Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Visiting the Troops - full transcript

Donald Trump Jr.

is testifying to the Senate
Intelligence Committee.

Unfortunately, news cameras
are not allowed inside.

_

Would the witness please
state your name for the record?

D... Uh... Donald Trump Jr.

Uh, previous aliases include
"D-T-J", "His Royal Drinkiness",

"Señor Bong", "The Freak",
"2 Fast, 2 Junior-ous",

- and "Sir Shits-Himself".
- Great.

Did the President have
advanced knowledge

of the Trump Tower meeting?



Yeah, but only because
he can see the future!

Like, yesterday, he said he
just knows he's going to prison.

- That's spooky!
- Jesus Christ.

You guys are lawyers, right?

So, okay, I backed over
this pizza delivery kid,

and his big-ass Adam's
apple dinged my bumper!

Am I entitled to compensation?

Please let's stay on topic.

The secret is to launch the firecracker

from the bottom of your crack.

It stings a little, but
you get drunker faster!

Russia collusion? Not I!

I've been crab-fishing on the high seas!

Did you hide a sailor
suit in the bathroom?



How do you feel about your father

putting you in this situation?

Oh, no! Here it comes!

I'll tell you everything!

But when I'm in jail, you
guys have to take Kim fishing!

Wait. Does that person have to
type everything I say?

Yes, it's the stenographer.

Ass! Whoa! She typed it.

Ass, ass, balls! She typed that, too!

♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

- Okay. Stop it. Stop.
- ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪

♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, ass, ass ♪

♪ B-a-a-a-a-alls ♪

- She's still typing!
- That's enough!

And could you read that back for us?

"Ass, ass, ass, balls."

"Ass, ass, ass, balls."

You like my sign?

Okay, who built this sign?!

Pizzuh-hut, Soldiers!

We're here in one of Iraq's
most Middle Eastern-y cities

to recognize the troops
and women dressed as troops

for their tremendous
service in wars or whatever.

Mr. President, I want to introduce you

to one of our bravest,
Sergeant Tully. She's...

Shit! I friggin' whiffed!

I wish I could be there to
shake your dehydrated hands,

but, you know, golf.

We understand. You're very busy, sir.

Hey, you got the next, much
worse thing, Mike Pence.

Shake their hands for me, Mikey!

Pardon my use of the Pence family glove.

Karen says, "Touching
a career woman's hand

is a backstage pass to Hades' land."

Don't shake her hand loud!
It'll distract my swing!

_

I'm Jake Tapper.

And a reminder for folks at home...

no talking during my show.

It appears the President
would rather grip his five-iron

than the hand of a soldier.

This behavior has been satirized

by some of America's
most skilled cartoonists,

including TV newsman Jake Tapper.

Let's check in with President Chump.

President Chump was golfing,

when he should've been
respecting our troops.

It seems this presidency
is hitting a lot of bogies.

_

And that's our show.

Sorry we didn't get to
the Flint water crisis.

Tapper is relentless.

Announce my resignation before he draws

another President Chump!

Everything's gonna be fine!

Let's just fly you to Iraq
to shake a few hands,

hug a few flags, go pat-pat
on a tank like it's a Corgi.

How about instead of Iraq,
I fly to... wait for it...

Mar-a-Lago?

Mar-a-Lago! Yes!

A lot of the club members are
military defense contractors.

Why talk to a soldier about war

when you can laugh with a
billionaire about war crimes?

You could simply mouth the words
"Thank you for your service,"

and I'll fill in the voice later.

"Ehhh! Thank you
for your service. Ehhh!"

It's their job! Am I supposed
to thank this Robo-Vacuum, too?

Without the Robo-Vacuum,

you'd be ankle deep in Pop-Tart crumbs.

Why don't we just
invite Bill Shine back?

- He's the king of optics.
- No, no, Conway.

I got a simple no-fuss solution
to put this issue to bed.

It's time to bring home all
the brave, sweaty troops,

and no troops means no me
sitting on a plane for ten hours

just to shake hands
with some guy named Kyle.

