Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 5 - He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle - full transcript

Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit out of breath.
I've just been doing me physical jerks.

Oi, Gazza. Come here.

Don't you tell her Rodney's still in bed
sleeping off another hangover, will ya?

What d'you take me for?

Give me five minutes,
and I'll write out a list!

Alright, Cassandra.
I'll tell Rodney you called as soon as he gets up.

- I don't believe you!
- I mean in! I mean in!

Tell Cassandra I'll phone her later.
I've gotta get this stuff in the freezer.

Raquel says she'll call you later.
Oh yes, she?s alright.

I mean, women like being
pregnant, don't they?

And how you feeling?
Good. Me? Oh I'm alright.



I've just joined the over-sixties club
down on the estate.

Given me a new lease of life, it has.

Eh? Well, yes, there are women there,
but I'm not interested in all that.

No, like a squirrel
ain't interested in nuts!

I used to be a bit of a Casanova in my younger days.
I could tell you a tale or two, Cassandra!

During the war... Eh?

There's someone at your front door,
is there?

Oh well? Bye for now, Cassandra.
Bye, love.

Mrs Lane, or may I call you Dora?
May I have the pleasure of this next dance?

Thank you.

Oh my God!

What time d'you call this, Rodney?

I call it 11.30, Unc.
What time d'you call it?

It's disgusting. A young man like you
getting up at 11.30 in the morning.



Your brother was up and out of here
at 7 o?clock.

Then he came back
and took Raquel out shopping.

Yes, that?s because Del has got
a job to go to and money-earning opportunities.

And he's got a woman in his life!
What have I got, eh?

I've got no job to go to
I?ve got no wife to say good morning to.

You might be a bit more chirpy
if you didn?t wake up with such a hangover!

I have not got...

I have not got a hangover!
I am fine! There's nothing wrong with me.

Cassandra phoned.
Just wanted to know how you were.

You didn't tell her, did you?

No, I said you were alright.
She just wants your cheque towards the mortgage.

Yeah, well, I'll sort that out.

- Morning.
- Morning, Rodney.

That reminds me, sweetheart.
The video shop's got Nightmare On Elm Street in.

Albert's just been talking to Cassandra.
She just wanted to know how I was.

He didn't tell her, did he?

No, he said I was all...
What d'you mean, he didn't tell her?

What?s the matter?
You alright, sweetheart?

Yeah, I'm OK. A backache, that's all.
It happens every time we go out in your van.

It's just not very comfortable,
specially in my condition. I'm alright now.

No, no. Listen to me, sweetheart. I?ll te?

You leave the shopping.
I will continue with the shopping.

You go and have a sit down.
Go on, that's an order!

Aye, aye, sir.
Don't forget to deliver our birthday present.

- Whose birthday is it?
- It?s Boycie's little kid. Anyway.

You see, that three-wheeled van
wasn't designed for pregnant women with shopping.

She's getting bigger by the day.
She's already been banned from the Body Shop.

If I could just get the engine to run
a bit smoother, I?m sure that would help.

I've told you, they stopped
making spares for that van years ago.

I've tried everywhere. Breakers' yards,
spares shops, archaeologists.

Archaeologists?

Listen to me, Rodney. Talking of archaeologists,

you look as though you've just been
dug up from somewhere.

Why don't you take a leaf out of
your uncle's book. Look at him.

He?s in there, he's joined the over-sixties club
and looks like a born-again teddy boy.

You're not suggesting
I join the over-sixties club?

No, they wouldn?t have you.
You look too old.

There's been another mugging
on the estate.

You don't want to believe all you read, Raquel.
A lot of that is exaggerated, you know.

If I got my hands on them,
I'd string 'em up from the nearest lamppost.

Listen to you. It's nearly the 21st century
and he still wants to hang 'em up by their neck.

Who said anything about hanging them up
by their neck?

They better not try anything on me.
I used to box for the Nuggets.

Will you sit down,
you soppy old sod?

You?ll have my clap as you want it
on the floor in a minute.

Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
How can I help you?

Oh it's you Marlene!

Yes, I'm going out to get Tyler?s
birthday present in a minute!

Marlene, I'm trying to run a business here.
If you remember, I sell quality used cars!

D'you want me to take that
old banger down the scrap-yard?

