Our Cartoon President (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Election Special 2018 - full transcript

The year was 2016,

or as historians know it now,
the Age of Shadows.

America was led by a Kenyan
socialist bisexual named

"Something Hussein Something."

Not one Supreme Court Justice
had a friend named "Squi."

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

had yet to be replaced
by a statue of Kid Rock.

But then, though the shadows,
pierced a light.

America is a shithole,

but all of our problems will be solved

if you believe me when I say,
"Problem solved!"



And they did.

Within seconds,
the nation was perfect.

But only one thing could
destroy that ...

Democrats feeling like voting.

Let's just hook up in your bedroom.

I told you. It echoes in here,
and I've always wanted

- to hear myself get laid.
- What is this place?

They used to call it
the State Department.

Legend has it that Old Lady Clinton

went totally nutso in these halls.

Sometimes you can hear her
deleting her e-mails!

Stop it!
You're scaring me!

Don't worry.
It's just me and you.

- Busted!
- Eric!



I told you to egg
Robert Mueller's house

- with bricks.
- And I told you that it's weird

to kiss someone older
than your stepmom.

We begin tonight with

- the midterm elections.
- What the heck was that?

- Old Lady Clinton!
- Sack up, Eric.

But first, the generic
Congressional ballot

has been a strong predictor
of the midterm elections.

She said a generic Democrat

beats a generic Republican
by seven points!

If Dad loses Congress,
he'll get impeached,

and we'll have to beg
Trump Wine for our jobs back!

Boys, there's something you need to see.

If polls like the one Rachel Maddow

mentioned are accurate, we could
all be tossed out of our jobs

and into eight-figure consulting
gigs by Valentine's Day.

- Shit, we have to tell Dad!
- I'm freaking out!

- We're not gonna tell your dad.
- But what if he can stop it?

He defies conventional polling

and mankind's will to sustain itself.

If anyone can turn around
this election, it's him.

♪ Trumpety-Trump-Trump ♪

♪ It's Trumpety-Trump ♪

Dad, good news!
We're gonna win the midterms!

That's what I came
to tell you, dumbass!

Your party's in deep shit, and
I'm too dead to bail you out.

Don't worry, Dad.
America loves me.

The only person who loves you
is me and I hate you!

Love you, too, Dad!

Time for work!

♪ Three white people on a couch ♪

♪ It's "Fox & Friends"! ♪

The sun's out,
the ocean's boiling,

and the soup of the day
is polar bear bisque!

Speaking of God's plan,
the red wave is coming.

That's according to
the Fox News shows

before and after
this Fox News show!

That's three sources, folks.

- Dad!
- Don't tell him, Don!

Sure, 90% of Republicans love you,

but only 20% of voters
admit they're Republican.

Hmm, I alone can fix this.
Someone get me a red Sharpie!

Every modern president has lost
seats in the midterm election.

Except for George W. Bush after 9/11.

Interesting.
Could you send in

- Stephen Miller for an unrelated project?
- Don't even think about it.

Right, someone could be listening.

If I'm reading a book
to schoolchildren,

- I'll know it's a go.
- Sir...

Relax, the polls looked bad in 2016

and I only lost by a little bit,
but still won. We'll be fine.

I'm Wolf... Blitzer.

I'm about to turn on the news
hose, so get ready to get wet.

According to a new report,
hackers connected

to the Russian government
have penetrated

voter registration systems
across the country.

Whoo! Go, Russia, go!

That has prompted state
and local governments

to accelerate efforts to
secure election integrity.

- Boo!
- Dad, don't worry.

- I got a killer election strategy.
- Hold on. Last time this one

came to the family with
a "killer election strategy,"

I ended up in a high-risk, zero
reward meeting with some Russians,

and now every week, I have a
laugh-free lunch with Robert Mueller.

And you didn't invite me?!

I told you I wanted to expand
my social circle!

Don, I'm sure
your strategy is great,

but great for you
is what most people

consider the biggest failure
of their lives.

Hello?

Hello?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,
face of the new left.

You support Medicare for all,
student loan forgiveness,

and replacing prison cell doors
with beaded curtains.

It's time to drop the blue
collar act and fall in line,

or none of your bills get to the floor.