Okay. World peace.

Was the Defense Department made aware?

Chopper's too loud!
Can't hear you! Ha, ha!

Whatever, Louis!

I didn't even want to go
hunting with you anyway!

Ever since I started using
every waking moment

of my adult life to compliment my dad,

I have, like, no friends!

I'm your friend!

You're not my friend, Eric.
You're my brother and enemy.

I'm not even getting
likes on this dank photo

of me playing patty-cake
with a jaguar carcass!

- Elon Musk liked it.
- Yeah, right.

would ever like my dumb Po-oh...

my... ass.

_

Joining me now to
discuss the President's

sudden mass troop withdrawal...
self-appointed spokesman

for millions of unwitting servicemen,

Senator Lindsey Graham.

The only way to keep this country safe

is to have troops in Yemen for so long

that, when they come home,
their dogs forget their scent

and have to take cues from the room

that they should be jumping
around all silly-like.

Which brings us to the latest
installment of President Chump.

Do I have to stay?

The President is withdrawing the troops.

You can't do that at the ATM.

It's not the American Troop Machine.

_

Unfortunately, the only currency

the military accepts is respect,

a phrase made famous by
soul singer Aretha Franklin.

♪ Aretha Franklin ♪

Tapper, stop! I'm a
human being, damn it!

Sir, you can't withdraw
the entire military

just to avoid awkward conversation.

Just pretend the troops are me

and replicate our natural,
jazz-like banter.

The closest our
conversations get to jazz

is when I threaten to
beat you with a saxophone.

The bottom line is
the perpetual war state

only allows the commander-in-chief

to add troops or shuffle the
more confused ones to the back.

Bill Shine. What are you doing here?

Kellyanne told me you're upset.

You only called into Fox & Friends

for 70 minutes today?

Bill, everyone acts like

troops sacrifice more
than I do for this country.

Did you know they let injured veterans

skip the line at Space Mountain?

Doesn't seem right!

That's exactly what I told Goofy.

It's as if my injury doesn't matter.

It was 1969, and I was shipping out

for my fifth deferment from Vietnam.

Nixon had been elected.

Loser John McCain was
still in a P-O-W camp

for being a total loser,

and my foot had an appointment
with the podiatrist.

America's most notorious
draft dodgers were there...

Dutch, an English major from Yale...

Snake Stan from Harvard,
an English major.

And Grunt. By God, he was only 18,

celebrating his last summer
before shipping off to Yale

for his double major in
literature and English.

Give it to me straight, Doc,
exactly how my dad told you to.

You have bone spurs.

♪ My foot hurts ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ My foot hurts ♪

I left my innocence on the carpet

of that podiatrist's office.

- We all did.
- It's disgraceful

how America treats its
draft-dodging scions!

I'll handle this.

You just focus on being
the first president

to say "dongasorus" on Yom Kippur.

Did you know Elon Musk went bald

and genius-scienced an
entire new head of hair?

Just like Dad!

Dad's hair is real, idiot!

Any moment now, I will be high.

Hello? This is Elon Musk.
You're living in a simulation.

Hey! This is Don Junior Trump.
You know, from the news?

Ohh. Don Junior Trump.
How did you get my number?

You tweeted that you
paid five million bucks

for the number 420-6-9.

Oh, lé cool.

So you're the Trump kid
with the jaguar carcass?

Yeah! You should come by
and shoot it some more!

And maybe hang out? Is that awkward?

- Desperate, much?!
- I'm nervous!

No, no, it's not awkward turtle.

I'm pretty busy innovating right now.

Uh...

But I could come by
in, like, 18.4 minutes.

Look at these brave soldiers.

This is how we're gonna
fix your handshake problem.

For decades, rumors spread that
this flag planting was staged,

a bigger sham than Glenn
Beck becoming a scarf guy!

But validity doesn't matter

if the story is prime for marbleizing.

Don't shake it. Fake it!

