Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - WAC Pack - full transcript

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

A colleague of mine e-mailed
that to me this morning.

labeled as
"Litchfield Poonanny."

I would like to solve
this problem

before the warden
finds out about it, Joe.

Neither of us wants to
see what happens if he,

or, God forbid, the press,
get a hold of this.

Forgive me for questioning the no doubt
pristine reputation of Prison Poon,

but how do we know for sure
it came out of here?

Notice the tile?

Either one of your inmates has a cell phone...
There's no way.



My guys tore the bunks apart
looking for the screwdriver.

Then it's a CO. And he's taking
beaver shots of inmates.

So much better.

The warden'll love that almost as
much as he loves a dick in the ass.

Well, what the warden does
with his free time...

I will get to the bottom
of this, ma'am.

I hope so.

It is so depressing dealing with
a man who makes less than 40 K.

I was really hoping to get
you above that this year.

(SIGHS)

Christ.

Freckle guy in Admin
is really into Photoshop.

Useful.

Are you back on carbs?



My gut's all fucked up from my cheat
day, so I'm sticking to soft foods.

Got some Go-Gurt
in the fridge for lunch.

Watermelon Meltdown
flavor, so...

Fig's on the warpath.

Might want to hide out
in your office today.

YOGA JONES: Between
the Baptists and the addicts,

I can't find a peaceful place to
meditate on love and acceptance,

which my Buddhist
faith requires.

(PANTING) Mr. Healy,

we're having a real hard
time praising the Lord

in front of all these
heathens and sinners.

We need our chapel.
It's our God-given right.

Hey, Mr. Healy, would you
take a look at this?

I think it might be the flu.

Mr. Healy, them cracker meth-head bitches
won't let us change the channel.

And it's our turn! I can't watch
no more Toddlers and Tiaras.

Don't you triviatize.
This shit is serious.

I won't support the
sexuation of baby girls.

That's some nasty shit,

even if some of they sequin
dresses do be on point.

You into some dirty
shit, Mr. Healy?

Fine! You have control of the
TV schedule from now on.

I'll get you a remote.
(GIGGLING)

Now, don't bother me
for 24 hours.

No, no, no.
Make it 48 hours.

Yes, sir!

WOMAN: ...could do it. She's
been taking tap since she was 3.

Planet Earth 24/7, bitches!

(CHUCKLES)

Uh!

(GROWLING ON TV)

MAN: In this climate...

Huh, is that how you wear
your hair these days?

Oh, really, Mom?
Every time?

Don't be mopey.

Polly had the most darling
French braid yesterday.

You saw Polly?

Yes. I dropped by
with a baby present.

She told me about your
little chicken incident.

Is that what she called it?

It's none of my business, but I
think you owe her an apology.

I have been trying
to apologize!

Keep it down, Chapman!

(WHISPERS) Oh, my.

I have been calling her. A lot.
But she won't answer the phone.

I need you to be
very honest with me.

Are you losing it in here?

Because we're very worried about you.
There are medications.

I am not going crazy.

I am surrounded by crazy,

and I am trying to climb
Everest in flip-flops,

but I am not going crazy, okay?

Honey, nobody would blame you.
Look at this place.

You're incarcerated.

God only knows the emotional toll it
must take to be in here with that woman.

She is the least
of my problems.

She's your entire
problem, Piper.

You'd be home trying on wedding
dresses, growing your business,

giving me grandchildren,
if it weren't for her.

She stole all that from you.

Mom.

Yes.

I need you to hear
what I'm gonna say.

I need you to really hear it.

I am in here

because I am no different
from anybody else in here.

(SCOFFS)

I made bad choices.

I committed a crime.

And being in here
is no one's fault

but my own.

Honey, if that lawyer
had done...

Howard.

Larry's father's name
is Howard.

You never would have ended up
in here if you'd gone to trial.

Sweetheart, you're nothing
like any of these women.

Any jury worth its salt
would have seen that.

Darling, you were a debutante.

ANNOUNCER: Visiting hours
will be over at noon.

You may return at 2:00 p.m. for
the afternoon and evening hour.

You look like her.

That's what I'm told.