- No.
- You remind me of another crazy lefty

who walked through
those doors in 2004.

But Barack did
what we told him,

and was bestowed this nation's
greatest honor ...

a deal with Netflix.

He appeared on "Comedians
Driving Cars To Get Coffees."

You're just scared of
losing your grip on the party.

- We're not scared.
- Oh, yeah?

- No corporate donations.
- Aah!

Stop worrying about
this election so much.

I don't like you
when you're worried.

I like you when you're

a blank-faced son of
a billionaire president.

It's not about the win, Kimfoyle.

It's about redeeming myself
for what I did.

It's Russia Collusion Day!

Good morning, little fella!

How do you say
"Russia Collusion" in bird?

I know that! I'm not stupid!

Don, your wife Vanessa
wants a separation!

That's okay!
Today is Russia Collusion Day.

I'm meeting with one of
Vladimir Putin's lady-lawyers.

She has dirt on Hillary Clinton.

- Wow!
- Thanks for doing what we specifically talked about!

♪ It's Russia Collusion Day! ♪

You realize I'm Maggie Haberman
from the "New York Times"?

Ohh, shit!

So you let the Russia meeting leak
and you came away with nothing?

I wouldn't call learning about
Russian adoption policy nothing.

You're such a loser.

If you hadn't inherited my warm
and inviting sense of humor

and ridiculously hot upper body,
you'd be hopeless.

Hopeless...
Hopeless...

Kimberly, I have to win
my Dad's love ...

I mean, the election.

It's not just Ocasio-Cortez.

Something's happening out there, Nancy.

- You mean in Georgetown?
- No, outside of Washington.

Relax! Let's just make a few
dozen sweaty, pleading donor calls,

and slurp mussels so loud
that car alarms go off.

I'm just starting to think

that the heart of
the American working class

is not screaming at their
nannies on the Upper West Side.

We got a speech
in Brooklyn coming up.

I heard plumbers live there!

Panic has set in at the
White House according to

58 anonymous sources, and
another 67 named sources.

The President holds a rally today

in hopes of reanimating
his base of people

already disinvited from
the next three Thanksgivings.

Let me tell you something
about Kathie Lee...

If our followers are
as motivated as in 2016,

they will pick this goat to the bone.

Give the crane operator the signal!

Now to agitate them.
Women are blocking male judges

just for being incompetent,
violent, alcoholics!

- Well, that's wrong.
- Screw that.

All right, pull it up.

They're motivated!
Viva la Red Wave!

Wrong!
In 2016, they would've been

fighting over that goat's anus.
We're in a different world now.

The Democratic Party is about
knowing what should be done,

then woefully shaking your head
when you read your push alerts.

Let's all join forces with a
big woeful headshake together.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Ugh.

- You're bumming us out, lady.
- How about a cheer?

Status quo!

Status quo! Status quo!

- Status quo! Sta...
- We've lost touch with our voters.

I can't name one person

who's not a U.S. Senator
or Michael Bloomberg.

We will spend every moment
between now and election day

connecting to real Americans,

no matter how much E. coli's
on their hands.

Hey.

- Can't sleep, huh?
- I was just thinking about how,

if you're not president,
we'll never have a space force.

ISIS will turn
the whole sky Muslim.

Don, I need to win the election,
but I've forgotten how.

The last one was...
what, 20 years ago?

It was two years ago,
but the world was a lot different.

Since then, you've made
the country too perfect.

If you want to win, you need
to create a problem

that only you can solve.

♪ You might have great looks
and handwritten books ♪

♪ But there's a strategy
that you've overlooked ♪

♪ If you wanna win the midterms ♪

♪ Make 'em fear ♪

♪ Fear ♪

♪ Ohh, fear, Dad ♪

♪ Fear the Muslims, trans ♪

♪ And Green Peace volunteers ♪

♪ Ohh, fear ♪

♪ Tense white fear ♪

♪ It makes farmers in Wisconsin ♪

♪ Worry about MS-13 ♪

♪ So villainize the Bureau ♪

♪ And make yourself the hero! ♪

♪ The only man
who can save suburbia ♪

♪ From Mujahideen ♪

♪ It might seem like a lofty task ♪

♪ Blaming climate change
on impoverished Blacks ♪

♪ But with the right amount
of racial screaming ♪

♪ You could make California
write in Mussolini ♪

♪ Fear ♪

♪ Oh, fear ♪

♪ Oh, fear ♪

♪ Fear ♪

♪ Oh, you gotta make 'em fear ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

- ♪ MSNBC's Joy Reid ♪
- ♪ Reid ♪

Let's terrify this country
into loving me!

