Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Best People - full transcript
Our Cartoon President makes his cabinet more competent to prove he only hires "the best people," while a freshly bearded Ted Cruz sets out to makeover Stephen Miller in his slightly less repulsive image.
In a few moments, Special
Counsel Robert Mueller
will deliver his first public
remarks on his investigation.
It's happening! There
he is! It's happening!
Hooray! He's gonna make
the case for impeachment
so we don't have to!
Oh, no! If Mueller read the
Mueller Report, I'm screwed!
At long last, here is Mr. Mueller.
Mueller! Mueller!
I am speaking today to announce
that our investigation is complete
and to reveal to the American people
that I am really hurt
that only a few of
you read my big report.
I worked super hard on it.
My wife said it was the
best thing she ever read.
Uh-oh.
Now let's get back to
this historic crisis,
which I've decided to punt to
our broken, shithead Congress.
The ball is now in
your turd-strewn court.
Thanks for the homework, asshole.
I trust a room of 500
backstabbing trash bags
of human sludge will
come to a swift consensus.
My god, Chuck. Will this
affect the infrastructure bill?!
Not if there's a God.
Now, I'm sure you expected
that with the eyes
of the nation upon me,
I would at the very least summarize
the President's wrongdoings.
Too bad. I'm a coward.
Anyway, I quit.
Good luck with the whole
saving America thing.
Boooo!
Wait. So it's all on Pelosi? Boo!
It's all on me?! Booooo!
I'm invincible!
And more breaking news.
A new Fox News poll has Trump
trailing Biden by 11 points.
Damn it!
Look at me, Beto!
I can stand on stuff, too! Unh!
I'm Jake Tapper, and
I'll smile when I'm dead.
We're going live now to President Trump
who's sitting down with his cabinet
for a foreign-policy discussion,
and there appears to be
a small but growing fire.
Let's tune in...
Today, we're discussing
my latest proposal
for Middle East peace...
which I whipped up
while on the Pelaton this morning...
So let's stay focused
on the task at hand...
Shut up! Alright. This
is what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow we're launching
drone strikes on every country
that was mean to me in this
dream I had last night...
Iraq, Belgium, and Birdville.
My office has a big list
of all the countries,
and I don't think
Birdville is on the list.
Also the fire has spread
to the hem of my pants.
I'm with Pompeo on this one.
I also appear to be on fire.
Hey! Focus!
Sprinklers!
DeVos, get out the Slip 'N Slide!
Bolton, you son of a bitch,
we need music!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
That cabinet meeting
was more embarrassing
than my dad describing the type of porn
he wanted me to sneak into his prison.
An unnamed source who
definitely isn't me
is leaking that the cabinet is in chaos.
Which is the kind of issue
Democrats would love to
bury you with in 2020.
Just let me get some
competent people in here.
I know how to hire people, Jared.
I learned it from the Dalai Lama himself
at Trump Plaza in 1984.
He taught me how to
see into a person's soul
to determine their true excellence.
To know the best when I see it.
And when I can't see it, I can smell it.
And if it's smelly enough
and the windows are closed,
I can kind of taste it, too.
Of course. The best is
whatever you say is the best.
Don't you tell me what the best is.
The best is whatever I say is the best!
Aha, Chuck Todd!
Now that I've destroyed your argument
against undocumented
children being housed
three to a port-o-potty,
you must do penance
by flogging yourself with
this cat o' nine tails!
Ugh. I always regret not knocking first.
Stevie, I'm afraid your appearance
on Meet The Press is canceled.
But, sir, I've been going on
as many Tinder dates as I can
just to practice talking over people.
The media's coming after my cabinet.
I need someone with sophistication.
Not someone who time
travelers kept trying to kill
when they were a baby.
You're not going to
replace your cabinet again,
are you, Dad? Some of them are so new,
I can't talk to them because
of the Stranger Danger rule.
They're not going anywhere,
unless Herman Cain shows interest,
and I need to trade the whole
team to land that all-star.
Did you see what your
genius cabinet has done?
Cured cancer?
Trump's cabinet is cancer.
Heh. Talk about an air ball.
Here are screw-ups from
the past seven days.
John Bolton locked himself
in the trunk of his own car.
Mike Pompeo wore traditional silk
to meet the Thai delegation
and kept sliding off all the furniture.
Ben Carson fell down the same well
he's fallen down six times.
Anyone looks bad when you
focus on what they did.
I am only in the same house
as you a few days a year.
Hire someone to control these
idiots so I can feel safe.
I suppose it couldn't hurt to
interview a candidate or two.
You know, just in case
any staff get caught
joining the mile-high
club on a log flume!
If you don't get caught,
you're not doing it right!
Say hello to your next
Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty.
Former State Rep, Governor of Minnesota,
and chair of several
presidential campaigns.
Our schedule is pretty grueling.
We demand a three-week commitment,
followed by two weeks of being
maligned by me on social media.
Those you can work from home.
Now let's see what you can do.
I am here to put this house in order.
First, everyone must
attend all meetings.
No more dressing your
housekeeper up in your clothes
and sending her in your place.
Uh-uh-uh.
And for the sake of time-management,
no wasting ten minutes
complimenting the President,
and we all read your
briefings together, word by...
Tim Pawlenty is so fired!
I'd like to thank Tim for
his eight minutes of service,
but I can't because he was terrible!
It's been an honor to
serve you, Mr. President.
Ugh! Go back to
Minnesota and milk a lake!
Go on, get!
So things get a little bumpy
and you go running into
the boring arms of Pawlenty?