You don't think so?

I prefer to be in denial
about the shared genetics.

You are in denial about
a lot of things, blondie.

I'm a WASP.
That's what we do.

I'm working on it. Are you
waiting for somebody?

Nah. Wouldn't want to ruin
my four-month dry spell.

Yeah, well, after that visit,

that's starting
to sound appealing.

(SIGHS) Look, don't say ungrateful
crap like that around here.

Your mother shows up,
buys you pretzels. Poor you.

We all have our shit, Nicky.

Yeah, some shit stinks worse
than other shit, princess.

You don't know
how my shit smells.

Sure I do.

(SNIFFS)

Your shit smells like Shalimar.

Must have rubbed off
when she hugged you goodbye.

What a bitch.

(EKG BEEPING)

Nicole! It's time
to wake up.

(HOARSELY) Mom?

Bacterial infection
in your heart.

Usually introduced
from a dirty needle.

They also found traces
of cocaine in your blood,

which is a fun
new choice for you.

I had pneumonia.

It must've spread or something.

Seriously, I'm clean.

Ironically enough, you are now.

You had several blood
transfusions during the surgery.

Must have been a pretty
bad case of pneumonia.

(CHUCKLES)

What, you gotta call Paolo?

Make sure he's surviving
without your tit to suck on?

You are 26 years old.

Isn't it time you gave up
this angry, I-hate-Mom phase?

Holy shit!

Oh, you're my mom!

See, I could have sworn it was that
brown woman who made me pancakes

and read me
Charlotte's Web at night.

I did what was good for you.

Living with a nanny while you lived in
a separate apartment with that prick

who thought children carried germs?
That's for my own good?

I think if you take a second and
look at our current situation,

you might reconsider.

Do you know what? Keep blaming
everyone but yourself, Nicole.

Seems to be working out
really well for you so far.

I always miss you
until you're here.

Then I realize the mom I miss must've
been someone I invented when I was a kid.

I don't know what more
you want from me.

I want you to do things
mothers do.

I don't know, hold me,
give me sips of water.

Anything.

They told me
you were gonna die.

I'm done, okay?

I'll stay clean.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Ma.
Mmm-hmm?

What that...

Fucking slut.

Aleida, it's not worth it.

Aleida! Aleida!

Fucking bitch!

Yo, respect your mother.

Why? She never acted
like no mom.

You okay?
Shit.

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE:
Baby watch, day 232.

Painting the nursery. Mimosa
yellow, non-toxic, obvs.

Leave a message, but it might take
me a while to get back to you,

because, you know, I'm preparing
to bring forth new life.

(INMATE SOBBING)

I got nothin'.

And you have no knowledge of anyone
taking his or her cell phone

out of his or her locker
during his or her shift?

If I were you, I'd ask Mendez.
He looks guilty.

It's probably the mustache.

You ever notice
how guys with mustaches

always look like they
just fingered a little girl?

How about a camera?

You see anyone with a camera?

(SIGHS)

Nope.

You have not observed

or participated in any

inappropriate activity

or relation with an inmate?

No, sir. It's...

Because, in here, inappropriate

can mean a smile

at the wrong time, Bennett.

These women are hungry,
if you get my meaning.

Yes, sir.

They want sex, is what I mean.

Understood, sir.

Good. We're done here.
We're done.

(KNOCKING)
Mr. Caputo?

Come in.
Susan, have a seat.

Congratulations on becoming a
Litchfield correctional officer.

We really appreciate
you coming in so soon.

CO Thompson came...

This is confidential,
of course.

Well, he came a little undone

and is currently on
temporary/permanent leave.

The inmate will have to wear
an eye patch for a few weeks.

Well, I'll be sure to keep my
hands to myself, sir. (LAUGHS)

Except during strip searches, I hope.
Right?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Anyway, I just wanted to personally
make sure you're settling in okay

and bring you up to speed
on our current crisis.

(SIGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Why'd you change the station?

That reggaeton shit
gives me a headache.

It's the same thing
over and over.

How come none of these
stations play The Smiths?

'Cause it's pussy music.

How Soon Is Now? is,
like, an '80s anthem.