If we want to win this election,

we gotta scare the absolute
bejesus out of everyone.

I've gathered my best guys,
and all of them are guys.

First up, the man
who loves brown shirts

and hates brown people ...
Stephen Miller.

Immigrants are flooding
our borders, increasing the

competition for women attracted
to men who are 33 but look 63.

Not me, I'm fine.

Then there's Jeff Sessions.

He puts the "KKK" in
"Jeff Sessions is in the KKK."

Democrats want to disarm police,

which is fine as long
as their tasers shoot bullets.

Finally, the Baltimore Bomber,
John Bolton.

I once saw him shopping for a fumigation
tent the size of the Middle East.

Boo! We all know Muslims
can breathe under water,

but did you know they can fly?

They're gonna peak
in our bathroom windows

while we're doing our business!

To gauge how these measures
are affecting Americans,

we're monitoring the fear levels
of an average couple

watching Fox News.

Usually, I'm the one
monitoring the brain

and it's of a soon-to-be
former homosexual.

Can we help, Dad?
I just sang that freakin' song.

You two shake the hornet's nest
with the shakiest shaker of all ...

- Hillary Clinton.
- Why's he keep saying "shake"?

Just find her, put her on camera,
and tell her to say "2020."

That's like bath salts for
non-college educated voters.

Remember, Don,
don't do anything reckless.

- Eric, you're in charge.
- Sick!

- Don, I put you in charge!
- Sick!

Okay, first things first.
Eric, you're off the team.

I thought helping win this election

- was finally gonna be my thing.
- You have a thing.

You're the Trump
who doesn't have a thing.

But it doesn't feel special.

Okay, I'll put you back on the team,
but you gotta take some risks,

like when you spent
most of your trust fund

on our "Jackass" audition tape.

Wow, an honest-to-God Democratic
rally in West Virginia.

Now this is the America
we need to steep in

- like a pour-over café au lait.
- Keep the car running.

I'm gonna try to
communicate with them.

Hello.

Me Pelosi. Him Chuck.

Chuck, give them a Tic Tac
or something. Open palm.

Nancy! Chuck! Jesus Christ,
don't let them see you!

Again, we're just here to observe.

Here's what you need to know
about blue collar voters.

They're struggling
and they want someone

who genuinely understands
what they're going through.

Oh, sorry.

I was just thinking about
whether Del Posto

had introduced their fall menu yet.

You know what? You two,
come on stage with me.

Fair warning ...
I may say a few things

- just to triangulate a bit.
- Of course.

Oh, absolutely.
No, do your thing.

I hate these two!
The other day, I had to explain

to these out-of-touch city slickers

that West Virginia was a state,
not a drag queen.

Faster!
The opioids give them super strength!

Keep it above 70 until
you see a Del Posto.

Here we go again.

Trump is scaring the country
into voting Republican.

I can't talk right now.

I just know any second,
the #MeToo Police

are gonna barge through
this door and try to take

away ol' Slick Willie.
Wait, where are you going?

I think you mean,
"Where are you going,

- Madame President?"
- Uh-oh.

If you're gonna go, you better
chain me to a radiator.

I will do something bad.

If there are any clues to
Hillary Clinton's whereabouts,

they're here.

Forget this. Let's just go ask for
a six-figure Trump Wine internship.

Eric!
You said you wanted a thing,

but you're never gonna
find it if you're afraid

to leave the dock and venture
into uncharted waters.

Maybe I like it on the dock.
It smells like kelp!

Eric! Leave the dock!

All right... jerk-wad.

I'm not a jerk-wad.
You're a jerk-wad.

It was a door!

I stopped being afraid
of those years ago!

Well, butt-chug me sideways.

