Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 4 - The Class of '62 - full transcript

Alright, Unc?

I sin't stopped since you went out.
How'd the audition go?

Don't ask! Just don't ask!

He got me up on the stage singing "I'm going
to the chapel and I'm gonna get married".

I mena, look at me!

I reckon it was your choice
of song, Raquel.

I think next time we should choose something
a bit more modern, like one of the Madonna numbers.

How about Like A Virgin?

That's it, something like that!

You shouldn't be
standing up in your condition, should you?

Come and sit down. Come and sit in this chair
'cause it's nice and warm.



I was gonna make some tea.

No,no, don't you worry about that.
I'll make a pot of tea. Rodney, make a pot of tea.

How come I've gotta do it?

Because Raquel's pregnant
and your Uncle's knackered! Now go on!

Yes, and I'm supposed to be
out of work!

Not compulsory, Rodney. The government do
allow you to make a pot of tea.

What I'm saying, Unc, is,
what about Brian Epstein here?

I've got all my correspondence to catch up with,
haven't I?

What, one letter?
And that's for Raquel!

I'll make the tea.

Honestly, it's alright for some little dipstick,
innit, eh?

Going jolly it up down the pub
every night and crawl out of bed

when he hears the theme tune to
Home And Away!

But me, I'm a captain of industry.



I deal with clients or organizations
that are household names.

Yeah, like Parkhurst!

None of my mates are in
Parkhurst.

A captain of industry!
More like a bloody stowaway!

You really get off on this yuppy trip,
don't ya?

So, what's the latest brainwave?
Fax machines.

They're handy things to
have, Rodney!

For normal people, Uncle, yes! But he don't know
anybody else who's got another fax machine!

That's why, in the two months he's been wired
up to the worldwide digital miracle,

he ain't had one message!

You've got a message on
your fax machine, Del.

What does it feel to be a
plonker, Rodney?

This message could have come from
anywhere in the world!

This could have come from Rome,
New York, Tokyo.

It's from Mike at the Nag's Head.

He had the foresight to buy one
of my machines and I bet he's double-glad he did!

Blimey, he's half a moaner, ain't he? '
This message starts: Machine not working prop'

What's he expect for 45 quid?

That's interesting. Listen to this.
I've only been invited to a school reunion tonight.

You're kidding.

No, straight up. It's the pupils of class 4C who left
the Martin Luther King Comprehensive in 1962.

That used to be the old
Dockside secondary modern.

That's a turn up for the book, innit?
I'm gonna see all my old schoolmates.

- D'you suffer with seasickness?
- No, why's that?

It goes very choppy on the
Isle of Wight ferry.

For the last time, Rodney, my mates
are not in Parkhurst!

Anyway, it's in the
Nag's Head, tonight.

Why don't you come along, anyway?
You might cheer yourself up, you miserable devil!

Hey, Raquel. Guess what.

I've only been invited to a school reunion tonight
at the old Nag's Head.

- That'll be nice for you.
- Yeah! Will be great, eh?

- What's up?
- Nothing.

Come on. There's something bothering you.
I can tell. Was it that audition?

- 'Cos if it was, that geezer was right out of order.
- No, it's nothing to do with that.

It's this letter. It's from my solicitors.

They've managed to trace my husband's whereabouts
and told him that I've started divorce proceedings.

That's good then, innit?
And what's he say?

His solicitors say that he
is considering his response.

That's alright.
What's wrong with that?

I mean, you've been apart for 8 years,
haven't you?

In all that time have you ever
seen him or heard anything from him?

No, nothing. But you don't
know him like I do!

He can be horrible
when he wants to be!

I wish you'd never suggested
starting divorce proceedings.

Don't go on about that. It's gonna be alright, innit?
I mean, he can't do you any harm, can he?

Cause he doesn't even know
where you live.

And even if he did know where you live,
he'd have to go through me first.

So you just forget it.
You let the solicitors... solicit.

'Cause I want us to be pukka.
I wanna be married and all the exes.

'Cause I know that little faceache in there
weren't planned, but he's here now, ain't he?

Or her.

Yeah, or her. You know what?
If I was any happier I'd be dangerous.

- 'Cause it's just you and him...
- Or her.

You're the best things that's ever happened
to me since... well, since me mum died.

- D'you understand what I'm saying?
- Well... I think so.

- Well, don't worry, eh? Promise?
- Alright, Del, you know best.

That's it. Good girl.
You know it makes sense.