Relax. Jared says he has
other great candidates.
Ever heard of Newt Gingrich?
Jared knows this guy who
looks exactly like him.
But only you know who
the best people are.
What's your gut tell you?
- Bigfoot is real.
- What else?
It's telling me that maybe
we shouldn't hire someone
just because he's got a good résumé
and never ran a
glass-bottom boat ashore.
I just feel like I'm in a rut.
The President won't give
me a high-profile role
that allows me to really spread my ooze.
Not everyone has the charismatic
megawatt "it" factor
that makes me a star.
- You're trash!
- Rot in hell! Shame
- Shame! Shame!
- Shame! Shame!
For the sake of other diners,
and so I can look my future
grandchildren in the eye,
I must ask you to leave.
I'll take this to go. If
the chef spits in it again,
tell him to gargle some Cholula first.
It could use a kick.
Well! Well, well, well!
If it isn't Trump's human shield.
Can't go out in public without somebody
taking a long hot wizz on their shoes.
I remember those days.
That was before I grew the
beard and everything changed.
Growing facial hair made
people like Ted Cruz?
Senator Cruz, right this way.
The other diners can't
wait to regard the majesty
of your plentiful whiskers.
Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take
a picture, it'll last longer,
but I don't show up in photographs!
I don't want new people, Jared.
But Americans no longer
trust your cabinet.
This is the first time
since the founding
that the White House has been
denied homeowners insurance.
How can you know that
these people are the best?
Jared, when your dad
picked out which prostitute
to film your uncle having sex with,
he didn't hold a casting call.
He just knew.
Just like I can't know someone's
the best by his résumé.
I know it by the joke
he writes on the check
where he's supposed to leave a tip.
My cabinet is already the best.
And I'm going to teach them
to unlock that bestness
within themselves.
You know what? Let's... Let's do it.
Let's make your team so competent
that they'll stop showing
up late because they went
to the wrong White House.
Help! Help!
Ben Carson fell down
the well again, sir.
Lower a bucket of
saltines to him, Kellyanne!
A lot of saltines! He's
got a big day tomorrow!
Today's gonna be a little different.
Follow the President's lead,
or you'll be just another
loser on the unemployment line
with a million-dollar book deal.
Did someone say "loser"?
How'd you sneak in here?!
Am I here?
- Or am I here?
- Ooh!
They say you're losers, the
worst cabinet in history.
With my teaching, you'll be able
to look them in the eye and say,
"No, you're the worst
cabinet in history!"
Your journey begins now.
Come with me if you want to live.
Oh, God damn it. I don't wanna...
Again? Oh, no. Come on.
I don't wanna go anywhere.
Oh, why do we have to go...
Ugh. Jesus Christ. No.
This is the first time
I've had a visitor.
Are you peckish? Can I offer you
a cold battery from
my freezer to suck on?
Say, what's that on your face?
I want to become more likable
in the eyes of the President,
so I grew a beard exactly like yours.
Any notes?
I'm afraid Donald Trump thinks a man
should keep his face as smooth
as a 3-D printed assault rifle.
He does like a nice
head of hair, though.
You can make a wig out
of my beard shavings.
I would donate it to
a cancer kids charity,
but it causes a vitamin D deficiency
as well as a massive spike
in every other vitamin.
Now you just need a complete
personality transformation.
But who will save America from
caravans of Guatemalan moms
if not Stephen Miller?!
Stephen Miller is
dead! Don't you get it?!
Now let's go make some
hair-lovin' friends.
To be the best, you must believe
you are the best at everything.
I want each of you to walk a tightrope
to the Washington Monument.
The best do not
hesitate; they simply do.
Use the force. There is no spoon.
Time to make the donuts.
- I believe in you.
- You got this!
Watch out for airplanes.
Now I believe in physics!
- You're up, Bolton.
- You can do it, Bolton.
Look at me! I'm a bomb!
Kaboom!
Yeah, I think I got this.
This is terrible. What else is on?
Sir, let me take a crack.
If I can hold my nose and work for
a casino bankrupting
failed steak salesmen...
not you... I can turn this crew around.
Mister Cruz, lovely to see
you and that coarse thicket.
Who is your elegantly coiffed companion?
This is my friend from politics.
- His name is...
- Stefan!
Je m'appelle Stefan Millar.
I am Washington's newest cad about town.
It's ya boy!
Thank God you said Stefan
Millar and not Stephen Miller.
He's as disgusting as the
things we do to his food.
Sea bass marinated in
the liquid wrung from
the bus boy's exercise undergarments.
Table bread that's been
dipped in industrial cleaner
and used to clean tables.
That one actually tasted pretty good.
I once straight up took
a dump on his kale caesar.
Right this way, Mister Millar!
Yes, sir!
Before you sits a spirit potion
composed of Diet Coke
concentrate and expired pills
I swiped from the
President's nightstand.
Drink deep, and you will
walk the path to bestness...
or you'll die instantly.
Win, win.
We have the best people...
The best people... The best people...
The best people... The best people...
Best people. We have the
best people in the world.
The best people... Best people...
Best people... best people...
Best people... best people...
Best people... best
people... best people...
I'm finally dead. And
I still have my wallet!
I knew I could take my money with me!
No way would I be dead
and not burning in hell.
Must be some lame spiritual plane
where all truth is revealed.
To walk the path to bestness,
you must embrace these truths...
If he says it, you agree.
Do not do for yourself what you can scam
a subcontractor into doing for you.