- If they'll take it!
- I'll get me coat.

A baby grand?

Well, of course I want him to be cultured,
but for God?s sake, Marlene, he's only two!

I don't give a toss what
Beethoven could do when he was three!

Tyler should start off in a smaller way.

Alright Marlene. Leave it to me.
I'll surprise you.

Where can I get a mouth organ from?

Thank you for calling Boyce Autos
and Car Accessories. How can?

Oh, it's you Del Boy!
How's your luck?

Couldn?t be better Boycie.

Business is so good
there aren't enough hours in the day.

I'm thinking of taking on extra staff.

Yeah, 'taking on' being the operative phrase!

Rodney, why don?t you do something useful,
like go back to bed, son!

Hello, Boycie, listen, we've got
a birthday present for the ankle-biter.

Cheers, Del. We're gonna have a little celebration.
Just a few dear and close friends.

I suppose you and your family could come
along as well if you like.

Thank you, that?s very nice of you Boycie.

Listen, d'you reckon you could get one of your
mechanics to have a look at my van?

I know just the bloke.
He had a family bereavement recently.

He could do with a good laugh.

Sorry, Del. I just think it?s about time
you got yourself something more powerful.

- Like what?
- I don't know. A food mixer?

Very gunny Boycie, but that little van
does everything that I need it to, don?t worry.

Keep the van for business.
I'm talking about a second car.

I've been hearing about all this crime
that?s been occurring on your estate.

Don?t you think it?s gonna be safer for your Raquel
to be driving rather than walking?

That?s a point Boycie,
I?d never thought of that.

Yes. I mean, a man in your position?

I mean, you need something
that?s gonna reflect your image.

I've got a lovely Skoda out in the showroom.

Two years old, 8,000 miles on the clock, genuine.
You can have it for two and a half grand.

Two and a half grand is a little bit
out of my price range, Boycie.

- What is your price range?
- 400 quid.

400? You can't get a walking frame for 400!

Just a moment, Del.
Your luck could be in.

I got a cracking little sports coupe,
came in as a part chop on a Honda Prelude.

Beautiful bodywork, sound engine,
really nice little runner.

It just need a bit of a clean-up,
that's all. I was looking for a grand.

But, seeing as it's my son's birthday
and you're a mate, I'll let it go for 400.

Cushty! I'll pop down and take the butcher's at it
later then, Boycie. Alright?

- Alright. Cheers, Del.
- Bye.

I'm off then to scrappy.
Are these the keys?

There's been a change of plan!

- What d'you think, Rodney?
- I don?t know!

She'll be putty in my hands.

Rodney, you?ll never guess what?
I've only bought a new car! Gordon Bennett!

Albert, I thought it was Simon Le Bon!
What are dressed up like that for?

I'm playing the over-sixties dominos final
down the Nag's Head, against old Knock Knock later.

So you've got a new car?

Yes, a cracker. Raquel's just driven it back.
It's a beauty, innit, sweetheart?

- D'you want a cup of tea, love?
- Yeah, I need something, Albert!

So you're a two-car family now, then!
Well, one car, one three-wheeled van.

Which is one car and three-wheeled van
more than you've got! Or ever likely to have!

I wouldn't be so sure about that, Derek.
Bound to be a job in here for me somewhere.

You'll have to come up with a good excuse
before you get a job, son.

I mean, how you gonna explain away them
10 years when you were Del's partner?

Albert's got a good point, Rodney. In all of those 10 years
you weren't registered for income tax,

national insurance or anything!

Your work record shows that you left school at 16
and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth.

I've already thought of that.

I'm gonna say I was working
for a foreign oil company in Saudi Arabia.

What, straight from school?

One minute you're a milk-monitor,
the next minute you?re a petrochemist?

No, sorry bruv, that won't wash.

Couldn't you say you'd been on safari?

- What, for a decade?
- You could say you got lost.

A friend of mine went out with a guy who'd spent
12 years working for a safari company in Kenya.

That's stupid, Raquel!

Well, it's better than
your paper-round-in-Arabia cobblers, innit?

Have you ever thought
of joining the navy, Rodney?

Well, funny enough, Unc, no!
How can I join the navy?

Exactly. In the old days they used to take anyone.
I mean, let?s face it, they took you!