'Cause I'd do anything for you, you know?
Anything.

Anything? Alright. Promise me you
won't get drunk with your mates tonight.

On your bike.

This is bloody ridiculous. The reunion was supposed to
start at 7.30 and look, it's almost 8.10.

Who's organised this reunion anyway?

- Ain't he here yet?
- Who?

Your host. The bloke who's paid for all this.
He said he was gonna arrive late.

I think he wants to make an
entrance, surprise you all.

Who is it Mike, come on? Who is it?

I don't know, Del. He just came in yesterday
and said he wanted a room for a school reunion.

I wanna have a word with you
about that fax machine you sold me!

Yes, yes, alright Michael! I'm busy at the moment.
I'll fax you about it during the week.

- So what was this bloke's name?
- I don't know, I didn't catch it.

But didn't you get his name
on the receipt and in your accounts?

- No, I forgot.
- In other words, he paid cash?

Yeah. That's right.

- What was he like? Was he tall?
- Yeah, tallish.

Here. He didn't have a scar running from the bridge
of his nose right down to the corner of his mouth?

- And his right ear was missing.
- Not that I noticed.

It ain't our old headmaster, then.

How could it be our old headmaster?
The doctors said he'd never be allowed back into society.

- Trigger!
- Alright?

Was it you?
Was it you who organised all this?

Oh turn it up, Del Boy.
Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.

I got lost on me way here.

You've been coming in this pub
since you were 16!

No, I found the pub alright.
I meant I couldn't find this room.

I've been standing in your dance hall
for the last hour.

- All the lights are out, Trig.
- I know.

You've been standing in the
dark for an hour?

Yeah! I thought we was all gonna jump out
and surprise someone.

But there's no one else in there.

But I didn't know that, did I?
The lights were out! How you going, Dave?

Alright, Trig.

Well, I'll send your man up as soon as he arrives.
In the meantime, all enjoy yourselves, lads.

It'ss a bit of a mystery all this, innit?

It's like something out of on of them
Agatha Christie films.

I used to fancy her.

I mean, think about it, right?

Somebody has arranged for you four
to be in this room at the same time...

You used to fancy Agatha Christie?

Yeah. I had a picture of
her on my bedroom wall.

But she was an old lady.
All English country gardens and granny hats.

She looked a bit
like Mr Kipling's bit on the side.

Well, I fancied her.
I saw her in that film, Doctor Zhivago.

That's Julie Christie, you berk!

Yeah, well, whatever, I liked her.

As I was saying. On a cold,
rainy night in Peckham,

somebody has arranged for you four
to be here in this room at the same time.

And nobody knows who. And the most important
and frightening aspect of the entire mystery,

nobody knows why!

Now, think hard.
Who would do something like that?

Jeremy Beadle?

- Jeremy bloody Beadle?
- Don't be stupid.

Rodney, you'retrying to frighten us,
Now, pack it in, 'cause it won't work!

- Well, that's it, I'm off!
- Sit down Denzil, you're not going anywhere.

I wasn't even at your school for long!

Me mum and dad didn't even come down
to London 'til I was 13.

I don't really feel I qualify
as one of the old boys!

- Did you get an invitation?
- Yeah.

Then you're staying.

It's just that I've got this thought
going round my head.

Well, lend it to Trigger.

Say, just say, our old headmaster
has escaped!

Yeah, I'm gonna get me coat,
I better go and check on uncle Albert.

Turn the lights on!

Shut up, just shut up, will ya?

Oh God, It's our old headmaster!
It's bend-over Benson!

If it is he's grown
another ear form somewhere.

Surprise, surprise!

Slater!

I had you this time, didn't I?
Be honest, I had you going.

The last person you guessed would be here tonight
was Roy Slater, eh?

Slater. what are you
doing back here?

Come on, Del Boy.
I've gone to a lot of trouble here.

You mean you organised this
reunion?

Yeah. I was in town and I thought it'd be
a nice way to catch up with me a few mates.

- I hear Marlene's had a nipper!
- What about it?

Well, nothing. Just congratulations.

I know you and her have been dreaming
of having a baby for years.

It's... it's nice.
And, Rodney.

- What?
- You've got married!

I know!

Look, you don't have to be on the defensive
with me, son. I'm pleased for you.

Yeah, well the marriage
didn't really work.

Rodney, don't you say a word.
He'll only hold it against you.

Look, Del, I didn't come
here to upset things!

