Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 7 - Miami Twice: The American Dream - full transcript
At Damien's christening, Del does a deal with the vicar to supply 'pre-blessed' Romanian altar wine, only it turns out to be white. In an effort to get Rodney back with Cassandra Del suggests a trip to Miami, Del already having bo...
# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
# Then, brother, I'm your man
# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
# It's like the changing
of the seasons and the tides of the sea
# But here's the one
what's driving me berserk
# Why do only fools and horses work? #
(VICAR)... for thou hast vouchsafed to call us
to the knowledge of thy grace and faith in thee.
Increase this knowledge,
and confirm this faith in us ever more.
Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant
that he may be born again
and be made an heir of everlasting salvation.
Through our Lord Jesus Christ,
who liveth and reigneth
with thee and the Holy Spirit
now and for ever, amen.
Godparents, please.
- Remember what to say?
- Yeah.
(BABY CRIES)
Be careful, Rodney.
You drop him and I'll drop you!
(RAQUEL) Del!
He dropped a whole Royal Doulton
dinner service once.
- Nearly ruined it!
- (RAQUEL) Shut up!
(CASSANDRA) Look at his little face!
Mmm.
(BABY YELLS)
Dearly beloved, ye have
brought this child to be baptised.
Ye have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ
would vouchsafe to receive him...
Going down the pub, Alan?
Yeah, we'll be there.
Going down the pub, are we?
Got to be polite to Raquel and Del.
Just to wet the baby's head.
Roughly translated, that means,
"I can't wait to get down the Nag's Head
and get legless with Del!"
Take your time, Pam.
We've got to christen the baby first!
Did you hear that?!
Yes. You're always on about me getting drunk.
When was the last time that happened?
- The last time you went there with Del!
- I didn't!
...and obediently keep his commandments.
Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works?
I renounce them all.
Dost thou renounce the vain pomp and glory
and the carnal desires of the flesh?
Yes.
- No!
- We do!
- "I renounce them all."
- Yeah, me, too.
It's lovely, innit?
Stunning (!)
Don't you feel anything?
Yes, I feel a great urgency to get
out of here and finish my packing!
You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow?
I've finished the packing!
Stop moaning or I'll get annoyed.
Do you remember Tyler's christening?
Yeah. Better church than this, weren't it?
Godparents, will you please name this child?
Yes. It's Damien Derek Trotter.
Damien Derek?
Yes.
Damien Derek!
Fine.
I baptise thee, Damien Derek,
in the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
We receive this child
in the congregation of Christ's flock
and do sign him with the sign of the cross.
(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)
What is wrong with you, Rodney?
Nothing!
- Mind the paintwork!
- Come on, Mickey! Get a move on!
I'm just setting the automatic timer!
He's no David Bailey.
David Bailey! More like Bathe-it-Daily!
Ready? Everybody smile!
- Smile, Trigger!
- I AM smiling!
Thank you, Reverend.
That was a cracking display.
It was a beautiful ceremony. Thank you.
My pleasure. Perhaps I'll see you again soon?
You mean the wedding? Don't hold
your breath on it -she's still married!
I'm waiting for my divorce to come through.
Yeah, almost pukka!
If you need me, I'll be here.
- God bless you both.
- Thank you, Reverend.
I'll be in to see you in a minute.
I've got something I want to talk to you about.
- Of course. I'll be inside.
- Good!
- What do you want to see him about?
- Just business.
How can you discuss business here?
This is a church!
Come on, Raquel. Even churches
have got to make profits.
- Have you read your Bible recently?
- Have you?
No, but I remember our RE teacher
reading it to us once,
and there is a chapter in the Bible
called the "Book of Profits",
so don't tell me that God doesn't
know a bit of bunce when he sees it!
No, it doesn't mean "profit".
A lovely christening, Raquel!
One of the nicest I've been to!
Thanks, Marlene!
I've bought you a little present.
It's a baby intercom
so you can hear Damien if he cries at night.
You can even talk to him
so he hear's Mummy's voice.
- You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?
- No problem.
I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow.
Listen, I'll leave you two girls
to have a chinwag. See you later.
Del, I'll shoot off and open up the pub.
About this do I'm putting on.
I'm a bit concerned, mate.
Don't be, Michael. I've got every faith in you!
I'm concerned about the money!
Could you at least give me a deposit?
How dare you, Michael,
talk business here, outside a church?
This is a church! Gawd blimey!
- (RAQUEL) You're off tomorrow?
- We're going to the States!
We fly to Washington,
down to Atlantic City for a week,
- then on to Florida!
- You're making me jealous!
It's not gonna be that good -
Boycie's going with me!
Poor little Rodney! Is he still living at your flat?
He stays with us Monday to Friday
and weekends with Cassandra.
- Only weekends?
- Yeah.
Well, I suppose it's more fun than fishing!
Rodney.
Hi, Alan.
So... how's the new job?
- What new job?
- Working for Del.
Oh, that. Fine. We've gone international.
Del's very big in eastern Europe.
Yeah, he said he's got contacts in Warsaw.
- No, Walsall.
- Walsall?
Yeah. But this bloke's cousin
is an exporter in Romania.
Romania?
Good.
How are you getting on with...?
- Oh!
- No, she's just going down the pub.
I said I'd see her there later.
You going down for one?
- Yeah, just for a quick one.
- Just a quick one (!)
No, it will be just a quick one.
I've had my orders! By the way,
- I've got something for you.
- What's that?
Remember when you worked for me,
you joined the pension scheme?
They've come up with your repayments.
I talked to the insurance company,
and if you like, you can keep the policy open.
It might be the basis of a nice little nest egg.
That's really nice of you.
I'll take you up on that offer!
I knew you'd say that.
Well, I'm not one of these
grab-the-money-and-run merchants.
My philosophy is look after the future now.
My sentiments exactly!
Let's see. P935 invested in a policy
attracting a gross annual...
- P935?! I'll take that now.
- What about the future?
What future? I work for Del.
I don't quite understand, Mr Trotter.
Let me try to explain.
What would you do if you had an extra ten
or twenty thousand pounds a year coming in?
Build a new youth club?
Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings?
I'm not used to decisions of that magnitude.
Well, I've come up with an idea that can
revolutionise your fund-raising mechanism.
- What do you put in there?
- Communion wine.
Before it goes in, it's not communion wine?
- Not until I bless it.
- Till you bless it, exactly!
How long does it take to bless it?
- Two or three minutes.
- Let's call it three minutes.
That's three minutes, three times
a day. Three threes are nine.
Nine minutes a day, seven days a week -
'cause I know you blokes work on Sundays!
That's about one hour a week, times 52.
That works out about two days a year
that you lose just blessing wine,
and that's not including the trip
to Oddbins to pick it up.
I reckon you lose about one week
every year just blessing wine.
- Possibly.
- No, positively!
Think of the clergymen all over the country
who are also losing one week every year!
Cor, dear! We must be losing
months and months of vicar hours!
Think of all the good works
you could do with them lost months.
I never thought of it like that.
I have and it's been bothering me!
Sit down, your reverence.
Sit down and let me explain.
I have worked out a way in which I can
give you back that precious quality, time.
- How?
- Are you ready for this?
"Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"!
- "Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"?
- Yes.
It's like the holy version of sliced bread.
Hang on a minute.
I've got this mate, he's a vintner up north.
He's shipping in
this new range of Romanian wine.
- Romanian wine?
- It's gonna be all the rage.
They drive it from Tilbury to here,
where you will bless it by the lorryload.
Then we'll ship it
to churches and cathedrals all over the country.
There'll be no stopping us.
This time next year,
we'll be exporting all over Europe!
And here is the brick on top of the chimney.
We get it at 1.39 a bottle,
we knock it out at P2.50!
The church'll be rejoicing and you and I will be
a nicker and a bit in front! Everyone wins.
"Rien a dire, rien a faire"
as they say in Lourdes!
I see how it could save time...
Yes, it can save time, and time is money!
Money that is much better spent
on roofs and orphans and organs!
That's very commendable of you,
Mr Trotter, but I'm slightly stunned.
Of course you are!
Now you know how the people felt when they
saw the burning bush or the first Pot Noodle!
This time next year,
Thora Hird will ask for YOUR autograph!
I know, it knocks you sideways, don't it?
It must be a sign or something!
I'll let you think about it.
Meantime, I'll send in the first lorryload
so you can have a practice.
Try and interest your colleagues, square it
with the bishops. You know it makes sense!
That's for the christening -
it was a belter! Bonjour for now!
- Del Boy!
- Sh! What do you want?
I heard there's some business going down.
Is there anything for me?
- I'm Managing Director of me own firm now.
- I'm impressed (!)
No, there's nothing in it for you.
I'm doing this for charity.
Well, if you hear of something, let us know.
- I've always done you a good turn.
- When have you done anything for me?
Well, I'll do you some good turns in the future!
- Remember, if you want any help...
- I'll bear it in mind.
Wait a minute...
Wait a minute!
- I was wondering...
- What?
- I don't think you can handle it.
- I can handle it, no sweat! What is it?
Well... it's a little bit out of your normal area.
As long as you're not frightened of a challenge?
There's nothing I like better! I'm your man!
All right, put it there! Come with me
and I'll tell you what I want you to do.
(MICKEY) My firm is in a phase of expansion.
I was computerised three months ago.
(DEL) I thought you had a bit of a limp!
(CHUGGING RATTLE)
(RATTLING STOPS)
Oooh! Gordon B...! What's the matter?
I'm so embarrassed!
I wish you could choose your parents!
Aw, no, it's not Alan again, is it?
It's always the same at family parties.
Two drinks, that's all it takes!
You ought to stay off the scotch!
I haven't been on the scotch.
I've been on the shandies!
Hello, Del. It's a smashing do!
- Come on, love.
- Kissie, kissie, Del!
- Del!
- Sorry!
- Take her home, Daddy!
- Then what?
- I've got some rope in my van!
- Don't, Del! Come on, Pam!
- Ooh!
- How will I live the embarrassment down?
Talk to Rodney. He's had years of experience!
Sorry. Talking of Rodney, he's gutted
about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
- What's happened between you two?
- It's private, Del.
I won't stick me nose in,
but if you want to talk, either of you, I'm here.
You know me, I'm straight down the line,
no old bull and no porkies.
- Thanks, Del.
- All right.
- Is Damien at the flat?
- Yeah.
- Who's baby-sitting?
- Mickey Pearce.
(ALBERT SINGS AND PLAYS PIANO)
Is that the holiday brochure?
Yes. These are the hotels we're staying at!
How many times must I tell her
to keep quiet about this holiday?!
Why's that, Boycie?
I don't want everyone to know
my house will be empty for three weeks!
I'm security-conscious these days.
That's why I haven't ordered a cab
for the airport. Del Boy's doing it.
I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
- They were all busy, were they?
- Right, so I had to ask Del!
Mind you, he's put on a good spread here today!
HE'S put on a good spread?!
This is all on the slate!
I've got so many of his slates under here,
I could retile me bloody roof!
Del will pay you. No worries.
Yeah, Del's had a big cheque arrive.
- What about that, Mouthy?
- 935 quid!
- See?
- I saw the cheque!
(MIKE) Yeah, I saw an advert
for the RAC, but I still broke down!
Gotcha! What did you leave this
in your jacket for? Someone could have taken it!
Somebody did!
This could have been nicked and cashed
before you could say Marriage Guidance Council.
Shut up about that!
I'm paying this into your account, all right?
How are things between you and Cassandra?
- Why?
- You don't seem to be talking to her.
- We ain't got much to say.
- What's the problem between you?
It's private, all right?
You used to confide in me.
Now you tell me nothing.
- I might be able to help you!
- It is private! I'll sort it out in me own way!
You'll sort nothing out
without talking about it!
- All right!
- All right. Go and enjoy yourself!
(DEL) Mike, give me a pina colada.
- Bloody women!
- Problems, Dave?
I don't want to talk about it.
Have you ever been
wrongly accused of something?
- Once.
- How did you get out of it?
I didn't. I was guilty.
You're going to the airport in style,
in my Capri Ghia.
- What time shall I pick you up?
- 11.00. The plane leaves at 1.30.
- I wouldn't go to America.
- What's wrong with it?
- It's violent, innit?
- You've been watching too much telly!
They're on the verge of a drugs war over there!
Who told you that?!
Well, I saw a programme on the telly.
See what I mean? Soppy as a sack!
I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy
to Rita Fairclough when old Len snuffed it!
He closed the pub for a week
when Daphne in "Neighbours" died!
When I say a programme on the telly...
You shouldn't laugh about things like that.
Eh?
The dead can't defend themselves.
No, you see, Trig, the thing was...
She had a three-month-old baby!
Rita Fairclough?
I'm talking about Daphne!
Yeah, I'm sorry, Trig. It was, it was tragic!
Well... I've made my point.
Yeah, sorry about that, Trig.
You've got to be very careful.
Trig gets very emotional.
He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
When I say a programme on the telly,
I don't mean "Hill Street Blues"
or "Magnum". This was "Panorama"!
- (BOTH) "Panorama"!
- Contract killers are on the loose over there.
How's that going to affect Boycie?
He's going with Thomas Cook!
No hit man is going
to have a pop at two British tourists!
If he does, he'd better do it in the evening.
One look at Marlene when she gets out of bed
would make anyone run a mile!
- She'd put the frights up Hannibal Lecter!
- I like that, Del!
How do you know what Marlene
looks like when she gets out of bed?
- Your milkman told me.
- Oh.
(DISTANT PASSING SIREN)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Lovely evening.
- Mmm.
You got time for a chat?
If it's anything to do
with uniforms, the answer's no.
Sh! It's nothing to do with uniforms!
I'm not dressing up
as a Victorian maid for anyone!
Look, I'd had a few drinks
and said something stupid.
That's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
Haven't you ever said something stupid?
Yeah, two years ago I said, "I do"!
- That's not fair, Cass.
- I didn't mean it.
Sorry.
- I won't mention uniforms again, I promise.
- All right, then.
Well, glad the christening went off all right.
I thought it was really moving.
He's such a lovely baby.
Lovely?
He's always biting me! He takes
great chunks of flesh out me arms!
You liar! He smiled when he saw you.
Yeah, 'cause he thought,
"Here comes elevenses!"
Oh, shut up. He's a beautiful little thing.
You ain't got to live in the same flat as...
Sorry. I wasn't trying to... Well, you know.
You don't live at Del's all the time.
We spend weekends together.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We spend weekends together.
Don't start. We discussed all our problems
with the Relate counsellor.
Remember what she said
after she stopped laughing?
She advised us to go slowly
and just spend weekends together at first.
- You must be joking!
- Well, the offer still holds.
It's up to you.
Now, could we change the subject?
Yes, sorry!
How are things at the bank?
Heard anything about your promotion?
Not yet, but I'm definitely on the shortlist.
I've been invited to the company's
seminar in Eastbourne.
A seminar in Eastbourne (!)
Sorry.
- It's important, this seminar?
- It's where the final interviews will be held.
- Well... here's to your future.
- OURS.
- Yeah.
- Don't look like that! Please?
This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
That's just it! Everybody's celebrating!
Boycie and Marlene are off to the States,
Del and Raquel have christened the chavie.
That could be us in a while.
What, a baby?
No, I meant we could go to America.
It's been an ambition of mine.
Once I get my promotion,
we could put some money aside
and have a holiday in California or Florida.
Yeah? When?
A couple of years.
Cosmic!
(TRIG) There are thousands of trees
in the world!
It is not just a bunch of trees!
It's the Brazilian rainforest,
the lungs of the world!
They are destroying it
at the rate of 25 acres a day!
- Where is that, exactly?
- Huh?
Where is the Brazilian rainforest?
It's outside Luton!
Where do you think?! It's in Brazil!
Albert, there you are! I've booked you
a front row seat at the launderama!
Away you go. Rodney, I want a word with you.
Give us a decaffeinated cappuccino
and a jam doughnut, Sid.
He's on about that bleedin' rainforest again.
That's the fourth lecture this week!
Well, he's worried about our world.
It wouldn't hurt you to care
a bit more - look at that!
It's fossil fuels. People don't
realise what damage they're doing.
I don't have none of them
in my house. I use gas and oil.
- Trig, they ARE fossil fuels.
- Are they?
Well, I'll switch to coal in future.
No! Coal is the same!
I had a coal burner fitted.
It's not as dear as you think.
Put it on Rodney's slate.
(RODNEY) I don't know
how many bloody trees there are, Trig!
Rodders, leave it out!
You'll never turn this lot "green"
as long as you've got a hole in your ozone!
I've got some exciting news
to tell you in private. Come here.
Private, please! Thank you.
I give up on you two!
It's so frustrating trying to explain
what is happening on this planet!
It gives me the hump an' all!
They are more concerned
with a postcard from Boycie and Marlene!
Gawd, dear! We had one
this morning! It's a lovely hotel.
Del!
So what's this exciting news?
Well, I went down the bank
to pay in your cheque.
I'd have gone earlier, but I've been having
trouble with me wine deal. Thanks, Sid.
- So you have paid it in?
- Of course I have!
You've got to look after that money.
Don't go sending it off to Sting!
Anyway, when I was down there,
I bumped into Cassandra and we went for lunch.
While I was having lunch, I had this great idea.
I know you like to travel...
I am not going to Romania!
- Your wine shipment's got problems.
- Who said that?!
Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest
that made you go pale and sweaty.
It's nothing I can't handle,
just a hiccup with the old translation.
Anyway, this idea was for you and Cassandra.
We was talking about Boycie
and Marlene's holiday.
Now, it worked out that Cassandra
would love to go to America.
On the way here, I called in
to see Alex the travel agent.
He has got a once-in-a-lifetime offer!
It's practically a giveaway!
Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackeroonies!
Well, that's a monkey before
you got a bed for the night, innit?
No! Here's the cherry on top
of the cake - two go for the price of one!
Think about it, Rodney - you and Cassandra
spending a week on Miami Beach!
Miami... Nah, I could never afford it.
'Course you can afford it! You've got
your Maxwell money, haven't ya?
- Me what?
- Maxwell, your pension money.
Miami...? Two for the price of one?
Rodney, just think about it -
she'll love it, I know that.
Imagine how she'll feel when you
announce your holiday of a lifetime!
She'll be all over you like a rash!
Is that a brilliant idea or just wonderful?
It's a cosmic idea!
- Would you give me the time off?
- Of course!
Ace! But what about Cassy?
The bank owe her three weeks' holiday -
she told me. You're off and running, bruv!
Yeah? I'd better go and phone her
and make sure it's all right.
No, don't phone her. Sit down there.
You take her out for dinner,
and when you get to the old coffee
and the Grand "Monier" stakes,
you throw the tickets
down on the table and you say,
"Darling, I am taking you to Miami."
You'll knock her bandy!
Yeah! I'd better get down
that travel agent's a bit sharpish!
No, no, don't go down there.
Save the shoe leather, Rodney,
'cause you see, I got them for you!
Derek, you are a diamond!
How did you know I wanted them?
Even a plonker like you
wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this!
I don't know what I'd do without you!
I'd never have thought...
How did you afford it? I thought you were skint.
I am. I cashed one of your cheques.
- You took money out of my account?
- Don't you dare thank me!
It was nothing.
I can forge your signature as easy as that!
(TV ON)
- All right?
- Lovely, son.
- Where is everyone?
- Little 'un's in his cot, Raquel's cooking,
Rodney's taken Cassandra to dinner.