But nowadays you've gotta have qualifications.

What chance has
Lawrence of Peckham got, eh?

I don't mean the Royal Navy.
I was talking about the merchant.

Just think of it, Rodney. Imagine.
Monday, you sail out of Southampton Water.

Tuesday, you're through to the Bay of Biscay.

Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent.
Thursday, you dock in Algiers...

Friday it's your turn in the barrel!

There was nothing like that on any of my vessels!

A few funny ones but nothing like that!
Well, what d'you reckon, Rodney?

If it's all the same with you, Unc,
I think I'll take a raincheck on this one.

You don't know what you're missing.

That suits me!

Del, I've been thinking.

Trotters Independent Traders has been going through
a period of commercial augmentation.

No, I've been doing alright, Rodney.

I was thinking, things must be getting
pretty hectic for you on the old business front?

Straight, Rodney.
It's one power breakfast after another, it is.

Yeah. I suppose it ain't all champagne
and backgammon for you yuppies, is it, eh?

I heard you saying earlier that you were
thinking of taking on more staff.

So, seeing as I am temporarily between positions
and if the conditions are acceptable

I am willing to work for you.

No way, Pedro!

Look, I've got all...
No way, Pedro?

I don't need you, Rodders.

I could be very useful to
you during this period of growth!

How?

Well... I'm a good salesman.

Leave it out, Rodney,
you couldn't sell a black cat to a witch.

- Yeah, but now I've got managerial experience.
- No.

- I could computerise your entire business!
- No.

- I have got executive qualifications.
- No.

Can you lend us a fiver, then?

A fiver? I didn't realise
things were that bad, Rodney.

And you want to be
my financial advisor?

I'll be anything!

I'm desperate, ain't I?

Alright Rodney, I?ll tell you what. I will give you a job
with Trotters Independent Traders PLC.

Fine... And what wage structure
will I have?

Wage structure? I don?t know.
The same as before.

Good! So, what was that, then?

If I've got cash on the hip I'll pay you.

And what title will I have?

Well, we'll call you Lord Rodney.

I meant, company title! See, I was thinking you could call me
your director of commercial development.

Yes, alright. That sounds very good to me.

Alright then son. As it says in the Bible,
'Clothes maketh the man.'

- So I want you to whip round your flat a bit lively.
- And pick up my best suit?

No, pick up your car-cleaning gear.

What d'you reckon?

- How much d'you reckon I paid Boycie for it?
- What, he charged you?

I stole it off him, Rodders.
400 nicker.

It's a peach,
it handles like Maradona.

Oh, Del. Look at the paintwork!
It's got no shine to it!

By the time I've finished it?ll look brand new.

Listen. I?ve been meaning to ask you something..
It's a little bit embarrassing.

- I'm not cleaning it!
- You bloody well are!

Oh no! The days when I used to do
all your dirty work are long gone!

I used to run my own computer section Del!
I was an executive!

And now you're cleaning my Capri Ghia!
You seem to forget, Rodney, you are my employee!

Since you left Cassandra and your job,
you?ve been eating and sleeping in my flat for nix!

If you wanna hand in your resignation
that is alright by me.

I'll help you find a little bedsit.
I'll even give you a little leaving present.

A paraffin heater and a mousetrap.

- Alright, I'll clean it!
- Are you quite sure about that?

- Yes.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm most grateful.

Look at that lot, over there
It looks like the Tetley Tea folks' day out, dunnit?

Albert's looking very smart.
He must be after one of the ladies.

I wonder if it's old Lil with the hairy wart?
Or is it the Widow Manky with the disposable teeth?

You should have more respect, Mike.
Those women went through a war for us.

Yeah, you can still see the
bomb damage on some of 'em.

It?d be lovely if Albert could meet some nice old lady
to keep him company. D'you know who he's after?

- Yeah. Your mum.
- My mum!

Yeah, that?s right. Him and his mate
are after sorting her out.

- I'm not having this!
- No, but if your mum plays her cards right!

Mum! I want a word with you!

Yeah, alright, Marlene,
talk to you in a minute.

Can I get you a drink, Dora?
You don't mind me calling you Dora, do you, Dora?

- Of course I don't mind, Albert.
- I just got Dora a drink.

