Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Chance of a Lunchtime - full transcript

Albert, cup of tea out for you.

Righto, son.

Here you go, sweetheart. Nothing like
a nice cup of Darjeelin' to start the day, that's my motto.

Thanks.

So what are you up to today?

Nothing much.

Just gonna sit around and
try and learn this.

I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place.
I'll never get the part anyway.

You're giving up before
you've even started.

You don't know how nervous
I get with auditions.

You'll be terrific.



Remember the old saying?
She who dares... wins.

If you say so Del.

You know, you're the only one who's ever
really given me any encouragement.

My ex-husband used to laugh at me.

To him, ambitions and dreams of
wonderful things were a waste of time.

Never lose
sight of your dreams sweetheart!

When I was 18 I said that by the time I was 21
I was gonna be a millionaire.

Really?

When I was 21 I said I'd be a millionaire
by the time I was 30... and when I was 30...

D'you want a Jammy-Dodger?

I've never told anyone this, but,
d'you remember when I was in America for a while?

Well, while I was there they were putting
on Aida at the Met.

So I applied for a part in it. I didn't get it ?
there were union problems and I wasn't very good.

For a while, my head was filled with big
theatres. You know, New York, Broadway - all that!



Stupid...

No! Not stupid at all sweetheart.

'Cause you had a go, didn't ya?
That's the most important thing. You had a go.

Anyway, I reckon it was all for the best.

How?

Well, Aida at the Met!
I can't see you playing a policewoman.

Perhaps you're right. Although I wouldn't
have had to do much research.

My husband was a
policeman.

- Your old man was copper? Gordon Bennett!
- Yeah. Didn't I ever say?

No, you did not. You never told me that!

Do you see much of him
Do you see him at all?

No, I haven't seen him for
years and years. Why?

Nothing! I'm just curious.

You never told me that!
You better explain yourself.

- Am I interrupting anything?
- No.

Oh well, better luck next
time.

I'm off to work. See you later.

I'm going round your flat
this morning, do your front door.

Have you seen
Cassandra since she got back?

Why don't you ask to meet
her, talk things over quietly between yourselves?

If she wants to make the
first move, fine. Other than that - nito!

Is there a message I can give her
from you?

Yeah. Say hasta la vesta.

Vesta? That's boil-in-the-bag curry, innit?

- No. It's Spanish for boil-in-the-bag curry.
- I thought it was.

You didn't do any shopping
today then, Albert?

No, that cup of tea I had
this morning made me feel a bit rough.

I thought you were doing the
shopping now.

I've been out to lunch with
my agent!

Well, there's some egg and
bacon in the fridge.

Del doesn't like fried
food!

Well, I'm sorry, it'll
have to be egg and bacon.

If that's the
way it goes. Four rashers for me.

- When's this audition of yours?
- Tomorrow. I'm auditioning for Rosalind.

Rosalind who?

The part of Rosalind! I've got to learn the whole of
Act Three, Scene Two by tomorrow morning.

How the hell am I gonna to do that?

- Don't worry about that, I'll help you.
- How d'you mean?

I'll rehearse with you. You know,
I'll read the other parts so you can get used to it.

I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school.
Bloody good I was an' all.

You used to act at school?

Yeah. I was in the Nativity play.
Played the landlord.

There was little Del Boy, strapped about.

Then there was this knock at the door.
So I answered the door and said 'I'm sorry. No room at the inn'.

Joseph persuaded me to let
'em kip in the stable.

I tried to charge him one and
six for the night and got the cane for that.

Those were the
days...

Ring the doorbell!

- Ring the doorbell.
- Why? I've got the key!

Just ring the doorbell.

Alright.

- Vive la France!
- What is that thing?

Brilliant, innit? Musical doorchimes there.
They play 36 different national anthems.

36 different nat...! You
are kidding, aren't you?

No, he's ain't kidding,
Raquel. I can see it in his eyes.

How'd you know they're
genuine national anthems?

'Cos it says so on the box!
What can't speak can't lie.

Well, I've seen umpteen Olympic Games and I ain't
heard half the tunes this chime plays.

I know, but how many
gold medals have Fiji and Borneo won?

If they had in the Olympics pearl-diving and
putting the shrunken head...

you would have heard
their national anthems.