Bitch, you were born in '92.

So? So you don't know shit.

MAN: The shark makes its move,
moving directly to the seal.

Oh, fuck this!

That's it. Ina Garten is making
brown butter cake today.

Don't fuck with my
cooking shows. T!

It don't matter
what you wanna watch.

I'm president of the TV, and you
can't do nothing about it, Pussy.

My name is Poussey.
Accent a droite, bitch.

Accent a what?

It's French.

Poussey is a place in France
where my daddy served,

and kings was born and shit.

What the fuck you named after?

Some bullshit cakes
with cream in the middle?

You callin' me a Ho Ho?

It's Hostess, you dumbass.
Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll.

Norma, will you go?

What, are you blind now, too?

If you put the "S"
on the end of "knife,"

you can make "slut" going down.

Fifteen points ain't bad.

No cheating!

Oh, I'm just helping her.

The plural of "knife"
is "knives," genius.

No such fucking
word as "knifes."

Oh, no?

Well, then what does Tony do to
Bernardo in West Side Story?

I'll tell you what.
He knifes him.

Well, aren't you
the plot spoiler?

So, here's a good idea.

Why don't you mind
your own fucking business

and go back to planning your cute
little hetero wedding? (SCOFFS)

Hey! Are you gonna get
your dress off of eBay?

I sure hope nobody scams you.
That'd be fucking ironic.

Don't you dare!

You are way too fucking
short for that!

Sit down, Boo! I am serious!
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey.

Hey!

You ladies need to start
acting like ladies.

Now, what's the
problem in here?

(ALL TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Ladies!

(SHOUTS) Ladies!

I'm gonna bring back
the Women's Advisory Council.

The first election
will be held this Saturday.

In the meantime,
don't bother me

and simmer down,

okay?

WOMAN: All kitchen
inmate duties...

Thank you.

Oh, it's on. Who's gonna
be duchess of WAC?

Taystee!

♪ Taystee ♪

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

So, I'm thinking campaign
buttons instead of posters,

'cause everyone
will be doing posters.

We can stick 'em on with tape. What
do you think about yellow and pink?

They're my wedding colors.

It's just a real
pretty combination.

But I don't wanna tell Christopher,
'cause I don't want him to get jealous.

'Course not. You wouldn't want him
to think you liked pink in prison,

right, Morello?

(SCOFFS)

Still can't believe you're
running for this lame shit.

Red told me to.
I'm her pick.

You want me to say no to her?

She picked you?

Yeah. You got
a problem with that?

I just think it would have been
smarter for her to pick a dyke.

A real dyke.

Yeah, Nicky. Last time I
checked, Lorna was pretty gay.

(CHUCKLING) Gay for you,
as a matter of fact.

Oh, you didn't hear?
We're done.

Well, she's gotta start working
on tightening her pussy muscles,

'cause her fiance's dick is so small,
it's like a hot dog in a hallway, so...

Wow.

All right, ladies! Taystee! Taystee!
What's happening?

So, who are you running
against besides Taystee?

She don't count. Black ladies just
run against the other black ladies.

My competition is Pennsatucky.

But it don't matter, because Red's gonna
make all the white girls vote for me.

So, you only run against
white people. Hmm.

You can only vote within
your race or your group.

Look, just pretend
it's the 1950s.

It makes it easier
to understand.

See, everyone elects a
representative from their own tribe.

White, black, Hispanic,
golden girls, others.

And those five gals,
they meet with Healy,

they tell him what we want,

then he speaks to the higher-ups.
It's like student council.

But how is that
an effective system?

Not every Hispanic person
wants the same thing.

Oh, sure they do. They all
want to come to America.

Jesus, your entire world view is
based on West Side Story, isn't it?

Can we get back to Lorna being racist?
Just more of that, please.

But...
Okay, fine.

See, I know because my
neighborhood is near them.

They live, like, 20
people to one apartment.

They have more kids
than even the Irish.

The men like their women
with big titties, big asses.

They're dirty, they're greasy,
their food smells nasty

and they're taking
all our jobs.

If y'all want a man representing
you, be my fucking guest.

That bitch got a plastic
pussy or some shit.