Shine, last time I participated
in a misinformation campaign,

I became president of
the United States. Barf.

Fair enough. I guess you could sacrifice

one weekend and fly to Iraq...

Describe when you feel
the pain in your feet.

Every time I almost
serve in the military,

it stings pretty bad.

I've already made one sacrifice
for this country, Bill,

and I'm not about to make another.

Then, Mr. President, let's fake

you shaking a soldier's hand.

What the hell was that?

A fake-out, sir.

Oh, I get it.

Do that again, and I'll fucking kill ya.

So, what's the best way

to fake this troop handshake?

I-I'm new to this whole lying thing.

Okay, okay.

I said okay!

This country has a
rich history of fakery,

like pretending we care about
human rights in South America

and not just their tasty bananas.

If you need any fake
Iraqi backdrops painted,

it's watercolor week at
Karen's heterosexual art class.

I can take every textbook

and paste a bit about you visiting Iraq

over the ten-word summary on
that whole Rosa Parks bus thing.

These are the worst goddamn
pitches I've ever heard!

And Bill O'Reilly once pitched me

a call-in show titled
Late Night Whack Off.

We're just gonna film
it on a soundstage.

Can my actress wife play a
flight attendant or something?

- No!
- Don't blame ya. She sucks.

Just need to be able
to tell her I tried.

I can't believe I'm
boozing with Elon Musk.

It's nice to hang with someone
not trying to cancel me.

People talk about me like I'm Dr. Evil.

But Dr. Evil rules.

And Mini-Me, too!

Shit. Rest in peace, Mini-Me.

I really thought I'd
win the public's love

with my new hyperloop,

but not even a luxury-car
portal for billionaires

could turn my image around.

No matter how hard we
try, we just can't get poor

and therefore ugly people to like us.

- To real friends!
- And Mini-Me!

Who are we getting to direct this

handshake video... Woody Allen,

Bryan Singer, Mario Batali?

I'll film it. I was the visionary
behind Jesse Watters

going down to Chinatown to
mock first-generation immigrants

- who can't quote Tommy Boy.
- Cool!

Now, I'm thinking the troops
come out to their theme song,

which is just the word
"money" 500 times.

Um, that's The Apprentice.

Okay. How 'bout this...
instead of troops,

we bring in tax-evading
sitcom sidekicks,

bald country musicians,

and a young, weeping Piers Morgan.

- Celebrity Apprentice!
- It worked then; it'll work now!

I'd like to get to some
of the stars if I can,

but, if not, maybe
upload my consciousness

into, like, that star...
or even that one.

Elon, this has been the
best night of my life,

and I once saw the Cash Cab drive by.

Hey, do you think my dad would
want one of your hyperloops?

He'd probably prefer it.

Air Force One's toilet flushes scary.

Well, here's the great thing.

You don't need a
toilet on the hyperloop.

You go so fast, your body's only capable

of discharging orgasmic delirium.

But how would we pay for it?

I've been in the red ever
since I went all-in on currency

for a fake country called Abo Dabbo.

Uh, do you think getting
funding from Congress

would be fire or, like, suss?

Good luck getting it
through those vanilla dorks.

They wouldn't even
let my dad build a wall

between refugees and their newborns.

Don't worry. I'm from Silicon Valley.

With a smoke machine,
disorienting house music,

and the unblinking confidence
of a YouTube pickup artist,

anything is possible.

That star's pretty cool.
So many cool stars.

This reminds me of the
good ol' days at Fox News.

I bet Roger Ailes is in heaven
right now, groping down on us.

My brother started Blackwater

and gave me some tips
to get into character...

back straight, chin up,
shoot a few civilians.

Oh, that's a good idea.
We should do that.

I'm late. Whatever.

Go over there and shake

Lieutenant Mnuchin's hand,
please. We're rolling.

Well, wait a second.
I have to shake a hand?

- Jesus fucking hell!
- Ugh!

Fine, fine! Shut up!

And... action!