Talking of shrunken heads...
Rodney, I wanna word with you.

What is it?

I was round your place today fitting the new front door.
and I had a little chat with Cassandra.

I think Cassandra's had a
change of heart.

Yeah? What makes you think
that?

I had a chat with her and
she said she still loves you... very very deeply.

Cassandra said that?

Yes. So mush so that she asked me to ask you
if you'd be prepared to meet her tonight.

- Where?
- I don't know, some little restaurant I think it is.

That's not Cassandra's
writing.

That is my writing, that is,
isn't it?

She just told me and I wrote it down on a bit of paper...
What d'you reckon?

Yeah. I've got
nothing better to do.

Good boy,
Lovely Jubbly.

I hope she don't think she can buy me a
bottle of wine and walk straight back in my life.

I don't think she means that Rodney.
Cause I think she wants to woe again.

I've booked the ta... she's booked the table for 7.30,
so you'd better put your skates on.

Yeah, I'll get a shower...
Thanks, Del.

What you thanking me for?
I'm just the messenger boy.

I feel sort of nervous.

What you gotta be nervous
about? She's your wife.

- Yeah. I'll just be myself.
- No. Try to make an impression Rodney!

Are you going out tonight?

I gotta go down the Nag's head, 'cause Mike and Trigger
wanna buy one of my musical doorbells.

D'you want me to drop 'em
off at the pub on me way out?

No, I've gotta go Rodney.
'Cause...

...at the moment Mike and Trigger
don't know they wanna buy one of my musical doorbells.

Then I'm coming back me and help Raquel
rehearse her play.

Oh yeah.

- You are rehearsing a play?
- Raquel's up for some audition.

It's one of Shakespeare's
famous plays.

And you are rehearsing
it with her?

Can't you do it
now before I go out?

Oh please! I could do with a la...
You know, see how it's all done.

You don't understand, Rodney.
You don't understand, do you, eh?

You can't expect an actress of Raquel's
calibre just to start rehearing at the drop of an act!

She's got to search for her character.
It's all about motivation.

It's all about thought and sensitivity,
and that takes time, Rodney...

And apart from that, she's only just put the
rashers in the pan.

Brilliant, innit eh?
Brilliant!

No more of that 'Avon calling' cobblers.
You can have the old stars and stripes.

You expect me to have one
of them things on my front door?

- You're keen, I can tell.
- Del, they're cheep and tacky!

I've got one on my front door!

You most probably have. You'd need
a brain by-pass to have one of them things fitted.

How much you selling them for, Del?

Funny you should say that,
Trig. Because they normally retail at ?36.

But you can have it for ?13.50
including batteries and fitting.

Go on then. I'll have one.

Good boy. You know it makes sense.

I thought you'd banned
laughing in this pub.

With that sort I have.

See them two blokes over there?
They've been plying her with drinks since six o'clock.

I think they're
fed up with it now.

- Would you call her a cab?
- Yeah, something like that.

No, no. Would you phone for a minicab?
The lady wants to go to Battersea.

Yeah, you leave it to me mate.
I've got an understanding with British Telecom.

I make a phone call and they charge
me for it.

I apologize for him sir, it's his religion.
He's an orthodox tight-arse.

- How is it going, Trig?
- Alright.

I went down to my sister's house
at the weekend. It was her 42nd birthday.

Wait a minute,
hang on.

Your sister's 5 years younger than you.
That'd make her 39.

I know. But she's a typical
woman. She lies about her age.

So how's the family?

Oh mustard. Raquel's boning up for an audition
for a new play. It's as you like it, by Shakespeare.

Yeah? Will it be on telly?

No, no. Not this particular one.
Might probably be in the West End, something like that.

- Hope she don't change.
- Raquel? Why should she change?

Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors
and the next thing you know they've changed.

No, not my Raquel.

My sister went out with an actor once.
He played the cat in Puss-in-Boots.

She suddenly thought she was
more intelligent than the rest of the family.

Yeah, but if you remember, Trig, you had the same
problem with your goldfish...

Work it out Trig, I'l be back in a minute.

How are you?

- How's the little baby?
- Oh he's lovely. He's there with Boyce.

- Good evening, Derek.
- Just saying hello to Marlene.