You wanna see it?

Please! You flash that shit
like it's made out of diamonds.

I done seen it about 10 times already today.
(POUSSEY LAUGHING)

Listen, honey, I know all you care about
is what you get to watch on the TV,

but me and my
diamond kitty here

wanna prioritize things
around this place,

like health care,
basic human rights...

You ain't never gonna
change that shit.

(CHUCKLING) You think
this white people politics?

(MIMICKING) Let's talk about
health care, Mackenzie.

Oh, Amanda, I'd rather not.
It's not polite.

Well, did you see that
wonderful new documentary

about the best sushi
in the world?

Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't
enjoy it as much as I might have before.

You know, I just
don't have the time.

Chad and I have our yoga workshop,
then wine tasting class.

And then we have to have really
quiet sex every night at 9:00.

But did you hear that piece
on NPR about hedge funds?

Amanda, let me ask you, what do you
think about my bangs these days?

I mean, do you
like 'em straight down,

or should I be doing more
of a sweep to the side?

Sweep to the side.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yo, you gotta...

If you want more pizza,
vote for Maritza.

(LAUGHING)
That shit is horrible.

I like pizza.
Everyone likes pizza.

What? It's
American and shit.

It's Italian,
you fucking idiot.

What, you got something better?

Yeah. I'm gonna run.

Oh, shit. It's on.
Wow, fancy!

What, "Vote for Flaca,
puta's full of caca"?

All right!
Okay!

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Shit. It don't matter
who wins, all right?

Just as long
as you handle our shit.

Please. I can out-shout
any of these bitches.

Are you sure?

Oh!

All of you who think we don't have
any sisters, we're black people...

Did you know they can't float?

What the hell
are you talking about?

It's true!

Like in the swimming
pool and shit.

Their bone density
ain't right for it.

(LAUGHING)

Yo, my uncle told me.

Yo, that shit is
crazy, Flaca-ca.

They're smelly,
stupid and lazy,

but they ain't got
different bones.

Except in their pants. Yo, let
me tell you, them black boys,

they got some serious trouser meat.
Like, whoa!

(ALL LAUGHING AND CHANTING)

That's enough!

Quiet down!
Hey! Quiet down!

You are in violation
of the Litchfield...

Shut up!

Well, don't be an observer.
Grab a rag.

What's up, Nicky?

This rag smells like mildew.

It means your counter
is gonna smell like mildew.

That's gross.

You need to wash
your rags, Red.

Nicky...

Why'd you choose Lorna
to run for WAC and not me?

You're questioning
my decisions?

Only in the most respectful way you
could possibly imagine. I just...

I thought I was
like your Spock.

(CHUCKLES) My what?

You know, your right hand.
Your girl Friday. Your V.P.

Lorna is pretty
and unthreatening.

I like her lipstick
and she listens.

The last thing you need
is a public forum.

You're already too mouthy
for your own good.

Yeah, but...

Don't confuse being my
daughter with getting a vote.

This isn't a democracy,
sweetheart.

(CLATTERING)

You need something?

(GASPS)

Oh, gosh!

This prize sure beats the heck
out of a decoder ring.

What can I say?

The girls are very concerned
about their oral hygiene.

(TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING)

You bringing in
cell phones, too?

Absolutely not.

So you're not taking dirty pictures of
your hairy pussy to send to your husband?

Do the curtains
match the drapes?

You got some purple
wispies down there?

What are you talking about?

(SWITCHES OFF)

Someone smuggled in a phone.

And now it's getting
in the way of my business.

I don't like competition,
sweet cheeks.

(TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING)

(SWITCHES OFF)

WOMAN: Cell block D,
prepare for inspection.

WOMAN: Visiting hours
are now over...

Caputo grilled me about inappropriate
relationships for five hours today.

It wasn't really five hours,
but it felt that way.

You know, this is
inappropriate.

What you and me are doing.

It's gonna be fine, baby.

I think we have different
definitions of fine.

I'm about to lose my job,
and your mom was naked.

Like, really, really
naked. All of it.

I saw her boobs.

But you didn't do
nothing, right?

What?

You didn't fuck her?

Why would I...

