Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Sky's the Limit - full transcript

Well, go on then!

Albert might come out here
any second!

You've only got to pop
across the corridor to the bathroom,

it's not a life-or-death
dash across no man's land, is it?

But what if he sees me? He
doesn't know I'm staying in here with you.

He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's
old room and Rodney sleeps on the settee!

We'll have
to tell him the truth, Del.

Alright, sweetheart.
If it makes you happy, you tell him.

Me? I'm not telling him!
It's embarrassing! He's your uncle, you tell him!

Alright, I'll tell him. He don't bother me.
Honestly.

Get back, he's coming!



Tea up, Del Boy.

- Morning, son.
- Morning.

Here's your papers.
Financial Times and Exchange and Mart.

I'll look up the closing prices
on the Tokyo stock exchange at the breakfast table.

Yeah, you please yerself, son.

Raquel! Cup of tea, love? You awake? Raquel?

I'll leave it outside for you, love.

Something smells nice
in the kitchen, Albert.

I just do meself some
egg and bacon, son.

What d'you want for breakfast,
something healthy or something nice?

Yes, do us a fry-up, will ya?
But look lively, cause I don't want Raquel see it.

She's into all this high-fibre cobblers.

Have you managed to have a talk
with young Rodney yet?

What about?



What d'you mean, what about?
He's left his wife and come back to live here!

But he's a full-grown adult, ain't he
so what am I supposed to do?

I don't know. You could
appeal to his common sense.

Oh yeah? Then after lunch
I'll go out and find Shergar!

This is no laughing matter.
Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country!

No, she ain't! She's gone to Spain.
She's only gone there for a week.

Her and her mum have gone to get away
from it all at the family villa.

Family villa? I'm family now, ain't I?
I could do with a break.

I'm having a drink with Cassandra's
dad tonight. I'll have a word with him.

He's down the pub every
night boozing!

- Cassandra's dad?
- I'm talking about Rodney!

Oh, I was gonna say,
because Alan's teetotal.

Going out for a drink with him is like going on
a pub crawl with Betty Ford.

Don't worry about Rodney.
He's just a bit confused at the moment, that's all.

Yeah, he looked a bit
confused when he come in the other night.

Confused as a newt!
Still, he's making a bit of effort.

Look, he made his bed
before he went to work.

Rodney didn't sleep on the settee last night.

Where'd he sleep then?

He slept in his old room.

I thought Raquel slept in there!

Where'd she sleep then?

I don't believe him!!

- She slept... somewhere else.
- Oh I see!

- Where?
- Gordon Bennett!

Could raise your voice one more decibel
then they might hear you in the Doodoyne!

You mean she slept with you.

Yes! Alright? Yes, she did.
Listen, don't you go saying nothing to her about it!

Why, don't she know?

Of course she knows.
I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all.

I wondered why you looked a bit chirpy!

Blimey, that laugh of yours! Sounds like
someone trying to push-start a Lada!

Here you have my breakfast, build yer
strength up. I'll cook meself another one.

Good. Bless ya. You're a lifesaver I tell ya!

Lovely Jubbly!

- Morning.
- Morning, love. Nice to see you back on yer feet.

- You up to a bit of breakfast?
- No thanks.

I don't know how you can
eat that sort of rubbish, Albert.

The Trotter family have been eating
that sort of rub... cousine for generations.

It never done us any harm.
My dad lived 'til he was 81.

- 81, see? That's a good age.
- It weren't for him. He died!

I know that. what I meant...
I agree with Raquel.

I can't eat all that fried rubbish no more.
You gimme a nice old grapefruit anyday.

Good, that's what I like to hear.
You've got some egg on your chin.

A doctor told you to stay
off fried food!

Yes, I know
and a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit,

and we all know
what happened to that poor old cow!

I know you've got my intentions at heart
and I'm grateful.

I'll try to leave it alone in future, alright?

Good Lord is that the time?
Are you eating?

No, I wanna get down to the
shops before they're too packed.

Come on, I'll give you a lift now
I've gotta drop off some printings at Boycie's.

Albert, I'll see you later. And you know what
you can do with that rubbish, don't you?

Put it in the oven -
put in the oven!

- Del gone to work?
- Yeah. I thought you had gone as well!

No,
I overslept when I woke up.

- D'you want a bit of breakfast?
- Yeah, I'll have a...

