Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Tattoo You - full transcript

Boo dabbles in blackmail, Nicky promises to help Lorna, Doggett makes a discovery, and Piper comes to a realization about Alex.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Disturbing images out
of Litchfield Penitentiary today.

A video has surfaced of a
male corrections officer,

who can be seen brutally
assaulting a female inmate.

Families and supporters are claiming
that this is a clear example

of the abuses the inmates
have been subjected to

since Litchfield became
a private prison...

abuses which have fueled
this three-day standoff...

You know how much splash back
I'm getting from this shit?

My ass is soaked, Nita. How much longer?

We're at an impasse with
the last few demands.

They're insisting that
fair wage is $10 a day.

You really think I give a
shit about MCC's bottom line?

Look, if we concede,

we will have to do the same
for all New York prisons,

including the ones we run.

And then Whole Foods and Whispers
and every other corporation

will outsource their labor
programs to Jersey.

We can't afford to lose
that kind of business.

What we can't afford is to let this shit
drag out like it's my fucking divorce.

I've got everyone and my mother
calling for this to end.

Literally, my mother called.

So, to be clear,

you are saying that the hostages
are no longer important to you?

No one is saying that. Just...

Give the inmates what they want.

Let's wrap this up before it goes
to a place we can't recover from.

What's happening out there?

Apparently, a video of CO
misconduct was leaked to the media.

What do you mean? What misconduct?

I believe it concerns your pet gorilla.

Whatever it is,

it's bad enough that the governor has
agreed to expand the state budget

to accommodate the remaining demands.


we win the riot?

Whatever's under state
jurisdiction to grant, it's yours.

Holy shit! This worked!

Uh-uh. Wait a minute. What ain't
in the state's jurisdiction?

The prosecution of CO Bayley
is a separate legal issue.

Like hell it is!

The BOP cannot decide
whether to press charges

- until IA concludes its investigation.
- What's there to investigate?

Three hundred women saw
him crushing Poussey

till her lungs couldn't fill no more.

Then, surely, IA will come
to the same conclusion.

You got to trust the
system to do its job.

You mean the same system
who don't give a shit

when some pasty-ass cop shoots a
black man for spray painting a wall?

Or selling loose cigarettes?

Or reaching into his pocket
for his own damn keys?

You mean that system? Oh,
yeah, they real trustworthy!

Give us a minute, please.
Give us a minute.

He can't go free. You understand?

This whole thing started
because of Poussey!

She the reason we doing this!

And this place will never be what it
was because of what you did for her.

In her name!

If you say no to this now,
it will all be for nothing.

Not to mention, you are gonna
piss off a lot of people.

The women in here...
and the guys out here.

And their weaponry is a hell
of a lot more punishing

than anything a CO wears on his belt.

What you see out there...

is a shit ton of people who
are also angry at you.

We got the public on our side
and hostages! What you got?

A remarkable... unprecedented
offer on the table.

Well, you tell the
governor it ain't good enough.

- Me?
- Yes. You know what happened in here.

You got to tell him. He'll believe you.

It's not a matter of him
believing me or not.


Mr. Caputo is gonna tell the governor no
hostages until all our demands are met,

especially CO Bayley in jailey.

In jail. Shit!

- Open the doors!
- Taystee, I'm not...

Miss Jefferson...

anything less than a "yes"
right now is the end.

Are you sure you want to blow this?

Yeah. Like, sure-sure?

People who murder people ain't
supposed to just be walking around.

Maybe even walking theyselves
right down to Juarez.

The two of you can come back

when you're ready to give
us justice for Poussey!

Get the fuck out!

- Taystee...
- Get the fuck out.

I'm sorry,
um, I need to tell you...

I'm having a panic attack.

Okay. Uh...

Can I... can I do something?

Actually, can you hold her for a sec?

- Oh...
- Okay.


It's okay.

Everything's gonna be all right.

I know, right? I
know everything's gonna be all right.

Okay, can you... can you die from these?

Like, do you think anyone's ever
panicked themselves to death?

My mom told me to think of the beach,
but... some thoughts are too dark.

Okay, that doesn't help.

Also, you're, like, what... 12?

What do you know about dark thoughts?

I killed someone.

She's dead.

Yeah, I'm feeling better now.

Yeah, I'll take her back.
Thank you, please.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Guys, we're up to 600,000
views on YouTube.

- But what are they saying?
- Uh, uh, uh...

The comments are mostly skewing positive.