Yes, I noticed you approaching my wife
and shake her warmly by the 'arris!

Oh shuddup, you miserable old sod.
He's just having a laugh.

Just a giggle, that's all.
Let me buy you a drink, what d'you want?

I'll have a large cognac.
Marlene will have an orange juice.

She's just about to drive my son back home.

Can I have a small orange, a small cognac
and my special please.

I've got some pictures of
the baby here.

- He's champion, ain't he?
- He's got my eyes, ain't he?

- Na! His eyes are all warm and smiley.
- So are mine.

My mum always said you had
vampire eyes.

Well, she should know, the
old bat!

He's got my eyes.
Definitely my...

And look at that, I never noticed that Mike,
he's got your mouth.

That is Rodney's nose
if ever I've seen...

- What are you saying?
- Nothing! Honest.

Talking of Rodney. How is he now?

He's alright, sweetheart. He's taking
Cassandra out tonight - trying to patch things up.

Oh good. I suppose you've
missed him, eh, Del?

Who?

Rodney. I mean, you must
have missed him when he left your partnership.

Oh yeah, I missed him like
George Michael misses Andrew Ridgely.

Won't be a minute...
Don't worry, Tyler, Mummy's coming.

That woman's as soppy as a
lorry-load of monkeys.

I got home this evening
and discovered some salesman

has flogged her a door
bell that plays 36 national anthems.

I got one of them.

Yes, I'd have put money on that, Trig! The difference
is I live in a mock-Georgian mansion in the Kings Avenue.

Our neighbours are not gonna
appreciate being awoken

by the sound of Long live Swaziland
every time the milkman calls.

He still calls round, does he?

I'm off home, Boyce. Don't be too late.

I'll be about an hour. You'll know it's me.
I'll play Mexico forever on the front door.

Wave goodbye to your daddy.

- So, how was Spain?
- Oh, you know, OK.

- Good. Do anything interesting?
- Not really. There was just mummy and I at the villa.

To be honest it was a bit boring.

I can imagine!

No, I don't mean being in your mother's
company is boring! Because she's not a boring person!

- I know what you meant.
- Good...

Excuse me.
Would you want a glass of something?

I'll have the same as you.

It's mineral water.

That makes a nice change.
I heard you'd been drinking heavily.

Heavily! Silly!

Can I have a glass of
mineral water, please?

I think your father was
exaggerating slightly, Cassandra.

Daddy didn't tell me. It was Del.

Yeah, well... Maybe I did go a bit overboard
when we left each other.

- You mean, when you left me!
- Same thing.

No it isn't! I didn't go anywhere, Roddy. I was at
the flat waiting for you. You just didn't come home!

We came here to
discuss these things, not to argue!

You started it!

I didn't! I came home
when you was on holiday.

and I found you changed
the locks on the front door!

Yes, I should have told you. But that was no
reason for you to kick the door in!

I didn't kick the door in!
I just sorta...

... that's all!

- Why did you go back there?
- I wanted to surprise you.

You did surprise me!

I didn't expect to come home
to find my husband had kicked the front door in!

Look, I've got as much right
to enter that flat as you Cassandra!

We've got a joint
mortgage, remember, from the bank?

And what about that girl
you took out?

- I didn't take any girl out!
- You asked a girl out!

That was just to make you
jealous.

It was a stupid idea and I never
went through with it.

Although at this moment in time, it strikes me as
being one of my better moves!

Well, this is obviously
going to be a total waste of a good evening!

Just think of all the more interesting things
I could be doing - like washing my hair.

What about me? I've passed up the chance to watch
Del rehearse a Shakespeare play!

People would pay a fortune for something like
that, and I could have it for nothing!

I came here this evening hoping that you and I
could find some common ground

on which we could base our future!
But it's pointless!

I'm glad I found out this early in
our marriage what you're really like!

Your drinking, your bouts of violence!

God, I can just imagine my future with
someone like you!

You really are the silliest, pettiest, most childish
person I've ever had the misfortune to marry.

You fancy me, don't you?

- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do, you little flirt, you!

I hate you! I wanted this to be serious.
I wanted to really tear into you!

Oh that's why you asked to
meet me?