No, I'll have a glass of orange juice.

You'd better get a move on,
It's gone nine.

The thing is, Unc, I don't feel well enough
to go to work today.

Could you give them aring
and tell them I won't be there?

What's wrong with you?

It's me stomach. It sorta aches.

I think I've got a viral condition.
There's a lot of it about.

Yeah, especially amongst the
regulars at the Nag's Head.

I have not got a hangover
if that's what you're thinking!

Alright, I had a
drink last night.

And the night before, and
the night before that!

Alright, just... Ask for the
personnel department.

Hello? Could I have the
personnel department, please?

They wouldn't have the likes
of you in the armed forces.

Let's me out of World War Three then,
dunnit?

Good morning. I'm
calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter.

He won't be intoday because he's... eh?
What d'you mean, 'Who is he'?

- Who are you?
- The cheeky cow...

Tell her I'm the head...
the head of the computer section!

He's the head...
he's the head of the computer section!

Yeah, that's him!

Well, he won't be in
today because he's got a bellyache.

Don't know, dear. He might
be a bit egg-bound.

Right. Alright, dear. Bye.

Alright?

Alright? What d'you mean, alright?
Why d'you tell her I've got a bellyache for?

- That?s' what you've got, innit?
- No, it is not!

- You said you had an ache.
- I have!

In yer belly?

- Well, ain't that a bellyache?
- No!

Well, I must have got the
wrong end of the stick, son.

A bellyaches is what you have
when you're tryng to get out of schools sports day!

Heads of computer sections
have viral conditions!

Well, whatever it was, they
know you won't be in today.

I don't think I can go to work ever again!
Bloody egg-bound!

Albert, have you seen
the keys to the van?

Get that breakfast on the ta...

Rodney, what are you doing here?
I thought you're supposed to be at work!

He's not going a work today.

- Why not?
- He's got a viral condition.

- What's that?
- A bellyache.

Must have come on rather sudden, Rodney,
'cause last night you were feeling no pain!

- I know what you're thinking!
- No you don't!

Just because I had a couple of drinks,
you automatically assume I have a hangover!

Have you looked to yourself
in the mirror this morning?

Cause you certainly
are not the fairest in the land!

You look like you've just come back
from a Club 18-30 trip to Chernobyl!

Chernobyl's not too far
from the truth!

My love life has taken on a
distinctly Russian ambience.

Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely
turn up!

You don't wanna believe what you read
about the Russians. During the war...

... I was in the Soviet
Union for a while.

Here we go, we're back in the
USSR!

You've got no problems.
They wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union!

They wouldn't let you into the
plumbers' union!

I was dry-docked in Murmansk
for over a month!

And I met one or two of them Russian girls -
and I'm telling you, they're hot stuff!

Oh leave out, Albert!

It's true Rodney, he's got a point.

I mean, look at that love-bite
on old Gorbachev's head!

Come on Rodney, give me a hand to look for these keys, will ya?
I've gotta get that printing down to Boycie's.

Albert, I want you to iron my midnight pink shirt
for this evening, I'm having coctails with Alan.

Cassandra's dad?

Yes, Cassandra's dad. Your father-in-law,
your employer!

I don't know what I'm gonna say
about your fun and games.

How many days you had off this week
cause of hangovers?

You're gonna push that man's
loyalty too far, you really are.

I'm ill!

What have you got?
The two-bob bits?

A viral condition sounds
better.

And what am I supposed to say
about this situation with you and Cassandra?

Tell him I'm working on it.

Oh that should cheer him
right up, shouldn't it?

Where d'you leave yer keys?

If I knew where they were,
I wouldn't be looking for them.

Go and have a look in my bedroom.
I'm having a look in the kitchen.

Do you want me to phone and
make an appointment at the doctor's for you?

- No, no, I'll be alright.
- But you're limping.

Yeah, me sock's soaking wet.
Someone left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door.

Duke.
Will you get in that bloody house?

Are we going out for the day
or aren't we?

Yes! We're going out for
the day!

I am just waiting for the engineers to call
to check this thing over.

They said they'd be here at nine.

Look at it, quarter to ten and no sign
of 'em!

Del Boy was supposed to bring my
printing round as well.

I suppose he's got held up
by that woman - what's her name?

- Raquel.
- Yeah, the stripper.