It's just a little get-together, that's all.
Can't we at least be friendly?

Friendly? With a snide like you?
I wish it had been our old headmaster now!

I wish it had been Jeremy Beadle!

I thought you were in Parkhurst!

I got paroled 6 months ago.

You back in the police
force now, Roy?

No, Trig. They wouldn't
have me back.

Not after I was convicted of diamond smuggling
and given a 5 year prison sentence.

The police are funny about
things like that.

I've been living in Colchester,
working for an undertaker, hence the coat.

By the looks on your faces, I wish
I'd brought my tape measure with me.

Fancy a drink?

Not for me, Roy. I've got a
prior engagement with the downstairs toilet.

Save yourself a journey, Boycie.
The biggest karsy's up here!

I've gotta go home, chief inspector.
My uncle promised, he'd tell me all about the war.

Wait a minute! Let's get a few things straight.
I'm not a chief inspector any more.

I'm just an ordinary bloke. I don't mean you any harm
and I can't do you any harm.

I know you'll laugh,
but I've changed.

You've changed?
Pull the other one!

A man doesn't go to this
expense without good reason.

I know it might sound ridiculous,
but if it were possible,

I'd like to wipe the slate clean.

Wipe the slate clean!
After what you've done to us in the past?

You fitted everyone of us up
on Mickey Mouse charges.

I know, Del, I know!
That's why I kept my guest list to just you lot.

Cause you're the ones who deserve my biggest
apologies. I wish I could turn the clock back.

So do I! To 6:30 this evening.
I would have stayed in and watched the telly!

You fitted up me, Boycie and Denzil
on possession of stolen goods.

And we'd bought 'em off you!

- I know. And I'm sorry.
- Sorry!

With all due respect, ex-chief inspector,
you can stuff your apologies.

I remember the time you followed me
in the van

and you nicked me for doing 70 miles an hour
in a built-up area.

It was just my word against his
and guess who the magistrate believed!

I mean, you couldn't get that van
to do 70 mph if you pushed it off a cliff!

Rodney, I'm sorry.

Yeah, shove it, Slater.
Just shove it!

And what about the time you planted
3,000 Green Shield stamps on Trigger

and he got put away for 18 months
in a young offenders home?

- I'm sorry, Trig.
- Oh that's alright, Roy.

I always wanted to be mates with you lot,
but you sort of spurned me.

So, I wanted to hurt you
for not liking me.

You know, 'If you can't join 'em, beat 'em'.
That was my attitude.

So the Police Force had become
my God.

But in the end even my own colleagues
got sick of me and my ambitions.

I knew my days were numbered.

I began to panic.

I felt as if the whole thing
was coming to a premature conclusion.

No pun intended Boycie!

I was worried about my future.
Financial security, that sort of thing.

I turned to crime. I got myself involved in that
diamond smuggling caper,

and as I of all people should know,
I got collared.

I spent 3 and a half years
in a 10ft by 6ft prison cell

trying to work out
where I'd gone wrong in life!

Whilst in prison
I found Jesus.

What have they fitted him up with?

To be more precise,
Jesus found me.

It was round about that time I got a message
to say that my old man had passed away.

Yeah, I know, Roy.
I went to his funeral.

Thanks, Del.
I wish I could have gone.

Why didn't you?

He most probably didn't have a black suit and a
bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Yeah, but I thought they let you out
for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

I applied for temporary compassionate release.
My mum wrote to the prison governor.

And he wouldn't let you go?

Not after what that old cow
put in her letter!

It's pathetic, innit?
Even my own mum's against me!

Perhaps this reunion
weren't such a good idea after all.

You all look a bit embarrassed.
Go on, you shoot off. I'll hang around.

Gonna sort out the money
with the governor.

Alright, Sla... Roy.
I'll have a drink with you, come on.

Thanks Del. What about you other fellers?
Will you break bread with me?

I'd prefer a Southern Comfort.

Have you two gone mad?

Come on, look at him.
He's only an undertaker's tea-boy now, ain't he?

Yeah, he's still putting
bodies away!

You don't honestly believe
he's changed, do you?

Personally, I'm not sure.
But I'm always willing to give that somebody a chance.

Make it a large one, Roy.

Alright, I'll have a lager.
Trigger?

Yeah, alright, I'll have a beer.

How can you drink with Slater?

When that's the man who stitched you up
over those knocked-off stamps

and put you away for 18 months!

