Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Chickening - full transcript

"In a world filled with
hate, we must still dare to hope.

"In a world filled with despair,
we must still dare to dream."

Words from the late,
great Michael Jackson.

Chapel will open at 8:00.

Today's order of services
is Catholic, Evangelical,

Wiccan, Baptist,
other, and Muslim.

Enjoy your Sunday.

You didn't eat breakfast. Most
important meal of the day.

Start your engine right.

Thanks. I'll, uh...

Thanks.



Fine. Run on fumes.

I'm doing the
4-Hour Body.

I don't know what that is.

Oh, you'll see.
You'll see.

Okay. Good luck
with that.

Come closer!

Oh! Fuck me! God!

I could get it.
Fucking come.

Yes! Yeah! Yeah!
You fucking skank!

Yeah!

Finally!

Man, look how buff my left arm
looks just from grabbling you.

Nichols, we gotta stop.

No, we can't.



I gotta work out
the other side.

Otherwise I'll be asymmetrical
like a crab, or a tennis pro.

No, no, no.
No more. I'm engaged.

Yeah, that's right.

Get it while you can.

No! No, it's not
fair to Christopher.

And I need to
start tightening up.

You're making me
feel like a cave.

Baby, it's a cunt.
Huh? It stretches.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like you're
trying to climb inside my womb.

What can I say,
I've got mommy issues.

Well, I don't want
to do it anymore.

This was the last time.

All right. Yeah, it's cool. Just at
least get me off first, all right?

That's not very classy.

We're having sex
in a fucking chapel.

Come on, you wanna
give me blue balls?

It's not fair.
I wake up every day and I...

Fuck!
Shit!

I thought you said the service
wasn't for another half hour.

It was. You take
too long to come.

Chaplain, the Jews never put
the markers back in the box.

So write to your Congressman.

What if he's a Jewish?

There is one art cabinet for
everyone and you have to share.

Now, if you please, we need
to get ready for mass.

Sister? The candles.
Yes.

My service is coming up.

I wanna hang up my decoration.

Your decoration?

Yep. Look at it.
I made it in the shop.

Except for it's not
done on account that

I ran out of glow-in-the-dark
paint, but...

Doggett, get it out of here.

What? Why?

You know why. I have
explained it to you.

It's not iconography,
it's a cross.

Nothing goes on the walls

that can't be taken down
before the next service.

It's gonna glow in the dark.

Now, Doggett!

You know what? Fine.

That's just fine.

It ain't right,
and you know it.

Well, this chapel is
not just for Christians.

Yeah. I'm sure if I was a
Catholic, you would be much different.

That's not true.

Yep. It's very true.

'Cause you and that Pope's
bitch are running this place!

I like to think of myself
as more of the Pope's homie.

You know what?

You treat everybody here better than me.
Even those witch ladies.

Also not true.

No, it is true. You let... You
take them for walks and you...

As I would take you if your faith
required communion with nature.

I don't want to walk! Okay?

I'm gonna hang this damn cross!

'Cause it's my religious freedom
and you're violating it!

You could sue.

I heard about this
tranny in Massachusetts.

State paid for
her whole hoo-ha.

I don't need them
to pay for the car.

I just need them
to buy the oil.

What exactly is going on with you anyway?
Is it like menopause?

Same idea.
Not enough lady juice.

Skin gets loose, tits get saggy.
Hulk get angry.

Oh, God! Do not do that!

Jesus.

I know what you can do.

You find an old lady lifer
and you bum her estrogen.

You think the Fed gives a shit
about a felon's hot flashes?

None of that gets covered.

Nun gets it. I'm on
the pill line with her.

Bullshit. It's probably
just anti-depressants.

Oh, really? Ever heard of
an SSRI called Gynotab?

Ow! What the fuck?
Girl, you pulled my hair!

Any available CO

to outer gate for
inmate transfer.

You don't fucking talk to me, but you
want me to thread your eyebrows?

Nobody else can do them right.

Besides, we're family. We fight,
but we do shit for each other.

You gonna let me play dominos?

You can keep score.

You got some thread?

All personnel, 10-21 Jasmine.