He's gonna tell her about Miami.
- I'd love to be there and see her face!
- So would I!
'Ere, look. Oi! Oi!
(TV OFF)
Any calls for me?
- Calls?
- Has the telephone rung
- and a voice asked for me?
- Not that I'm aware of.
- Thank God for that!
- Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today.
I was walking past the church
where we held the christening,
and there was a big articulated lorry outside.
There was some sort of German writing
on the side, and the back doors were open.
Full of cases of wine, it was.
And that vicar,
the one what christened Damien,
he was making the sign of the cross
and saying a prayer to this lorry.
Funny old world, innit, eh? Listen to me.
Anyone phones or calls round
asking for me, I'm not in, all right?
Does "anyone" mean people
with Romanian accents?
Hello, sweetheart.
No, I didn't mean people
with Romanian accents.
I just thought I ought to maintain
a bit of a low profile for a while.
I think I'll take a look at Damien.
You dare! It's taken me
over an hour to get him to sleep!
All right. I'll make meself a Singapore Sling
to unwind, and take a hot bath.
(DOOR SLAMS)
- Rodney's back.
- (DEL) All right, Rodders?
- What does Cassandra say?
- I'm going to bed!
- Everything all right, bruv?
- Brilliant, Del! Bloody brilliant!
Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me!
- (DEL) Eh?
- Why not?
- Because she is busy that week!
- Doing what?
She has to attend the bank's
seminar in bloody Eastbourne!
She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy
interview so she can become an executive!
She should get her priorities right!
- Let's be fair about this.
- Let's be fair, Rodney.
These interviews are very important.
Five years of college
and evening school have led to this seminar.
You can't expect her
to risk her future for a week in the sun.
It's not that. It's just my luck -
any other week would have been fine
but, no, it had to be that week!
I know it's tough, but it's just the way it goes.
Well, for me it is, yeah.
- See you in the morning.
- Yeah, goodnight, bruv.
Dear, oh, dear, oh, Lord.
That's a bit of a body blow, innit? There you are.
Yeah, he was looking forward to that.
He should have phoned Cassandra first.
Yeah.
I told him to phone her. I said, "Phone her.
Make sure she can make that week!"
But he wouldn't listen. You know what he's like.
- It's a shame.
- Yeah!
Stupid bank! Stupid, stupid bank!
(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)
Go to sleep, Damien, otherwise Uncle Rodney
will get angry. You won't like me...
(ON INTERCOM)... when I'm angry!
Look, just pack it in, will ya?
You don't frighten me,
so just go to sleep, you little sod!
- What's he doing in there?
- Having a row with Damien.
How do you work this thing?
(DISTORTED VOICE ON INTERCOM)
Who are you talking to?
Jesus on a bike!
What's happened?
All right, bruv?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
- You look pale.
No...
I was just thinking, I won't sleep
with Damien no more...
...'cause I keep snoring
and waking him up, bless him.
I'll just kip on the sofa if that's all right.
- Anything you like, bruv.
- I'll just have a quick shower.
(DAMIEN CRIES)
Sorry.
- It's all right. I'm used to it.
- You going, are you? All right.
You was really looking forward
to going to Miami, weren't ya?
I had dreams of what it would be like.
You'll get your money back.
No, I won't. The tickets are non-refundable.
- Still going, aren't you?
- Of course I ain't!
Cassandra will think you're just a puppet who
can't do anything unless she pulls your strings!
- But I'll be all on me own.
- You're only going for a week!
What about him? He was on his own once
for three months on an uninhabited island!
It wasn't uninhabited when he arrived,
but that's another story.
You have to go. You've got to prove
to Cassandra that you're a man
and you're not frightened
to stand on your own two feet.
- You know, you're right!
- So you're going, son?
Possibly.
He won't go, will he?
Yeah, of course he'll go, Unc,
and do you know why?
Because I'm going with him!
There you are.
You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?
You're all warm and happy.
We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?
He can't go to Miami now.
It's a shame.
Shall I put your mobile on for you,
the one Daddy bought you? Yeah?
You've got a lovely daddy,
haven't you, buying you these presents?
(MOBILE DOESN'T PLAY TUNE)
Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney?
You wouldn't mind, would you?
He'd only be gone for a week.
(NO MUSIC FROM MOBILE)
I wonder where Daddy got that from?
It's a mystery, like so many things!
Can you persuade Raquel?
Can Fergie ski (?)
I only wanna go for a week in Miami. I'm not
taking a six-month exhibition up the jungle!
My Ada weren't too happy
when I told her I was going abroad.
You joined the navy and went
round the world seven bloody times!
No wonder the poor cow got the needle!
Night, night, baby. Mummy's just outside.
I'll switch your little box on
in case you need me.
(DEL ON INTERCOM) All I want to do
is go to Miami with Rodney!
He's got a ticket going begging!
Raquel has been to America,
ain't she? What about me?
I've been nowhere!
Benidorm and Bognor, that's me!
Nah, she'll be all right.
Raquel will be OK, you'll see.
Yeah, I'll work her.
Everything will be cushty!
I wouldn't be surprised
if she puts a block on ya.
Leave it out, Uncle. I'm the guv'nor
in this house, ain't I?
I shall just say, "Raquel,
I'm going to Miami with my brother,
"like it or lump it! Pick the bones
out of that, darling!"
- All right, sweetheart?
- Yeah, he's settled down.
Del's got something to tell you, love.
(RAQUEL) What's that?
That programme you want to watch
is about to start!
- Sit down.
- But your dinner's in the oven.
Don't worry, I like it all baked up.
Can I get you a drink?
- No, thanks.
- All right. Are you nice and comfy?
- Mmm.
- There you are, darling!
Cushty!
Come on, then. Come to your lover.
That's it.
It's a shame, innit?
Mmm.
Yes, it's a crying bloody shame.
- What is?
- Poor little Rodney.
You mean those tickets to Miami, son?
That's right. Cassandra can't go
with him so he won't be able to go.
- Couldn't Rodney go on his own?
- Definitely not!
- I went to America on my own.
- You've got a bit of savvy.
You couldn't have Rodney Trotter
AND Dan Quayle on the same continent!
No, he needs someone to look after him.
That's it, innit? But what can you do?
Mmm...
Poor little Rodney.
- I've got an idea!
- What's that, Unc?
Why don't he take someone with him?
That's a good idea! I'm surprised
you didn't think of that, Del!
Yeah, so am I. Of course, the trouble is...
- Who?
- Who?
What about Mickey Pearce?
Great idea. It's a brilliant idea.
But the tickets are made out
in the name of Trotter.
- They're not transferable.
- You mean he's got to go
- with someone named Trotter?
- Exactly! Exactly.
Oh, dear! Poor little Rodney!
- Why don't you go with him, Del?
- Me?!
Yeah! Your name's Trotter!
Yes, yes, great, but...
But what?
I couldn't leave you and Damien on your own!
I'd be here.
That's like asking McDonald's
to look after your cow, innit?!
It's only for a week! Damien and I
could just about manage to survive!
I couldn't do that. I'm not
that sort of bloke. I'd be worried sick.
All right, then. I don't want to make you ill!
On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish.
I couldn't imagine you being that, Del.
The thing is, this is the chance of a lifetime
for little Rodney, the poor little cock!
And as it was my idea, I feel partly to blame.
Go to Miami, Del!
- Really?
- Really. You'll love it!
Terrific!
Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.
I'm only doing it for...
(BOTH)... poor little Rodney!
Oh, darling... you know what, Raquel?
You've got a heart like a diamond.
You know what you remind me of?
You remind me so much of my mum!
Thanks.
I'll bring ya back a blinding present!
'Ere, Rodney. Del's got
some good news for you!
What's that, then?
I'm coming to Miami with ya!
You bloody ain't!
- Eh?
- I ain't going on holiday with you!
Excuse me. Excuse me a moment, would you?
Can I have a word with you
in the executive boardroom?
Wherever you want!
He's just mixed up. I'll soon straighten him out.
- You've got a bloody nerve!
- Sh! Damien!
What's the matter with you, Rodney?
Del, I'm not flying 4,000 miles
across the Atlantic Ocean
with you in my earhole all day and night!
I want a break from all that!
I've been on holiday with you before!
That's charming, isn't it?
Absolutely charming!
After all that I have done for you!
What thanks do I get?
No bloody thanks, that's the thanks I get!
(DAMIEN CRIES)
Now look what you've done!
Sh! Damien, sh! It's all right! Daddy's here.
RAQUEL!
When we went on holiday,
we had a bloody good time!
YOU had a good time.
Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards
was praying their spleen would burst!
You got drunk, shouted at women,
got us into fights...
We were on holiday!
Well, this time, I want a more relaxing holiday.
Relaxing? I see.
So what you're trying to say
is I'm not relaxing company.
(DAMIEN CRIES)
Raquel! The baby's crying!
Rodney, that's all different now.
That was in the past.
I'm a changed man, see?
I'm a married man with a baby!
I've got a baby,
and that's the reason why I've changed -
because I have got a son whom I cherish.
(RAQUEL SHOUTS) Darling, I'm coming!
And there's the mother of my son
whom cherishes me!
(RAQUEL) Don't break your back,
Trotter, I'll deal with him (!)
Thank you, sweetheart! Thank you.
Come on, Rodney, you're judging me
by a few misguided incidents, that's all!
I've told you, I'm changed now!
Come on! You want to go to Miami, don't ya?
Of course I want to go,
but this time I want it to be... sensible.
Sensible?
'Course you do! I'm sensible!
Sensible's my middle name!
- (RAQUEL) Will you get me a nappy?
- Of course, sweetheart!
See? See that?
Look, Rodney...
I mean, look, all I want to do
is just sit on a beach and relax.
Same here.
Well, they've got
some blinding beaches in Miami!
- Mmm...
- Yeah...
And they've got
some fantastic art museums in Miami.
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't mind some of that.
And you can have it, Cinders!
All you've got to do is say the magic words!
How are you going to swing it with Raquel?
I've already done it. I told...
(HUSHED) I told her. I told her straight.
I said, "I wanna go to Miami with Rodney.
You can like it or lump it.
"Pick the bones out of that, darling!"
- (RAQUEL) Derek!
- Coming, sweetheart!
Come on! You and me, eh?
What do you say? Yeah? Yeah?
- Eh?
- Well...
Come on! Say the magic words, Rodney!
- Yeah, all right, then.
- Yes!
Good boy! That's it, you see?
You know it makes sense!
Where's that nappy?
We're older now, ain't we?
We can appreciate the finer things in life.
What? Not half!
- Do you want this?
- Yeah.
Thanks!
This time, let's be more,
what's the word? Sophisticated.
That's a great word.
I've got another word - debonair.
Yeah, yeah. That's a good word!
We're beginning to think alike, bruv!
- (RAQUEL YELLS) Derek!
- Coming! I'm on me way!
Look!
(DEL LAUGHS)
Good job I kept them, wasn't it?
- Have you seen it, Rodders?
- Seen what?
You know - our plane!
It's only a jumbo jet!
Well, they usually are. This is transatlantic.
Yeah. Transatlantic!
(TANNOY) Would all passengers
seated in rows 19 through to 40
- please come forward to board?
- Come on, Rodders, that's us!
- There's no hurry!
- Yes, there is! Come on!
The sooner we're on the plane,
the sooner old Biggles can take off!
Excuse me! What's your game, pal?
Come on, there's no rush!
Blimey, anybody would think
he owned the plane!
(MUSIC: "EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE
THE WORLD" BY TEARS FOR FEARS)
(TEARS FOR FEARS ON DEL'S STEREO)
Hey, hey! We've done it, Rodders!
- Done what?
- Eh?
- Done what?
- Joined the glitterati!
The glitterati?
Eh?
Take the headphones off!
Eh?
- Sorry. What?
- What do you mean, joined the glitterati?
Well, we have, ain't we?
We're transatlantic people now.
No more of that Costa Del Sewage for us, bruv.
- We're in the big time now!
- I suppose so.
Del, when we land in Miami,
before we go to any of the bars,
we gotta sort ourselves out
some transport and accommodation.
It's all taken care of. Alex, the travel agent,
faxed one of his people in the States.
So we're all fixed up! Ace!
I'll pay Alex when I get back.
I'll do it on me credit card.
- I've already done it.
- Good.
- What, on my credit card?
- Yeah.
That's what you were gonna do, wasn't it?
Yeah.
I've saved you the bother, bruvver!
This is your holiday
and I don't want nothing to mar it.
Thanks.
We're gonna live it up a little, ain't we?
Yes, but there are two kinds
of living it up, Del -
enjoying the freedom from the stresses of work,
filling the mind with new sights
and sounds, experiencing local cuisine,
even indulging in the gifts
of nature such as the sea and the sun.
- And then there's your kind!
- What exactly do you...?
There will be no women on this trip!
Can you be more pacific?
This holiday is not going
to be another Benidorm Revisited.
If I see just one bra hanging off
our car aerial, I'm out of there!
I'm not going to do anything like that!
I would never have even thought of it!
I don't know what goes on
in that mind of yours, you dirty little devil!
I'm gonna have a little nap.
Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive.
How does this go back?
(SMASHING GLASS)
(WOMAN) Look what you've done!
(DEL) Sorry about that!
(DEL) That will clean off. Ask for a cloth.
(WOMAN) It's dry clean only!
(DEL) That's just on the label to impress ya!
Give me a serviette and I'll do it!
# Hot town, summer in the city
# Back of my neck getting dirty, gritty
# Been down, isn't it a pity
# Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around me, people looking half dead
# Walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
# But at night it's a different world
# Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
The days can't be more like the nights
# In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city
# Cool town, evening in the city
Dressed so fine and looking so pretty
# I'm a cool cat looking for a kitty
# Gonna look in every corner of the city
# Till I'm wheezing at the bus stop
# Running up the stairs,
I'm gonna meet you on the roof top
# But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
# The days can't be more like the nights
In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city... #
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Hello, anybody here?
- (MAN) Hello! I'm in here!
Hi, how ya doing?
Our travel agent reckons
he's booked a car for us with you.
- OK. You guys on vacation?
- Yeah, a week's holiday.
No kidding? You come all the way
from Australia for a week?
No, we're not from Australia.
No, we are English.
You could have fooled me!
I won't hold you up.
I'll bring it round the front for you.
OK.
Hey, look at this!
- We'll have some of that, eh?
- Yeah, a nice little boat trip!
- Do us the world of good!
- Yeah!
Wotcha, America! This is going
to be a holiday to remember, innit?
You said it, bruv!
(RUMBLING ENGINE)
Here we go, Rodders!
- What the hell is this thing?!
- Have a nice day!
- And you!
- Thank you.
- What are we going to do with that?
- That is where we're going to live.
Alex recommended it.
The advantage is,
we don't have to stay in one spot.
We can move about a bit and it's cheap.
Del, there is no way I am going to spend
any time in this mobile ghetto with you!
You're not going to spend any time...
I was only trying to save you money,
and we won't be trapped, will we?
When we get to a campsite,
we can dump this and go walkies.
We could have booked a hotel! Oh, bloody hell!
I don't believe that I've got...
All right, on one condition!
What is the condition?
No curries!
All right, no curries.
Come on, then!
Let's go and see America! Hey, hey!
(LAUGHS)
Here we go, Rodders!
# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas
# Is the one I'm gonna see
# The Yellow Rose of Texas
is the only girl for me! #
- DEL!
- (MAN) You jerk!
You're on the wrong side of the road!
- They drive on the right-hand side over here!
- Oh, yeah!
# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas
is the one I'm gonna see!
# The Yellow Rose of Texas
is the only girl for me! #
Yeah, what is it?
All right.
Hey, Tony, Lurch, Gino, smarten up!
The Don's left the courthouse.
- Rico.
- Yeah, Pop?
Who are those goons in the car?
- Police surveillance, nothing to worry about.
- Nothing to worry about?!
I got cops outside my front gate!
What happened to my civil rights?
They kinda diminished
after they arrested you, Pop.
But you've been released on bail, so be happy.
Be happy (!) Be happy, huh?
One week from now, I got a jury
sitting in judgement on me!
I might spend the rest of my life in San
Quentin, and my son wants to throw a party!
What are ya, huh? What are ya?
I want to speak to my lawyer now!
Salvatore!
Salvatore...
Don Occhetti.
Salvatore...
- Haven't I always been good to you?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
- Haven't I done favours for your family?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
- Have I ever done you harm?
- There was that time when...
No, Don Occhetti.
So maybe this time, Salvatore can help me,
because I'm a little confused.
This is the way I read the situation.
- You're my lawyer, correct?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
Yet here I am looking at three
to four life sentences in the slammer,
so why the hell don't you get
off your ass and bury this rap?
- We have problems proving your innocence.
- Why?
'Cause you're guilty. When I say
"guilty", what I mean is...
- Guilty of what?!
- Kidnapping, drug-smuggling,
accessory to three counts of murder.
Just gossip!
Hmm... Maybe I made
a few mistakes in the past, you know?
Nobody's perfect!
You listen to me. When my father -
God bless that man's spirit -
when he arrived on these shores
from Sicily in 1930,
this was a land of democracy and law and order.
Now, he fought to change all that,
but look at us now, huh?
What have all his efforts amounted to, huh?
Zilch, that's what. Zilcho!
Salvatore, you call yourself
a lawyer? You're a schmuck!
And that goes for you, too, Rico!
If your mother was alive -
God bless her soul - she would disown you!
Come on, Pop!
I tell you this, Rico, I never thought I'd see
the day when a son of mine would stand back
and watch his own father
spend the rest of his life in the state pen
sharing meat loaf with the faggots!
If I go down, all the families will carve up our
empire like dogs fighting over a weenie-roast.
Every Marielito-punk from Little Havana
will want a slice!
And what about the Colombian?
- What Colombian?
- "What Colombian?" he says!
- What, are you a jerk, Salvatore?
- Just sit down, will ya?
Next week, Senor Vasquez arrives here
from Colombia to settle our little deal.
What do you think he's gonna do
if he thinks I've gone down the tube?
I'm getting very worried, Salvatore.
I'm getting very nervous about the future.
(BURPS)
Do you hear that? That's peptic gas.
That's caused by nervous exhaustion!
What happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions
of bribery, blackmail and intimidation?
This isn't the police.
This is the FBI. We can't pay those guys off.
The jury is locked in a guarded hotel,
the witnesses got 24-hour protection.
We can't reach anybody!
- Maybe I should do something, huh?
- You can't, Pop!
The police surveillance team is watching you.
They even got a TV camera crew
filming you for a documentary.
They're filming me?
Am I a common criminal or something?
Rico, take some money
from the family account and buy me the DA.
You buy me the judge, you buy me
the senator. People owe me favours.
- I want these favours returned!
- We've tried and had no takers.
It looks like people
are turning their backs on you.
That is a very impolite
and highly dangerous thing to do!
This is what I want you to do.
I want you to keep searching
and to keep thinking,
because somewhere, somewhere out there
lies the answer to my problems!
Look at the state of that!
You wouldn't go near that
unless you had all your own teeth!
They say that smoking's BAD for your chest (!)
(TANNOY) Miami
has been nicknamed "Cocainesville",
and the officers of Biscayne Bay
fight a year-round battle with drug runners.
On your left is the home of Barry Gibb,
lead singer of the Bee Gees.
- Rodders, look! There's a real live Bee Gee!
- 'Course it ain't!