Why'd you let Knock-Knock
get you a drink? It was my turn.

- You can buy me a drink in a minute.
- Yeah, alright.

- How'd the kid's birthday party go?
- It was very successful, thank you Trigger.

All the right people were there,
and Del and Albert turned up.

Thank you very much, Boycie. Thank you.
Now that he?s gone, who?s for another one, then?

Them over by the juke box.
The morons from outer space. Who are they?

I don?t know, Del. They've been using the pub
for about two weeks now.

Yeah, I know.
I didn't think they were regulars.

But, like I say, I don't know nothing about them.
I think they?re friends of the old mongrels down there.

Ollie! Just a minute,
come here son, will you?

What you want, Del?

You see that gang over there by the jukebox?
D?you know anything about 'em?

They started coming in here about a fortnight ago.

Have they been hanging
round the estate at night?

Yeah, couple of times.
D'you want me and the boys to beat 'em up?

- No, no!
- Oi, I don't want no trouble in this pub!

- What you drinking, Albert?
- I'll have a large navy rum, dear.

Puts lead in your pencil!

- Well, there's a thing.
- Get old Knock-Knock a drink, will you?

I'll have a pint of ordinary. dear.

Why'd they call him Knock-Knock?

- Because he's a very bad dominoes player!
- I'm a better player than you, Trotter!

- You've never beaten me at dominoes in all your life.
- I can beat you at anything.

Even when we was at school
I could beat you at anything!

Now, come on boys, calm down.
Start acting like grown-ups!

- I had to laugh to myself tonight, Del.
- Did you, Trig?

Why, something happened?

I was walking across the estate
past the garage block.

It was 7:30 at night, pitch-black,
and there's Dave polishing an old banger!

It takes...

Oh my God! I forgot all about my director
of commercial management!

You left him cleaning your car at night?

I?d forgotten he worked for me!

- What's Albert and Knock-Knock playing at?
- Dunno, looks like Ninja dominoes.

- What you drinking, Boyce?
- Give him a large navy rum.

Look at my clothes!

I told you to wear your
car-cleaning gear, didn?t I?

A director of commercial development does not wear
stonewashed Wranglers and Doc Martens!

He does when he's cleaning
the guv'nor's Capri Ghia!

- And I got Swarfega in me eye!
- Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.

Yes, that?s when my hand
went straight through the bodywork!

I'm bleeding, see! That?s blood!
You got any plasters, Mike?

What d'you mean,
your hand went straight through the bodywork?

There's a big rust hole in the wing.

Boycie's blokes had filled it full with newspaper
and filler and then sprayed over it.

That is slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened
before I took possession of the vehicle!

- They were yesterday's newspapers!
- Were they really?

Look, you took the car as seen, Del!
I don't owe you no favours.

That's a bit unfair, Boycie?

What about that 36-piece tea service
he sold Marlene last month?

Yeah, that came in very handy. I gave it
to the Boy Scouts' fete for their rifle range.

- That was genuine Dresden!
- Yeah, genuine antique Dresden!

And it was guaranteed
dishwasher-proof!

I'll do it, Rodney.

I don't believe him sometimes!

I don't know how he can ask me,
with my executive qualifications

to go round to the garage block
and clean the Pratmobile!

Don't you let Del hear you call it that!

What about that very important client
I had come over from Belgium?

I wanted two tickets to Wimbledon
so I could impress him.

You said, "Leave it to me Boycie,
I gotta contact to Wimbledon".

I got you two tickets, didn?t I?

That's right! They drew 0-0 with Ipswich!
That makes us even!

No way, Pedro!

I'll see you later, Del.
I'm going round Jevon's.

What would you like, Dora?
How about a large snowball?

- Oh, lovely!
- Mike, large snowball for Dora.

- That's better. Alright, sweetheart?
- Yeah, I'm fine now.

Cushty. I'll pick up my Capri Ghia
in the morning.

I?ll get my director of commercial
development to drive the van back.

- Del, I don't wanna nag.
- Good. I?ll put a record on.

Can we afford to splash out 400 pounds on another car?
I mean, do we really need another car?

Yes, we do! You see the reason why I thought...

Look, just because the van gives me backache
was no reason for you to buy another car!