She is not a stripper! She's
an actress!

Oh really? Well, the last time I saw her she was
acting the part of a stripper.

Isn't it working yet?

Yes, it's working. It's just that
I can't trail it on the satellites.

I mean, how am I supposed
to know where they are?

You'd think they'd fly them
a bit lower, wouldn't you?

Well, it wouldn't be a...

Look, Tyler. Come round here
and look at your daddy.

Look at your daddy
playing with his new toy.

- Doesn't he look stupid?
- This is not a toy, Marlene!

You are looking at 2,000 pounds worth
of state-of-the-art technology!

You never paid 2,000 pounds for that!
You got it 'ooky!

For Gawd's sake!
We've got a chief inspector living next door!

I know. He was the one you got it off of. Why couldn't we
have got a cheap one from Dixons like everyone else?

Because this is not for pleasure!

This is a high-tech investment in my
video-leisure company.

This thing can pick up the whole
of Scandinavia.

I can therefore record films of the more
adult variety

and show them to my
more discerning clients.

You mean perverts.

Well, if you wanna get
medical about it, yes!

Boycie, you got a minute?

He wants paying. And no
messing. You pay him!

I know what a tight sod you
are. And be nice to him.

- You know he's had problems!
- OK, I'll be nice to him.

Don't get your face too
close. It scares him!

Yeah, he's daft.

I've just finished.

Oh you're finished alright.
Look what you've done to my vestibule!

I've got paint on me carpet, paint on the
chandelier, paint on me chippendale telephone seat!

You can't help a drop or
two of paint!

A drop or two? It looks like someone's held an
acid party in a Delux warehouse!

Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed.
What shall I do with the bill?

Stick it where the mice
won't get at it! I'm not paying!

Hang about, Boycie. We had an agreement!
You owe me 400 quid! We shook hands on it.

Yes. And I had to wash the
paint off afterwards!

You either adjust your bill to take account
of all the damage, or contact my solicitor.

That is the last time I have a cowboy
working on my property!

I am not a cowboy!

Not a cowboy? I've got
spur-marks on me grandfather clock!

I don't like being called a cowboy!
No one's ever called me that before!!

- Oh, wotcher, Del.
- How's yer luck, pal?

I've just bin working for Boycie,
that's how bad things are! You'll never guess.

That tight-arsed bark's only refusing to pay me!
Accused me of being a messy worker.

Well, let's face it Bronco, you are just a little bit
sloppy.Mean, look at them overalls.

But I'm a painter and
decorator!

I know that, but I only sold 'em
to you last Tuesday!

I did ask Sandra to run 'em through the washing machine,
but the landlord's cut our electric off.

Landlord? I thought you
bought that little flat down Lordship Lane?

Building society evicted us.

So where are you now?

In a bed-and-breakfast
hotel out near the airport.

It's handy if you like planes.

Yeah, we're at the end of
the main runway.

Cushy! Here, how's that
little Kylie of yours then?

- She broke her arm.
- No!

Climbed up on a chair to
look at a plane.

Things are a bit grim for you, ain't they,
Bronco?

Maybe I should tell Boycie, eh?
Give him a sob-story.

Tell Boycie a sob-story?
He's the one who cheered when Bambi's mum died!

I just don't understand my luck
lately. If it can go wrong, it's gone wrong!

A roof I re-tiled has just
collapsed.

Last week I rewired a bloke's flat,
yesterday it caught fire...

Oh, by the way, here's my
business card in case you need anything done.

It's very handy. I'll keep that.

I've worked hard to build
up this business, and I've always led an honest life.

Well, I've kept out of
trouble for the last five years, ain't I?

That's true. But being banged
up in Wandsworth prison helped, didn't it?

And why did I go away?

Because you have a tendency
to nick very silly things!

I mean, you were caught speeding down Streatham
High Street in a knocked-off JCB!

I know you've got these problems...

What d'you mean, problems?

Well, that psychiatrist
reckoned you suffered from some sort of paranoia.

You can't take any notice
of him, Del. He always had it in for me.

Yeah, never thought of that.

Do you need
a few quid to tide you over?

No. Nice of you, Del. I'll get me money
one way or another. See you around.

If you need any help, just give
us a bell...

Stay lucky.

I've brought your printing around.

He's gone, has he? Good.

