Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 6 - Three Men, a Woman, and a Baby - full transcript

Oh God, it?s curry!

Oh you finally decided to get up, did you?
You still a vegetarian?

Pity they didn't make booze out of animals,
then maybe you wouldn't get a hangover!

Where is everyone?

Well, Raquel's still in bed,
Del went a work about 6 o?clock this morning.

But it's Sunday!
Don't he ever have a day off?

He's a yuppy, ain't he?
As he said, 'The business world never sleeps.'

New York stock
exchange closes, Tokyo opens.

- Del's gotta keep his finger on the pulse.
- Teriffic. So, where's he gone?

Petticoat Lane.

He's got to pick some gear up for a mate.



You any happier? You looked very
depressed when you come in last night.

That may have something to do
with the fact that my marriage is in tatters

and I've lost the best job I've ever had.

- But you're working for Del Boy now, ain?t ya?
- Exactly! Wouldn't you be depressed?

If I'd stayed with Cassandra's dad,
I'd have been running that firm within a couple of years.

Well, one day Del?s gonna retire
and Trotters Independent Traders will be all yours.

I know! Bloody hell!

I wish there was something - anything ?
on the horizon that could raise my spirits.

Del and Raquel's
baby is gonna be born soon!

Oh God, I?d forgotten about that.

But that's a reason for
celebration, innit?

For you and Del and Raquel, maybe.
But what about me? What chance am I gonna have?

Do you realize, by the time I'm 45 Son of Del will be 16.
And that will be it. I can hear him now.

"I've got a good idea, Uncle Rodney. I'll go and buy
a load of old crap and you can go out and sell it for me.



?Cause, you see, that way, Uncle Rodney,
I'll have lots of money and wide-awake suits

and you won't have a pot to piss in."

And the really frightening thing is,
I?m gonna fall for it.

That's stupid. It might not be a boy.

No, it is a boy.
Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night.

It's Del and Raquel to a tee.

In a couple of weeks'time we'll be awoken by
the cries of our own bonny, bouncing antichrist.

They're bound to call him Damien, you know.

They were thinking of calling it Rodney.

Rodney! Poor little sod.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Hello, love. Del's not back yet.
D?you fancy a cup of tea?

Please, Albert.

Sorry, I feel exhausted.
He was moving around all night long.

He's always the same after a curry...

The baby! Sorry.

The old creature from the
black lagoon has risen from its pit.

Del, that's no way to talk to
the mother of your child.

- Watch it, Rodney. You alright, sweetheart?
- Yeah, I'm OK.

- Guess what I've got here.
- No, go on.

Wigs!

You know that Mustapha
from the Bangladeshi butcher's down the road?

Well, his nephew works in a top London
West End wig-makers.

According to him they do all the top stars:
Jane Fonda, Sophia Loren, Anita Dobson, the lot.

And he gets these wigs at 25 per cent
of the retail price.

- 25 per cent of the retail price?
- It's a concession to employees.

And I sold them all!

All the old tarts down the Nag's Head
have been waiting weeks for these to come in.

- I went in and dated with advance orders.
- So you're back, Del. Fancy a bit of breakfast?

Yeah, make me a non vegetarian
bacon sandwich, will you Albert?

What are you doing today then, Rodney?
A Greenpeace rally, releasing a few nut cutlets?

Del, just because I have become concerned
about the welfare of our planet

there?s no need to take the rise out of me.

Yes, but ever since you become a vegetarian
you've become a right miserable git.

There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian, Del.

No, that's right! One in five people
in this country now refuse to eat meat.

Mickey Pearce is a vegetarian.

It?s only ?cause he got the sack
from the World of Leather.

A bloke needs a bit of stodge and fat to solid things up.
Any doctor'll tell you that.

All these carrots and cabbage cobblers,
no wonder you're so depressed.

You've gotta pick yourself up and look around
at all the things you've got in life.

You name me one thing that I - not you - me,
Rodney Trotter, has got to look forward to?

