by tomorrow,
then we can shitcan this Green New Deal.
Good news, President
Awesome, the G-20 nations
are putting together a
ceremony in your honor.
I'm not surprised. Has
anyone in world history
done more to solve
their sweating problem?
And there's two young men
who'd like to say "thank you".
Come on in guys. Don't be shy.
"Dear Mister President,"
thank you for stopping global warming.
You are a good president.
Did you always want to be president?
Love, Donald Junior Trump.
"P.S. What time is it there?"
- "Dear Mister Pres..."
- Shut the hell up, Eric.
Kellyanne, what is this?
You put future generations
ahead of yourself,
and now every child will
want to hug your leg.
Yaayyy.
♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC ♪
The most important policy
we can have is unity.
Now I can take a few questions,
but, please, don't get too close
to the Mic. That foam
thing's a Petri dish.
[MAN] Hey, why'd you say
all that lame stuff on tape?
- Yeah!
- That sucked!
What are these kids talking about?
They're supposed to like me.
And another thing. 99% of Americans
are dependent upon government
and believe that they are
entitled to healthcare,
food, pre-schools
not owned by Walmart, you name it.
- Yeah!
- You said it, Bernie!
If you don't make $150,000 a year,
you should not be allowed to vote.
[CROWD CHANTING] Bernie! Bernie!
I agree with what Bernie said.
Shut up, Cory!
What the hell was I thinking?
I got applause from one
guy without a man bun,
and I just went nuts.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Don't come in here unless
you're Scott Baio with a trench
coat full of cool watches.
Are you okay?
Did you remember that you accidentally
kept the XFL offices
operational ten years
after the league folded?
It's cool outside, but
I still started sweating.
How is that possible?
Sometimes we start sweating because of
our feelings on the inside.
Not me, of course.
I've scooped those
out like pumpkin guts.
Tell me how to control
my feelings on the inside.
I beg you!
- So, uh...
- Uhhh...
You can control your feelings...
With this magic...
Chandelier!
Great. How's it work?
Uh, whenever you're
feeling worried, just...
Shake it!
You guys are life savers.
Can someone get some
chandelier clippers?
I'm ruined, and it's all your fault!
Hold on there, Mister.
Everything you said was right.
The only thing you left
out is that people who own
fewer than five horses
should be sterilized.
I don't believe that,
and the only reason I said
any of those things was
because of your bad influence.
Dad, is everything all right?
I heard loud voices
like in a gangster film!
Of course it is, Tagg.
Daddy and Uncle Bernie are just talking.
Your daddy is a real piece of shit.
Holy Store Brand Baloney!
Bernie, it's time to leave.
Tagg, please walk
Bernie down the stairs,
through the library, past the kitchen,
around the second kitchen, past the spa,
down the steps, through
the garden to his car.
_
_
_
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
As long as I have the
chandelier, I'll be fine.
[ANNOUNCER] And now children from around
the world unite in song
in honor of Mr. Trump.
[MAN] Oh, yes!
♪ If we want to save the world ♪
- ♪ And for Mother Earth's health ♪
- _
♪ We must think of the children ♪
[GLASS CLINKS]
♪ Instead of ourselves ♪
♪ So let's start riding bikes ♪
♪ And stop private planes ♪
♪ And recycle our plastics ♪
♪ To cut down on waste ♪
♪ And we'll wash our own clothes ♪
♪ And we'll eat meat-free meals ♪
♪ And we'll grow our own kale ♪
I'm flying back to the White House
to pack up my shit before he gets back.
Excuse me, pardon me, out of my way!
I'll strike you in the throat!
♪ So think of the children
instead of yourselves ♪
Stttooopppp!
Shut up! Shut Up!
I don't care about you kids.
I care about my skin not
making a peeling sound
every time I get out of a leather chair!
I'm pulling out of the Green New Deal!
- [AUDIENCE GASPS]
- Oh, no!
I'm replacing it with the Green No Deal!
If you're not blowtorching
your way through
Glacier National Park, we're
gonna bury you underground
until you're coal.
Enjoy the heat!
[THUDS, AUDIENCE GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
- After President Trump fell unconscious,
- _
the deeply offended
G-20 leaders cheered on
the children as they
drew messages of hope
on the President's face.
The president's sweat
caused the ink to run,
so they all agreed to
tattoo the images instead.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- Bernie!
- Mr. Sanders!
- What were you thinking?
- Is this the end
of your campaign?
If it is, I will retire
and make it my duty to
tell people on ferries
not to lean on the railings.
There's nothing you can't see
if you take one step back, folks.
- Bernie!
- Bernie!
You're pretty lucky your
son has extensive experience
getting tattoos of dicks
removed from his face.
Boys, the Green New Deal is toast,
and my face is melting like butter.
Maybe you can put the
butter on the toast?
Eric, we're gonna go
ahead and reinstate that
"one sentence per day" policy.
I need to stop sweating,
but I want to do it
without leaving even a
single scrap of planet
for the next generation.
Wait a second. Does the Green New Deal
specify how the money is allocated?
Don, it's a spending bill.
It's like the government
passed out in a whorehouse
and everyone has until daylight
to root through its pockets.
[GRUNTS]
The one day I forget my tailbone pillow.
Room for one more human man?
[EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm sorry about what
I said, Mitt, and for calling you
a piece of blue-blood shit
in front of your son, Tagg.