No, I know, but listen you?ll see. There is a very...

It's a waste of money. You do realise
we've got a baby on the way, don't you?

Yes, I do, little things do remind me.
You just shut up and listen for a minute, I?ll explain.

It's a very dangerous world out there, Raquel.

And I don?t want you walking
down to the shops or the launderette.

I want you to drive. That way you'll be safe and sound.
D'you understand what I?m saying?

- Is that why you bought it?
- Yes.

- Aren?t you lovely?
- Yes!

- I love you, Trotter.
- Do you?

Well, you're only human, aren?t you?

Fancy a cup of tea?

Del! It's Albert!

- What about Albert?
- There's no need to panic, alright?

- What's happened to Albert?
- He's been mugged!

- He's been what?
- Is he hurt?

I don?t know. But he has got double vision.

- Where's this happened, Rodney?
- In his eyes.

I don?t mean...

Oh sorry, yeah! As he was walking
home from the pub.

I was just coming back from Jevon's and I saw this
ambulance, a crowd of people around him.

- Did he recognize anyone?
- No. All he knows is there was four of them.

Look, they?ve got him down the hospital.
Come on, let?s go.

Alright sweetheart, you don?t worry.
We?ll sort it out, alright?

Dipstick. Rodney!

He's just gonna put some clothes on,
and then we?ll go.

They said he might be
suffering from shock for a few days.

You just wait 'til I get my
hands on the bastards what did it.

Then you'll see what a state of shock
really looks like!

Now, you stay out of it! The police
can handle this perfectly well on their own!

I don't need the Old Bill!

People in this area are used
to sorting their own problems out.

It's traditional. I remember once
when I was about 10 years old,

mum had some of her jewellery nicked by this
good-looking Italian bloke.

He wasn?t good looking after
my Dad had finished with him!

But how could you be
certain he was guilty?

Because of the evidence, Rodney.

Dad found one of Mum's earrings
on the back seat of this bloke's car!

- It's alright, Unc. Just the door.
- Stay there. Calm down.

- I just came round to see how Albert was.
- He's not too good at the moment.

Come in.

I heard what happened to Albert.
How is he?

He looks bloody horrible, don?t he?
They stole his watch, his wallet, everything.

I know. How you feeling, Albert?

I?m a bit bruised, dear.
I was jumped on by five of 'em.

You just keep?
Five of them? I thought it was?

Rodney, why don?t you make Cassandra
a nice cup of coffee?

In the kitchen?

In the kitchen!

Shall we go and make a cup of coffee?

Apres moi la deluxe,
as they say in that Latin quota.

So you're working for Del again?

Yes. That wasn't an easy decision.

I had lots of offers from local companies,
you know what these headhunters are like.

Well, no, not really.

Del asked me to be his director
of commercial development.

Seek out new openings,
find gaps in the market.

And if the gap doesn't exist,
create one?

Yeah, that sort of thing.
So I thought, that'll do me, lovely jubbly!

I tell you, it is pressure all the way.
I'm never off that phone.

You've cut your finger!

Yeah, Del got me to clean
his car yesterday and...

I just did it as a favour. I don't know if you?ve noticed
his new car parked downstairs. The green Pratmobile.

- Does he know you call it that?
- No. I don't think he'd be too pleased.

So things are going well?

Yeah. We're into property development,
theatre...

Toilet rolls.

That's just the direct retail sales branch of the company.
We've got contacts in the City!

What, the White City?

There's no need to laugh at us, Cass!

I'm not laughing at you, Rodney!
I'm just trying to break the ice!

So, how's our flat?

Much the same as when you left it.
I wish I could say the same about you!

What's that mean?

You've changed!
You're getting more like Del.

You're full of front and bullshit, Roddy!
You're even wearing the same clothes as Del.

These suits happen to be a new line
we're selling, that?s all. These are Romanian.

We just wear them to let the punter know
what they look like.

D'you think that's wise?

We do know our market, Cassandra!
And I am not getting like Del!

You are, Rodney.

Look, you're even wearing
a Del Boy starter kit!

Del told me to wear this because...

Understand one thing, Cass!

- I am not getting like Del! No way, Pedro!
- No way, Pedro?

- Look, I'm very busy, Cassandra.
- Yeah, well? I?ll see you, Rodney.

