Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Supreme Court - full transcript
Our Cartoon President schmoozes the Supreme Court at Mar-A-Lago to ensure the Court upholds his right to commit crimes while Cartoon Eric attempts to babysit an intoxicated Cartoon Brett Kavanaugh.
U-S-A!
Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,
guys who've punched
a claw machine,
people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,
teens who will have their
Ivy League admission rescinded,
and other shrieking jackals!
I'm here to announce that,
in 2020,
win or lose,
I will win the election!
I'm walking over here now...
showing you
that I'm keepin' it loose...
proving to everyone that
I can be a tough walkin' man.
And now I'm moseying on back.
Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
I am now accepting
foreign intelligence
on my Democratic opponents.
Simply call the number below!
Operators are standing by!
No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!
So many people
have made tonight possible,
but none more so than
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
You two have done
absolutely nothing to stop me,
and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog
watching the house
get robbed.
You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!
You're being
too pushy.
Thank you, Mr. President.
- Thank you, everyone!
- You're making us blush!
For more on
my second-term agenda,
please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!
If you thought
President Trump's first term
got your pulse pounding,
his second term
will make your heart explode.
National Guard... on speed dial.
Nuclear secrets... for sale.
Basic human decency... buh-bye!
And think Trump
can't spell any worse?
Think aglenn.
Donald Trump 2020.
You're Gonna Get
a Rash, Buster.
Alright!
Who wants pig hearts?!
Not enough to go around,
so start clawing!
*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Season 02 Episode 07
*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Episode Title : "Supreme Court"
Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?
Yeah, Dad.
No one will bother us.
Okay, let's talk
shady self-enrichment!
How's our
Washington hotel?
We're killing it!
The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.
It's floor-to-ceiling
french toast!
Okay, let's hear
from my favorite son.
- Ivanka?
- Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury
and said on the weekends,
anything goes!
What the hell,
Pompeo?!
Hey, is this sock on
the doorknob up for grabs?
- It's pretty nice.
- La. la la la la!
I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
Look what you did, Pompeo!
You take the crime sock
off the door,
and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!
So... can I put this
on my foot or...?
Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,
you still have to worry
about the money laundering,
the campaign finance
violations,
and those other crimes
I won't mention in case
there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.
Hello. I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?
I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.
Okay, it is far from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court
will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.
Of course
they will, Jared.
The ruling was foretold in
the Great Prophecy of Valantium.
Let me ask you.
H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?
If you spent less time
in the weight room
and more time in class,
you would know that...
every
half moon, the Supreme Court
rises out of the ancient swamps
of Kilga-Goranth
to exact their
righteous judgment on our kind.
The big, buff justices
wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on
even when they go through
airport security.
♪ Justice ♪
You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.
Ooh, justice!
Mmm, justice.
Ooh, justice.
I'm Jake Tapper,
and I go to movies
just to shush stepdads
and their sons.
Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference
and discussed the power
of the president
to pardon himself.
Take a look.
Obviously, I'm not going to
present my opinion here,
but I will say that
presidential power
is not absolute.
Here to analyze
Roberts' comments
is constitutional scholar,
political expert,
and mezzo soprano... me.
♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪
I booked our next big-game
hunting trip, Don!
They just shove
a drugged-up lion
into the back
of a Honda Odyssey,
and we get to shoot it
through the windows.
I'm afraid you'll have to take
those hunting trips alone.
As the eldest,
I'll be inheriting
the presidency in 2024.
So if you're launching
your political career,
does that mean I'm gonna run
the Trump Organization?
You're not cut out
for that!
You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.
I tried, but me
and Deion the Donkey
didn't have
what it takes.
Then you must show Dad
that you can be
an upstanding businessman
like me.
Now pretend you lost
your factory job
so I can practice nodding
as if I care.
- W-We're down to one single sheet...
- Okay.
- Of white bread for my family of eleven.
- Uh-huh. I don't care. I mean, I do care.
- Please, Mr. Trump.
- Nodding, nodding.
You're not screwed.
You got four out of five
conservative justices
in the bag.
Just go schmooze
the robes off of him.
I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch.
I'm the schmooz-ee.
Check the mug. I just wish
I could add more buff
Supreme Court justices
who dig my vibe.
That's called
"packing the court,"
and there's nothing
in the Constitution
that says you can't do it.
I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?
Upending centuries
of judicial protocol
is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!
Just a heads up, though.
The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.
And as Aristotle said,
"Fear is pain...
Arising from the
anticipation of evil."
That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
Sorry about the typo.
I couldn't find the backspace.
Eric, you're just not cut out
for the family business.
Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?
I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.
We saved a lot of money
on beans
but lost a lot
of money on jelly.
Hmm.
My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,
and it's only right
I do the same.
Prove to me you can handle
more responsibility,
and I'll make you
my last-ditch pick for CEO.
Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.
Fat chance!
My kids are assholes!
You wouldn't last
a second!