I ask to meet you? You must be joking!
Roddy, you're the one who did the asking.

No, Del came home and he said you'd ask to meet me.
And you suggested this venue.

Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you.
He said you wanted to meet me at this rest...!

Git!

So now what do we do?

I dunno...

- D'you fancy showing me yer tan?
- Yeah, alright.

- Can I take your order sir?
- No, I've lost my appetite.

Same here.

That's the new key.

I've got to go round to mummy and daddy's.
I've left some of my clothes at their house.

You won't be too long, will yer?

About an hour or so. D'you
remember your way home?

I remember.

In case you get confused,
we've got a new front door.

I'll see you in bed in about half an hour.

Sorry!

You're gonna have trouble
with that one, Michael.

Don't I know it? The sooner
that minicab arrives, the better!

Disgusting, innit, eh?
I like a lady to be a lady.

I can't stand a woman being drunk, staggering round a pub,
dropping her crisps all over the place.

- I remember your mum.
- What d'you mean by that?

She was a lady, weren't she?

My mum was a lady. She was the first
woman in Peckham to smoke menthol cigarettes.

Look at the state of that!
I wouldn't be seen dead with that!

That alone admits knowing it!

Blimey!

How are you, darling?

Oh, triffic!

- How long's it been?
- How long's what been?

- Since we last saw each other?
- Have we met?

- You don't remember me? It's Trudy!
- Trudy? Were we engaged?

You ain't half changed, sweetheart.

Ain't we all, love? Hang on a minute,
I'll just go and get me drink.

I've gone right off that hot-dog, Mike.

Del, we made it up.
Me and Cassy, we're back together!

Well done, brother.

Mike, there's a minicab
outside for somebody.

- That'll be for your ex-fiancee, Derek.
Get her out, will yer?

Yes, yes, gimme a minute.

Del, it's not another fiancee!

Sorry Rodney, I was very young at the time!

Cassandra, she's not out there in the van,
is she?

No. She's gone round her mum and dad's place,
pick something up.

I just came arpund to tell you
that I won't be home tonight.

- What you mean Rodney is, you will be home tonight.
- Oh yeah, my real home!

There's your key back.
Thanks for having me...

It was a pleasure.

Cassandra didn't ask to
meet me, did she?

- Na. I lied.
- You're a conniving git!

It worked though, didn't it?

I've just seen Raquel and Albert
getting off the bus.

Raquel's coming here? She can't see me with that Trudy.
You know how jealous she gets!

Tell me everything that's
been happening!

I'd love to, sweetheart.
But your cab has just arrived.

Why don't you come back to my place?
We can talk about old times.

I'd love to, but I've got to stay here
and talk some bussiness with these gentlemen.

Rodney, will you escort this
lady to her cab?

I'll see you then, Del.
D'you come in this pub often?

No, I've never been in here before in my life,
have I Mike?

That's right.

Is that my car? Is this a red car?
It's my car, it's lovely.

Mate! Can you open the door?

Cass! Unlock the door!
Cass, we've gotta talk!

That bird has nothing to do with me!

She was some old sort Del was
engaged to years ago! Cass, at least let's talk!

By no means sir, Time travels in diverse places,
with diverse persons,

I'll tell you who time ambles
withal, who time trots withal,

who time gallops withal, and who he stands
still withal.

That's bloody good, Raquel.

Orlando.

I prithee, who doth he trot
withal!

- What are you doing?
- I'm acting.

Well, don't! Just read it!

I prithee, who doth he trot
withal? That alright?

Marry, he trots hard with a young maid,
between the contract of her marriage,

and the day it is solemnis'd, if the interim
be but a se'nnight, time's pace is so hard.

That it seems the length of seven year.

- When you gotta learn this by?
- Tomorrow morning.

Oh Del! He's right!
I'm gonna make a real mess of this audition.

No, you're not!
She's gonna be terrific - isn't she, Albert?

'Course you are. And even
if you're not, what have you lost?

What do you mean, what
have I lost?

Well, it's only a bunch of nancy actors doing a play
that no one can make head nor tail of!

There! That makes
you feel much better, dunnit, eh?

You dozy old twonk! This is authentic culture.
You just shut your gob, will yer?

- Shall we continue sweetheart?
- You sure you don't mind doing this?