You're taking Cassandra to
Hampton Court this afternoon.

Oh cosmic! A castle and a maze. I just love looking
at old suits of armour and then getting lost.

Shut up, you miserable little tart.

I am depressed because
of the state of my life at the moment.

I got this horrible feeling that if there is
such a thing as reincarnation,

knowing my luck,
I?ll come back as me!

Trigger. See if you can find out
what they're naming the baby, will you?

Why?

Because I'm not allowed
to go in for my own competition, that?s why.

But I'll let you enter and then we go half
on the winnings.

Leave it to me, Mike.

- Alright, Dave?
- Alright, Trig?

Have they thought a name
for the baby yet?

Well, if it's a girl Del wants to call it Sigourney,
after the actress Sigourney Weaver.

- And what if it's a boy?
- If it?s a boy, he wants to call it Rodney.

Yeah? Who after?

After me, Trig.

- Alright, Del?
- Alright Trig?

Alright girls? Got them wigs you ordered.
Albert's bringing them in from the van.

- So?
- What?

What name have they decided on?

If it's a girl they're calling
her Sigourney after an actress,

and if it's a boy they're naming him
Rodney after Dave.

Brilliant, Trig!

Albert, come here. Just put that box down there
next to Rodney for a minute, will ya?

- So how'd your day out with Cassandra go?
- Don't ask, alright? Just do not ask.

Why, what happened?

Alright, I'll tell you.
Cassandra told me it's all over between us.

Me and Cassandra are no longer an item.
Me and Cassandra are no more.

Me and Cassandra are finito.

- I just don't understand her any more.
- I know the feeling, son.

When you and Cassandra first met,
what was the big attraction?

I don?t know. Lust, I suppose.

- Yeah, she struck me as that sort.
- I was talking about me.

I know you were. I was just trying
to have a little joke with you.

Well, I ain't in a joking mood.

- Alright, Rodney? How?d get on at Hampton Court?
- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Why, what happened?
- Cassandra gave him the elbow in the maze.

Oh, that sounds painful.

Come on, cheer up Rodney.
There?s plenty more fish in the sea, ain?t there?

It's not as simple as that, Del.
That girl left a mark on me.

So did your smallpox jab.

This is none of my business, Rodney,
and you can tell me to keep my nose out if you like.

Keep your nose out, Mike.

I was married once mate, I know what it?s like.
I know what you're going through, mate.

You listen to the man, Rodney.
His wife chucked him in years ago.

You don't want to take too much notice of things
that are said in the heat of the argument.

She said Irefused to adapt to married life.

Said I wanted to carry on doing
the same things that I'd always done.

What did you say to that?

I said, "I don't want to discuss it Cassandra.
I'm going down the Nag's Head."

I remember me and my missus.
I had 18 blissfully happy years, then I met her.

D'you find your way out
of the maze alright, Dave?

No, I'm still in there, Trig.

- I couldn't find my way out of there once.
- You couldn?t find your way in there once.

I was with this bird.
We had a right row.

She wanted to go to the left
and I wanted to go to the right...

No, I tell a lie... She wanted to go to the right
and I wanted to go to the...

Trigger! Me and Cassandra
are intelligent people

and we do not have rows
about which is the quickest way out of a maze.

God, I've never felt so
depressed in all me life.

- Come on, Rodney, don?t be like that.
- I just wanna be left alone.

Now, Rodney, sit down.
That is the worst thing you can do.

Moments like this you need
people round you.

But they just say stupid
things about lust and mazes.

Never give up on people, Rodney.

I know that sometimes
they don't seem to understand.

But when you're in trouble and
you cry out for help, that?s what is important.

You take Trigger's cousin Cyril.
He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

They was gonna be thrown out on the street
the following day. He was very worried about it.

What happened then, Trig?

He drove out to Beachy Head.
He parked about 5 foot from the edge of the cliff.