"Squash the system." "Give
the ladies what they want."

That sort of thing.

I guess you can't deny cruelty when
it shows up on your Facebook feed.

We must beware of the goblins.

- The goblins?
- She means trolls.

- Right, of course.
- Yes. He's a big goblin-troll.

And the others like him in the webiverse

could still find a way to
defend him and vilify us.

And we can't let that happen.
We must stay on top.

Red, I think it is time for you to sit
down and just chill the fuck out!

Can we all chill the fuck out?

- Refresh the feed, Gina.
- Oh, for fuck's sake...

Will you just promise me
that you will take it easy?

Easy does it.

I gotta get some air. Huh?

WebMD said to elevate
it above your heart.

It also said to seek
professional medical care.

Dr. Chapman is here.

And I am gonna scrounge together

the finest cocktail that
Litchfield has to offer.

I already got some Tylenol from
Arsenic and Old Lace over there.

It probably expired in '98.

Expiration dates are a marketing
scheme. Totally bogus.

All right. I'm gonna go to the pharmacy.

I'll see if I can get
you something harder.

Wait, you're actually considering
going back out there?

- For you.
- For me?

Please, don't do your thing right now.

Are you talking about my
trying-to-help-you thing?

Or are you talking about my
speaking-in-general thing?

Why can't you just say you
want to see what's going on?

Fine. I do.

I wanna go see if all this is ending
so that I can get you some real help.

And I also wanna see if all this stuff
we've done has been for nothing.

You wanna know if me getting
my ulna snapped by Godzilla

helped your little cause?

Alex... I know that you're hurting.

What he did...

I wanted to die... just sitting
there, not being able to help you.

Which is why I think it's very
important for me to go find out...

- You know what? Go. Just go.
- No.

- If you want me to stay, I'll stay.
- What is it?

- I'm serious...
- I'm...

Go. I actually... I actually don't
even want to look at you right now.


It represents magic. And beauty.

And appreciating beauty.

So why did you decide to get it
in a spot where you can't see it?

Oh, it's not for me.
It's for other people.

Other people who fail to see the beauty

even when they are in the most
beautiful place on earth,

looking at a magic fish up close,

just because they got a little
seasick on the way back to shore.

And believe me, I get that it's
no fun to barf on sea life,

but you drink some water, you
take a nap and you move on.

You don't sit inside
for two days and mope

when the beach and...

life and...

sun is all happening outside. You know?

Sounds like trouble in paradise.

Well, it's trouble in paradise.
It's trouble in New York.

And it's trouble in Europe.

- Maybe you're incompatible.
- Oh, we're completely incompatible.

We don't work at all. The
entire thing is stupid.

But yet you're here getting
a fish tattoo on your neck

- to remind her of beauty.
- Mmm-hmm.

Because I love her.

She can't reject the deal. Did you
explain our legal limitations?

This is not about logic.

Give me that.

- You got some crackers or something?
- I'll see what I can find.

You're going to need to tell
me where the hostages are,

so we can avoid them in the cross fire.

No! You can't go in there.

You tell Jack some of us
also value inmate lives.

Well, actually, MCC is out of
the picture for the time being.

Oh, for the time being?

You're really going to let them
keep their license after all this?

I wouldn't be so quick
to assign blame yet, Warden.

Listen to me. You don't have to do this.

One inmate does not speak
for the entire prison.

There are... there are other
leaders that I can talk to. I...

We gave them everything they
wanted and it still wasn't enough.

It's like when you offer
a homeless man a bagel

and then he asks you for a
veggie schmear and jam.

Just because a homeless man is
into weird food combinations

doesn't mean he's not hungry.

That man didn't want food any more
than those women want reform.

They want to remain victims.

If you actually give them what
they want, they lose their power.

Are those... the hostages?

Jefferson let them out?

She must've changed her mind.

Bring them in here.

I don't want anybody seeing
them until we've had time

- to prepare a statement.
- Yes, ma'am.

- I guess we make an okay team.
- Don't even think about hugging me.

Come here.

It's like you stepped in dog shit
with your whole body.

You love it.

You would've done the same
thing as me, and you know it.

He's coming out of surgery. Please...

Oh, shut it. You're
giving me a headache.

We arresting OGs now? Dang!

Backstabbing bitch
released all our guards.

This piece of
shit's all we got left.

You could have said that
last part in... in Spanish.

- Help me frisk 'em.
- Don't got to tell me twice.

No, come on. Please, don't.