[SIGHS] His bedwetting has returned,
but luckily we never took
off the plastic sheets.
How do I do it, Mitt?
How do I look like a nominee
and stay true to myself?
You know, when I was
governor of Massachusetts,
I betrayed my principles
when I passed Romneycare.
Sure, it guaranteed our
residents would never die
due to lack of health insurance,
but it nearly killed
my presidential chances.
I vowed to never betray
my principles again,
and look at me now.
I won the Senate Punctuality Award.
Well, I shared it with
John Thune, but still.
[THUDDING IN DISTANCE]
What in General Mills'
Rice Chex was that?
Thank God you heard that, too.
I thought my sinuses collapsed again.
[DONALD JR.] Thanks to
that Green New Deal cash,
this mega air-conditioning
unit will cool
the entire White House grounds.
Whether inside or outside,
you shalt not sweat.
You forgot the best part.
It's terrible for the environment.
A/C begins in three...
- [WHIRRING]
- ... two... one.
♪♪
♪♪
Should we be worried about
that plume of CO2 gas?
In my experience, nothing
bad's ever happened
involving the word "plume".
_
You're watching a massive
air-conditioning unit
cool the White House
as it shoots deadly gas
- into the atmosphere.
- _
Meanwhile, the average global
temperature is already rising.
Bad news day.
But let's get to the important point.
How will horses dying en masse
affect the electoral horse race?
Coming up, analysis from a
former Reagan speechwriter.
[SANDERS] Oh, no.
If it gets too hot, my
tomato plants are done for.
Alright, I'm gonna go
stop that air conditioner.
Give me some of your pomade
so I can get past security.
Bernie, you don't need that pomade.
You've demonstrated
that you can hang with
the mainstream political
class by hanging with me,
a quarter billionaire whose religion
was invented after baseball.
You be yourself.
I'll help you get through security.
You know when the temperature
is like, you're not sweating,
but you're worried about sweating?
Yeah, you want me to turn up the A/C?
If you're getting up.
[A/C BEEPS]
[RUMBLING]
Sick plume!
Oh, hello, jackbooted pigs.
I'm the 99% here to
confront the President.
Americans should have
clean water for their bongs.
Also, as is customary
for a government moocher,
I've pooped my pants.
Isn't that Mitt Romney?
That guy fired my uncle!
Let's kick his ass!
Ow, oh, ow!
Your grandchildren will
thank you for this, Mitt.
All 84 of them.
Brrr. It's getting a little chilly.
Mind throwing another tire on the fire?
We're out, so Styrofoam it is.
Stop right there, mister!
Ha! What do you want, Crazy Bernie?
To leech off my air-conditioning unit?
Maybe if you stopped
looking for handouts,
you'd work hard enough
to get taxpayers to buy
you a giant air-conditioner.
Donald, you and I have a lot in common.
We both support gun rights,
our base would rather die
than see a woman president,
we both remember
the jitterbug, but
mainly we are outsiders
who wound up in the mainstream.
And it's been uncomfortable.
But we can still pursue
our goals while sticking
to our outsider principles.
How do I do that and
still stop my sweating?
Okay, hear me out. Mesh suits.
Sorry, Bernie.
This is just slightly easier for me,
so it's kind of a no-brainer.
[THINKPAD JINGLES]
Oh, it finished updating just in time.
I'm gonna hack into the A/C
and shut it down for good.
Bernie, your laptop
is glowing white hot.
Do you know if a '94
ThinkPad can run on the X-P?
She's gonna blow!
ThinkPad, looks like you're
going to be rebooting in Heaven,
which is, of course, a made up place
only an idiot would believe in.
[GRUNTS]
♪♪
[BEEPS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
♪♪
- Whoa!
- Bernie, I'm mad
you blew up my air conditioner,
but I'm happy to finally see
a mushroom cloud.
And I'm happy that you've accelerated
this country's decline
so that a class revolution
is basically a foregone conclusion.
Aww, my face is beet red,
and it's not just the
Freon sizzling my skin.
[DONALD JR.] Dad, you're missing it!
After Mass-Extinction-Gate,
the President won't have
the political capital necessary
to solve the climate crisis.
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders
is back at the front
- of the Democratic pack.
- _
I wonder if he's had time
lately to watch the movie
"The Social... The Socialism Network"?
If I hadn't said it wrong, it
would have gotten a big laugh.
Aww. That Freon did
a number on my throat.
Should have never scraped
off those lozenges.
Bernie, that was amazing what ya did.
- You're my hero.
- We all agree you did good.
- Nice job, fucko.
- Why don't you come
get plastered with us
in Kamala's hotel room?
I stole a prisoner's toilet wine.
♪♪
Thanks, guys, but I
still got a few dozen more
punch cards to go through.
Now, let's see here.
I've got an unused ticket
to Staten Island Ferry,
beer parlor two-for-one,
Walter Matthau's business card,
a half a dozen half dollars?
That's why this thing's so heavy.
The important thing is
you tried to save the world
for us, Dad.
I don't care if you
live or die, but thanks.
Dad, you're not sweating
like a hog anymore!
- You did it!
- I sure did,
and all it took was blowing
up half the White House
to get this great cross-breeze going.
Whew!
Whoa! Shit ton of
squirrels in here, Dad.
Don't worry, Don.
They'll be extinct in no time.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!