What, he was gonna drive off it?

Yeah! He just sat there for 2 hours,
his head resting on the steering wheel.

People tried to talk him out of it,
but he was too depressed to listen.

And this is the thing Rodney,
this is what I mean about people,

?Cause those people there, they had a whip-round
and they got him his 500 quid.

- No! Who held the whip-round?
- All the passengers on his bus.

You see Rodney, there?s always something to look forward to.
You just gotta be patient, bruv, that?s all.

In the meantime, see if you can flog some of them syrups.
Mike, do us a chip sandwich, will ya?

- D?you want sauce on it, Del?
- Yes, please.

- Brown or red?
- Yeah, both.

Del, these wigs. Did your contract say anything
about the Jean Shrimpton style or the urchin look?

No. Just said they're wigs, that was all.
Why?

You were right, Del.
He's cheered up already.

- What are you laughing at?
- I don?t know!

Hurry up Mustapha!

- You'll still be able to sell 'em, Del.
- How?

I don't know,
He who dares, wins?

Don't give me all that old pony.

Hello, is that the mosque?

I don't believe it.
He's phoned a mosque.

I wanna speak to Mustapha
about them syrups he flogged me...

Is he? Well, you better tell him, when he's
finished praying, he better go in for another one,

?cause when I get hold of him he's gonna need
all the help he can get.

I was gonna flog him all those hooky Cat Stevens' LPs.
He can forget all that, I tell ya!

- What's all the shouting?
- Del?s had a bit of trouble with them wigs he bought.

- What sort of trouble?
- They're blokes' wigs.

Blokes?

Yes! They?re men's syrups.
This is not funny, Rodney.

Alright, Del, alright...
Keep your hair on.

Don't you start, sweetheart.
How are we gonna get rid of these things?

There's a lot of bald blokes come out
of that building in Arnold Road.

That's a Hare Krishna temple.

Look at this stuff! Look here!
We've even got men's ponytails here.

I'll handle this the telephone sales campaign

and you will go down the pubs
and see if you can flog a few there.

In the p...?

How am I supposed to go up
to a bald bloke in a pub

and say d'you wanna buy a wig?
I'll get me face smashed in.

Either improve your sales technique,
or learn to duck.

Hello, Gordon? It?s Del Boy.
How?s it going, pal? Cushty.

Listen, Gordon, are you still bald?

The oil has now spread over nearly 10,000
square miles of water

and polluted over 700 miles
of shore.

The estimated hundreds of thousands
of bird casualties include bald eagles like this one?

It's disgusting, innit?

Yeah. They shouldn't put things on about
dead animals when you're about to have your supper.

I wasn?t talking about the
timing of the bloody programme.

I was talking about the damage that
we have done to our planet.

I mean, what are we are gonna leave
for the future generations?

For the little kiddies in the infants schools,
for the unborn millions?

Like Del's and Raquel's nipper?

No, I wasn't actually thinking of him.
Kids with three sixes on their heads don't count, do they?

Alright Del? There's a
fresh pot of tea on the table.

Cheers, Unc. I'll get meself a cup.
I've just been down to Raquel?s antenatal classes.

Full of pregnant women it was.

Everywhere you turned
there was lumps and things.

Why d'you have to go down there?

It's to get us ready for when we go into labour.

Showed us films on how it all happens.

You've already got some of
them in there.

Not those sort of films.
Films about the birth and that.

It?s a miracle, it is. It?s a 42-carat miracle.
Made some of the blokes feel quite ill.

I was alright, ?cause I used to run
a jellied eel stall.

So what have you gotta do,
you know, when it happens?

Basically, I?ve gotta keep on me toes.

Make sure the old Capri Ghia
is running smoothly

so I can whip Raquel
down to maternity unit a bit lively.

But the most important thing a father
can do for the woman,

is to show consideration and understanding,
patience and love.

Well, as luck would have it,
I happen to be like that anyway.

But it doesn?t do any harm to be reminded.