Wow, Chuck, we're in
a real Ohio bar!

Do you think the jukebox
takes personal checks?

We should probably order wine,
or, as these people call it, beer.

Two glasses of your finest
white beer, please.

- No.
- Excuse me, average American.

What issue is most important to you ...
building a high-speed rail

between Washington and Westchester?

Faster!

What was that shit about
the history of Jews in Toronto?!

Me? You changed the jukebox from
Travis Tritt to "All Things Considered"!

Say, Chuck, have you ever
heard of pandering?

Heard of it? Yes.

Sir, a status update ...

the fear squad has demonized
every race that doesn't use

most of its phone battery on
the Golf Channel mobile app.

Anti-immigration sentiment is so
high, Melania has been deported.

Wow. She must be terrified.

I'll kill myself before I go back.

But unfortunately, the generic
congressional ballot

has Republicans stalled at 48%.

The Pences are too scared to sleep,

but not scared enough to wear
three pairs of underpants

to avoid being raptured naked.

Ah... Ah.

Oh, God.

President Donald J. Trump
has been impeached

after Robert Mueller released
his devastating report,

before marrying Melania
in the highest-rated and

most full frontal nudity-filled
wedding of all time.

Putin, I'm on my way!

Oh, sorry, we're having Russia
renovated this weekend. Bye!

There's a Dad on the wing
of this plane!

I'm a tax-dodging racist,

and yet you still managed
to ruin my reputation!

Loser!

Aah!

Sir, why are you down here?

Did you think you saw one
of your children again?

I'm just scared. What if the
election doesn't go our way?

You know, when I was younger,
my father used this sewing machine

to hem together white sheets,
and it was so loud and scary,

I'd go hide under
the kitchen table.

Would you stay under there all night?

Well actually, my mother would
lure me out with a cake.

Food really soothes you
when you don't get

exactly what you want, doesn't it?

- Yes.
- Dad, I'm gonna need you to come outside.

- No.
- But Eric is hurt!

Oh, man, I gotta see this!

There's nothing out here, Don!
It's just grass, trees, and...

Oh, my God.

Old Lady Clinton built it

to literally break the glass
ceiling of the Javits Center

during her victory speech,
but she never won.

- How'd you do this?
- We stole it.

Time for some good,
old-fashioned campaigning.

A massive Hillary Clinton robot

of unknown origin
continues to grip the country

with millions across the Eastern
seaboard fleeing their homes.

Support for Republicans
is surging past 50%

as undecided voters increasingly
say their key issue

is not being crushed to death.

I don't know who's behind
this Hillary robot attack,

but if you vote Republican,

we will lock her up
in women's robot prison!

Whoa, I like that!

- Lower the crane!
- Americans are friggin' terrified!

There are race riots, sir.
Race riots!

My dad would be so proud.

I can't see!
Is the anus still there?

Don't worry, Dad.
I ate the anus.

Hello, Iowa Democrats

and people seeking refuge
from Hillary Robot Clinton.

Soon, we will welcome Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez to the stage.

But first...

Sometimes when
I'm in Washington

surrounded by Beltway elites,
I think, "I'd rather be driving my F-150,

eating corn off
those hard corn cylinders."

And pickin' on the ol' bigger violin.

♪ Driver ♪

♪ Take me to the farm ♪

♪ Take me to the farm,
take me to the farm ♪

♪ Don't wanna ♪

♪ Go to Del Posto no more ♪

- ♪ I wanna drink a warm beer ♪
- ♪ Sleep on a bus ♪

- ♪ Get bit by a dog ♪
- ♪ And piss in a cup ♪

♪ So, driver,
turn this motorcade around ♪

Wall Street fat cats
have had it too good.

Chuck, what do you say
we tax them?

And you know what we should
put that money toward?

Universal health care.

I like the sound of that.

Yas, War on Christmas.
Let's do this, honey.

- ♪ I wanna steal from my job ♪
- ♪ Fistfight my dad ♪

- ♪ Experience sweat ♪
- ♪ Throw up in the mall ♪

♪ So, driver,
turn this motorcade ♪

♪ Around ♪

Who knew, Chuck?
All we had to do was something.

Yeesh.
They think this is going

to get Democrats to
Pokémon Go to the polls?