I don't want your mom,
Daya. I want you.

(MOANING)

No...
Let me.

Please, don't.

I wanna feel all of you.

(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)

Oh, come on in, Chapman.

Please close the door.

What? Do you...

Hold up the red one.

Okay, now the blue.

WOMAN: Mail call
in 15 minutes.

WOMAN: Cart will be making
the rounds in 15 minutes.

Mr. Healy...

It's for my wife.
It's our anniversary tomorrow.

I think the blue
is better. Thanks.

Have a seat, Chapman.

Chapman, we understand
each other, don't we?

I think so.

I mean, I agree.

I think the two of us
working together,

we could really turn
some things around.

Or at the very least, make
things a little quieter.

You want me to run for WAC.

We don't get ladies as bright
as yourself in here often.

Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that.
I really do.

But I'm trying this new thing where
I stay out of the spotlight.

I feel... I think that
it's a better bet for me.

I'm giving you a chance to
make your time count, Chapman.

Thank you. But I need
to politely decline.

Well, I'm disappointed.

It's certainly not like I can
force you to run anyway, right?

We're not Cosmo, Larry.

We don't do pieces on
having better orgasms.

And, truthfully, "edging" sounds like
a recipe for blue balls. It's just...

It is gross.

Look, what if I change
the angle? Maybe...

What's the deal with your wife?
Is she really in prison?

My fiancee. She is.
It sucks.

Look, um, I really think
if I made some changes...

Christ, Bloom. No one wants
to learn how not to come.

Coming is the whole
goddamn point.

Listen, I've got to
get to this meeting.

But this is a good story, okay?
Come on, Tim.

I need this. Just give me something, huh?
An assignment.

You want an
assignment? Fine.

Here's your assignment,
"My wife is in prison."

Fiancee.

She takes naked showers
with bad, busty women,

and I'm home alone thinking
about it, trying not to come.

That's a story for us.
Knock yourself out.

It's too far!
A little to the right.

Ain't we learned our lesson
about hanging crosses, Tucky?

Ain't we learned our lesson
about mouthing off? Get...

Sorry.

You keep this up,

and God's gonna start
questioning your devotion.

He told me.

"Died for your sins."
Who's gonna win?

Tiffany.

(CHUCKLES)

Man, those little white
midgets are sad,

but them bitches
know how to win!

(CHUCKLES) Look at you,
all power hungry and shit.

Where are your morals,
Candidate Jefferson?

Well, Mackenzie...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This fucking election.

Like this place needs to be
any more like high school!

My God, I'm drowning
in vowels over here.

This the campaign strategy?

No, it's more like
a life strategy.

Everyone likes to get fed.

Come on. Come on! Come on.
(CHUCKLES) That's gross.

Come on!
It's delicious!

Speaking of high school...

I feel like such an asshole.

Why won't she even look at me?

'Cause you were an asshole.
Everyone has their limits.

Okay, 32, 33...

Whoa.
Thirty-four points!

Bam! (CHUCKLES)

Look, you know her better than
I do, but in my experience,

she can smell bullshit
like a shark smells blood.

Just cut out the needy puppy
act and be straight with her.

Say you're sorry
for being a dick.

What about, like, a snappy kind of slogan?
Something with rhymes in it?

What about, "Vote for Morello because
she's not yellow, she's white"?

(CHUCKLES)

(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)

Mmm! Oh, that's good.

It's a party!

I feel like I'm playing house.

(CHUCKLES) You wanna
play doctor instead?

POLLY: This place
is insane.

Cheers.
Cheers.

Great to meet you, Holly.

It's Polly, actually.

Right. Polly Hobbie.

Would you excuse me for a minute?
I have to go play hostess.

She's better in smaller groups.

Think she'll remember
my name then?

Are you being pissy
because I'm seeing a woman?

I'm pissy because
you're seeing an asshole.

I think you're overreacting
a little bit, Molly.

There's a weird energy in here.

Not to mention she's loaded
and she's, what, like, 30?

Trust fund?

No, she imports things.

I can't believe you're giving me shit for this.
You dated your teacher.

Adjunct professor.

I really like her.

Do you like her or her things?