I know. But when I come out
I got an electric blanket and a radio with 'em.

- Fancy a cognac?
- And quick!

Yes. It's very simple, Marlene.
When you bring Raquel back here, you can pick me up.

No, I am not drunk!
Nobody is drunk!

- Del is!
- No I'm not. Shut up, Rodney!

You promised your lover
you wouldn't get drunk though!

Why do women always say
'Don't get drunk'?

It's their nature. My Corinne was always
going on about it until she left me.

- Yeah, and my Cassandra.
- My Ada was the same.

And they wonder why their
marriages break up.

Take my advice. The only way to avoid a broken
marriage is don't turn up for the wedding!

Keep the noise down.
The women might hear!

We don't want them
to know we're enjoying ourselves, do we?

Yes, I have had a couple of drinks.
Well,it's a bloody reunion, innit?

Yes, alright, I'll se you in a minute.

- Wanna another Boyce?
- No. Marlene will be here in a moment.

I will get my coat.

It's funny, I've been through
all these photos of the boys,

enjoying themselves at various stages
of their lives... and I'm not in one of them.

Well, you were busy,
weren't you Roy?

I mean, when that one was taken
you were at police training college.

And when that one was
taken you was nicked!

I suppose it was tough for you inside, eh? Specially
when they found out you were an ex-copper.

You don't know the half of it.
It was a nightmare.

Every mealtime they lined
up against the wall as I passed.

'Snide, snide!' They'd whisper.

'We're gonna get you snide.
Hope your wife can sow, Slater.'

Didn't the warders do nothing?

That was the warders!

The convicts really had it in for me.
24 hours a day watching your back

especially in the shower room!

I've heard there's
a lot of bandidos in there.

No wonder Oscar Wilde
wrote a poem about it!

You wouldn't believe what they'd sell
for a king-size fag and a book of matches.

Fortunately they didn't give me any
problems.

I mean, these days even the poofs don't
fancy me.

Here's a photograph with you in it.
Look at that! It's the old school football team.

Look at that! How old were we? 14?

There's little Del Boy
with his Roger Daltry haircut!

I was your midfield dynamo.
I used to play like Paul Gascoigne.

The one next to me is Boycie
He used to play like Bamber Gascoigne!

There's that Italian kid.
Good player. What was his name?

That will be Marlene.
I better be off.

- Give us a lift home, will you Boyce?
- Yeah, me too, Boycie.

Yes, of course! I'm running a bleedin'
minicab service these days.

- Ta ta, Roy.
- Yeah, see you Trig.

- Cheers Sla... Roy. See you around.
We'll have a drink in the week, eh?

Yes, I'll be in the
pub sometime or another.

Good, it's a date, then.

I'll get a copy of this photo, if you like.

Must have been the last time
that you were with all your old mates.

Look at that. Those were the days
weren't they, eh?

We had Denzil in goal. We had Monkey
Harris at left back.

We had camaradery.

Was that the Italian boy?

Yes Trig, that was the Italian boy.

Come along, Trigger!

- Do you want another drink then, Rodney?
- Yeah, go on then.

Roy? Wanna another drink?
Roy?

Look at that.
The Prodigal Plonker's gone to kip!

How we gonna get him home?

Where's he staying?

Some bed and breakfast, he said, somewhere.
Don't bother about it.

Leave him there,
let him kip on the setee, alright?

Not a bad idea.
I think I'll climb in.

- Alright. Goodnight, unc.
- Goodnight, son.

You know Rodney, if someone had told me
a few months ago

that I'd been sitting and having a drink
and a laugh with Roy Slater,

I'd have said they're off
there bloody heads.

He ain't such a bad bloke, I suppose.

No. Take'em out of the uniform
get rid of their badges

and they're just like the rest of us.
Just as scared.

Here you go.
Want some ice?

'Yes, I want some ice Del, thank you very much'.
I'll get it for you Rodney.

'That's very nice of you Del Boy'.

I don't believe...
Rodney?

- That's alright, I'm not drunk!
- Where's he come from?

Where's he? Who's he? You mean Roy?
He's come from the pub. I said come back for a drink.

You rotten sod!
All the promises you made me!

You didn't believe me when I said
I was just gonna go out

and have two halves of shandy
and then go to a midnight Mass did you?

You're like all the others!
Your promises mean nothing! Bloody nothing!

Calm down. Don't get excited.
It's not good for the baby.

- Here, have a drink.
- I don't wanna drink!