We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee
who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's
Supreme Court nominee,
My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,
my pants shredded
like those things
that slap you at the car wash
when you're hiding out
from three guys
with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,
and all I've got left
to my name
is a baby bottle full of NyQuil
and 30 dimes of flake.
So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno
before you end up
married again."
Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.
I can give you the month...
Summer.
"Crash-and-burn"
is what people are saying
about Trump's effort
to pack the court.
The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning
their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!
Oh, God.
Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty
of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!
I sentence you to
a million years in prison!
Recreation time is up!
Everyone back in their cells
for 23 hours
of sedentary rest!
- Hooray!
- Whoo!
Ahh. I kinda like this.
No one's making me do stuff,
food's chewy,
I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.
You said it, Dad!
I mean, roomie!
I got a million years
in here, too!
How many years is a
million years? Let's count.
One, two, three,
four, five...
sex... sick! seven!
You were right, Mitch.
I must be the schmoozer,
and Supreme Court,
the schmoozees.
Great! What we need
is a fancy place
where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!
We're in Washington,
Rudy.
All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good
husband-and-wife
cabaret acts.
There's only one place
ritzy enough
to schmooze Roberts
and those other nobodies.
The place where everyone can be
whoever they want to be.
As long as they pay
the $200,000 fee.
Where on Earth
could that be?!
Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Iago!
For the 1st Annual Supreme Court
Gala Spectacular!
Your security detail
picked us all up
from our homes
in the dead of night.
And they scared
the daylights
out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.
Did you know that last year
they made two movies about me?
Yes.
Who gives a crap
how we got here?
We're away from our jobs,
our families,
the specters of our past.
That's the
alarming spirit.
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.
Come ride with me
in my executive golf cart.
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.
No eating of the smoked trout
in the back seat!
That's for
Uber customers.
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?
I'd worry more about your sailor
on shore leave over there.
It says you're open at 8:00,
but it's 8:02!
I could sue you
for false advertising!
He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room with a mini-bar,
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.
I could look after
Judge Kavanaugh!
Sure, kid.
Keep that twitchy lush
from ruining my schmooze-fest,
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.
Excuse me.
Could I have a juice?
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always gets me a juice.
I told you...
He's a starfucker!
To get the full
Mar-a-Iago experience,
you gotta sit
with the power players.
Rudy Giuliani.
God damn it!
I spilled ketchup on the gravy
I spilled on my suit!
Shinzo Abe.
He's always here.
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.
He tells me to do stuff,
and I do it.
We should really invite over
the other justices.
They actually told me
they think you stink
and are probably
a bad kisser.
The best way to get back at them
is to let me pardon myself
for crimes past,
present, and future.
I... have to go to
the little men's room.
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo.
You blew it.
Take your meal
back to your room.
It's always
Shinzo's fault.
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!
I know!
So, in order to graduate
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,
Deion the Donkey and I
needed to execute
the fabled
double-donkey hee-haw.
Anyways,
you work at, uh...?
SCOTUS! I should have
never signed up!
It's the worst thing
I've ever done!
Where's my beer?!
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer right now!
I'm actually not supposed
to let you drink.
Uhh! But I like beer!
I like beer! I like beer!!
What if I just
vouch for you
like the way
Squi vouched for me?
You'd do that?
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?
Yes, I am sober.
You'll make Eric the CEO
tomorrow morning?
I'll tell him right now!
Beep.
A round of beers
to celebrate?!
Okay! But just one.
G-Gah!
Rise and shine,
my favorite justice!
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.
How did you get in here?
I have all the keys
to all the doors.
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy
out of the pool,
so get your trunks on,
then you'll let me
pardon myself,
then we'll hit
the omelet bar.
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me
to vote in your favor.
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.
I usually don't do this,
but what if I switched you
to a bed-bug free room?
Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!
I turned my back
on Deion the Donkey
to build Jelly Tower!
Oh, I'm sorry,
Jelly Boy!
You gonna cry boysenberry tears
out of your marmalade eyes
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
I'm a Jelly Man!
Oww!
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson
to ugly vermilion!
What are you
gonna do about it...
Wah-wah cry like you did
at your hearing?
I'm gonna head-butt you
'til you die!
- Bring it!
- One, two...
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.
We don't have umbrellas
in Florida.
It's the Sunshine State.
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts
the laughingstock
of the whole judiciary.
Ooh, and while
you're at it,
do the other justices
dirty, too!
That's why you're the leader
of the free world.
I can't take
all the credit.
You got to give some
to the death squads.
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!
And keep that applause going
for our Guy of the Year
Award recipient,
Chief Justice Roberts!
Are you any closer
to giving me my self-pardon?
I said "no"
and I look like a fool.
Fine! Then the only thing left
is the group kompromat...
I mean group photo.
Everyone grab some champagne
and hop on stage!
Let's just do this
so we can go to bed.
- Sanders, remember.