He's been decorating my vestibule - made quite
a good job of it, as it happens. I'm well pleased.

But you've refused to pay him!

No, no, Del Boy.
I only refused to pay him the agreed price.

It's principle. I make a fuss, he doesn't want the
publicity or the aggro

and so he knocks 50 per cent off for good will.

He gets a living wage and I save two hundred notes...
It's good business.

He's got that Kylie and Sandra,
Rachmann to support.

Does this look like the
Social Security to you? I mean, who is he, anyway?

He's yer brother-in-law!

D'you think I like having a
certified nutter working in my house?

I only give him
the job to help him out.

Talking of in-laws, it's bloody handy having
Rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm.

All this at half-price, eh?
Does Alan know about this?

It wouldn't matter if he did.
Cause Rodney is totally in charge now.

That place couldn't possibly
operate without him.

Yes, I always had faith in that boy.

Yeah, so did I. You've
ordered a lot print this time, ain't yer?

Yeah. I thought I'd get in quick
before Rodney gets the sack.

I've been thinking about
getting one of them electric pianos.

Yeah? They sound a lot
better, don't they.

That's right. And you can
switch 'em off.

Still, at least my ban on his singing
has worked.

Last night it was Trotter the younger and
his dopey mates. Were you here last night?

Most probably.

There was Rodney, Mickey
Pearce and Jevon,

dancing and poncing about pretending to be Ninja
Turtles. They'd all had far too much to drink.

Don't want that sort of
thing in a pub, do yer?

No, you don't!

Red sails in the sunset...

- He's singing.
- I know.

Does he know you banned him?

- Au revoir to you both.
- Del Boy.

What you drinking mate?

Give us a peach daiquiri please Michael
and a chipolata sandwich.

Alan hasn't been in yet, has he?
I was supposed to be drinking with him tonight.

I ain't seen him so far.

Saw Boycie about 'arf an hour ago. He didn't even
stop to say hello. Seemed in a right mood.

I expect Marlene's taken the
Velcro off his Y-fronts again.

Sorry I'm late, Del. Pam
just phoned from the villa.

No problem, Alan. What
are you drinking?

Just a tomato juice for me.

Add a tomato juice to my bill please.
Would you deliver them to the table over moi.

You're most probably been wondering
why I asked to meet you tonight.

Wondering? Well, of course I'm not wondering!

What could be more normal
than relatives having a quiet drink together.

- Relatives?
- We're family now, aren't we?

Well, we're... kind of
related - sort of.

No sort of about it, Alan!

When Cassandra married a Trotter you all
became Trotters - maybe not in the eyes of the law,

but certainly in the eyes of my heart. Oh yes,
Alan, you are family now.

What's mine is yours, and I reckon
it works the other way round and all.

- About this villa of yours...
- What happened to Rodney today?

Rodney? Oh yes. He's got a
viral condition.

Yeah, the lady in
personnel said he had the two-bob bits.

It's worse than that.
He is very very poorly.

You called the doctor in?

I wanted to but he just
wouldn't let me. It's his uncle's influence.

He's trying to be a
British bulldog.

Last night he was tryng to be
a Ninja Turtle.

Rodney was down
here last night?

Down here? He was down
here, up there, all over the place!

Drunk as a sack, he was! If he hadn't been
spending so much on drink I'd have thrown him out.

This viral infections they happen very suddendly.

Alright, Del. Cards on the
table.

This bussiness with Rodney is why I really
came to see you about.

So tell me, what the hell is
happening?

Well he's drinking too
much and pretending he's enjoying it.

That's why he's been having
so much time off work recently.

I've been trying to tell him
but it's no good.

If he carries on with this rate
he'll be a dead-ringer for Keith Richards.

He looks like an extra
from Halloween as it is.

So what d'you think's brought
it about?

Who can say?
His lifestyle, I suppose.

- Late nights, women, booze, drugs.
- Rodney?

Oh Rodney!
Thought you meant...

Well, it's obvious, innit?
It's this broblem with him and Cassandra.

Yeah, that's what I always feared.

I had hope that one day I could leave
the bussiness to them two, and I'd had left it in good hands.

Like a dream come true, innit? You could
fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?

I didn't actually mean falling off
the perch, Del. I meant I could retire.

Oh, of course!!

Pam and I have always
planned to settle down in our villa in the sun.