I thought I could trust you, Derek!
I believed your promises, all of them!

'Your husband can't get near you, Raquel.

- He'll have to get past me first!'
- Well, that's right, innit?

Really? Well, what's he
doing lying asleep on our sofa?

What you on about?

My ex-husband is laying asleep
on the sofa!

No, no, no! That's Slater!

I know his name, Del!
I was married to him for four years!

- Slater? You were married to Slater?
- Yes!

But that's Slater!

I wish I hadn't burnt my wedding photos,
then maybe you'd believe me!

No. Not Slater!

Slater was my married name!

But Slater!

Why the Hell didn't you tell me
what your name was then?

I told you my husband was
a policeman.

Yes I know, but his name was Inspector Slater.
Your name's Raquel Turner!

Why didn't you tell me what
your married name was?

Because every time I talked about my marriage you
said let's change the subject!

- Gordon bloody Bennett!
- Have you said anything to him?

No, of course I haven't. Stone me!
Are you sure you was married to him?

Of course I'm bloody sure!

Alright, calm down, come here.
It's alright, just shut up.

Listen, you stay here.
I'll go and see how to get rid of him.

Slater?
Gordon Bennett!

Rodney! Rodney!
Wake up you dipstick! Wake up!

- Listen.
- What is it?

Slater was married to Raquel!

No, no. It's not a joke!
Slater was Raquel's husband.

I'm telling ya! I wouldn't lie
about something serious as this, would I?

- Does Slater know?
- 'Course he does. He was at the bloody wedding!

I mean, does he know about
you and Raquel?

No, I don't know. I don't think so.
I've gotta get him out of here.

- Hello Roy. Come on, wake up. Come on.
- What's the time, Del?

It's time you were gone, mate.
Up you get. I'll get your coat.

- I'll just get a glass of water.
- Yeah, OK.

No, no! I'll get you some water.
We got plenty of water. We got this trendy water.

Tell me something, Roy.

You didn't come back here to Peckham just
to organise the school reunion, did you?

Not just for that. I got a letter from my wife's solicitors,
says she wanted a divorce.

So I h've come back to sort a few things
with her.

I'm gonna phone her brief and see if
I can make a meeting with her.

So you don't actually know
where she's living then?

No. But her solicitors are local so she must be
around here somewhere, mustn't she?

Well, Iwas in the area
and I thought I'd look up me old mates.

I'm so glad I did, Del. It's done me the
world of good, meeting you again

and finding that
you're willing to forgive and forget...

I know it might sound
a bit poetic or sentimental,

but the cup of human kindness
really does runneth of...

That's my wife!

This picture here!
That's my Rachel!

No, no, that says there Raquel, look.

That's her stage name.
She done a bit of singing and acting.

What's a picture of my
wife doing in your flat?

Well. What's a picture of his wife
doing in our flat, Rodney?

- I don't know!
- He doesn't know.

Can't you keep your noise down?
I'm trying to get some sleep in there.

Is Raquel in yet?

Raquel! You mean she lives here?

Yes, I live here.
Hello, Roy.

- Rachel!
- Who's Rachel?

I'm sorry. I just don't
understand what's happening!

I came back ere and... Oh I see it now.
You're cohabiting, ain't you?

If that's the way you want
to put it, yes!

Which one?

You saucy git!
What do you mean, which one?

- Del?
- Yes, Del!

Who's Rachel?

So what's the full SP, Derek? Is this just another sort
you've trawled in your net?

Another notch on the bedstead?
Or are you two close?

Where'd you get that from?
You're pregnant!

Oh that's what it is!
We've been wondering about this, haven't we Del?

Look here Slater. You and Raquel broke up
over 8 years ago! She's a free woman now!

Not according to this
letter from Rachel's solicitors!

According to this I'm still her
husband and she's still my wife!

He's Raquel's husband?

Yes! Now stay out of it, Unc!

You know me, son.
I'm saying nothing!

Where'd you think she's been
for the past 8 years, in a convent?

I just don't believe him!

I'd think she'd have a bloke in tow
and I guessed it wouldn't be Cliff Richard!

You always liked to live a bit,
didn?t you, love?

Alright, that's enough of that, Slater.
Otherwise I'm gonna take you out on that balcony

and see if the EEC
have changed the laws on gravity!

How'd you expect me to feel?
This woman who I loved...

Shut up, Roy, you're
making me feel sick!

This woman, my lawful wedded wife
has been fertilised by a Trotter!