So where is Raquel?

Well, the lifts are broken again
and she?s not as lively on her feet as she used to be.

So, how many of those wigs
you sold this week, Rodney?

Roughly, none.

- Well, I sold two tonight.
- You're kidding!

I met this woman down the market.
Her and her husband they work up in the hospital.

Apparently, he's been wearing a syrup for years,
but last week their cat got hold of it.

So she bought one as a surprise for him?

and then I went off to the Nag's Head
and sold one to Trigger.

But he's got hair.

I know that, but he said he wanted one
for an emergency.

There you are, sweetheart. There you are.
Come on. Sit yourself down.

- No, I'll go and change out of these first.
- Alright, I'll get you a cup of tea.

- So how did the antenatal class go ?
- It's the last time I take him along.

At the end of the class the doctor
asked if there were any questions.

Del put his hand up and said,
"What time do the pubs close round here?"

That's typical Del.
The world's dying and he's worried about last orders.

- What's up, Rodney?
- He's been watching a green programme.

- They were cutting a few trees down in South America.
- So Sting here's got the hump, has he?

When are people gonna realise
that we don't own this planet, we're merely the leaseholders.

It's our duty to maintain our world.
But what are we doing?

We're suffocating the forests with carbon monoxide!

And that's causing the polar icecap to melt,
which means that the oceans will rise

and the Thames will flood, like permanently.

But we've got the Thames barrier.

That?s not gonna do a lot of good
under 15 feet of water, is it?

I mean, places like Deptford and Greenwich
will be submerged for ever!

- That?ll be handy for us though, innit?
- What do you mean?

Because, when we come to sell this flat
we can advertise it as having sea views!

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Alright, Rodney, what is it?
What's really bothering you?

I've got so many things
worrying me.

The polar cap is melting, the continental
shelves are shifting, the rainforest is dying,

the sea is being poisoned

and I ain't had a bit for months.

That is what's really about, innit?

You ought to think about that poor old git, there.

The last time he had his leg over,
Nelson Mandela was in a borstal!

Derek, please, for once in your life
could you try and take something seriously?

- What's wrong?
- Rodney ain't had a bit for months.

Cor blimey. The things you learn.

Do you realise if all my veins and arteries were
stretched out in a line they?d circle the world twice?

I'd like to try that one day.

- Where's Raquel?
- She had a bit of a twinge, so she's lying down.

- Alright?
- Better than that, Rodney.

I reckon we've had a right result with these syrups.
Guess who I bumped into today?

Telly Savalas?

No. I bumped into that mush Stephen,
the one that used to be Cassandra's boss at the bank.

- The one that you smacked on the nose.
- Oh him!

Yeah, him. Anyway, I bumped into him
down the market today and you'll never guess what.

He's got one of 'em ponytails in his hair
and I said to him,

?Oi, Elmet?, I said,

"What are you doing with that Davy Crockett hat on?"
just to break the ice.

Apparently they're all the fashion up in the City!
All the yuppies are wearing them.

But they look silly on men.

Today the sophisticated, intelligent young men
don't mind making prats of themselves.

?Cause it attracts the sophisticated,
intelligent young ladies.

- I can't see what the attraction is.
- That?s because you're a geezer, innit?

But if you were a career woman you'd get
the hots for those things.

And it don't need batteries.

Now we'll make a fortune on them, Rodders.

- Hello darling, you alright?
- Yeah, I'm OK now.

- What d'you think of Aaron?
- Sorry?

I've been reading the baby's name book.
Aaron Trotter.

No, kids at school'll nickname him G-string.
Aarona G-string. D'you get it?

Yes, unfortunately.

- You gone off the name Rodney?
- Yeah.

Thank God!

- Troy.
- Troy Trotter! I don't think so.

Why don't you just call him Damien, eh?

Damien?

- That's nice.
- No, I was joking, that?s all !

Damien Trotter.
That's got a sort of ring to it there!