- He's probably the gardener!
- It's him! It's Barry Gibb!
(DEL SHOUTS) All right, Bazza?
- Shut up! That's not him!
- It is!
(SHOUTS) How deep is your love,
is your love? How deep is your love?
I need all this (!)
I reckon you was right, Rodders. It weren't him.
- Most probably the gardener.
- Yeah? What did I say?
(DISCO MUSIC)
Come on, Rodney, bellies in!
I still think it would be better to drive
to the camper site now and book in first.
It's only quarter to eight. There's plenty of time
to get to the old campsite!
There's also plenty of time
for you to get drunk after we've booked in!
Get drunk? You enjoy
putting me down, don't you?
You think I'm just a one-dimensional
person. Well, you're wrong!
The only reason I want to go
into that club is to phone Raquel,
because I promised her
I would as soon as we arrived.
What's wrong with the public
call box over there?
You can't get a drink in there!
- Come on!
- What shall we do with our luggage?
Let's bring it with us and put it
in the middle of the dance floor
and boogie round it
like them sorts at the Nag's Head
when they have a disco with their handbags!
No need to be sarky!
What are you talking about, disco and boogie?
Del, I am not boogie-ing!
Keep your voice down!
We are ambassadors for our country!
We don't want people thinking
we're lager louts! Excuse me. Mais oui!
(DISCO MUSIC)
Hey, Juan! Over here, Juan!
When you're ready, son.
Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry,
but this club is for members only.
You what?
Sorry, signore, I did not realise it was you!
Please accept my deepest
and sincerest apologies!
I am honoured that you should choose
to visit my humble nightclub.
Please may I offer you a drink?
Yeah, we'll have a Cuba Libre
- and something non-alcoholic.
- Of course.
- We'll be sitting over there.
- I will be with you immediately.
(RICO) There's gonna be a war!
(SALVATORE) Maybe not.
The only thing that can prevent it
is if you find an alibi for my father.
I have to find your father nine alibis!
How the hell am I supposed
to do that in a week?
How can the Justice Department
do this? Don't they know who he is?
- Yeah, that's the problem!
- When the jury foreman says "Guilty",
the war begins.
Maybe not.
Do you think the rest of the families are gonna
pretend the old man is still in power?
- They're gonna go to war! Am I right?
- You're right.
- Tony?
- Right.
- Am I right?
- Maybe not.
You see?
There's gonna be a war!
- Signore Ricardo...
- Can't you see I'm in a meeting?
I would like to explain.
If I had know HE was coming tonight,
I would have arranged a private room.
If you'd known who was coming here?
Your father.
- My father.
- (PAULY) Is this some kind of joke?
Don Occhetti can't even get
to the john without the police tailing him.
But he is here! See for yourself!
Lovely jubbly! How much do we owe you?
Please! It's on the house. You are my guests!
- Would you like to eat?
- No, thanks. We had something earlier.
If there's anything that you should require,
as always, I am at your service!
Big mouth!
The grub would most probably be free an' all!
'Course it wouldn't!
Do you know what we're dealing with here?
- What?
- American hospitality! They're famous for it!
The most friendliest people in the entire world!
Come on! Come on! Yo, Gino, it's Tony.
Is the Don there? He's in the pool.
Can you actually see him?
Good! Dad's at home.
The guy over there ain't him!
Listen carefully. Tell my father
to stay in his room till I get back tonight.
Just... tell him I may have a surprise for him.
Tell you what...
- I'm boilin'!
- That's strange, that.
Here you are in a tropical climate,
wearing a worsted polyester blue serge suit,
- and you feel hot?
- Yeah.
Weird!
Hi!
How you guys doing?
All right. Yeah - great time.
Smashing, thank you.
Good. Let me guess. You're not local people.
(RODNEY) No.
(LAUGHTER)
(INDISTINCT)
Come on, one more. One more.
No, really. We're pushing our luck as it is.
No, he's right, Rico.
- Come on!
- You've got time for one more.
- Go on, then, one for the road.
- No, Del. Come on, mate.
The campsite will be shut
and we'll be locked out.
I didn't realise it was so late.
We've got to be going.
Well, Rodney... Del Boy!
Rico!
Thanks very much! It's been
really great meeting you guys!
Thanks a lot, and we enjoyed
your company and everything.
We've got to go.
See you later, yeah? Thanks a lot.
What a blinding night, eh, Rodders?
They were a nice bunch of blokes.
Well, they were absolute 42-carat diamonds.
We was drinking with them all night,
never had to put our hands
in our pockets, did we?
What's the matter? What's happened?
- What's the matter?
- It's all gone!
They've nicked it - our suitcases,
flight bags, duty frees - the lot!
I don't believe it!
I do not believe it!
I mean, we was only in there half an hour!
Well, four hours.
What's gonna happen?
How we gonna get home?
- Now, Del, don't panic!
- Eh?
Listen, I took the passports
and flight tickets in there with us.
Rodney, you are a saint, mate! You are a saint!
Well done! Where's the money?
- I left that in the van.
- You plonker, Rodney!
You told me to! And you told me
to leave the luggage in the back!
Why didn't you use your initiative?
I didn't even want to go in to that bloody club!
All right! Calm down!
Cor, stone me! I don't know...
How much money we got between us?
- What's that?
- 32 dollars, right?
What can we get for 32 dollars?
Mugged!
Hey! You two guys still here? Let me guess -
you decided to come back and have
that one for the road with us!
No, I wish we had, Rico.
No, we're thinking of going to the police.
- Why? You got a problem?
- Yeah, we've been robbed.
- You're kidding!
- No, I wish we was!
They broke into the van and took everything!
Oh, gee, that is too bad!
God, I feel so embarrassed!
You just arrive in this country and this happens?
What a welcome!
- It's just one of them things.
- What are you guys gonna do?
I don't know. We got no money,
no clothes, no duty frees, we got nothing!
We'll have to get the police to sort it out.
The cops'll do diddly squat!
They don't know their ass from first base!
But... Salvatore here's a lawyer.
Maybe he could talk to some
of his friends at the DA's office?
Yeah, first thing in the morning.
Could you do that?
That would be very nice of you.
- Wouldn't it, Rodders?
- Yeah!
In the meantime,
you two guys are coming home with me.
- Is this your place, Rico?
- It belongs to my family.
(DEL) Very nice!
(OPERA MUSIC)
What sort of business are you in, Rico?
(RICO) We're in insurance and imports.
(DEL) Imports and exports?
(RICO) No, just imports.
Well, this is it!
- Welcome!
- Thank you!
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
- Yo!
- Rico, I want you up here fast!
I'll be right up.
I'll show you to your guest suite.
Guest SUITE!
We've fallen on our feet here, bruv!
You see 'em?
And I heard 'em!
Why are you bringing Australians home?
They're two English guys over here
on vacation. They're in the guest suite.
Why are you bringing limeys
into my house?! I hate limeys!
We met 'em at the club.
Wait a minute... What are you doing,
picking up guys in bars?
Are you getting light on your feet?
Is there too much air in your Nikes?
These two bozos
could be the answer to your prayers.
One of them is a dead ringer for you.
Even Francisco thought he was serving you.
Look, I saw them on the security monitor.
I saw no similarity whatsoever.
He's much taller than me.
He's a thinner guy altogether.
No, the other one.
The squirty little dude with the polecat face?
Yeah.
I see, Salvatore.
Salvatore... this is your lucky day,
'cause I'm in a good mood!
I'm only gonna break ONE of your legs!
And 'cause you're a member of the family...
I'm gonna do it slowly!
Pop, it was dark outside.
You couldn't see him clearly!
- Tell him, Sal!
- It's true. He looks just like you.
Last year I went to the zoo and I saw a camel.
It looked just like your mother, but I didn't
invite it home and put it in the guest suite!
So there's a guy who looks like me!
What's the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is.
Imagine this guy dressed up in your clothes.
In MY clothes? Are you out of your mind?!
We dress the limey up in your clothes
and take him out to eat in a nice restaurant.
Now, while he's having lunch in full public view,
- somebody blows him away!
- This is something I do not advise!
Everybody will think
the other families have had you killed.
Don't you see what this means?
What?
Tell him, Sal.
In the eyes of America,
there will be no more Don Occhetti.
No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial.
No more trial equals no more prison sentence.
You sneak off to Rio for a few years,
long enough for your plastic surgery to heal,
and come back as Uncle...?
- Carlo.
...Carlo from New Jersey,
and take over the family business!
Rico...
...sometimes during my life I have
doubted that you were my child.
Sometimes I thought
that the hospital had screwed up
and given us the baby
of a family from Pittsburgh.
But I take it all back -
you are definitely my son!
It's brilliant! It's wonderful!
It also means one less limey in the world!
Two. His brother gets a one-way ticket also.
Have you had a butchers at the bog?
It's solid marble!
None of that stick-on gear
from the old DIY! This is the real McCoy!
Someone up there loves us!
Sh! I'm up to channel 49!
- How many channels are there?
- That's what I'm researching.
Good boy. I always said
you should be a scientist! Look at this!
It can't be bad, can it? Look at this!
Don't let the limeys call home.
No one must know about this address.
Lurch is cutting all the phones
except our business line.
As far as everyone
in jolly old England is concerned,
they've vanished off the face of the earth.
They can blame it on the Bermuda Triangle!
- Or the Twilight Zone!
- The Twilight Zone!
We have struck gold here, bruv.
We'll have to show Rico our gratitude -
get him a present or something.
Yeah, we'll do that. Hey, we've got no money!
Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid!
Blimey! We'd better phone in to HQ!
Raquel will be going spare!
Oh, the line's dead!
Well, do that.
Why?
That's what they do in American films!
Oh, yes!
No, it's still dead.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
There you go, Derek.
These are my... uncle's clothes.
He's about the same size as you.
Yes, well, thanks! Very nice!
Rico, I don't want to be a pain,
but Rodney's got nothing to wear.
No problem. A guy who works here
is Rodney's build.
He'll lend you some clothes.
(RICO) Lurch!
- Lurch? Saucy bark!
- Don't be so ungrateful!
Tell Gino to bring up some of his clothes.
Piece of cake, Rod!
By the way, the old dog's knackered.
- What?
- The phone's not working.
Oh, the telephone. A couple of days ago,
we had a tropical storm.
The whole area's out.
Don't worry, it will be back soon.
Get some sleep, because tomorrow
we go to my favourite restaurant.
- A day on the town!
- Lovely jubbly!
It's a nice little Italian joint.
The food is out of this world.
Believe me, Del, this place will kill you!
By the way, wear this suit and the chains.
It will make you look real business-like.
Ooh! Yes!
Of course, this is very me, this, Rico.
Of course, back home in England,
I'm a yuppy, ain't I, Rodney?
Yeah.
That's cool. Well, nighty-night.
(DEL) Nighty-night.
(ROD) Night.
He is such a nice bloke! They broke
the mould when they made him!
Yeah...
Look, Del, don't think
I'm getting paranoid or nothing,
but did you notice them really
tough couple of blokes by the gate?
Yeah.
- There was one downstairs an' all.
- Yeah. So what?
Well, it's most probably ridiculous...
You don't think that Rico might be...?
What?
- A noofter.
- A noofter? Him?! No!
He's Italian, ain't he?
You can't have an Italian noofter.
It's a well-known medical fact!
But they're all blokes!
That's because he's a man's man, ain't he?
I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney.
He's a little gold nugget!
Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney!
A little gold nugget!
In the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
- bless you...
- Reverend?
Amen.
Raquel, I'm glad I met you. I was going
to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone.
- Del? Del's in Miami.
- Miami? Oh, dear.
Excuse me for asking, but why
are you blessing a Romanian lorry?
I'm blessing the contents. Didn't Derek tell you?
No... Has this got something to do with Derek?
Yes, he did a time and motion study
of the blessing of the wine
and had the idea of doing it en masse.
Then I distribute it
to churches throughout England.
Oh, hell!
- Sorry!
- It's been a real money saver,
especially as Del sells it to us so cheap.
There's just one major problem.
It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling.
Romanian Riesling?
Yes. White wine. The communion wine is red.
- It represents...
...the blood of Christ.
Exactly! Churches are returning their cases daily!
You may be getting a call
from the Archbishop of Canterbury's office.
- Oh, God!
- That's what I keep saying!
We got some action. Give me that camera.
- Is it Occhetti?
- No, his son and one of the gorillas.
Wait a minute...
What do you reckon, then, Rico?
It fits like a dream, don't it?
Perfect, Del, just perfect.
There's a bloke over there with a camera.
Oh, yeah! All right, pal?
Who's that, then, Rico?
Who knows? Tourists, maybe.
I'm starved. Let's eat!
Yeah, and me. Lovely jubbly!
(MOUTHS)
- 29-30.
- (RADIO) 29-30 Q-S-K.
Occhetti and the boys have stopped
for lunch at Carlotti's restaurant.
(RADIO) One-three-two-five. Miami Q-S-L.
Don Occhetti.
- Doner-ketti to you, too!
- Doner-ketti!
I am so happy you have honoured me
with your presence here today.
On behalf of my family and myself,
I thank you deeply!
That's all right. Puskas, puskas!
I will prepare for you a table.
Would you like a drink at the bar?
Yes, thank you very much, signor.
I've got a diabolical thirst!
Excuse me.
Is everything to your satisfaction, signore?
Lovely! Blinding dumplings!
Signore?
Yeah, it's a lovely-looking cork, innit?
You're supposed to test the bouquet.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, yes! Lovely jubbly!
- Pour on, Macduff!
- Grazie, signore.
- Excuse me, Del, I gotta go to the john.
- Oh, right.
Do one for me, son, will ya?
I've got to go check the plumbing as well.
I've gotta go, too.
And me.
Hope it ain't catching!
Must have been them enchilados
they had last night!
- Cheers, bruv!
- Cheers, Del.
Any time now.
- How ya doing?
- Fine, thank you. Fine.
- We're just talking.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you're not interrupting.
Well, hurry up! Just do it!
Don't pick it up with your spoon! Use a fork!
Don't be stupid, Rodney!
It would roll off a fork, wouldn't it?
As I was saying, I've always had this gift.
Wherever I go in the world,
people always take to me!
You ain't been nowhere!
Fair enough, I ain't been nowhere,
but wherever I have been,
people have taken to me.
I mean, take this holiday.
All right, the first night we arrived,
we was ripped off, we lost everything,
but then I bumped into young Rico
and he took to me.
I don't know what it is.
People always like me and I don't know why!
It's got me bewildered an' all (!)
Rodney!
(THUD!)
I was saving this dumpling till last an' all!
Blimey! I don't know!
What's the matter?
It hardly touched the ground!
Anyway, the floor was clean!
Honestly! You and your hygiene!
- Del Boy...
- What?
Somebody just shot you.
Shot me? Don't worry, Rodders,
I'm feeling much better now.
- Del, look!
- What's wrong with you?
(GLASS SMASHES, WOMAN SCREAMS)
Bingo!
Gee, I hope that wasn't my dessert!
How can you joke at a time like this?
His father's just been shot!
Shut up, Lurch.
Oh, my God! Somebody call
an ambulance! Is he dead?
No, but it was bloody close, Rico!
A bullet come out of nowhere!
If he knew how to use a knife
and fork, he'd be a goner!
That's true. Absolutely! I was just
sitting there, eating me dumplings,
and then a bullet hits the back of me chair!
- You don't need it, son!
- No...
...you certainly do not!
(PHONE RINGS)
- Shall I get it?
- Please.
If it's anyone from the Church of England,
tell them I'm out.
Trotters Independent Traders, plc.
Yeah, it's me! Where are ya?
- Is it Del?
- No. Cassandra.
I'm at my hotel in Eastbourne.
- Have you heard from them yet?
- No, not yet, love.
I'm so worried! We don't
even know where they're staying.
Yes, we do. Raquel phoned the travel agent.
They hired a camper.
A camper? They could be anywhere!
- No, they found the camper.
- Thank God! Where?
It was abandoned in a car park.
Everything was gone -
luggage, passports, money, everything.
- Oh, God!
- Give me the phone!
You'll worry her to death,
you morbid old goat! Hello, it's me.
- Do you think Rodney's been hurt?
- Of course not! Del's with him.
You don't think he's been arrested,
do you? Oh, no! Del's with him!
There's bound to be a reason
for Rodney not calling.
- Like what?
- Well...
...Del's with him!
Here you are, chaps!
- Well done! Is this mine?
- Yeah.
The bloke who owns the bar
says he offers his deepest respect
and his loyalty is beyond question.
- That's very nice! Have I met him?
- No.
People keep offering me
their deepest respect and kissing me hand!
They're nice people, Del -
hospitable, salt of the earth.
They certainly seem that way, Rico.
Derek, you ever had a go on one of those?
- Have I had a go on one of those?
- 'Course you ain't!
Would you like to try?
It's no sweat. I know the owner.
What, me have a go on one
of those things? No, way, Pedro!
Come on, Del.
There's a first time for everything!
"No way, Pedro"?
You won't catch me on one of them things!
And I was always led to believe
that you Brits were a seafaring race (!)
We are! We gave you
the world's greatest sailors, pal!
We gave you Nelson,
we gave you Drake, we gave you Columbus.
(RICO LAUGHS)
But you're afraid of a few itsy-bitsy waves?
(LAUGHTER)
No, I'm not afraid, Rico.
I've got no reason to be afraid,
because I've got a 100-yards
swimming certificate back at home.
- Ain't I, Rodders?
- Yeah, he has.
All right, let's have a go.
- Are you sure about this?
- He who dares, Rodney!
We don't want them thinking
that us Brits are chicken, do we?
We certainly do not!
This one looks all right, don't it?
No, Del, this is the one.
Yeah, of course. That one is better.
Don't be shy. Straddle your weight evenly.
This is your start button.
This is the throttle.
Just remember, the faster you go,
the easier it is to stay up. Way to go, fella!
Yeah, cushty!
Here we go!
Look at that baby go!
Lovely, yes! Lovely jubbly!
I think that's far enough now!
- Did he say something?
- I didn't hear a thing.
Rico! The steering wheel's stuck!
The steering wheel is stuck!
Now the throttle's stuck!
Rico! I've got an iffy throttle!
He's going a long way out!
- Yeah, but he's enjoying himself.
- I know.
I'm just saying he's going a long way out.
Where are the brakes
on this bloody thing?! Gordon Bennett!
What a guy, huh?
- Yeah, he's certainly surprised me.
- Why's that?
Well, he can't even swim!
He said he had a certificate for swimming!
He has, but it ain't his.
Help!
Help!
(PILOT) We've begun our descent into Miami,
25 miles off the coast of Florida.
We'll soon be in Miami. Let's hope
it's better than Washington!
I liked Washington.
Not much of a beach though, was there?
We've been all down the east coast of America
- and you've done nothing but moan!
- I didn't moan in Atlantic City.
You was too busy gambling in the casinos!
- That's funny!
- What is?
There's a bloke on one of them ski-jets.
- So what?
- We're 25 miles off the coast!
He must know what he's doing.
(RICO) I'm calling to say that our
meeting can go ahead as scheduled.
Right, I forgot. You don't speak English.
Your... meeting... with... my... father
can... go... ahead...
...as planned.
Planned.
Si... Gracias. I look forward to meeting you.
Lovely jubbly!
"Lovely jubbly!"
Hi. How are you doing?
Fine. I just thought that might be news of Del.
No. I'll let you know if I hear anything.