You had the whole world
to choose from, Rachel.

You could have had Pol Pot or a Siberian pimp
with gingivitis and a wart on his nose!

But not you. But you decided
to go down-market, didn't you?

That's it pal.
You're out of this bloody house. Go on, get out.

Derek, just calm down.

He's beginning to get on
my bloody nerves now, Rodney!

Why did you come back, son?

To see me friends, to see my family
and most important of all, to see my wife.

I've got a nice little inheritance
coming soon.

It's a nice few grand and I know
this may sound ridiculous now

...well it will sound ridiculous now...

but I was thinking maybe you and me
could try again. A fresh start.

Come on. Just naff off out of it, Slater.
Go on.

Don't you worry, Del.
I wouldn't take it back now, not in that condition.

Stop it Slater.
You're getting her excited.

- Yeah, I always could, couldn't I darling?
- That's it!

You better shut up, Roy, or I swear
I'll set him on you! Calm down, Derek, please.

Alright, alright Rodney! Come on, you go into bed.
Go on, I'll be there in a minute.

- Who's Rachel?
- Shut up, Albert!

You awake, Rodney?

Well, even if I weren't,
I bloody would be now!

What's up with you?

You've given Slater my bed!

Sorry, I had no choice, did I Rodney?

His bed and breakfast place would probably
have been locked up.

I had to let him kip here.

What d'you mean, you had to?

Show a bit of compassion.
Can't you see the predicament that I'm in?

No, I can't! All I can see is
that snidey bark Slater lying in my bed

and I'm stretched out on the chaise-longue again!
I'm going to sleep!

No, no Rodney, don't go to sleep.
I wanna talk.

What about?

What d'you mean, what about? About everything.
About the situation,

about Slater and Raquel
and about my little baby!

If people find out that Slater
was married to Raquel

that's gonna be the end of me
and Trotters Independent Traders.

- No one's ever gonna trust me again!
- But no one trusts you... Why?

What do you mean 'why'?

How d'you think my business associates and clients
would feel knowing that I was going caseo

with the ex-wife of an ex-copper?
And not any copper! Slater the slag!

Most loathed and hated person
in the parish!

If they find out that
Raquel and Slater had lived together

and you know... had sl..
sl...

- Slept?
- Yeah.

Go back to sleep, Rodney!

- I could hear voices.
- It was probably us.

Can't you sleep either?

I've been lying in there
for hours worrying about this situation.

If people find out that Raquel was
married to Slater you'd be finished.

I know that, Unc! People would be
saying things behind me back.

Horrible things. Things like
'Slater's reject', things like that.

Have you spoken with
Raquel yet?

Of course I haven't!
It's not that poor mare's fault, is it, eh?

I've gotta try and protect her
from the gossip.

I've gotta try and protect meself as well.
Cause you kno. I'm a proud man.

I don't want people to think
that I mess with rejects!

You see Rodney, that's why had to let Slater
have your bed, you see?

I gotta try to keep him sweet.

I don't want him going around the parish,
in the pubs and markets opening his mouth.

He's got a hold over me.

But he doesn't know that!

Rodney's got a point, Del.

What he's saying is.
don't let Slater walk all over you.

If you do he might become suspicious and
start wondering why.

I don't know.
Perhaps you're right.

Sorry to interrupt. I'm dying of thirst.

Couldn't you sleep, Del?

No. As a matter of fact I got up early
to give you an early breakfast, Slater.

Oh that's nice of you.

Then I was gonna take you by the scruff of the neck
and I was gonna kick you out the bloody flat.

Is that right?
I couldn't sleep either worrying about you.

What the local reaction would be if they
were to find out the truth.

I don't think anyone would
ever trust you again

if they knew you were living
with the wife of an ex-copper.

Not just any ex-copper! But Slater,
who is universally hated and despised!

I think that would be the end of you.

Now I wouldn't like that to happen,
especially not to a good mate like you.

Because, despite the fact
that you have taken my wife,

the one woman I ever really loved,
and tubbed her, I don't hold it against you.

So, I made a promise to meself
and I'm gonna make the same promise to you.

I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

You know it makes sense, Roy.
Thanks very much.

I just hope and pray I don't have too many beers
down the Nag's Head and go and let it slip.

Beer always goes to my head.
Champagne, champagne is different.

I know exactly what I'm
saying with champagne.

But until my inheritance comes through
I can't afford those sort of luxuries.