Oh, I get it. You're
feeling threatened.

Oh, Jesus. Fuck off. I'm
just looking out for you.

Well, don't. I'm happy.

Well, then don't expect me to be
there when you're not happy anymore.

Okay, I won't expect that. But you will be.
Because you love me.

Of course I do,
you stupid lesbian.

You spoiled bitch.

I came seven times
last night. (LAUGHS)

Well, that's just excessive.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

You're doing well.

I am.

We'd like to increase
your output.

I'm always curious about who "we" is.
(CHUCKLES)

Is that like when "they" say that
faux fur vests are in this season?

You know what I mean?

No, I don't know what you mean.

How much?

One hundred thousand a month.

Oh, (CHUCKLES) Jesus.

What can I say?
We're back in vogue.

Give the people what they want.

Well, I'm gonna need a few more kids
and more cash upfront for treats.

Whatever you need, as always.

Kubra will be happy to hear.

We value your role
in this organization.

Great. Glad
I'm not expendable.

We'll give you a call in a few
days to arrange the next drop.

Can't wait. Cheers.

That's a hell of a scar.

Pervert.

I like your tits, too.

Baboon heart?

Bacterial infection.
Hmm.

Endocarditis.

What? Drug pusher/
heart surgeon?

(CHUCKLES)
Just the former.

It was pretty common
among our top customers.

You miss it?

Holy shit. So much.

More than good coffee, more
than sleeping in the dark,

more than wearing skirts.

You wore skirts?

Yeah. I loved
a good skirt.

You?

I don't miss smack.

I was such a lousy
junkie. (CHUCKLES)

Never fully committed.

But the business...

Man, that I miss.

The adrenaline, the power.

Yeah, I miss cooking it. Which
makes me an idiot, right?

I'd let it bubble, even though
you waste it when you do that.

I just loved the chemistry,
you know? The routine.

I am a sucker for ritual.

Look at us, Nichols. Same
coin, different sides.

Supply and demand,
motherfucker.

(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

Hey, Alex.

OPERATOR: An inmate from Litchfield Federal
Prison is attempting to contact you.

To accept the call,
please press one.

POLLY: Fine. You caught me
on a hormonal upswing.

Plus I need a distraction
'cause I'm in the stirrups.

Am I a good friend or what?

You are. You're the best friend.
You are the best friend.

You're my best friend.

Oh!

I'm so sorry, Pol.
The chicken...

How about we don't talk about
the chicken, like, ever again?

It's so weird in here, Polly. I
wish I could explain it to you.

Well, I have an asshole alien
growing inside me

and I'm waiting for a strange man
to put his hand up my vagina,

which I'm pretty sure
I prefer to my husband's.

We could have a weird-off.

God, I miss you so much.

I miss you, too, Pipe.

So, Barney's.

Nope. You've
forfeited your right

to talk about the
business for a while.

I'll take care of it
from here on out.

You're kidding me? So you're not
gonna tell me what's going on?

This is really important to me, Pol.
We really need the money and...

Babe, I know.
I'll take care of it.

Jesus, you're a felon,
I'm fat and miserable.

Who gives a fuck about soap right now?
It'll all be fine.

Will it?

I have no fucking clue. Seemed
like the right thing to say.

How are things with
you and super-cunt?

Fine. Sort of.

I don't know. I feel like I need
to tell her that I'm sorry.

I feel like I need to tell
everyone that I'm sorry.

Piper Chapman,
The Apology Tour.

You care about her?

I mean, no. I just
think that it would...

Since we're stuck
in here together,

it would be easier
if we were friends.

If super-cunt replaces me as
your best friend, so help me.

Oh, never.

Hey, if your mom's been telling me
to rub cocoa butter on my tutu,

what the fuck does she mean?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Jesus. Oh...

She used to call it that
when I was little.

A tutu?

You heard that one before?

My gynie loves it.

And I love you.

I love you.

So you're done being mad at me?

Yes. Now I've got to get probed. Have
a nice rest of your day in prison.

Have a nice time getting your tutu probed.
(INMATE SOBBING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SOBBING)

LORNA: Don't be yellow,
vote for Morello.