I would leave the bussiness safely with
Rodney and Cassandra...

...and if they got in trouble with the business
I'd always be there to take control.

You and I got the same age, Del, so by
that time you'd be retired too.

Never thought of that... I'd be able to come over
to spend a few months with you and Pam at the villa.

Oh yeah. Wait 'til I tell her.

You and Pam, me and Raquel.
You can just picture it, can't yer?

We'll have a few laughs.
Few sangrias, bit of fried squid.

Lambarda the night away. Lovely Jubbly!
Let's have a drink to celebrate it?

I don't touch it
nowadays.

About that villa of yours...

- Del. Call for you.
- Who is it?

Someone called Blonco or
Bronco or something.

Excuse me, Alan. It's a very
important business associate of mine.

I'd hurry up if I was you.
He sounds like he's had a skinful.

Excuse me Alan.

You never know what you've
got 'til it's gone.

Yeah, I suppose you're
right, Trig.

I know how much it can
hurt. I had a relationship break up a few years ago.

She worked at my council
depot.

She was a ladyroad-sweeper?

Oh no! She was management - real high-flier.
You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom.

Linda. Nice girl. Had a funny eye.

Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if
the bus was coming.

Anyway, she heard about this
little hotel down near Henley-on-Thames

and she said to me, 'How about
spending a weekend there?'

What sorta money we talking about?
I've to pop round and see it, won't I?

- What?
- Was it a nice weekend?

Yeah. Well, at least I thought it was... but she
didn't wanna see me no more after it.

- Well... er... I don't like to pry, Trig...
- No, it's a bit personal.

Hang on Bronco.
Trig, what happened?

She got jealous. I heard later, through friends,
that she wanted to go with me.

I'll have a large scotch,
Mike.

What are you saying, Leroy?

Still a bit of mud
and dirt over here, love.

- Thank you, Albert!
- Pleasure, dear.

What do you say, Leroy?

Sweetheart can you witch the J Edgar off,
I'm on the mobile blower.

Now, what was you saying Leroy?
Eh? Can you hear me?

Blow this for a game of
toy soldiers.

Oh dear, we got cut off.
Gawd knows what he wanted.

- Del. Can I ask you something?
- Of course you can, sweetheart.

Before I moved into this
flat how did you keep this place clean?

We didn't.

What I'm trying to say is:
I seem to spend all my time hoovering.

Well, have a break. There's
a lot of ironing to be done in the kitchen.

For your sake I hope that's a joke, Trotter!
Otherwise you'll be drinking that aftershave!

Of course it's a joke.
Come on, take a break.

Sit down, put yer feet up.
I'll go put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea...

Albert, put the
kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea.

You home for lunch, Rodney?

No. I just picked up my orders from Alan.
I've got to go and meet Cassandra at the airport.

Oh by the way, I bumped into Leroy this morning.

He was really upset about some mobile phones
you sold him. I told him to give you a ring.

Oh right, thanks very much, bruv.
So, you had a little chat with Alan?

No, he left a message with his secretary.
He weren't at work today. He's got some sort of virus.

Why's he want me to pick
Cassandra up for?

Well, I think it's a good idea! It'll give you and
Cassandra a chance to have a chat.

I'm not talking to her! She weren't talking to me
before she went away, so I'm not talking to her now!

- Oh, grow up, Rodney!
- It's got nothing to do with you, Raquel!

Or you!

- Don't have a pop at Raquel!
- Well, stay out of my life!

That is one touchy little
sod, that is!

Don't be too hard on him.
He's going through a bad patch.

He'll be going through a bleed'n' window
if he carries on at this rate.

- I'll get it.
- No I'll get it, you sit here sweetheart. I'll go.

You're gone now.

Oh it's Raquel! You look so
different fully clothed.

Hello, Boycie. I suppose
I've got to ask you in?

Yes. I'd like to get away
as quick as possible.

I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs
and you know what they're like on this estate.

They'd have the wheels off
a Jumbo if it flew too low.

- Well go on then, go in.
- You're too kind.

What d'you want?

Oh dear. Do I detect an
atmosphere in chez Trotter?

It's most probably Del's
aftershave.

I'll make the tea.

I think I'll go in the kitchen with Rodney.
I suddendly feel rather nauseous.

You've got one in a million
there, Del Boy.

I know! What can I do for you Boycie?