- No, I didn't men it like that.
- Goodbye!

I'll give you a bell during the...

Alright, it's only me!
I was just putting the security chain on.

No one can get in. You?re safe now.
You alright?

- Yeah, I'm alright, son.
- What are you doing then, Unc?

I?m just looking through in me old box.

See that? That's where I was born.
Tobacco Road, down by the docks.

That's the front of Tobacco Road.
There's your nan - there's your granddad.

He'd just joined the army,
doing his bit for king and country.

- Why?s he got a vest and plimsolls on?
- Well, he'd just deserted.

Albert, tomorrow, would you like us
to take you back to where you were born?

Ain?t there any more, dear.
They knocked it down.

- That film you wanted to see is coming on in a minute.
- Oh thanks.

- What film's that, then?
- ?Out Of Africa?.

Not another documentary about AIDS, is it?

No, it's a film with Robert Redford.

Did I ever tell you about
the time I was in Africa?

- Yeah, thousands of times!
- No. Why, what happened Albert?

?Well, during the war??

During the war
I was on this hospital ship.

We'd just picked up some of the
wounded from Monty's North Africa campaign.

We dropped 'em off in Durban.
I helped some of them lads off the ship.

It was tragic to see some of them, bloody tragic.
I cried for 'em... Daft, eh?

There's nothing to be ashamed of.
I cried when me mum died.

But you were only 16.
I was a full-grown man.

I shed a little tear or two, didn?t I,
when Rodney got married and left home.

I cried even more when he come back!

The most frightening thing
in all my life happened while I was in Africa.

We docked in Durban, and a couple of black blokes
came out and asked me and my mates

if we wanted to go out and see the jungle.
We jumped at the chance.

- You're like that when you're young, ain't you?
- Oh yeah, we've all done it, haven?t we?

So we got up in this open lorry
and went off.

And after about two hours the undergrowth
got thicker and thicker.

Deep in the heart of the jungle. Anyway.

Somehow or another I got cut off
from the rest of the party

and found meself in this clearing.
I just started to retrace my steps

when I heard a noise.

I looked around and standing there
was the biggest lion I've ever seen.

You need all that, don?t you?

I looked at him, he looked at me.
We just stood there looking at each other.

Then suddenly he went ?aaaargh!?

- Cor blimey, Albert!
- What?s happening?

- Are you alright?
- Oh, yeah!

I did a very childish thing.

I wet meself!

A full-grown man and I wet meself.

Alright, alright Unc!
Nothing to be ashamed of!

Any bloke would have done the same thing
coming face to face with a man-eating lion!

I don't mean when I was in the jungle.
I mean now, when I went ?aaargh!?.

I don't believe it!

We?ve got a change of clothes
in the airing cupboard.

- Alright? How's Albert?
- He's not his old self.

- Oh good!
- What do you mean, ?good??

- It was just a joke.
- I bloody well hope it was, and all!

Alright, keep your hair on.

- No, no, no!
- What?

Nothing. Nothing, sorry. Nothing.

So he's no better then?

No, he hasn?t been out for ages.

The doctor said he should try to get back
to normal life, you know.

That's right. I was there.
You know, I reckon the...

I reckon the problem is, right?

You are being very kind and considerate.
You're being patient, understanding.

Well, that?s not normal, is it?

What do you want,
a doughboy round the ear, Rodney?

Ah, now you see, that's normal!
D'you see what I'm getting at?

Well, this flat is all hurly-burly,
people shouting and arguing at each other.

We don?t mean any harm
it's just the way we are.

But now we're treating Albert
with kid gloves.

If it goes on much longer,
he'll start using that as the normal.

Then when we go back to the real normality
he?ll go back into shock again.

You reckon we ought to toughen up on him?

The gently, gently approach don't work.

- I can't be hard on him, Rodney.
- Nor can I! But...

We?d be doing it for him, wouldn?t we?

Otherwise Del, believe me,
he?s gonna take root in this flat.

Yeah... maybe.

Here you are, Unc.

No, no son. I'll sit over here.

Alright if I have a brandy, Del?

Yeah, that?s alright. I?ll get it?.
No, no, you know where it is, go on! Help yourself!

We've got a very very busy day
ahead of us tomorrow, Del.