- Downward angle, find your light.
I know, I know.
Say "blackmail."
Blackmail.
Is it hot fire?
♪ I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat ♪
Wow. You should be
on Broadway.
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.
I wonder who
I'll self-pardon first.
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
Look at that.
As a result of this
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured
have recused themselves
from all legal matters
pertaining to the president.
Who would leak
such a thing?
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom
with 19 entrances.
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account
of Japanese Prime Minister
Shinzo Abe.
I want Shinzo's badge and gun
on my desk by morning.
This means that,
in the upcoming hearing
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion
of the one Justice not recused,
Brett Kavanaugh.
Ohh! Even better!
He'll give you
the kind of justice
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth
ever since
the nation's founding.
All we have to do
is make sure
Brett Kavanaugh's
on that bench on Monday.
Don't worry. I got
my best, weirdest son
taking care of him.
Whoa.
What happened
last night?
It's just like that R-rated
bachelor-party movie
The Hang Glider.
"Jelly Man,
last night reminded me
how much I enjoy
being away from it all,
drowning in liquid fun!
Don't come looking for me,
or I'll take the fuck off
running!
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding
the inner workings
of a middle-aged party king.
You have any clues?
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.
He flew the coop!
I'm coming down there, Eric.
Good thing I have shit loads
of Southwest points
from tickets I bought so I could
get drunk at I. Guardia.
Wait! I think
I know where he is!
Have you ever heard of
a town called... Orlando?
Have you ever heard
of a town called
"Shut Up,
I'll Meet You There"?
Let us bow our heads in prayer
to Brett Kavanaugh
for making this lawlessness
possible for me.
May he go to bed
without getting the spins.
Amen.
Now, what crimes
should I commit?
And remember, there are no small
crimes... only short criminals.
Before you commit
more crimes,
shouldn't you wait
until Kavanaugh
actually hands down
his ruling?
That's strike three,
Pompeo.
Strikes one and two
were existing.
Will there be
any more innings?
We just found
our next crime...
We're gonna torture Pompeo until
he swallows his own tongue!
- That's great!
- Let's kill him, huh?
I'm free all day,
so just let me know.
These dolphins
are kept alive
only by the fish
they receive mid-backflip.
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun."
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce
that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun
capital of Florida.
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!
There's no beer
at SeaWorld!
How long has he been gone?
Two days.
Two days of drunk stumbling
is four days
of sober sprinting.
He could be anywhere,
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
♪ It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun ♪
Mike Pompeo,
for the crime of being
a boring-annoying-dumb
loser,
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,
then blowtorching,
then poisoning,
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.
If I'm gonna be
covered in ants,
can I at least have
a picnic with them?
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.
It's Eric, sir.
Do you wanna talk
or should I just
make up something?
Ugh...
Dad, remember
when you said
you'd always love me no matter what?
Nope.
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
D-a-a-ad!
Kavanaugh is gone.
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,
former campaign chief,
and three dozen
of my closest associates.
I could pardon you if I was
president. Hint, hint.
It's been two days
since Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh
disappeared into
the humid badlands of Florida.
Search parties
continue to comb through
every roadside motel bar
and empty Circuit City with
a back door you can jimmy open.
Maybe they found Kavanaugh
on Hannity.
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets
for sale exclusively
on my website!
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
Mmm! Buy the...
Buy the whole pail!
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.
I know this is difficult,
but I need you to hit me
as hard as you...
Thanks for
pitchin' in, honey.
Drat!
Thought it might be
Kavanaugh,
but it's just another
dead, bloated guy.
Time to face facts...
You'll always be
the businessman
fisher-outer
and never
the businessman fishee.
How will I ever live up
to my family name?
All I have
are my handsome gums
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.
Forget it, Eric.
Your only career path now
is to join
my Secret Service detail
and somehow not fall in love
with me, à la The Bodyguard.
And good luck
because I am...
♪ Enchanting as ass ♪
Because all the judges
are either recused
or horking into the Everglades,
the Supreme Court
will fail to hear my case.
You're the man of
the White House now, Mikey.
Here's the presidential
suit and tie.
They'll probably
be tight on you.
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,
it's you being held accountable
for your actions.
Pardon or no pardon,
you need to fight
to make sure America
continues to be a place
where guys like you
can get away with anything.
♪ And I'm with you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?
They got Sublime!
I see why Brett
was so into this beer.
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.
You didn't fail today.
You failed the moment
you tried to be
a bad-ass business Trump
like me
instead of an artsy
ass-wad Trump
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.
I just want to
prove I'm responsible
and get
Brett Kavanaugh back!
Sorry, Eric.
As a child of privilege,
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.
Ahh!
And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
Uh... how's everybody doin'?!
Shut up!
I don't
wanna go to Washington!
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!
You belong
on the Supreme Court
deciding
the reproductive fate
of every single
American woman!
We don't have much time!
Floor it!