Well, you may have heard, that I recently
acquired a rather expensive piece of electronic hardware.

A television
satellite aerial receiver.

No, I didn't know that..

Oh yes. And I'm not talking about
one of these 150 quid Mickey Mouse jobs

you see glued to the side of reclaimed council houses
ruining he beauty of the stone cladding.

I'm talking two grand, hi-tech,
state-of-the-art sophistication.

Leave it out, Boyce, you're
making me jealous.

You're not the only one.
Yesterday some git nicked it!

You're kidding?

When I went out in the morning it was standing
there in my back garden. When I came back later...

- It wasn't!
- You catch on fast, Del.

What do you want me to do about it?

The word is that a very similar television satellite receiver
was seen entering this estate

tied to the back of a lorry.

So if any of your contacts
should offer you an almost new aerial dish,

buy it for me as cheap as possible.
Offer 300, I'll go to 500 at a push.

You wanna buy your own property back?
Why don?t you go to the gendarmes?

They're very busy people.

I thought I'd save a bit of
time doing it this way. Know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'll keep my ear to the ground.
If I hear anything I'll give you a bell.

Goodbye, Raquel. Glad to
see you've settled in so well.

Is your son about 11 years
old with a Mohican haircut?

Good God, no!

Well, who's that sitting in
your Mercedes?

Hope he falls down the stairs.

- You feeling better now?
- Yeah. Sorry about just now.

- Forget it...
Come on and sit down.

What are you gonna do?
- Dunno.

D'you want your marriage
to work?

Really? Honestly?

Really and honestly. I want me and Cass
to go back to the way we were.

If she wants to pursue her career and has to go
to functions and seminars at the bank,

then I don't mind any more,
I really don't.

Well, how about telling her that?

'Canape de entroi' as the guv'nor of the Bastille said
as the flames licked round his old April.

That is French and it means
'I've gotta do something, quick!'

With Cassandra, I had a woman I loved.
A woman who said she loved me...

Now I find myself halfway
between paradise and Nelson Mandela House...

I just want her to believe believe
that I mean everything I say!

I've tried everything in my
power to convince her.

I feel like I've taken the mountain to Muhammad
only to find he's already bloody got one!

- I'd better go and see if I can...
- Yeah, go on.

You know why Alan asked you
to pick Cassandra up at the airport?

'Cos he weren't feeling well.

No. It's because Cassandra and her mum have been
sitting by their swimming pool in that villa of theirs

having exactly the same conversation as we just had.
She feels exactly the same as you do.

- Cassandra?
- No, her mum! Of course Cassandra!

- Really?
- Really... Have you got any money?

Yeah, I've got money!
Well, not a lot.

I've got an idea. I know the manager of this
luxury hotel that's right near the airport.

I used to go there
during the mating season.

Now I could give him a bell

and get him to give you the bestest suite
in the whole hotel, the full works.

So when Cassandra flies in
all brown and relaxed

you could be waiting with a bouquet of flowers
and the keys to the honeymoon suite.

A mini-honeymoon -
18 months after the first.

D'you really think it could work?

Yer best whistles, a splash
of Brut, you'll be home and dry!

Go on then, I'm game!

Good boy. You know it makes
sense. I'll give him a bell.

You know I said
I've got some money?

Well, since I've been working for
Alan I've been doing really well.

I know you've been struggling a bit lately,
so if you need it, it's there.

Rodney. You are the
jewel in Mum's crown, Rodney, you really are!

Oh shuddup!

Thanks very much, bruv, and I appreciate it.
But I'm not doing too bad at the moment.

I'm doing quite well
with that half-price printing...

And I reckon I'm gonna pick up
a nice bit of bunce with that thing there.

Good evening, Mr Trotter.
I am Henry, your concierge.

Your brother phoned and
said you would be requiring our very finest suite,

complete and utter privacy
and a full English breakfast.

Oh yes, thank you.

As this booking is of an intimate nature
I think it would help to maintain

a degree of privacy if we
dealt only in cash.

Oh yes, right.

That will be 150 pounds please.

150 q...!
Oh right, of course.

As a special surprise,
Derek has also ordered champagne on ice.

Only the very finest champagne Derek said.
Money is of no object.

Oh that was nice of him.

That will be another
70 pounds please.

He can be very generous at
times, can't he?