No, I was just having a wind-up, that's all.
Why don't you call it Derek?

Yes. Damien Derek Trotter.

You can't call him that!
His initials'll be DDT.

Well, there'll be no flies on him, then,
will there?

No, Del, when I said Damien,
right, I was just having a la...

I?ll get it.

Trotters Independent Traders?

Oh it's you, Cassandra!
And what can I do for you?

And what exactly do you want to
see me about?

Well, I'll pop round and see you.
Next week, next month - who knows?

Thank you for calling. Bye bye.

Wasn't very friendly, was it?

Let people know where they stand,
that's my motto.

Cassandra seems to think,
all she has to do is whistle and I'll come running.

- The least you could do was ask how she was.
- I'll handle this my way, Derek, thank you...

Well, I think I'll pop round
and see how Cassandra is.

Yeah. That's it, bruv.
You've made her wait long enough.

- Why didn't you use your front door key?
- I don?t know. It didn't seem right, somehow.

Come in.

- Would you like a drink?
- Nothing alcoholic, thanks. I've cleaned my act up.

- Good.
- Coffee will be fine.

- So how are things with the parents-to-be?
- Oh, Nelson Mandela House is on on amber alert.

They're all just sitting there waiting
for the second coming of the Prince of Darkness.

I've said to Del you're
gonna have trouble getting that kid shoes.

cause Mothercare don't cater for cloven hooves.

That poor baby!

Poor baby nothing.

All the ancient prophecies are coming true.

The Satanic forces are gathering
in the skies above Peckham,

Raquel's looking more like Mia Farrow every day.
So, what you been up to then? Anything exciting?

- Not really. I saw Stephen today.
- Oh, yeah.

D'you remember Stephen?
He used to work at my branch.

- He's been moved up to head office.
- Cosmic.

- You remember you used to call him a wally?
- Yeah.

- I think you were right.
- Was I?

You'll never guess.
He's only got one of those silly little ponytails.

What a wally!

He looks like he's wearing
a Davy Crockett hat!

- I thought they was in the fashion, though.
- Yeah, amongst lame-brains!

- What's wrong?
- Nothing!

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

It was a nice Sunday, weren?t it?
Well, apart from the row we had in the maze.

Yeah. I was right, though, wasn't I?
My way out was quickest.

I don't think so. I had a look at the map
of the maze when I got home and I found...

Yeah, I suppose so.
So, is that what you wanted to see me about?

To discuss the quickest way out
of Hampton Court maze?

No. I wanted to discuss us
and what's happening to us.

Mummy and Daddy - well, Mummy really ?
insisted that I saw our solicitor for advice.

Getting that heavy, is it?

No, it's not getting heavy
it was just for advice, that's all.

And what did your solicitor advise?
Take the git for every penny he's got, I suppose?

Don't expect a cheque from me, Cass.

If you want half my estate
you can have it on a postal order.

He didn't say anything like that.
He advised us to talk.

Talk? That?s what causes the rows!

That's what I said. But he advised us to try
and find out why we argue every time we speak.

And what did you tell him?
It was my fault, I suppose?

No, I didn't.
I said we were both to blame.

He asked whether we'd
considered adding to our numbers

something to concentrate
both our attentions.

What, a baby?

No, a dog. I don't think a baby
would be a good career move.

Yeah, but I don't like dogs.

Well, I don't mind them, it's just that
when I was little I got bitten by a Jack Russell.

And a sausage dog,
and this half-poodle thing.

Dogs just sort of bite me - it's an instinct.
How about a cat?

No. I'm allergic.
I come out in a rash.

- How about a parrot?
- No, they take so much looking after.

- A gerbil?
- No. I can?t stand furry little things that run around.

Make me go all funny.

So we're looking for something
that don't take too much looking after,

isn?t gonna run around a lot
and don't bring you out in a rash?

How about a tin of salmon?

Don't get sarcastic, Roddy.