You're not worried, are you?
No! It's just that he left
the beach at 11.00 this morning
and it's now 8.30 at night.
Your brother's one hell of a fun guy!
But can you have fun on a jet-ski
for nine and a half hours?
Del can! I bet he's in a nightclub
in Key West with some senorita.
He's wearing swimming trunks.
- They all do on Key West!
- Oh, it's like that, is it?
I see the phones are working again.
- No.
- I thought I saw you...
- It's a private line for business.
- Oh, I see.
How come that one's working
when all the others in the area are out?
Search me.
Could I use that phone for a minute?
No. I'm expecting
a very important business call.
Right. I just wanted to phone home
and tell 'em where we were
in case they was worried.
They don't need to worry, Rod. You're with us.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Well, I'll be in me room. If you hear anything...
You'll be the first to know. Goodnight.
Lurch is bringing the car round the front.
The tall one's starting to ask questions.
Looks like tomorrow we take him for a drive
and put him out of his misery.
One down, one to go!
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Good evening, sir.
Officer, is there any news of my father?
Yes, sir, and I'm afraid it's bad news.
Oh, God! Good God, no!
We fished him out three hours ago.
He's dead?
No, he's alive and well.
- What?
- That's what I mean by bad news.
See, we know what the plan was, Rico.
Daddy doesn't cherish spending
the rest of his life in the pen,
so he takes a jet-ski to a friendly yacht
and sails off into the sunset.
It couldn't work, Rico, for two reasons.
One - we're watching his every move.
We saw him leave,
then the coastguard had him on radar.
Two - he ran out of gas 35 miles off Cuba.
Am I glad to be back, Rico!
It was horrible out there!
I thought I was a goner! I don't
know what would have happened to me
if that police helicopter hadn't found me!
Why don't you go in the kitchen
and get yourself something to eat?
Thanks.
I could murder a pina colada!
Something's happened to his voice -
he sounds Australian.
We think it might be salt
on the vocal chords.
Oh, rest assured, officer, I got
something for his throat! Goodnight!
You limey turkey!
What have I got to do to get rid of you?
How much do I owe you?
They're with Mickey Pearce on the last round.
- You're joking!
- No, I'm not!
- You're worrying about nothing!
- They've been gone five days
and we haven't heard from them,
and you call that "nothing"?
I bet there's a simple explanation for it.
Maybe Dave's gone down to Brazil
to have a look at the forest.
You can't get more simple than that!
I mean, just look at that telly, Sid.
It's all bad news.
You're right. Nothing but bad news.
- It's all tragedies and disasters.
- Yeah, it's all gloom and doom.
I shouldn't have it on during happy hour really.
Funny about Del and Rodney, innit?
- They'll turn up sooner or later.
- Yeah.
I just hope the police catch whoever did it.
I must be off. Cheers, Mike.
Cheers, mate. Stay lucky!
- Have you heard from Cassandra?
- Yes, she's as worried as you are.
There's nothing to worry about!
A few years back,
my brother went to Portugal
and didn't contact us for three months.
His wife rang Interpol, my mum was going mad,
- but he turned up safe and sound.
- Where had he been?
Shacked up with some German tart.
- Shut up, there's a good boy!
- All right, so he was out of order,
but at least he weren't injured!
Which is more than people will say
about you if you don't shut it!
I've known Del a lot longer than you,
and he can be a bit forgetful,
especially if he's enjoying himself.
He's probably having the time of his life...
I'm not saying the right things, am I?
- No, you're not.
- Mickey's more comforting than you!
Here, Raquel! Look!
Hang on. I'll turn the sound up.
(TV) The Miami DA's office call
this man "Public Enemy Number One".
His web of vice and corruption
has spread across America,
and he's said to be the most
dangerous criminal since Al Capone.
There's Del and Dave!
"Public enemy number one"?
But he only left Tuesday!
- What's happening?
- The Colombians have landed.
They'll be here any minute.
I want everyone down here to greet 'em.
We need a show of strength -
let 'em know they're not dealing
with the Boy Scouts!
- No problem.
- Hey...
Where are the limeys?
Don't worry, I've taken care
of them. They're busy.
Whack it back to me, for Gawd's sake!
I'm trying to whack it back!
I'm no good at tennis!
No, really (?)
Anyway, what's the score?
I'm six sets up, aren't I?
No, you are not! You're about
two games up and it's my serve.
- No, it's my serve.
- You served during the last game!
I know, and I won, so it's my serve again.
No, it don't... Oh, I've had enough of this!
I'm going in!
Oh, just 'cause you're losing!
(GROANS WITH EFFORT)
You there, Rico?
Lurch?
Tony? Is anybody about?
(BURPS)
Mrs Trotter! Mrs Trotter!
- Cass? It's me, Rodney.
- Where are you?
- Are you all right?
- Steady on! Listen, we're both fine, right?
Come on, one of you jerks!
Hurry up and answer the phone!
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Hello? Battersea Dog's Home.
Woof! Ow-woo!
I've been so worried about you!
- Have ya?
- Yes!
They let me off the interview
on compassionate grounds.
So you could have come with me!
Not without the help of a fortune teller.
- I didn't know you'd go missing!
- I suppose not.
Rodney, where are you?
You're not in our room!
I wish you could have come.
They're such nice people.
Well, if you hadn't booked that week,
- I would have been with you.
- Del booked the tickets.
Del? No, he couldn't. He knew
I was in Eastbourne that week.
I suppose he thought...
What do you mean, he knew?
I told him about it over lunch,
so why did he book that week?
Isn't it obvious why? So he could
get a free bloody holiday!
Rodney!
Come on! Come out, come out,
wherever you are!
Rodney!
(DEL) Are you there, Roddy Woddy?
Oh, yes, this is very nice!
This is a bit of me, this is,
'cause I'm a Byzantine sort of bloke!
(DEL) Where are you hiding,
you little scallywag?
You git!
You rotten, conniving git!
You are the most selfish bastard
I've ever come across!
Do you know who I've just been talking to?
Cassandra! Hah! That's shaken you, ain't it?
You knew all along she wouldn't be
able to make this trip, didn't you?
You knew she had to go to Eastbourne
but you didn't tell me, did you?
You kept that well quiet so you
could come on this bloody holiday!
And where did you get
that stupid tracksuit from?
I don't want to hear none
of your excuses! Do not talk to me, all right?
Git!
You ain't sleeping in here!
Rico will have to find somewhere else for you!
- What's up with you, soppy?
- You know full well!
You knew Cassandra couldn't come
on this trip, because she told you!
Ah... now you come to mention it,
- she DID say something.
- But you planned it!
You booked it just so you could
come away with me on this holiday!
Now, listen. Please, calm down
a minute, will ya?
I'll try and explain everything to you.
See, the thing is that...
That wine deal of mine
has gone right up the pictures!
I had a phone call from Bucharest.
The first lorryload they delivered
was white wine!
I just didn't know what to do,
and you know me, don't ya?
There's only two things in the world
that worry me, and that is doctors
and, you know... gods.
I was frightened of being cursed!
So I thought, "If I come over here
to Miami, He won't find me."
That's the only reason I did it, honest!
I wanted to lay low for a spell.
Yeah, on my pension money!
Del, you are the most horrible,
dirty little... How did you get in here?
What do you mean, how did I get in here?
- How did you get in this room?
- Well, I came through that door,
it's a blinding invention (!)
I locked that door and the only...
How did you get changed so quickly?
I haven't got changed!
I've been in this all morning!
I don't understand this.
I was just talking to you outside.
You couldn't have done,
'cause I've been in the khazi en suite!
I just had a row with you on the landing!
You were wearing a pink and green tracksuit!
A pink and green track...?
Rodney, I want you to tell me
the truth. I won't be angry.
Have you... taken anything?
Have you smoked
one of them Jamaican Woodbines?
The only thing I've taken
is a load of cobblers from you!
Now, I was talking to you on that landing or...
Or what?
Or someone who looks like you.
Someone who looks like me?
You mean like a double?
- Yeah.
- Oh, dear.
(DEL TUTS)
You know what this means, don't you?
It means that you're a bigger
plonker than I thought you were!
Have a look for yourself! He's out there!
I will if it will shut you up, you little dipstick!
I don't know what the world is coming to!
I'm a prisoner in my own home,
and all because of those goddamn
sorry-assed limeys!
Boo!
Look, dippy! That's who it was!
Your reflection!
How can I have a row with a bloody reflection?
I've often had a barney with myself
when I've come home from a party!
(OPERA ON HEADPHONES)
I'm closing your account,
you lime-sucking bozos!
What do you want to do? Go and check it out?
I'll keep a look-out.
So you want to keep a look-out,
and you want me check the room, right?
- Yeah.
- Oh, cushty (!)
Do it yourself, Del! Go on, then!
I hate limeys! I hate limeys!
I hate limeys! I hate 'em! I hate 'em!
(SMASHING GLASS)
Senor Vasquez, my father has been
looking forward to meeting you.
So it is with me, too.
Del! Somebody's coming!
They're trying to kill me!
Fromage frais!
(APPROACHING VOICES)
- (RICO) You had a good flight?
- Oh, my Gawd!
The Colombians are here. This is Senor Vasquez,
and his associate, Senor Herrera.
I'll be next door if you need me.
Gentlemen.
Don Occhetti, I am honoured to meet you, sir!
Forgive me. My English, no good!
Bonnetti.
Bonnetti.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti!
- We bring the final... formation...
- IN-formation!
...information concerning
our business transaction.
Business... Cushty!
You will read, please?
What...? What is this exactly?
- It is the firmation...
- CON-firmation.
...confirmation regarding
delivery of merchandise.
Smashing! Smashing!
What sort of merchandise, is it, then?
Senor, it is the finest,
the purest, the very best...
...cocaine.
Coc...? Coc...?
C-C-C-Cocaine?
17 tonnes.
(MOUTHS)
It is on a yacht anchored off shore.
We wait... We await your instructions.
Don Occhetti, where delivery
of merchandise in the boat?
- Where? Where?
- Boat... delivery, yeah...
I'll tell you what, why don't you
deliver it tonight, midnight in...
Do you know Biscayne Bay?
Deliver the merchandise to Biscayne Bay.
Biscayne... Bay.
- Bees... gayne...
- Cayne.
Cayne.
- Cayne...
- Bay.
- Bay.
- Bay... Bay.
Biscayne Bay.
Is it safe? Safe?
Yes, the cocaine will be safe all right.
Someone there to meet us?
Ooh, don't worry,
there'll be someone there to meet you, yeah.
Good! Good!
(VASQUEZ) It is good to do business
with you. It is very good!
(RUNNING WATER)
Room, who...? Who?
Whom...? Whom?
- Whom room?
- Whom room? Um...
Whom is in there?
That is the bathroom...
and that's my girlfriend in there!
- What does he mean?
- Don Occhetti's senorita.
Oh, yes! Hey, senorita!
(GROWLING BURP FROM BATHROOM)
Yes, yes...
The senorita had a double helping
of chilli con carne last night.
I told her not to
but you know what they're like!
Cor, look at the time! I think that
concludes our business, gentlemen.
All right, then...
Thank you very much.
- Adios.
- A-ge-dos.
- We will peaking soon.
- We will peaking soon.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti!
Bonnetti! Bonnetti!
Didn't you hear me knocking? Rico
brought two blokes up to that room!
Rodney, we are in deep, deep shtook!
- This is Mafia country!
- Mafia?
Yes! Sh! Come over here.
- Sit down there.
- Just listen to me.
You know Rico, Salvatore and them
other guys? They're all Mafioso!
Remember you said you thought
you saw a bloke what looked like me?
Well, there IS one!
He's got a room down there!
His name's Don Occhetti
and he is the boss.
I'm telling you, Rodney,
this is Marlon Brambo time!
Yes! I just read a newspaper
down there.
It's all about him!
This Don, he's up for trial.
It looks like
he's well in the frame,
and he's gonna spend the rest
of his life in the nick!
- What for?
- Drug-running, kidnapping,
and three - you count 'em -
three murders!
That is what all this has been
about, Rodney, don't you understand?
They've been trying to kill ME!
Think about it - that accidental
stray bullet that whacked the chair,
the iffy ski-boat ride, eh?
Don't you see? If I go for a burton,
this Donald-whatever-his-name-is
won't stand trial and he goes free!
Aren't you just letting
your imagination run away with you?
I wish I was, Rodney, I wish I was!
Look at that, pal. Go on!
I've been down there
and just had a little tete-a-tete
with two Colombian drug barons!
Bloody hell, Del! He's a Mafia boss!
That's what I've been trying
to tell ya. Look at it!
- Oh, cosmic!
- Hmm?
Cos-bloody-mic!
I just roughed him up!
I have just roughed up a Mafia boss!
I called him a git!
- I called a Mafia boss...
- Pull yourself together!
...a git!
These are not the sort of people
you wanna spend your holidays with!
Rico can forget that present
we was gonna buy him!
- Let's get outta here!
- How?
- They're all downstairs!
- We'll go out the window!
Quick before I wake up with
a bloody horse's head on me pillow!
You first!
Go on!
Look at this!
- Mucho... very much!
- Hasta la vista!
Yeah. Send Rico up to me.
Tell him I want to talk to him.
There's something sharp up there!
How the hell did this happen?
I don't know, Pop.
The last time I saw it, it was fine.
Leave it. I'll get Lurch to do it.
- OK.
- Well, the Colombians seem happy.
Well, maybe they won't be so happy
after we've had our meeting.
- Show 'em up, Rico.
- Show 'em up?
- They just left!
- Left?
What the hell did they come all this way for
and then leave without talking to me?!
But I brought them in and...
How did you get changed so quickly?
I've worn it all morning. I've been working out.
Oh, God! The limey!
I'm in court tomorrow morning!
Rico!
- Do something, you stupid jerk!
- Don't worry, we'll get 'em back.
Are you enjoying the ride, boys?
Oh, yes, lovely, Miss Daisy!
- I don't believe this!
- This is supposed to be a getaway!
At this rate, we'll be done for kerb crawling!
- This is about as far as I go.
- Well, thanks for the lift.
Have a nice trip back to Australia!
- We're not Aussies, we're English!
- Leave it. She's old!
- (RICO) Sure it was them?
- Who else is running around here
dressed like Jimmy Connors?
Raquel, where have you been?
I've been to Royal Ascot (!)
- Where do you think I've been?
- Cassandra phoned.
- She's spoken with Rodney.
- Well, where are they?
They're in a millionaire's mansion.
A tropical storm knocked the phones
out so they couldn't call.
- When are they coming home?
- They fly home tomorrow.
You can stop worrying.
They're both safe and sound!
Come on, Rodney! Where's your stamina?
Bloody hell!
Help me out of here, Rodney!
- Come here!
- I can't!
Come on!
Gordon Bennett! What is that stuff anyway?
I think it's water hyacinth. I read
about it in my Greenpeace magazine.
Why's it floating on the water?
That's what it does. It grows on the water.
We must be in the Everglades.
Everglades? It looks more like a swamp to me!
Well, it is a swa...
Don't matter.
Rodney, just get me home, will ya?
Back to England's pleasant land
and those dark, volcanic mills!
Yeah.
Look, Del, let's just have a rest, eh?
We're safe enough.
Nobody could find us in here.
Look at me! Me hands are
all bleeding, me clothes are torn,
me arse is soaking wet!
- And you're still whining!
- Yes! It's all right for you!
If I get piles, you can have half of 'em!
Del Boy...
Shut up, Rodney!
You're getting on my nerves!
I want you to do something for me, Derek.
I want you to stand up
and very slowly walk away.
What is this? "Simple Simon Says"?
Very slowly walk away, Del.
We don't want to alarm it.
- Alarm what?
- That thing behind us.
That thing?
- That was a crocodile, Rodney!
- No, it weren't.
I can recognise a crocodile.
I've seen enough Tarzan films!
- That was an alligator.
- It's the same thing, innit?
No, they look alike and they're from
the same family, but biologically...
- Do they eat ya?
- Yeah.
It's the same thing, then!
Who the hell let it out?!
No, they live here in the Everglades.
"They"? Do you mean to say
there's more than one of 'em?
Yeah, but don't panic!
It's very rare to see them during the day.
They're a nocturnal animal.
Are you trying to tell me that come teatime,
there'll be millions of the gits?!
Yeah.
I just don't believe it!
I've got to be honest with you, Rodney,
I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't
come on this holiday with you!
Don't you blame me!
I did not invite you, Derek, you invited yourself!
(DRONING ENGINE)
Listen to that!
(RODNEY) It's a boat! We're saved!
Get down, Rodney! It could be the Mafia!
What would they be doing on a boat?
Water-skiing (!) What do you think?
Look, Marlene, an eagle!
That's not an eagle, it's a heron!
Well, it's a big bird, anyway!
- Uncle Rodney!
- Listen to him! Uncle Rodney (!)
The imagination these kids have!
Yes, right. Let's take some photographs.
Marlene... Just for a moment there,
I thought I saw...
Gordon Bennett!
It's Del and Rodney!
Ooh-ooh! Del!
- Boycie!
- Get over here, quick!
What are YOU doing here?
I forgot to kiss you goodbye
at Gatwick! Get that boat over here!
Wayne, get over there!
All right, Del?
Triffic, sweetheart (!)
- Come on, Rodders! Let's go!
- You smell like a vegetarian's fart!
- At least I haven't been burgled!
- It's a joke! Now, let's get going!
Right, Wayne. Let's go!
Rico, please consider your actions carefully
before you do anything you might regret!
OK, I'll consider it!
(DEL) Duck!
(BOYCIE) Why?
- (GUNSHOT)
- (DEL) That!
(BOYCIE) Get a move on!
Did you hear that, Curtis? Some
jerk's out there loosing off lead!
(BOYCIE) Everything was going well.
We were having a lovely holiday,
then THEY turn up, and within 15 seconds,
some sod's shooting at us!
(MARLENE) You've done nothing
but moan since we left Washington!
(BOYCIE) Get that bloody boat in,
for Gawd's sake!
Rodney, hang about a minute.
Rodney, let's go home.
Del, our plane don't leave till tomorrow night.
I know, but we can sleep at the airport.
At least we'll be that much closer
to dear old England!
Give us a lift to the airport, Boycie!
(WOMAN) Last night,
coastguards from Biscayne Cove
boarded a Colombian yacht
and found 17 tonnes of cocaine.
Wanted drug baron Alberto Vasquez
was taken to Miami Police Central
for questioning by FBI agents.
The tip-off for the drug bust came
when delivery details were left
in a park ranger's office.
The big story today - in Miami Superior Court,
Don Vincenzo Occhetti,
head of the most powerful
Mafia family in America,
was found guilty of drug-running, kidnap,
and three counts
of conspiring to commit murder.
He was given six life sentences.
Ricardo Occhetti was arrested yesterday
for illegal hunting
in the Everglades National Park.
Police are looking for two Australians
who may be able to assist them in this matter.
Welcome home, boys!
# Hot town, summer in the city
# Back of my neck getting dirty, gritty
# Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
# All around me, people looking half dead
# Walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
# But at night it's a different world
# Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
# The days can't be more like the nights
# In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city
# Cool town, evening in the city
# Dressed so fine and looking so pretty
# I'm a cool cat looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city
# Till I'm wheezing at the bus stop
# Running up the stairs,
I'm gonna meet you on the roof top
# But at night it's a different world
# Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
# The days can't be like the nights
# In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city
# Hot town
# Hot town... #
# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
# Then, brother, I'm your man
# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
# It's like the changing
of the seasons and the tides of the sea
# But here's the one
what's driving me berserk
# Why do only fools and horses work? #
(VICAR)... for thou hast vouchsafed to call us
to the knowledge of thy grace and faith in thee.