No, no, no. You can't
take that. Please, no.

I need to know about my boy.

Please, if you have any humanity
in you, please don't do this.

We could've gotten our GEDs in here,
instead of wasting our time.

We could've gotten it so that our kids

could hug us for more than 30
seconds when they come see us.

But you just screwed
all of us out of that.

So don't talk to me about humanity.

an eye on them tricky fuckers.

And no torturing till we get back.

Wait. Where we going?

We... we got to tell La
Jefferson what happened.

I think I need to make a pit stop first.

Starting to think maybe we shouldn't
have snorted all that coffee.

Coffee has been proven
to give you the shits.

Something about bowel spasms.

Bet you feel better after
you push some brown out.


Fuck! Wrong end!

Come on... let's
get you to a bathroom, mama.

- Come on.
- Okay.

So... this whole time,
I've been your muscle...

while you've been trying to figure
out a way to free your boyfriend?

No. Fuck Joe. He cheated on me.

And I'm, like, way above his pay grade.

I mean, I... I thought that he was
headed up MCC's corporate ladder,

but clearly, the man simply
does not have what it takes.

And if I'm going to be
perfectly honest...

there is such a thing
as too big, you know?

I'm kind of tight down there, so...

- Your poor, counterfeit cunt.
- I'm sorry, Boo. I am.

But I was too afraid to tell you.

You know that there were parts
of Von Barlow that were real,

that were me.

You know, I... I don't have a
problem with the cunt you created.

My problem is with the cunt you are.

The MCC cunt.

The one who every day, in every way, makes
this shithole a whole lot shittier.

I didn't know.

But now that I'm in here, I
realize how fucked up it is

to treat people like...

like variables affecting
our net income gains.

But I see you now.

And you deserve more than the
bare minimum needed to survive.

Yeah. We deserve more.

In fact...

I think that I, personally,
deserve about $5000 more.

You know...

to keep your little secret?

That's extortion.

I'm sorry.

Do you think I was in here
because I made an honest living?


Glad that's settled.


Oh... You're
gonna PayPal me, pronto.

Well, it looks like I am down to 3%,
and I did not bring my charger. So...

So... let's go looking.


- Hey, nurse? You still open?
- Do you really wanna keep playing that?

- What happened to you?
- Uh...

I got mauled by a bear.

- You take some of Red's vitamins?
- Oh, I wish.

Any drugs of any kind
would have really helped

with the tsunami of fucked-up
that was last night.

But, sadly... still sober.

You gonna tell me what happened,
or you... you gonna keep stalling

with all your words?

Uh, for now, I don't
want to talk about it.

You know, I don't wanna think about it.

All I want to do is just sit
here, you know, with you.

Maybe see about a cigarette. They
keep any fucking cigarettes here?

- No. Hey, hey, hey.
- What?

You're not mad at me anymore?

Look, it turns out that mad is a
luxury I cannot afford at this time.

There is a reason why
those Spanish ladies,

they call me loco in the coco.

I'm trying so hard not to be like that.

But it's like, uh, what Dr.
Oz says about insanity.

When you do the same thing
over, over, over, over again,

expecting different results.

Well, I think it was actually
Einstein, but proceed.

See, they look positive to me.

I mean, I know some of the lines
is blurrier than the others,

but I think I'm so fucking
crazy, I'm seeing shit now.


you're actually pregnant.

I mean, you're also crazy, but, uh,

unless you put these in
someone else's piss...

- No, I did not.
- Well...

okay, you're with child here.

No. No, that's not...

that's not... possible,
because you said...

I didn't believe you. All
right, maybe I was scared,

you know, imagining a hairy little
bambino popping out of your vajayjay.

It's not exactly the stuff
of masturbatory fantasies.

But, uh...

Hey, I'm happy for you.

This is what you always wanted, right?


Vinnie doesn't want to have
anything to do with this.

He won't even answer my calls.

Fuck Vinnie.

All right? We'll make it
work. I will help you.

What about this baby? Huh?

For a whole year, I'm not gonna be there
to watch his little belly at night,

make sure he's still breathing.

Remember to wash the
little folds in his neck.

Take those cute photos of him
with a big bowl of spaghetti,

with a meatball on top of
his head and... and...

Now his father's not gonna be
there to do those things, either.

Oh, my God!

Nicky, what kind of a
life is that for a baby?

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- Stop. Breathe.

It'll be fine, okay?

Look, babies don't know shit.