Is this the end
of your presidency?
When you came for Clinton,
he hopped
on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
and hightailed it to Harlem
to write his memoirs.
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders
on George W. Bush, he escaped
to his artist's loft
to paint bathtubs.
And when you came
for William Henry Harrison,
he got pneumonia and died!
But America elected me
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.
- Mr. President!
- Get the hell out of my way!
Mr. President,
it's your shithead sons.
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!
Sandblast the puke
from his face
and get him
in that judge dress.
We have no time to lose.
Kavanaugh's on his way.
You need to stall
until he gets here.
I'm on it!
For my first stall,
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.
Ruuuuuudddddyyy
Giuuuuliannniii
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!
Alright. What else?
What else? Um...
Ah, one of the old favorites!
It was a beautiful
September morning,
not a cloud in the sky...
I think he peed!
Oh, good.
That means he's alive!
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"
- Is this over yet?
- And, totally off the cuff, I said...
- I'm meeting with Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.
- What did I say?
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!
Wait! Don't marry him
or whatever!
Quick, Eric.
Get him on the bench!
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say...
BLLUUGHHHH!
There's nothing left
to do now
but accept
our pitiful failure.
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad
should be able
to pardon himself?
I sure do,
as much as I think
you need a bath!
Got 'im!
Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
You know
what's even more not nice?
Charging the president
for his crimes.
He is above us all.
Hee haw!
Holy shit! He did it!
He did the
double-donkey hee-haw!
Who said that?
Aah!
He bit off his finger!
I don't care if I go to jail.
This is the best thing
I've ever seen!
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
then there's some keep-away.
But Kavanaugh did submit
a written opinion,
which I have here.
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott
and Citizens United,
the ruling to allow
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
to be two-for-one
on Wednesdays"
is one of the least-harmful
decisions
the Supreme Court has ever made.
So, are you allowed
to pardon yourself or nah?
No one knows.
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh
and bringing him back here,
no matter how bad
it made the city smell.
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.
Does this mean
I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
Even better!
I'm making you CEO of
Trump Ventriloquism University!
We're opening
a Ventriloquism University?!
It's more of
a money-laundering front
for which you will be held
legally responsible,
but you're the CEO.
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!
That's my boy!
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.
We've got work to do!
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Ye-a-a-a-a-a-a-h ♪
Sync corrections by srjanapala
Trump!
Hello, racist
bumper-sticker salespeople,
guys who've punched
a claw machine,
people who frequently graffiti
their ex's garage door,
teens who will have their
Ivy League admission rescinded,
and other shrieking jackals!
I'm here to announce that,
in 2020,
win or lose,
I will win the election!
I'm walking over here now...
showing you
that I'm keepin' it loose...
proving to everyone that
I can be a tough walkin' man.
And now I'm moseying on back.
Now, as I explained to
ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
I am now accepting
foreign intelligence
on my Democratic opponents.
Simply call the number below!
Operators are standing by!
No more stuff on Biden.
That treasure chest is full!
So many people
have made tonight possible,
but none more so than
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
You two have done
absolutely nothing to stop me,
and, for that, please accept
this statue of a family dog
watching the house
get robbed.
You said we'd discuss
the infrastructure bill!
You're being
too pushy.
Thank you, Mr. President.
- Thank you, everyone!
- You're making us blush!
For more on
my second-term agenda,
please direct your easily seized
attention to the jumbotron!
If you thought
President Trump's first term
got your pulse pounding,
his second term
will make your heart explode.
National Guard... on speed dial.
Nuclear secrets... for sale.
Basic human decency... buh-bye!
And think Trump
can't spell any worse?
Think aglenn.
Donald Trump 2020.
You're Gonna Get
a Rash, Buster.
Alright!
Who wants pig hearts?!
Not enough to go around,
so start clawing!
*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Season 02 Episode 07
*OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT*
Episode Title : "Supreme Court"
Don, did you
put the crime sock on the door?
Yeah, Dad.
No one will bother us.
Okay, let's talk
shady self-enrichment!
How's our
Washington hotel?
We're killing it!
The Chinese spent five million
dollars on room service.
It's floor-to-ceiling
french toast!
Okay, let's hear
from my favorite son.
- Ivanka?
- Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury
and said on the weekends,
anything goes!
What the hell,
Pompeo?!
Hey, is this sock on
the doorknob up for grabs?
- It's pretty nice.
- La. la la la la!
I can't hear what's
being conspired in here!
Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
Look what you did, Pompeo!
You take the crime sock
off the door,
and this place turns into
Grand Central Station!
So... can I put this
on my foot or...?
Even though Mueller
gave you a pass on collusion,
you still have to worry
about the money laundering,
the campaign finance
violations,
and those other crimes
I won't mention in case
there's still recording devices
hidden in the lampshades.
Hello. I'll just pardon
myself. Are we done?
I could be committing
systematic genocide right now.