Increase this knowledge,
and confirm this faith in us ever more.
Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant
that he may be born again
and be made an heir of everlasting salvation.
Through our Lord Jesus Christ,
who liveth and reigneth
with thee and the Holy Spirit
now and for ever, amen.
Godparents, please.
- Remember what to say?
- Yeah.
(BABY CRIES)
Be careful, Rodney.
You drop him and I'll drop you!
(RAQUEL) Del!
He dropped a whole Royal Doulton
dinner service once.
- Nearly ruined it!
- (RAQUEL) Shut up!
(CASSANDRA) Look at his little face!
Mmm.
(BABY YELLS)
Dearly beloved, ye have
brought this child to be baptised.
Ye have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ
would vouchsafe to receive him...
Going down the pub, Alan?
Yeah, we'll be there.
Going down the pub, are we?
Got to be polite to Raquel and Del.
Just to wet the baby's head.
Roughly translated, that means,
"I can't wait to get down the Nag's Head
and get legless with Del!"
Take your time, Pam.
We've got to christen the baby first!
Did you hear that?!
Yes. You're always on about me getting drunk.
When was the last time that happened?
- The last time you went there with Del!
- I didn't!
...and obediently keep his commandments.
Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works?
I renounce them all.
Dost thou renounce the vain pomp and glory
and the carnal desires of the flesh?
Yes.
- No!
- We do!
- "I renounce them all."
- Yeah, me, too.
It's lovely, innit?
Stunning (!)
Don't you feel anything?
Yes, I feel a great urgency to get
out of here and finish my packing!
You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow?
I've finished the packing!
Stop moaning or I'll get annoyed.
Do you remember Tyler's christening?
Yeah. Better church than this, weren't it?
Godparents, will you please name this child?
Yes. It's Damien Derek Trotter.
Damien Derek?
Yes.
Damien Derek!
Fine.
I baptise thee, Damien Derek,
in the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
We receive this child
in the congregation of Christ's flock
and do sign him with the sign of the cross.
(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)
What is wrong with you, Rodney?
Nothing!
- Mind the paintwork!
- Come on, Mickey! Get a move on!
I'm just setting the automatic timer!
He's no David Bailey.
David Bailey! More like Bathe-it-Daily!
Ready? Everybody smile!
- Smile, Trigger!
- I AM smiling!
Thank you, Reverend.
That was a cracking display.
It was a beautiful ceremony. Thank you.
My pleasure. Perhaps I'll see you again soon?
You mean the wedding? Don't hold
your breath on it -she's still married!
I'm waiting for my divorce to come through.
Yeah, almost pukka!
If you need me, I'll be here.
- God bless you both.
- Thank you, Reverend.
I'll be in to see you in a minute.
I've got something I want to talk to you about.
- Of course. I'll be inside.
- Good!
- What do you want to see him about?
- Just business.
How can you discuss business here?
This is a church!
Come on, Raquel. Even churches
have got to make profits.
- Have you read your Bible recently?
- Have you?
No, but I remember our RE teacher
reading it to us once,
and there is a chapter in the Bible
called the "Book of Profits",
so don't tell me that God doesn't
know a bit of bunce when he sees it!
No, it doesn't mean "profit".
A lovely christening, Raquel!
One of the nicest I've been to!
Thanks, Marlene!
I've bought you a little present.
It's a baby intercom
so you can hear Damien if he cries at night.
You can even talk to him
so he hear's Mummy's voice.
- You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?
- No problem.
I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow.
Listen, I'll leave you two girls
to have a chinwag. See you later.
Del, I'll shoot off and open up the pub.
About this do I'm putting on.
I'm a bit concerned, mate.
Don't be, Michael. I've got every faith in you!
I'm concerned about the money!
Could you at least give me a deposit?
How dare you, Michael,
talk business here, outside a church?
This is a church! Gawd blimey!
- (RAQUEL) You're off tomorrow?
- We're going to the States!
We fly to Washington,
down to Atlantic City for a week,
- then on to Florida!
- You're making me jealous!
It's not gonna be that good -
Boycie's going with me!
Poor little Rodney! Is he still living at your flat?
He stays with us Monday to Friday
and weekends with Cassandra.
- Only weekends?
- Yeah.
Well, I suppose it's more fun than fishing!
Rodney.
Hi, Alan.
So... how's the new job?
- What new job?
- Working for Del.
Oh, that. Fine. We've gone international.
Del's very big in eastern Europe.
Yeah, he said he's got contacts in Warsaw.
- No, Walsall.
- Walsall?
Yeah. But this bloke's cousin
is an exporter in Romania.
Romania?
Good.
How are you getting on with...?
- Oh!
- No, she's just going down the pub.
I said I'd see her there later.
You going down for one?
- Yeah, just for a quick one.
- Just a quick one (!)
No, it will be just a quick one.
I've had my orders! By the way,
- I've got something for you.
- What's that?
Remember when you worked for me,
you joined the pension scheme?
They've come up with your repayments.
I talked to the insurance company,
and if you like, you can keep the policy open.
It might be the basis of a nice little nest egg.
That's really nice of you.
I'll take you up on that offer!
I knew you'd say that.
Well, I'm not one of these
grab-the-money-and-run merchants.
My philosophy is look after the future now.
My sentiments exactly!
Let's see. P935 invested in a policy
attracting a gross annual...
- P935?! I'll take that now.
- What about the future?
What future? I work for Del.
I don't quite understand, Mr Trotter.
Let me try to explain.
What would you do if you had an extra ten
or twenty thousand pounds a year coming in?
Build a new youth club?
Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings?
I'm not used to decisions of that magnitude.
Well, I've come up with an idea that can
revolutionise your fund-raising mechanism.
- What do you put in there?
- Communion wine.
Before it goes in, it's not communion wine?
- Not until I bless it.
- Till you bless it, exactly!
How long does it take to bless it?
- Two or three minutes.
- Let's call it three minutes.
That's three minutes, three times
a day. Three threes are nine.
Nine minutes a day, seven days a week -
'cause I know you blokes work on Sundays!
That's about one hour a week, times 52.
That works out about two days a year
that you lose just blessing wine,
and that's not including the trip
to Oddbins to pick it up.
I reckon you lose about one week
every year just blessing wine.
- Possibly.
- No, positively!
Think of the clergymen all over the country
who are also losing one week every year!
Cor, dear! We must be losing
months and months of vicar hours!
Think of all the good works
you could do with them lost months.
I never thought of it like that.
I have and it's been bothering me!
Sit down, your reverence.
Sit down and let me explain.
I have worked out a way in which I can
give you back that precious quality, time.
- How?
- Are you ready for this?
"Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"!
- "Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"?
- Yes.
It's like the holy version of sliced bread.
Hang on a minute.
I've got this mate, he's a vintner up north.
He's shipping in
this new range of Romanian wine.
- Romanian wine?
- It's gonna be all the rage.
They drive it from Tilbury to here,
where you will bless it by the lorryload.
Then we'll ship it
to churches and cathedrals all over the country.
There'll be no stopping us.
This time next year,
we'll be exporting all over Europe!
And here is the brick on top of the chimney.
We get it at 1.39 a bottle,
we knock it out at P2.50!
The church'll be rejoicing and you and I will be
a nicker and a bit in front! Everyone wins.
"Rien a dire, rien a faire"
as they say in Lourdes!
I see how it could save time...
Yes, it can save time, and time is money!
Money that is much better spent
on roofs and orphans and organs!
That's very commendable of you,
Mr Trotter, but I'm slightly stunned.
Of course you are!
Now you know how the people felt when they
saw the burning bush or the first Pot Noodle!
This time next year,
Thora Hird will ask for YOUR autograph!
I know, it knocks you sideways, don't it?
It must be a sign or something!
I'll let you think about it.
Meantime, I'll send in the first lorryload
so you can have a practice.
Try and interest your colleagues, square it
with the bishops. You know it makes sense!
That's for the christening -
it was a belter! Bonjour for now!
- Del Boy!
- Sh! What do you want?
I heard there's some business going down.
Is there anything for me?
- I'm Managing Director of me own firm now.
- I'm impressed (!)
No, there's nothing in it for you.
I'm doing this for charity.
Well, if you hear of something, let us know.
- I've always done you a good turn.
- When have you done anything for me?
Well, I'll do you some good turns in the future!
- Remember, if you want any help...
- I'll bear it in mind.
Wait a minute...
Wait a minute!
- I was wondering...
- What?
- I don't think you can handle it.
- I can handle it, no sweat! What is it?
Well... it's a little bit out of your normal area.
As long as you're not frightened of a challenge?
There's nothing I like better! I'm your man!
All right, put it there! Come with me
and I'll tell you what I want you to do.
(MICKEY) My firm is in a phase of expansion.
I was computerised three months ago.
(DEL) I thought you had a bit of a limp!
(CHUGGING RATTLE)
(RATTLING STOPS)
Oooh! Gordon B...! What's the matter?
I'm so embarrassed!
I wish you could choose your parents!
Aw, no, it's not Alan again, is it?
It's always the same at family parties.
Two drinks, that's all it takes!
You ought to stay off the scotch!
I haven't been on the scotch.
I've been on the shandies!
Hello, Del. It's a smashing do!
- Come on, love.
- Kissie, kissie, Del!
- Del!
- Sorry!
- Take her home, Daddy!
- Then what?
- I've got some rope in my van!
- Don't, Del! Come on, Pam!
- Ooh!
- How will I live the embarrassment down?
Talk to Rodney. He's had years of experience!
Sorry. Talking of Rodney, he's gutted
about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
- What's happened between you two?
- It's private, Del.
I won't stick me nose in,
but if you want to talk, either of you, I'm here.
You know me, I'm straight down the line,
no old bull and no porkies.
- Thanks, Del.
- All right.
- Is Damien at the flat?
- Yeah.
- Who's baby-sitting?
- Mickey Pearce.
(ALBERT SINGS AND PLAYS PIANO)
Is that the holiday brochure?
Yes. These are the hotels we're staying at!
How many times must I tell her
to keep quiet about this holiday?!
Why's that, Boycie?
I don't want everyone to know
my house will be empty for three weeks!
I'm security-conscious these days.
That's why I haven't ordered a cab
for the airport. Del Boy's doing it.
I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
- They were all busy, were they?
- Right, so I had to ask Del!
Mind you, he's put on a good spread here today!
HE'S put on a good spread?!
This is all on the slate!
I've got so many of his slates under here,
I could retile me bloody roof!
Del will pay you. No worries.
Yeah, Del's had a big cheque arrive.
- What about that, Mouthy?
- 935 quid!
- See?
- I saw the cheque!
(MIKE) Yeah, I saw an advert
for the RAC, but I still broke down!
Gotcha! What did you leave this
in your jacket for? Someone could have taken it!
Somebody did!
This could have been nicked and cashed
before you could say Marriage Guidance Council.
Shut up about that!
I'm paying this into your account, all right?
How are things between you and Cassandra?
- Why?
- You don't seem to be talking to her.
- We ain't got much to say.
- What's the problem between you?
It's private, all right?
You used to confide in me.
Now you tell me nothing.
- I might be able to help you!
- It is private! I'll sort it out in me own way!
You'll sort nothing out
without talking about it!
- All right!
- All right. Go and enjoy yourself!
(DEL) Mike, give me a pina colada.
- Bloody women!
- Problems, Dave?
I don't want to talk about it.
Have you ever been
wrongly accused of something?
- Once.
- How did you get out of it?
I didn't. I was guilty.
You're going to the airport in style,
in my Capri Ghia.
- What time shall I pick you up?
- 11.00. The plane leaves at 1.30.
- I wouldn't go to America.
- What's wrong with it?
- It's violent, innit?
- You've been watching too much telly!
They're on the verge of a drugs war over there!
Who told you that?!
Well, I saw a programme on the telly.
See what I mean? Soppy as a sack!
I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy
to Rita Fairclough when old Len snuffed it!
He closed the pub for a week
when Daphne in "Neighbours" died!
When I say a programme on the telly...
You shouldn't laugh about things like that.
Eh?
The dead can't defend themselves.
No, you see, Trig, the thing was...
She had a three-month-old baby!
Rita Fairclough?
I'm talking about Daphne!
Yeah, I'm sorry, Trig. It was, it was tragic!
Well... I've made my point.
Yeah, sorry about that, Trig.
You've got to be very careful.
Trig gets very emotional.
He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
When I say a programme on the telly,
I don't mean "Hill Street Blues"
or "Magnum". This was "Panorama"!
- (BOTH) "Panorama"!
- Contract killers are on the loose over there.
How's that going to affect Boycie?
He's going with Thomas Cook!
No hit man is going
to have a pop at two British tourists!
If he does, he'd better do it in the evening.
One look at Marlene when she gets out of bed
would make anyone run a mile!
- She'd put the frights up Hannibal Lecter!
- I like that, Del!
How do you know what Marlene
looks like when she gets out of bed?
- Your milkman told me.
- Oh.
(DISTANT PASSING SIREN)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Lovely evening.
- Mmm.
You got time for a chat?
If it's anything to do
with uniforms, the answer's no.
Sh! It's nothing to do with uniforms!
I'm not dressing up
as a Victorian maid for anyone!
Look, I'd had a few drinks
and said something stupid.
That's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
Haven't you ever said something stupid?
Yeah, two years ago I said, "I do"!
- That's not fair, Cass.
- I didn't mean it.
Sorry.
- I won't mention uniforms again, I promise.
- All right, then.
Well, glad the christening went off all right.
I thought it was really moving.
He's such a lovely baby.
Lovely?
He's always biting me! He takes
great chunks of flesh out me arms!
You liar! He smiled when he saw you.
Yeah, 'cause he thought,
"Here comes elevenses!"
Oh, shut up. He's a beautiful little thing.
You ain't got to live in the same flat as...
Sorry. I wasn't trying to... Well, you know.
You don't live at Del's all the time.
We spend weekends together.
Oh, yeah, yeah. We spend weekends together.
Don't start. We discussed all our problems
with the Relate counsellor.
Remember what she said
after she stopped laughing?
She advised us to go slowly
and just spend weekends together at first.
- You must be joking!
- Well, the offer still holds.
It's up to you.
Now, could we change the subject?
Yes, sorry!
How are things at the bank?
Heard anything about your promotion?
Not yet, but I'm definitely on the shortlist.
I've been invited to the company's
seminar in Eastbourne.
A seminar in Eastbourne (!)
Sorry.
- It's important, this seminar?
- It's where the final interviews will be held.
- Well... here's to your future.
- OURS.
- Yeah.
- Don't look like that! Please?
This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
That's just it! Everybody's celebrating!
Boycie and Marlene are off to the States,
Del and Raquel have christened the chavie.
That could be us in a while.
What, a baby?
No, I meant we could go to America.
It's been an ambition of mine.
Once I get my promotion,
we could put some money aside
and have a holiday in California or Florida.
Yeah? When?
A couple of years.
Cosmic!
(TRIG) There are thousands of trees
in the world!
It is not just a bunch of trees!
It's the Brazilian rainforest,
the lungs of the world!
They are destroying it
at the rate of 25 acres a day!
- Where is that, exactly?
- Huh?
Where is the Brazilian rainforest?
It's outside Luton!
Where do you think?! It's in Brazil!
Albert, there you are! I've booked you
a front row seat at the launderama!
Away you go. Rodney, I want a word with you.
Give us a decaffeinated cappuccino
and a jam doughnut, Sid.
He's on about that bleedin' rainforest again.
That's the fourth lecture this week!
Well, he's worried about our world.
It wouldn't hurt you to care
a bit more - look at that!
It's fossil fuels. People don't
realise what damage they're doing.
I don't have none of them
in my house. I use gas and oil.
- Trig, they ARE fossil fuels.
- Are they?
Well, I'll switch to coal in future.
No! Coal is the same!
I had a coal burner fitted.
It's not as dear as you think.
Put it on Rodney's slate.
(RODNEY) I don't know
how many bloody trees there are, Trig!
Rodders, leave it out!
You'll never turn this lot "green"
as long as you've got a hole in your ozone!
I've got some exciting news
to tell you in private. Come here.
Private, please! Thank you.
I give up on you two!
It's so frustrating trying to explain
what is happening on this planet!
It gives me the hump an' all!
They are more concerned
with a postcard from Boycie and Marlene!
Gawd, dear! We had one
this morning! It's a lovely hotel.
Del!
So what's this exciting news?
Well, I went down the bank
to pay in your cheque.
I'd have gone earlier, but I've been having
trouble with me wine deal. Thanks, Sid.
- So you have paid it in?
- Of course I have!
You've got to look after that money.
Don't go sending it off to Sting!
Anyway, when I was down there,
I bumped into Cassandra and we went for lunch.
While I was having lunch, I had this great idea.
I know you like to travel...
I am not going to Romania!
- Your wine shipment's got problems.
- Who said that?!
Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest
that made you go pale and sweaty.
It's nothing I can't handle,
just a hiccup with the old translation.
Anyway, this idea was for you and Cassandra.
We was talking about Boycie
and Marlene's holiday.
Now, it worked out that Cassandra
would love to go to America.
On the way here, I called in
to see Alex the travel agent.
He has got a once-in-a-lifetime offer!
It's practically a giveaway!
Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackeroonies!
Well, that's a monkey before
you got a bed for the night, innit?
No! Here's the cherry on top
of the cake - two go for the price of one!
Think about it, Rodney - you and Cassandra
spending a week on Miami Beach!
Miami... Nah, I could never afford it.
'Course you can afford it! You've got
your Maxwell money, haven't ya?
- Me what?
- Maxwell, your pension money.
Miami...? Two for the price of one?
Rodney, just think about it -
she'll love it, I know that.
Imagine how she'll feel when you
announce your holiday of a lifetime!
She'll be all over you like a rash!
Is that a brilliant idea or just wonderful?
It's a cosmic idea!
- Would you give me the time off?
- Of course!
Ace! But what about Cassy?
The bank owe her three weeks' holiday -
she told me. You're off and running, bruv!
Yeah? I'd better go and phone her
and make sure it's all right.
No, don't phone her. Sit down there.
You take her out for dinner,
and when you get to the old coffee
and the Grand "Monier" stakes,
you throw the tickets
down on the table and you say,
"Darling, I am taking you to Miami."
You'll knock her bandy!
Yeah! I'd better get down
that travel agent's a bit sharpish!
No, no, don't go down there.
Save the shoe leather, Rodney,
'cause you see, I got them for you!
Derek, you are a diamond!
How did you know I wanted them?
Even a plonker like you
wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this!
I don't know what I'd do without you!
I'd never have thought...
How did you afford it? I thought you were skint.
I am. I cashed one of your cheques.
- You took money out of my account?
- Don't you dare thank me!
It was nothing.
I can forge your signature as easy as that!
(TV ON)
- All right?
- Lovely, son.
- Where is everyone?
- Little 'un's in his cot, Raquel's cooking,
Rodney's taken Cassandra to dinner.
He's gonna tell her about Miami.
- I'd love to be there and see her face!
- So would I!
'Ere, look. Oi! Oi!
(TV OFF)
Any calls for me?
- Calls?