Yes, yes, we have, haven?t we Rodney?

So we won't have any time to go down the Pakis
to get any shopping, will we?

We can't expect Raquel to do it, can we?
Not in her condition.

- We certainly can?t.
- So it must...

So, what are we going to do then?

Well, we?ll have to send Albert down the shops.
Albert, you'll have to go down to the shops!

- Me? I can't go out there, Del.
- Yes, you can!

I don't feel really up to it yet, Del.

You go down there
and get them fish fingers.

You listen to me. Rodney and I
are very busy at the moment,

?cause Trotters Independent Traders
are going to a phase of commercial augmentation.

And with Raquel dropping her chavvy.

I mean, we don?t want any lame ducks.

?Cause you?re getting under our feet.
Do you understand what I'm talking about?

So you better get up and get out,
?cause you're no good to us the way you are, alright?

Yeah... I understand, Del.

I understand.

Goodnight, boys.

- That was a bit hard, weren't it?
- A bit hard? You just told me to toughen up...

I'm just saying
it was a bit tougher than I expected, that?s all.

Are you comfortable
in that chair, Rodney?

I'll just take this into uncle Albert,
then I'll do your muesli.

Lovely Jubbly.

All these other ones say the same thing.
'Albert Trotter lost at sea.'

- He's gone!
- Gone? Where is he gone?

He's not there! He left a note.

'I won't get under your feet any longer.
Your loving Uncle, Albert.'

Let me see that.

- That?s ?cause what you said last night.
- ?Cause of what I said?

I didn't wanna say anything
until you told me to say something!

Well, don't you blame me Derek. I was only trying
to get him out of this flat and back on his feet!

I am not blaming anyone?

Will you two stop arguing?
Go and find him!

- Well, where's he gone?
- I don't know! Go 'n' look!

She's right. Come on, let's go.
I'll take the van, you take the Pratmobile.

What did he say?

What do you mean, 'Pratmobile?'

Hello! No, Rodney.
No luck at this end. How about you?

You?re alright, Unc?

What you two doing here?

We were worried about you,
silly old git.

We've been looking all over
London for you!

- We found your note.
- How'd you know I'd be here?

Just a guess, really.

- You were born round here, weren?t you?
- Yeah. Tobacco Road. My house was...

?somewhere round here.

What's this all about then, eh?
Running away from home at your age!

A lot of things been going
through my mind lately, Del.

I didn't know if I was coming or going.
I feel I let the family down.

I let you two down.

- Don't be so bloody daft!
- You didn't let anybody down!

I needed to be alone for a while.

But where were you gonna go?

I hadn't given it much thought, Rodney.
I didn't realise things had changed so much.

When I first left home, I was about 15,
I just come down here and got a job on a trampsteamer.

Life seemed easier then.

Things ain?t that much different now, Albert.
You can always come home, to your family.

- Thanks, son.
- Come on then, let's go.

You know, once upon a time ships from
all over the world used to sail in here.

The water used to be covered
with a film of oil

and when the sun shone it sparkled
with all different colours.

When I was a kid I used to
think rainbows lived in the water.

So, you was a bit of a divvy
in them days and all, were you?

- Oi!
- Alright. Sorry.

There were tugs nudging
freighters into position.

Cranes lifting out timber
from Canada, bananas from Jamaica.

The pubs and the cafes, they were filled with
sailors from a hundred countries.

By the time I was 7 I could swear
in ten different languages.

There used to be streets all around here.
Loads of two up and two down houses.

'Dockers' mansions' they called them.
Ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall.

Women used to come out and chase us away
with their brooms...

They were rough people,
but they was good people.

During the Blitz some of the men
painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse

so that the Luftwaffe pilots could see it.

It said 'Dear Adolf, you can break our windows,
but not our hearts!'

Look at what they've done to it now!

- Yeah...It's terrific, innit?
- Terrific?

Do you know how much some of these
drums are worth, Rodney?

I?ll tell you how much they?re worth.
They?re worth an arm and a leg.

Lord Linley's got one of these.
And Michael Caine.

Makes you proud to be British, dunnit, eh?
I could do with a bit of this.

I can see myself with a nice little black Porsche
parked outside,

with the old windsurfer strapped to the roof rack.