They're babies.

Come here.

We will let your families know
you've been safely released.

- Mine, too?
- That's right.

Um... she's an inmate, actually. So...

What did Jefferson say when she
sent you? I want her exact words.

Jefferson? Oh, no, no,
no. This was all me.

I risked my ass like Moses,
leading these people to freedom.

Yeah. She cut a hole in the fence.

Are you saying the hostages weren't
released as a result of negotiations?

Negotiations? No, no, no, no,
no. I did it for the deal.

What deal? From whom?

With the guys. They, um...

- The ones that run the prison.
- You know? The MCC.

They... they said that I would get
time off my sentence if I freed them.

I am so sorry if anyone from MCC

led you to believe that they have
a say in inmate sentencing...

No, no, no. Uh-uh. No. Fuck that.

No. You see...

I ruined a lot of things for a
lot of good people in there,

and I didn't do this shit for nothing.

Uh, oh, okay.

Don't get me wrong. We are extremely
grateful for what you've done.

I just want to go home.

You know, I ain't never put
my baby girl to sleep before?

Not even once.

I risked everything to
get these people out.

Your people.

I will see what I can do for you.

Thank you.

This is a nice, snug fit.

Perfect for my CPAP.

I wonder how long it'll take
'em to wrap this all up.

Hadn't really planned on so many...


I've been called much worse
and stayed much longer.

Oh, Frieda. Look at us!

He was so sure he had the win.


Don't "us" me.

I helped you out, but the
game I play is defense.

- What happens to him outside...
- Outside?


I can't let them take him
out without a victory lap.

Them taking him out is
your victory lap, Red.

He'll be prosecuted.

- When is it enough for you?
- Almost.

It's almost enough.

Gina, give me the phone.

Didn't you promise Nichols you'd
stay on the straight and narrow?

Without disappointment,
she and I have nothing.


One less Pabst.

Mark it, Norma.

You could ask for help.

Why? Do you have some magical
yoga poses that will help me?

Those tend to work better
when your bones are intact.


Why'd you tell Chapman to go?

Because she didn't want to stay.

Piper always needs to have a
cause. Or some other escape hatch.

Seemed to me like she wanted to help you.

At least from where I was standing,
which wasn't very close.

But, you know, it's pretty tight,
so it wasn't so far, either.

Look, she leaves. It's
what she does. Trust me.

These past few days, we
could've hung out together,

playing house...

taking advantage of the only
moments of relative freedom

that we're gonna have for years.

But, instead, she had to
go do something else.

All I'm saying...

is you can't tell people to go
and then blame them for leaving.

"Love is pain."

Excuse me?

Uh, your arm. Your...

- how you say, uh... inking?
- Oh.

This? I got this as a joke.

My girlfriend got a fish that was
supposed to remind me of beauty...

and, in response, I did this.
Like, "I'll show you."

Love is not beauty.

- It's pain.
- Mmm...


Well, she's my ex-girlfriend.

Oh, I'm all gay, all the time,
so I'll never fuck you, Frenchy.

Still want to ask about my inking?

Sure. Why not?

I like stories. Helps me
forget my own love pain.

Mmm. Mademoiselle!

Same again?

- Yes. And whatever she's having.
- You got it.

I bet... my
love pain beats your love pain.

- Pain is not a contest.
- Mmm.

She broke my heart.

Mon cœur.

And that happens. I get it.
I mean, you know, like...


You know, like, people that love
each other hurt each other.

But... today, I really went nuclear.

I think I broke her life.

What did you do?

Thank you.

I'm sorry. That's... that's about
as specific as it's gonna get.

Uh, I think you actually
want to tell someone.

Here, I will go first. Okay.

My wife, she made sex
with our local butcher.

So I made sex with a stewardess.

And then she made sex with
a landscape architect,

and I made sex with a history teacher,

and a jazz singer, and a
secretary and a waitress.

No... two waitresses.

- And now, I am alone...
- Mmm.

And she is marrying the
landscape architect.


And I am sharing my story of pain

with a lesbian in a bar in New York.

See? Easy.

Now you.

I said her name.

And they said, "Would you spell that?"

And then they asked...

"This person, was she
aware of her crimes?"

And then they said her name back to me.

And then I said her name back to them.

I spent the afternoon sending the
love of my life to prison...

to save myself.

Because, after six years...

I'm still mad at her.

And hurt by her.

And I still love her. And...

love is pain.



I win.

Another drink?