- Has the telephone rung
- and a voice asked for me?
- Not that I'm aware of.
- Thank God for that!
- Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today.
I was walking past the church
where we held the christening,
and there was a big articulated lorry outside.
There was some sort of German writing
on the side, and the back doors were open.
Full of cases of wine, it was.
And that vicar,
the one what christened Damien,
he was making the sign of the cross
and saying a prayer to this lorry.
Funny old world, innit, eh? Listen to me.
Anyone phones or calls round
asking for me, I'm not in, all right?
Does "anyone" mean people
with Romanian accents?
Hello, sweetheart.
No, I didn't mean people
with Romanian accents.
I just thought I ought to maintain
a bit of a low profile for a while.
I think I'll take a look at Damien.
You dare! It's taken me
over an hour to get him to sleep!
All right. I'll make meself a Singapore Sling
to unwind, and take a hot bath.
(DOOR SLAMS)
- Rodney's back.
- (DEL) All right, Rodders?
- What does Cassandra say?
- I'm going to bed!
- Everything all right, bruv?
- Brilliant, Del! Bloody brilliant!
Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me!
- (DEL) Eh?
- Why not?
- Because she is busy that week!
- Doing what?
She has to attend the bank's
seminar in bloody Eastbourne!
She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy
interview so she can become an executive!
She should get her priorities right!
- Let's be fair about this.
- Let's be fair, Rodney.
These interviews are very important.
Five years of college
and evening school have led to this seminar.
You can't expect her
to risk her future for a week in the sun.
It's not that. It's just my luck -
any other week would have been fine
but, no, it had to be that week!
I know it's tough, but it's just the way it goes.
Well, for me it is, yeah.
- See you in the morning.
- Yeah, goodnight, bruv.
Dear, oh, dear, oh, Lord.
That's a bit of a body blow, innit? There you are.
Yeah, he was looking forward to that.
He should have phoned Cassandra first.
Yeah.
I told him to phone her. I said, "Phone her.
Make sure she can make that week!"
But he wouldn't listen. You know what he's like.
- It's a shame.
- Yeah!
Stupid bank! Stupid, stupid bank!
(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)
Go to sleep, Damien, otherwise Uncle Rodney
will get angry. You won't like me...
(ON INTERCOM)... when I'm angry!
Look, just pack it in, will ya?
You don't frighten me,
so just go to sleep, you little sod!
- What's he doing in there?
- Having a row with Damien.
How do you work this thing?
(DISTORTED VOICE ON INTERCOM)
Who are you talking to?
Jesus on a bike!
What's happened?
All right, bruv?
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
- You look pale.
No...
I was just thinking, I won't sleep
with Damien no more...
...'cause I keep snoring
and waking him up, bless him.
I'll just kip on the sofa if that's all right.
- Anything you like, bruv.
- I'll just have a quick shower.
(DAMIEN CRIES)
Sorry.
- It's all right. I'm used to it.
- You going, are you? All right.
You was really looking forward
to going to Miami, weren't ya?
I had dreams of what it would be like.
You'll get your money back.
No, I won't. The tickets are non-refundable.
- Still going, aren't you?
- Of course I ain't!
Cassandra will think you're just a puppet who
can't do anything unless she pulls your strings!
- But I'll be all on me own.
- You're only going for a week!
What about him? He was on his own once
for three months on an uninhabited island!
It wasn't uninhabited when he arrived,
but that's another story.
You have to go. You've got to prove
to Cassandra that you're a man
and you're not frightened
to stand on your own two feet.
- You know, you're right!
- So you're going, son?
Possibly.
He won't go, will he?
Yeah, of course he'll go, Unc,
and do you know why?
Because I'm going with him!
There you are.
You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?
You're all warm and happy.
We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?
He can't go to Miami now.
It's a shame.
Shall I put your mobile on for you,
the one Daddy bought you? Yeah?
You've got a lovely daddy,
haven't you, buying you these presents?
(MOBILE DOESN'T PLAY TUNE)
Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney?
You wouldn't mind, would you?
He'd only be gone for a week.
(NO MUSIC FROM MOBILE)
I wonder where Daddy got that from?
It's a mystery, like so many things!
Can you persuade Raquel?
Can Fergie ski (?)
I only wanna go for a week in Miami. I'm not
taking a six-month exhibition up the jungle!
My Ada weren't too happy
when I told her I was going abroad.
You joined the navy and went
round the world seven bloody times!
No wonder the poor cow got the needle!
Night, night, baby. Mummy's just outside.
I'll switch your little box on
in case you need me.
(DEL ON INTERCOM) All I want to do
is go to Miami with Rodney!
He's got a ticket going begging!
Raquel has been to America,
ain't she? What about me?
I've been nowhere!
Benidorm and Bognor, that's me!
Nah, she'll be all right.
Raquel will be OK, you'll see.
Yeah, I'll work her.
Everything will be cushty!
I wouldn't be surprised
if she puts a block on ya.
Leave it out, Uncle. I'm the guv'nor
in this house, ain't I?
I shall just say, "Raquel,
I'm going to Miami with my brother,
"like it or lump it! Pick the bones
out of that, darling!"
- All right, sweetheart?
- Yeah, he's settled down.
Del's got something to tell you, love.
(RAQUEL) What's that?
That programme you want to watch
is about to start!
- Sit down.
- But your dinner's in the oven.
Don't worry, I like it all baked up.
Can I get you a drink?
- No, thanks.
- All right. Are you nice and comfy?
- Mmm.
- There you are, darling!
Cushty!
Come on, then. Come to your lover.
That's it.
It's a shame, innit?
Mmm.
Yes, it's a crying bloody shame.
- What is?
- Poor little Rodney.
You mean those tickets to Miami, son?
That's right. Cassandra can't go
with him so he won't be able to go.
- Couldn't Rodney go on his own?
- Definitely not!
- I went to America on my own.
- You've got a bit of savvy.
You couldn't have Rodney Trotter
AND Dan Quayle on the same continent!
No, he needs someone to look after him.
That's it, innit? But what can you do?
Mmm...
Poor little Rodney.
- I've got an idea!
- What's that, Unc?
Why don't he take someone with him?
That's a good idea! I'm surprised
you didn't think of that, Del!
Yeah, so am I. Of course, the trouble is...
- Who?
- Who?
What about Mickey Pearce?
Great idea. It's a brilliant idea.
But the tickets are made out
in the name of Trotter.
- They're not transferable.
- You mean he's got to go
- with someone named Trotter?
- Exactly! Exactly.
Oh, dear! Poor little Rodney!
- Why don't you go with him, Del?
- Me?!
Yeah! Your name's Trotter!
Yes, yes, great, but...
But what?
I couldn't leave you and Damien on your own!
I'd be here.
That's like asking McDonald's
to look after your cow, innit?!
It's only for a week! Damien and I
could just about manage to survive!
I couldn't do that. I'm not
that sort of bloke. I'd be worried sick.
All right, then. I don't want to make you ill!
On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish.
I couldn't imagine you being that, Del.
The thing is, this is the chance of a lifetime
for little Rodney, the poor little cock!
And as it was my idea, I feel partly to blame.
Go to Miami, Del!
- Really?
- Really. You'll love it!
Terrific!
Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.
I'm only doing it for...
(BOTH)... poor little Rodney!
Oh, darling... you know what, Raquel?
You've got a heart like a diamond.
You know what you remind me of?
You remind me so much of my mum!
Thanks.
I'll bring ya back a blinding present!
'Ere, Rodney. Del's got
some good news for you!
What's that, then?
I'm coming to Miami with ya!
You bloody ain't!
- Eh?
- I ain't going on holiday with you!
Excuse me. Excuse me a moment, would you?
Can I have a word with you
in the executive boardroom?
Wherever you want!
He's just mixed up. I'll soon straighten him out.
- You've got a bloody nerve!
- Sh! Damien!
What's the matter with you, Rodney?
Del, I'm not flying 4,000 miles
across the Atlantic Ocean
with you in my earhole all day and night!
I want a break from all that!
I've been on holiday with you before!
That's charming, isn't it?
Absolutely charming!
After all that I have done for you!
What thanks do I get?
No bloody thanks, that's the thanks I get!
(DAMIEN CRIES)
Now look what you've done!
Sh! Damien, sh! It's all right! Daddy's here.
RAQUEL!
When we went on holiday,
we had a bloody good time!
YOU had a good time.
Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards
was praying their spleen would burst!
You got drunk, shouted at women,
got us into fights...
We were on holiday!
Well, this time, I want a more relaxing holiday.
Relaxing? I see.
So what you're trying to say
is I'm not relaxing company.
(DAMIEN CRIES)
Raquel! The baby's crying!
Rodney, that's all different now.
That was in the past.
I'm a changed man, see?
I'm a married man with a baby!
I've got a baby,
and that's the reason why I've changed -
because I have got a son whom I cherish.
(RAQUEL SHOUTS) Darling, I'm coming!
And there's the mother of my son
whom cherishes me!
(RAQUEL) Don't break your back,
Trotter, I'll deal with him (!)
Thank you, sweetheart! Thank you.
Come on, Rodney, you're judging me
by a few misguided incidents, that's all!
I've told you, I'm changed now!
Come on! You want to go to Miami, don't ya?
Of course I want to go,
but this time I want it to be... sensible.
Sensible?
'Course you do! I'm sensible!
Sensible's my middle name!
- (RAQUEL) Will you get me a nappy?
- Of course, sweetheart!
See? See that?
Look, Rodney...
I mean, look, all I want to do
is just sit on a beach and relax.
Same here.
Well, they've got
some blinding beaches in Miami!
- Mmm...
- Yeah...
And they've got
some fantastic art museums in Miami.
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
I wouldn't mind some of that.
And you can have it, Cinders!
All you've got to do is say the magic words!
How are you going to swing it with Raquel?
I've already done it. I told...
(HUSHED) I told her. I told her straight.
I said, "I wanna go to Miami with Rodney.
You can like it or lump it.
"Pick the bones out of that, darling!"
- (RAQUEL) Derek!
- Coming, sweetheart!
Come on! You and me, eh?
What do you say? Yeah? Yeah?
- Eh?
- Well...
Come on! Say the magic words, Rodney!
- Yeah, all right, then.
- Yes!
Good boy! That's it, you see?
You know it makes sense!
Where's that nappy?
We're older now, ain't we?
We can appreciate the finer things in life.
What? Not half!
- Do you want this?
- Yeah.
Thanks!
This time, let's be more,
what's the word? Sophisticated.
That's a great word.
I've got another word - debonair.
Yeah, yeah. That's a good word!
We're beginning to think alike, bruv!
- (RAQUEL YELLS) Derek!
- Coming! I'm on me way!
Look!
(DEL LAUGHS)
Good job I kept them, wasn't it?
- Have you seen it, Rodders?
- Seen what?
You know - our plane!
It's only a jumbo jet!
Well, they usually are. This is transatlantic.
Yeah. Transatlantic!
(TANNOY) Would all passengers
seated in rows 19 through to 40
- please come forward to board?
- Come on, Rodders, that's us!
- There's no hurry!
- Yes, there is! Come on!
The sooner we're on the plane,
the sooner old Biggles can take off!
Excuse me! What's your game, pal?
Come on, there's no rush!
Blimey, anybody would think
he owned the plane!
(MUSIC: "EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE
THE WORLD" BY TEARS FOR FEARS)
(TEARS FOR FEARS ON DEL'S STEREO)
Hey, hey! We've done it, Rodders!
- Done what?
- Eh?
- Done what?
- Joined the glitterati!
The glitterati?
Eh?
Take the headphones off!
Eh?
- Sorry. What?
- What do you mean, joined the glitterati?
Well, we have, ain't we?
We're transatlantic people now.
No more of that Costa Del Sewage for us, bruv.
- We're in the big time now!
- I suppose so.
Del, when we land in Miami,
before we go to any of the bars,
we gotta sort ourselves out
some transport and accommodation.
It's all taken care of. Alex, the travel agent,
faxed one of his people in the States.
So we're all fixed up! Ace!
I'll pay Alex when I get back.
I'll do it on me credit card.
- I've already done it.
- Good.
- What, on my credit card?
- Yeah.
That's what you were gonna do, wasn't it?
Yeah.
I've saved you the bother, bruvver!
This is your holiday
and I don't want nothing to mar it.
Thanks.
We're gonna live it up a little, ain't we?
Yes, but there are two kinds
of living it up, Del -
enjoying the freedom from the stresses of work,
filling the mind with new sights
and sounds, experiencing local cuisine,
even indulging in the gifts
of nature such as the sea and the sun.
- And then there's your kind!
- What exactly do you...?
There will be no women on this trip!
Can you be more pacific?
This holiday is not going
to be another Benidorm Revisited.
If I see just one bra hanging off
our car aerial, I'm out of there!
I'm not going to do anything like that!
I would never have even thought of it!
I don't know what goes on
in that mind of yours, you dirty little devil!
I'm gonna have a little nap.
Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive.
How does this go back?
(SMASHING GLASS)
(WOMAN) Look what you've done!
(DEL) Sorry about that!
(DEL) That will clean off. Ask for a cloth.
(WOMAN) It's dry clean only!
(DEL) That's just on the label to impress ya!
Give me a serviette and I'll do it!
# Hot town, summer in the city
# Back of my neck getting dirty, gritty
# Been down, isn't it a pity
# Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around me, people looking half dead
# Walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
# But at night it's a different world
# Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
The days can't be more like the nights
# In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city
# Cool town, evening in the city
Dressed so fine and looking so pretty
# I'm a cool cat looking for a kitty
# Gonna look in every corner of the city
# Till I'm wheezing at the bus stop
# Running up the stairs,
I'm gonna meet you on the roof top
# But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
# The days can't be more like the nights
In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city... #
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
- Hello, anybody here?
- (MAN) Hello! I'm in here!
Hi, how ya doing?
Our travel agent reckons
he's booked a car for us with you.
- OK. You guys on vacation?
- Yeah, a week's holiday.
No kidding? You come all the way
from Australia for a week?
No, we're not from Australia.
No, we are English.
You could have fooled me!
I won't hold you up.
I'll bring it round the front for you.
OK.
Hey, look at this!
- We'll have some of that, eh?
- Yeah, a nice little boat trip!
- Do us the world of good!
- Yeah!
Wotcha, America! This is going
to be a holiday to remember, innit?
You said it, bruv!
(RUMBLING ENGINE)
Here we go, Rodders!
- What the hell is this thing?!
- Have a nice day!
- And you!
- Thank you.
- What are we going to do with that?
- That is where we're going to live.
Alex recommended it.
The advantage is,
we don't have to stay in one spot.
We can move about a bit and it's cheap.
Del, there is no way I am going to spend
any time in this mobile ghetto with you!
You're not going to spend any time...
I was only trying to save you money,
and we won't be trapped, will we?
When we get to a campsite,
we can dump this and go walkies.
We could have booked a hotel! Oh, bloody hell!
I don't believe that I've got...
All right, on one condition!
What is the condition?
No curries!
All right, no curries.
Come on, then!
Let's go and see America! Hey, hey!
(LAUGHS)
Here we go, Rodders!
# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas
# Is the one I'm gonna see
# The Yellow Rose of Texas
is the only girl for me! #
- DEL!
- (MAN) You jerk!
You're on the wrong side of the road!
- They drive on the right-hand side over here!
- Oh, yeah!
# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas
is the one I'm gonna see!
# The Yellow Rose of Texas
is the only girl for me! #
Yeah, what is it?
All right.
Hey, Tony, Lurch, Gino, smarten up!
The Don's left the courthouse.
- Rico.
- Yeah, Pop?
Who are those goons in the car?
- Police surveillance, nothing to worry about.
- Nothing to worry about?!
I got cops outside my front gate!
What happened to my civil rights?
They kinda diminished
after they arrested you, Pop.
But you've been released on bail, so be happy.
Be happy (!) Be happy, huh?
One week from now, I got a jury
sitting in judgement on me!
I might spend the rest of my life in San
Quentin, and my son wants to throw a party!
What are ya, huh? What are ya?
I want to speak to my lawyer now!
Salvatore!
Salvatore...
Don Occhetti.
Salvatore...
- Haven't I always been good to you?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
- Haven't I done favours for your family?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
- Have I ever done you harm?
- There was that time when...
No, Don Occhetti.
So maybe this time, Salvatore can help me,
because I'm a little confused.
This is the way I read the situation.
- You're my lawyer, correct?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
Yet here I am looking at three
to four life sentences in the slammer,
so why the hell don't you get
off your ass and bury this rap?
- We have problems proving your innocence.
- Why?
'Cause you're guilty. When I say
"guilty", what I mean is...
- Guilty of what?!
- Kidnapping, drug-smuggling,
accessory to three counts of murder.
Just gossip!
Hmm... Maybe I made
a few mistakes in the past, you know?
Nobody's perfect!
You listen to me. When my father -
God bless that man's spirit -
when he arrived on these shores
from Sicily in 1930,
this was a land of democracy and law and order.
Now, he fought to change all that,
but look at us now, huh?
What have all his efforts amounted to, huh?
Zilch, that's what. Zilcho!
Salvatore, you call yourself
a lawyer? You're a schmuck!
And that goes for you, too, Rico!
If your mother was alive -
God bless her soul - she would disown you!
Come on, Pop!
I tell you this, Rico, I never thought I'd see
the day when a son of mine would stand back
and watch his own father
spend the rest of his life in the state pen
sharing meat loaf with the faggots!
If I go down, all the families will carve up our
empire like dogs fighting over a weenie-roast.
Every Marielito-punk from Little Havana
will want a slice!
And what about the Colombian?
- What Colombian?
- "What Colombian?" he says!
- What, are you a jerk, Salvatore?
- Just sit down, will ya?
Next week, Senor Vasquez arrives here
from Colombia to settle our little deal.
What do you think he's gonna do
if he thinks I've gone down the tube?
I'm getting very worried, Salvatore.
I'm getting very nervous about the future.
(BURPS)
Do you hear that? That's peptic gas.
That's caused by nervous exhaustion!
What happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions
of bribery, blackmail and intimidation?
This isn't the police.
This is the FBI. We can't pay those guys off.
The jury is locked in a guarded hotel,
the witnesses got 24-hour protection.
We can't reach anybody!
- Maybe I should do something, huh?
- You can't, Pop!
The police surveillance team is watching you.
They even got a TV camera crew
filming you for a documentary.
They're filming me?
Am I a common criminal or something?
Rico, take some money
from the family account and buy me the DA.
You buy me the judge, you buy me
the senator. People owe me favours.
- I want these favours returned!
- We've tried and had no takers.
It looks like people
are turning their backs on you.
That is a very impolite
and highly dangerous thing to do!
This is what I want you to do.
I want you to keep searching
and to keep thinking,
because somewhere, somewhere out there
lies the answer to my problems!
Look at the state of that!
You wouldn't go near that
unless you had all your own teeth!
They say that smoking's BAD for your chest (!)
(TANNOY) Miami
has been nicknamed "Cocainesville",
and the officers of Biscayne Bay
fight a year-round battle with drug runners.
On your left is the home of Barry Gibb,
lead singer of the Bee Gees.
- Rodders, look! There's a real live Bee Gee!
- 'Course it ain't!
- He's probably the gardener!
- It's him! It's Barry Gibb!
(DEL SHOUTS) All right, Bazza?
- Shut up! That's not him!
- It is!