Okay, it is far from guaranteed
that the Supreme Court
will uphold the power
to pardon yourself.
Of course
they will, Jared.
The ruling was foretold in
the Great Prophecy of Valantium.
Let me ask you.
H-How exactly do you think
the Supreme Court works?
If you spent less time
in the weight room
and more time in class,
you would know that...
every
half moon, the Supreme Court
rises out of the ancient swamps
of Kilga-Goranth
to exact their
righteous judgment on our kind.
The big, buff justices
wear magical cloaks
that they can keep on
even when they go through
airport security.
♪ Justice ♪
You're actually a lot
closer than I thought.
Ooh, justice!
Mmm, justice.
Ooh, justice.
I'm Jake Tapper,
and I go to movies
just to shush stepdads
and their sons.
Justice John Roberts spoke
today at a legal conference
and discussed the power
of the president
to pardon himself.
Take a look.
Obviously, I'm not going to
present my opinion here,
but I will say that
presidential power
is not absolute.
Here to analyze
Roberts' comments
is constitutional scholar,
political expert,
and mezzo soprano... me.
♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪
I booked our next big-game
hunting trip, Don!
They just shove
a drugged-up lion
into the back
of a Honda Odyssey,
and we get to shoot it
through the windows.
I'm afraid you'll have to take
those hunting trips alone.
As the eldest,
I'll be inheriting
the presidency in 2024.
So if you're launching
your political career,
does that mean I'm gonna run
the Trump Organization?
You're not cut out
for that!
You're meant for dumber shit
like ventriloquism school.
I tried, but me
and Deion the Donkey
didn't have
what it takes.
Then you must show Dad
that you can be
an upstanding businessman
like me.
Now pretend you lost
your factory job
so I can practice nodding
as if I care.
- W-We're down to one single sheet...
- Okay.
- Of white bread for my family of eleven.
- Uh-huh. I don't care. I mean, I do care.
- Please, Mr. Trump.
- Nodding, nodding.
You're not screwed.
You got four out of five
conservative justices
in the bag.
Just go schmooze
the robes off of him.
I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch.
I'm the schmooz-ee.
Check the mug. I just wish
I could add more buff
Supreme Court justices
who dig my vibe.
That's called
"packing the court,"
and there's nothing
in the Constitution
that says you can't do it.
I'm sorry, but why the eff
did you not say this earlier?
Upending centuries
of judicial protocol
is way easier than schmoozing
John Roberts for three minutes!
Just a heads up, though.
The Democrats might have
some thoughts on this.
And as Aristotle said,
"Fear is pain...
Arising from the
anticipation of evil."
That concludes my one-slide
PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
Sorry about the typo.
I couldn't find the backspace.
Eric, you're just not cut out
for the family business.
Remember when I let you build
Trump International Manhattan?
I believe you're referring
to the infamous Jelly Tower.
We saved a lot of money
on beans
but lost a lot
of money on jelly.
Hmm.
My father liked to dangle
his approval in front of me,
and it's only right
I do the same.
Prove to me you can handle
more responsibility,
and I'll make you
my last-ditch pick for CEO.
Dad, I'll be so responsible,
you'll leave your kids with me.
Fat chance!
My kids are assholes!
You wouldn't last
a second!
We now join
the Senate Judiciary Committee
who is hearing testimony
from President Trump's
Supreme Court nominee,
My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
So, I crawled
out of the drain pipe,
my pants shredded
like those things
that slap you at the car wash
when you're hiding out
from three guys
with knives Scotch-taped
to their knuckles,
and all I've got left
to my name
is a baby bottle full of NyQuil
and 30 dimes of flake.
So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya
gotta get the heck out of Fresno
before you end up
married again."
Sir, uh, all we asked
was your date of birth.
I can give you the month...
Summer.
"Crash-and-burn"
is what people are saying
about Trump's effort
to pack the court.
The three remaining nominees
withdrew after learning
their wages would be garnished
for child support. Yeesh!
Oh, God.
Donald J. Trump,
the court finds you guilty
of phony witch-hunt charges
made up by losers and fakes!
I sentence you to
a million years in prison!
Recreation time is up!
Everyone back in their cells
for 23 hours
of sedentary rest!
- Hooray!
- Whoo!
Ahh. I kinda like this.
No one's making me do stuff,
food's chewy,
I get cool geometric tattoos
from white supremacists.
You said it, Dad!
I mean, roomie!
I got a million years
in here, too!
How many years is a
million years? Let's count.
One, two, three,
four, five...
sex... sick! seven!
You were right, Mitch.
I must be the schmoozer,
and Supreme Court,
the schmoozees.
Great! What we need
is a fancy place
where French guys serve Italian
food under Chinese lanterns!
We're in Washington,
Rudy.
All the restaurants suck,
and there aren't any good
husband-and-wife
cabaret acts.
There's only one place
ritzy enough
to schmooze Roberts
and those other nobodies.