I believe you have a guest
joining you?

- A special evening, is it sir?
- Cor, yeah, if I'm l...

Yes. My wife will be landing
at the North Terminal in about an hour.

I see. Well, don't worry, if she should call at the
hotel, I'll say I've never heard of you.

No, you don't understand.
My wife is my guest.

Your wife? Oh well, it takes all kinds!
Can I order you a bouquet of flowers?

My brother got me a bouquet.
They're out in the va... car.

Can I help you , sir?

Have you any idea when
flight 475 from Malaga will be arriving?

I'll just check.

That flight should
be landing in about ten minutes, sir.

Oh good.

- In Manchester.
- In Manchester?

I'm afraid it was rerouted.

But I'm waiting for my wife!
I've booked a hotel suite ?

I've got a bottle of champagne - I've spent
nigh on 200 quid waiting for this flight!

I'm very sorry, sir. As you can see,
the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment.

Your wife was lucky
to take off at all.

Information, can I help you?

The important thing is she
landed safely.

Yes, in Manchester! I mean, so much for my big surprise!
Tonight has cost me nearly 250 quid!

I thought by now me and Cass would be sitting
in our honeymoon suite sipping champagne and...

...having a quick look at her holiday snaps.
D'you know how much tonight has cost me?

- About 250 pounds?
- Nearly 250 pounds it's cost me!

Michael. Give us an non-alcoholic lager
for the stud over there.

What's wrong with him tonight?
Looks like he's just come back from a funeral.

In a matter of speaking, he has!
It's all rather personal and private.

Rodney thought he would be
enjoying the fruits of love this evening...

...instead he's enjoying a packet of pork
scratchings.

Can I have two large glasses
of your finest cognac for Raquel and moi.

Celebrating something, are we?

You could say that. Even as we speak, I've got 500
smackeroonies winning their way to this public house

safely tucked up in Boycie's
inside pocket.

Boycie's handing out 500 notes? What's happened?
He had a whack on the head or something?

It's wheels within wheels, Michael.
Pour passer le temps, as they say in Nice.

Here you are my son
and keep the change.

- You're 40p short mate.
- That's alright. Put it in the charity box.

I had such high
hopes for tonight.

I thought you did by the way
you walked in.

Thank you for ordering that
champagne, Del.

That's alright, bruv.
It was the best, I hope.

Oh yes, 70 quid's worth.

Nothing but the best for a lady like Cassandra.
Pity she's in Manchester, innit?

Yes, it is.

Still, you can talk to her
tomorrow.

And she'll know you went out to the airport
to meet her, her dad'll tell her.

I made the gesture and that's what counts.

You'll thank me for this my son
later on, I bet you will.

- Cassandra's up north.
- I know! How'd you know?

She just phoned from Manchester airport, wanted
you to know she is safe and not to worry.

Where'd you say Rodney was?

I said he was spending the
night in some hotel.

But did you say which hotel?

I couldn't remember its
name so I gave her the phone number.

But you told her I'd gone
to meet her at the airport?

Of course not!
It was supposed to be a surprise!

- You daft old sod.
- You garrity old git!

She'll phone the hotel to find out that I've booked
the honeymoon suite in the name of Mr and Mrs Trotter!

She'll think he's gone caseo with some tart!

I don't know how you're gonna cat your way
out of this one, Rodney.

If you hadn't suggested booking the hotel room,
none of this would have happened!

Wait a minute! It was your
hormones on turbo, not mine!

Why don't you phone Alan?
He's bound to speak to her soon so he can explain.

Good idea.
I'll go back to the flat to phone him.

No need. You can use my mobile.

Second thought,
better go back to the flat.

You can give me a lift
back, Rodney. You coming?

No, I got to wait here for my money.

Don't hand the money over here
in full view.

I hear that intensive care isn't all
that is cracked up to be.

You're in no danger whatsoever, Del Boy.
I ain't handing you a penny.

What're you talking about, Boycie?
I got your statellite dish back for you.

No, you didn't, Del.
At this very moment in time,

my satellite dish is sitting in my back
garden

and picking up a very exciting episode of
Wagon Train from Helsinki.

But you said it had been nicked!

That's what I thought.

But I discovered this evening that,
while Marlene and I were out for the day,

the engineers took it away for repair.

Well, what's that thing
I've got on my balcony?