Here. Go find Gloria,
see if she'll trade with you.

If not, I'll pull some
threads from my jacket.

All right.

Hey. What are you doing?

Trading corn.

Inmates aren't
authorized to barter.

What the fuck is "barter"?
Trade.

Oh, come on. Everybody trades...
Hey!

You want to get written up?
Is that what you want?

What do you want from me?

What do I want?
Less attitude! You got that?

You're not in charge here.
I am.

Now give me the corn.

Yes, sir.

Damn, y'all saw that?

He fucking took my corn!

Come on down to the
hottest spot south of Havana!

Brazil's Copacabana Beach.

But I would be careful.

Some of the most beautiful
places along the beach are...

Whatcha making?

I'm knitting.
Oh.

I'm sorry, do I smell?

No, she's just in the zone.
How's your Sunday?

Pretty nice so far.
I was outside.

It is beautiful up
here in the fall.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I got myself incarcerated just so
I could see the changing colors.

I'm serious. I think I
need to be outside more.

Weren't you cold?

A little.
But it was lovely.

I had my tea,
it was almost hot.

I had my book,
it was almost good.

And I saw a chicken.

How random is that?

What? What?

You saw a chicken? Like, a real
live chicken in the flesh?

Well, it was covered
in feathers, but...

What's going on?

You need to talk to Red.

About what?

You just need to talk to her.

CO to Main
Control for a shift briefing.

Dayanara!
I unclogged the toilet.

There was a Barbie in it.

Eva?

What? Barbie wanted
to go scuba diving!

Ow, Mommy! Help me!
Aah!

Sucio! Get your caqui fingers off me.
Dios mio!

She's gonna hit me!

You trying to hit your sister?

She flushed a Barbie
down the toilet!

The Barbie Cesar bought you?

You think Barbies
grow on trees?

You think toilets
grow on trees? Huh?

No.

What grows on trees?
Nothing.

That's right! You need to
look after them better.

How about you?

I got better things to do.

Get them a pizza if they're hungry.
I'm eating oysters, bitches.

Whatever.

I want oysters.

No, you don't.

You're sure it was a chicken?
Not a pigeon?

No.

What about
a quail or a pheasant?

Spruce grouse?

American bald eagle?

It was a chicken. I know
what a chicken looks like.

I don't...
What's the big deal?

There are no chickens around here.
Except for one.

They say she lived
on a farm near here.

Till one night,
the night before

all the other chickens
were slaughtered,

she escaped.

She's been out there ever
since, living off the land.

Living on her wits.

Hey, what's going on?

The chicken's back.

Oh, give me a break.
Mom, there is no chicken.

You're wrong!
She saw it.

Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.

How'd it get over the fence?

I don't know. It flew?

Chickens don't fly. It was
probably a spruce grouse.

No, it was her.
I saw it in a dream.

Goodbye.

She came to me,
already dressed in herbs,

and a little top hat,
black, tilted to one side.

And she said, "Soon, Red,
we will be together.

"Soon I will be yours."

No more processed chicken

that looks like a hockey puck
and tastes like wet paper.

Real chicken Kiev.

First girl to bag that bird

gets a box of Biore strips.

Me, too?

Yes. You, too.

You did good
bringing this to me.

Maybe you're not as
useless as I thought.

Sister Ingalls.
How was your service?

Oh, fine. Thank you
for asking. Uh...

Sophia. Sophia. That's right.

What was your sermon about?

Oh, I don't give sermons.
I'm not a priest.

But we did have a good group
discussion about overcoming sin.

Oh, I'm sorry I missed that.

Really?
Are you Catholic?

No! But... Well, I think a
lot about overcoming sin.

And I just love Jesus Christ.

And I've always wanted to try
one of those communion wafers.

Well, I have a box
of a thousand.

They're not as fresh as the
ones you get outside of prison,

but they're good with dip.

Oh, I forgot my hat.

Mind if I come with you?

Not at all.

Okay,
higher. Higher.

Yep, higher. Nope, wait!

No! To... Okay, now to...

Look, that doesn't look
centered to me, it just...

Excuse me!

Oh, hey, Sister. Ain't
your time through here?