Of course not! I'm enjoying meself.
This is a blinding play.

- Thanks. Should we start at the beginning?
- No, no. Let's go on a bit, just move on.

Saved by the door bell.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were staying at yer own place tonight.

We've broken up.

Broken up? What are you talking about?
You've only been together an hour! What happened?

She saw me standing outside the Nag's Head
with my arm round bloody Trudy!

You had your arm round
another woman?

Well, no wonder she's thrown you out!
It serves you right, doesn't it, Rodney?

Trudy was nothing to do with me!
She was the old sort that Del...

Just a friend!

Oh just a friend, eh?
How many times have I heard that?

I've got no pity for you,
in fact you disgust me!

It wouldn't do you any
harm to take a leaf out of Del's book.

- I'm gonna study this in the bedroom.
- Alright sweetheart. I'll see you a little later.

Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney.
How was I to know that Cassandra would see you.

Anyway, what was you doing with
your arm round Trudy?

Stopping her from falling
flat on her bleedin' face!

D'you reckon Cassandra'll
tell her dad?

No. She'll keep it personal
between her and Rodney.

Trotters Internaional Traders PLC...

- Don't say I'm here!
- No, sorry, he's not in.

- Don't say I'm out!
- You just said...

What I mean, he's not in the room.
He's in the bathroom.

Alright. I'll take a message.

He wants to see you in work tomorrow,
first thing.

It's alright Rodney, don't worry.
It's probably something to do with the business.

I'm gonna go off and help Raquel rehearse her play.

If you hear any funny noises, don't worry.
It'll be me rehearsing my speech for Agincourt.

- Alan is going to sack me.
- He can't sack you.

Of course he can. He owns the firm.

That printing shop of his
is overloaded with work.

He's got orders coming out of his ears.
Everyone's working overtime and weekends.

So what are you saying?
He'll wait 'til the rush is over?

During the war...

Oh no Unc, please.
Not the U-boat and the fjord again!

... we docked at Valletta,
on our way to Greece.

We had a chief communications
officer on board, Tubby Fox.

Funny name for a ship, innit?

That was the officer's name!
Now, Tubby liked to live it up once in a while.

One night he was on duty and the captain
come in in the radio room ?

and caught him with a Maltese girl in one hand a
and a bottle of gin in the other.

He put him under arrest and
started court-martial proceedings.

Albert - is there any point
to this story or are you just rambling?

The navy had a wartime rule - only commissioned
officers were allowed to control the radio room.

Yeah, you're just rambling.

Now, Tubby was the only communications officer on
board. So d'you know what he did?

I don't care what he did!

He resigned his commission.
Which meant?

I don't know.

It meant the ship couldn't sail! The captain had no
choice but to refuse to accept Tubby's resignation!

Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the
court martial. It was checkmate.

I see! So they needed him
more than he needed them?

Exactly! What I'm trying
to say is: realise your own importance.

Tubby Fox did, and he went on to
command his own submarine-hunter.

Yeah! You're right! Cheers, Unc.

He died in Palermo harbour.
Dropped a depth-charge - in 9 foot of water.

There's a letter for you waiting on the desk.

Yeah? I'll deal with it later.
I wanted to see you.

Yeah, Del said you wanted to
see me.

Look, er... You know that lunch we had with Ron Carey
from the Harvey's mail-order people?

Vaguely. It was months ago.

- Well, we've got the contract!
- You're kidding!

A three-year deal. We've all their junk mail,
their catalogues and all their office stationary.

That's massive.

You're telling me! I think we can safely say
we'll be having roast turkey again this Christmas.

Yeah, but how are we
gonna handle it?

We've barely got the staff or
room to cope with our present workload.

We take on more staff and
move to a bigger workshop.

That's what I wanted to see you about.

I've been looking at some new premises.
I'd like you to see 'em.

- Where are they?
- You know that new industrial estate down at Nunhead...

- Alan. About last night.
- Last night?

What happened with
me and Cassandra.

Oh that? Well, needless to say.
Pam and I were delighted with the news.

Delighted?

Cassandra came home and told
us that you two were back together.

Oh yeah! I wanted to
talk to you about what happened after that.

Rodney, I'm a man of the
world but I'm also Cassandra's father.