(SHOUTS) How deep is your love,
is your love? How deep is your love?
I need all this (!)
I reckon you was right, Rodders. It weren't him.
- Most probably the gardener.
- Yeah? What did I say?
(DISCO MUSIC)
Come on, Rodney, bellies in!
I still think it would be better to drive
to the camper site now and book in first.
It's only quarter to eight. There's plenty of time
to get to the old campsite!
There's also plenty of time
for you to get drunk after we've booked in!
Get drunk? You enjoy
putting me down, don't you?
You think I'm just a one-dimensional
person. Well, you're wrong!
The only reason I want to go
into that club is to phone Raquel,
because I promised her
I would as soon as we arrived.
What's wrong with the public
call box over there?
You can't get a drink in there!
- Come on!
- What shall we do with our luggage?
Let's bring it with us and put it
in the middle of the dance floor
and boogie round it
like them sorts at the Nag's Head
when they have a disco with their handbags!
No need to be sarky!
What are you talking about, disco and boogie?
Del, I am not boogie-ing!
Keep your voice down!
We are ambassadors for our country!
We don't want people thinking
we're lager louts! Excuse me. Mais oui!
(DISCO MUSIC)
Hey, Juan! Over here, Juan!
When you're ready, son.
Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry,
but this club is for members only.
You what?
Sorry, signore, I did not realise it was you!
Please accept my deepest
and sincerest apologies!
I am honoured that you should choose
to visit my humble nightclub.
Please may I offer you a drink?
Yeah, we'll have a Cuba Libre
- and something non-alcoholic.
- Of course.
- We'll be sitting over there.
- I will be with you immediately.
(RICO) There's gonna be a war!
(SALVATORE) Maybe not.
The only thing that can prevent it
is if you find an alibi for my father.
I have to find your father nine alibis!
How the hell am I supposed
to do that in a week?
How can the Justice Department
do this? Don't they know who he is?
- Yeah, that's the problem!
- When the jury foreman says "Guilty",
the war begins.
Maybe not.
Do you think the rest of the families are gonna
pretend the old man is still in power?
- They're gonna go to war! Am I right?
- You're right.
- Tony?
- Right.
- Am I right?
- Maybe not.
You see?
There's gonna be a war!
- Signore Ricardo...
- Can't you see I'm in a meeting?
I would like to explain.
If I had know HE was coming tonight,
I would have arranged a private room.
If you'd known who was coming here?
Your father.
- My father.
- (PAULY) Is this some kind of joke?
Don Occhetti can't even get
to the john without the police tailing him.
But he is here! See for yourself!
Lovely jubbly! How much do we owe you?
Please! It's on the house. You are my guests!
- Would you like to eat?
- No, thanks. We had something earlier.
If there's anything that you should require,
as always, I am at your service!
Big mouth!
The grub would most probably be free an' all!
'Course it wouldn't!
Do you know what we're dealing with here?
- What?
- American hospitality! They're famous for it!
The most friendliest people in the entire world!
Come on! Come on! Yo, Gino, it's Tony.
Is the Don there? He's in the pool.
Can you actually see him?
Good! Dad's at home.
The guy over there ain't him!
Listen carefully. Tell my father
to stay in his room till I get back tonight.
Just... tell him I may have a surprise for him.
Tell you what...
- I'm boilin'!
- That's strange, that.
Here you are in a tropical climate,
wearing a worsted polyester blue serge suit,
- and you feel hot?
- Yeah.
Weird!
Hi!
How you guys doing?
All right. Yeah - great time.
Smashing, thank you.
Good. Let me guess. You're not local people.
(RODNEY) No.
(LAUGHTER)
(INDISTINCT)
Come on, one more. One more.
No, really. We're pushing our luck as it is.
No, he's right, Rico.
- Come on!
- You've got time for one more.
- Go on, then, one for the road.
- No, Del. Come on, mate.
The campsite will be shut
and we'll be locked out.
I didn't realise it was so late.
We've got to be going.
Well, Rodney... Del Boy!
Rico!
Thanks very much! It's been
really great meeting you guys!
Thanks a lot, and we enjoyed
your company and everything.
We've got to go.
See you later, yeah? Thanks a lot.
What a blinding night, eh, Rodders?
They were a nice bunch of blokes.
Well, they were absolute 42-carat diamonds.
We was drinking with them all night,
never had to put our hands
in our pockets, did we?
What's the matter? What's happened?
- What's the matter?
- It's all gone!
They've nicked it - our suitcases,
flight bags, duty frees - the lot!
I don't believe it!
I do not believe it!
I mean, we was only in there half an hour!
Well, four hours.
What's gonna happen?
How we gonna get home?
- Now, Del, don't panic!
- Eh?
Listen, I took the passports
and flight tickets in there with us.
Rodney, you are a saint, mate! You are a saint!
Well done! Where's the money?
- I left that in the van.
- You plonker, Rodney!
You told me to! And you told me
to leave the luggage in the back!
Why didn't you use your initiative?
I didn't even want to go in to that bloody club!
All right! Calm down!
Cor, stone me! I don't know...
How much money we got between us?
- What's that?
- 32 dollars, right?
What can we get for 32 dollars?
Mugged!
Hey! You two guys still here? Let me guess -
you decided to come back and have
that one for the road with us!
No, I wish we had, Rico.
No, we're thinking of going to the police.
- Why? You got a problem?
- Yeah, we've been robbed.
- You're kidding!
- No, I wish we was!
They broke into the van and took everything!
Oh, gee, that is too bad!
God, I feel so embarrassed!
You just arrive in this country and this happens?
What a welcome!
- It's just one of them things.
- What are you guys gonna do?
I don't know. We got no money,
no clothes, no duty frees, we got nothing!
We'll have to get the police to sort it out.
The cops'll do diddly squat!
They don't know their ass from first base!
But... Salvatore here's a lawyer.
Maybe he could talk to some
of his friends at the DA's office?
Yeah, first thing in the morning.
Could you do that?
That would be very nice of you.
- Wouldn't it, Rodders?
- Yeah!
In the meantime,
you two guys are coming home with me.
- Is this your place, Rico?
- It belongs to my family.
(DEL) Very nice!
(OPERA MUSIC)
What sort of business are you in, Rico?
(RICO) We're in insurance and imports.
(DEL) Imports and exports?
(RICO) No, just imports.
Well, this is it!
- Welcome!
- Thank you!
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
- Yo!
- Rico, I want you up here fast!
I'll be right up.
I'll show you to your guest suite.
Guest SUITE!
We've fallen on our feet here, bruv!
You see 'em?
And I heard 'em!
Why are you bringing Australians home?
They're two English guys over here
on vacation. They're in the guest suite.
Why are you bringing limeys
into my house?! I hate limeys!
We met 'em at the club.
Wait a minute... What are you doing,
picking up guys in bars?
Are you getting light on your feet?
Is there too much air in your Nikes?
These two bozos
could be the answer to your prayers.
One of them is a dead ringer for you.
Even Francisco thought he was serving you.
Look, I saw them on the security monitor.
I saw no similarity whatsoever.
He's much taller than me.
He's a thinner guy altogether.
No, the other one.
The squirty little dude with the polecat face?
Yeah.
I see, Salvatore.
Salvatore... this is your lucky day,
'cause I'm in a good mood!
I'm only gonna break ONE of your legs!
And 'cause you're a member of the family...
I'm gonna do it slowly!
Pop, it was dark outside.
You couldn't see him clearly!
- Tell him, Sal!
- It's true. He looks just like you.
Last year I went to the zoo and I saw a camel.
It looked just like your mother, but I didn't
invite it home and put it in the guest suite!
So there's a guy who looks like me!
What's the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is.
Imagine this guy dressed up in your clothes.
In MY clothes? Are you out of your mind?!
We dress the limey up in your clothes
and take him out to eat in a nice restaurant.
Now, while he's having lunch in full public view,
- somebody blows him away!
- This is something I do not advise!
Everybody will think
the other families have had you killed.
Don't you see what this means?
What?
Tell him, Sal.
In the eyes of America,
there will be no more Don Occhetti.
No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial.
No more trial equals no more prison sentence.
You sneak off to Rio for a few years,
long enough for your plastic surgery to heal,
and come back as Uncle...?
- Carlo.
...Carlo from New Jersey,
and take over the family business!
Rico...
...sometimes during my life I have
doubted that you were my child.
Sometimes I thought
that the hospital had screwed up
and given us the baby
of a family from Pittsburgh.
But I take it all back -
you are definitely my son!
It's brilliant! It's wonderful!
It also means one less limey in the world!
Two. His brother gets a one-way ticket also.
Have you had a butchers at the bog?
It's solid marble!
None of that stick-on gear
from the old DIY! This is the real McCoy!
Someone up there loves us!
Sh! I'm up to channel 49!
- How many channels are there?
- That's what I'm researching.
Good boy. I always said
you should be a scientist! Look at this!
It can't be bad, can it? Look at this!
Don't let the limeys call home.
No one must know about this address.
Lurch is cutting all the phones
except our business line.
As far as everyone
in jolly old England is concerned,
they've vanished off the face of the earth.
They can blame it on the Bermuda Triangle!
- Or the Twilight Zone!
- The Twilight Zone!
We have struck gold here, bruv.
We'll have to show Rico our gratitude -
get him a present or something.
Yeah, we'll do that. Hey, we've got no money!
Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid!
Blimey! We'd better phone in to HQ!
Raquel will be going spare!
Oh, the line's dead!
Well, do that.
Why?
That's what they do in American films!
Oh, yes!
No, it's still dead.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
There you go, Derek.
These are my... uncle's clothes.
He's about the same size as you.
Yes, well, thanks! Very nice!
Rico, I don't want to be a pain,
but Rodney's got nothing to wear.
No problem. A guy who works here
is Rodney's build.
He'll lend you some clothes.
(RICO) Lurch!
- Lurch? Saucy bark!
- Don't be so ungrateful!
Tell Gino to bring up some of his clothes.
Piece of cake, Rod!
By the way, the old dog's knackered.
- What?
- The phone's not working.
Oh, the telephone. A couple of days ago,
we had a tropical storm.
The whole area's out.
Don't worry, it will be back soon.
Get some sleep, because tomorrow
we go to my favourite restaurant.
- A day on the town!
- Lovely jubbly!
It's a nice little Italian joint.
The food is out of this world.
Believe me, Del, this place will kill you!
By the way, wear this suit and the chains.
It will make you look real business-like.
Ooh! Yes!
Of course, this is very me, this, Rico.
Of course, back home in England,
I'm a yuppy, ain't I, Rodney?
Yeah.
That's cool. Well, nighty-night.
(DEL) Nighty-night.
(ROD) Night.
He is such a nice bloke! They broke
the mould when they made him!
Yeah...
Look, Del, don't think
I'm getting paranoid or nothing,
but did you notice them really
tough couple of blokes by the gate?
Yeah.
- There was one downstairs an' all.
- Yeah. So what?
Well, it's most probably ridiculous...
You don't think that Rico might be...?
What?
- A noofter.
- A noofter? Him?! No!
He's Italian, ain't he?
You can't have an Italian noofter.
It's a well-known medical fact!
But they're all blokes!
That's because he's a man's man, ain't he?
I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney.
He's a little gold nugget!
Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney!
A little gold nugget!
In the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
- bless you...
- Reverend?
Amen.
Raquel, I'm glad I met you. I was going
to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone.
- Del? Del's in Miami.
- Miami? Oh, dear.
Excuse me for asking, but why
are you blessing a Romanian lorry?
I'm blessing the contents. Didn't Derek tell you?
No... Has this got something to do with Derek?
Yes, he did a time and motion study
of the blessing of the wine
and had the idea of doing it en masse.
Then I distribute it
to churches throughout England.
Oh, hell!
- Sorry!
- It's been a real money saver,
especially as Del sells it to us so cheap.
There's just one major problem.
It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling.
Romanian Riesling?
Yes. White wine. The communion wine is red.
- It represents...
...the blood of Christ.
Exactly! Churches are returning their cases daily!
You may be getting a call
from the Archbishop of Canterbury's office.
- Oh, God!
- That's what I keep saying!
We got some action. Give me that camera.
- Is it Occhetti?
- No, his son and one of the gorillas.
Wait a minute...
What do you reckon, then, Rico?
It fits like a dream, don't it?
Perfect, Del, just perfect.
There's a bloke over there with a camera.
Oh, yeah! All right, pal?
Who's that, then, Rico?
Who knows? Tourists, maybe.
I'm starved. Let's eat!
Yeah, and me. Lovely jubbly!
(MOUTHS)
- 29-30.
- (RADIO) 29-30 Q-S-K.
Occhetti and the boys have stopped
for lunch at Carlotti's restaurant.
(RADIO) One-three-two-five. Miami Q-S-L.
Don Occhetti.
- Doner-ketti to you, too!
- Doner-ketti!
I am so happy you have honoured me
with your presence here today.
On behalf of my family and myself,
I thank you deeply!
That's all right. Puskas, puskas!
I will prepare for you a table.
Would you like a drink at the bar?
Yes, thank you very much, signor.
I've got a diabolical thirst!
Excuse me.
Is everything to your satisfaction, signore?
Lovely! Blinding dumplings!
Signore?
Yeah, it's a lovely-looking cork, innit?
You're supposed to test the bouquet.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, yes! Lovely jubbly!
- Pour on, Macduff!
- Grazie, signore.
- Excuse me, Del, I gotta go to the john.
- Oh, right.
Do one for me, son, will ya?
I've got to go check the plumbing as well.
I've gotta go, too.
And me.
Hope it ain't catching!
Must have been them enchilados
they had last night!
- Cheers, bruv!
- Cheers, Del.
Any time now.
- How ya doing?
- Fine, thank you. Fine.
- We're just talking.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you're not interrupting.
Well, hurry up! Just do it!
Don't pick it up with your spoon! Use a fork!
Don't be stupid, Rodney!
It would roll off a fork, wouldn't it?
As I was saying, I've always had this gift.
Wherever I go in the world,
people always take to me!
You ain't been nowhere!
Fair enough, I ain't been nowhere,
but wherever I have been,
people have taken to me.
I mean, take this holiday.
All right, the first night we arrived,
we was ripped off, we lost everything,
but then I bumped into young Rico
and he took to me.
I don't know what it is.
People always like me and I don't know why!
It's got me bewildered an' all (!)
Rodney!
(THUD!)
I was saving this dumpling till last an' all!
Blimey! I don't know!
What's the matter?
It hardly touched the ground!
Anyway, the floor was clean!
Honestly! You and your hygiene!
- Del Boy...
- What?
Somebody just shot you.
Shot me? Don't worry, Rodders,
I'm feeling much better now.
- Del, look!
- What's wrong with you?
(GLASS SMASHES, WOMAN SCREAMS)
Bingo!
Gee, I hope that wasn't my dessert!
How can you joke at a time like this?
His father's just been shot!
Shut up, Lurch.
Oh, my God! Somebody call
an ambulance! Is he dead?
No, but it was bloody close, Rico!
A bullet come out of nowhere!
If he knew how to use a knife
and fork, he'd be a goner!
That's true. Absolutely! I was just
sitting there, eating me dumplings,
and then a bullet hits the back of me chair!
- You don't need it, son!
- No...
...you certainly do not!
(PHONE RINGS)
- Shall I get it?
- Please.
If it's anyone from the Church of England,
tell them I'm out.
Trotters Independent Traders, plc.
Yeah, it's me! Where are ya?
- Is it Del?
- No. Cassandra.
I'm at my hotel in Eastbourne.
- Have you heard from them yet?
- No, not yet, love.
I'm so worried! We don't
even know where they're staying.
Yes, we do. Raquel phoned the travel agent.
They hired a camper.
A camper? They could be anywhere!
- No, they found the camper.
- Thank God! Where?
It was abandoned in a car park.
Everything was gone -
luggage, passports, money, everything.
- Oh, God!
- Give me the phone!
You'll worry her to death,
you morbid old goat! Hello, it's me.
- Do you think Rodney's been hurt?
- Of course not! Del's with him.
You don't think he's been arrested,
do you? Oh, no! Del's with him!
There's bound to be a reason
for Rodney not calling.
- Like what?
- Well...
...Del's with him!
Here you are, chaps!
- Well done! Is this mine?
- Yeah.
The bloke who owns the bar
says he offers his deepest respect
and his loyalty is beyond question.
- That's very nice! Have I met him?
- No.
People keep offering me
their deepest respect and kissing me hand!
They're nice people, Del -
hospitable, salt of the earth.
They certainly seem that way, Rico.
Derek, you ever had a go on one of those?
- Have I had a go on one of those?
- 'Course you ain't!
Would you like to try?
It's no sweat. I know the owner.
What, me have a go on one
of those things? No, way, Pedro!
Come on, Del.
There's a first time for everything!
"No way, Pedro"?
You won't catch me on one of them things!
And I was always led to believe
that you Brits were a seafaring race (!)
We are! We gave you
the world's greatest sailors, pal!
We gave you Nelson,
we gave you Drake, we gave you Columbus.
(RICO LAUGHS)
But you're afraid of a few itsy-bitsy waves?
(LAUGHTER)
No, I'm not afraid, Rico.
I've got no reason to be afraid,
because I've got a 100-yards
swimming certificate back at home.
- Ain't I, Rodders?
- Yeah, he has.
All right, let's have a go.
- Are you sure about this?
- He who dares, Rodney!
We don't want them thinking
that us Brits are chicken, do we?
We certainly do not!
This one looks all right, don't it?
No, Del, this is the one.
Yeah, of course. That one is better.
Don't be shy. Straddle your weight evenly.
This is your start button.
This is the throttle.
Just remember, the faster you go,
the easier it is to stay up. Way to go, fella!
Yeah, cushty!
Here we go!
Look at that baby go!
Lovely, yes! Lovely jubbly!
I think that's far enough now!
- Did he say something?
- I didn't hear a thing.
Rico! The steering wheel's stuck!
The steering wheel is stuck!
Now the throttle's stuck!
Rico! I've got an iffy throttle!
He's going a long way out!
- Yeah, but he's enjoying himself.
- I know.
I'm just saying he's going a long way out.
Where are the brakes
on this bloody thing?! Gordon Bennett!
What a guy, huh?
- Yeah, he's certainly surprised me.
- Why's that?
Well, he can't even swim!
He said he had a certificate for swimming!
He has, but it ain't his.
Help!
Help!
(PILOT) We've begun our descent into Miami,
25 miles off the coast of Florida.
We'll soon be in Miami. Let's hope
it's better than Washington!
I liked Washington.
Not much of a beach though, was there?
We've been all down the east coast of America
- and you've done nothing but moan!
- I didn't moan in Atlantic City.
You was too busy gambling in the casinos!
- That's funny!
- What is?
There's a bloke on one of them ski-jets.
- So what?
- We're 25 miles off the coast!
He must know what he's doing.
(RICO) I'm calling to say that our
meeting can go ahead as scheduled.
Right, I forgot. You don't speak English.
Your... meeting... with... my... father
can... go... ahead...
...as planned.
Planned.
Si... Gracias. I look forward to meeting you.
Lovely jubbly!
"Lovely jubbly!"
Hi. How are you doing?
Fine. I just thought that might be news of Del.
No. I'll let you know if I hear anything.
You're not worried, are you?
No! It's just that he left
the beach at 11.00 this morning
and it's now 8.30 at night.
Your brother's one hell of a fun guy!