It's a poser, innit, Del?

Yes, yes.
That's a bit of a poser, Roy.

There's some money there.
Go and have a couple of bottles on me.

Are you sure, Del? Well, that's very kind of you.
I really am quite moved. Thanks.

See you all in the morning.

I don't know how long I'll be staying,
but that's not a problem, is it?

- No, no! That's no problem, Roy.
- Cheers Del.

What you gonna do now, son?
He's got you by the b... well, like that.

I don't know what I'm gonna do!
It feels like I'm in a state of shock.

State of shock!
Must be like being hit by a John Barnes free kick!

I know. They're short and
curly and all, ain't they?

Don't know how much this is gonna cost me
before it's all over.

I've already given him 40 quid
and it's only the first evening.

You might have given him 40 quid Del,
but this is Slater's wallet!

That's funny,
I thought it was Rodney's.

That's cheered me up a bit, anyway.

Here's some sort of contract
from Slater's solicitor to Raquel!

'I, Rachel Slater (nee Turner),
hereby waive all my legal rights and entitlements

to my husband's present and
future estates.'

It's one of them things them film stars
get their future wives to sign.

A pre-nuptial agreement,
or in this case a post-nuptial agreement.

He wanted Raquel to waive
all her rights to his money!

What money is he talking about?
I thought he was skint.

Yeah, but he's got some kind of inheritance coming up.
I suppose it's what his dad left him.

No, his dad wouldn't have left him anything.
He hated him more than the rest of us.

Listen to this, "Dear Mr Slater, bla, bla.
I would take this oppertunity to bring to your notice

the recordbreaking high which exists on today's
international diamond market.

I would strongly advise your consideration
to selling the 10 items you deposited

with my firm some years ago.

I await your instructions,
yours faithfully, bla, bla, bla."

This is from a Bond Street diamond merchant.

This is Slater's inheritance.

These 10 little sparklers that he pugged away
when the smuggling racket went up the pictures.

You've got him, Del!
This is concrete evidence!

I know, Rodney. Give me that wallet.
We're gonna hide this.

And we mustn't rush things, Rodney
until we work out how it's best to handle this.

Oh you found it, Del.
I've been looking everywhere for that.

That breakfast in bed you mentioned.
About 9.30 alright?

- Couple of boiled eggs would be nice.
- Cushty, Roy.

Rachel! Sorry, Raquel.
Let me get you a drink.

No thanks.
I just called in to see if Del was...

No, I insist!

Mike, another bottle if
you'd be so kind.

- This on Del's account and all, is it?
- Yeah. That's alright with you, innit?

Yeah, fine. Del said anything you wanted.
It's down to him.

They broke the mould when
they made that man.

She seems a nice girl.

Raquel? Yeah, she's lovely.
She's been married before, you know.

- Oh yeah?
- A right git, I heard.

Really?

Her luck changed when she met Del.
He's had his faults, but his heart?s in the right place.

Don't tell him I told you that, will you?

What are you playing at, Roy?

Why's Del paying for your champagne and
bringing you breakfast in bed?

He's just giving a helping hand
to an old school friend who's fallen on hard times.

When are you going, Roy?

I haven't decided. I'm just waiting
for my inheritance to come through.

Then I'm thinking of buying
a house in this area.

We'll be seeing quite a lot of each other
in the future.

D'you ever think back to our times together?

Some things remind me.
Things like repeats of Tenko.

Del Boy, Rodney.
Let me get you a drink.

Yes. Make it a large bottle, will you Roy?

- You alright, sweetheart?
- Yeah. I called in to see if you were here.

Why don't you go and sit in the van?
Cause I'm gonna try to sort this thing out with Slater.

It might not be very nice.

You're not going to hit him
over the head with a chair, are you?

- Of course not!
- Oh, well! I'll go and sit in the van then.

Alright, Roy?
Enjoying my champagne, are you?

Lovely, Del. Helps me keep a clear head,

and as you know best of all
that's very important.

I was gonna take Raquel shopping this morning,
but she was still asleep.

She always was difficult to wake up.

You know you how easily
these things can slip out.

I was thinking about hiring a car for a couple
of weeks. That alright with you?

Let's go and sit down over there, shall we,
and just discuss it.

Of course, lead on.

Before we go any further, Roy,
there's something I want to ask you.

You knew all along that Raquel
was living with me, didn't you?

I suppose it's no harm in it.
Yeah, I knew.