We could give it a name,
Rex or something.

Then we could take it to the vets
for its injections.

Put a bit of string round it and take it
for a walk every evening.

And it wouldn't take much training, would it?
We could just threaten it with a tin-opener.

See what I mean? We tried to talk
and you?ve just gone ridiculous again.

It?s just ?cause you put an obstacle
in front of every good idea!

I was perfectly happy with a dog,

just because you've been bitten
three or four times, you dismissed the idea.

Alright, let?s get a dog!
Let's get a Doberman.

Let the sod rip me limbs off and drink me blood!
I don't care as long as you?re happy.

At this moment in time
that would make me ecstatic, Roddy!

Right, fine...

- ?I'm going down the Nag's Head.?
- I'm going down the Nag's...

Cass, we really ought to try harder
to make this work.

If not for us then for our tin of salmon.

- I'll phone you.
- Alright.

- Down there by the chair. It's a mouse!
- A mouse? How'd a mouse get in here?

- How the hell should I know! Get rid of it!
- Alright, alright. Just stay cool.

- That?s not a mouse!
- What is it, then?

It's the...

It's a rat!

You'll frighten it!

- Get rid of it, Roddy, please!
- OK.

You sure you don't wanna keep it
as a pet?

- Get it out!
- Alright. Alright.

- Do you want a broom to hit it with?
- No, it's alright. I've got me hands.

Blimey, he's a strong one.

He's struggling!
Are you sure you don't want to keep it as a pet?

- Roddy!
- It's alright. I got it.

Out of the way!

I threw it out the landing window,
I think I killed it.

- Oh Roddy!
- It's alright, it?s alright.

I'm here.

Oh, no! Me wig's going bald!

This is gonna take
a bit of creative salesmanship, isn?t it?

I know what I?ll say.
I'll say it's the Bruce Willis look.

- During the war...
- Del, I think we better go.

Yeah, I think you?re right.
Goodnight, Albert. Goodnight.

- Not to bed! To the hospital. It's started.
- Are you sure?

Yes, I've been timing the contractions.
We'd better go.

The baby's on its way.
Do something, Del! Don't just sit there!

- Calm down! Calm down.
- What are we gonna do?

Phone someone! There's a bay on its way!

Listen to me! I want you to go into my bedroom
and you?ll find a leather-look flight bag.

It contains all of Raquel's hospital things.

You go and get it,
take it downstairs to my Capri Ghia.

- Alright?
- Alright, Del. I'll go and get it. What's it look like?

Well, it looks like a fridge!
It's a bag, innit, you old div! Now go on!

Aye, aye, Del. Leave it to me.

Alright sweetheart. Nice and calm.

Nice and calm, that's what they showed us
in the hospital. Albert, will you hurry up?

- Hello?
- Cassandra, it?s Del Boy.

What d'you want, Del? It's 11.30!

I'm sorry to wake you, sweetheart,
I'm trying to find Rodney.

Rodney? He was here earlier,
but he left about an hour ago. What's wrong?

- Raquel's is gonna give birth to our baby.
- Have the labour pains started?

You'll phone me as soon as the baby's born,
won't you?

Yes, of course I will, sweetheart.
It?s just that I wanted Rodney to be there.

Here you are sweetheart, take your coat.

Listen, I'll give you a bell as soon
as I get some news. Bonjour.

Give Raquel my love and
tell her I'll be in to see her soon.

Yes, I will.

And give Rodney a nudge
and tell him to get his arse down the hospital.

Alright, Del.

Del wants you with him!

That's ridiculous! I've never heard
of the uncle being at the birth before!

He doesn't want you in the delivery room!
Just at the hospital with him!

You don't know him like I do! He'll have me
holding her leg in the air or something.

I'll get your clothes.

- Oh Cass! I'm comfy here!
- Here's your trousers.

Oh God, it's a full moon!
Son of Del is being born on a full moon!

I knew it! I bloody knew it!