The place where everyone can be
whoever they want to be.
As long as they pay
the $200,000 fee.
Where on Earth
could that be?!
Thank you for all willingly
coming to Mar-a-Iago!
For the 1st Annual Supreme Court
Gala Spectacular!
Your security detail
picked us all up
from our homes
in the dead of night.
And they scared
the daylights
out of the paparazzi
standing in my yard.
Did you know that last year
they made two movies about me?
Yes.
Who gives a crap
how we got here?
We're away from our jobs,
our families,
the specters of our past.
That's the
alarming spirit.
Swing vote John Roberts,
you're so cute and dangerous.
Come ride with me
in my executive golf cart.
The rest of you can ride in
Stephen Miller's hatchback.
No eating of the smoked trout
in the back seat!
That's for
Uber customers.
Does Roberts look like
he'll melt in my arms yet?
I'd worry more about your sailor
on shore leave over there.
It says you're open at 8:00,
but it's 8:02!
I could sue you
for false advertising!
He asked the concierge if,
instead of a regular room with a mini-bar,
he could get a mini-room
with a regular bar.
I could look after
Judge Kavanaugh!
Sure, kid.
Keep that twitchy lush
from ruining my schmooze-fest,
and you can be CEO of any
of my billion-dollar fronts.
Excuse me.
Could I have a juice?
My on-again-off-again boyfriend
always gets me a juice.
I told you...
He's a starfucker!
To get the full
Mar-a-Iago experience,
you gotta sit
with the power players.
Rudy Giuliani.
God damn it!
I spilled ketchup on the gravy
I spilled on my suit!
Shinzo Abe.
He's always here.
Then there's this Russian guy.
We have an understanding.
He tells me to do stuff,
and I do it.
We should really invite over
the other justices.
They actually told me
they think you stink
and are probably
a bad kisser.
The best way to get back at them
is to let me pardon myself
for crimes past,
present, and future.
I... have to go to
the little men's room.
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo.
You blew it.
Take your meal
back to your room.
It's always
Shinzo's fault.
And don't spill caramel
on the bed again!
I know!
So, in order to graduate
from Victor Balloon's
School of Ventriloquism,
Deion the Donkey and I
needed to execute
the fabled
double-donkey hee-haw.
Anyways,
you work at, uh...?
SCOTUS! I should have
never signed up!
It's the worst thing
I've ever done!
Where's my beer?!
I worked my whole life to
drink a beer right now!
I'm actually not supposed
to let you drink.
Uhh! But I like beer!
I like beer! I like beer!!
What if I just
vouch for you
like the way
Squi vouched for me?
You'd do that?
Beep-borp-bup-bup.
Hello? Mr. Trump?
Yes, I am sober.
You'll make Eric the CEO
tomorrow morning?
I'll tell him right now!
Beep.
A round of beers
to celebrate?!
Okay! But just one.
G-Gah!
Rise and shine,
my favorite justice!
We've got an amazing,
action-packed day ahead of us.
How did you get in here?
I have all the keys
to all the doors.
The groundskeeper fished
the bloated, dead guy
out of the pool,
so get your trunks on,
then you'll let me
pardon myself,
then we'll hit
the omelet bar.
I know you're trying to
exert undue influence on me
to vote in your favor.
And as umpire of the court,
I call that a foul ball.
I usually don't do this,
but what if I switched you
to a bed-bug free room?
Is that the hardest
you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
Hey! You promised
you wouldn't call me that!
I turned my back
on Deion the Donkey
to build Jelly Tower!
Oh, I'm sorry,
Jelly Boy!
You gonna cry boysenberry tears
out of your marmalade eyes
coming out of your
jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
I'm a Jelly Man!
Oww!
Now my face is gonna go
from beautiful crimson
to ugly vermilion!
What are you
gonna do about it...
Wah-wah cry like you did
at your hearing?
I'm gonna head-butt you
'til you die!
- Bring it!
- One, two...
Donald, quit trying to
schmooze the Supreme Court
and just poke them with
a poison-tipped umbrella.
We don't have umbrellas
in Florida.
It's the Sunshine State.
Then get some kompromat
that'll make Roberts
the laughingstock
of the whole judiciary.
Ooh, and while
you're at it,
do the other justices
dirty, too!
That's why you're the leader
of the free world.
I can't take
all the credit.
You got to give some
to the death squads.
Wow! Do you guys know
how to party or what?!
And keep that applause going
for our Guy of the Year
Award recipient,
Chief Justice Roberts!
Are you any closer
to giving me my self-pardon?
I said "no"
and I look like a fool.
Fine! Then the only thing left
is the group kompromat...
I mean group photo.
Everyone grab some champagne
and hop on stage!
Let's just do this
so we can go to bed.
- Sanders, remember.
- Downward angle, find your light.
I know, I know.
Say "blackmail."
Blackmail.
Is it hot fire?