Wow! Troops! We love the troops!

Oh, no! Enemy attack! I'm so brave!

No other president has ever done this!

I must really love our troops!

We'll fix it in post.

No other president has ever done this!

I must really love our troops!

Okay. I'm going to re-defeat ISIS!

Ahh! That's right, ISIS!

Alright, that's all set.

This handshake has once again proved

our President's undying primordial love

for this country!

Folks, we're having a parade
for him across the entire nation

right now led by me!

Let's go!

Looks like President Chump
has become President Champ.

But instead of

climbing the steps of the
Philadelphia Museum of Art,

like Rocky did, he's climbing
the ranks of best Presidents.

Cory Booker's up there?

That guy's cool as ass! He
wears jeans on the weekends.

Just remember... be as cold and inhuman

as the technology you're selling.

Thanks.

Oh, and, Elon?

Yeah?

Thanks.

I'm here to revolutionize the world

by installing mass
transit for the rest of us.

People who flip out
if the flight attendant

asks us to alter our
behavior in literally any way.

As a resident of Silicon Valley...

- Ooh!
- He lives there.

... I know what it takes
to build this hyperloop

fast, cheap, and with technology.

I've been told technology
is the future of tech!

Here's a normal train
going very slow as ass.

- Boo!
- Boresville!

Where's the technology?

But here is my hyperloop, going so fast!

Look at it go!

It's faster than the slow one!

Hey, Schumer, what's
the most annoying thing

about mass transit?

When loud groups of unruly teenagers

mock my sensible shoes.

We're on our feet all day!

My hyperloop takes the
mass out of mass transit.

It's just you and your car underground.

So it's a car tunnel?

Turn up the fog.

- Ooh!
- Great fog tech!

For a hyperloop from...
and I'm thinking randomly...

Washington, D.C., to Mar-a-Lago,

all I'm asking for is $40 million.

Make it a billion, and you have a deal!

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Bill, we did it. We made it
look like I did it.

How are you this good at optics?

Let's just say... I'm seeing 20/20!

Oh, no.

Shut the hell up until I get it!

Hey, everyone.

My wife bought me a Sony Mini-DCR HC26

a couple Christmases ago, so
I caught some fun bloopers.

Enjoy.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Thank you for your shervish.

- Shervish?!
- Wait, wait.

He said what?!

Thank you for your service.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

Oh, no.

Where is Mnuchin, anyway?

God. I don't even know
why I'm doing this.

I genuinely hate the troops.

You shouldn't laugh at that!

Honestly, it should
turn your blood cold.

Because I am serious. I
absolutely hate the troops!

Pompeo Productions.

Wow. I'm glad you guys like it.

I was nervous when I
posted it on YouTube.

I can feel everyone's mad at me,
but, again, I don't know why.

I'm Wolf Blitzer, and every morning

I wake up in a suit, unsure
how it got on my body.

According to a blooper reel

posted by YouTube user
"CoolSecretAgent63",

the footage of Trump shaking
the hand of troops was staged.

Joining me now, a man whose
brain makes him stutter

out of sheer self-preservation,
Rudy Giuliani.

Is it true the troops are so insulted

that they no longer want
the president to visit?

Now, let me stop you right there, Shep.

Clearly, Donald Trump didn't
shake the hand of a real soldier

because he's too lazy to
fly to the Middle East.

Uh-oh! Maybe if I say
the same thing backwards,

it's like clicking "undo".

- I'm so sorry, sir.
- Sorry?

The troops found out the video's fake,

and now they hate me so much
they don't want me to visit?

Shine, you did it! Whoo!

So, if we convert my dad's
bed into the elevator,

he could ride his mattress
all the way to Mar-a-Lago!

Where's the power source?

Ugh! All this thinking
has sobered me up.

Want to go to Bringo's?

It's eleven-dollar Coors' night!

Uh, how 'bout you go
and I'll meet you there?

Sometimes a genius needs
to work alone, you know?