SOPHIA: My friends,
we may be incarcerated,

but that does not mean we're
not entitled to fair treatment

and access to
comprehensive medical care.

Tuesdays, pizza?

Fuck pizza, we're gonna
have Tuesday tacos.

Tacos, burritos, hot salsa and everything!
This is stupid!

Hi, ladies... I take care of business.
I know what's up, all right?

...most of y'all
know me as Tiffany.

Only a few, Pennsatucky. We're
gonna leave it that way.

I hope each and every one of
you will allow me to lead you,

in addition to letting me do your
weave at a discount! (CHUCKLES)

You all listen to me.
I know what's up, all right?

Come on, let's hear it up
for the Latino!

(ALL CHEERING)

TAYSTEE: As lady president, I'll
demand waterbeds for everybody.

We'll be dreamin' like Beyonce on
a yacht every night up in here.

Comprehensive that, bitches!

Yo. You got my shit?

It's comin'.

My cousin paid you for that shit.
Ain't it supposed to come in today?

Listen, powder.

If you speak to me again,
I will fucking crush you.

It's coming. Chill out.

(MUSIC PLAYING IN VIDEO GAME)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Well, this is a surprise.

Best entertainment you could
hope for around here.

FLACA: Friday night, we're
gonna have salsa night, okay?

I can't live without
my conga, okay?

As y'all know, I am a
follower of Jesus Christ,

my Lord and my Savior.

(CROWD AGREEING)

And he wants us to spread his word.
With force, if necessary.

You know, I'm surprised the Admin
is actually letting this happen.

Those boys have
awfully short memories.

White girl who won
last time got slocked

when she asked the commissary to stock unsalted
potato chips instead of salt and vinegar.

It's not a job you want.

Furthermuch, why don't
we have Ultra Sheen

in the commissary?
Why?

You ask me,
that shit is racist!

Fucking racist. Why you gotta
hate black folks? Why?

You do have
to admire their effort.

Every damn inmate is here.

I'll see you later.

In closing, let's get some motherfucking
fried chicken up in here once in a while!

Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I said it.

She said it.
I'm black.

She's black.
And she black.

I'm black! And we
like fried chicken.

Well!
That shit is delicious.

Everybody likes it. Chicken for the people.
I rest my case.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Well, I say we should have
a "whites only" bathroom!

(CROWD CHEERING)

This ain't
The fuckin' Help, bitch,

but you will eat my shit.

(SIGHS)
(URINATING)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Oh!

♪ They call me Taystee
'cause my pussy be delicious

♪ Like an apple it's nutritious

♪ Like a Clinton it's ambitious

♪ You wanna mess with all that?
Bitch, please

♪ You's a gnat, you'll go
splat Best be runnin', stat ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah? Well. Yo, yo...

♪ My name is Leanne
and I got game

♪ We're here in Litchfield
and it's kind of lame

♪ This rapping thing
don't seem so hard

♪ Ain't like
I'm a fucking retard! ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ Fucking dumbass cracka
Should just smack ya

♪ Think you own Jesus?
Turns out he was black

♪ The word is ironic
Me? I'm deep like Atlantis

♪ Rhyming some chronic shit
then pray like a mantis

♪ Matter of fact I'm so done
with your white trash ass

♪ Just 'cause you got little
tits don't mean you got class ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

That's my shit!

Hey.

This is crazy...
Shh...

(MOUTHING) Go away.

Sorry.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)

Who wants a piece of Big Boo?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Are we supposed
to lie down, Mr. Healy?

Hey. Hi.

Hey.

How are you? (CHUCKLES)

Good.

I made you this.

Wow. Thanks.

When I was little, I found
this comic book in the trash.

I'd never seen girls
who looked like that.

They were like Disney
princesses, but prettier.

I liked tracing
the drawings a lot.

My friends thought
that they were lame,

but I liked that
they were different.

They weren't like the
Sunday comics, you know?

I guess I'm a freak,
or whatever.

Not that you're a freak
because of your legs.

Leg.

I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.

Does it hurt?

Not anymore. Just a little
clumsy sometimes. (CHUCKLES)

Me, too. Sometimes.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Thanks for the advice yesterday.
I think she loved it.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You got enough money?