♪ I've got my kompromat,
I've got my kompromat ♪
Wow. You should be
on Broadway.
So the Supreme Court
will issue a decision
on the presidential
self-pardon Monday at noon.
I wonder who
I'll self-pardon first.
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
Look at that.
As a result of this
compromising leaked photo,
the eight justices pictured
have recused themselves
from all legal matters
pertaining to the president.
Who would leak
such a thing?
I took that in the privacy
of a 250-seat ballroom
with 19 entrances.
The hot photo appeared
on the Instagram account
of Japanese Prime Minister
Shinzo Abe.
I want Shinzo's badge and gun
on my desk by morning.
This means that,
in the upcoming hearing
concerning the president's
self-pardon power,
the opinion will be issued
at the sole discretion
of the one Justice not recused,
Brett Kavanaugh.
Ohh! Even better!
He'll give you
the kind of justice
that rich, white guys have
been passing back and forth
ever since
the nation's founding.
All we have to do
is make sure
Brett Kavanaugh's
on that bench on Monday.
Don't worry. I got
my best, weirdest son
taking care of him.
Whoa.
What happened
last night?
It's just like that R-rated
bachelor-party movie
The Hang Glider.
"Jelly Man,
last night reminded me
how much I enjoy
being away from it all,
drowning in liquid fun!
Don't come looking for me,
or I'll take the fuck off
running!
Signed, coach of my daughter's
basketball team, Brett K."
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
You're lucky I'm an
expert at understanding
the inner workings
of a middle-aged party king.
You have any clues?
There's a loafer print headed
due west in this mound of vomit.
He flew the coop!
I'm coming down there, Eric.
Good thing I have shit loads
of Southwest points
from tickets I bought so I could
get drunk at I. Guardia.
Wait! I think
I know where he is!
Have you ever heard of
a town called... Orlando?
Have you ever heard
of a town called
"Shut Up,
I'll Meet You There"?
Let us bow our heads in prayer
to Brett Kavanaugh
for making this lawlessness
possible for me.
May he go to bed
without getting the spins.
Amen.
Now, what crimes
should I commit?
And remember, there are no small
crimes... only short criminals.
Before you commit
more crimes,
shouldn't you wait
until Kavanaugh
actually hands down
his ruling?
That's strike three,
Pompeo.
Strikes one and two
were existing.
Will there be
any more innings?
We just found
our next crime...
We're gonna torture Pompeo until
he swallows his own tongue!
- That's great!
- Let's kill him, huh?
I'm free all day,
so just let me know.
These dolphins
are kept alive
only by the fish
they receive mid-backflip.
Wow! Wait. What the hell
are we doing at SeaWorld?
Brett's note said he wanted
to drown in "liquid fun."
I used my deductive,
future CEO logic to deduce
that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun
capital of Florida.
Eric, "liquid fun"
is bro-slang for beer!
There's no beer
at SeaWorld!
How long has he been gone?
Two days.
Two days of drunk stumbling
is four days
of sober sprinting.
He could be anywhere,
you irresponsible, grade-A,
grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
♪ It's the weekend,
it's time to have fun ♪
Mike Pompeo,
for the crime of being
a boring-annoying-dumb
loser,
I sentence you to
sledgehammering of the legs,
then blowtorching,
then poisoning,
and finally being eaten
good and slow by fire ants.
If I'm gonna be
covered in ants,
can I at least have
a picnic with them?
That's it. I'm setting
the crossbow to turbo.
It's Eric, sir.
Do you wanna talk
or should I just
make up something?
Ugh...
Dad, remember
when you said
you'd always love me no matter what?
Nope.
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
D-a-a-ad!
Kavanaugh is gone.
Now I'm just another
below-the-law schmuck
who can be thrown in jail
like my former lawyer,
former campaign chief,
and three dozen
of my closest associates.
I could pardon you if I was
president. Hint, hint.
It's been two days
since Supreme Court Justice
Brett Kavanaugh
disappeared into
the humid badlands of Florida.
Search parties
continue to comb through
every roadside motel bar
and empty Circuit City with
a back door you can jimmy open.
Maybe they found Kavanaugh
on Hannity.
With Brett Kavanaugh missing,
we all have no choice
but to retreat underground
with the survivalist buckets
for sale exclusively
on my website!
My favorite is the Hannity
Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
Mmm! Buy the...
Buy the whole pail!
Melania, I can't go to
prison looking this pretty.
I know this is difficult,
but I need you to hit me
as hard as you...
Thanks for
pitchin' in, honey.
Drat!
Thought it might be
Kavanaugh,
but it's just another
dead, bloated guy.
Time to face facts...
You'll always be
the businessman
fisher-outer
and never
the businessman fishee.
How will I ever live up
to my family name?
All I have
are my handsome gums
and 28 credits toward
my ventriloquism degree.
Forget it, Eric.
Your only career path now
is to join
my Secret Service detail
and somehow not fall in love
with me, à la The Bodyguard.