I thought you weren't
allowed to put that up.

No?

That's what the chaplain
told you this morning.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You're the little church mouse
that lives in her pocket.

Well, I live in God's pocket.

And she said I couldn't
put it up on the walls,

but she didn't say
I couldn't hang it

from the ceiling,
all right? So...

That's not
a load-bearing pipe.

What do you know about a
load-bearing pipe, lady man?

I think I just told you.

Please.
I'll just get my hat.

It's not my business.
I don't want any trouble.

Trouble? There's not gonna
be any trouble, okay?

This is beautiful.

All right? It's our right as
Americans to religious freedom.

Ain't you heard of
the Third Amendment?

Soldiers should not be given quarter
in a house in times of peace?

Is that really what
the Third Amendment says?

I never knew that.

Can you stay out of it?

Oh, damn it, Tucky.
I can't go back to seg.

God has chosen to
test our conviction.

So Red's okay with me because
I saw this chicken, I guess.

And she said I wasn't useless.

Wow.

Good.

So that's the big
news in my small world.

Um...

What's happening with Barney's?
Did you talk to Weiner?

Yes, I have.
Actually, there is...

Oh, well, it's funny,
but there's a problem.

What?

They have concerns
about our ability to

produce since we
still don't have a space.

You told them that?
They don't need to know that.

Why did you tell them that?

I don't know,
because they asked?

I'm sorry, should I
have texted you first?

We don't have
an official order yet.

They could take
us off the shelves.

Well, you know, I was thinking maybe
that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Excuse me?

I mean, maybe it's not the best
time to expand our business.

Polly, I quit my job for this.

And then you went to prison.

If I'd known you wouldn't
be around to handle things,

I would have delayed the
baby and gotten a puppy.

But I'm the size of Venus and
allergic to dogs, so... Fuck it.

Polly, we were counting
on the extra income.

Please, like you even pay rent.

I pay rent. Who told
you I don't pay rent?

Polly, I know that you're having
a baby, but what about our baby?

What about Baby Poppy?

What if Piper talks to Weiner? You
have more of a rapport, right?

Yes! She likes me!

So, should I see if she'll
drive up with us next week?

No. We can set up a call.

I'll call you, and then
the recording about it

being a call from
prison will play,

and then you can call
her from your phone,

conference her in,
and I can talk to her.

Please?

Two minute warning.
Two minutes.

What? Jesus, they don't
give you any time.

I know. Honey, have you talked
to your dad about Alex?

No, I... Not yet. I will...

Faster, please. Come on.
Okay, well,

I'll ask him about it when
I see him later this week.

Ask him what?

To look over the indictment. To
see if Alex really named her.

Of course she named me.
It's so obvious.

Then why does his
dad need to check?

So I can shove it in her smug,
lying, fucking lying, fucking face.

I know she's lying.

Hold up. What, she's in
here with you? Oh...

Yes.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh.

You lied to me?
Honey, I didn't lie to you.

I just failed to mention.
I didn't want you to worry.

Worry? Worry about what?

That she'd turn gay again.

Whoa. That's not happening.
And you don't just turn gay.

You fall somewhere on a spectrum.
Like, on a Kinsey scale.

Okay.

Besides, she is the last person
around here that I'd sleep with.

Who's the first?

See? I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean that. I just...

This is exactly why I
didn't want to tell you.

Because I knew that you would do this.
What are you afraid of?

That I'm going to do something?

Gay?

I wasn't before,
until you lied. Now I'm...

Now I'm wondering if maybe
you're worried you will.

Ah. Classic projection.

Polly, don't help.

Not only
is the ceiling ripped open.

Not only is the chapel
covered in asbestos,

rat shit, God knows what.

Toxic mold.

Toxic mold.

But, surprise, surprise, our
electrical line has been compromised.

We have to run new electrical.

Officer Luschek,
is running new electrical

something that you
feel particularly

excited about doing
on a fucking Monday?

Nope.

Hell nope.

You ought to be relaxing
after an exhausting weekend of

prostate stimulation
and blow-up fuck dolls.

But instead,

thanks to this missed
opportunity for cradle death,

you're here with me.