And Graydon Carter should have
been fired from Vanity Fair
a long time ago,
that magazine has never
recovered, such a shame.
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
Graydon Carter sucks.
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
Graydon Carter sucks. I agree.
How 'bout that economy?
Is it doing great or what?
I... agree?
Wow! Nothin' but net, Bolton.
- Betsy. Schools?
- Very schools!
Swish!
Mike Pompeo, North Korea?
Uh, gettin' Norther every day.
Three points and the foul.
- Mnuchin?
- We got money in the thing.
Basketball went in
the basketball basket!
Last but not least, Ben Carson.
- Where are we on...
- Graydon Carter sucks?
Ben with the buzzer beater!
They gave that guy a magazine? Terrible.
Everyone, you are truly the best.
Last week, we said the President
should have his entire cabinet executed
and run the government by himself.
But we're eatin' those words
after yesterday's cabinet meeting
went off without a single
gun fired into the ceilin'!
I won them back!
And they've questioned my every move
since declaring me infallible.
When we come back, the hot goss
on the Beltway It Boy, Stefan Millar.
Just last night he was
seen at a restaurant
Gwyneth Paltrow might visit someday.
Jared, get me Stefan Millar.
He's got something special...
he was just on my TV.
GQ loves you so much.
Now break that news, baby.
I can take it.
Stefan Millar is less a spokesperson
and more a way of life.
Stefan...
A lot of people tell me I'm the
smartest guy they've ever met.
And I'm like, "You need
to meet more people!"
Meet more people...
Confession! I've gone to
the grocery store in pajamas!
Relatable...
People ask me what I'm thinking
about during these things.
To be honest... pizza and Netflix. Ha!
Here's to being the best people,
and all it took was drinking poison.
Cheers!
Oh, wow. A fan's sending
us a bottle of wine.
- You still suck!
- We still hate you!
Excuse me. Uh, since my name is already
a nationwide trending topic
just for approaching your table,
I must ask you to leave.
Stefan Millar, I saw you
on Fox & Friends, so you got the job.
I'm thinking new press secretary/
speechwriter/best friend.
- I won't let you down, sir!
- Cool.
Your first job is to fire
the guy you're replacing.
Get Stephen Miller in here.
Um, shouldn't I fill out my
on-boarding paperwork first?
We don't do that kind of thing here.
This is gonna be pathetic.
I can't watch.
Um...
This is Stephen Miller!
Who are you, and why are you so cool?!
I'm Stefan Millar,
and you're fired, Stephen Miller.
But Mr. President,
I, Stephen Miller, can change!
I can't hear you,
Stevie. My back is turned.
I, Stephen Miller, won't
leave without a fight!
I challenge you, Stefan
Millar, to a sword fight!
Draw your sword, coward!
Ting! Ting! Shing!
Wow. I'd turn around and watch,
but I don't want to move out
of this nice warm sunbeam.
Hunh! Curses!
I, Stephen Miller, am slain!
Tell Rush Limbaugh...
I'll be tuning in from on high.
Arrrgh!
Whew!
Who are you five lovely maidens?
We are Stephen Miller's girlfriends!
Sandy, Mandy, Candy, Tandy, and Shandy!
Who will give us the gift of child now?
I, Stefan Millar, will
fertilize each of you
with my oxygenized seed.
Oh, thank heavens!
See you later for the good type of sex
we had with Stephen
Miller all of the time.
Wee-oo wee-oo! We are the police!
We would arrest you for murder,
but you're just too cool.
Here, we'll get this
body out of the way. Unh!
Holy hell! What a ripped body!
Weee-oo! Weee-oo!
It's done, sir.
How did he take it?
I know everyone's a little down,
but this is the burden
of being the best.
The Dalai Lama was hated
so much, not a single
Atlantic City T-shirt shop
let him use their bathroom.
But the important thing is,
I'm happy, so everything's fine!
Maybe it's because someone poured
béarnaise sauce into my handbag,
but I'm not feeling the best anymore.
- Join the club, sister.
- Yeah.
There's a steak knife in my leg.
Your only rule is...
if Stephen Miller would have
said it, say the opposite.
I guess his ideas did only make
sense to people hung like him.
Meet my new press
secretary, Stefan Millar.
He's gonna charm the pants off ya,
so leave your pants over there
in the bin marked "pants."
Stefan, how do you feel about the ruling
that the undocumented can't
be detained indefinitely?
Jim... I... am not furious.
And we are not...
planning to rendition the
judges to a black site in Qatar.
Go easy, guys. This is Stefan
Millar, not Stephen Miller.
You can tell because Stefan
didn't just finish eating
a candy bar that I rubbed
on a bathroom floor.
Good one, Mr. President.
When my Grandpa died, I slipped
a stick of gum into his coffin,
then a year later, I dug up the body,
grabbed the stick of gum,
and gave it to Stephen Miller.
He chewed it on camera!
Acosta, you're alright.
I made Palomas, no
thanks to you jerkholes.
God, Mattis! I said I'd help
after my meditation hike!
You just love playing the victim.
Oh, kiss my ass, McMaster.
John Kelly, four star general
of the United States military, retired.
Namaste?
Sorry to bother you, guys.
Me and the fellas were just wondering,
since we're all in Trump's cabinet,
does that mean we're the best?
Not only are you not the best,
but simply by working there
you're guaranteeing your obituaries
will include the word "co-conspirator."
Get the hell out of there
while you can still work
as a graveyard-shift
commentator on Fox Business!
Where are my besties? I want
to watch them fall again.