And good luck
because I am...
♪ Enchanting as ass ♪
Because all the judges
are either recused
or horking into the Everglades,
the Supreme Court
will fail to hear my case.
You're the man of
the White House now, Mikey.
Here's the presidential
suit and tie.
They'll probably
be tight on you.
As much as I appreciate the
gesture, I shall not accept.
If there's one thing your
supporters don't want to see,
it's you being held accountable
for your actions.
Pardon or no pardon,
you need to fight
to make sure America
continues to be a place
where guys like you
can get away with anything.
♪ And I'm with you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
Eric, are you seriously
not gonna put your name in?
They got Sublime!
I see why Brett
was so into this beer.
It makes being a failure
a lot more palatable.
You didn't fail today.
You failed the moment
you tried to be
a bad-ass business Trump
like me
instead of an artsy
ass-wad Trump
walking around with
a donkey on his hand.
I just want to
prove I'm responsible
and get
Brett Kavanaugh back!
Sorry, Eric.
As a child of privilege,
you don't always get what you
want the minute you want it.
Sometimes you have to wait for
things to fall into your lap.
Ahh!
And next up
for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
Uh... how's everybody doin'?!
Shut up!
I don't
wanna go to Washington!
Take me to Tobin's garage
for whip-its and garlic knots!
You belong
on the Supreme Court
deciding
the reproductive fate
of every single
American woman!
We don't have much time!
Floor it!
Is this the end
of your presidency?
When you came for Clinton,
he hopped
on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
and hightailed it to Harlem
to write his memoirs.
When you tried to pin
those million Iraq murders
on George W. Bush, he escaped
to his artist's loft
to paint bathtubs.
And when you came
for William Henry Harrison,
he got pneumonia and died!
But America elected me
to see how much stuff
I could get away with,
and I'm not done
getting away with stuff.
- Mr. President!
- Get the hell out of my way!
Mr. President,
it's your shithead sons.
Dad! It's your shithead sons!
We found Brett Kavanaugh!
He smells like an
un-air-conditioned food court!
Sandblast the puke
from his face
and get him
in that judge dress.
We have no time to lose.
Kavanaugh's on his way.
You need to stall
until he gets here.
I'm on it!
For my first stall,
I'd like to take a really
long time to say my name.
Ruuuuuudddddyyy
Giuuuuliannniii
Crap! That came out way
faster than I meant it to!
Alright. What else?
What else? Um...
Ah, one of the old favorites!
It was a beautiful
September morning,
not a cloud in the sky...
I think he peed!
Oh, good.
That means he's alive!
So Lorne Michaels turns to me
and says, "Can we be funny?"
- Is this over yet?
- And, totally off the cuff, I said...
- I'm meeting with Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.
- What did I say?
I told you, Hollywood's
gonna eat you alive!
Wait! Don't marry him
or whatever!
Quick, Eric.
Get him on the bench!
I would, Dad, but he's
too blitzed to speak.
If I'm so blitzed, then
how come I can still say...
BLLUUGHHHH!
There's nothing left
to do now
but accept
our pitiful failure.
If only someone could make
Brett Kavanaugh talk...
So, Justice Kavanaugh,
do you think my dad
should be able
to pardon himself?
I sure do,
as much as I think
you need a bath!
Got 'im!
Aww. That's not
very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
You know
what's even more not nice?
Charging the president
for his crimes.
He is above us all.
Hee haw!
Holy shit! He did it!
He did the
double-donkey hee-haw!
Who said that?
Aah!
He bit off his finger!
I don't care if I go to jail.
This is the best thing
I've ever seen!
It was a dramatic day
at the Supreme Court.
We have these exclusive
courtroom sketches.
There's Kavanaugh
biting off Eric's finger,
then regurgitating it
toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
then there's some keep-away.
But Kavanaugh did submit
a written opinion,
which I have here.
Okay. This is a bar menu from a
West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
As to whether the president
can pardon himself,
it's still unclear,
but between Dred Scott
and Citizens United,
the ruling to allow
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
to be two-for-one
on Wednesdays"
is one of the least-harmful
decisions
the Supreme Court has ever made.
So, are you allowed
to pardon yourself or nah?
No one knows.
So I'll just give it a shot,
see if anyone freaks out.
Eric, I want to thank you
for tracking down Kavanaugh
and bringing him back here,
no matter how bad
it made the city smell.
You've proven you really
can handle responsibility.
Does this mean
I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
Even better!
I'm making you CEO of
Trump Ventriloquism University!
We're opening
a Ventriloquism University?!
It's more of
a money-laundering front
for which you will be held
legally responsible,
but you're the CEO.
When the Feds come, I'll make
Deion the Donkey take the fall!
That's my boy!
Now everyone shut up and put
the crime sock on the door.
We've got work to do!
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
♪ Ye-a-a-a-a-a-a-h ♪
Sync corrections by srjanapala
Trump!