I don't wanna know what happened
after that! D'you know what I mean?

- Alright, sweetheart?
- What are you doing here?

Oh well, you know. I just happened to be passing.
I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home.

Del, this is Adrian, he's the director.
Adrian, this is Derek, he's... he's a friend.

Pleased to meet you.

And you, Ade, and you.
So how'd she do?

- At the audition? Very well.
- Cushty.

- I told you it would be no trouble.
- You shouldn't ask questions like that!

Oh shuddup.
You're too picky, that's your problem.

- What can I get you?
- A small dry sherry, please, Adrian.

Yeah, same here.

And I'll have a kir.
So are you in the business, Derek?

No... I'm an importer-exporter.

Fine antiques, quality objets d'art,
mobile telephones, that sorta thing.

While we're on the subject, Adrian,
I happen to do be doing a very nice line...

...in computerised communications systems
which I believe could be right up your street.

It's a musical doorbell.
When you press the button and...

Derek, this is Jules.

Jules is our set designer.
Jules, this is Derek, Raquel's friend.

- Hi.
- Alright?

Gimme some vitamin C.
I feel absolutely wrecked.

Let's go and sit down at the table,
shall we?

Fine. I'll just grab some food.

- I feel a bit peckish as well.
- Yeah, so do I.

Go and sit at the table.
I need to talk to him.

Alright!

They think I can design
magnificent stage sets on peanuts!

I mean, these people don't have a budget.
It's more like a whip-round.

Yeah, know what you mean.
It's a bark, innit?

Feel my hands.

Feel my hands. Go on, feel 'em.

Oh yeah, 'orrible, ain't they?

Those are callouses! I'm the set designer yet
I have to help unload the lorries.

Did I go to art college
for three years for that?

- 'Course not!
- No.

- See the match the other night?
- Match? What match?

- Between England and Yugoslavia.
- No, I'm not really interested in football.

Well, you're lucky! You were dead lucky!

Some of the decision that ref made were criminal.
We was robbed, we was robbed!

They showed the match on Grandstand. I said to my
brother they should have shown it on Crimewatch.

I tell you what I did watch.
That Elizabeth Taylor film 'Cat On A Hot Tin Roof'.

Isn't she the most gorgeous creature ever?

Yeah, pity she got fat, innit?

Derek, her bone structure! And her eyes!
Her eyes simply sparkle. And her hair.

Her hair just cascades everywhere.

You wanna see these new premises Alan's going after.
They're cosmic! They're modern, they're big.

You've told us about 30
times already. I've never seen the place.

But I feel like I could give you
a guided tour.

Well, I'm excited!
I tell you, Alan is going places.

He is not the only one
that's going places!

Raqel! I'm gonna get all the hounds
come down for your first night.

Oh sorry. What d'you say?

I said, I'll get all the
boys come down for the first night.

Trigger, Boycie, Rodney, me, the lot.
When you come on stage, we'll give you a big cheer.

That's gonna make Adrian think
you've got a fan club already.

OK. Thanks.

Well, cheer up, girl.
You got the part, didn't you?

Yeah, I got the part, Albert.

- There you go, then. Here you are sweetheart.
- Not for me, Del.

Come on sweetheart.
To celebrate your job, eh?

I've got this letter to read.
It's got all the details of the play.

I'd like to read it with a clear head.
I'll see you in a little while.

What's up with her?

Ever since she's come back from that audition
with that Adrian and all them other actors...

...she's been different.

I don't know,
maybe we embarass her or something.

Raquel's not like that!

You don't know, Rodney.
A cravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head.

Hello... Alan. I've just been telling Del and Albert
about our new premises. I was thinking...

What letter?

Oh that letter. Let me explain.
It was a token - a gesture.

The situation that existed then between Cassandra and I
may have been causing you some embarrassment,

and I wanted you to know
that I was aware of it...

Yeah... Mm... Fine...

Just let me get this straight, Alan.

When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation,
what exactly do you mean?

I see yes. Thank you.

- You handed in your resignation?
- I thought it was best.

You stupid little plonker!

That's the bestest job you've ever had,
or ever likely to have, and you've chucked it away!

Listen. I am in control of my own destiny! I am my own man,
I make my own decisions in this world.