I'm afraid the whole
cabinet resigned, sir.
_
You sure this isn't a suicide note?
Don't worry. They're alive.
I got like six calls today
from Celebrity Big Brother
checking their references.
This doesn't make sense.
I've always hired the best people,
ever since my days with the Dalai Lama.
Sir, about that...
The bad news is the Dalai Lama
was a vagrant who wore bed sheets
and sold Rubik's Cubes on the boardwalk.
The good news is I got
us a deal on T-shirts
that say "Jersey Girls Aren't
Trash. Trash Gets Taken Out."
If the Times runs this story tomorrow,
it's because someone stole my phone
and texted it to them just now.
Wait. If I hired them and
they're not the best people,
then I might not be the best
person, but I am the best.
This is the sort of paradox
that fake Dalai Lama
would know just the right T-shirt for.
At least the Democrats can't
use my cabinet against me
if I don't have a cabinet anymore.
Democratic strategists
are focus testing their new 2020 slogan,
"Trump's So Lame Even His
Loser Cabinet Ditched Him."
Crap. That's a winner.
Of course, Trump still has
Stefan Millar in his stable.
But for how long?
Why aren't you excited?
You got everything you wanted,
and all you had to
do was sell your soul.
Exactly.
It's Stefan Millar at the
podium, not Stephen Miller.
What's the point if I can't
describe the border wall
in vivid, sexually vulgar detail?
Big, pulsating turrets
quivering with gunfire!
Try not to hurt your new image.
Don't let your mouth write checks
my beard hair glued to
your scalp can't cash.
Compliments of the house,
the finest wine Mexico has to offer.
Mexico... Mexico... Mexico...
Mexico... Mexico...
Oh-hoo-hoo! Those Oaxacan grapes
are bringing sweet nourishment
to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz!
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz!
Mexico...
- Mexico... Mexico... Mexico.
- Oh, God.
It's so good!
I'm sorry, Stephen Miller! Aaah!
Ya Boy's so sorry!
Sometimes I stare into the distance,
wondering if, across the world,
there's a little kid in
Birdville staring back at me.
You really miss your cabinet, don't you?
We had one of our best
days together up here.
This is where they all
fell and nearly died.
Hey, Dad. Remember when me and Eric
- were little kids?
- Gross.
Remember what you used to
tell us before we went to bed?
You'd say...
You're nothing without me.
And if I ever die, which I
won't, you'll be nothing again.
Night, Dad!
That kept me going, Dad.
I knew I didn't need to work hard
or have any talent, intelligence,
or even a tolerable personality.
I just needed you.
I wanted to give my
kids the whole world,
and since I am the whole world, I did.
And that's what you should
have done with your cabinet.
To be the best, they don't need
to have faith in themselves.
They just need to have faith in you.
Thanks, Don.
Tell General Kellyanne to
get my cabinet back here
so they can watch the best be the best!
Oh, and Don...
You're still nothing without me.
I know, Dad. I know.
Hey! Try using a star
of David to dot the I.
- That's a really cool idea, man.
- _
Hey, you look like Stephen
Miller. You know that guy?
He was one of the most
talented bigots in the game.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
So do I.
He used to eat at the
Shakey's where I worked.
Man, we'd all compete to
see how much of our insides
we could get onto each slice.
Still, hell of a racist, though.
They're not coming, are they?
Trust me, Mr. President,
they'll be here.
Did I win?!
Is this the championship episode?!
None of you losers are
contestants on The Amazing Race.
I lied to get you here.
- Aww!
- That stinks.
A vagrant with IBS who I
thought was the Dalai Lama
taught me about the dichotomy of man.
Just like a Rubik's Cube can
be both solved and unsolved
if you never take it out of the box,
an employee can be both
the best and the worst.
Without me, you're all the worst,
but you're all the best because of me.
And now I'll prove it...
by walking to the Washington Monument!
Tell my wife she loves me!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he's really doing it!
Is the Secret Service
really allowing this?
I'm comin' home, Birdville Boy.
Fake... news?
Who had June for Trump toppling
the Washington Monument?
- That was me! Pay up.
- Aww.
Oh, man.
I hope the people at
the top of that monument
had their seatbelts on.
What the!
God, I'm so friggin' embarrassed.
Someone do something! Where's Stefan?!
Stefan can't help you, Mr. President,
but I know someone who can!
This is Stephen Miller!
The President's life
has been put in danger
by this Mexican manufactured tightrope
which was clearly sabotaged!
Just as Mexicans have sabotaged
the dream of millions of Americans
to get a job debeaking
chickens at a factory farm!
We must retaliate against this
hostile act with military might!
Breaking news. Stephen
Miller has announced
the administration has
declared war on Mexico,
causing viewers to seek comfort
in the folds of my deeply furrowed brow.
It's good to have you all back.
I'm glad you've come to see
that because I'm the best, you are, too.
Also, all the job interviews we went on
ended up being really
violent YouTube pranks.
I want to especially
commend Stefan Millar
who changed the conversation
about me destroying a national monument
by launching a debate
over an unnecessary war.
Actually, sir, it was I, Stephen Miller!
I was Stefan Millar the whole time.
Got it. Fire Stefan Millar
for leaving me out to dry last night.
Right away, sir!
Stefan, en garde!
Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting!
Hello, boys!
Ah. My insatiable maidens have returned!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Just like old times,
with a nice cozy uncontrolled
fire to keep us warm.
I think Wilbur Ross just
died of smoke inhalation!
What should we do?!
Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop
up his corpse and mix it
into Stephen Miller's food!