You're awake.


Even warm beer tastes good after a win.

Look, we just broke a million views!

A million people have seen what a
pathetic, abusive little man you are.

Your hand could fit twice
around that girl's arm.

Yet you still needed to
break it to hold her back.

You really think anyone's gonna
give a shit about that in a day?

Some 12-year-old's gonna
add a fart noise to it,

share it with his
fart-noise-loving buddies,

then a new fart noise
video's gonna come out,

and you will all be forgotten.


This is pretty compelling stuff.

Sticky. I think it's gonna stick.

I think that you are
the scum of the earth.

You're as much a criminal as we are.

You just haven't been caught yet.

But it's coming.

Because we won. We
fought back and we won.

And you are a blind cow.

And you are a...

I lost my humanity in the
dirt here for a while...

but it's slowly coming back.

See how I tried to do the human
thing and give a man a drink?

But you can't take it.

In addition to not seeing yourself...

you can't see me.

And we have so much in common.

We have nothing in common.

You're a prisoner, and I'm free.

And the likelihood that ever changes
is something I'd bet my life on.

I'd take that bet.

I told you they ain't coming back.

Look, they just... they
sweating us out is all.

Hey. What happened to Kramer vs. Kramer?

- They'll be right back.
- Back? From where?

We got everything,

- but then she kicked them out...
- Almost everything.

And now they're gonna tell the governor
that we need to get Bayley back, too.

You mean Figueroa gave in on
everything else on the list?

Look, none of that matters if
we don't get what we came for.

A lot of us care about
those other things.

- Yeah.
- Oh, so now y'all wanna give a shit?

Yo, y'all need to chill.

If T say they're coming
back, they're coming back.

But how much longer can
we afford to wait?

What about Suzanne?

Wait, I told Cindy to deal
with her ass already.

Oh, you the one that sent "Shalom,
y'all" to give Suzanne lithium?


What else were we supposed to do?

Crazy is scary when she crazy-crazy.

She needed to shut the fuck
up for a little while.

Well, now she's catatonic,
so I hope you're all happy.


One of y'all come and get
me when they come back.

When they come back?

- How much I owe you?
- What?

Where's the food?

You from Greco's?

I'm here about Poussey.

You're a friend of hers?

I'm from Litchfield.

I work there. I
mean, I used to work there.

You're the CO.

Baxter. Bayley, sir.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Sir, I'm... I'm so sorry. I...
- Get away from me!

Get away from my house.

You got about two seconds
to get off my property.

Wait, I wanted to tell
you that... that I'm... I'm sorry.

What am I gonna do with that? You
want me to say I forgive you?

I just wanted to tell you
that I... I'm responsible.

It was my fault...

and I wanted to tell you that in person

because I know you're
angry, and you should be...

- so I'm here to...
- You want me to punish you.

Is that it?

With what... you want me to beat you?

Press charges? Send you to prison?


Because I don't
know how else to make it right.

There is no making it right.

I'm not interested in giving you
whatever it is you think you need

so you can atone.

See, I don't care whether you're
able to heal yourself from this.

'Cause what you done...

you're gonna have to live with
for the rest of your life.

That's your punishment.

And you know what?

It's still a hell of a lot better
than what my baby girl got.

May you never have a day's peace.


This isn't the right charger.

What? Oh.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

I was just trying to get, um...

just to see if there was
food in the kitchen.

You are a really shitty liar.

I mean, how did I ever fall for it?

Seriously, shame on me.

- Boo, honey, please...
- Oh, honey, let's...

No! Ow! Ow! Please don't... Ah!

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Gather the fuck round, bitches.

I'd like to take a moment to introduce
you to Miss Linda Ferguson.

She's the head of purchasing
for, wait for it...


I know.

- Oh, fuck!
- I know.

You thought Linda here was a
hardened criminal. So did I.

But it turns out
that she is an infiltrator.

She's a fucking spy.

- What?
- She's a fucking bitch!

Now, "purchasing" being her job title,

would lead you to believe that her
job is to buy us things, right?

But no... in
reality, her job is not to buy.

Her job is to deprive.

Like, you know how we have
to eat poop instead of food?

Thank you, Linda.

You know how we have to roll our
own tampons out of old napkins?

Well, she's your girl.

How about these pillows
that smell like mildew?

Yup, that's her.

Or these shower shoes that are so thin
the tile fungus gets through the soles?

Yeah, and what about these boots
that weigh ten pounds each, huh?