I'm proud of you, Eric.

You sacked up, and now Republicans
are gonna win the midterms.

Thanks, but I still haven't
really found my thing.

Not everything is about you!

Hey, Kimberly, want to go over
to the Department of State

for some romantic bone-dogging?

What the hell is wrong
with this thing?!

I'm all for kicking it to max,

but someone might see us, Don.

Don't forget what's at stake...

Serious blue balls.

Now shut up and keep watch
while we're inside.

Don, is that you?
You sound just like a bush.

- That was a real hootenanny, Chuck!
- Let's celebrate.

Driver, take us to Iowa's finest
Brazilian-Chinese fusion restaurant.

Driver? You listening?

I want to say... Randy?

Chuck, I think we're being kidnapped.

Where the hell is Hillary-Bot, Eric?

And why do you have a medal?

I was keeping watch, then
this lady named Hillary

Rodham Clin-something
came up to me and said,

"Hey, I'm the judge for the
National Whistling Association.

- Do you wish to compete?"
- All right, okay. I get that.

When I got to the championships,
no one was there,

- so she said I was the winner.
- Okay. Congratulations.

That's awesome,
but now we're screwed!

You said you wanted me
to leave the dock!

You don't leave the dock when your bro

is doinking in the lighthouse, Eric!

Can we at least hear your
world championship whistling?

Eric!
That's really friggin' good!

Chuck, Nancy, thanks for coming.

Michael Bloomberg,
CEO of Bloomberg L.P.!

What a delight to see you.

- Do you like our folksy hats?
- They're very cute.

So the heads of the most
powerful banks and I talked

over your new policy proposal,
and, while very creative,

we decided after one second
that we didn't like it.

Consider it gone.

Sweet swag bag.

- I got a toothbrush.
- I got soap!

Nancy, do you think the millions
of energized Democrats will be

a tad thrown that we sold
them out to Wall Street

pretty much instantaneously?

Politics isn't about
making people's lives better.

It's about the friends
we meet along the way

to making their lives
the same or often worse.

How am I supposed to stop Hillary-Bot

if there's no Hillary-Bot to stop?

I think we're losing sight
of the big picture here.

I'm the National
Whistling Champion!

Eric, we already threw you a party.

- What else do you want?
- Don't worry, Dad.

Stephen Miller's filling
the void left by Hillary-Bot.

The brown people are coming!
The brown people are coming!

You can't even hear him
from the ground.

I think he's just doing it for him.
Don, find Hillary-Bot.

My presidency and approval
of you depends on it.

We're about to tell you
something, but before we do,

we want you to remember
how great we all felt

while Nancy and I were
singing that song.

And, heck, if you think
only about the song

and don't listen to what we
tell you next, that's fine, too!

Okay, so you guys all know
Michael Bloomberg.

Go! Drive!

- Don't stop!
- Chuck, where's my nose?!

Oh! There it is, thank God.

Hillary-Bot! Hillary-Bot!

It's no use, Eric.
We need Russia's help.

- What is it with you and Russia?
- They like me for me, Eric.

I doubt they even know I'm
related to Donald Trump Senior.

I'll just setup a harmless
meeting at Trump Tower.

All right, but I'm coming with you.

Ugh, fine, but word of warning ...
you're gonna learn

- so much about Russian adoption.
- Sick!

Now remember, Bill,

you're just here to vouch
for our blue collar bona fides

and unify the party
ahead of election day.

Stay on message,
and if Rachel asks,

- insist the radiator is a watch.
- Hey, come on.

If one thing is not a ticking
time bomb, it's Bill Clinton.

- Chuck, did we think this thro...
- A stack of printer paper.

Blank, sure.

But what if someone printed
Trump's tax returns onto them?

More on that later, but first,
here to comment on the Democrats'

demoralizing past few days are
Leaders Pelosi and Schumer,

- along with President Bill Clinton.
- Great to be here ...

- I wanna talk about this Me Too movement.
- Bill!

Breaking news ...

The President's lawyer,
a coked-up talking groundhog,

just accidentally revealed another
Donald Trump Jr./Russia meeting.

Back in June, when Don Jr.
met with the Russians,

he was doing what
any campaign would do.