Yay!
Trump!
Counsel Robert Mueller
will deliver his first public
remarks on his investigation.
It's happening! There
he is! It's happening!
Hooray! He's gonna make
the case for impeachment
so we don't have to!
Oh, no! If Mueller read the
Mueller Report, I'm screwed!
At long last, here is Mr. Mueller.
Mueller! Mueller!
I am speaking today to announce
that our investigation is complete
and to reveal to the American people
that I am really hurt
that only a few of
you read my big report.
I worked super hard on it.
My wife said it was the
best thing she ever read.
Uh-oh.
Now let's get back to
this historic crisis,
which I've decided to punt to
our broken, shithead Congress.
The ball is now in
your turd-strewn court.
Thanks for the homework, asshole.
I trust a room of 500
backstabbing trash bags
of human sludge will
come to a swift consensus.
My god, Chuck. Will this
affect the infrastructure bill?!
Not if there's a God.
Now, I'm sure you expected
that with the eyes
of the nation upon me,
I would at the very least summarize
the President's wrongdoings.
Too bad. I'm a coward.
Anyway, I quit.
Good luck with the whole
saving America thing.
Boooo!
Wait. So it's all on Pelosi? Boo!
It's all on me?! Booooo!
I'm invincible!
And more breaking news.
A new Fox News poll has Trump
trailing Biden by 11 points.
Damn it!
Look at me, Beto!
I can stand on stuff, too! Unh!
I'm Jake Tapper, and
I'll smile when I'm dead.
We're going live now to President Trump
who's sitting down with his cabinet
for a foreign-policy discussion,
and there appears to be
a small but growing fire.
Let's tune in...
Today, we're discussing
my latest proposal
for Middle East peace...
which I whipped up
while on the Pelaton this morning...
So let's stay focused
on the task at hand...
Shut up! Alright. This
is what we're gonna do.
Tomorrow we're launching
drone strikes on every country
that was mean to me in this
dream I had last night...
Iraq, Belgium, and Birdville.
My office has a big list
of all the countries,
and I don't think
Birdville is on the list.
Also the fire has spread
to the hem of my pants.
I'm with Pompeo on this one.
I also appear to be on fire.
Hey! Focus!
Sprinklers!
DeVos, get out the Slip 'N Slide!
Bolton, you son of a bitch,
we need music!
Yay! Yay! Yay!
That cabinet meeting
was more embarrassing
than my dad describing the type of porn
he wanted me to sneak into his prison.
An unnamed source who
definitely isn't me
is leaking that the cabinet is in chaos.
Which is the kind of issue
Democrats would love to
bury you with in 2020.
Just let me get some
competent people in here.
I know how to hire people, Jared.
I learned it from the Dalai Lama himself
at Trump Plaza in 1984.
He taught me how to
see into a person's soul
to determine their true excellence.
To know the best when I see it.
And when I can't see it, I can smell it.
And if it's smelly enough
and the windows are closed,
I can kind of taste it, too.
Of course. The best is
whatever you say is the best.
Don't you tell me what the best is.
The best is whatever I say is the best!
Aha, Chuck Todd!
Now that I've destroyed your argument
against undocumented
children being housed
three to a port-o-potty,
you must do penance
by flogging yourself with
this cat o' nine tails!
Ugh. I always regret not knocking first.
Stevie, I'm afraid your appearance
on Meet The Press is canceled.
But, sir, I've been going on
as many Tinder dates as I can
just to practice talking over people.
The media's coming after my cabinet.
I need someone with sophistication.
Not someone who time
travelers kept trying to kill
when they were a baby.
You're not going to
replace your cabinet again,
are you, Dad? Some of them are so new,
I can't talk to them because
of the Stranger Danger rule.
They're not going anywhere,
unless Herman Cain shows interest,
and I need to trade the whole
team to land that all-star.
Did you see what your
genius cabinet has done?
Cured cancer?
Trump's cabinet is cancer.
Heh. Talk about an air ball.
Here are screw-ups from
the past seven days.
John Bolton locked himself
in the trunk of his own car.
Mike Pompeo wore traditional silk
to meet the Thai delegation
and kept sliding off all the furniture.
Ben Carson fell down the same well
he's fallen down six times.
Anyone looks bad when you
focus on what they did.
I am only in the same house
as you a few days a year.
Hire someone to control these
idiots so I can feel safe.
I suppose it couldn't hurt to
interview a candidate or two.
You know, just in case
any staff get caught
joining the mile-high
club on a log flume!
If you don't get caught,
you're not doing it right!
Say hello to your next
Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty.
Former State Rep, Governor of Minnesota,
and chair of several
presidential campaigns.
Our schedule is pretty grueling.
We demand a three-week commitment,
followed by two weeks of being
maligned by me on social media.
Those you can work from home.
Now let's see what you can do.
I am here to put this house in order.
First, everyone must
attend all meetings.
No more dressing your
housekeeper up in your clothes
and sending her in your place.
Uh-uh-uh.
And for the sake of time-management,
no wasting ten minutes
complimenting the President,
and we all read your
briefings together, word by...
Tim Pawlenty is so fired!
I'd like to thank Tim for
his eight minutes of service,
but I can't because he was terrible!
It's been an honor to
serve you, Mr. President.
Ugh! Go back to
Minnesota and milk a lake!
Go on, get!
So things get a little bumpy
and you go running into
the boring arms of Pawlenty?
Relax. Jared says he has
other great candidates.
Ever heard of Newt Gingrich?