No, that's not
even my department!

Fuck you, Linda!

You know what this reminds me of?

When I went to go visit
my family in Bucaramanga,

some guy stole my cousin's purse,

the whole town got together and
lynched the guy right in front of us.

- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

They do that shit in
Mexico, too. So fucked-up.

- Hello? Justice was served.
- Oh, shit.

Hello? We're crimers, too.

If we lived there, we would've
got, like, super lynched.

No, down there, if you're super
cute, you don't have to do crime.

You just marry a drug boss or something.

We grew up on the
wrong side of the border, I swear.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Shit.

Fucking bitch!

Come on! Is that all you got?

What's happening?

My God. Look at all those people.

Yeah, it's 'cause of some video.

All of this is because of the video?

Weird mix it's drawing in, right?

If I was walking by that crowd,
I'd figure Oprah must have died.

What going on with the negotiations?

We got them. The demands. All but one.

Get the fuck out.

But then Taystee had to pull
her dick out, and now...

It's just a matter of time before
they come back with everything.

Keep telling yourself that.

- So we're not getting the demands?
- It's a wait-and-see.

Shut Litchfield
down! Shut Litchfield down!

- Hello?
- Mom!

Piper, honey, is that you?

What are you doing here?

My child is trapped in a prison riot.
One shows up for those sorts of things.

Please tell me you're not leading it.

I guess I should be flattered
that you think of me as a leader.

Honey, are you okay?


- I mean, it's Alex.
- Did something happen?


We went through something really
horrible together and, um...

Do you remember when I used to say
that I wasn't afraid of dying?

You'd say it every time you jumped off
your grandma's roof into the pool.

Well, I
think I'm finally scared.

Because I came pretty close to dying.

I mean, closer than I've ever been.

And it made me realize that...

I don't want to miss
out on being with her.

I want to stick around because of her.

I'm so sorry. I know you
didn't come here to hear that.

Oh, no, no, honey, honey, it's not easy.
But I'm glad you have someone like that.

I mean, I remember when I first realized
that I felt that way about your father.

I was a freshman in college and we
had this devastating hurricane.

I mean, half of the university
was under water, and...

several of us were trapped in a dorm.

Thought I would die from the heat,
waiting for the life rafts to come.

And then I saw your father
paddling across the lawn...

in a rowboat.

He knew I was in there, so he
volunteered to bring us some food.

Cans of corn.

That's what he brought me.

I didn't know that.


It's nice that you want
to be there for Alex.

I always thought you would be the
girl in the relationship though,

but I suppose there was always a
healthy dose of testosterone in you.

So I shouldn't be surprised.

Two steps forward and one step
back, but we're making progress.

People, we need you to move
this whole area 40 feet back!

Let's go! Come on, move!

- I have to go.
- Get 'em back.

- Mom?
- Let's go, people.

Come on, move.

How about a Chinese character
that says tranquility?

Oh, come on.

A Chinese character can never
pronounce tranquility.


She'll admit that was funny later.

So Noah Berkowitz...

- Berkovich. Yeah.
- Berkovich.

So he was way deep in
the superhero culture.

He was five.

I was five, too, but I saw them all
for the frauds that they were.

You know, Batman with his
gadgets. Spidermin...


- What?
- Spider-Man.

- That's what I said.
- You said "Spidermin."

Like he's a dermatologist
on the Upper East Side.

Whatever. It
was all a big, fat lie.

Most of the men I knew couldn't
even run up a flight of stairs,

let alone leap tall buildings or fly.

- Maybe I should get a yin-yang?
- Lame.


You're getting the Kool-Aid Man.

Yeah, a hero with a practical ability.

- Breaking through a wall?
- No.

He satisfies your thirst on
demand. That's a hero in my book.

That's a cocktail waitress.

I'm still holding out
for the ability to fly.

All done.

Oh, yeah!

Your mother's gonna kill you.

My mother doesn't see this
part of my body anymore.

You took your pants off in
front of her last week.

I had a weird skin thing.
I wanted her take on it.

From now on, I'll call
Dr. Spidermin for it.

I don't know, she sniffs out
secrets like a truffle pig.

So what are you getting?

- Oh, I... I think I'm gonna pass.
- What?

- Yeah.
- No, come on, get one.

Another one, where, you know, in a place
where people can see it this time.

It's not... My tattoo is not for me.


It's for other people.
It's a reminder of beauty.