But why did you resign?

- Because he told me to!
- Me? I never said a word.

You told me about that bloke on the boat who put in
his resignation to get out of a court martial.

- But that was different, son.
- How?

Well, he got away with it!

I didn't think Alan would
accept my resignation!

But he did!

I know he did!
I thought I was too important to the firm.

But you weren't!

I know I weren't!
Bloody know that now, don't I?

Alright, calm down. I'll give Alan a bell,
see if I can get him to change his mind for you.

It's too late. He's already found
somebody to replace me.

- That was bloody quick, weren't it?
- It's my assistant.

Your assistant?
What, that little kid?

That snotty nosed Herbert
who's just left school?

- Elvis?
- Yes.

He's doing what you
were doing?

Elvis, he ain't daft.

There's no worry about him
winning Blockbusters though, is there?

He's the one who thought
sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyweight.

Look, he's just filling the gap until Alan finds
someone of my expertise to take over.

It's just strange they
should replace you with a silly boy.

Why don't you just stay out of this, Albert!

You can't talk to an old hero like that!

Well, he's getting on my bloody nerves,
going on and on.

It's your own fault Rodney,
you got noone else to blame!

You got a lovely wife, a lovely flat
and the bestest job in the whole world - and you blew it!

Who was that bloke you was
having lunch with today?

That was just one of Raquel's
artistic friends.

- What bloke's that then?
- Shut up, stay out of this Albert.

- OK?
- Yeah, fine.

- Read yer letter about the play then?
- Yeah, I've read it.

Look, sweetheart. If we've had a row,
could you at least tell me about it?

We haven't had a row!
Everything's fine.

It's not fine. Ever since you came back from that audition
with that Adrian and Jules and all them others...

you've been different towards me.
I mean, what is it?

Am I not as good as your actor cronies?
Do I embarrass you or what?

Don't be stupid, Del!

I am not being stupid.
'Cause I saw your face, you see.

I saw your face when Adrian asked me about Hamlet
and I said I preferred Castellas.

So when d'you start rehearsings?

The tour doesn't start for
another three months.

Gives you plenty of time to meet some more of
them intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it?

Derek, will you get it
into your thick skull:

I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive
people, I'm happy with you!

So what's the problem then?
Tour? Did you say this thing was a tour?

That's right.
It's a nine-week tour of the country.

I didn't know that, did I? I didn't know that.
I thought it was a play, that you put on local.

I see it that now. That's it, is it?
The lurid of the big theatres!

The applause, the applause,
the show must go on!

We're not appearing in theatres.

Well, if you're not appearing in theatres,
then where are you appearing?

- Schools!
- Schools?

Yes, schools. It's a co-project
between the Education and the Arts Councils.

We're supposed to take
Shakespeare to the inner cities.

Imagine what it
might have done for me.

Could have ended up
being a dinner lady.

Don't become like all the others, Del.
Putting down every little dream I have.

I'm not trying to put your dreams down, sweetheart.
You know I'd never do that.

I don't want you to leave me!
I'm frightened you might not come back!

I'm not going anywhere, Del.
I'm turning the offer down.

You can't do that, sweetheart.
This is a golden opportunity.

Don't worry about me.
I'm just being a bit selfish, that's all.

- I can't do that tour, Del.
- Why not?

Because I've read the play
again and again

and at no point does Shakespeare
mention that Rosalind - is pregnant.

Well, that's poetic licence innit?

Did you say you was pregnant?

I've done all the tests and everything.
It's certain.

Blimey!

- Are you angry?
- Angry?

Albert! Get the biggest bottle of champagne you can find
and bring it in. Come on, quick!

Rodney! Get out of bed you lazy git!
Quick! Come here!

Tonight we celebrate!

You're not angry?

Me angry? How can I be angry,
I'm gonna to be a daddy!

I wanna phone everybody I know:

I wanna have a party!
I'm gonna put on a fireworks, the biggest fireworks!

- What's all the fuss about?
- Calm down, calm down you two!

You're gonna answer one
simple question, right?

How many people do you
see standing there?

One.

I see two.

- You know what this means, don' t you Albert?
- No.

Either Raquel's pregnant
or Del's pissed.