Jared knows this guy who
looks exactly like him.
But only you know who
the best people are.
What's your gut tell you?
- Bigfoot is real.
- What else?
It's telling me that maybe
we shouldn't hire someone
just because he's got a good résumé
and never ran a
glass-bottom boat ashore.
I just feel like I'm in a rut.
The President won't give
me a high-profile role
that allows me to really spread my ooze.
Not everyone has the charismatic
megawatt "it" factor
that makes me a star.
- You're trash!
- Rot in hell! Shame
- Shame! Shame!
- Shame! Shame!
For the sake of other diners,
and so I can look my future
grandchildren in the eye,
I must ask you to leave.
I'll take this to go. If
the chef spits in it again,
tell him to gargle some Cholula first.
It could use a kick.
Well! Well, well, well!
If it isn't Trump's human shield.
Can't go out in public without somebody
taking a long hot wizz on their shoes.
I remember those days.
That was before I grew the
beard and everything changed.
Growing facial hair made
people like Ted Cruz?
Senator Cruz, right this way.
The other diners can't
wait to regard the majesty
of your plentiful whiskers.
Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take
a picture, it'll last longer,
but I don't show up in photographs!
I don't want new people, Jared.
But Americans no longer
trust your cabinet.
This is the first time
since the founding
that the White House has been
denied homeowners insurance.
How can you know that
these people are the best?
Jared, when your dad
picked out which prostitute
to film your uncle having sex with,
he didn't hold a casting call.
He just knew.
Just like I can't know someone's
the best by his résumé.
I know it by the joke
he writes on the check
where he's supposed to leave a tip.
My cabinet is already the best.
And I'm going to teach them
to unlock that bestness
within themselves.
You know what? Let's... Let's do it.
Let's make your team so competent
that they'll stop showing
up late because they went
to the wrong White House.
Help! Help!
Ben Carson fell down
the well again, sir.
Lower a bucket of
saltines to him, Kellyanne!
A lot of saltines! He's
got a big day tomorrow!
Today's gonna be a little different.
Follow the President's lead,
or you'll be just another
loser on the unemployment line
with a million-dollar book deal.
Did someone say "loser"?
How'd you sneak in here?!
Am I here?
- Or am I here?
- Ooh!
They say you're losers, the
worst cabinet in history.
With my teaching, you'll be able
to look them in the eye and say,
"No, you're the worst
cabinet in history!"
Your journey begins now.
Come with me if you want to live.
Oh, God damn it. I don't wanna...
Again? Oh, no. Come on.
I don't wanna go anywhere.
Oh, why do we have to go...
Ugh. Jesus Christ. No.
This is the first time
I've had a visitor.
Are you peckish? Can I offer you
a cold battery from
my freezer to suck on?
Say, what's that on your face?
I want to become more likable
in the eyes of the President,
so I grew a beard exactly like yours.
Any notes?
I'm afraid Donald Trump thinks a man
should keep his face as smooth
as a 3-D printed assault rifle.
He does like a nice
head of hair, though.
You can make a wig out
of my beard shavings.
I would donate it to
a cancer kids charity,
but it causes a vitamin D deficiency
as well as a massive spike
in every other vitamin.
Now you just need a complete
personality transformation.
But who will save America from
caravans of Guatemalan moms
if not Stephen Miller?!
Stephen Miller is
dead! Don't you get it?!
Now let's go make some
hair-lovin' friends.
To be the best, you must believe
you are the best at everything.
I want each of you to walk a tightrope
to the Washington Monument.
The best do not
hesitate; they simply do.
Use the force. There is no spoon.
Time to make the donuts.
- I believe in you.
- You got this!
Watch out for airplanes.
Now I believe in physics!
- You're up, Bolton.
- You can do it, Bolton.
Look at me! I'm a bomb!
Kaboom!
Yeah, I think I got this.
This is terrible. What else is on?
Sir, let me take a crack.
If I can hold my nose and work for
a casino bankrupting
failed steak salesmen...
not you... I can turn this crew around.
Mister Cruz, lovely to see
you and that coarse thicket.
Who is your elegantly coiffed companion?
This is my friend from politics.
- His name is...
- Stefan!
Je m'appelle Stefan Millar.
I am Washington's newest cad about town.
It's ya boy!
Thank God you said Stefan
Millar and not Stephen Miller.
He's as disgusting as the
things we do to his food.
Sea bass marinated in
the liquid wrung from
the bus boy's exercise undergarments.
Table bread that's been
dipped in industrial cleaner
and used to clean tables.
That one actually tasted pretty good.
I once straight up took
a dump on his kale caesar.
Right this way, Mister Millar!
Yes, sir!
Before you sits a spirit potion
composed of Diet Coke
concentrate and expired pills
I swiped from the
President's nightstand.
Drink deep, and you will
walk the path to bestness...
or you'll die instantly.
Win, win.
We have the best people...
The best people... The best people...
The best people... The best people...
Best people. We have the
best people in the world.
The best people... Best people...
Best people... best people...
Best people... best people...
Best people... best
people... best people...
I'm finally dead. And
I still have my wallet!
I knew I could take my money with me!
No way would I be dead
and not burning in hell.
Must be some lame spiritual plane
where all truth is revealed.
To walk the path to bestness,
you must embrace these truths...
If he says it, you agree.
Do not do for yourself what you can scam
a subcontractor into doing for you.
And Graydon Carter should have
been fired from Vanity Fair
a long time ago,
that magazine has never
recovered, such a shame.
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
Graydon Carter sucks.