And all these
other shit-birds.

And all this shit.

Man, why she ain't in SHU?

Janae got sent to
SHU just for talking.

Quiet, or you'll go with her.

It weren't my fault. I was just
doing as the Spirit commanded.

Fuck are you, Joan of Arc?

No. I'm from Waynesboro.
My name is Tiffany...

She knows what
your fucking name is!

And you guys can kill each
other on your own time.

Hey, Bennett, grab some retards
and go start the demo.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Could we get some masks?

For the mold.
And the rat shit dust.

Bennett, go see if you can find

some dust masks
in the tool shed.

Okay.

Rest of you, go outside. Start
bringing in those sheets of drywall.

Wait a minute!
What?

I don't want "it" here.

Oh, please!

That's why this
whole thing happened.

God's angry that there's an
abomination in the church,

and if we don't
get rid of "it,"

it's just gonna
keep on happening.

All right, you listen to me.

You are not
an agent of God, okay?

God can do so much better than you.
You must know that, right?

Know what?

Jesus Christ, how the fuck
did you survive infancy?

My auntie helped my momma...

That's a rhetorical question!

Do you not understand what a
fucking rhetorical question is?

Sophia just cares
about the church.

And she just wants to help.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm!

Help clean up the mess you made.
Mmm-hmm!

You see,
there, Pennsyltucky?

That's just what I've been
saying the whole time.

You're an idiot.

I want to fuck
Jesus in his hand-hole.

Mmm.

All right.
Let's get to work.

Hey. I thought that
we might get masks, too?

There's not enough.

That's what you get
for acting uppity.

Okay, so about the chicken...

What about it? It's like Red's
version of the white whale.

No, no, no, I saw it.
I really did.

All right. It's just you
and the crackheads then.

But at least you're getting
in good with Captain Ahab.

Better her ship than the ocean.

So I take it you're not gonna
come look for it after work?

What, the chicken?

We're gonna search the yard.
Morello invited me.

Morello and I are sort of
taking a break.

I'm sorry to hear that.
What happened?

Yeah, she still thinks her relationship
with her fiance isn't doomed.

But she'll be back.

Nothing lasts.

Twenty.

You got that?
What's the score?

Oh.

Hold up, let me add it up.

What's going on over there?

Come on, chicken!

Red's looking for
the chicken again.

That bitch is crazy.

Who gives a shit
about a chicken?

Maybe it's not the chicken but
what's within the chicken.

You trying to sound deep?

Nah. My boy, Potato Chip, told
me that when he was down,

they used to bring in dope by
putting that shit inside birds.

Chickens?
Nah.

I think it was like
a pigeon or something.

Did they stick it up the butt?

Nah. They put it in a little
baggie, stuff it down the throat.

But maybe they put
it in the butt, too.

There's no chicken.
That's a fairy tale.

My boy said that shit's
worth, like, $1,000, yo.

And that's just from
what they put inside a pigeon.

A chicken's got
a much bigger butt.

Are you kidding me?

You have to be fucking kidding me.
You too?

I'm not stupid. I'm just
going to watch the stupid.

Yo, Spanish mamis
got something going on.

Ain't you going, too?

No.

No, you'd rather sit
and scribble love notes.

Don't play dumb,
I know what you're doing.

I seen you leave a kite
and I know who for.

You followed me?

I'm telling you, you're wasting
your time with that one.

Not that you're not pretty.
I don't mean it like that.

It's just, you gonna fuck
a guard, fuck a fat one.

That way they're
more appreciative.

Let you sneak in cigarettes.
Maybe bring you McDonald's.

Is that how you really think?

That's how you need
to start thinking.

I'm trying to look out for you.

I don't fuck dudes
for Big Macs.

But you fuck 'em.
Yeah.

So what do you fuck 'em for?
Love?

Daya? Daya!

Hi, baby!
Hello, my little angel.

How you doing?

Where's your
brother and sisters?

I don't know. I'm hungry.

There's food in the kitchen.
Why didn't you...

Go ahead. I'll go.

And Paco's like, "He's not
an eggplant, he's retarded!"

What do you want?

What are you doing in here?
Get out.