Same goes for the meeting
this morning ... Whoops!

Brain must've run over a nail.
You can hear the air escaping.

I keep telling myself
not to say that, and I say it!

But it's true.
It's why Trump met with...

So you met
with the Russians again,

and again you came away
with nothing!

Okay, can I just say I am now an
expert on Russian adoption policy?

Don, that was the biggest loser
move of your life, and I'm including

the time you let Eric give the
best man speech at your wedding.

I didn't know he was gonna rap!

What now?

Hillary Bot worked too well and the
country has descended into chaos.

We're talking riots,
economic collapse,

- a near breakdown of society.
- Boo-yah!

The stock market's going nuts.
I'll be fine, so I don't give a shit.

- Betty?
- Kids are seeking safety within their schools.

I mean, the whole world
is upside down!

- Hey, Ben, any update on housing?
- I counted all the houses,

wrote the number down
on a piece of paper,

and now I'm just trying to remember

where I left that piece of paper.
Was there more to the job?

It's so bad that only
the most mentally unwell

are reveling in the mayhem.

Ted Cruz!

Socialist Beto O'Rourke
wants looters

to distribute stolen goods equally,

but I believe that if
you looted it, you earned it!

I shudder to even tell you
what happened to the Pences.

That cloud looks like Aladdin!

Pace yourself, Karen!
We only have five million bullets!

Wow! Can you believe it, Nancy?

We're sitting with the star
of Netflix, Barack Obama.

And not out of desperation.
If anything, we're doing him a favor.

Don't you two have
an election on Tuesday?

I want to talk about
Barack Obama's new hit show,

"Congresspeople in Towncars
Going to Del Posto."

- Interesting.
- I told you he'd hate it. Next idea ...

by day, he's the senior
Senator from New York,

but by night, he's a debonair,

super spy playboy with
donors all across the globe.

Here's the rub ... this old,
out of touch windbag

- named Nancy is holding him back.
- Ohh. You wanna hear my pitch?

It's called "Chuck Sucks
Starring Chuck Schumer"!

It's about a cyst on my ass.

- Screw you!
- Push up your glasses,

- goddamn it!
- Aw, screw it. I've earned this.

Don't worry, Don.

Dad never had the approval of his
father and he turned out all right.

You know what's the worst part
of all this? It's your fault.

Someone's a little jealous
that I finally found my thing.

- I'm the Liam Hemsworth of whistling.
- So what if I am!

It was hard enough
to live in Dad's shadow,

and it's even harder to live in yours.

Maybe we should see other brothers.

Fine! Just don't ask for
tickets when your new bro

wants to attend my sold out
whistling concert!

Let him go, Eric.
We're better off without him.

Goodbye, family.

Shit! Fuck!

We discussed it internally,

and if you do decide to retire,

we would offer you a position
as managing director.

Wow, you won't regret this.

Running the Democratic Party
is just like being

a managing director for Bloomberg L.P.
Why get short-term results

when you can have
long-term good intentions?

Anyways, I need
239 days off per year.

I already have this toothbrush.
Damn it!

Ugh!
I should've packed a snack

instead of this busty werewolf
figurine I rush-ordered online.

- Donald Trump the Junior?
- What are you doing in here?!

I've been sleeping here ever
since my landlord Googled me.

Shit, shit, shit!

How do you do it, Stevie?

How do you keep it together
when you have so many haters?

Despite my calm,
composed exterior,

I don't have it together.

Believe or not, I was
made fun of in high school.

Yeah, obviously.

And that's when I developed
this scaly exterior

and toxic personality.
It made me feel strong.

I just wish I was as cool
as you or Ben Shapiro

and didn't have to put up a front.

Hey, I want you to have this.

Wow! Until I make
the real thing in a lab,

this will do just fine.

- Donald.
- Melania? I thought you were deported.

I was, but then Slovenia found
out that I was your wife

- and deported me right back.
- You came just in time.

With the help of Space Force,

I'm going to live on the Moon
or Mars, whichever is closer.

If you're scared of losing Congress,
you'll be extremely scared of space.

Why do you think I'm
so scared of everything?