I agree. Scam subcontractors.
Graydon Carter sucks. I agree.
How 'bout that economy?
Is it doing great or what?
I... agree?
Wow! Nothin' but net, Bolton.
- Betsy. Schools?
- Very schools!
Swish!
Mike Pompeo, North Korea?
Uh, gettin' Norther every day.
Three points and the foul.
- Mnuchin?
- We got money in the thing.
Basketball went in
the basketball basket!
Last but not least, Ben Carson.
- Where are we on...
- Graydon Carter sucks?
Ben with the buzzer beater!
They gave that guy a magazine? Terrible.
Everyone, you are truly the best.
Last week, we said the President
should have his entire cabinet executed
and run the government by himself.
But we're eatin' those words
after yesterday's cabinet meeting
went off without a single
gun fired into the ceilin'!
I won them back!
And they've questioned my every move
since declaring me infallible.
When we come back, the hot goss
on the Beltway It Boy, Stefan Millar.
Just last night he was
seen at a restaurant
Gwyneth Paltrow might visit someday.
Jared, get me Stefan Millar.
He's got something special...
he was just on my TV.
GQ loves you so much.
Now break that news, baby.
I can take it.
Stefan Millar is less a spokesperson
and more a way of life.
Stefan...
A lot of people tell me I'm the
smartest guy they've ever met.
And I'm like, "You need
to meet more people!"
Meet more people...
Confession! I've gone to
the grocery store in pajamas!
Relatable...
People ask me what I'm thinking
about during these things.
To be honest... pizza and Netflix. Ha!
Here's to being the best people,
and all it took was drinking poison.
Cheers!
Oh, wow. A fan's sending
us a bottle of wine.
- You still suck!
- We still hate you!
Excuse me. Uh, since my name is already
a nationwide trending topic
just for approaching your table,
I must ask you to leave.
Stefan Millar, I saw you
on Fox & Friends, so you got the job.
I'm thinking new press secretary/
speechwriter/best friend.
- I won't let you down, sir!
- Cool.
Your first job is to fire
the guy you're replacing.
Get Stephen Miller in here.
Um, shouldn't I fill out my
on-boarding paperwork first?
We don't do that kind of thing here.
This is gonna be pathetic.
I can't watch.
Um...
This is Stephen Miller!
Who are you, and why are you so cool?!
I'm Stefan Millar,
and you're fired, Stephen Miller.
But Mr. President,
I, Stephen Miller, can change!
I can't hear you,
Stevie. My back is turned.
I, Stephen Miller, won't
leave without a fight!
I challenge you, Stefan
Millar, to a sword fight!
Draw your sword, coward!
Ting! Ting! Shing!
Wow. I'd turn around and watch,
but I don't want to move out
of this nice warm sunbeam.
Hunh! Curses!
I, Stephen Miller, am slain!
Tell Rush Limbaugh...
I'll be tuning in from on high.
Arrrgh!
Whew!
Who are you five lovely maidens?
We are Stephen Miller's girlfriends!
Sandy, Mandy, Candy, Tandy, and Shandy!
Who will give us the gift of child now?
I, Stefan Millar, will
fertilize each of you
with my oxygenized seed.
Oh, thank heavens!
See you later for the good type of sex
we had with Stephen
Miller all of the time.
Wee-oo wee-oo! We are the police!
We would arrest you for murder,
but you're just too cool.
Here, we'll get this
body out of the way. Unh!
Holy hell! What a ripped body!
Weee-oo! Weee-oo!
It's done, sir.
How did he take it?
I know everyone's a little down,
but this is the burden
of being the best.
The Dalai Lama was hated
so much, not a single
Atlantic City T-shirt shop
let him use their bathroom.
But the important thing is,
I'm happy, so everything's fine!
Maybe it's because someone poured
béarnaise sauce into my handbag,
but I'm not feeling the best anymore.
- Join the club, sister.
- Yeah.
There's a steak knife in my leg.
Your only rule is...
if Stephen Miller would have
said it, say the opposite.
I guess his ideas did only make
sense to people hung like him.
Meet my new press
secretary, Stefan Millar.
He's gonna charm the pants off ya,
so leave your pants over there
in the bin marked "pants."
Stefan, how do you feel about the ruling
that the undocumented can't
be detained indefinitely?
Jim... I... am not furious.
And we are not...
planning to rendition the
judges to a black site in Qatar.
Go easy, guys. This is Stefan
Millar, not Stephen Miller.
You can tell because Stefan
didn't just finish eating
a candy bar that I rubbed
on a bathroom floor.
Good one, Mr. President.
When my Grandpa died, I slipped
a stick of gum into his coffin,
then a year later, I dug up the body,
grabbed the stick of gum,
and gave it to Stephen Miller.
He chewed it on camera!
Acosta, you're alright.
I made Palomas, no
thanks to you jerkholes.
God, Mattis! I said I'd help
after my meditation hike!
You just love playing the victim.
Oh, kiss my ass, McMaster.
John Kelly, four star general
of the United States military, retired.
Namaste?
Sorry to bother you, guys.
Me and the fellas were just wondering,
since we're all in Trump's cabinet,
does that mean we're the best?
Not only are you not the best,
but simply by working there
you're guaranteeing your obituaries
will include the word "co-conspirator."
Get the hell out of there
while you can still work
as a graveyard-shift
commentator on Fox Business!
Where are my besties? I want
to watch them fall again.
I'm afraid the whole
cabinet resigned, sir.
_
You sure this isn't a suicide note?