Eva's hungry. I need to
make her something to eat.

So make her something.

But, hey, you better make me
something, too, if you're in here.

You can't eat that.
It's shaped like animals.

So, I don't give a fuck.
It tastes the same.

But it's made for kids.

I'm just trying to
look out for you,

so people don't
think you're a faggot.

You wanna wear Superman undies
and eat kids' food, be my guest.

Maybe I should get
you a propeller beanie

and you can hang
out on the corner.

Go out and buy some real food.

Keep the change.

Buy a smile?

Cesar, how much longer
we have to do this here?

Not long.

Pepe may have found a new spot.

What's the matter?
You don't like me anymore?

All right,
extend that rear leg.

Challenge yourselves,
but don't forget to breathe.

What do I do with my arms?

Extend the arms.

Soft eyes, Morello.

Excuse me. What's happening?

We got AA.

No, not right now you don't. We're doing yoga.
This is our time.

Well, they sent us here
'cause the chapel's wrecked.

Now, don't worry. You just keep
on doing what you're doing.

Yeah, let's see one of these
downward facing doggie styles.

Soft eyes, Morello.
Soft eyes.

This is unacceptable.
Norma, take over for me.

I'm getting Caputo.

I'm sorry, am I disturbing you?

Oh, man, I did it.
I fucked up your Zen.

No. Wouldn't wanna accidentally
kick you in the face.

"So we do not lose heart.

"Though our outer
self is wasting away,

"our inner self is
being renewed day by day."

What's that?
Corinthians 4:16.

Just something I say to myself
when I think my ass looks fat.

So you do understand what
I've been going through.

I know, changes in
the body can be painful.

But remember,
your body is just the ship.

Your soul is the passenger.

Oh.

There's another passage here.

So you been through menopause?

Oh, yes, dear.

Did you just pray that
you'd get through it?

More or less.

What's the "more" part?
And the "less"?

I also exercised regularly.

See, it's especially
hard for me because

it's taken me so long
to get to this point.

And I'm just not ready
to give it up, you know?

Yes, you said.

And I sacrificed so much.

Right.

And I feel like finally,
finally, I'm the woman

that God intended
me to be, you know?

That's wonderful.
Yeah.

You're not getting my hormones.

Now, shall we
return to Scripture?

You knew? This whole time?

I figured it out
when you thought

"Stations of the Cross"
meant Christian radio.

So you've been playing with me?

You may be unhappy, but it has
nothing to do with your body.

If you were truly a woman, you'd
never be happy with that anyway.

You have guilt.

About what?

About leaving your wife to
take care of Michael alone.

About Michael being...

Don't you talk
to me about that!

You don't get to
talk to me about that.

Sophia!
Leave me alone!

Attention all
personnel, be advised, count.

So there I am, topless,

sitting on this bulldozer,
like, in a construction site.

So I'm sitting there,
barbecue sauce on my titties,

and I'm like,
"What the fuck? Again?"

And then I look down

and I see there's this dude
down on the ground

with his head by,
like, the tire.

And then I look close

and I recognize it's the
bum from the night before

that was hollerin' at me
outside of Pizzeria Uno.

And when I look closer, I see
the dude is wearing my shirt

and he's got barbecue sauce
all over his face and he's...

He's dead.

And that's when I knew it was
time to make a change. Thank you.

Almost the exact same thing happened
to me, but it was tuna salad.

All right.
We will now,

once again,
go into a forward bend,

and when you're ready,
relax back into Shavasana.

Anyone else feel
like sharing today?

Anybody?

I'll share.

I don't have a great
rock-bottom story

because my rock bottom
is happening right now.

Not that you're not all great, but I
guess I just thought I'd never be here.

You know, I thought I was
someone who was in control.

And I was in control,
for a while.

When I only dealt heroin.

Not even dealt.
I mean, I was an importer.

But, yeah, I was going through
a break-up, and it was around.

Actually, I think it's more accurate
to say that I was abandoned.

But, anyway, I started using.

Are you finished?

Yes, thank you.
That was wonderful.

Heroin was the best
girlfriend that I ever had.