What's the point of being a genius

if you don't have a best
friend to share it with?

What's Albert without Einstein?

Yeah, man, go for it.
Whatever you need. I'm good.

I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago

for some well-earned me time.

If Melania asks where I am...
Oh, who am I kidding?

Hey, where's the salute-y guy?

You mean the Marine?

He went AWOL when he
saw that blooper reel.

Well, one more arm lift
I don't have to do today.

Also, your pilots went AWOL, too.

Some people just don't
have the personal fortitude

to work for people they hate.

So, you're saying I have to...

walk?

I'd rather ride in a shitty hatchback

with Satan himself!

Did someone say hatchback?

All aboard the S.S. S.S.!

Ugh! Elon is six hours late.
My Coors is piping-hot now!

Merging technology and government

is an important step Congress must take.

Today, Elon Musk's hyperloop.

Tomorrow, functional voting machines

that don't collapse when
you close the curtain.

This hyperloop will have serious BDE,

which, of course, stands
for Big Dick Energy.

- Yeah. Uh-oh. I said it.
- Can you turn this off?

The hyperloop is gonna
break the Internet.

What does the fox say?

He says, "Anyone who
doubts the hyperloop

can cash me outside, how 'bout dah!"

Can you turn this off, please?

Hey... What? Just wanted
to take another look

- at this hyperloop.
- Turn it off, please!

Let me tell you guys, the
hyperloop will be lit A-F.

- Hyperloop, Felicia!
- Please turn it off!

I've always dreamed we'd
drive south together, doing 90,

tailgating some Hispanic
family road-tripping to Disney.

Can't we just put on the radio?

How about the one CD
that's stuck in there?

Ah-ah. Don't touch the
knob. It only gets louder.

You have any snacks or anything?

Doritos Nacho Blasters?
Cheetos Nacho Blast 'Ems?

Something even better
than junk food... Soylent!

All your daily vitamins
in one thick lurid cream.

How much longer is this gonna be?

This car is sort of the opposite
of that bus from Speed...

once you get over 60,
it immediately blows up.

And that's how I found out
that I'm susceptible to cults

but immune to cyanide capsules.

- Oh, look, we're here.
- Let me out!

Hold on. You have to open
all the doors at once,

or it doesn't work.

Mar-a-Lago. The one place in the world

where I'm welcomed with open,
gold watch-covered arms.

Oh, no! Every board member
is a defense contractor!

Forget the troops!
I pissed off Lockheed Martin!

Lockheed...

M-a-a-a-artin!

Don't feel bad about getting kicked out

of your own country club, sir.

I've been kicked out of
three Red Robins this week

just for scent alone.

Why is it so hot?

I can't turn on the AC without awakening

a nasty colony of hornets
currently breeding in there.

Just. Take me. Back.

- Boo! Boo!
- Troop hater!

Respect the troops!

I hate the people,

but the people aren't
supposed to hate me.

I had military-grade wipers installed

just for these situations.

Comes in handy literally
every moment of my life.

- This button?
- No! That's the AC!

Arm yourself! It's the queen!

Thanks for coming, Jeff Bezos.

I prefer my billionaires
without a full head

of luscious high-tech hair.

I'm glad you called and that
your father put aside our feud

to learn how Amazon is revolutionizing

the way our economy hollows
out the middle class.

Sure. Hey, you know what would be fun?

Doing an Instagram video just for fun.

Hey, Elo... Er, shit. Hey, everybody!

I'm here with my best
billionaire buddy, Jay-zos.

Is Amazon kicking around
any cool innovations?

A flying skateboard?
Really funny glasses?

We're adding low-cost housing

to our intercontinental cargo ships

so Amazon Fulfillment Families can sort

recurring toiletry
orders from the comfort

of their own intermodal containers.

Uck! Why did I think you'd be cool?!

Your claim to fame is delivering
a single tube of toothpaste

in nine pounds of cardboard.

Talk about an understatement.

I won't talk about that, actually!

Those guys had it made.