Don't worry. They're alive.
I got like six calls today
from Celebrity Big Brother
checking their references.
This doesn't make sense.
I've always hired the best people,
ever since my days with the Dalai Lama.
Sir, about that...
The bad news is the Dalai Lama
was a vagrant who wore bed sheets
and sold Rubik's Cubes on the boardwalk.
The good news is I got
us a deal on T-shirts
that say "Jersey Girls Aren't
Trash. Trash Gets Taken Out."
If the Times runs this story tomorrow,
it's because someone stole my phone
and texted it to them just now.
Wait. If I hired them and
they're not the best people,
then I might not be the best
person, but I am the best.
This is the sort of paradox
that fake Dalai Lama
would know just the right T-shirt for.
At least the Democrats can't
use my cabinet against me
if I don't have a cabinet anymore.
Democratic strategists
are focus testing their new 2020 slogan,
"Trump's So Lame Even His
Loser Cabinet Ditched Him."
Crap. That's a winner.
Of course, Trump still has
Stefan Millar in his stable.
But for how long?
Why aren't you excited?
You got everything you wanted,
and all you had to
do was sell your soul.
Exactly.
It's Stefan Millar at the
podium, not Stephen Miller.
What's the point if I can't
describe the border wall
in vivid, sexually vulgar detail?
Big, pulsating turrets
quivering with gunfire!
Try not to hurt your new image.
Don't let your mouth write checks
my beard hair glued to
your scalp can't cash.
Compliments of the house,
the finest wine Mexico has to offer.
Mexico... Mexico... Mexico...
Mexico... Mexico...
Oh-hoo-hoo! Those Oaxacan grapes
are bringing sweet nourishment
to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz!
Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz!
Mexico...
- Mexico... Mexico... Mexico.
- Oh, God.
It's so good!
I'm sorry, Stephen Miller! Aaah!
Ya Boy's so sorry!
Sometimes I stare into the distance,
wondering if, across the world,
there's a little kid in
Birdville staring back at me.
You really miss your cabinet, don't you?
We had one of our best
days together up here.
This is where they all
fell and nearly died.
Hey, Dad. Remember when me and Eric
- were little kids?
- Gross.
Remember what you used to
tell us before we went to bed?
You'd say...
You're nothing without me.
And if I ever die, which I
won't, you'll be nothing again.
Night, Dad!
That kept me going, Dad.
I knew I didn't need to work hard
or have any talent, intelligence,
or even a tolerable personality.
I just needed you.
I wanted to give my
kids the whole world,
and since I am the whole world, I did.
And that's what you should
have done with your cabinet.
To be the best, they don't need
to have faith in themselves.
They just need to have faith in you.
Thanks, Don.
Tell General Kellyanne to
get my cabinet back here
so they can watch the best be the best!
Oh, and Don...
You're still nothing without me.
I know, Dad. I know.
Hey! Try using a star
of David to dot the I.
- That's a really cool idea, man.
- _
Hey, you look like Stephen
Miller. You know that guy?
He was one of the most
talented bigots in the game.
I wonder whatever happened to him.
So do I.
He used to eat at the
Shakey's where I worked.
Man, we'd all compete to
see how much of our insides
we could get onto each slice.
Still, hell of a racist, though.
They're not coming, are they?
Trust me, Mr. President,
they'll be here.
Did I win?!
Is this the championship episode?!
None of you losers are
contestants on The Amazing Race.
I lied to get you here.
- Aww!
- That stinks.
A vagrant with IBS who I
thought was the Dalai Lama
taught me about the dichotomy of man.
Just like a Rubik's Cube can
be both solved and unsolved
if you never take it out of the box,
an employee can be both
the best and the worst.
Without me, you're all the worst,
but you're all the best because of me.
And now I'll prove it...
by walking to the Washington Monument!
Tell my wife she loves me!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he's really doing it!
Is the Secret Service
really allowing this?
I'm comin' home, Birdville Boy.
Fake... news?
Who had June for Trump toppling
the Washington Monument?
- That was me! Pay up.
- Aww.
Oh, man.
I hope the people at
the top of that monument
had their seatbelts on.
What the!
God, I'm so friggin' embarrassed.
Someone do something! Where's Stefan?!
Stefan can't help you, Mr. President,
but I know someone who can!
This is Stephen Miller!
The President's life
has been put in danger
by this Mexican manufactured tightrope
which was clearly sabotaged!
Just as Mexicans have sabotaged
the dream of millions of Americans
to get a job debeaking
chickens at a factory farm!
We must retaliate against this
hostile act with military might!
Breaking news. Stephen
Miller has announced
the administration has
declared war on Mexico,
causing viewers to seek comfort
in the folds of my deeply furrowed brow.
It's good to have you all back.
I'm glad you've come to see
that because I'm the best, you are, too.
Also, all the job interviews we went on
ended up being really
violent YouTube pranks.
I want to especially
commend Stefan Millar
who changed the conversation
about me destroying a national monument
by launching a debate
over an unnecessary war.
Actually, sir, it was I, Stephen Miller!
I was Stefan Millar the whole time.
Got it. Fire Stefan Millar
for leaving me out to dry last night.
Right away, sir!
Stefan, en garde!
Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting!
Hello, boys!
Ah. My insatiable maidens have returned!
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Just like old times,
with a nice cozy uncontrolled
fire to keep us warm.
I think Wilbur Ross just
died of smoke inhalation!
What should we do?!
Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop
up his corpse and mix it
into Stephen Miller's food!
Yay!
Trump!