You know, she always
made me feel better,

and she was always available.

But even the best girls
will fuck you over, you know?

Yeah, you would fucking
know, wouldn't you?

Damn, I thought yoga
was supposed to relax you.

You want to know
if she fingered her?

I think that's
been established.

Please, Dad. No jokes.
I can't take it right now.

Howard, leave him alone.

You leave me alone.

Larry, have you
weatherized yet?

I know it looks tacky,
but if you put up the plastic,

you'll save a lot
of money on heating.

Those windows are very old.

I'm going to, Mom.

And I'm sorry I'm
late with the rent.

It's all right. As long as you
take care of us when we're dying.

Though you might want to think
about getting a job at some point.

He has a job. He's a writer.
All it takes is one article.

For what?
To get paid 50 bucks?

To lead to bigger things. You have
any projects you're working on?

Yes, Mom, thank you.
As a matter of fact, I do.

I'm working on
an article right now.

What's it about?

It's a trend piece, about
something called edging.

It's when you have sex or
masturbate without coming.

Without coming?
That sounds unhealthy.

A man needs to come.
Larry, tell me you're coming.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Howard, tell Larry he needs to come.
You could get blocked up!

I'll tell him.

Listen to your father.

You two want some soup?
The girl made soup.

Soup would be nice.
I'm fine. Thank you.

I'll get for both of you.

Dad, please. I know you don't like
Piper, but I'm asking you to help me.

Who said I don't like her?

I like her. She's the nicest
felon you've ever dated.

Stop.

I just think she's a bit wispy.

I thought you'd end up with
someone more substantial.

Are you talking about her moral
character or the size of her breasts?

Please. I'm an ass man.

He's an ass man.

You asked about her girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend.

I have looked over
the indictment.

And?

It states that, unequivocally,
Alex Vause gave her name.

Good. Thank you.

Good? How is that good?

It's good that
Piper'll know for sure.

And she'll hate her more,
so she'll stay away from her.

Listen, Larry, don't tell her.
Why?

Prison is a fishbowl, son.

The last thing she needs
is an enemy to obsess over,

do something
stupid out of anger.

She should serve her time
and leave without any trouble.

I'm not gonna lie
to my fiancee.

Why not?

Because our relationship
doesn't work that way.

Oh, yes, yes. It's based
on trust and honesty.

Even though she
neglected to tell you

that she's in there
with this Alex until now?

Okay, first of all,
it's only been three weeks,

and she didn't want to tell me because
she didn't want me to get upset.

So, why should you upset her?

No.

No. I'm not gonna
lie to protect her

like she's some
helpless thing, okay?

Honesty is the best policy.
I really believe that.

Larry, remember
all those special

achievement ribbons
you earned as a child?

Yeah.

You notice how there was
never a public ceremony?

You did win that one for
tidiest cubby in preschool.

But the truth is...

...overrated.

My advice, keep her focused on her life
outside, her business, her friends.

The wedding.

Whether or not you actually
go through with it.

Here, Larry. Eat your soup. You're
the best soup eater in America.

He's got it!

Find that chicken,
babe, you got it?

Chicken!

Here, chicky, chicky, chicky.

What's going on?

There's $1,000 inside a chicken somewhere.
Everyone's looking for it.

- What?
- You.

This is your fault.
Huh?

You've been blabbing all over
about the chicken, haven't you?

Not really.

But even if I had, you never
told me it was a secret.

Because I thought
you had common sense.

Black girls hear about a chicken,
of course this will happen.

Why, because all
black people love chicken?

Don't be racist.

Because they're all on heroin,

and somebody's been telling them
there's heroin in the chicken.

I heard it's a gun.

Okay, I had nothing
to do with this.

You cannot blame this on me.
I just told you what I saw.

Right, what you "saw."

Why are you using air quotes?
Are you saying that I'm lying?

Maybe you wanted
to impress people.

I did not even know this was
a thing that was impressive.

If she hasn't been scared off, the
Spanish or the blacks have her.

Those Spanish probably
won't even eat her,

just cut her throat
and drink her blood,

or something
else superstitious.

All I wanted was
to eat the chicken

that is smarter
than other chickens

and to absorb its power.