A beach covered in blood
and guts is still a beach.

There's still time to save
yourself, Mr. President!

Senator Lindsey Graham?
What are you doing here?

I'm always right behind you,

just in case you need something
like a bottle of water,

a folksy saying with racist undertones,

or if you're ever having
trouble with the troops...

- The last one!
- Just go meet 'em.

It's not a sacrifice for you.
It's a sacrifice for them.

They're the ones who gotta climb

out of their bunks at
2 a.m. for a photo op

even though on the ballot
they wrote in "Ron Paul".

But I specifically said I wouldn't go.

How can I betray my principles?

I used to say Donald Trump
was evil human garbage,

but then my best friend
who didn't like me died,

and I needed a new best
friend who didn't like me,

and that's you.

Hey, this is Awesome Chris,

and I'm gonna pour 40 ounces of Patrón

into this helium balloon and swallow it.

I wonder if Awesome
Chris would be my friend.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be with Cory Booker

and his cool weekend jeans?

Eh. Seeing you with another
pursed lipped billionaire

made me miss our laughs.

Remember when we yelled at
that waitress for being old,

and she heard us and frowned?

I never meant to use you.

I just saw an opportunity
to leverage our friendship

for financial and political
gain, and I took it.

You should've just told me that!

I heard your father
needs to get to Iraq.

I could sure use some
help building a hyperloop.

But Iraq is a hundreds of miles away.

Once you get into the ground,
every point is equidistant.

Equi-what?! You are a genius!

Tesla Motors.

The future is affluent.

♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪

♪ It's solar power for the elite ♪

♪ Solar power for the elite ♪

♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪

♪ Electric cars for the one percent ♪

♪ Millionaires fighting
climate change in style ♪

♪ In a car made by that guy ♪

♪ Who called that Thai
diver a pedophile ♪

♪ Pedophile, pedophile ♪

♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪

♪ Electric cars for the elite ♪

Friends, family,

the millions of people
who wanted to be here

but had to pick up a
friend from the airport,

today, I head to the Middle East

to shake the hand of a
United States soldier.

When will I return?

No one knows, but
probably later tonight.

Lindsey, if I don't make it back,

I give you permission to become

an engorged leech upon Mitt Romney.

Thank you, Mr. President.
Give that hand hell!

Oh, shit, no pilot.

The military still hates
me for hating them!

Handshake is canceled.

Should we just blow up
America and start over?

Dad! Wait! I made a friend.

Don, this isn't a time for jokes.

I'm serious! He has this
tube, and you get in,

and it's a car, and then you...

He can explain it better than me,

but you go right to Iraq in,
like, ten minutes or something.

Don't worry, Mr. President.
We worked out all the kinks.

Who's "we"?

Oh, me and your son Don Jr.

Oh, this will not work.

Relax. I know what I'm doing.
I'm from Silicon Vall...

Wh-Wha... What happened?

You blew up, Dad! It was awesome!

And Elon Musk?

He died doing what he loved...

spending lots of money to
explode a thing nobody wanted.

And he'll get to die again, someday.

Elon! You're back!

Well, I downloaded my
personality from the cloud

into a genetically altered corpse.

I won't give any more details
because they're a tad immoral.

Dad, you got wounded while
trying to visit a combat zone!

You're a hero!

And so I stand here in...

Doggy Bag, Iraq...

to shake the hand of the brave citizen

who injured himself on his
way to the line of duty... me.

I encourage the men who serve

and women who abandoned
their gender to serve

to take their own hand and
shake the hell out of it.

Lord knows I'm not gonna.

Y'all nasty!

- Can we go back to bed?
- Ron Paul revolution!

And that was the President
earlier today in Iraq,

giving us the inspiration

for another installment
of President Chump...

who, after his injury, could
receive a Purple Heart.

All he needs is a brain
and some courage,

and he'll be the wizard
of Washington, D.C.

Those are always fun.

Now on to the looming nuclear war

between India and Pakistan.

Trump!