I don't know, Del. And to be perfectly honest
I couldn't give a monkey's toss.

- It's something wrong with this thing.
- Come on, Alan, answer!

I can't find anyone called
Bronco in your address book.

It wouldn't make much difference if you did.
He moved a little while ago.

- There's a lot of women in here.
- They're bussiness associates of mine.

Why have you put stars by
some of their names?

I can't remember now.
It was a long time ago. Let me have a look.

He's not in. He's probably gone to Manchester
to pick up Cassandra.

She'll tell him, I've booked into
a hotel with another woman - he'll fire me.

She will divorce me
and it's all your fault! And yours!

Oh shuddup, you tart! I've got
problems of me own.

So have I! I just cannot
get a picture from your satellite dish!

Will you stop messing about
with that television?

I've gotta find out where Bronco lives,
find out where he got that satellite dish from.

I thought you said he gave
you his card.

He did. And I filed it somewhere
behind Boycie's geraniums.

If only that airport hadn't been in such a mess.

Cassandra's plane would have landed safely
and everything would have been great.

I bet the air-traffic controllers
have gone on strike in France again.

That's it, Rodney, that's
where Bronco lives.

France?

No, it's Gatwick!
A little bed-and-breakfast hotel in Gatwick.

But you can't remember
what it was called?

No.All I remember was that
it was named after somebody famous.

Well, that's narrowed it
down, hasn't it?

Uncle, would you pop in my room and get my 37
volumes of famous historical characters?

We'll soon have this
sorted out, Del.

Don't get sarky with me, Rodney!
A famous painter!

That's what it was.
Come on, Bamber, that's your start of a tenner.

Famous painter...
Michelangelo?

Rembrandt? Picasso?

Rubens? Van Gogh?

Botticelli?

- Turner?
- No, no. A famous French painter.

- Why didn't you say he was French?
- I just said so, didn't I?

Monet?

- Manet?
- She just said that!

- No, she said Monet.
- That's what she just said! Pay attention, Rodney.

Adolf Hitler used to be a painter.

I don't bel...! How long's
he been French?

And who in their right mind
would call their hotel the Hotel Hitler?

A famous French painter.
Lautrec?

- Renoir?
- No! French!

Degas, Boudin, Pissaro,
Seurat, Tissot?

- Schubert.
- Schubert?

Schubert! You soppy old git.

That's it! His guess has got it!
The Hotel Schubert!

Schubert?

Well done, Unc.

Got all these GCEs and it takes an
old sea dog to come up with the answer.

Schubert weren't French!

- And he weren't a painter!
- Well, he should have been

Ah, here it is!

- Schubert was a German composer!
- Austrian, actually.

You mean you knew?
How did you know about Schubert?

Would you mind? I'm trying to get on the blower.

Oh good evening.Can I speak to
Mr Lane please? Thank you.

Shall we just forget about the
satellite dish and watch the ordinary telly?

Yeah, let's watch the news.
They might be some report

about the ecological destruction of our planet
- anything to cheer me up.

Bronco? It's Del Boy.

Listen, tell me something, I wanna know.
Where did you get that statellite dish from?

What are
you apologizing for?

Alright, alright, you were desperate and you had a
funny turn. I can understand that.

I've had Rodney living back with us...

Well, of course I know what it is!
It's a statellite receiver dish, innit?

What d'you mean, that's what
you thought ?

Bronco, why you crying? What is it then?
Where did you get it from?

Oh my God! Oh hell's
bloody bells!

- So where's he get it from?
- He didn't say.

- Del, come have a look.
- What is it? Turn it up.

The radar transmitter dish
similar to the one shown here,

was stolen from the end of Gatwick's main
runway in the early hours of yesterday morning.

The theft brought Gatwick
airport to a standstill

and has caused chaos throughout Europe and left
thousands of returning holiday-makers stranded.

You caused that! You've
brought Europe, a whole continent, to a standstill!

I didn't mean to!

That's why Cassandra's
plane had to land in Manchester.

That's why she's stuck up there
airport instead of in my honeymoon bed!

And that's why my marriage
is all but bloody over!

Haven't you ever made a mistake? I mean, you
thought it was an aerial dish an' all, didn't you?

- Don't you include me.
- I'll show it to ya, it looks like one.

I'll take it back first thing in the morning.

Switch it off!

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