And make a nice Kiev.
But, oh, well.

So, what?
You're just gonna give up?

Huh?

Just because of
a little competition?

That chicken is out there, Red,

and it's waiting for you.
To eat it.

And you have been waiting for
a very long time to eat it.

What do those other girls
have that you don't have?

They have dogs.

Dogs does not a chicken catch.

Determination, Red.

That's what catches chickens.

Who wants that
chicken the most?

Who will prepare
that chicken most expertly?

The woman who dreams about it.

The woman who was born
to eat that chicken.

You.

That's mine!
That's my chicken!

What the hell is
the matter with you?

You tryin' out for
the retard Olympics?

Somebody shove some
dynamite up your ass?

Do you want to get shot?

Trust me. We got a lot of
bullets up in that guard tower.

So if that's what you want,
just try that shit again.

You are not supposed to run.

Remind me never
to listen to you.

So, why are you running? Huh?

For a fucking chicken?

Who the fuck told you there
was a chicken in my yard?

But that's not fair!

It's more than fair.

You know the rules about running.
Who's next?

Chapman.

You're gonna have a swell
time down the hill, blondie.

Trust me, he's gonna break you.

Yes, thank you.

And that was not necessary.

Please close the door
on your way out.

Attention, inmates.

Multiple code violations will
result in loss of privileges.

So, I'm not sure if I
have the rumor straight.

Is the chicken filled with money,
or heroin, or guns, or candy?

No, no. Mr. Healy, this is...

I'm not sending
you down the hill.

You made a mistake.
You're new.

Thank you.

Probably just wanted to impress
people, be a big shot.

So you started making up stories.
No!

It's all right.
I understand.

You think this
is the first time

that I've heard
about the "chicken"?

It's popular fiction. It's like
global warming or female ejaculation.

No! No. No, it's not.
This is real.

How is it real?

Wait, which?

The chicken. And the...

The chicken.

There's a triple razor wire
fence around this camp.

It's impossible.

And if you think that
chickens can fly, well,

we better go to
Wikipedia right away.

Oh, my God,
you have the Internet.

Look, I don't care if you've
seen this thing or not.

But I don't want you exciting the
other inmates with this kind of talk.

They're not like you and me.

They're less reasonable.
Less educated.

And I don't want you
making up stories to Red.

You know how
Russians love chicken.

Moving forward, I want you
to keep your head down.

Don't make any more
boastful claims.

Don't...
See a chicken.

Exactly.

Now, repeat after me.

There is no chicken.
There never was any chicken.

The chicken is an urban myth.
A grand illusion.

Something to give
your life meaning,

but which is in fact not there.

We will make a poster.

Yo, chicken lady.

I got my visitation
revoked 'cause of you.

What'd you get?

I should've fuckin' known.

I don't mess with no heroin,
but I love me some candy.

You better watch it with the stories.
I didn't...

Bravo dorms,
assemble for visitation hall.

Still open?

In some tribal cultures,

the transgender person
is regarded as a shaman.

Trying to convert
me to paganism now?

Whatever works.

It's not a very
Catholic thing to say.

I'm not here as a Catholic,
I'm here as a friend.

I'll cut your hair. But I ain't
giving you no confession.

I already know how I feel.
I let 'em down.

You're still here.

And the best thing you can
do for them is be strong.

Inside. You already
have the Playboy body.

What are you
doing reading Playboy?

Oh, I read everything.

Why did God have to give me
that stupid penis?

I don't know.

Any more than I know
why he gave men nipples.

There are mysteries.

And as a Catholic,
I enjoy them.

The mysteries, that is.

Well, I enjoy the nipples.

So now they think that I'm a liar.
That I made it up.

I don't understand. Why would I
make something like that up?

I don't know.

Hey, you have that call
with Weiner later, right?

Yes.

You ready?
I'm ready.

That's good. Because I can't ask my
parents for any more money, okay?

No. Yes. And I can't
ask mine either.

Okay, we can't ask anyone's
parents for any more money.

So make it a slam dunk, all right?
Yes.

By the time you
get out of prison,

you'll be
a big-time soap baron,

I'll be a famous journalist,
and we'll start our life.