Do you remember how your
father used to always scare you

by getting a body double of your mother

and pushing it out of a helicopter?

He did that because he knew
he wasn't loving enough

to keep you close,
but he was terrifying enough.

Don't be like your father.

Stop manipulating people with fear

and start manipulating them with love.

That was all you were
going to bring to space?

It's space, Melania.
They'll have shaving cream.

You tried to get a job, too?

Yeah, they were expecting
a delivery from that service

where models bring you cocaine,

so when I walked in,
they got real mad.

I'm sorry I ruined the Netflix meeting.

I want a television show,
but not like that.

Chuck, you know what
some guy in Iowa

with hand sanitizer
on his breath told me?

He screamed that we need
to stop speeding away

and start fighting back.

Nancy, it may be electoral suicide,

but let's do what
our constituents want.

How was the hot air balloon?

Let's just treat it like
the time I almost died

at On the Grind DJ Academy
and never speak of it.

How do I get everyone to
realize that they love me

without terrifying them?

Dad, you forget, we're friggin' swag.

It's like Stephen Miller said.
We're cool as shit.

You gave Saudi Arabia a pass
to murder like whoever.

I feed Adderall to
the Central Park swans.

Eric is a friggin'
world championship whistler!

We just need to find a way

to lure America out
from under its kitchen table.

Don, get me whatever ingredients
go inside a 500-ton cake.

Yeah... What?

♪ It's time for Democrats
to put up a fight ♪

♪ But you know that they'll be
pushed back from the right ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the midterms ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, it's the midterms ♪

♪ Did you ever think you'd care
about midterms this much? ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪

♪ Who could've known? ♪

♪ But now you gotta look up
your polling place ♪

♪ And drive 40 minutes
to some library ♪

♪ 'Cause if you don't, they
might overturn Roe vs. Wade ♪

♪ Yeah, they've been talking
about overturning Roe vs. Wade! ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- This is pretty cool.
- Thanks. How's your thing going?

Whistling?
It's going really well.

I have worlds tomorrow.

Tomorrow's the big rally,
but I understand.

- Good luck.
- Don, wait.

- Never mind.
- Fuck you for making me stop, Eric!

- Wake up, Donny!
- Aah! Aah!

You really think you can get
these people to love you?

The only way I got nannies
to take care of you

was by threatening
to steal their organs!

Your closing argument
should be, "I have nukes.

Vote for me,
or 10,000 years of darkness!"

Mr. President, it's Election Day Eve.

Volunteers across the country
are changing street signs

so no one can find
their polling place.

I need the nuclear football.
If anyone asks why,

just say I wanted to show you
a cool party trick.

Do you think anyone will show up
to protest this monster?

I don't know, Chuck,
but whatever's outside that door,

I want you to know that as long
as it's politically expedient,

I'll be there for you.

We did it, Chuck!

But why is everyone
so ridiculously excited?

I told them they could see
a rich, white guy get arrested.

I tell ya, I got something
inside me that I can't get out.

Now let's bring the same energy
to this protest

that we brought to our vote
to overwhelmingly expand

the president's surveillance powers!

Please welcome my dad,
Donald J. Trump!

Wow, look at this crowd!

What's this, 90 billion people?

The last couple of weeks, me and
the Republicans have campaigned

on stopping MS-13,
keeping Muslims out of America,

and doing that thing that we've
always done to Black people.

And though each of those threats
is even more terrifying

than I described,
there's something more powerful

and manipulative than fear ...
love.

And to show you my love,
I and I alone baked you

the biggest cake on Earth!

Hey, Mr. President!

We're here to fight you
with everything we've got!

Who's with us?

You're losing 'em, Donny!
Show 'em the nuke!

Scare 'em into submission!

Get me the nuclear football.

Dad! Lure them out from
under the kitchen table!

Don't listen to him! Nuke!

- Cake!
- Nuke!

Cake!

Dad, I can't eat nuke.

Everyone, shut up!

You mean to tell me that
you people don't love cake?!

- I like cake!
- Hey, I like cake, too!

That's what I thought.
Raise the thing!

Are you fuckin' serious?
Are you fuckin' serious?

Okay, I got a little hungry
backstage.

As long as everyone isn't
selfish, we can all share.