A couple of hours from now you
won't be able to sleep for the sound of howling.

Oh don't be so silly!
Now where are the keys to the van?

Where's me crucifix?
That's what I want to know.

Oh look, Roddy, it's that rat you killed earlier!

Doesn't it look like a clip
on ponytail when you get close up?

- Ah no, listen, I never said it was a rat!
- You liar!

I said it looked like a rat! And it did, didn't it?
I mean, you thought it was a mouse!

Where'd you get it from?

I was gonna wear it as a joke.
It must have fallen out of me pocket.

I could report you to the police.
You took advantage of me, twice!

I know, if the case goes to court,
would you say three times?

You're lucky you're on your way to hospital.
It'll save the ambulance a journey.

Now, come on, Cass, pack it in.
I've got a brother about to give birth!

Alright, sweetheart,
the nurse has gone to get the delivery team.

You've had your enema.
Everything's going according to plan.

You're gonna stay here, aren't you, Del?
Don't go running off and leaving me.

I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart.
I'm staying with you.

Are those the specialists, Rodney?

No, they've just come back from a fancy-dress party.
Of course they're the specialists.

Alright? Good.

Who is it? Friend or enema?

- Friend or enema?
- Shut up, Del.

Yeah, shut up, Del. It's alright, darling.
I?m going to see who it is. You stay there, alright?

- The specialists are on their way, Del.
- Thanks, Unc. You go and sit down, go on.

Here they come. That?s it.
Thank you.

Excuse me, excuse me, John.
We're having a baby in here.

- I know, that's why I'm here.
- What are you, a pervo or something?

- This is Mr McCullum. He's the midwife.
- He's a bloke.

I'm a trained midwife.
Now, please get out of my way.

- Just let him do his job, Del.
- No, he's a bloke.

I don't care if he's a trained chimp!
Get out of his way.

Alright, alright, but you just watch it though?

Calm down, calm down.
Remember your blood pressure.

- How are you feeling, Raquel?
- Not too bad at the moment.

- Have you timed the contractions?
- Three minutes.

- Is that good?
- Yes, that's good.

Cushty.

- Would you set the monitor up?
- Nurse, the gas and air.

- What's that thing for?
- It monitors the baby's heartbeat.

Lovely Jubbly.

- It's going to be a boy. I know it is.
- Can't be sure of anything, son.

No, it's a boy. Mars and something else
have come into conjunction

and decided that he would be born in Peckham.

They've got the baby's heartbeat.

Half an hour's time we'll have the
bestest knees up our family's ever known.

Is everything alright, Del?

Everything's absolutely fine. The baby's fine.
Raquel's fine.

In 48 hours' time we'll be going back to the flat
with another addition to the Trotter family.

Oi, Del. Have they said
anything about the sex?

- Oh give her time, Rodney.
- No, I mean...

How much longer is it gonna take?

It's alright, sweetheart, alright.
He'll take as long as he needs to take.

He wants to make sure that he gets everything just right,
?cause he's a perfectionist, like his dad.

I was talking about the midwife.

Oh I see. Oi, you, pal,
how much longer is this gonna take?

Nature will run its course, Mr Trotter.

When the baby's ready to put in an appearance,
he'll let us now.

Push Raquel! Push as hard as you can!

Go on, give it everything you got, girl.

Don't you ever come near me again, Trotter.

There's no need to be like that,
sweetheart.

- I suppose they're all like this, are they?
- No.

I'll get the gas and air.

Raquel, Raquel, I can see his head.
He's got a full head of hair.

Some bloody spiv.

I'll scrub up.

Come on, Raquel,
give it some welly, girl!

Shouldn't be too long now, Raquel.
The contractions are becoming more frequent.

I know... I'm the one having the contractions.
Would you let go of my leg, Del?

Alright, sorry sweetheart.
Would you like some gas and air?

No thank you.

It's good stuff, this.
Better not tell Rodney about it.