Yes, transfer came
through yesterday.

And Daya, she need anything?

She's fine.

Then why isn't she here
to say hello?

You better not be fighting again.
She needs her mother.

Wait a minute, both of you
are here to visit me?

Sure don't seem like it,

the way you're talking.

Daya. Daya!

Aren't you my woman?

You acting like
a jealous bitch.

Shit's not flattering, is it?

LARRY:
It went well.

Yeah. I mean, it...
You know. It was great.

Wow! He liked it?

You seem surprised.
Edging?

Edging? Babe, it's a really... It's
a very weird thing to write about.

Weird, very weird.

Actually, he, um, wants me
to write another article.

Really?

Yeah, he thought, um...

He thought I should write about you.
About our experience.

Our experience?

(SIGHS)

Huh!

Has it been difficult
for you in here?

You know, you're not the only
person having a hard time, Piper.

I hate your stern voice.

I'm sorry. I don't mean
to take this out on you.

But I...

Could you just give me
a little bit of time

to figure out how I feel about you writing
an article about me being in here?

Of course.
You need to

process.

I should respect that.
Take some time.

I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be
Piper Chapman, the convict fiancee.

But as soon as you write an
article, it will all be so, um...

Public.

I hear ya.

I hear ya.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, is everything
going okay with Alex?

Yeah, it's fine. It's good.
We don't talk.

Good.

That's good.

Diablo!

Diablo?
What?

That lady, that crazy lady.

I found her phone
in the bathroom,

and there was
a picture of her...

And Healy had it printed out
on his desk, and the...

Never mind.
It's a long story.

Anyway, everybody thinks
that she's crazy

and that she's talking
to herself in there,

but she's not!

She's talking
on the phone. To Diablo!

She's been sending him
pictures of her tutu.

Whoa!

That's kind of brilliant.

Wait a second.
Mmm-hmm.

If you know where her phone is,

can you send me
pictures of your tutu?

Ew!

All right.

Thirty-one for Maritza,
16 for Sophia Burset,

41 for Taystee,
46 for Lorna Morello,

24 for Tiffany,

19 for "Fuck you."

An impressive 28 for Jesus.

You still can't tell the fish kissers
who's boss, can you, Samantha?

I've asked you repeatedly
not to call me that.

This isn't about
giving them power.

This is about your mother telling you, you
could take a bath before dinner or after.

You were still gonna get wet,

but you thought
you had a choice.

I have no fuckin' idea
what that means,

but I do know you just basically
built a prisoners' union.

Samantha.

(SLAMS DOOR)

(SIGHS)

ANNOUNCER: Attention. All maple
syrup is now considered contraband

after last week's incident.

The winners of the WAC elections will
be announced shortly. Thank you.

Enjoy dinner!
Hope it's scrumptious!

I'm real nervous.

I thought the whole idea of Red endorsing
you is that you're going to win.

It is. She's just playing coy.
It's a talent of hers.

RED: I made Claudette's
famous coconut cake

in honor of our new
WAC representative.

Should coconut be beige?

Fine.

No cake for you,
little girl, big mouth.

Tough love, I guess, huh?

Jesus. I don't know
how you deal with her.

RED: Norma's gonna
get you some mouthwash.

A clean mouth
makes you feel better.

Here.

(SHUDDERING)

You gotta hit rock bottom before
you know which direction to go in.

Welcome to the floor, kid.

(SOBBING)

It'll be better from now on.

And what I'll do to you
if you use again

will hurt a lot more than this.

Remember what I'm saying.

HEALY: Ladies,
attention, please.

How's my hair?

You look great, kid.

Don't worry.
You're gonna be great.

HEALY: Your elected
WAC leaders are...

Ruiz...

Which Ruiz?

HEALY: Maria Ruiz...

Oh, shit!
What the fuck?

What the fuck?

(LAUGHING)
HEALY: Jefferson...

Ooh! Taystee is
prison president, bitches!

(CHEERING)

HEALY: Chang, who will be representing
both the others and the golden girls,

and...

Chapman.

But you didn't even run!