Life already has started.
I'm in here.

And I'm here with you.

But let's just be honest with
each other, okay, Pipes?

I wanna know what's going on.

Yes. I'm sorry that I
didn't tell you about Alex.

It's okay.

It has nothing to do with
me being attracted to her.

Really. I just...

I didn't want you to
know that I was in here

with somebody
that I hate so much.

Oh, my God, I swear,
sometimes when I'm around her,

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Well, as long as
you keep your figure.

Hey, did I tell you what
happened in yoga? No.

She was just there.
Trying to antagonize me.

I swear, Larry, I could
smash her in the face.

Okay, well, don't... Don't
do anything like that. Okay?

Anyhow, about Alex...

Oh, my God.
I bet it was her.

I bet she's the one who's been
spreading rumors about me.

I bet she told everybody
that I lied about the chicken!

Okay, Piper, let's drop the chicken for now.
It's not important.

It's my rep!

Piper, it's not important.
This is real life.

Please don't get dragged
into the prison drama.

Look, I know it's like a fishbowl
in there, but try. Focus.

Larry, I know
that you're right,

but I have to
live in this fishbowl

and it's just...

Just let him do his
krumping and have a good time.

...hard.

I know.

So, what were you saying?

Oh. About Alex.

I talked to my dad
about the indictment.

And?

She didn't name you. I guess it
was someone else from the ring.

Piper, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.

Did you hear me?
Yes, I heard you.

I know it's surprising,
but this is...

Pipes, this is good, really,

because now you don't have
to feel crazy, or angry.

You can just do your time and
stay away from that asshole.

It's just that,
Larry, now this...

This means that
I'm the asshole.

Swing shift guard detail.

P.m. cell check to
commence at 2130 hours.

What are you talking about,
Cesar can't make it?

I don't know.
That's what he said.

I take a fall for
that motherfucker,

the least he could do is visit.

Is he paying rent?
Is he buying groceries?

Yeah, but I don't want
him in the apartment.

Why? Is he
bringing girls home?

No. Because he...

Hey, I have an idea, you
want to ask how we're doing?

Mommy.
Answer the question.

Is he fucking around?

I did answer the question.

You know we took a bus
three hours to get here?

Mommy, I made a paper airplane.

Are you fucking him?

Please. You have
got to be kidding me.

Mommy!
What?

I made a paper airplane.

Where's your
stupid paper airplane?

At home.

Well, then why do I care?

You want to show me something? You
can't show me something I can't see!

What are you, stupid?

You tell that motherfucker
he better visit. He owes me.

When in the visitation
room, you're allowed two hugs.

One on arrival,
and one on departure.

Good, you're home.

Won't you make us
something to eat?

Take off. Be out.

How your tits be so big,
your mom's so small, huh?

Well, I guess I
get 'em from my dad.

Yeah?

You said five minutes.

Please. I just need
five more minutes.

That's all. This is a very
important phone call.

I'm on hold.
It's about my company.

Man, I doubt you even got a company.
You all talk.

See, there you go.

Piper?
Are you still there?

Yes, I'm right here.
What's going on?

I'm in a conference with Weiner

on the other line.
How do I punch you in?

I don't know, it's your phone.

Ugh. All right, hold on. I have to ask Pete.
I'll be right back.

No, no, no! Polly, wait, I don't...
Pete!

Polly, Polly, Polly...

Please revise count.

It is not clear.
Please conduct a recount.

Oh.

Hey. Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Get off, man!
There it is!

Look!
There it is! There's the...

Hey! Hey! Are you
using the phone?

Yes! I'm on hold.

Hey! Hey! Make your call
or free up the phone now.

Okay, Piper?
I figured it out.

Everyone's on the other line.
I'm punching you in, okay?

Piper? Piper, are you there?

Dandelion ain't here right now.

She gone to chase the chicken.

Chapman!

What did I tell you
about running in the yard?

I'm sorry, sir.
It's just that...

Both feet on the ground
at all times. What?

Nothing. Just trying to get
some fitness, that's all.

Two speeds in my yard.
Walk and shuffle.