I went to the town hall and looked up her name
on the poll-tax register.

Didn't see your name down there, Del.

I had to get into your flat
to make sure it's the same woman.

That's when I came up
with the old school reunion idea.

Del, go and fetcha bottle of
champagne, as a good chap.

You've got a habit of leaving things lying
around, don't you, Slater?

Like the other night when
you left your wallet lying around.

I couldn't help having a little peak
inside.

I sw that contract
you wanted Raquel to sign.

Only protecting me interests, Del.

If it's good enough for Rod Stewart,
it's good enough for me.

We also read that welcome home letter
from your friendly diamond merchant.

What would happen if took that letter
to the Old Bill?

Sweet FA, Derek!
You've overlooked something.

You may have read my personal paperwork,
but that ain't proof!

I've still got exhibit A tucked up safe and sound
in my pocket. Now, get out of that one, Perry.

This morning, before I woke you with your breakfast,
I took your wallet out of your pocket

and had another look
at that paperwork.

- So what?
- Can I have exhibit A please, Rodney?

See this?
That is what's called a fax machine.

It's exactly the same as
the one we've got in the flat.

It's a state of the art technology,
that is.

You can send a message anywhere in the world
with one of those.

And you know what else you can do?

What does it say on there?
Look.

'Photocopier'.

Photocopier. Right, Roy my boy,
it photocopies things.

Like pictures, like advertising bumf,
like letters from diamond merchants

asking what you want done
with 10 little sparklers, things like that.

So you've got a copy!

Not just one. Several.

I mean, say we mislaid something
as important as that? Be a crime, wouldn't it?

You said it, bruv.

You seem to forget, Derek,
I know a lot more about the law than you do.

I've already stood trial for those diamonds.
I've served me sentence.

You can't be tried for the
same crime twice.

I know, Rodney thought of that.

So we went down to the local newspaper offices
and we read the reports on the trial.

They had every little detail.

They even had a photo of you
in the football team, you remember, at school?

Spot the Git competition, it was.

Now according to the report, you were tried for
illegally importing 78 diamonds into the country.

It didn't say nothing about 10 missing diamonds.
Police don't know nothing about them... yet.

I'd wonder how your mates down at the Yard would feel
if they got a copy of that letter.

It'd probably mean a new trial.

- And be honest, Roy... Be honest!
- Be honest!

You wouldn't stand a chance, would you?
Not with your record.

It'd be an even longer sentence this time.
What? 7 years?

I'd reckon 10. Still, that wouldn't worry you,
would it, Roy? 'Cause you like reunions, don't you, eh?

I wonder how your mates in the
nick will feel when they see you back.

They'll probably throw a party for you,
on the roof.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect
that you're angling for a deal.

Quite right.

Alright. When I've sold the stones,
I'll split the money with you.

I'll give you 10 per cent.

- No.
- No.

Alright. 80-20 in my favour.

- No.
- No, sir.

- Come on!... 70-30?
- No. We don't want the money.

We don't want the m...
We don't want the money?

All I want from you is a promise
that you will give Raquel a divorce.

Then you leave her alone forever!

You get out of tis area and never come back.
You also keep your big mouth shut.

Because if one person, just one,
hears that you were married to Raquel

then there'll be a letter with a first-class stamp on it
winging it's way to the commissioner of police.

- And that?s the deal?
- That's the deal!

Well, those terms seem
acceptable to me, Derek.

Very acceptable. I give you my word.
I'll keep my mouth shut.

And I'll keep away from pillar boxes.

I think that
concludes our business.

Michael, a bottle of champagne please,
and two glasses.

I've got a train to catch.

Would you do me a favour? When the baby's born,
if it's a boy would you name it after me?

I wouldn't have thought so.
Hardly fair to christen a kid 'Dick', is it?

Have a nice life, Del Boy.

I will, Slater,
don't worry, I will.

Well donw, Rodney! We done it!
What a team!

What a bloody team!
Why didn't we take his money?

Because it's illegal.

Yeah, but...
Yeah, I suppose you're right.

But, you see, when he sells the diamonds,
and he gives Raquel her divorce

she will be entitled legally
to 50 per cent of everything!

Oh, Derek! I will drink to that!

You two celebrating something?

You could say that, Mike.
We've just pulled off the deal of the year!

That reminds me, Del.
That fax machine you sold me.

The photocopier on it don't work.

Don't it? That's funny!
It don't work on ours either!

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