- Fuck that!
- Welp, nuke it is.

If you don't vote Republican,
I will set this off.

That is a direct and real threat.

And it's way more powerful
than love!

Got 'em!

At long last, Bill's getting
the help he needs.

Thanks for bailing me
out again, Hillary!

Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!
I tell ya.

So vote Republican
and you won't die.

Oh, and grab a handful
of frosting on the way out.

I feel great!

Old Lady Clinton!

Now I finally have your attention.

Dangerous Donald's flip-flopping
on the Trans-Pacific Partnership

proves that he is truly
full of baloney!

And let's not forget his,
what I like to call,

Trumped-up trickle down economics.

I've got hot sauce in my bag.

- How did she lose?
- Lower the glass dome!

Oh, that is so much better.

Nevertheless, she persisted.

Hillary broke the glass ceiling.
Run for your lives!

Time to Pokémon Go eat
Donald Trump.

I'll save you, Mr. President!

One, two, and...
Wind took it the wrong direction.

See you back at the house!

Hey, Hillary-Bot!

Eric?
I thought you were at World!

I couldn't ditch my family.

You escape while I distract Hillary-Bot
with my intoxicating whistle.

Hillary-Bot! Over here!

As my dear friend Eric Holder
says, when they go low...

What's a matter, Donny?
Scared again?!

This is for those kids in the
basement of that pizza place!

Why didn't it work?

That's not the nuke.
It's a button.

You just threw a button at her.

Don, if I'm about to die,
I just want to say,

I love cake.

Pokémon no, no, no!

I did it. I defeated
Hillary-Bot all by myself!

Actually, Dad, let's just say
there's a new Russia Collusion Day

- on the calendar.
- Okay, that's the last time

I hack Hillary for
that marshmallow man.

- Eh, no it's not.
- Are you mad?

Don, I'm only mad when
collusion doesn't work.

Um, you know before,
when I said, "I love cake..."

- Yeah?
- I meant it.

First snowfall...
Happy Russia Collusion Day, Don.

Happy Russia Collusion Day, Don ...

I mean, "Dan" ...
I mean, "Mom" ... Fuck!

Look, anyone could've
hacked Hillary-Bot.

Could've been the Chinese,
some fat guy in his basement.

Definitely not Russia, though.

Well, Chuck, this might be
our last time in here

as leaders of the party.

It's been fun working
with you, Nancy.

Hey.

I saw what you did
at the Trump rally.

Pretty cool to see you
put up a fight like that.

Does this mean I have
your vote for Speaker?

- Nope. Ya canceled.
- Thanks anyway!

Sorry about the deportation
mix-up, Melania.

Yeah. What a nightmare.

Hey, Donny, I'm gonna go
finish that cake.

You should come so I have
someone to wipe

the frosting off me with
a soaking wet beach towel.

Sick! Eric, that was
pretty cool of you

to give up your one shot at self-worth

to help a family that
offers nothing in return.

- That means a lot, Don.
- Dad, have you ever thought

about opening a restaurant
that just serves goat anus?

- It's pretty good.
- I could be the whistling chef!

You're not in this conversation!

- Sorry.
- Hey, Donny!

Looks like the Ruskies
bailed you out again, loser!

- Thanks, Dad.
- I didn't say anything nice.

- Well, my ride's here.
- You live in Hell?

It's Heaven to me.

Daddy, the election returns
are coming in!

Guys, I just want to say that
no matter what happens tonight,

I'm still gonna be President tomorrow.

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected
him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

We now join an evening
with Bill and Hillary Clinton,

already in progress.

If Bill could speak, he would say is,

- "The American spirit is still alive and well."
- No, I wouldn't!

I'd say I'm guilty and tired of running.

- Put me away!
- Bill!

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

And in entertainment news,

President Obama just announced
his first Netflix show.

It's called "Congresspeople in
Towncars (Going to Del Posto)."

- That son of a bitch!
- Oh, come on!

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is
the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Welcome back to the World
Whistling Championships.

Our next contestant missed
the competition last year

due to a family emergency.

Coming to the stage
for the first time, Eric Trump.

Ah!

- Dude, this guy sucks.
- Trump!