But can you have fun on a jet-ski
for nine and a half hours?
Del can! I bet he's in a nightclub
in Key West with some senorita.
He's wearing swimming trunks.
- They all do on Key West!
- Oh, it's like that, is it?
I see the phones are working again.
- No.
- I thought I saw you...
- It's a private line for business.
- Oh, I see.
How come that one's working
when all the others in the area are out?
Search me.
Could I use that phone for a minute?
No. I'm expecting
a very important business call.
Right. I just wanted to phone home
and tell 'em where we were
in case they was worried.
They don't need to worry, Rod. You're with us.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Well, I'll be in me room. If you hear anything...
You'll be the first to know. Goodnight.
Lurch is bringing the car round the front.
The tall one's starting to ask questions.
Looks like tomorrow we take him for a drive
and put him out of his misery.
One down, one to go!
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Good evening, sir.
Officer, is there any news of my father?
Yes, sir, and I'm afraid it's bad news.
Oh, God! Good God, no!
We fished him out three hours ago.
He's dead?
No, he's alive and well.
- What?
- That's what I mean by bad news.
See, we know what the plan was, Rico.
Daddy doesn't cherish spending
the rest of his life in the pen,
so he takes a jet-ski to a friendly yacht
and sails off into the sunset.
It couldn't work, Rico, for two reasons.
One - we're watching his every move.
We saw him leave,
then the coastguard had him on radar.
Two - he ran out of gas 35 miles off Cuba.
Am I glad to be back, Rico!
It was horrible out there!
I thought I was a goner! I don't
know what would have happened to me
if that police helicopter hadn't found me!
Why don't you go in the kitchen
and get yourself something to eat?
Thanks.
I could murder a pina colada!
Something's happened to his voice -
he sounds Australian.
We think it might be salt
on the vocal chords.
Oh, rest assured, officer, I got
something for his throat! Goodnight!
You limey turkey!
What have I got to do to get rid of you?
How much do I owe you?
They're with Mickey Pearce on the last round.
- You're joking!
- No, I'm not!
- You're worrying about nothing!
- They've been gone five days
and we haven't heard from them,
and you call that "nothing"?
I bet there's a simple explanation for it.
Maybe Dave's gone down to Brazil
to have a look at the forest.
You can't get more simple than that!
I mean, just look at that telly, Sid.
It's all bad news.
You're right. Nothing but bad news.
- It's all tragedies and disasters.
- Yeah, it's all gloom and doom.
I shouldn't have it on during happy hour really.
Funny about Del and Rodney, innit?
- They'll turn up sooner or later.
- Yeah.
I just hope the police catch whoever did it.
I must be off. Cheers, Mike.
Cheers, mate. Stay lucky!
- Have you heard from Cassandra?
- Yes, she's as worried as you are.
There's nothing to worry about!
A few years back,
my brother went to Portugal
and didn't contact us for three months.
His wife rang Interpol, my mum was going mad,
- but he turned up safe and sound.
- Where had he been?
Shacked up with some German tart.
- Shut up, there's a good boy!
- All right, so he was out of order,
but at least he weren't injured!
Which is more than people will say
about you if you don't shut it!
I've known Del a lot longer than you,
and he can be a bit forgetful,
especially if he's enjoying himself.
He's probably having the time of his life...
I'm not saying the right things, am I?
- No, you're not.
- Mickey's more comforting than you!
Here, Raquel! Look!
Hang on. I'll turn the sound up.
(TV) The Miami DA's office call
this man "Public Enemy Number One".
His web of vice and corruption
has spread across America,
and he's said to be the most
dangerous criminal since Al Capone.
There's Del and Dave!
"Public enemy number one"?
But he only left Tuesday!
- What's happening?
- The Colombians have landed.
They'll be here any minute.
I want everyone down here to greet 'em.
We need a show of strength -
let 'em know they're not dealing
with the Boy Scouts!
- No problem.
- Hey...
Where are the limeys?
Don't worry, I've taken care
of them. They're busy.
Whack it back to me, for Gawd's sake!
I'm trying to whack it back!
I'm no good at tennis!
No, really (?)
Anyway, what's the score?
I'm six sets up, aren't I?
No, you are not! You're about
two games up and it's my serve.
- No, it's my serve.
- You served during the last game!
I know, and I won, so it's my serve again.
No, it don't... Oh, I've had enough of this!
I'm going in!
Oh, just 'cause you're losing!
(GROANS WITH EFFORT)
You there, Rico?
Lurch?
Tony? Is anybody about?
(BURPS)
Mrs Trotter! Mrs Trotter!
- Cass? It's me, Rodney.
- Where are you?
- Are you all right?
- Steady on! Listen, we're both fine, right?
Come on, one of you jerks!
Hurry up and answer the phone!
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Hello? Battersea Dog's Home.
Woof! Ow-woo!
I've been so worried about you!
- Have ya?
- Yes!
They let me off the interview
on compassionate grounds.
So you could have come with me!
Not without the help of a fortune teller.
- I didn't know you'd go missing!
- I suppose not.
Rodney, where are you?
You're not in our room!
I wish you could have come.
They're such nice people.
Well, if you hadn't booked that week,
- I would have been with you.
- Del booked the tickets.
Del? No, he couldn't. He knew
I was in Eastbourne that week.
I suppose he thought...
What do you mean, he knew?
I told him about it over lunch,
so why did he book that week?
Isn't it obvious why? So he could
get a free bloody holiday!
Rodney!
Come on! Come out, come out,
wherever you are!
Rodney!
(DEL) Are you there, Roddy Woddy?
Oh, yes, this is very nice!
This is a bit of me, this is,
'cause I'm a Byzantine sort of bloke!
(DEL) Where are you hiding,
you little scallywag?
You git!
You rotten, conniving git!
You are the most selfish bastard
I've ever come across!
Do you know who I've just been talking to?
Cassandra! Hah! That's shaken you, ain't it?
You knew all along she wouldn't be
able to make this trip, didn't you?
You knew she had to go to Eastbourne
but you didn't tell me, did you?
You kept that well quiet so you
could come on this bloody holiday!
And where did you get
that stupid tracksuit from?
I don't want to hear none
of your excuses! Do not talk to me, all right?
Git!
You ain't sleeping in here!
Rico will have to find somewhere else for you!
- What's up with you, soppy?
- You know full well!
You knew Cassandra couldn't come
on this trip, because she told you!
Ah... now you come to mention it,
- she DID say something.
- But you planned it!
You booked it just so you could
come away with me on this holiday!
Now, listen. Please, calm down
a minute, will ya?
I'll try and explain everything to you.
See, the thing is that...
That wine deal of mine
has gone right up the pictures!
I had a phone call from Bucharest.
The first lorryload they delivered
was white wine!
I just didn't know what to do,
and you know me, don't ya?
There's only two things in the world
that worry me, and that is doctors
and, you know... gods.
I was frightened of being cursed!
So I thought, "If I come over here
to Miami, He won't find me."
That's the only reason I did it, honest!
I wanted to lay low for a spell.
Yeah, on my pension money!
Del, you are the most horrible,
dirty little... How did you get in here?
What do you mean, how did I get in here?
- How did you get in this room?
- Well, I came through that door,
it's a blinding invention (!)
I locked that door and the only...
How did you get changed so quickly?
I haven't got changed!
I've been in this all morning!
I don't understand this.
I was just talking to you outside.
You couldn't have done,
'cause I've been in the khazi en suite!
I just had a row with you on the landing!
You were wearing a pink and green tracksuit!
A pink and green track...?
Rodney, I want you to tell me
the truth. I won't be angry.
Have you... taken anything?
Have you smoked
one of them Jamaican Woodbines?
The only thing I've taken
is a load of cobblers from you!
Now, I was talking to you on that landing or...
Or what?
Or someone who looks like you.
Someone who looks like me?
You mean like a double?
- Yeah.
- Oh, dear.
(DEL TUTS)
You know what this means, don't you?
It means that you're a bigger
plonker than I thought you were!
Have a look for yourself! He's out there!
I will if it will shut you up, you little dipstick!
I don't know what the world is coming to!
I'm a prisoner in my own home,
and all because of those goddamn
sorry-assed limeys!
Boo!
Look, dippy! That's who it was!
Your reflection!
How can I have a row with a bloody reflection?
I've often had a barney with myself
when I've come home from a party!
(OPERA ON HEADPHONES)
I'm closing your account,
you lime-sucking bozos!
What do you want to do? Go and check it out?
I'll keep a look-out.
So you want to keep a look-out,
and you want me check the room, right?
- Yeah.
- Oh, cushty (!)
Do it yourself, Del! Go on, then!
I hate limeys! I hate limeys!
I hate limeys! I hate 'em! I hate 'em!
(SMASHING GLASS)
Senor Vasquez, my father has been
looking forward to meeting you.
So it is with me, too.
Del! Somebody's coming!
They're trying to kill me!
Fromage frais!
(APPROACHING VOICES)
- (RICO) You had a good flight?
- Oh, my Gawd!
The Colombians are here. This is Senor Vasquez,
and his associate, Senor Herrera.
I'll be next door if you need me.
Gentlemen.
Don Occhetti, I am honoured to meet you, sir!
Forgive me. My English, no good!
Bonnetti.
Bonnetti.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti!
- We bring the final... formation...
- IN-formation!
...information concerning
our business transaction.
Business... Cushty!
You will read, please?
What...? What is this exactly?
- It is the firmation...
- CON-firmation.
...confirmation regarding
delivery of merchandise.
Smashing! Smashing!
What sort of merchandise, is it, then?
Senor, it is the finest,
the purest, the very best...
...cocaine.
Coc...? Coc...?
C-C-C-Cocaine?
17 tonnes.
(MOUTHS)
It is on a yacht anchored off shore.
We wait... We await your instructions.
Don Occhetti, where delivery
of merchandise in the boat?
- Where? Where?
- Boat... delivery, yeah...
I'll tell you what, why don't you
deliver it tonight, midnight in...
Do you know Biscayne Bay?
Deliver the merchandise to Biscayne Bay.
Biscayne... Bay.
- Bees... gayne...
- Cayne.
Cayne.
- Cayne...
- Bay.
- Bay.
- Bay... Bay.
Biscayne Bay.
Is it safe? Safe?
Yes, the cocaine will be safe all right.
Someone there to meet us?
Ooh, don't worry,
there'll be someone there to meet you, yeah.
Good! Good!
(VASQUEZ) It is good to do business
with you. It is very good!
(RUNNING WATER)
Room, who...? Who?
Whom...? Whom?
- Whom room?
- Whom room? Um...
Whom is in there?
That is the bathroom...
and that's my girlfriend in there!
- What does he mean?
- Don Occhetti's senorita.
Oh, yes! Hey, senorita!
(GROWLING BURP FROM BATHROOM)
Yes, yes...
The senorita had a double helping
of chilli con carne last night.
I told her not to
but you know what they're like!
Cor, look at the time! I think that
concludes our business, gentlemen.
All right, then...
Thank you very much.
- Adios.
- A-ge-dos.
- We will peaking soon.
- We will peaking soon.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti!
Bonnetti! Bonnetti!
Didn't you hear me knocking? Rico
brought two blokes up to that room!
Rodney, we are in deep, deep shtook!
- This is Mafia country!
- Mafia?
Yes! Sh! Come over here.
- Sit down there.
- Just listen to me.
You know Rico, Salvatore and them
other guys? They're all Mafioso!
Remember you said you thought
you saw a bloke what looked like me?
Well, there IS one!
He's got a room down there!
His name's Don Occhetti
and he is the boss.
I'm telling you, Rodney,
this is Marlon Brambo time!
Yes! I just read a newspaper
down there.
It's all about him!
This Don, he's up for trial.
It looks like
he's well in the frame,
and he's gonna spend the rest
of his life in the nick!
- What for?
- Drug-running, kidnapping,
and three - you count 'em -
three murders!
That is what all this has been
about, Rodney, don't you understand?
They've been trying to kill ME!
Think about it - that accidental
stray bullet that whacked the chair,
the iffy ski-boat ride, eh?
Don't you see? If I go for a burton,
this Donald-whatever-his-name-is
won't stand trial and he goes free!
Aren't you just letting
your imagination run away with you?
I wish I was, Rodney, I wish I was!
Look at that, pal. Go on!
I've been down there
and just had a little tete-a-tete
with two Colombian drug barons!
Bloody hell, Del! He's a Mafia boss!
That's what I've been trying
to tell ya. Look at it!
- Oh, cosmic!
- Hmm?
Cos-bloody-mic!
I just roughed him up!
I have just roughed up a Mafia boss!
I called him a git!
- I called a Mafia boss...
- Pull yourself together!
...a git!
These are not the sort of people
you wanna spend your holidays with!
Rico can forget that present
we was gonna buy him!
- Let's get outta here!
- How?
- They're all downstairs!
- We'll go out the window!
Quick before I wake up with
a bloody horse's head on me pillow!
You first!
Go on!
Look at this!
- Mucho... very much!
- Hasta la vista!
Yeah. Send Rico up to me.
Tell him I want to talk to him.
There's something sharp up there!
How the hell did this happen?
I don't know, Pop.
The last time I saw it, it was fine.
Leave it. I'll get Lurch to do it.
- OK.
- Well, the Colombians seem happy.
Well, maybe they won't be so happy
after we've had our meeting.
- Show 'em up, Rico.
- Show 'em up?
- They just left!
- Left?
What the hell did they come all this way for
and then leave without talking to me?!
But I brought them in and...
How did you get changed so quickly?
I've worn it all morning. I've been working out.
Oh, God! The limey!
I'm in court tomorrow morning!
Rico!
- Do something, you stupid jerk!
- Don't worry, we'll get 'em back.
Are you enjoying the ride, boys?
Oh, yes, lovely, Miss Daisy!
- I don't believe this!
- This is supposed to be a getaway!
At this rate, we'll be done for kerb crawling!
- This is about as far as I go.
- Well, thanks for the lift.
Have a nice trip back to Australia!
- We're not Aussies, we're English!
- Leave it. She's old!
- (RICO) Sure it was them?
- Who else is running around here
dressed like Jimmy Connors?
Raquel, where have you been?
I've been to Royal Ascot (!)
- Where do you think I've been?
- Cassandra phoned.
- She's spoken with Rodney.
- Well, where are they?
They're in a millionaire's mansion.
A tropical storm knocked the phones
out so they couldn't call.
- When are they coming home?
- They fly home tomorrow.
You can stop worrying.
They're both safe and sound!
Come on, Rodney! Where's your stamina?
Bloody hell!
Help me out of here, Rodney!
- Come here!
- I can't!
Come on!
Gordon Bennett! What is that stuff anyway?
I think it's water hyacinth. I read
about it in my Greenpeace magazine.
Why's it floating on the water?
That's what it does. It grows on the water.
We must be in the Everglades.
Everglades? It looks more like a swamp to me!
Well, it is a swa...
Don't matter.
Rodney, just get me home, will ya?
Back to England's pleasant land
and those dark, volcanic mills!
Yeah.
Look, Del, let's just have a rest, eh?
We're safe enough.
Nobody could find us in here.
Look at me! Me hands are
all bleeding, me clothes are torn,
me arse is soaking wet!
- And you're still whining!
- Yes! It's all right for you!
If I get piles, you can have half of 'em!
Del Boy...
Shut up, Rodney!
You're getting on my nerves!
I want you to do something for me, Derek.
I want you to stand up
and very slowly walk away.
What is this? "Simple Simon Says"?
Very slowly walk away, Del.
We don't want to alarm it.
- Alarm what?
- That thing behind us.
That thing?
- That was a crocodile, Rodney!
- No, it weren't.
I can recognise a crocodile.
I've seen enough Tarzan films!
- That was an alligator.
- It's the same thing, innit?
No, they look alike and they're from
the same family, but biologically...
- Do they eat ya?
- Yeah.
It's the same thing, then!
Who the hell let it out?!
No, they live here in the Everglades.
"They"? Do you mean to say
there's more than one of 'em?
Yeah, but don't panic!
It's very rare to see them during the day.
They're a nocturnal animal.
Are you trying to tell me that come teatime,
there'll be millions of the gits?!
Yeah.
I just don't believe it!
I've got to be honest with you, Rodney,
I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't
come on this holiday with you!
Don't you blame me!
I did not invite you, Derek, you invited yourself!
(DRONING ENGINE)
Listen to that!
(RODNEY) It's a boat! We're saved!
Get down, Rodney! It could be the Mafia!
What would they be doing on a boat?
Water-skiing (!) What do you think?
Look, Marlene, an eagle!
That's not an eagle, it's a heron!
Well, it's a big bird, anyway!
- Uncle Rodney!
- Listen to him! Uncle Rodney (!)
The imagination these kids have!
Yes, right. Let's take some photographs.
Marlene... Just for a moment there,
I thought I saw...
Gordon Bennett!
It's Del and Rodney!
Ooh-ooh! Del!
- Boycie!
- Get over here, quick!
What are YOU doing here?
I forgot to kiss you goodbye
at Gatwick! Get that boat over here!
Wayne, get over there!
All right, Del?
Triffic, sweetheart (!)
- Come on, Rodders! Let's go!
- You smell like a vegetarian's fart!
- At least I haven't been burgled!
- It's a joke! Now, let's get going!
Right, Wayne. Let's go!
Rico, please consider your actions carefully
before you do anything you might regret!
OK, I'll consider it!
(DEL) Duck!
(BOYCIE) Why?
- (GUNSHOT)
- (DEL) That!
(BOYCIE) Get a move on!
Did you hear that, Curtis? Some
jerk's out there loosing off lead!
(BOYCIE) Everything was going well.
We were having a lovely holiday,
then THEY turn up, and within 15 seconds,
some sod's shooting at us!
(MARLENE) You've done nothing
but moan since we left Washington!
(BOYCIE) Get that bloody boat in,
for Gawd's sake!
Rodney, hang about a minute.
Rodney, let's go home.
Del, our plane don't leave till tomorrow night.
I know, but we can sleep at the airport.
At least we'll be that much closer
to dear old England!
Give us a lift to the airport, Boycie!
(WOMAN) Last night,
coastguards from Biscayne Cove
boarded a Colombian yacht
and found 17 tonnes of cocaine.
Wanted drug baron Alberto Vasquez
was taken to Miami Police Central
for questioning by FBI agents.
The tip-off for the drug bust came
when delivery details were left
in a park ranger's office.
The big story today - in Miami Superior Court,
Don Vincenzo Occhetti,
head of the most powerful
Mafia family in America,
was found guilty of drug-running, kidnap,
and three counts
of conspiring to commit murder.
He was given six life sentences.
Ricardo Occhetti was arrested yesterday
for illegal hunting
in the Everglades National Park.
Police are looking for two Australians
who may be able to assist them in this matter.
Welcome home, boys!
# Hot town, summer in the city
# Back of my neck getting dirty, gritty
# Been down, isn't it a pity
Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
# All around me, people looking half dead
# Walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
# But at night it's a different world
# Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
# The days can't be more like the nights
# In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city
# Cool town, evening in the city
# Dressed so fine and looking so pretty
# I'm a cool cat looking for a kitty
Gonna look in every corner of the city
# Till I'm wheezing at the bus stop
# Running up the stairs,
I'm gonna meet you on the roof top
# But at night it's a different world
# Go out and find a girl
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
# The days can't be like the nights
# In the summer, in the city
# In the summer
# In the city
# Hot town
# Hot town... #