And 'cause I'm a... I'm a Pisces, right?
It's like a fish tattoo of destiny.


It's a fish tattoo of destiny.




It's her.

Fuck! Oh, fuck, she knows.

Hey, it's Vause. Leave a message.


You know that means "hello" and
"goodbye"? Just like "aloha."

But you probably knew that.

Something that you may not know...

is that today...

my boyfriend got a tattoo...

of the Kool-Aid Man.

Oh, yeah.

And believe me, Al...

it's no "Love is pain."

This is Piper, by the way.

Blast from the past. Do
you recognize my voice?

Boy, well, I guess things...

You know things are bad when
you're calling old girlfriends

from the bathroom floor in the
middle of the night, huh?

How are you still...

in my brain?

Where are you?

Do you miss me? Probably not.

I miss you.

I don't know what I'm doing.


I don't know what I'm doing. Shalom.

So what did the mystery lady have to say?

Does the schnauzer get clipped at dawn?

Are you okay?

Fuck, do we need to get out of here?

Um, yeah. Yeah, you need...
you need to get out of here.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, you need to go.

Oh. Okay. Um...


- Look, it's for your own safety.
- Sure. I get it. I get it.

- Move over. Move over!
- Oh, fuck.


- Are you kidding me right now?
- All the other stalls are full.

Is that pee? 'Cause it sounds like
pee, but it smells like shit.

Well, it feels like lava.

When that article said espresso's
the poor man's cocaine...

- I thought that meant we could snort it.
- I don't think it's the coffee.

I think it's, like,

what happens to your intestines
when you fuck up real bad.

Stress does hit me in the gut.

Maybe we should have stayed
out of this whole thing.

Sat out in the yard,
getting sun or some shit.

No. Fuck that.

We did what we believed in.

Ain't no one can take that from us.

Except they did.

Not yet, they haven't.

We gotta tell Jefferson.

And maybe there's a chance that
we can walk away from the table

with what we still got.

- That's still a win by me.
- But we can't go out there.

If those bitches find out we lost
the hostages, they'll kill us.

Or shove us into some crap
box, like they've been doing.

Or like we've been doing.

Don't make me question the mixed
morality of what we been doing here.

Come on.

You think about what you're gonna
say in the press conference?

'Cause we should be complementary
but not redundant.

You think they'll ask
me to say something?

They brought you a suit.

Forty-four short.

They think I'm fucking
Danny DeVito over here?

And they never brought
my goddamn crackers.

They forget your boxers, too.

In and out? Five minutes, tops.

Don't touch the hair.

You think if I touch that thing,
it'll actually move an inch?

It's a fucking helmet.

We have a situation.

Miss Jefferson did not
release the hostages.

An inmate helped them escape.


Miss Jefferson clearly has no
intention of ending this riot.

So we will have to.



So is it true?
About your son's surgery?


Will he be okay?

They're doing this thing
called trepanation.

My aunt tried to explain it, but I don't
think she understands it, either.

I know trepanation.

They basically... lift the
upper flap of your scalp

and drill a hole under your skull
to release pressure on the brain.

You making this shit up right now?

Uh, no. Uh, my... my
roommate, freshman year,

uh, he did it for enlightenment.

Yeah, it's a thing.

You went to college?

That's what you found most
surprising about that sentence?

- You don't look like the type.
- I didn't go to college-college.

Uh, more like I...

moved near campus and lived off tuition
checks till my parents found out.


If you were my kid, I would've
slapped that ass till it bled.

Yeah, my mom, uh...

she put raisins in everything that
she cooked for about a month.

- Very passive-aggressive.
- Better than aggressive-aggressive.

Maybe my kids would have
turned out better...

if I hadn't always been so damn
pissed at them all the time.

I always thought if I didn't yell
at them, if I didn't spank them,

then they would turn out to be
these little wake-and-bake shits

with nothing in their lives.

I'll pretend like that doesn't hit home.

Uh, hey, you know, from what I
remember about trepanation,

I... I think the survival rates
are actually pretty high.

I mean, my roommate lived.

He's not exactly normal, but...

Not normal?

High survival rates.
That's the message here.

Yeah, hello?

Vincent, hi.
Uh... you don't know me.

- But I am Lorna's friend.
- What?

She put you up to this?

Look, you tell Lorna

I don't know why she keeps playing
these mind games with me.

First, I'm having sex with her
sister, and now she's having a baby?

Shit's bananas.

All right, all right, man. I
get it. All right? I get it. Believe me.