- Oh no, here's another one.
- Push hard, there's a good girl.

- Del, can I hold your hand?
- Yes, of course you can, sweetheart, go on.

- Push.
- Steady on, Raquel, steady on.

- Did that hurt, Del?
- Yes, it did a bit, sweetheart.

Now you know
what it's bloody well like!

This giving birth
ain't all it's cracked up to be, is it?

- Breathe easily, Raquel.
- Nice and deeply.

Breathe easily.
Breathe easily Raquel.

I can see its head.
Raquel, I can see his head!

- That's very good. The head's in position.
- I can see his head, Raquel!

Rodney, I can see his head!

Is it... you know, normal?

Normal? What do you mean, normal?
Of course it's normal. I mean it's just a head.

There aren't any sort of numbers on it?

Numbers? What are you talking about, Rodney?
What do you think this is, a bloody raffle?

That's it, Raquel.

There we are. The head's out.
Relax now. Just relax for a minute.

Raquel, it's his face. He's got a little eyes.
And he?s got a little nose. He's got little ears.

Come on Raquel. One more push.

- Well, that's it then. It's all over.
- Well, that's me off then.

Don't you want to see the baby?

No, I'm not fussed.
I can see it tomorrow, can't I?

Del won't like it if you go.
It's important to him that you stay here, Rodney.

It's a baby, Raquel.

Is it? I've been wondering
what that swelling was.

We've got ourselves
a lovely little baby.

- I know. I love you.
- I love you too, sweetheart.

We've done it!
We've only bloody done it!

- Congratulations, son.
- What is it Del?

- It's a little baby, Rodney.
- Is it a boy or a girl?

Oh, hang on.

Is it a boy or a girl?

It's a boy. I?ll tell you what, he won't be
frightened to get changed in the showers.

It's a boy.

Well, Mr Trotter, if he keeps you awake at night,
don't bring him back to us.

No thanks, sister. He can keep me awake
as long as he likes. Thanks, doc.

My pleasure, and sorry about this.

That's alright. Here, listen.
If you like I can get you a real good 'un.

They normally retail at 100 quid up West,
to you, nothing.

No, really. I don't think I'll bother any more.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks very much.

He's gorgeous. Look at that little face.

You want to look down there.
He's got no worries.

If you say so, Del.

I'll bet you wouldn't say no
to a cup of tea?

- Yeah, not half. Would you like one love?
- Yes please.

Get Raquel one an' all,
will you sweetheart?

I'll get Rodney and Albert.

Rodney, Albert, come on, come on.

Here, cover yourself up, sweetheart.
You might catch cold.

Here, give him to me, sweetheart.

Rodney, Albert,
let me introduce you to Damien.

- He's got your eyes, Del.
- Yeah.

You wanna see him down there!

Come on, you, come with me for a minute.

There you are, Mum. I know you can see us.
There he is, look, your first grandchild.

- And last.
- And the last.

Oh, you are such a lucky little boy,
you really are.

You've got a mummy and daddy who think
you're the most precious thing in the whole wide world.

You've got a lovely family around you.
You have, look.

You've got your Uncle Rodney to play with.

Great-Uncle Albert. He'll tell you about all the places
in the world he's been to. And sunk.

And there's me.

And you're gonna have all the things
your daddy couldn't afford.

?cause I've been a bit of a dreamer, you know.
Yeah, I have.

You know I wanted to do things, be someone,
but I never had what it took.

But you're different, you're gonna
live my dreams for me

and you?re gonna do all the things
I wanted to do

and you're gonna come
back and tell me about them.

Tell me if they're as good as I thought they?d be.

And you're gonna have such fun. You are!

And when you get the hump,
?cause you're bound to get the hump sometimes,

I'll muck about and make you laugh.

?cause I've mucked about all my life,
and I never knew the reason why until now.

This is what it's all about.
I was born for this moment.

Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun,
we are, you mark my words.

This time next year we'll be millionaires.

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