Then have a few friends down from the City
and we?d have a private party in a pub yonder.

A few glasses of the old Moet, ?cause I'm a champagne
and liver sausage sandwich man,

and then we?d watch the old currant bun go down
behind the Docklands arena.

Paradise.

And after a few years
when the old property prices start to rocket,

then knock it out to some rich Arab
for twice the purchase price.

Lovely Jubbly!

- You alright, Albert?
- Yeah, I'm alright, love.

You didn't have to go running off like that,
Del didn't mean anything.

I know, he's explained it to me.
It's just that I felt...

I felt like a failure. I'm not a coward, Raquel.
There was nothing I could do, there was six of 'em!

I know. Albert, nobody thinks you're...
Six of them?

- Where's Rodney?
- He went out for a drink. Again!

Well, that explains it.

I met a couple of winos this afternoon
drunk as nudes they were?

said they were celebrating St Rodney's Day.

- I hope he hasn?t gone to the Nag's Head!
- Why, what's happening down there tonight?

Nothing! I just hope he hasn?t gone down
to Nag?s Head!

- Is that the bell, Del?
- Yes. No, you?ll get it, will ya? I?m busy.

- Raquel!
- No, Raquel can?t go. She?s busy and all. You answer it.

- Me?
- You!

Come on, there?s nothing to be afraid of, is there?
I?m here, ain?t I?

You're gonna have to answer the door
sometime or another, it might as well be now.

Albert, answer the door!

- Who's there?
- Knock-Knock.

- It's Knock-Knock!
- Is it?

I can't see him, Del!

Of course you can't see him.
You haven?t opened the door yet!

I don't wanna see him!
I can't face it, Del!

Alright, alright. Look, I?ll go, I?ll go?

You can talk to Knock-Knock Albert.
He's your friend.

I don't wanna talk to him,
not at the moment.

But he's most probably come to see how you are.
He might have brought you a bunch of grapes.

I'm not feeling all that well.
I think I'll go to my room.

Oi, you stay right where you are!

Yes, that was Knock-Knock.

And look, he brought this back for you.
That was a bit of luck, weren't it?

It's your pocket watch, Albert.
Where's he get it from?

He found it under the bushes
on that patch of grass near the swings.

What, where Albert was
mugged last week?

No! Where Albert and Knock-Knock,
whilst walking home from the pub last week, had a fight!

- They had a fight?
- Yes, over Marlene's mum!

And Knock-Knock knocked him out!
You never were mugged, were you? You lying old git!

But what about his money
that went missing?

Well, he lost it all, didn?t he?
At dominoes to Knock-Knock!

- Oh Albert!
- I didn't know what to say!

I felt silly, losing to a
man three years older than meself.

He kept saying he was better than me at everything.
So I squared up to him and he hit me!

Do you realize
the problems that you've put us to?

The police have been out there making investigations.
I've been running round looking for five muggers.

- Six!
- Six?

Oh it's six now, is it? Any more offers?

I was embarrassed!
Once I'd said it I couldn't go back.

You should have been down the Nag's Head.
There was the punch-up to end all punch-ups!

What happened, then?

That gang of skinheads was in there,
the ones that Del said had mugged Albert.

Anyway, you know oily Ollie, the greaser?

His gang?s come in
they?ve only attacked the skinheads.

There was blood up the wall, grease on the ceiling.
Ollie and his boys took a right hammering!

It turns out them skinheads aren't skinheads at all.
They're coppers!

- They're what?
- They?re undercover policemen.

They was put on the estate a couple of weeks back
when the muggings started.

- Oh no! Oh my God!
- What's up, Del?

Well, anyone would have done the same thing,
wouldn?t they, eh?

You didn't have anything to do with this,
did you?

Well... I wanted to get revenge
for that dozy old twonk!

I sort of...
I gave Ollie 100 quid to sort it out.

Oh for God's sake! This baby will be born
premature if I hang around you much longer!

Be fair, sweetheart.
They looked like muggers, didn?t they?

When Oliver and his army get out of hospital?

I've got a fair idea
where their first port of call is gonna be!

Yeah, me too.

Well, they better not try anything with me around!
I was Royal Navy boxing champion.

I'm gonna kill him! I am!
I?m gonna kill him now!

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