Uh, Lorna can be a little
intense. She can go overboard.

Which is why she has not one,

but 12 pregnancy tests all
lit up like Christmas trees.

Are you saying she's really pregnant?

I'm guessing it wasn't your
intelligence that attracted her.

Hey, you know what? Fuck you. I
didn't sign up for this shit.

But that's where you're wrong,
'cause you did sign up for this.

I mean, you had your choice of
women out there in the real world.

Uh, within your realm of
possibility, but still...

There was a pool of fours,
maybe even some fives

with okay tits for you to
choose from. But instead...

you, uh, went fishing in the felon pond.

So, either you're an asshole who knew
that women in here are so desperate

you could hook yourself an eight,

or you're as batshit as Lorna, in
which case, match made in heaven.

- She thinks I'm fucking her sister.
- Oh... Are you?

No! God, no.

She's got, like, four kids. And no tits.

I mean, I keep telling Lorna
this. She don't listen to me.

Just keep telling her until she does.


You know... all her life,
all she has ever wanted

is for somebody to reassure her
that she is worthy of love.

So if you do that, then, um...

you know, she will be good to
you, she will take care of you.

She will even overlook all those things
that are so deeply fucked-up in you.

Uh, and yeah, when she gets
out of here, she will, uh...

uh, probably hack your phone or maybe,
uh, key some female coworker's car.

But, yeah, she's gonna do
it 'cause she loves you.

And, uh...

I mean, some people would give anything
to be loved like that.

That's all I gotta say.

Just stew in your juice, and then,
uh... yeah, do the right thing.

Litchfield, 3:35, you know,
they're boarding already.

Yeah, thanks.

You're not in a hurry, huh?

I can't blame you. I went
there once for a swim meet.

It's kind of Shitsville.

Isn't it all kind of Shitsville?

Uh... no, actually. There's some
pretty cool places out there.

Where would you go?

If I could go anywhere?

Uh, New Orleans, probably.
There's a girl there.

Uh, Portland. Obviously not
in the winter. Taos, maybe.

Last boarding call for
express bus to Albany and Poughkeepsie.

Last boarding call for Albany
and Poughkeepsie, Bus 419.

- Thanks.
- Thanks, man. Have a safe trip.

This is the final
boarding call for the 3:35

to Albany, Utica and Litchfield,
departing immediately from gate 14.

You don't handle her like this!

Well, maybe what I've done for Suzanne
ain't what you would've done, but I tried.

You were "busy."

I was trying to make sure we
was doing right by Poussey.

Oh, whoa, whoa! I know you two piñatas
ain't really waltzing up in here

after chaining Suzanne to
her bed like a damn dog.

- They did what, now?
- Settle down. We on the same team here.

See, I ain't opposed to
hitting people on my team.

Stop. None of that matters.

The hostages are gone. Mendoza
and Ruiz helped them escape.

Wait, wait, wait. The guards are gone?

Also the hot one that
think he speak Italian.

You mean gone-gone?

Like no-more-bargaining-chips-on-the-table

Shit, man!

You really think "shit" is the
best word for this situation?

'Cause me, personally, I'd upgrade
to "holy fucking Fucksville."

We were thinking maybe we can still
walk away with what we got so far.

- Yeah, I... I don't think we can do that.
- Why the hell not?

Just wait here.

- I'm gonna go get Fig back.
- Back from where?


I thought you might wanna go back
to your sexy librarian look.

'Cause that's why I wear them.

It has nothing to do with
the having-to-see thing.

Right, there's that too. Okay.

I need you to listen to me for a second.

I think that this thing might be over

and I'm gonna be able to get
you some real help soon,

but first...

I want you to have this.

- Beans.
- A can of beans?

Just pretend it's corn.
It's a very long story.

You have taught me...

that... love hurts.

You've taught me that life...

It hurts.

And I want to be there for you.

I want us to be there for each other.

So that maybe...

it hurts a little less.

Alex Pearl Vause...

Yes, Piper Elizabeth Chapman?

Will you be my partner...

through love and through pain...

and through beauty fish, forever?

Is that your question?

Alex, will you marry me?

I figured that's what you were doing.





You had to do this now?

I mean, I guess timing has
never been either of our strong suits.

I kind of think that I did.

And you did just say yes!

- That is what I said, isn't it?
- Mmm-hmm.

I think it's
legal now, isn't it?

Tell them to wait! Tell them to wait!

Tell them to wait! Wait!